Author: Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD

Some families have generations of narcissists who seem to pop up everywhere. There is no narcissistic gene but it is amazing to discover how they proliferate in some families. Those of you who have been emotionally and psychologically abused by narcissists in your family understand all to well.

You think of a grandmother as a loving, open and helpful person. Someone who extends herself to take care of your children–a person of great integrity–someone who can always be counted on. Enter the narcissistic grandmother and watch out. Narcissistic grannies are on a power trip that won’t stop. They may be deep into their seventies or eighties or even older but that doesn’t stop their malevolent deeds. Besides they have an advantage–they can play the super senior call. “Why would anyone pick on me. I’ve given my life to this family and what do I get, a lot of damn abuse–ungrateful children and grandchildren.” This is grandma’s skillfully honed act. (Most grandmothers are terrific. Many of them are raising their children’s kids. They are kind, highly competent, strong and have great wisdom. Many of them have important careers and many accomplishments). I am talking about the highly pathological narcissistic grandmother who runs everyone into the ground, except her pet people who are her followers and servants.

Many of these grandmothers are holding the purse strings–they control the family assets that have been accumulated. So family members feel beholden to them to get their share of the monies and properties during Grannie’s life and afterward. Children and grandchildren are treated like servants in Her Presence. Everyone is expected to be highly differential to this woman of stone or else you will be cut out of the will or lose face in the family and be exiled forever. NGs set one generations against another, brother against brother, sister against sister by telling cascades of lies constantly. She is the puppet master–a sinister trickster–playing games with the emotional and psychological well being the members of her family. Many members are in for the long haul despite all of the abuse they must take. How can they be sure that this unempathic cruel woman will ever do anything for them. After all, she plays favorites all of the time. These grannies love play “unpredictable” and causing apprehension and fear. They glory in watching everyone jump when she opens her mouth.

You have a choice with a narcissistic grannie. You can sever the relationship or let your life be eclipsed or even ruined by this prevaricating ruthless sadistic human being. You might say:”She will mellow; she is getting older.” Oh, contrarie! As narcissistic grannies advance in age they tighten up their hands and absolutely will not help or give. They must have everything for themselves and their favored children and grandchildren. For them a relationship is about money and property not feelings, love, loyalty, kindness, devotion. These words are not part of their vocabulary.

You have a decision to make. You can stay part of this ugly play written by NG or you can sever the relationship with this malicious narcissist. Leaving these family arrangements even the worst of them is difficult but not impossible. A time will come when you realize that you cannot let someone –a cold narcissist to trample on your life or your children’s or spouse. The game is over for you. You know that you have great individual worth inside yourself. You are genuine and have integrity. You will make the break despite what the rest of the family thinks of you. What matter is how you measure yourself, your growth, creativity and the genuine relationship you have with your close family. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many children of narcissists have played the scapegoat role in order to survive childhood. This is chronically hurtful, painful and demeaning to a child. When other siblings are representing a narcissistic supply to the parent, these kids are shoved in a corner, told they are worthless, even that they were never wanted and should have been an abortion—Yes I have heard this more than once—It is despicable.

Surprisingly, many of these children find their way. They survive by keeping out of target range. Some of them spend large amounts of time with the families of friends. Others engage in solitary activities—spending time in the library, fantasy games, spending healing time with Nature, creating imaginary friends, drawing, painting, computers, writing, etc. They have creative gifts and are using them. They still take the blows of their dreadful “parents” and the budding narcissistic brothers and sisters who torture them with cruel words and threats. If this child is fortunate he has a brother or sister who protects him by communicating that he loves this person and will always be there for him.

One of the greatest days is the one when you decide you are a victim of your narcissistic parent no more. You will take no more abuse no matter what the consequences. Some young adults leave their home, go it alone and find their way. It is very difficult and frightening to be by oneself without resources but they are scrappers who are determined to make it on their own. As they grow into adulthood they recognize that they were placed into the middle of a psychological cesspool. They have left the toxic stew of the narcissistic family. We congratulate them. They have left a dreadful prison. Those set free spend time healing themselves psychologically. Many find help from excellent therapists. (A piece of advice–Be very discerning about the therapist you choose—Some psychotherapists are narcissists and will project their unconscious feelings and thoughts on to you. It’s worth taking the time to find a great therapist). Standing at the top of the hill, you have won the battle. You are strong despite the scars of your wounds. Feeling those old scars is empowering. Don’t expect other people to understand where you are coming from unless they have been through life and death battles of their own. Most individuals are in deep delusion and only want to hear “happy talk”, phony superficial chatter. You are on a road less traveled. Celebrate!!! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

Intuition is an instantaneous knowing of the truth. It is faster than rational thought. You cannot study or analyze the truth that comes forth from intuition. To get in touch with your intuition it is essential that you are in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system that part of us that represents the calming healing part of ourselves. this is both scientific and mystical. Everyone can learn to tune in to his intuition if you become receptive to this great gift.
Deep breathing through the nostrils that is done through yoga asanas is one of the ways to get in touch with your parasympathetic nervous system. Gentle yoga poses using nostril breathing calms the nervous system and puts us in a state of restoration. The more often we are consistently in this state the stronger our capacity to heal. Powers of intuition are enhanced by calming the body and the mind.

The narcissist overwhelms everyone in his environment. He is the powerful one, the ruler and controller of everyone’s life. When you grow up with or are married to a narcissist, your life does not belong to you. the narcissist has chosen acolytes. It is not unusual for narcissistic parents to pick one or two children whom they mold into perfect replicas of themselves. These individuals are conditioned to becoming false grandiose selves that develop into narcissistic personalities.

Those who are married to narcissists often wake up and realize that they are being abused, that their lives are narrowing, their options diminishing, their gifts are faded memories, their energies are sapped. They have reached a turning point. They start studying the narcissistic personality everywhere they can get this material. They open their eyes and recognized sometimes for the first time that their parents are narcissists and that they are married to a narcissist or that they have narcissistic siblings or an entire narcissistic family. They are at a decision point pivotal to the rest of their lives. They now know they can no longer live as a prisoner of the narcissist. They move step by step toward detaching themselves psychologically from this toxic individual. Some find help with skilled psychotherapists who understand the true nature of the narcissist and can form a strong therapeutic alliance that will provide them with support and insight. Developing your deep intuition is part of the freedom process. Use the techniques that work for you to become more and more receptive to your intuition. It is waiting for you to ask for assistance. The more often you use this great gift the more powerful and natural to you it becomes. Intuition is very real and can be highly developed with consistent work. It is part of your pathway to freedom and protection from the narcissist in your life and opens the doors to healing and the reclaiming of your real self. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and Intenrational
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Whether it’s within a family or a work environment—one narcissist can disrupt and destroy many lives. I have seen this happen too many times. Most people can’t believe that a human being could be that venal, cunning, toxic and white hot destructive–all inside of one person. Many look at you in disbelief when you tell your story of being pulled down emotionally, psychologically and physically by your personal relationship with a narcissist. When these individuals are particularly poisonous and easily cross legal and ethical boundaries they enter the heart of darkness called sociopathy.

It is chilling to watch a narcissistic sociopath rip people’s lives apart.and get away with it. This doesn’t happen once or twice. It is a way of life for these people. I have never seen them pay for perniciously predatory behavior. In fact some of those who are magnetic sociopaths have devoted followers who want to be just like them. They are enshrined and venerated due to their material success and the level of power they wield in the world—their social and business connections. Everything is fixed for them. They can get anything they want done by making a phone call or sending a text. Some come to their defense and say: “Oh they must be suffering!” Really!!!! That is not possible without conscience, empathy or human decency. They cause hurt and pain to those around them, especially if individuals targeted are highly sensitive and vulnerable individuals. Spouses and children of these narcissistic sociopaths are devastated by their control, cruelty and sadism.

There are individuals who wake up and recognize that they have been horribly victimized, that they must rescue themselves from this ongoing hell. Fortunately, many of them do research on the narcissistic personality and sociopathy and come to terms with their singular value as a human being. You sever your “relationship” and begin the road to healing. It is extraordinary how these survivors re-discover their lives, creativity, mental stamina and independence.

Growing up in a narcissistic family is one of the toughest life pathways. When we are very young we don’t know exactly what is wrong. We feel insecure and unhappy and frightened much of the time. Some children in these families feel isolated surrounded by their narcissistic families. These are families in name only. Narcissists are incapable of genuine relationships. Children are used as narcissistic supplies that provide a powerful enchanted image for the narcissistic parents. If the children are attractive, bright, have talents, these can all be used as a source of powerful narcissistic supply for the parents. Many narcissistic parents no no effort to raise their children. They can’t be bothered. They are too busy with their careers, social lives, traveling, having parties and keeping their physical image at a high state of perfection. Looking great takes a lot of time, especially if we insist on being impeccable and that is what many narcissists focus on–how beautiful, flawless, elegant they appear. Narcissists do absolutely no work on their inner selves. They have no conscious access to their person. They are incapable of having an internal life. They will never know themselves. Rather they spend tremendous energy impressing people about how superior and wonderful they are.

Children who survive the narcissistic family are to be commended. They have achieved a harrowing journey and come through as real individuals. What a feat!. After you extricate yourself from this toxic family allow yourself time to heal. Some adult children participate in high quality psychotherapy which helps them to re-orient themselves and recognize what they have been through and who their family really is—highly narcissistic and toxic. They do the work of healing and begin to individuate from these pathological people who are parents and siblings in name only. Be patient with your healing. Many find that forms of meditations, gentle yoga, tai chi, your choice of exercise as well as creative pursuits and finding great friends is all part of the healing process that brings you into your own. Now you are free to define yourself, to recognize that you are a loving human beings capable of empathy and capable of emotional intimacy. You find friends and a support system who help to support you. You are evolving toward becoming your real self. Celebrate your great achievement. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation:United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No one can make us feel one way or the other. It is up to us to know who we are—positive and negative. This is how we evolve as individuals. When you are married to a narcissist, your life is taken over by a powerful, controlling negative personality. The spouse may be very upbeat, friendly and charming at times. He or she make plans. They tell you how much they love and care about you. These are the “good times” with the narcissist and usually occur in the beginning of the relationship. The narcissist’s mood can change in a flash. He or she can flip and become Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde at any moment. These quick changes are due to what is happening inside of the narcissist’s psyche. The narcissist doesn’t understand himself at all. He has massive defense mechanisms that he uses to unconsciously project his self hatred on to those closest to him–wives and children, and in some instances co-workers. Deep inside the narcissist is psychologically empty. He must constantly go out into the external environment to seek praise and adulation to feel more grandiose and superior.

Most often if you are married to a narcissist you are psychologically embattled most of the time. This person is continually telling you that you are defective, stupid, incompetent and their favorite word, crazy. Even when you know one hundred percent that you are not crazy, this kind of accusation can be very frightening. Actually the narcissist is telling us a lot about the chaos in his own mind.

If you were psychologically abused as a child or had narcissistic parents (which always means a form of abuse) you are likely to internalize these cruel comments and feel badly about yourself. Studying the narcissistic personality disorder is the beginning of your freedom and feeling differently about yourself. You will make the psychological separation from his/her psychopathology and yourself. You are not perfect–no one is–but you do not deserve to be the object of the narcissist’s primitive projections. They do not belong to you. They are all about the narcissist. You will begin to unravel this puzzle and release yourself from the pain you have endured so long. I know you can do it. You deserve to live in freedom, inner peace and to use all of your unique gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Today we are surrounded by narcissists–in the media, entertainment, among our neighbors, acquaintances, in medicine, in psychiatry and psychology, in “spirituality”, the culture of many corporations. In the years since Christopher Lasch wrote his brilliant prescient work The Culture of Narcissism (1978) we are experiencing his predictions. We have arrived—-in the Narcissistic Culture. Long ago Lasch knew what would happen to many “relationships” –“Personal relations founded on reflected glory, on the need to admire and be admired, prove fleeting and insubstantial.” The narcissist demands that you are a mirror of his or her perfection. Many people follow the narcissist’s lead because he is holding the power, the force of personality, the delusion that you can become as overly confident, self entitled, as deceptive and exploitive as this person. We discover today that so much of career climbing to the top is based on being ruthless and amoral. This is becoming more the rule than the exception. “Work hard and play by the rules”—Really??? That doesn’t fit with the narcissistic style. In so many corporate venues it is those who are very attractive physically if not drop dead gorgeous–male and female, combined with blind ambition and a willingness to let others falter and fall by the wayside, who reach the highest positions within a corporate structure. These individuals operate without conscience. If someone doesn’t fit into their singular plan of victory, the narcissist will do everything possible to kick this person out of the way, even if this causes horrible distress and financial instability to them—They say to themselves: “You are weak and worthless; get out of my way. I have no obstacles, boundaries or limits. Get between me and my goal and I will annihilate you.” There are still extraordinary corporations and the people in all levels who work for them who have outstanding characters and who still work very hard and maintain the highest level of conscience and concern for the welfare of others.

On a personal level narcissists within the family–spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings–are making the lives of family members miserable, unbearable and bleak. I hear many life stories of those who were trapped in a narcissistic family and who had to survive by going along with the perfect mirroring , criticisms, intimidations and complete injustice of their situations. They have suffered greatly. I don’t think that most people understand, unless they have experienced the malicious face of a mother or father narcissist, know what this does to a child every single day. Know that these cruelties exist and that they are malevolent and in some cases, evil. That is not too strong of a word to describe the psychological damage sustained by many children raised by a narcissistic parent or a narcissistically abused spouse or sibling. These victims are telling the exact truth. Believe them.

Human nature is both sublime and very dark. Narcissists dwell within the prisons of their own psychopathology and that is a tragedy. But the damage that they do to others is incalculable. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand who this person is. Forget the external image–it is fleeting and meaningless. This is the world’s superficial appraisal. It is part of the delusion that has become even more prevalent than at any other time in recent western history. Facade has now become reality–That’s what we are being told constantly.

Pay attention to what is deep inside of you–your intuitions and insights that come quickly with the truth. When you call upon these gifts, you cannot be compromised or vanquished. You are riding with the truth throughout your life, gaining strength, psychological stamina, spiritual steadiness and laser focus. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic abuse is often generational. It is not genetic. Studies have not shown that there is a genetic marker for this severe personality disorder. However, with many individuals there is a destructive cycle of repetition that occurs. From narcissistic mother to narcissistic husband–from narcissistic parents to narcissistic wife–from narcissistic siblings to narcissistic spouse. There are many other combinations and permutations of these painful psychological patterns.

Having a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficulty psychological legacy you can have. You grew up without a parent who was capable of love, who blamed you for everything that went wrong (according to them) who undermined your taking initiative for yourself, who dismissed your feelings, even made fun of them and told you that you were weak and even crazy. You had a brother or sister who was venerated and adored because he or she was being groomed to be the family star–the chosen one–a young lord or lady of the manor. You were not even second best. In some cases when the narcissistic rage went out of control you were a punching bag–in some instances, literally.

After leaving this house of desolation you found someone you loved. You were swept up by the charm, the energy, the attention you were getting from this special man. It was like a fantasy that had come true. He was too good to be true but you were going for it. Sometimes early–for others late–into the marriage you recognized that you were married to a narcissistic personality. After years of suffering under his bubbling rage, outrageous demands and threats, lies and multiple cruelties, you divorce the guy. He doesn’t make it easy but you walk away to re-establish your life. Some of those who leave the narcissist benefit from excellent psychotherapy. If you decide to take this route be sure to do all of your homework. There are a some narcissistic psychotherapists who are out there for the money, even individuals who collect retainers in advance. Working with a strong therapeutic alliance with a gifted therapist can help you through the transition to becoming a person on your own again. Even if you have had a solid career throughout the marriage, there are adjustments to be made in your new role of running your own life completely without the narcissistic baggage. Give yourself credit for stopping the cycle of narcissistic abuse you have endured all of your life starting with the narcissistic parent. When past memories come to the surface especially those from childhood , be kind to yourself and recognize there and then that you are not to blame for having a narcissistic parent and that you were ripe to marry a narcissist. Let go of this past—do not let it hinder you.

Energize yourself in the new life you have chosen. No one can ever tell you how to lead your life again. You have won. Now use all of your creative gifts to the max and beyond. You will find friends and a support group of those who are not living in delusion like the narcissists. When you meet a narcissist you will recognize him/her immediately. Keep your distance—you know what they are all about–Using you to get what they want. Your life is different now. Some of those who prevail send out the message to others that they too can be free without excuses or guilt. Rev up your intellectual and creative engines–Your life has just begun. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

“The narcissist has an incredible sense of self-entitlement. Everything is about him and belongs to him. He smoothly oversteps the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating them to bend them to his will and his desires.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). The narcissistic ego is so vast it cannot be measured. The narcissist must always keep his/her ego inflated at all times. He is always collecting narcissistic supplies in the form of adulation, praise even adoration from others. The narcissist feels completely entitled to disrupt and in some cases destroy the lives of others so that his needs and desires are met. Along with the extreme self entitlement is an unrelenting ruthlessness. If you are between a narcissist and his goal, even if you are his spouse or child—be prepared for this person to overrun you to get to where he deserves to be. The narcissist looks down on everyone and exploits people all of his life. For many narcissists life is all about money and power. Getting more and giving less is his motto. With his children, the narcissist is a dreadful parent. He or she may choose one standout child that is attractive, gifted and extroverted to become his clone. This is the prized one; the other children are treated like unpaid help. They don’t exist except to serve the narcissist.

The narcissist thinks nothing about a real marriage. He doesn’t have a marriage; it is a business deal. What’s in it for me? Many narcissists, male and female, purposely marry someone who is on their way up professionally or who comes from a family of wealth or who are (in the case of narcissistic women) decades older than they are and can be used to extract money and a great lifestyle out of their partner. Meanwhile they lead a secret life or several secret lives. This is thrilling to the narcissist who is living on the edge of great excitement. He or she is wanted by so many–This is proof of their perfection and greatness.

If you have a narcissistic spouse and recognize these personality characteristics along with a complete lack of empathy, exploitation, humiliations, ruthlessness, cruel controlling behaviors toward you, there are several directions you can take. Some spouses stay in the “relationship” because they feel secure in the material lifestyle and are afraid to be on their own. Others choose to sever the marriage and get a divorce and re-start their lives. Many have done this and report that after the difficulty of their divorce, they have made consistent steps toward turning their lives around. They are growing their creative gifts, making their decisions freely, determining their future. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Those who haven’t had narcissistic mothers cannot completely understand just how dreadful they are. Each narcissistic mother is ghastly in her own special way. Some are covert and pretend to be good, even holy. They walk around with golden coronas circling their heads. The family members are often impressed with their piety and spiritual devotion. Then there are the flamboyant, grandiose types who are socially very skillful and charming. They are often the center of attention. They magnetize many people to them who believe that they are superior. Above all, despite the outward persona the narcissistic mother always has certain attributes. She lacks genuine empathy and is incapable of feeling and understanding or caring deeply about another person’s feelings, including her own children. What great performances these women play. In private they are holy terrors who cause fear, anxiety, panic and immobilize their children. The exception is the child chosen by the narcissistic mother as the perfect reflection of herself. This son or daughter (in some cases more than one child is picked) gets free reign of the house, never learns how to treat others with respect, has a superior attitude toward himself and overrides the psychological boundaries of other family members. The children who are not chosen are under the heel of the rampaging narcissistic mother. She is hell to live with. Often these women emasculate their husbands and dominate them completely so that they have no say about their own children.

Adult children often report that they suffered from anxiety,tension even pains in the pit of their stomachs when in the presence of narcissistic mom. You never knew when she would threaten you with punishment or take a swipe at you. Narcissistic mothers are tyrannical and get away with it. In the world they are often considered to be wonderful human beings who are considerate and caring and very charming. This is their great acting job at work. So many people are fooled by them. When you tell someone the truth about a narcissistic mother, they will look at you quizzically as if you are being cruel or simply have something wrong with your thinking processes.

If you are the adult child of a narcissistic mother it is past time for you to get rid of the metaphorical or real pain in the pit of your stomach. To lead your own life, it is often necessary to sever the “relationship” because it has become impossible and abusive. Some victims find that excellent psychotherapy helps them to heal. Be careful in picking a therapist. Make sure they understand this personality disorder very well and be sure that they are not narcissistic personalities themselves.

Celebrate your individuality, learn to quiet your mind through gentle yoga practice, meditation–sitting and walking, opening up to your special creativity, finding friends who care deeply about you and are capable of empathy. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com