Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

I have been getting emails from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers for a long time. These life stories are moving; they are filled with expressions of deep psychological pain experienced over many decades. In so many instances these children have suffered deprivation and psychological and emotional abuse of all kinds since they were small children. Narcissistic mothers cannot love their children. Some of these mothers appear to have a deep devotion to their child. In these cases the narcissistic mother finds certain qualities and talents in her child that can be developed to enhance her image and provide her with an unending source of bragging rights and narcissistic supplies. Having a gorgeous daughter, academically gifted son or daughter, standout athlete, pumps up the family image of perfection and high achievement. The narcissistic mother watches everyone turning to her as the source of such extraordinary progeny.

In this post I am speaking directly to those adult children of narcissistic mothers who are still suffering from the mother wound—the legacy of having a parent who is incapable of love, who cares only about herself and exploits and controls her children to satisfy her rapacious ego needs. I am reaching out to those who grew up in this highly dysfunctional and hurtful family constellation to stop blaming yourselves for the cruelties, coldness and traumas heaped upon you by your narcissistic mother. No matter what sacrifice you make, how many times you turn yourself inside out and relinquish the sanctity of your life, you cannot change your narcissistic parent.

What you can do is begin to recognize your own value as an individual who has endured and survived a very brutal childhood. Don’t expect most people to understand how deeply you have suffered. I find that very few individuals comprehend the pain of others unless they have consciously experienced deprivation and psychological pain in their childhoods and have worked hard with will and perseverance to unlock and heal these childhood traumas through quality psychotherapy or other healing modalities. You are no longer alone as you were as a small child at the mercy of a narcissistic mother. You now have options and pathways to transform psychological pain, to heal and move forward to lead the life that you deserve—-filled with insight, creativity, compassion, joy and inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a great challenge in their lives. Many of them don’t realize that their mothers are narcissistic until they are adults themselves. Many daughters knew right away that mother was cold and distant, not hugable, didn’t pay real attention to them, was preoccupied with her own life and that was all that mattered, was too psychologically fused with her husband to make room for her and the other children. These daughters go through a tremendous ordeal recognizing and then struggling to redefine themselves as individuals who are authentic and separate. I have communicated with many daughters who have prevailed and have re-found their true selves. This is a great victory.

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers can go through a process of healing, a time of individuating from the narcissistic mother. There is a psychological blooming that takes place. One of the first steps is acknowledging that you deserve to be treated with respect and empathy. Another is self care, rediscovering your creative gifts, learning to still the mind through meditation, gentle yoga and other practices that foster inner peace. Finding your own expression of creativity in the form that appeals to your inclinations is very freeing, especially for daughters of narcissistic mothers who were so controlling and manipulative. Along the way, nurture true friendships of trust that are reciprocal. A deep authentic friendship helps us to see our inner and outer world in a new way and to nourish ourselves. Practice the art of becoming less judgmental. Enjoy your spontaneity and the uses of the imagination as well as your delightful sense of humor. Humor saves us every time. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of narcissistic mothers suffer horribly as young children and adults. Many of them don’t recognize that their mother was a narcissist until years into their adulthood. They believed the family story-what was told to them by mother. Mother was the center of attention in the household. She always got what she wanted from everyone, including her husband and children. When we grow up in this kind of family, it is what we believe. These daughters learn to fade into the woodwork or become their mother’s 24/7 servants, always at their disposal. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers idealize them, remembering how beautiful they were. They want to emulate their mothers and become just like them. They see the kind of attention that these women attract—they are always at center stage, getting all of the attention and praise. They believe they are special and treated that way. The little daughter is willing to take mother’s crumbs as long as she can maintain some semblance of a relationship with her. Often the father is marginalized very early and used as a prop for monetary and image reasons.

It isn’t surprising that as these daughters grow up and begin to find romantic partners that they would be beguiled by the narcissistic men. These charmers are masters at captivating women. As they speak their lines they are clever method actors who believe what they are saying. This is their role and they are playing it to the hilt. Many daughters of narcissists repeat the pattern of becoming deeply involved with another narcissist—a spouse. This is a psychological pattern of unconscious repetition. We go back to the familiar, what we learned early in our lives and normalized. I have communicated with many daughters who have repeated this pattern and awakened to see what they were doing—repeating the psychological abuse that was heaped on them as children. Many of these daughters recognize what they are doing, feel the full force of its negative psychological effect on them, educate themselves about the narcissistic personality and make the necessary break with the narcissistic spouse. As painful as a divorce can be and often is, they have decided that they will do anything they can to reclaim themselves and their lives. Now they are free to be emotionally and psychologically independent for the first time. They are taking full initiative with the direction of their lives, their relationships, the use of their creative gifts and the direction of their spiritual goals. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website, www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers don’t stop the battles—even long after their daughters are fully grown. It is psychologically very painful to grow up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother. Being the small child of a narcissistic mother is a horror. I hear from adult daughters who have survived these childhoods of extreme deprivation and cruel unending abuse. The acrimony, cruelty and combativeness of the narcissistic mother continues throughout the adulthood of these women. Elder narcissistic mothers often carry on this malevolent abuse through narcissistic siblings who have colluded with them. If there is money involved, the narcissistic siblings close ranks against the non-narcissistic daughter. They spew malicious projections on to their victimized sibling(s). Sadly, some of these victimized daughters add to their pain by making overtures to the narcissistic mother. They cannot believe that a mother, their mother, doesn’t love them on any level. Some of them live in a state of shock, wondering what they have done to become the object of such cruelty. These daughters have done nothing wrong. They are dealing with a mother who suffers from a severe personality disorder.

If you are the adult daughter of a narcissistic mother, don’t expect her to change. This personality disorder is rigid and fixed. Narcissists believe that they are perfect, superior to others, even their children. Many narcissistic mothers believe that they are good parents. They accuse their daughters of being spoiled and ungrateful. Another tack is to flat out lie and call their own daughter(s) “crazy.” There are narcissistic mothers who spread malicious rumors of mental instability throughout the family and friends about their mentally unstable daughter(s).

For some adult daughters, a time of reckoning and decision comes. The accumulation of too much psychological pain, horrible distress, chronic self-doubt, deep sadness and confusion reaches a crisis point. There are daughters who reach a turning point and finally recognize that there is nothing they can do to change their narcissistic mothers, that they were and are not responsible nor should be blamed for this parent’s delusional thinking and complete lack of empathy. Some of these adult daughters make the decision to sever the “relationship” from their narcissistic mothers. They decide not to have any contact with these individuals.

Many of these daughters do the work of healing themselves. Some of them seek quality psychotherapy. They re-start their lives, recognizing that they are valuable individuals in their own right. They develop a sense of self entitlement. They grow in their renewed strength of their separate identities and the use of their creative gifts. They discover the inner peace they have been yearning for all of their lives. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic daddies often have favorite daughters. They pick a child who is their special narcissistic supply. Often she is beautiful, full of confidence, bright, an attention getter. From the beginning the narcissistic dad gives this child all of his attention—ignoring his other children. Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone genuinely. But in this case the narcissistic daddy’s girl is the ultimate narcissistic supply. She is the living emblem of her father’s perfect image. She is the prize, the golden girl, the one who is going to make her daddy shine. Sometimes there is an erotic tie between these fathers and daughters. Although there is no explicit sexual behavior between the two, one senses that a relationship that is charged with something beyond plain affection. This union continues throughout childhood. Often mother is jealous of this special relationship and feels hurt and left out. This is a pathological triangle. The narcissistic daughter defers to her father, knowing that she can get anything from him with just a flash of a smile, a tilt of the hip, a tiny wink.

Nothing is lost on these narcissistic daddy’s girls. They grow up and a large number of them become full fledged narcissistic women who victimize their spouses. The repetition has gone full circle. We now have a rampaging narcissistic female spouse making her husband’s life hellish. She is demanding, controlling, openly cruel, vindictive, demeaning. She constantly humiliates her husband and when she can’t get what she wants (which is everything) she returns to daddy, makes nice and nicer—and bingo—She’s gets exactly what she wanted and more. This pattern continues all of her life. She leaves many broken hearts and marriage behind her without a pinch of conscience or a backward glance. Protect yourself from narcissistic daddy’s girls. Research and learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultations: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I cannot emphasize enough the horrific life stories that are communicated to me from daughters of narcissistic mothers. It is difficult to imagine that these dreadful non-mothers could be so cruel. Some of them have tortured their daughters for decades. There is a sub-group of narcissistic mothers who are highly sadistic and gain pleasure from causing their daughters extreme mental, emotional and in some instances severe pain and injury. All of this is kept secret within the confines of the family. On the outside these mothers are considered as models that others should follow. They even participate in their daughter’s school activities. Other mothers are never available, except when it is time to humiliate their child in from of the entire family. Often these mothers are married to very weak men who might as well be young children themselves.

It is vital that we begin to recognize the criminality of these acts perpetrated by narcissistic mothers on their daughters. It affects many of them throughout their lives. They have nightmares, can’t sleep, chronic anxiety, depression, somatic complaints, headaches, etc. Some of these daughters are unable to leave this pathological fusion and spend most of their lives tethered to their treacherous narcissistic mothers. Those who finally perceive their mother’s destructiveness, find a way to break free. It can take some time to come to the realization that your mother, the person you were entitled to trust, is a very disturbed and uncaring human being who has completely undermined your life. After severing the non-relationship with mother some of these daughters go through an adjustment period. Many of them grieve for the mother they never had. Others are very angry about all of the years they have missed as a result of their psychological imprisonment. Some benefit from finding an excellent psychotherapist. Healing modalities like gentle hatha yoga, different forms of meditation, being a part of Nature, finding friends that are understanding and kind, are some of the ways that they begin the healing process. When we provide the conditions for healing and feel entitled to live with inner peace and self respect together with the use of all of our gifts, transformation occurs. Life begins once more. As the seasons are renewed, we too can be re-born and thrive. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Whether they are very successful business women or stay at home “mothers” narcissistic women are incapable of mothering. It is tragic that so many of them have had children. I am making this statement as a result of my clinical knowledge of the psychic structure of the narcissist. The narcissistic woman who becomes a “mother” cannot fulfill this role. In some cases these women don’t become mothers and that is very fortunate. Especially at this time—Not every woman must become a mother–especially if this person is not going to be capable of making a secure loving attachment to her child. Lack of attachment, anxious attachment and disturbed attachment will have a profound negative on the child’s psyche.

For the narcissistic woman, giving birth to a child is a great narcissistic supply. If she is a professional, climbing the heights, there area extra bonuses–She does it all! No, that is not the case. If she stays home as the “devoted mother”, then her life revolves around her dear children and the home. Not the case again. Remember, this is a narcissist. Having a child and children raises the narcissistic mother to another level. This creates an indelible image in the minds of others. Her children are so perfect; she is so loving; the family is wonderful. This is all fiction and delusion. The photographs with the smiles and perfect background don’t tell the tale. The real stories come from the women with whom I have communicated who tell me about the horrors of their life histories as daughters of narcissistic mothers. The cruelties, deprivations, insensitivities, dismissive coldness and treacheries are immeasurable. Many of these daughters slowly heal but it is a difficult and long road they travel. These women deserve our respect. They have prevailed over their highly disturbed, malicious, envious narcissistic “mothers.” To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com