Children of Narcissistic Mothers - The Narcissist In Your Life

Surviving A Narcissistic Family

There are some extraordinary human beings who survive growing up in a narcissistic family —-mother, father, siblings. I have heard from some of these individuals and their stories of multiple cruelties, emotional deprivation, scapegoating are the themes of fiction——but this is the truth. These are painful childhoods that have been endured each moment. In some cases there is a grandparent who takes on the early child care and becomes the real parent. This grandparent makes the difference in the child’s life between sanity and insanity, some joy versus chronic misery, feelings of emotional security in comparison with constant terror, truth telling versus chronic lies, a strong sense of self compared with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. In some families a nanny or babysitter can tip the scales for a child who is surrounded by narcissistic family members.

Even with some protection the road toward adulthood is rough and tenuous. Often the vulnerable child is bullied by one of the narcissistic parents who in turn conspires to have the other siblings turn against the appointed victim. Some children learn how to defend themselves psychologically by creating inner worlds through their imaginations by means of writing, painting, mathematics, the sciences, or music. Regardless of how well the adult who has endured and prevailed in the lion’s den of the narcissistic family, he carries the psychological scars of an embattled life. Individuals who come to terms with who they are and can fully appreciate their survival despite all of the odds against them, live in freedom, use their creative gifts and finally experience the inner peace they have been waiting for all of their lives. I hold a special place of honor and respect for these miraculous survivors. They have faced down a mortal enemy inside their family and have won and prevailed. They live now in emotional freedom, using their creative gifts and are living symbols of what the individual human being can overcome and then rise to high levels of consciousness. These special people are an inspiration to all of us. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Email: [email protected]

Surviving the Narcissistic Family II

There are some extraordinary human beings who survive growing up in a narcissistic family—mother, father, siblings–I have heard from some of these individuals and their stories of multiple cruelties, emotional deprivation, scapegoating one would think could be the themes of fiction—but this is the truth.

Regardless of how well the adult who has endured and prevailed in the lion’s den of the narcissistic family, he carries the psychological scares of an embattled life. Individuals who come to terms with with who they are and can fully appreciate their survivial despite all of the odds against them are truly remarkable.

I hold a special place of honor and respect for these miraculous survivors. They live now in emotional freedom, using their creative gifts and are living symbols of what the individual human being can overcome and then rise to high levels of consciousness. These special people are an inspiration to all of us. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists- Becoming More Cruel and Ruthless

The narcissistic personality disorder is fixed but not static. As the narcissist becomes more successful in the world, he/she activates greater and greater grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and ruthlessness. If he/she is at the top of his profession—finance, medicine, entertainment, politics, media, etc. he/she is surrounded by a circle of people who believe that he is far superior to them or anyone else. This protective circle provides the high level narcissist with a continuous circulation of narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, accolades, the highest monetary compensation. These individuals are insulated from any wrongdoing on their part. As these narcissists move to higher tiers of power and influence of great reach, they are almost untouchable in terms of being held accountable for their personal misdeeds and treacheries. The narcissist becomes more emboldened by his increasing reign of power, his control over others, his capacity to destroy them, his winning at all cost. At the highest levels he assures himself that he can make or break anyone. And often this is the case. Does it matter to him if he destroys someone else’s career. Absolutely not! This is business—hardball. Those who side with him (not knowing that they too are disposable) will vanquish his enemies. The narcissist becomes more and more ruthless and inhumane as he grabs more power and becomes more manically delusional.

If this narcissist is a waking nightmare at work, he is hellish at home. Here in the private space there is no need wear his false mask. It is ripped off by the time he reaches the front door.He screams, taunts, threatens,demeans, humiliates his spouse and children. The reign of narcissistic terror is endless. He has his spouse in a psychological stranglehold. If the marriage is going badly and the spouse suggests a divorce, the decree of threat comes down—“You will be left with nothing.” “I will get full custody of the kids.” “Everyone will know that you have instigated the divorce and take my side.” “I will hire a small group of attorneys who know exactly how to defeat you at every turn in the divorce process.” These threats are continuous and terrorize the non-narcissistic spouse. I have been in communication with men and women who are so frightened that they feel that their only recourse is to stay in the toxic marriage. If you make “nice” with the narcissist, he will always find ways to belittle and threaten you. In some cases he has complete power over the finances, leaving the non-narcissistic spouse at his mercy. Some spouses reach a breaking point—They are in severe distress–They cannot sleep; they are on red alert free floating anxiety all of the time; their physical health is suffering; their children are enduring emotional stress as a result of the narcissist’s constant eruptions of rage, outrageous demands and ongoing cruelties and humiliations.

Don’t wait for the narcissist to change course. He knows he can control and manipulate you at any time. He is eclipsing your life and the lives of your children. Some spouses take a courageous step to sever their relationship from these highly disturbed individuals. They strengthen themselves physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually. They surround themselves with a protective support group. I have heard from many of those who made this decision and successfully severed their relationship with the narcissistic spouse. All of their efforts—well thought out and skillfully done—paid off. They reclaimed their lives and changed the trajectories of their children’s destinies.This was not easy. It takes great courage and an abiding confidence in the self. To learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder and how to protect yourself from them, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Seductive Toxic False Self Narcissist

“The origins of the False Self begin with a mother (or father) who is unable to recognize and accept her child’s individuality. Psychoanalyst D.W. Winncott describes how the mother creates a False Self in her child: ‘the mother who is not good enough…repeatedly fails to meet the infant’s gesture (the infant’s unique spontaneity) ; instead she substitutes her own gesture which is to be given sense by the compliance of the infant.’ ” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The mother of the prospective narcissist cannot accept her child as he (she) is. Often feeling inadequate herself, she has a grandiose vision for her child of superiority and mastery over others. This child will become the fulfillment of her deepest wish—sometimes the very reason for her life. Frank Lloyd Wright’s mother called her son her prince and treated him this way from the beginning of his life. He never learned to be empathic or caring, or warm and accepting with other human beings. He was driven by a great talent and changed the face of modern architecture. In his personal life, he was a continuous disaster, causing psychological pain and misery to whomever he married. He managed to abandon six young children, trotting off to Europe for several years with the wife of a client.

The narcissist knows how to psychologically seduce those whom he favors and want to call his own. He (she) thinks of people not as individuals but as possessions over which he has complete control. In the beginning the elaborate false self of the narcissist is into overdrive. Very few can say “no” to him. Most people believe that this is the genuine person and take the very believable bait—They are caught. Those who marry narcissists find out, often too late, that this individual is psychologically toxic to them. When the relationship starts to go sour and the narcissist is in full rage mode, constantly wielding his aggressive projections on to you, many finally realize that this not their fault. They start to research these character traits—complete self absorption, lack of empathy, volcanic rage, ,over-entitlement, exploitation, chronic deceit, pernicious lies—This is a description of the narcissistic personality. They feel that their lives no longer belong to them. Many decide to find a way to reclaim themselves, to separate permanently from the narcissistic toxins. Victims of narcissists take these actions for themselves and their children. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists—Get Wise to Their Acts, Baits and Incessant Cruelties

Covert narcissists are among the most difficult to decipher. The can appear to be shy. They are excellent method actors, pretending to be your best friend. Covert Narcissists are magnanimous. They are always watching to get the inside track on you. Most people don’t notice any of these behaviors until these disguised enemies bare their sharp teeth.

Covert narcissists come on treacly, sugary, dependent, overprotective of you and caring. But you begin to notice here and there they are planting small digs at you. They dig and then come back to be your best friend, your confidante. They play the confidante role to the hilt. This is a big red flag. As you look carefully at the covert narcissist, they display no genuine empathy. If you recall clearly, you now know they wanted something from you from the beginning. They were obsessed with taking your power and putting themselves in your place.

Covert narcissists are incessantly cruel. They lie in the weeds. When you are the most vulnerable they strike with extended claws. Never share how you feel with a covert narcissist—that you are down, having to struggle emotionally or financially. They will find these times to demean and humiliate you. Once they have you where they want you the covert narcissist quickly discards you. They believe they’ve gotten rid of you and annihilated you. This pleases them. They are at the top of the heap; you are at the bottom. You now see them clearly with artifice or mask. They are incapable of genuine feelings or empathy. They are cold. They plot all of the time, using their cunning to stalk their human prey. Covert narcissists are highly competitive. They will fight you to the death psychologically. They are incredible competitors. Don’t let them get the better of you or any part of you. Learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth. Assert your own power, mental steadiness and your sense of self entitlement. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers—Hundred Years War Against Their Daughters

Narcissistic mothers don’t stop the battles—even long after their daughters are fully grown. It is psychologically very painful to grow up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Being the small child of a narcissistic mother is a horror. I hear from adult daughters who have survived these childhoods of extreme deprivation and cruel unending abuse. The acrimony, cruelty and combativeness of the narcissistic mother continues throughout the adulthood of these women. Elder narcissistic mothers often carry on this malevolent abuse through narcissistic siblings who have colluded with them. If there is money involved, the narcissistic siblings close ranks against the non-narcissistic daughter. They spew malicious projections on to their victimized sibling(s). Sadly, some of these victimized daughters add to their pain by making overtures to the narcissistic mother. They cannot believe that a mother, their mother, doesn’t love them on any level. Some of them live in a state of shock, wondering what they have done to become the object of such cruelty. These daughters have done nothing wrong. They are dealing with a mother who suffers from a severe personality disorder.

If you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother, don’t expect her to change. This personality disorder is rigid and fixed. Narcissists believe that they are perfect, superior to others, even their children. Many narcissistic mothers believe that they are good parents. They accuse their daughters of being spoiled and ungrateful. Another tack is to flat out lie and call their own daughter(s) “crazy.” There are narcissistic mothers who spread malicious rumors of mental instability throughout the family and friends about their mentally unstable daughter(s).

For some adult daughters, a time of reckoning and decision comes. The accumulation of too much psychological pain, horrible distress, chronic self-doubt, deep sadness and confusion reaches a crisis point. There are daughters who reach a turning point and finally recognize that there is nothing they can do to change their narcissistic mothers, that they were and are not responsible nor should be blamed for this parent’s delusional thinking and complete lack of empathy. Some of these adult daughters make the decision to sever the “relationship” from their narcissistic mothers. They decide not to have any contact with these individuals.

Many of these daughters do the work of healing themselves. Some of them seek quality psychotherapy. They re-start their lives, recognizing that they are valuable individuals in their own right. They develop a sense of self entitlement. They grow in their renewed strength of their separate identities and the use of their creative gifts. They discover the inner peace they have been yearning for all of their lives. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narc issists are Envious of You—You are Real—Narcissist is Fraudulent

Envy is an emotion that is not discussed openly. People are secretive about their envy—This is a feeling of resentment that an individual has about wanting to possess the qualities of another person or what they control and own. As they puff themselves with circulating narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, social status, professional achievement–the narcissist holds his envy close. After all, he/she is perfect, unsurpassed. Why should he care about you and your petty achievements. Much of this envy is driven by his unconscious feelings of dark emotional emptiness. He has no resources to go inside himself and feel solid, secure and authentic. The narcissist is always competing with others to better them and defeat them. He views those who are perceived as more successful as his enemies. If they won’t capitulate to his will, he will obliterate those who stand in his way. These ruthless endeavors are played out in many divorce procedures where narcissists are involved.

Recognize that the narcissist is a vindictive human being who will not change. These individuals suffer from a severe personality disorder. Remove yourself from relationships with these individualsincluding family members, siblings, parents and spouses. This may mean divorcing a narcissist or separating from them permanently. No matter how many years, effort and time you have taken to improve your relationship with a narcissistic spouse, you are better off not colluding with this level of pathology. Wash you hands of these disturbed people so that you can be free to lead your own life, , expand and deepen your creative gifts and seek and achieve inner peace. To learn about the narcissisic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Narcissistic Mothers-Their Children Are Narcissistic Supplies

The narcissistic mother, especially those who overpower their spouse and everyone in the household with the force of her will, treats her children like narcissistic supplies. Narcissistic mothers enhance their grandiosity and overblown sense of omnipotence by using their children to enhance their bloated egos and the elaborate false mask that they show the world. Most people outside of these highly dysfunctional homes would never guess or believe that these mothers are abusing their children. Some narcissistic mothers play their parts so well that other family members living outside the home believe their well rehearsed act. Narcissistic mothers often cast their children in different roles. Many choose a child who will become a perfect mirror of the narcissistic mother. The chosen child is often very bright, can be gifted musically, has athletic skills and is very attractive or pretty. Mother is entranced with this child. She has found the perfect vision of herself in this being to whom she has given birth. This child is adored by her over all of her other children. The others siblings are treated very differently. Often there is a sensitive kid who endures volumes of verbal abuse and assault to his person. She/he is told that she is ugly, can never measure up, is deficient, etc. This cruel theme is repeated daily to this child and has very negative effects on this individual’s psyche. Even those who are “chosen” , though privileged and allowed to do whatever they want, including being cruel to their brothers and sisters, are forced to become a perfect clone of the mother. They are human puppets who must dance to her choreography—They are living narcissistic supplies.

Narcissistic mothers as they grow older continue these cruel practices, turn one child against the other, causing psychological chaos and emotional damage. Those who are victims of these non-mothers try to survive the best they can. Even into adulthood, victims of narcissistic mother’s abuse are still suffering the tortures of childhood. At some point many of these adult children decide that they must sever this “relationship” with mother to reclaim their own lives and their unique selves. They stop contact with the narcissistic mother. They seek the support of others who understand their suffering and are there to comfort them and help them heal. Human beings are resilient when provided with good psychological nourishment. Many of these scapegoated children, free from the narcissistic mother gulag, discover their creative gifts, find that they are able to have deep loving relationships and find inner peace inside of themselves. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Wonder Woman

Some narcissistic women fit in a category that I call the Wonder Woman. There is nothing she can’t achieve. The narcissistic wonder woman is highly competitive. She will do and say anything to be number one. Some narcissistic wonder women have high metabolisms. They either feel very little pain or are masterful at concealing their pain. They have wills of iron. The narcissistic wonder woman has an impeccable external image that is constantly updated and refreshed using a variety of aesthetic procedures. The narcissistic wonder woman may appear to be slightly manic. She is restless, moving all of the time. They are not bi-polar disorders. She knows how to expertly wield the bejeweled axe on those who are obstacles on your upward trajectory. Think of the Atlantis rocket fully ignited on the launch pad. Are you going to get in front of this one–I don’t think so.

If you are feeling weak, vulnerable, are incapable of empathy. They expect no complaints, no vulnerability and of course no tragedy.

The narcissist uses primitive unconscious projections to inflict pain on you. These are defense mechanisms that are out of the narcissist’s consciousness. If you have to deal with the narcissistic wonder woman, learn how to be psychologically detached. Developing a regular hatha yoga practice with emphasis on the breath will help you focus. Meditation, quieting the mind is another way of learning how to detach from the narcissist.

Learn to appreciate that you are real. You have genuine feelings. You are not a machine, an artiface. You are authentic with many creative gifts. Go forward with your life and appreciate your individuality. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Leave the Narcissist’s Golden Circle

What price will you pay to remain a part of the golden circle with whom the narcissist surrounds himself/herself. This is a group of individuals who have been hand picked by the narcissist to enhance his image, maintain and grab more worldly power, to substantially inflate his grandiosity and extreme feelings of self entitlement. As the spouse of a narcissist you are head cheerleader. Many spouses are willing to play this role in exchange for an easy carefree lifestyle where one’s needs are fulfilled, you are waited on and treated with great deference, You are looked upon as a special person only because of the tremendous prestige of your spouse. This is good news and bad news. If you are looked upon as prominent, special person due to your choice of marital partner and your position in the family, you are treated with special care not because of yourself as an individual but solely due to your close association and relationship another person.

All of those within the golden circle–spouses, children, siblings, close business associates, decorative venerating friends—know how they must obey to remain part of this highly select group. Some members are truly mesmerized by the narcissist, believing that he can do no wrong and that his powers of persuasion and manipulation are limitless.

If you have been enraptured by your role in the golden circle of the narcissist as spouse, child or professional associate and finally recognize that this person is unfair, manipulative, incapable of empathy, deceitful and exploitive, this is your opportunity to take leave of this role to find yourself as an individual. Spouses become highly stressed and disgusted with the control of their lives by the narcissist. Some of them do research and discover that they are married to a duplicitous, severe personality disorder. If the spouse has children with this individual he or she may be very concerned about the negative influence of having a narcissist as a parent.

Waking up from the delusion of believing in the narcissist as a raison d’etre represents a positive shift that provides an opportunity to lead your life, using all of your creative gifts, protecting your children, living with deep inner peace. I have communicated with those who have left the golden circle, especially spouses. Although it can be difficult, these life shifts away from the psychological imprisonment to freedom , this is a positive life choice. With the help of quality psychotherapy, the encouragement and compassion of a strong support group and a deepened understanding of the true nature of the narcissist and all of the psychological nightmares they impose on all of those close to them, this represents ultimately a turn to emotional freedom and re-instituting your own life. Those who achieve this goal deserve our congratulation. They now can make all of their own life decisions—small and large, can move through expansive pathways of creativity and spirituality (in the way that this has meaning for you.) I hear very hopeful reports and a stories of gratefulness and victory when freedom has now become a realization. We celebrate your great accomplishment. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, etc.
Email: [email protected]