In the midst of listening to a narcissistic spouse screaming in your ear during one of his many tantrums, you wonder if you can take it anymore. You have been worn down by the daily verbal attacks, put downs and criticisms of your partner. At first many spouses believe that they can change their narcissistic partners. They make helpful suggestions, research how to create a happy, healthy marriage. Above all they give so much of themselves to solving the marital issues with the narcissist. Many non-narcissistic spouses go to couples therapy. The narcissist if he/she attends is inclined to sabotage the entire process. In some cases the narcissist convinces the therapist that his marital partner is unstable and flips this professional to his side. This is a nightmare. I do not recommend couples therapy with a narcissistic spouse. In many instances if there are financial assets involved the narcissist want to continue the relationship formally so that he can maintain his lifestyle and and not give the spouse her due. Narcissistic spouses use clever accountants to hide their monetary worth so that if a divorce eventually occurs there is nothing left for the non-narcissistic spouse. I hear these painful life stories frequently. They are exceedingly cruel.In the meantime the narcissist has found someone else to impress and draw into his web. This person will become another victim.
When you recognize that you are married to a narcissist through your research, by means of good psychotherapy and your fine intuition, it is time to take action. You cannot reveal to your partner that he is a narcissist. It is highly inflammatory (even if it if the truth). The narcissist will throw this in your face and call you histrionic and unstable.
As you research the narcissistic personality disorder, you will recognize the person to whom you are married.
Do not be judgmental with yourself. You could not have known that this person was a narcissist. They conceal their pathology so skillfully and the narcissistic society gives them every opportunity to activate their grandiosity, self entitlement, ruthlessness and chronic lying.
You win against the narcissist by identifying and standing by your solid, strong self. You hold the truth-the narcissist lives in delusion not attached to reality. Your genuineness is a powerful part of your personality that keeps you grounded. You care about understanding yourself and are empathic with others. These are great strengths that you hold to while severing yourself from the relationship with the narcissist and for the rest of your life. When you are free of this burden you will expand your creativity, deepen your sense of peace and expand your consciousness. You are deeply in touch with yourself—that wonderful human being you were always meant to be. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]
Everyone acts like the answer is easy. Leave. No contact. Etc. but, what if you love the PERSON. What if this person actually has got many, many good qualities? What if they try, even though they don’t understand themselves and what is going on in them, what if they recognize that their behavior is wrong and try to be better people? What if they are doing, literally, a huge amount of good for many people and their belief that they can make sweeping changes is fueled by their narcissism, which you help support? What if those sweeping changes are real, and not just in their head, but in the national news? What if they have a strong sense of justice, of equality, of fairness? What if you have seen underneath the narcissistic wound and what you see is a beautiful person whose wound you wish you could heal? What if he carries all the faults of the narcissist and puts you through the devaluation/idealization process repeatedly, has narcissitic rages and depression. What if he wreaks havoc on your soul, but you take good care of yourself with a good psychologist and can withstand it? What if you recognize that his narcissism gets worse when his stress is enormous, but that it’s not so bad the rest of the time? What if you know he’s using up so much of yourself and your creativity, but that the good he is doing then actually becomes the good YOU are doing as well because you are partnering with him in ways deeper than anyone else can know?
I don’t want to leave my marriage. I believe in what my husband is doing and what he can accomplish with me. I know he would be a hollow shell without me. I know he won’t change. I know he will never apologize. I know all of these things. But instead of leaving, I want to be stronger? I want to be able to hold on to my self and create a separate life, one that I know he will not be interested in. I am tired of reading the websites that assume narcissistic people are evil and will deliberately destroy you, flee!! You are more moderate, but your advice is still to leave. I would prefer to find someone who can help me to be stronger. To be able to recognize the steps leading up to a rage. To be able to see when exhaustion is debilitating him and how to help. What are the warning signs of devaluation starting? How to match rage for rage? How to use their fear of losing their source of supply to keep them from attacking you. I feel like I am playing an intense game of chess. The more I understand my opponent, the better my chances of the game at least ending in checkmate. I am a very strong woman. What I need is guidance in how to live successfully with a narcissist, not how to leave him.
I believe they all say leave because in the end, u will have found that go be much easier than staying and fighting. Who wants to fight to be in a relationship? Strength is not having the staying power to overcome a personality disorder. U cannot CHANGE a person and u shouldn’t want to WAIT on that change u so desperately hope for. In a perfect world, yes, people would “get it” & they would be the person we want them to be. In reality, ur only hurting yourself.
U cannot predict when they will lash out at u. U cannot foresee the downfall. While ur busy trying to be the right woman for him & trying to stay his source of supply, he has changed the rules and decided u weren’t enough anymore. He is picking fights and shifting blame and lying to u. I Dont know your husband, but surely u can understand how trying to HELP him is NOT helping you! You may be “up for the challenge”, but unless he makes a decision to change on his own, I really think you’re better off continuing your quest for answers by NOT continuing your quest for answers. Everything Ive ever read and experienced about this illness says the same thing.
If u choose to stay, then why do u need advice? No disrespect intended, but it looks like u already have all the answers….