Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

The holidays are an emotionally charged time for most people There are so many memories–happy, sad, tragic, nostalgic that lead to powerful feelings. It is so tempting to give in to our many impulses, including renewing our previous romantic relationships. We feel a longing to be back with a person who was very special to us. We idealize this individual in our minds, remembering the great times we had with them. Our vision of the past becomes very rosy and we want to grab our phone or text or email and connect with this individual again.

If this man or woman is a narcissist, this is a very bad idea. First, the narcissist, regardless of the time that has passed, has not changed. These personality disorders are fixed; he or she has not changed. They know how to put on a perfect act and how to draw you in psychologically and romantically. Ultimately, you will be hurt again. Remember what made this man or woman an “ex” in the first place. You discovered that this person has severe problems with extreme self entitlement, complete lack of empathy, total self absorption, deception, chronic lying and manipulation. Refresh your memory before you walk through that door again. This is not easy especially if we are feeling lonely and sad. Be kind to yourself about your feelings. Do not be judgmental about them. But also be clear with yourself about the true nature of your narcissistic ex. You cannot go there again.

You made the separation and break with them out of your own best interests. You have freed you life up to be the evolving, creative, strong individual that you are now. Your intuition is telling you that you have moved too far ahead to regress backwards. Have faith in yourself and give yourself tremendous credit for the progress along the new road toward renewal you are traveling. Have a wonderful holiday. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic mothers are psychologically empty. They have nothing to give. They are consummate takers and spoilers. They sustain themselves by picking away at the lives of others, especially their children. It is tragic that this person is a narcissist and even more horrendous that you are her child. Deep inside, in the the unconscious they hate themselves. Unfortunately their deep self loathing is projected on to their children. They are known to select certain individual children who will get the worst treatment. Often it is due to the narcissistic mother’s pernicious envy. If you are a bright, attractive, lively little child, these predatory mothers are jealous of your individual personality qualities. They cannot compete with you but since they are the adult parent, they will do everything to control you, including unwarranted punishing and imposing fear and dread at every turn. These mothers are constantly demeaning their children, telling them they are stupid, ugly, incapable of doing well in school—and the list of put downs is endless. Narcissistic mothers are queens of projected negativity. They are like vampires—sucking the psychological life out of you. Some children of these mothers sadly, are too frightened to hold on to themselves and become mother’s willing servants. Mother’s brainwashing techniques have worked on these victims. Some of them spend their lives trying to please mother, to get love out of a stone, beg to be accepted by someone who has no empathy or compassion, only psychological darkness. Other children in the same family are able to protect themselves by observing very early that there is something radically wrong with this parent. They have separated enough from this poisonous narcissistic mother to avoid psychological annihilation. They refuse to be brainwashed. They preserve vital parts of themselves that are very much alive and that sustain them as they grow up. They suffer terribly under these conditions of siege but they have kept themselves together. Children who have saved themselves take refuge in the use of the their imaginations, the search for knowledge, their acquaintance with other adults who nurture them—grandparents, aunts, mothers of their friends. These survivors learn how to walk this tightrope; they become good at preserving the unique gifts they have been given and growing to become strong and separate from the non-mothering figure.

As an adult of a narcissistic mother who is still involved in this war, learn everything you can about the true nature of narcissistic personalities. Remember they do not change; they are fixed. You deserve to heal and to remove yourself from this highly negative vortex. You may be the biological son or daughter of a narcissistic mother but first you are a unique individual. Remind yourself of this truth. You are entitled to use all of your many creative gifts and energies, to activate your potential to the maximum and to feel the fullness of life. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Holidays with relatives can be challenging to say the least, especially if they are narcissists. Narcissists don’t change because there is a special occasion. They may put on their elaborate mask for a while but don’t be surprised if they attempt to jab your psychological ribs before the event is over. One of the most important tactics is to never be alone with a narcissistic in-law for a moment. Make sure that a friend or relative whom you trust is with you.Narcissists release their most onerous psychological projections when you are alone with them face to face.

At many events it is possible to greet the narcissist politely and then move on to visit the other guests. Do not let them engage you in conversation. Keeping an ample physical distance from the narcissist is one of the keys to avoiding any interchanges with your narcissistic in-laws. Before you leave for the party remind yourself that you are in charge of your actions, that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration by everyone.
There are family constellations in which narcissistic in-laws are so toxic to other family members, including you. that you might seriously consider not attending the event. I have heard many stories of very ugly scenes that have occurred as a result of vituperative interchanges by narcissistic in-laws and other family members. Narcissists think nothing of disrupting and spoiling a special family event. They are absolutely shameless about their behavior. Some narcissists are concerned enough about their image that they will pull their punches and decide to behave. However, still avoid close contact with them. They have a way of getting spitting out barbs, put downs and sarcastic remarks very quickly that are very wounding. Remember you don’t deserve this kind of abusive treatment by anyone. Remind yourself that this in-law has a severe personality disorder, that he or she is constantly projecting the noxious contents of his or her unconscious on to others. These putrid volleys have nothing to do with you. They are psychological toxins that have nothing to do with you.

Researching the narcissistic personality disorder gives you the power to know exactly who they are. This knowledge gives you power. Healthy self entitlement and self respect should be your continuous companions.
To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Victims of narcissistic abuse–spouses, children, siblings–so often feel that they are not being heard despite all they have suffered over many years. I often read and hear the refrain: “They don’t get it.” They are saying that other people even in their own families do not understand the depth and malevolent cruelties that have been perpetrated on to them. When the narcissistic mother, father, sister, brother, in-law is in a public venue, even in the family home, he is acting like a prince–very well mannered, at your service, butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. This is the external burnished image that the false self narcissist has perfected. Most people believe that this is the real person. It is definitely not. Behind closed doors when others are not watching, the real monstrous aspects of the core of this personality disorder are revealed. They are horrendous–screaming fits that never stop, intimidations and accusations that set your ears rings, humiliations that make you want to hide in a corner and never leave, threats that are believably horrific “I will leave you with nothing; you will end up on the street. I will ruin you professionally and personally. I am just the person who can and will do this to you.” Hearing this and sustaining these bombardments every day is intolerable to the victim.

Never underestimate the psychological, emotional and financial damage a narcissist will do. If you continue to take this abuse, remind yourself that it is wearing you down, that you don’t deserve it, that the image of a “perfect family” doesn’t mean anything next to the truth—-You are being victimized by a seriously disturbed narcissistic personality disorder. Learn to put yourself and your welfare (and that of your children if you have them) first. You can separate and break free from the narcissist. Many benefit from quality psychotherapy. Make sure that you choose someone who is clinically highly qualified and empathic. Find a few friends you can count on. Make your plans in advance and keep them confidential as to how you will sever this non-marriage or non-partnership or non-familial relationship. You can become whole again. The creative, evolving part of you has been waiting a long time for you to say “Yes” to freedom. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

After all of the various “hells” connected with their up-bring, children of narcissistic parent(s) are often very empathic. They have suffered so much under the dominance of a grandiose false self, self absorbed, emotionally unavailable narcissistic parent. Yet—Surprise–They are capable of understanding on a deep emotional level what another human being is suffering. They can put themselves in this individual’s place. I have seen this so many times in emails, by direct contact, in their writings, etc. Many of these children were able to make a clear discernment of the true nature of the narcissistic parent. Some were fortunate to have access to the non-narcissistic mother or father who gave them the love and affection they needed and deserved. However, there are instances in which both parents were narcissists. This is truly remarkable and commendable. These children fought all the way to maintain their individuality, their capacity for compassion, the ability to see through the delusion of the narcissistic parent and the vow that they would not travel the narcissistic road. We take heart and hope in these living examples of kind, empathic, psychologically grounded human beings. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

“In narcissistic personalities the experience of emptiness is most intense and almost constant…” (Otto Kernberg, Md. clinical expert on the narcissistic personality). “The narcissist’s experience of emotional emptiness is beyond sadness. It is a severe and intractable wounding, a pain…savage and deep. The psychological (inner) landscape of the narcissist is bleak.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). This is the narcissist’s unconscious experience of himself. He or she is unaware of this condition. As a result the narcissist is a very restless human being, always surveying his external environment for narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, self indulgence, the company of highly attractive men and women, sexual escapes, the pursuit of material possessions, seeking raw power to control others, manipulation of those whom they experience as competitors.

“The successful narcissist creates an intricate system of positive feedback in the form of friends, associates, partners, spouses—who perpetually fulfill his endless needs.” (From Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life) The narcissist is incapable of having a real relationship with another person. He doesn’t have a relationship with himself. Everything in his life is externalized and the most prized possession of all is the elaborate golden image that he creates and perpetuates all of his life.

Beneath the surface, in the unconscious, molten rage is bubbling. This fury is projected on to to others, especially spouses, children, family members, business associates, etc. The narcissist cannot perceive that this rage is completely inappropriate and harmful to others. He simply spits it out or vomits it forth in a projectile that is highly disturbing and hurtful to its recipients. This is the narcissist’s extreme self loathing in action. The narcissist cannot own any of these unconscious feelings and therefore they are ejected out on to his victims.

When you learn about the dynamics of the narcissistic personality, you have gained knowledge and power. Now you understand what makes them tick, why they react with such venom and why they are constantly searching for narcissistic supplies to fill up the bottomless pit of their psychological emptiness. Learn to detach from the narcissist. Keep your physical distance (if possible since they are very unpleasant to say the least) and maintain your psychological distance. You command respect and the recognition that you are a separate human being. who insists on being treated with dignity and courtesy. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

There is a special kind of covert narcissist who plays the martyr role so convincingly that most people believe he is an individual of extraordinary integrity, even holy. There is always the implication that this person is special because of his extreme self sacrifice for others. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is part of the covert narcissist’s well rehearsed performance and an excellent way of being seen as a very fine human being. I have been in communication with victims of covert narcissists who tell similar stories. Their spouse is looked up to by others as someone who always thinks of others before himself. This is the public persona. He is known for his good deeds through a church or organization that helps those in need. (There are people of truly fine characters who are not narcissists who devote themselves to those who are suffering or need special help or care. I am not speaking about this here.) The martyred covert narcissist makes sure that he/she is seen as indispensable in this role. Members of his group provide him with the narcissistic supply of adulation. I have heard a number of times that these narcissists will abandon their responsibilities to their families in order to perform their “duties” .

Of course when the covert narcissist is unseen by others and inside the privacy of his home—everything changes: his facial expressions, the tone of his voice, his attitude. He is demanding, demeaning, cruel, verbally abusive and is a master at imposing guilt on family members. He accuses them of being selfish and lazy. He doesn’t want anyone to have a good time. Even laughter and levity are forbidden. Wives and children get the brunt of this upside down version of “goodness.” Once this mask is removed the psychological ugliness is fully exposed and activated.

No one believes the spouses and children who live with covert narcissists and how abusive and disturbed they truly are. At home they are accusatory, blaming, have fits of fury and are often menacing if disbeyed. Some spouses decide that they can no longer tolerate this dreadful charade and sever this non-relationship for themselves and their children. This is not easy because the covert martyr narcissist has made a tremendous reputation for himself and many who follow him believe that there is something seriously wrong with a spouse who would leave such a “good person.”

What matters is the truth and the quality of your life. If others don’t believe you, they are deluded. Take the reins in your hands. Truth is powerful. You are entitled to lead a life that is genuine and unobstructed by verbal abuse, toxic projections and false accusations. You deserve inner peace and your continued growth as an individual on every level. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

We all have some lust in our hearts–for gorgeous clothes, sex, delicious food, exquisite jewelry. Many narcissists are obsessed with money lust. They are thinking about how much money they have, how to get more of it, how to keep it away from others, whom to manipulate to get more, including family members to take theirs. Money is their substitution for love, warmth, affection—for being authentic and human. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist’s constant goal. Thoughts about obtain more money never leave this person’s mind. Having lots of money makes them feel more entitled, superior to others, like a winner. Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on others who have not “made it.” It isn’t knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight they are seeking. It is knowing that they have achieved their greatest goal—being able to have whatever they desire and to attract other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money lust. One of the common scenarios is for one of the siblings, male or female, to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth, to become the confidante, the favored trusted one. This is done over many years and is well plotted. Slowly and surely this siblings becomes the executor of the parent’s sizable will, convinces the mother or father to bestow upon them the largest amount of the inheritance (leaving the other siblings with a minuscule portion of the total). While we’re on the topic of inheritance, this part of losing a loved one can be a lot to deal with. Many families face challenges when it comes to this, which is why it comes as no surprise that some get in touch with professionals such as Albertson Davidson, LLP to help get this sorted.

The narcissistic money luster puts tremendous pressure on his parent if that is necessary to seal the deal for himself. He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent to be gone so that he can carry away the entire estate and leave the scene to lead a life of pleasure and comfort. These greedy narcissistic siblings often abandon their own children and of course their spouses to move on to a life of luxury. They never look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have left behind. They don’t worry about others. They have gotten what they have wanted all of their lives. After they are making use of the inheritance, they still feel the money lust deep inside their bones and pursue other unethical and often illegal ventures to trick others into forming romantic relationships that will lead to their psychological and monetary control of another victim. The will to have more never diminishes. The narcissist will never stop victimizing others, disrupting their lives, leaving them without monetary means, causing them unbearable distress and worry.

Learning about the narcissistic personality provides you with the insight to recognize these money vultures quickly. You will sense their vileness, like a noxious odor in the air. You will know what they are after—your financial resources, your social connections to people of means. They cannot play on your vulnerabilities because you know who they are at their rotten core. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

You are asked by your spouse to help with the taxes. The entire job has been placed on your shoulders and your narcissistic husband does none of the tedious work. Day and night he hounds you to get it done so that the work can be mailed out in time. He looks over your shoulder and makes critical remarks. You are nervous but do your very best. When you have finished, he reviews the tax return with a microscope. He starts screaming; he has found a mistake. Actually there is no error—he was not looking at your notation correctly. He goes into a tirade even though you are correct and he is wrong. This happens all of the time with narcissistic spouses and narcissists in general. They are always right especially when they are very wrong.

They turn up the volume and assume that will intimidate you, that the truth will be reversed in their favor. Living with one of these characters is extremely stressful. I have know spouses who literally threw up after some of these ugly scenes which are repeated throughout the marriage. Narcissistic spouses are bullies. They are marauding thugs who take your peace away, crowd your thoughts so that you become confused, wipe out your adrenal glands, put your nervous system on crisis mood. There are many spouses who will never leave this prison of horrors. There are a growing number who now recognize the specific traits of the narcissistic personality disorder, know that this individual is never going to change and make the decision to sever the marriage and move forward with their lives. In doing this they rescue their children psychologically from living each day with a parent who can’t love them, who is completely self absorbed, selfish and cruel.

Take time to research the narcissist in all of his/her facets—their tricks, plots, schemes, vulnerabilities, treacheries. You will be able to spot them quickly and save yourself a lot of pain. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

You will know this right off the top. Do not choose a narcissistic attorney to represent you. Scrutinize several candidates even if you have a good referral. There is self confidence and then you have grandiosity and extreme self entitlement. And of course lack of empathy. You want to be sure that the person whom you hire will have your welfare at the uppermost in his/her mind at all times. Do some research and insure that the attorney’s fees are fair.

Make sure that your attorney has a picture of the true nature of the narcissistic personality—his slick manipulations,intimidations,cruel plots and ruses, chronic obsessive lying, his convincing public image. Never underestimate how outrageous the narcissist can be and get away with it. He has been doing this all of his life.

Take yourself in hands. Reinforce your strength and solidity as a separate person who deserves respect and to be heard. Don’t be swayed by the negativity of others or those who try to scare you about your chances of being victorious. You are holding the truth in your mind and heart. Now you will give voice and testimony to this in the courtroom.

Going back to your attorney. Make sure your lawyer has a fine character. At the same time he/she must be unshakable—tough as nails. I have seen too many victims of narcissists being represented by ill prepared attorneys who were not completely committed to their clients.

Call on your support group. You only need one person who will stand by you all the way. If you are doing this alone,affirm to yourself that you will prevail ;you deserve the best outcome. After it is all over, congratulate yourself. You have faced down the villain in the piece and you have won. I call these individuals villainous because they destroy so many lives and get away with it. This time you are the victor. Congratulations! To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone consultation :united states and international
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:thenarcissistinyourlife.com