Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

Those who haven’t had narcissistic mothers cannot completely understand just how dreadful they are. Each narcissistic mother is ghastly in her own special way. Some are covert and pretend to be good, even holy. They walk around with golden coronas circling their heads. The family members are often impressed with their piety and spiritual devotion. Then there are the flamboyant, grandiose types who are socially very skillful and charming. They are often the center of attention. They magnetize many people to them who believe that they are superior. Above all, despite the outward persona the narcissistic mother always has certain attributes. She lacks genuine empathy and is incapable of feeling and understanding or caring deeply about another person’s feelings, including her own children. What great performances these women play. In private they are holy terrors who cause fear, anxiety, panic and immobilize their children. The exception is the child chosen by the narcissistic mother as the perfect reflection of herself. This son or daughter (in some cases more than one child is picked) gets free reign of the house, never learns how to treat others with respect, has a superior attitude toward himself and overrides the psychological boundaries of other family members. The children who are not chosen are under the heel of the rampaging narcissistic mother. She is hell to live with. Often these women emasculate their husbands and dominate them completely so that they have no say about their own children.

Adult children often report that they suffered from anxiety,tension even pains in the pit of their stomachs when in the presence of narcissistic mom. You never knew when she would threaten you with punishment or take a swipe at you. Narcissistic mothers are tyrannical and get away with it. In the world they are often considered to be wonderful human beings who are considerate and caring and very charming. This is their great acting job at work. So many people are fooled by them. When you tell someone the truth about a narcissistic mother, they will look at you quizzically as if you are being cruel or simply have something wrong with your thinking processes.

If you are the adult child of a narcissistic mother it is past time for you to get rid of the metaphorical or real pain in the pit of your stomach. To lead your own life, it is often necessary to sever the “relationship” because it has become impossible and abusive. Some victims find that excellent psychotherapy helps them to heal. Be careful in picking a therapist. Make sure they understand this personality disorder very well and be sure that they are not narcissistic personalities themselves.

Celebrate your individuality, learn to quiet your mind through gentle yoga practice, meditation–sitting and walking, opening up to your special creativity, finding friends who care deeply about you and are capable of empathy. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic sociopaths leave very few people with whom they form relationships–intact. I am speaking here about the sociopath who does not commit physically violent crimes but perpetrates psychological and emotional crimes that destroy the lives of others—especially his/her children, spouses and ex-spouses. The NS is without conscience of any kind. He is very clever at not getting caught. It is very rare that these individuals serve any time in jail or prison. They are often very bright intellectually and exceedingly quick in scouting out and discovering people whom they can dominate completely. All of their efforts are directed toward reaching the highest professional and social circles where they mingle and become friends with people of great prominence and power. Some of these NSs become big fish in smaller ponds (social milieus) where they their influence spreads throughout entire neighborhoods and small towns.

NSs have been magnetizing people and controlling others all of their lives. Often they are very attractive and learned by adolescence how to be irresistible to the romantic partners. It is not unusual for NSs to have a number of paramours at one time. They brashly take control of large sums of money and property from their family members by sweet talking and cajoling one of their parents to give them the role of executor of the estate, leaving brothers and sisters empty handed and broken hearted. This happens too many times to count.
Everyone the NS targets is harmed unless the prospective victim recognizes the depth of psychopathology he or she is dealing with in advance. The number of those who have been victimized by these horrendous individuals is legion. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The child of a narcissistic mother has no home, whether he or she lives in a humble flat or a mansion. When mother is bonded to her child, she has a special union with this tiny human being. From the beginning a baby and young child either feels secure or insecure. Feeling protected and cared for begins very early.

Narcissistic mothers are unable to nurture, protect, be attuned to or open their hearts to their children. They are obsessed with themselves. Even when they are going about feeding and taking care of their babie’s needs, this is done mechanically without feeling, tenderness or any kind of emotional contact. I have heard life stories of many children of narcissistic mothers say that the woman who was supposed to welcome them into her arms, pushed them away, avoided their tears, their smiles, their pain as if they were not present. These women did the minimum that was needed to keep the baby fed and clean. In some instances the narcissistic mother didn’t offer a basic level of care. She ignored her baby for hours at a time while the little one screamed at the top of his lungs, then gasped and finally fell asleep in total exhaustion. As a result there was no bonding to mother. She was like a statue–look but do not touch. There was no warm flesh to hold, no eye contact, no response to sorrow or pain, no help when the small child felt desperate and alone.

Children of narcissistic mothers are Dispossessed–they have no psychological home or any sense of emotional security.In many cases there are mother substitutes who come to the rescue. Often it is the other parent, an aunt, grandmother, a nanny who is capable of giving the child the affection, emotional sense of security and safety that he needs.

Some children of narcissistic mothers spend many of the growing up years trying to make up for the mother love they never received. Many of them repeat the pattern of being treated badly by marrying a narcissist. When that doesn’t work some of them go on to wed another narcissist.

Others are determined to heal themselves. They benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing modalities like gentle yoga, meditation and the pursuit of their creative gifts. Often these children are highly empathic and are involved with professions that involve helping individuals who are suffering psychologically and emotionally.

Adult children of narcissistic mothers have traveled a difficult road to wholeness. We congratulate you–You have made it against many odds. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists lie to everyone, including themselves. If a narcissist is highly successful and socially smooth he/she can lie as easily as he breathes. When most people lie you can perceive certain downward eye movements, twitching of the mouth, wide eyed looks, blinking, body movements that indicate discomfort.When a clever narcissist lies he looks right into your eyes and tells you with every inflection of his voice, every crinkle of his lids, the direct glance that doesn’t avert that he is telling you the truth. These people are beyond good–They are masters of every type of lie you can imagine.Along with this is no sense of guilt or regret. If you are married to a narcissist you have been lied to incessantly.If you are the sibling of a narcissist, he or she never tells the truth.If you are the child of a narcissist you never could believe what dad or mom said because you were being manipulated by falsehood. Narcissists are incapable of real relationships because they are duplicitous,completely self absorbed, extremely self entitled and have no conscience.They lie by commission and omission. They lie because it is convenient. They lie to maintain their power over you.

Once you have studied the narcissistic personality you will recognize these traits in your spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father or sibling. You will then understand why you have had such a painful time with this person even though he or she is a member of your family.This provides you with valuable knowledge and the power to make a decision if you want to continue a pseudo relationship with someone who cannot be genuine in any way. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:[email protected]

Narcissists are always working on their external image—their faces, clothing, accessories, homes, cars, etc. Part of this image that they constantly announce to the world is the perfection of their wives and children. After all they must be on display as a mirror of the narcissist’s perfection. Children who are attractive, talented and bright are highly prized by the narcissist since they are indicative of his/her superiority and extraordinary image in the world. Narcissists are about the surface of reality not the internal meaning. They are clever at manipulated other people, especially their spouses and children, but this is their extreme cunning not any intellectual, psychololgical or emotional depth. The narcissist suffers from an unconscious psychological emptiness. This is often demonstrated in his frequent bouts of vituperative rage. re famous for their volcanic rage which flows out of them and on to their spouses in particular with great fury. This noxious rage is projected on to spouses like an attack of snake venom. What is happening here is that the toxic contents of the narcissist’s unconscious are vomited out on to the victim—spouses, ex-spouses, children. The outer world gives the narcissist a pass especially if he is very successful and prominent. The other reason is that the narcissist plays his good guy magnetic hero role to the hilt in public, including church, business and socially. When a spouse complains to anyone, she is considered to ungrateful or psychologically unbalanced.

The narcissist fools even more people during this current narcissistic age in which everything is externalized—life is a performance. What we wear, where we live, the kinds of investments we have, the brands of our clothing, our shoes, the jewelry we wear, the dewy youthfulness of our faces—–This what matters to so many in the current public mode. The media creates stars out of people who look physically gorgeous and extremely handsome. Many people are so deluded that they believe that how you look and act is the real you—They are WRONG! Trust in your true inner self. Do your research on the narcissistic personality disorder. You are meeting them every day. Recognize them quickly so that you can be self protective. You can say to yourself: ” I know who you really are. You can’t fool me or control me. I know that you project your venom on to others—Don’t try that with me. It won’t work!” To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The narcissistic mother’s shares the stage with no one—not even her lovely daughter. There are a some NMs who choose a daughter that will mirror the mother’s perfection and who becomes her living clone. The daughter’s beauty, mental brightness and other gifts are the reason that she is chosen as the quintessential narcissistic supply to keep mother’s ego fully inflated.

Daughters who are not chosen are treated very differently. Some are discarded out of hand and neglected—left to fend for themselves from the time they are young.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers refuse to be forced to play the role that mother has written. These daughters are are often very bright, attractive and have a mind of their own. Narcissistic mothers hold a deep envy of these offspring. They view this daughter as a threat to her power and control. They are obsessively envious of the daughter who can think for herself and is not willing to play the role of clone or discard. This daughter becomes mom’s enemy. Mother fears that this child will surpass her. As she becomes older (narcissists are terrified of aging) her daughter develops into a very attractive, intelligent young woman. The narcissistic mother tries every put down, verbal ambush, humiliation in her book of cruelties. Mother starts to call her the “problem daughter” who is unstable and unpredictable, causing the entire family horrific problems. These are mental inventions on the part of the narcissistic mother’s attempt to demean and diminish her daughter’s identity.

On an unconscious level the narcissistic mother cannot deal with her feelings of emptiness and self loathing. She projects these toxic feelings on to her child. Some daughters recognize early that they are the targets of their mother’s envy and recognize the pathology of their family. Many of them spend as much time away from mother’s psychopathology as possible. Some find other female figures –teachers, aunts, grandmothers–who appreciate them for their authentic selves and give them a secure place to express their feelings and thoughts.

Many of these daughters benefit from quality psychotherapy and work through the core issues of having an envious narcissistic mother. They recognized their entitlements as unique individuals capable of using all of their creative gifts and to participate in giving and receiving love and affection–becoming the human beings they were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic mothers are intolerant and disdainful of their daughter’s individuality from the beginning. Narcissistic mothers have the same psychopathological core but different styles of “mothering.” Putting this word in parentheses is meant to convey that these women are pseudo mothers. They are incapable of deep affection, emotional bonding or allow their child to be herself. They make every attempt to impose a false persona on their daughters. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly cruel either through neglect or abuse or a combination of the two. The force of their lives is centered around themselves. Their daughters, if they are chosen for their intellectual gifts, beauty or talent, are molded to become perfect replicas of mother. They are forced to become puppets who will mirror back to the narcissistic mother her sublime image. Narcissistic mothers don’t permit their daughters to develop their own true identities. They are insensitive to their child’s special temperament and disposition. They have no understanding that they may have a daughter who is highly sensitive and intuitive. Narcissistic mothers often make fun of and deride the daughter who is finely tuned emotionally and psychologically and who is highly empathic. They tell this daughter she is weak; she needs to toughen up and be strong. She screams at her daughter:” You are too emotional. You are overly sensitive and react to everything that happens. What’s the matter with you? You cry about the smallest things; I’m beginning to think you have severe emotional problems–and on and on.

The chosen daughter gets all of the praise and adulation because she fits into the perfect narcissistic mother mold. As long as she stays in this role she is given the nicest room, lovely clothing, social opportunities—her mother’s perpetual blessings. In conversation the narcissistic mother always talks about this splendid “star” daughter “not the other ones.”

Unchosen daughters are either forgotten and often treated very abusively. Daughters of narcissistic mothres are always the target of their mother’s primitive unconscious projections. She pours her psychological venom on to them—nonstop.

Many of these daughters grow up not knowing who they really are. Mother has rejected them. Often the father is intimidated by the NM and when push comes to shove, he relinquishes his authority and steps in line with her because he fears his formidable wife.

Some of these daughters learn very early that mother doesn’t care about them even that she is hated; that she is being cruelly pushed aside. There are daughters who secretly maintain their true identities. They turn to books, to art, to writing, to journaling, to Nature to find respite and peace and to nurture and preserve the fire of their individuality.
These daughters are true heroes. Some of them find mentors and mother substitutes—other family members–aunts, grandmothers, teachers, mothers of friends to whom they can turn to share their true selves. These women listen, take them in, understand them and nourish them.

Some daughters of NMs leave home early to escape from this psychologically poisonous environment. They learn to chart their own course. They use their unique gifts. There is a small voice inside of them that says: ” You are a unique individual who deserves respect and understanding.” “I am not my mother; I am myself and I accept and love myself.”

Sometimes the ability to see themselves this way involves going through psychotherapy with an excellent clinician. The daughter of a narcissistic mother takes a journey back to the original self. There she discovers that her horizons are unlimited, that her creative gifts are intact, that she is capable of giving and receiving love and kindness and deserves to experience deep inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:[email protected]

We are always in the process of evolving. We feel the internal gashes, blows and deep bruises of childhood cruelty and maternal deprivation, especially if we are children of a narcissistic mother. This is one of the greatest challenges in life. There are those who have that moment of awakening and recognize that there mother is a narcissistic personality. Something deep inside them stirs and says they must free themselves of this deep wound. They are determined to break from the psychological and emotional shackles of the parent who never was.

This insight about your narcissistic mother puts you on the path to healing yourself. Your are a unique human being—an invaluable one. Although you may share the DNA of your mother and father and your ancestors, you are not them. You will never be on the face of the earth again–Your special imprint will never appear again past, present, future. You have time left to fulfill the evolution of your original self–the person you were meant to be.

Healing often begins with grieving the mother you did not have. You feel like crying. You are infuriated by all of the years of brainwashing, cruelties, put-downs, constant verbal abuse that has made you wonder if you are too blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Always remember this. You didn’t ask to be the child of this mother. An aspect of your healing very many is to sever the “relationship” with this non mother. Other members of the family may object or wonder what you are doing. WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, NOT THE OTHER PARENT,NOT OTHER SIBLINGS, NOT IN-LAWS –MATTERS. THIS IS YOUR DECISION TO HEAL.

Individuals heal in different ways. Let yourself cry, Give yourself the solitude and time that it takes to move through this process. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Make sure that you interview a couple of therapists and make sure that are not narcissists or people who have a strong money motive.

There are a number of healing modalities including gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on the breath, sitting and walking meditation, the company and contact with a couple of friends who care deeply about you and are available at any time. Spontaneous writing done consistently without editing gives your a portal to your feelings and access to your creativity. If you draw and paint, do this–Start a healing art book. Remember, no judgements. Look at yourself. Give yourself love and credit for your psychological survival under horrendous childhood circumstances. I have a deep commitment to those who are children of narcissistic mothers. I am amazed by their compassion and kindness. I am honored by their presence in the world.
Keep evolving–there are no limits—keep loving–Keep giving solace to others as you have all of your life.
You will find peace and your gifts will expand and deepen. We are so fortunate to share a place with you in the world. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph..D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@the narcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by lmlphd

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult life experiences. From the time you were born, you could not be properly nurtured and cherished because your mother was a narcissist. Her touch was rough, insensitive or non-existent. Some narcissistic mothers are unable to hold their babies and only give them a quick bottle that is propped up. There is no contact or it it brusque, brisk and without any positive emotion. In fact some narcissistic mothers resent their daughters so much they can bearable stand to look at them. When they do it is an expression of disdain and anger that the little daughter sees on her mother’s face. “Mama doesn’t love me.” This is the loud message that many daughters have imprinted on their consciousness very early. If the father is capable of affection and emotional connection this can be the saving grace—And a grandparent or aunt can make all of the difference. In some cases an older sibling is the person who mothers this child. For some there is no one in the family and I have discovered some daughters who have literally raised themselves. This is truly remarkable but not without the psychological wounds that are unseen on the outside but cause deep psychic pain in the inside.

Narcissistic mothers haunt their daughters. These daughters often question themselves and even blame themselves for a lack of maternal love. This is due to the earliest imprinting of maternal deprivation and psychological abuse. Some daughters go on to marry narcissistic men and the cycle of repetition continues. When we grow up with this level of pathology–that is our reality. We needed to do what was necessary to survive–Never blame yourself for that–ever! Be grateful for the dear child who moment by moment, week by week, year by year–was determined to survive. That is an incredible achievement.

Some daughters remain under the thumb of the narcissistic mother terror. They are fused with her. They love her and hate her simultaneously. This pattern can be very powerful. However, it does not have to remain in place.

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers finally recognize that their mother is a person who suffers from serious psychopathology that will not change. They make the break with the narcissistic mother. They recognize that they were given a life and are entitled to lead it according to their own unique natures, to use their creative gifts, to find deep peace inside, to give and receive love. Many of these daughters find help an change working with an excellent therapist. (Make sure you don’t choose a narcissistic psychotherapist who has a money motive at the top of her/his list).

There are many healing paths that will appeal to you. Find the ones that work for you alone. Gentle hath yoga with its emphasis on the breath through the nose is very calming. It expands our consciousness and has an impact on bringing the nervous system into balance. Journaling for many is a way of putting your spontaneous feelings and thoughts on the page without editing. Different forms of artistic expression are very freeing and creative. Exercise your way and find that you become physically stronger, steadier and more emotionally balanced. Develop a relationship(s) with what I call the 2 am friend–someone you can call when you are feeling down or scared or indecisive. These loving people can make all of the difference in our lives.
Meditation in a form that works for you –walking, sitting, solitude in any activity where you will not be interrupted is also a way of quieting the mind and nervous system.

For those who have deceased narcissistic mothers– learn how to put her to rest in your mind and heart. This can be part of a grieving process for a woman who was a non-mother. It is a grieving for the mother you never had and this is so sad it makes you cry. Crying is a way of releasing psychological and emotional pain and saying goodbye to the mother we never had. This can be done and it is a journey—a journey to the real self. I hear from daughters of narcissistic mothers who are in the process of healing. This is very encouraging and true. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The narcissistic mother abuses her children by her presence alone. She is cold, disingenuous, hyper critical, emotionally unavailable, completely self absorbed and unempathic. Babies immediately know who their mother really is. Babies of narcissistic mothers internally know that their mother is incapable of loving them of caressing them of holding and bonding with them. They feel this deep inside although they are too young to speak or even think rationally because they are too young. As the child of the narcissistic mother grows, this woman has a stronger grip on her child. She has high expectations especially if you are the chosen golden child. She doesn’t care how you are feelings and thinking. She has plans for you. You must become a doctor, an attorney, a CEO–You must rise to the heights or you are a failure. She fuses with you psychologically. You cannot get away from her. Even when she is not present in the room you feel her tugging at you, criticizing you–forcing you to go in the direction she has chosen for you. Growing up with a narcissistic mother it is difficult to maintain your own thoughts and feelings. That’s how much she has taken over. She decides who your friends should be. She meddles in your life on every level.

The child who is discarded by the narcissistic mother is ignored and often scoffed at or even laughed at. He or she is compared with the golden child and always comes up wanting. “Why can’t you be bright like your brother.” “You are stupid and lazy. I have always known that about you.” You will always be a failure. You should be ashamed of yourself.” These psychological blows are unrelenting. These children are always suffering under the heel of the cruelty of the narcissistic mother.

The golden child is psychologically fused with the narcissistic mother and is revered and even considered as some kind of deity.

As you grow up you try to undo the shackles of the narcissistic mother. This is a very difficult thing to do. You are already enmeshed with her. You have a love/hate relationship with her. It’s not real love; it is an obligation and a kind of imprisonment.

These forms of psychological haunting can go on for generations until someone breaks the pattern. Will you be the one who will or has done this. There are daughters and sons of narcissistic others who have freed themselves from their bonds. They are leading their own lives on their terms. They have permanently disengaged from the cruel matriarch of their recurrent nightmares. Many of them have benefited from quality psychotherapy, healing modalities like gentle yoga, walking or sitting meditation, health enhancing exercise and good diet, etc.Take heart. You can change this horrific pattern. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]