Category: Children of Narcissistic Mothers

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a particularly difficult life road to travel. From childhood they have had to contend with mothers who were cold, distracted, self-absorbed, coercive, dismissive, manipulative, highly critical and psychologically destructive. Many daughters of narcissistic mothers remain in denial about their mother’s true nature. They blame themselves for manufactured short comings and flaws that were the product of the projections of a delusional narcissistic mother. These mothers live for themselves. They come in as many shapes and sizes and styles as there are plants on the planet. But when we look at the essential realities of their natures they are the same. Narcissistic mothers have a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Their children are at their mercy and whim. Their daughters are a continuing source of narcissistic supply. If they are intelligent, have special talents, athletic abilities, are attractive—the narcissistic mother uses these qualities of her child to pump up her ego and grandiose image. The child doesn’t matter to her—only the perfect performance that will impress those in her circle of social or professional influence. Narcissistic mothers test two daughters to see which one will be the standout. One will be favored over the other and this will become painfully obvious to the daughter who is not chosen. Often the narcissistic mother and the budding narcissistic daughter form a dark alliance designed to psychologically immobilize and even decimate the rejected child.

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers have to contend with the multiple cruelties perpetrated by these mothers from hell. Rage is often the first reaction of the wounded daughter. She hates her mother. She is furious about this woman who was mother in name only and tried to destroy the life of her own child. Beneath the rage is a gnawing grief—a pervasive feeling of loss over what the daughter never had–a loving protective mother who accepted and nurtured her child as a separate individual with no strings attached.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers find that working with a highly skilled psychotherapist helpful in working through the narcissistic mother rage and grief. Those inclined to go in this direction must make sure that they choose a therapist very wisely.There are excellent ones but it takes research and the full use of your intuition and powers of observation to pick the right therapist for you.

The next step is healing and wholeness. We are designed to be whole, complete, separate, thriving individuals. When you have worked through the rage and grieving, you discover that the deep authentic parts of you are there ready to be activated. This is a complex process. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers move in a spiritual direction (in the personal way that you define this). They develop a consistent meditation practice that works for them. Many practice gentle forms of yoga that put emphasis on the breath and calm the nervous system. Many do daily journaling and keep track of their dreams. Dreams are gifts of the unconscious that are given to us every night. Become familiar with this part of yourself—It is found gold.

The daughter of a narcissistic mother is very special—–She is a survivor, a beautiful human being who has survived the psychological gulags of childhood to emerge as a vibrant, loving, creative individual. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, online book stores
Email: [email protected]

We are now living at a time when the wealthy have been surpassed by the uber wealthy. -those making hundreds of millions a year, even one billion plus dollars a year. Not all uber-rich are narcissists. There are many vastly wealthy individuals who are deeply involved in philanthropy and foundations who help those who are in financial need.

I am talking about uber rich narcissists who spend most of their time thinking about how much more wealth they can accumulate. Money is their god. If that means betraying a business partner or a marital partner of many years, that’s essential for the narcissist. These individuals are greed driven, obsessed with wresting money from others, including their relatives. They are often lawyered up with the best attorneys to insure that they will legally steal wealth from their own family members. Right now 2% of the population is controlling over 80 percent of the wealth, leaving the rest of the population in the dust. Narcissistic uber rich never often don’t feel that they have enough. They are warlike in their assaults on the financial security of others. In their families they hold the possibility of changing their wills and trusts as a psychological cudgel to control their spouses, children and siblings.

Uber wealthy narcissists are incapable of forming any kind of meaningful relationships. This is especially the case with their spouses and children. These family members are a source of narcissistic supply. They are viewed as objects who add to the enhancement of their elaborate grandiose false image (which most people mistake for an authentic self)

The uber rich narcissist views himself as ultra superior to all others because they have not achieved at his/her level. They have no conception of what other people endure, trying to pay their bills, buy sufficient food, have decent medical care and education for their children. These issues are not an aspect of their consciousness. Narcissists view all others as inferior and unworthy. They can’t be bothered with their wives or children. Their roles are highly limited and strictly dictated by the narcissist. Spouses of these narcissists are often so intimidated in their marital arrangements that they are afraid to leave these highly disturbed cruel human beings. As a result they and their children are psychological victims. Some spouses are addicted to the uber wealthy lifestyle where they are treated like royalty at all times. The super narcissist feels entitled to this kind of bowing and scraping. Being at the top of the heap financially is all that matters. If the current spouse does not go along with his grandiose plans, the narcissist views this person has dispensable and easily replaceable.
Uber rich narcissists move those close to them around like pieces on a game board. They never consider for one moment the tremendous damage they have perpetrated upon their spouses and children.

Our current society is becoming more narcissistic. As a result excessive greed is considered a fine character trait. Winning big is all that matters, even if this psychologically wounds their own children. This is the ruthless ,cold unempathic world of the uber wealthy narcissist. It is essential to learn to identify the narcissistic personality disorder to avoid being ensnared by them. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, online bookstores, etc.
Email: [email protected]

Whether you are the daughter, son, sibling, spouse or ex-spouse of a narcissistic personality you have been victimized by the narcissist in your life. These individuals are psychologically toxic to everyone, particularly those closest to them. Through their contaminated personalities with strong negative qualities of cruelty, dismissiveness, chronic lying, deception, exploitation and plans they execute to turn your family and friends against you through pernicious gossip and innuendo, the narcissistic personality wreaks havoc and horrendous pain for which he is never held accountable. Most people don’t understand how one individual can be so callous and cruel. When those victimized by narcissists tell their story to close relative and friends, they are not believed. Or the person will say: ” Get over it.” “You are exaggerating.” ” (blank) is a great guy. Where are you getting all of these irrational ideas about him.” And on and on. It it nauseating to watch the level of delusion in which many people live. They want to believe the best about narcissistic personalities—-Really? Do they know anything about this severe psychopathology? No! Do they want to find out? No! They want “happy talk” and nothing more. I suggest that if you have been victimized by a narcissist and you are in the process of recovery, keep your distance from those who don’t believe you. It is not worth all the torment, lack of understanding and lack of respect that you go through with those who make no effort to comprehend the level of your suffering.

Focus on your healing process. Turn to those who do understand the brutality you have endured. These are people you can trust and will continue to be supportive and watch you grow. Give yourself great credit for reclaiming your life from the narcissist. Allow yourself times of solitude and quiet to encourage healing on every level: physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual. Some find that a practice of gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath helps to quiet their thinking , to create clearer inner focus and to find a state of peace.
There are individuals who begin a meditation practice that works for them. This can mean very short sessions of meditation: one minute, two minutes, five minutes. What matters most is consistency not the length of time that your are meditating. Don’t be judgmental in any way about your meditation.Make it pleasant for yourself.
If you miss a day or even more, don’t criticize yourself. Start again. The power of meditation and the effect on growing independence of thought, deep intuition and inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, most online book stores
Email: [email protected]

Daughters of narcissistic mothers learn early that something vital is missing from their lives. They may live in a household that appears to be normal. Everything is organized. The children are fed and kept safe. But where is the affection and warmth that they need so desperately from their mother. That is the missing piece that causes such horrible distress to each daughter of a narcissistic mother. In some instances the father is able to compensate for the mother’s lack of understanding and empathy. He is warm; he listens; he keeps his promises. He plays with his children and listens to them. Some daughters have aunts who take on the role of mother or even a grandmother or grandfather. There are some daughters who have to depend on themselves. Some of these children know very early that they must fend for themselves and they do this with great courage. This takes place against the barrage of criticisms, sarcastic remarks and dismissiveness of the narcissistic non-mother. These daughters become intellectually independent very young. Despite all of their efforts and accomplishments, the narcissistic mother wound is still there.

Adult daughters long to heal. In communications with some of these brave women I hear that they have taken their own pathway. Some have benefited from quality psychotherapy. Others find inner peace and a sense of belonging in a consistent practice of meditation. They discover that as the mind is quieted they get in touch with the deep inner loving part of themselves and feel their own warmth and compassion. This is a powerful process that transcends who we had as a mother or father. As meditation deepens as a practice it can become a pathway toward deep inner healing. Gentle hatha yoga is an excellent companion practice with meditation. Here the emphasis is on the breath. Focusing on the breath in the moment as each pose is done, quiets the nervous system, focuses the mind and gets you in touch with that serene vibration of love within you. This is who you really are. Embrace yourself. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Widely distributed
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic mothers are tough enough to take. When you add over the top rage, extreme self entitlement, treachery and large sums of money to the mix you have a disaster on your hands for anyone who will stand in this woman’s way or question her. No one can over-emphasize the psychological damage that they do to entire families for many generations. Stories about them area legion. You cannot overstate their rapacious treachery. These women have unlimited energy, plotting how they will control their adult children. One heinous method is to turn sibling against sibling, encouraging one to gang up on the other. Often the matriarch has a special child who is her clone and will enforce whatever cruel plans she has laid down. These matriarchs take pleasure in watching the clashes that occur among her children. They love being in the center of the battle—the ultimate five star general. They send their lieutenants out to do the real dirty work. Often the cloned child—a blooming narcissist–decided very early to get access and control over money and property that is owned by his/her aging mother. Little by little she is courted by her golden child. This child knows how to inflate mother’s ego to the max. The GC tells outright lies about the siblings he wants out of the way. Words like” unstable, overdoing medications, involved with questionable people who can’t be trusted, having poor judgment” endless litanies of negative profiles of siblings are “confidentially” put into the mind of the narcissistic matriarch with perfect timing. When other siblings get wind of these betrayals all out war is threatened. Sadly, the most sensitive, caring and non-narcissistic siblings are left behind. They have very few options. Some of these victimized children find their singular way out of this nightmare. They study hard, use their creative gifts, take initiative and remove themselves from this pathological snake pit as soon as possible.

Some children of these matriarchal nightmares are still feeling psychological injury and deep emotional wounding into adulthood. Some of them finally recognize that they cannot obtain genuine love and understanding from their own parent. This individual suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, a pathology that does not change. Some find help working with an excellent psychotherapist who can help them move through the grieving process of never having a real mother. Many of these adult children learn how to mother themselves by recognizing the lovely child who is deep inside of them and who is worth and deserving of respect and leading a rich and meaningful life. If you are from one of these families, be patient and kind with yourself. You have been through a horrendous ordeal. You are strong and solid. Always remember that you are a valuable unique human being. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, large distribution of traditional books and e-books
Email: [email protected]

Each daughter of a narcissistic mother is unique. Her life experiences are specific to her but there are common psychological dilemmas daughters of narcissistic mothers share. As a small child she was never appreciated for herself as an individual. Even if she was the chosen one, the star of the family, this daughter was not allowed to be her real self. Some daughters of narcissists become narcissistic themselves. Most often this is not the case. The daughters of these mothers suffer horribly under the cruel dictatorship of insensitive, demanding, cold mothers who impose themselves on their children. Some daughters are used as scapegoats by the mother. This is one of the most painful and difficult roles for a young child. There is no peace or respite for these daughters. Many of them make themselves invisible and do everything they can to be out of mother’s line of fire. There are daughter who spend their childhood and adulthoods in sadness, confusion, anger and guilt. They feel invalidated by the narcissistic mother at every turn. The constant criticisms, put downs, demeaning comments and cruel manipulations reverberate deeply within them. Some daughters keep returning to the mother for love which she is incapable of giving.

The goal of each daughter of a narcissistic mother is to reclaim her life—-a life that was commandeered by a woman who is not a real mother. In some cases the daughter was able to obtain comfort and acceptance from the father, a grandmother, aunt or a family friend.

One of the first steps to healing is recognizing that mother is a narcissistic personality disorder that will not change. Another part of the process is grieving over the mother that you didn’t have. You are a special human being,not a possession of a woman who has no understanding or empathy. This is a difficult step and old pain comes to the surface. Being able to deal with the loss and the recognition by the daughter that she is a valuable separate person in her own right. This represents a great movement toward individuation and personal freedom.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers are helped by quality psychotherapy with a clinician who has clinical expertise on the narcissistic personality disorder. The nest step is a transition of turning around how the daughter experiences herself. This begins with her understanding that she shares her mother’s DNA but not her characterlogical attributes. As time moves forward these daughters discover and develop their unique creative gifts. This movement toward creativity is essential in making a clear break as a separate person who deserves to feel whole and independent. Many healing modalities are effective in moving in this direction. One pathway is through practices like gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath. When we breathe through a pose we are enlivened and calmed at the same time. Yoga can be done on any level. It is highly adaptable to the individual. Another regular routine is developing your own meditation practice. Meditation is a personal activity. Learning to be at peace with yourself is invaluable to healing. Discovering your own expression of creativity is invaluable in redefining yourself. Some daughters discover that journaling and writing regularly is a freeing experience that allows them to express and appreciate what is deep inside and needs to be treasured. Some daughters discover that helping other women who have been victimized by these mothers is part of their healing. It is time now to reach out for the life that you deserve. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in books and e-books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Narcissists live in a world of their own making. For the classic narcissist it is larger than life to suit his enormous ego. They stand at the center of the universe—everything and everyone revolves around them. Those who are married to narcissists, children of narcissists or siblings of narcissists are keenly aware that there isn’t enough room for them in this view of reality. The narcissist is highly deluded. He/she believes that he is perfect, incapable of making mistakes, ruthlessly self absorbed and willing to psychologically endanger even his wife and children to get what he wants. Some spouses of narcissists are so mesmerized by them that they are psychologically fused and are unable to distinguish themselves from their partner. In spite of this some of those who share a comfortable lifestyle with the narcissist continue to fool themselves that they are truly loved. The narcissist cannot love or be intimate with another human being. Many are deluded, spending much of their lives wishing rather than facing reality. At times we are swept away and impressed with people who are highly successful and appear to have it all, without considering that they are not human beings of integrity. They are shallow, empty, venal, ruthless and superficial. It is their worldly acquisitions and their power reach that impress the majority of people today. This is all part of the narcissistic style which has become predominant among a large portion of our population.

Many of those psychologically abused by the narcissist in their roles of spouse, child or sibling finally wake up and recognize that this individual suffers from a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Spouses of narcissists can decide to stay in this abusive relationship and make the most of their constrained lives. You cannot be yourself; you are suffocating from the narcissist’s overwhelming role in your life; you are not free to be creative and you have no inner peace. Severing a relationship with a narcissist is not easy but it can be done. It is a grand leap from delusion to truth—your truth. Those who have taken this initiative with courage and perseverance discover that they are now living with the truth about themselves, have their life opening and expanding in front of them and are free to determine their own destinies. If they have children, they have given them a greater chance of becoming whole solid human beings who seek and experience truth over delusion.

Major life decisions are worth all of the hard work, effort and stamina that they take. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Each moment lived in truth is a great achievement. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and e-Book
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists appear to be inhuman—They are inhumane! If you think you can change one of these individuals, forget it. Most of them are molded from early childhood as grandiose false selves that wear a mask that appears to be real. The outer image is irresistible–Beauty, handsomeness, magnetism, sexuality, pseudo empathy, extreme confidence, brightness and brilliance. These are some of the qualities of the high flying narcissists who make it big in our world today.The number of narcissists we are producing is increasing faster than we can keep count. Our current society rewards them for their worldly success despite the number of people they have emotionally injured; those they have left financially immobilized; people who have become physically ill from the stress of living with them decade after decade.

When you are at your lowest emotional ebb the narcissistic spouse, mother or sibling will verbally pounce, assaulting you without mercy. They are determined to destroy you. They cry out that they are the injured party; you are making their life intolerable when it is quite the opposite.

These cruelties become particularly magnified during a divorce from a narcissist. They are never fair. If you agree to give them a fair split of the properties and investments they demand more. They hire attorneys to intimidate you into complete capitulation. They wear you down night and day—they have great stamina for fighting dirty. Remember, you have a conscience and care deeply about other human beings. They don’t. It’s as if the capacity for compassion was never in their genes. There is no narcissistic gene. These merciless individuals are created in the familial crucibles of childhood.

Learn to identify narcissists early so that you don’t become enmeshed with them. If you must interact with a narcissist, you have a heads up on their true natures. Your knowledge of them strengthens your position. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in book form and as an e-Book
Email: [email protected]

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion most of us experience. When we are shamed, we feel like we want to disappear, to become invisible. Shame is an intolerable feeling. We are humiliated and feel very small, even non-existent. Children who have been shamed by their parent (s) often carry these feelings into adulthood. Deeply ingrained shame can lead to a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness and not having a solid resilient sense of self.

The narcissistic personality is the opposite. He or she can commit the cruelest acts and say the meanest words to another with the intention of hurting them and feel absolutely no shame or guilt as a result. A narcissist can watch the withering blows that his raging has on his victim and not even blink. He views this person as weak and insignificant, someone who is worthless. Narcissists have no sense of limits. They lead their lives without the borders of decency, compassion or conscience. Their speed on life’s highway is always full throttle even when their malicious and careless behaviors psychological, financially and emotionally harm the lives of others, even their own families. Narcissists go to any lengths to get what they want. If a sibling is in the way of their collecting on a parent’s will, they will make sure that they become very cozy with their elderly relative, spread convincing lies about the brother or sister and successfully pressure the aging parent to let them take charge of all of their financial matters. This happens all the time.

Male and female narcissists are particularly shameful when it comes to personal, intimate relationships, including marriage. To most narcissists, marriage is not a true union—it is a one sided business deal. Narcissists write their own marriage vows–“I will do what works for me. When you (my spouse) no longer fulfill my needs or desires or my narcissistic supplies, I will discard you without notice.” This is the unstated but true marriage deal that one makes with a narcissist. Even if a marriage lasts for several decades you can be sure that the narcissistic partner is doing a lot of “sexual free-lancing” on the side. Narcissists are highly skilled at juggling women. If the narcissistic partner is exposed, he tells an easy lie and moves on.

Narcissists are not good parents. They are too self absorbed, greedy and self entitled to give their attention and care to a small child. They will make sure that the family photos are seen by all of those who count. This is part of their elaborate image that must be perpetuated. They are not hands on parents. Children of narcissistic parents often speak of how they were abandoned, forgotten or never remembered. Mother or father was too busy working and having a good time to be with kids. Some narcissistic parents buy their kids off, offering them gifts rather than affection, attention or empathy. The narcissistic parent believes that he is a good human being and has done everything possible for his children. Narcissistic mothers and fathers will choose one child who is a standout–pretty, handsome, very bright, talented–to be the perfect reflection of themselves. They mold this child in their likeness and believe that he or she can do no wrong and is superior to the other children. Unfortunately, some of these children become narcissists who grow up to be shameful and shameless, cruel and duplicitous like their parent (s).

Become knowledgeable about the narcissistic personality. Appreciate who you are as an individual, draw clear psychological boundaries and use your special gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as books and e-Books
Email: [email protected]

 

I hear too many life stories that begin continue and end with great psychological pain and regret that involve having children with a narcissistic spouse. Very often the non-narcissistic spouse has no idea that he or she has fallen in love with a narcissistic personality. After all, these individuals are so full of charm, confidence and they appear to be so enamored of us. How can we resist them! Many people can’t and don’t know whom they are marrying. When the time comes to have children, there are no questions or doubts. The non-narcissistic spouse has had some inklings that she is married to a person who is very self absorbed, selfish, emotionally cool, is subject to forms of rage and ranting and is incapable of taking another person’s feelings and concerns to heart.

The time of reckoning often comes with the arrival of children. The narcissistic spouse is not invested in the daily and lifelong commitments to being emotionally available, loving, caring, affectionate with his/her child. Some narcissists are workaholics (that’s what they say when they are not at home) and have a hand’s off attitude toward their children. They go through the motions. There is a short morning greeting and maybe a goodnight hug. Very often the narcissistic parent sees very little of his children during the week. On weekends he is out with his buddies playing golf, riding his motorcycle, going to a favorite watering hole with friends. When the child wants to see daddy or mommy these narcissistic parents are buried in their work they brought home. They shut the home office door and are completely uncommunicative. Many children of narcissistic parents report that they rarely saw their mother and/or father. They were on their own most of the time. Lonely days after school if both people are working and one or even two narcissistic parents make for painful psychological feelings of rejection, worthlessness, sadness, deep anger, psychological numbing.

If you strongly suspect that the person you are planning to marry —DON’T. If you believe that your spouse is a narcissist and have done the research—don’t have children with this person. Narcissists make our lives much more difficult if not impossible. And what they do to children is emotionally dreadful. Some of their children become narcissists themselves and move on to hurt others and the cycle is unending.

If you are married to a narcissist and have children, do your best. Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know whom you had married. You will love and protect them every way you can. If you decide to sever the relationship, know that you have the strength and knowledge to do this. Trust your intuition, your support group of friends and your personal psychological solidity to get through this process. Move forward with your life with a steady, solid step, knowing that you have done your best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]