Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

Leaving the Narcissist—From Delusion to Truth

Leaving the Narcissist—From Delusion to Truth

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Narcissists live in a world of their own making. For the classic narcissist it is larger than life to suit his enormous ego. They stand at the center of the universe—everything and everyone revolves around them. Those who are married to narcissists, children of narcissists or siblings of narcissists are keenly aware that there isn’t enough room for them in this view of reality. The narcissist is highly deluded. He/she believes that he is perfect, incapable of making mistakes, ruthlessly self absorbed and willing to psychologically endanger even his wife and children to get what he wants. Some spouses of narcissists are so mesmerized by them that they are psychologically fused and are unable to distinguish themselves from their partner. In spite of this some of those who share a comfortable lifestyle with the narcissist continue to fool themselves that they are truly loved. The narcissist cannot love or be intimate with another human being. Many are deluded, spending much of their lives wishing rather than facing reality. At times we are swept away and impressed with people who are highly successful and appear to have it all, without considering that they are not human beings of integrity. They are shallow, empty, venal, ruthless and superficial. It is their worldly acquisitions and their power reach that impress the majority of people today. This is all part of the narcissistic style which has become predominant among a large portion of our population.

Many of those psychologically abused by the narcissist in their roles of spouse, child or sibling finally wake up and recognize that this individual suffers from a severe personality disorder that is not going to change. Spouses of narcissists can decide to stay in this abusive relationship and make the most of their constrained lives. You cannot be yourself; you are suffocating from the narcissist’s overwhelming role in your life; you are not free to be creative and you have no inner peace. Severing a relationship with a narcissist is not easy but it can be done. It is a grand leap from delusion to truth—your truth. Those who have taken this initiative with courage and perseverance discover that they are now living with the truth about themselves, have their life opening and expanding in front of them and are free to determine their own destinies. If they have children, they have given them a greater chance of becoming whole solid human beings who seek and experience truth over delusion.

Major life decisions are worth all of the hard work, effort and stamina that they take. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Each moment lived in truth is a great achievement. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed as a book and e-Book
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses of Narcissists—Treated as Objects and Possessions

Those who are married to narcissists are not treated as individuals. You are the ultimate living narcissistic supply. What could be better for a narcissist to have a woman at his side who projects the perfect image and enhances the narcissist’s persona in business and public life. You have your own profession and career. You deserve tremendous credit for all of the smart work you have done to build your professional status and to achieve the respect of your business associates and your bosses. Despite the excellent work you are doing and what you are achieving and mastering, your narcissistic spouse is not impressed. He may use your work status as a way of embroidering his image but in private you are demeaned and treated like an inferior.

Narcissists are incapable of empathy or intimacy of any kind. The spouse is an object that the narcissist possesses. Many spouses of narcissists report that while they were married to the narcissist they felt like they were leading his or her life not their own. Narcissistic spouses are often very envious of their husbands or wives. They perceive you as a possible power threat in the relationship. When this becomes obvious, that’s when their verbal attacks step out. The non-narcissistic spouse is worn down by the constant unrelenting put downs, verbal assaults, humiliating remarks and attempts to high jack your personal and professional life. Some spouses are so subdued and brainwashed that they feel forced to ask permission from the narcissist even in making personal decisions. If you have a great idea, the narcissistic spouse criticizes you , then decides it was his concept in the first place and it is brilliant.

After spending a number of years married to a narcissist, the partner often become emotionally, psychologically and physically exhausted. There is very little respite. Some spouses report that they can’t wait for their narcissistic spouse to leave on business trips. The abused spouse counts the hours before departure.
Some abused spouses finally recognize that they don’t deserve to be treated like objects or possessions. They come to these realizations through psychotherapy, their own insights and close friendships that provide them with loving support and patient listening. Spouses who make the decision to renew their lives by leaving the imprisonment of marriage to a narcissist re-discover that they are unique individuals who deserve respect, the use of all of the creative gifts and islands of inner peace. The journey is worth the challenge it often takes to extricate oneself from a narcissistic spouse. Keep your concentration and focus on your goal—reclaiming the person you were born to become. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

Scapegoat to the Narcissistic Parent No More

Many children of narcissists have played the scapegoat role in order to survive childhood. This is chronically hurtful, painful and demeaning to a child. When other siblings are representing a narcissistic supply to the parent, these kids are shoved in a corner, told they are worthless, even that they were never wanted and should have been an abortion—Yes I have heard this more than once—It is despicable.

Surprisingly, many of these children find their way. They survive by keeping out of target range. Some of them spend large amounts of time with the families of friends. Others engage in solitary activities—spending time in the library, fantasy games, spending healing time with Nature, creating imaginary friends, drawing, painting, computers, writing, etc. They have creative gifts and are using them. They still take the blows of their dreadful “parents” and the budding narcissistic brothers and sisters who torture them with cruel words and threats. If this child is fortunate he has a brother or sister who protects him by communicating that he loves this person and will always be there for him.

One of the greatest days is the one when you decide you are a victim of your narcissistic parent no more. You will take no more abuse no matter what the consequences. Some young adults leave their home, go it alone and find their way. It is very difficult and frightening to be by oneself without resources but they are scrappers who are determined to make it on their own. As they grow into adulthood they recognize that they were placed into the middle of a psychological cesspool. They have left the toxic stew of the narcissistic family. We congratulate them. They have left a dreadful prison. Those set free spend time healing themselves psychologically. Many find help from excellent therapists. (A piece of advice–Be very discerning about the therapist you choose—Some psychotherapists are narcissists and will project their unconscious feelings and thoughts on to you. It’s worth taking the time to find a great therapist). Standing at the top of the hill, you have won the battle. You are strong despite the scars of your wounds. Feeling those old scars is empowering. Don’t expect other people to understand where you are coming from unless they have been through life and death battles of their own. Most individuals are in deep delusion and only want to hear “happy talk”, phony superficial chatter. You are on a road less traveled. Celebrate!!! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

Children of Narcissists Have a Right to Heal

So many adult children of narcissistic mothers and/or fathers hold on to their suffering—not on purpose but unconsciously because that has been their reality all of their lives. From the time they could barely walk and talk they were psychologically bruised and bloodied by the narcissistic parent. Every day there was a new accusation, a criticism that cut through to the bone, a smirk that said: “You are worthless; I wish you had never been born.” “Why can’t you be like your brilliant older sister who gets all A’s.” “You have an uneven nose and thin lips. We’ll have to take you to a plastic surgeon later on so you don’t embarrass the family.”

“Sometimes you smell; it disgusts me.” And on and on—an endless road of insults that wound the heart and shake the nerves. Yet you have survived this gulag of abuse. That is a great accomplishment and you have done it with you humanity intact.

Know that you have a right to heal—-completely. You can disengage yourself from all of the cruel, malicious blows of your narcissistic parent. You don’t have to carry these burdens any longer. Begin by recognizing that although you share the DNA of your narcissistic parent, you are a separate individual. You are entitled to develop all of your talents and gifts fully. You are entitled to feel a deep inner peace and a love for yourself. You are entitled to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. You have a separate life that is precious. You are entitled to resurrect your humor, the sing when you feel happy, to embrace others, to be spontaneous, to live fully in this moment. Some children of narcissistic parents benefit from psychotherapy.Do the research and make sure that your therapist is highly trained, devoted to her/his clients and very empathic. Make sure you don’t sense a money motive and especially check it out to rule out a narcissistic psychotherapist. They are out there, victimizing vulnerable clients. There are many healing pathways. Find the ones that work for you–gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, creative endeavors that put you in touch with the unlimited use of your imagination. Some form of exercise is very valuable in keeping your body strong, your nerves quiet and your mind clear. Become aware of the precious moment: the tiny sound of the hummingbird over your head–greeting you, the wind wafting through your nostrils, the full smile of a happy baby, the warm hug of a friend, the moon at night darting in and out of the clouds. the lake of stars above like a diamond tiara—-endless moments of beauty. You can and will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Psychotherapists-Identify Them and Keep Your Distance

There are many excellent psychotherapists who help individuals, couples and families to identify, work through and resolve psychological and emotional issues in an ethical and competent manner.

In this post I am speaking about narcissistic psychotherapists—including psychiatrists, psychologists and various counselors who have narcissistic personalities and can cause psychological and emotional harm to their clients. This is particularly the case if the client is in a chronic state of crisis, emotionally dependent, lives in continual fear of abandonment and has severe symptoms of clinical depression and/or anxiety. Some clients live in a state of mental confusion and are delusional in their thinking. These people are particularly vulnerable in the outside world. There are narcissistic therapists whose major goal is to create and expand their business empire. For them only the bottom line that matters—how many patients will pay them at the highest fees possible for their services. Some therapists keep clients for monetary gain over periods of years rather than referring them to a professional or group that can be helpful. .

To protect yourself from narcissistic psychotherapist, watch for these character traits and behaviors in your psychotherapist:
Poor eye contact. The therapist is distracted and restless.
Taking telephone calls or initiating them during a session.
Constant self reference–therapist talks about himself and his family rather than focusing on his patients
Pattern of changing appointment times
Therapist displays behaviors of grandiosity and extreme self entitlement
Therapist does not listen and is not attuned to the client’s feelings, thoughts, fantasies, fears, worries.
Therapist does not make himself/herself available during times of crisis
Argumentativeness and defensiveness–The therapist is always right; the patient is always wrong.
Therapist’s lack of empathy.

It doesn’t matter how many degrees, clinical internships, books authored or prestigious universities a psychotherapist has attended. With all of the perfect credentials a psychotherapist can still be a narcissist especially if this is a smooth well rehearsed convincing role.

To protect yourself from narcissistic psychotherapists, do your homework. Referrals from professional people whom you trust is important. This does not guarantee that this is the right therapist for you. Pay very close attention to your intuition. If you are getting the impression that this therapist has narcissistic issues, regardless of his/her educational and clinical experience, listen carefully to this message. Don’t respond to any pressure a psychotherapist places on you to enter treatment. Interview several therapists. You are hiring someone to work with and help you. You are in charge of this decision. There are many excellent psychotherapists who are highly competent, knowledgeable, clinically and personally fit and highly empathic. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book:amazon and amazon kindle edition Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Marital Counseling with Narcissistic Spouses-Taking a Big Chance

Many men and women marry narcissists without knowing the truth about their personality structures. This is not surprising. Narcissists appear to have it all—the image of physical attractiveness, smooth social skills, charm, even charisma combined with great self confidence. What’s not to fall for. In the beginning the narcissist is very attentive to the partner he/she has chosen. Many of these masterful manipulators bend to your every wish, even anticipating what you want before you ask for it. They are lavish in their attention and giving. As time moves on, the emotional scene changes and you notice how demanding, perfectionistic, cunning and deceptive they are. For many spouses a time comes when the non-narcissistic spouse has reached a point where she can no longer tolerate marriage to this self absorbed unempathic partner. Some spouses want to save the marriage. They unwittingly believe that they are dealing with a normal person—someone who is willing to go into therapy with the best intentions and try to sort out the mutual and individual issues that will improve their marriage. This happens frequently and doesn’t have a favorable result.

It is your decision to enter couples therapy. My clinical experience has been that narcissists believe that they are superior, have no imperfections, that problems with the marriage belong to their partner. They will either refuse to go to therapy or if they do will sabotage the process. In some cases, they persuade the therapist to take their side. That’s the cunning of the narcissistic personality disorder.

Rather than trying to fix or change your narcissistic spouse, it would be more helpful to you, if you are seeking therapy, find an excellent counselor and see them one on one. It is important that this professional has studied narcissistic personality disorder in depth and has counseled many spouses who are married to these individuals. Think about your emotional and psychological welfare first and that of your children. There are solutions. They may not preserve the marriage but they will help you to reclaim your life, your emotional and psychological well being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Psychotherapists Cause Psychological Damage

Today we are surrounded by narcissists in our personal and professional lives. Narcissists have entered every profession and many of them are highly successful psychotherapists. Narcissists are often very intelligent. They frequently attend the finest universities, get first rate clinical training and have the confidence and drive to establish a successful clinical practice. Even today graduate schools and medical schools and those in charge of internships do not do an adequate job of weeding out applicants who are not psychologically suited to treat individuals who are suffering from a variety of mental disorders. Most licensing for psychotherapists of various kinds require very little private therapy on the part of the applicant. If your grades are good and you have succeeded in your internships and passed the exams, you have earned a license for practicing psychotherapy.

I have had a lot of experience with clients who have had either mediocre or poor quality psychotherapy that not only didn’t solve their issues but made them feel more helpless, frightened and discouraged. Some clients have been drawn into inappropriate sexual relationships with their therapists and had to deal with severe emotional and mental fallout from this deep level of betrayal. A serious transgression of this kind can cause the patient to emotionally regress and lose ground from all of the work they have done in the past. They have to start over again, finding a professional whom they can trust and is worthy of this role. Narcissists have severe boundary issues. Everything belongs to them. People are their possessions, created for them to do their bidding. When a narcissistic therapist crosses the sexual line with a patient he/she has no conscience about the devastating effects of these actions. The therapist controls the patient, is having his ego and sexual needs fulfilled and doesn’t give a damn about the psychological consequences to someone whom he is professionally and ethically and legally required to protect. The client is in a vulnerable position of transferring powerful feelings and fantasies on to the therapist. Narcissistic therapists often take full advantage of these emotionally fragile individuals who are at their mercy. (There are psychotherapists who are not narcissists who have sexual relationships with their clients.) Fortunately, in some cases, the therapist is reported to the appropriate authorities and his/her license is revoked. However, there are many more instances in which the patient is discarded by the person they trusted the most. They believed they were in love with the therapist and now are mercilessly discarded to fend for themselves. Some patients end up hospitalized and in a very fragile psychological state as a result.

Many narcissistic therapists are never caught and quickly move on to their next victim. The outrageousness of these acts cannot be overstated. A client comes to a professional therapist in desperate need of psycholological help. (There are both male and female narcissistic therapist perpetrators. Male therapists are still more prevalently reported in the literature). Her guard is down—she is highly vulnerable. She believes that a trusting therapeutic alliance is growing between them. The psychotherapist breaks the boundaries of trust and professionalism, has sex with his client and when he is finished with her, he moves on to leave his previous client’s life in a state of emotional and psychological chaos. The majority of psychotherapists are professional and ethical. I am speaking about the exceptions. Nevertheless, narcissistic therapists do a tremendous amount of psychological damage to their patients and to the profession itself. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Freeing Yourself from Your Narcissistic Mother

Even if you have long severed your relationship with your narcissistic mother, there can be residues of feelings that remain.Some children of narcissistic mothers after many years of estrangement, still believe that they can renew their relationship with mother and that this time it will be different. They tell themselves that in the passing years, mother has mellowed, softened. She may even be capable of insight. She could even say that she is “sorry.” Many of these children with whom I have had contact find that the narcissistic mother has not changed. She is still blaming her son or daughter for everything that doesn’t work perfectly for her. She accuses these children of abandoning her, when for many decades, from early childhood on, she has made her sons and daughters lives, unbearable. She has been unrelenting in her criticisms, venomous projections, cruel betrayals, pitting one child against the other, insisting that her child must follow a specific profession that will bring honor and prestige to the family. These children are not allowed to choose their own personal destinies. The narcissistic mother is the ultimate controller. Some of these mothers choose partners and career paths for their sons and daughters. Children in the family who show an independence of mind are are hounded and criticized. The narcissist child in the family, the individual who moves synchronistically to mother’s choreography, is venerated like a member of royalty in the family. Mother cannot stop obsessively praising this child, openly comparing him/her with the other children.

After all of the psychological pain of not having a mother who is genuinely capable of love find ways to heal themselves through quality psychotherapy and a number of modalities including meditation, hatha yoga, tai chi, etc. Many find support groups of other individuals who have suffered from having a narcissistic mother. Some find comfort and peace through learning how to still the mind through meditation, practicing yoga, tai chi, qi gong and other healing practices. The process of individuation–becoming a resourceful whole separate human being is lifelong. We are always a work in progress— bringing intellectual curiosity to our activities, developing mental and spiritual steadiness, working with our unique creativity and reaching out to others who will be comforted by our kindness and receptivity to them. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Narcissistic Psychotherapists-Identify Them and Keep Your Distance

There are many excellent psychotherapists who help individuals, couples and families to identify, work through and resolve psychological and emotional issues in an ethical and competent manner.

In this post I am speaking about narcissistic psychotherapists—including psychiatrists, psychologists and various counselors who have narcissistic personalities and can cause psychological and emotional harm to their clients. This is particularly the case if the client is in a chronic state of crisis, emotionally dependent, lives in continual fear of abandonment and has severe symptoms of clinical depression and/or anxiety. Some clients live in a state of mental confusion and are delusional in their thinking. These people are particularly vulnerable in the outside world. There are narcissistic therapists whose major goal is to create and expand their business empire. For them only the bottom line that matters—how many patients will pay them at the highest fees possible for their services. Some therapists keep clients for monetary gain over periods of years rather than referring them to a professional or group that can be helpful. .

To protect yourself from narcissistic psychotherapist, watch for these character traits and behaviors in your psychotherapist:
Poor eye contact. The therapist is distracted and restless.
Taking telephone calls or initiating them during a session.
Constant self reference–therapist talks about himself and his family rather than focusing on his patients
Pattern of changing appointment times
Therapist displays behaviors of grandiosity and extreme self entitlement
Therapist does not listen and is not attuned to the client’s feelings, thoughts, fantasies, fears, worries.
Therapist does not make himself/herself available during times of crisis
Argumentativeness and defensiveness–The therapist is always right; the patient is always wrong.
Therapist’s lack of empathy.

It doesn’t matter how many degrees, clinical internships, books authored or prestigious universities a psychotherapist has attended. With all of the perfect credentials a psychotherapist can still be a narcissist especially if this is a smooth well rehearsed convincing role.

To protect yourself from narcissistic psychotherapists, do your homework. Referrals from professional people whom you trust is important. This does not guarantee that this is the right therapist for you. Pay very close attention to your intuition. If you are getting the impression that this therapist has narcissistic issues, regardless of his/her educational and clinical experience, listen carefully to this message. Don’t respond to any pressure a psychotherapist places on you to enter treatment. Interview several therapists. You are hiring someone to work with and help you. You are in charge of this decision. There are many excellent psychotherapists who are highly competent, knowledgeable, clinically and personally fit and highly empathic. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book:amazon and amazon kindle edition Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses-Psychological Torture

There are innumerable forms of torture. When we think of torture our imaginations create mental pictures of extreme, prolonged physical abuse–flogging, beating, stoning, whipping, sleep deprivation. In recent studies of adult victims of torture the results show: “Degrading treatment and psychological manipulation cause as much emotional suffering and long-term mental damage as physical torture.”

Many spouses of narcissists experience psychological, mental and emotional abuse that can be described as torture. These inhumane forms of treatment are unrelenting and long lasting. Constant barrages of volcanic rage, sadistic criticisms and humiliations can break the spouse down, creating a person who feels helpless and hopeless. Some of these individuals don’t know how they will survive through another moment and others feel the pull to give up completely. The victim of narcissistic torture is a prisoner even if he or she lives in a mansion and leads a heady lifestyle. It is in the privacy of the inner walls of home and mind that the constant assaults on the self take place. Friends, relatives and acquaintances often believe that this is a perfect couple. They have everything and are high achievers. The external image is stunning in its perfection. Beneath this surface is pure hellish terror that lives inside the abused spouse. Never underestimate the lengths a narcissist will go to undermine and attempt to destroy a marital partner.

I have been in communication with spouses who were psychologically tortured for years and finally escaped their captor. The first step is recognizing the severity of what is being done to you, knowing that you absolutely do not deserve this treatment and that you can and will find ways to escape the narcissist and re-capture and reclaim your life. Good psychotherapy provides the opportunity for a strong steady therapeutic alliance that is an essential zone of safety for the client. There are support groups that help victims to recognize that they are not alone and have different life options. Work on building your spiritual foundation through a regular practice. This can take the form of meditation, prayer, gentle yoga. Your intuition is a life companion. Call upon this great gift often and it will strengthen and steady your entire life. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com