Narcissistic Personality - The Narcissist In Your Life

Narcissists Have Sadistic Relationships

Being sadistic is deriving pleasure from cruelty. It is difficult for many people to understand how this is possible.
There are narcissistic personalities who not only must always win, weaken the most vulnerable, cause psychological and emotional pain in order to win and vanquish another human being. Then there is that treacherous narcissist who is sadistic and gets pleasure from inflicting emotional and psychological pain, especially upon those close to him/her: spouses, children, siblings, in-laws. Narcissists often choose spouses who are psychologically compliant, dependent, fragile and frightened to live an independent life. They are swept up in the narcissist’s elaborate persona, grandiose visions and the dream of sharing their lives with an individual who is highly successful, confident to the max, has smooth social skills and tells them they are the most important person to them on the face of the earth. Early into many marriages to narcissists, the mask begins to slip and the non-narcissistic partner is subjected to his/her partner’s volcanic rage, outrageous demands, demeaning humiliations. The non-narcissistic partner believes that it is her/his fault that the narcissistic partner has suddenly changed. They don’t that the first personality was a well rehearsed seamless act. As the relationship goes further down this dark road, the narcissist not only causes psychological and emotional harm (and in some cases physical injury) to his partner, but experiences pleasure and enjoyment in watching this person suffer horribly. These sadistic behaviors become chronic and threaten the psychological health of the partner. Some non-narcissistic spouses remain victims of these treacheries for the rest of their lives. They pay a very high price to remain at the side of the narcissist. Narcissists understand cruelty. For many, it is their middle name. This is the way they control others by beating them down, keeping them on edge, threatening to leave them without any financial resources and where there are children involved, promising that they will remove them from the household, wrenching them away from the injured spouse.

With narcissistic siblings there is a great deal of pain. From childhood through adulthood, these individuals continue to perpetrate acts of cruelty upon their brothers and sisters. They must always win regardless of the harm they cause to members of their own family. Being in the presence of a narcissistic sibling is painful if not intolerable.

There are adult narcissistic parents who continue to perpetrate sadistic acts upon their children, especially those who are highly sensitive and vulnerable.

Once you recognize that you are in a familial relationship or marriage with a sadistic narcissist, it is your decision whether to continue to meet and communicate with this person, limit your association or sever it completely. Know that the narcissist is never going to change—this is a fixed pathological disorder that is highly fixed. Learn to protect yourself from these sadistic relationships. First learn to recognize these individuals quickly by studying the narcissistic personality disorder in depth. Severing your relationship from the narcissist is the best course in most cases. Those who take this step are free to lead their own lives and become fully separated and individuated with the use of their creative gifts, talents and the inner peace that they deserve. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Free from Your Narcissistic Mother-True to Yourself

Good mothers allow their children to be themselves—to be authentic and real. They are not threatened by a child who does not agree with the parent’s every thought and opinion. Narcissistic mothers vary in their styles—not in their natures and basic characters. They are solely obsessed with their perfect image, getting all of their needs and desires met, being the center of attention and controlling others. These traits are the opposite of being a good mother. When you are the small child of a narcissistic mother, you have to go along with the demands placed on you in order to survive. Despite a child’s age, he or she is often able to detect that there is something fundamentally wrong with mother. She is demanding, cold, distant, manipulative and unwilling to allow her children to be genuine and free to express their true selves. Small children in these situations are virtual prisoners in their own homes.

As children of narcissistic mothers grow and become aware that they are being treated with cruelty and dismissiveness, recognize that this environment is psychologically unhealthy. They find outlets of study, good friends whom they can trust and spend time away from the home which has become a lock down prison.

As adults some daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers repeat the patterns of childhood by marrying narcissistic spouses. This is most unfortunate but does occur quite often. Those who have been able to preserve enough mental, emotional and psychological independence are capable of thinking for themselves. They clearly recognize that they can no longer blame themselves for being the child of a narcissistic mother. These children follow their powers of observation, the pain of their maternal experiences and the need to know the truth about themselves and their disturbed parent. Many of them come to the conclusion that there is nothing they can do to change the narcissistic mother. This is clinically the case.

Some children have sufficient psychological and emotional stamina and will to separate and distance themselves from the narcissistic mother. They find other adults who are protective of them and respect and honor their authenticity. These are often adult family members who protect the child from the corrosive effects of narcissism. Many children grow up and finally recognize that they were never allowed to be their true selves, that they were manipulated and treated cruelly as a result of their psychologically disturbed parent and that this is not their doing or their fault. Some seek quality psychotherapy and heal the narcissistic mother wound. They now stand on the strength and grounding of their authenticity. They have come full circle—free from the obstructive oppression of the narcissistic mother and now true to themselves. This is a great victory that deserves our respect and understanding. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Men are Fickle and Duplicitous with Women

High level narcissists are expert jugglers of the women in their lives. Like the great acrobats at the cirque d’ soleil they are capable of juggling from one relationship to another without creating a stir or a suspicion. Many of them are married several times. That doesn’t satisfy them. They have girlfriends on the side and one night stands for the thrill, brief affairs. It’s a wonder they can remember the names of the women they entertain and bed. The pursuit of the woman or women who give them a sexual rush is the thrill that they are seeking. They are entranced for a while, then move on. In some cases a special woman will come into their lives whom the narcissist views as a source of ultimate narcissistic supply. She is wealthy, has high level business and social connections, very attractive if not downright gorgeous and has come to adore the narcissist. This is a winning combination for him. It often propel him into a second, third or fourth marriage especially if this beauty is a lot younger than he. The stage is perfectly set to create another family that will create an image of the narcissist as vital, virile and youthful. Many of these men have children from previous marriages that are older than the current new wife. Narcissists are shameless. They luxuriate in the pleasures of younger flesh and a new adoring woman who will worship at their throne. The children produced are a great source of narcissistic supply, providing the narcissist with a deluded sense that he will live forever.

Today’s society reinforces these behaviors if the narcissist is a prominent figure. The media is thrilled to photograph the new chosen woman. Media is all about image as is the narcissist. They are happy partners with one another.

Protect yourself from becoming charmed by the narcissist to the point that you are enthralled enough to give your life to him. It is worth studying this pathological personality disorder in detail. These insensitive, infantile, fickle character disorders are growing within a current society that has become more shallow, materialistic, self absorbed and unempathic. You deserve so much better–a man who is genuine, has insight and compassion and is capable of real love and devotion. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Stepmothers-Ultimate Nightmare for their Step Children

There are tales of wicked stepmothers going back hundreds of years. Ancient fairy tales tell the truth of their nature. There are step mothers who are wonderful parents to their step children. I am talking about those who are narcissists.

Narcissistic step mothers cause emotional chaos and psychological distress within the family. When they have children with their new spouse, they often cut off the original family, the children of their spouse’s first family. Narcissistic step mothers are cunning and clever, appearing to be considerate and cooperative with the new family constellation. But they have the upper hand over their spouse. The narcissistic wife slows turns turns very ugly. She has hatched a plan to rule over all of the children and to ultimately control her husband. She caters to this man to making sure that she is indispensable to him, that he cannot make decisions without her. Eventually, these husbands capitulate their control and decision making. They go along with their wife’s wishes on the children of the second marriage. When the husband is highly successful, the second or third wife becomes obsessed with the heady lifestyle, controlling money properties and all assets. The narcissistic stepmother is exceedingly greedy. She favors and give her biological children with her spouse every material advantage. The children of the first marriage have to fend for themselves without the aid of their parent. The narcissistic step mother has won the battle. She is now in charge of everyone.

Don’t wait for the narcissistic stepmother to change. This is a pathologically fixed personality disorder. Study these individuals intently. It is vital that you protect and separate yourself from them. Work changing yourself. Respect your strengths, creativity, the blooming of your potential and every aspect of your unique personality. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

My Older Sister-Narcissist Supreme

I have been told this story too many times. “When I was little I looked up to my older sister. She was so smart and very pretty. I liked to watch her and always wanted to be like her. She treated me pretty well when I was very young but then she became very involved with her friends and forgot about me completely. I was not born pretty.I did ok in school but I was not a superior student like my sister. Mom constantly asked me why I couldn’t be more like her. “We don’t know what to do with you. Susan (my older sister) is such a great role model. She is superior at school and very popular with the kids. What’s the matter with you. You don’t see to have any friends and your grades are only fair.”

On and o these wounding words go to the daughter who is not golden or chosen and who is constantly bombarded by the narcissistic mother telling her how inferior she is.

As the narcissistic sister grows, her ego gets bigger, her ruthlessness harsher, her vanity greater, her sense of superiority tremendous.

Often narcissistic mothers of these star daughters join forces to make the non-narcissistic daughter’ life absolutely miserable. These forgotten and abused daughters want to disappear on the spot. They are so ashamed of themselves, feel so inferior. This not their fault. This is the extreme cruelty of the narcissistic mothers and older sister duo and their dirty work.

Some non-narcissistic daughters find their way out of these psychological prisons. Others don’t. They keep blaming themselves for not being perfect, not being good enough , not being their older sister.

If your are this younger daughter, recognize and appreciate the struggle you have been through. You have survived. Now it is time to claim your individuality, your creative gifts, to resonate with yourself as unique and valuable. Healing modalities like gentle yoga and meditation are practices that calm the mind and nervous system so you are in touch with a self that is at peace. Some benefit from high quality psychotherapy. Choose your therapist after a lot of research and interview several until you find the right one. Expand and deepen your unique self. Learn to love yourself. Treat yourself with respect and bring joy into your life. Expand and deepen your consciousness and your horizons. You deserve to lead a life that belongs to you. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

High Society Narcissistic Sociopaths Get a Huge Pass

I am not surprised very often about the pervasive acceptance of pathological narcissism and sociopathy in our current society. In some high social circles those who live uber opulent lifestyles in the rarefied air of super wealth and power get a huge pass even in the area of serious crime. The attitude among many (not all) at the highest levels of power is to ignore the dark deeds perpetrated by those that are admired for their super wealth and impeccable social and business connections. A recent article by Alexandra Wolfe, a former contributing editor to Conde Nast Portfolio, the author wrote about an elite party given in New York, celebrating the return back into high society by a billion pedophile who had completed a 13-month sentence for soliciting prostitution from a minor. Recently this perpetrator had settled numerous civil suits brought by 40 victims who surfaced as a result of an FBI investigation. Was this man shunned? Was he upbraided by his social circle? No. Quite the contrary. He gave himself a high scale party and invited some of America’s media and entertainment figures. Three public statements were made in opposition to this perpetrator kid gloves treatment for serious crimes: Aeropostale director John Howard: “What I see here is if you have big money or are famous then you get a pass.” Lorna Brett Howard, wife of Irving Post Capital CEO: ” In the Midwest, where I am from he would be a social pariah. David Patrick Columbia, founder of New York Social Diary: ” A jail sentence doesn’t matter anymore. The only thing that gets you shunned in New York society is poverty.”

This is the attitude that some americans(many americans do not) have about those who lead the headiest lifestyles and have the greatest access to the highest levels of financial power even after they have committed horrendous crimes. They have served the time given to them. But to receive these predators with open arms and celebration—greeting them back into the fold. What kind of values are these?

I hear from victimized women and men of narcissistic sociopaths frequently. He or she has run off with all of the assets. They are left flat broke financially and broken emotionally and psychologically. Everyone must and recognize that pathological narcissism and narcissistic traits and even sociopathy in some instances are now widely accepted in our society as a method and sure way to ultimate success. Ruthless competition that destroys the lives of others is no longer a consideration. Winning the race is all that matters.

God help those who are poor. Some people look upon them as the new criminal. The society is so externalized that for some if you are very attractive and wealthy and have high connections you can get away with a hell of a lot—-much more than your poorer brothers and sisters who have become non-entities. We must fight these toxic trends. Look upon each person from the inside—what kind of character do they have? Are they moral? Are they empathic and kind? Are they honestly doing their best? We must bring mercy and deep caring about the welfare of others back into the vocabulary and daily thoughts and actions of our lives.

I hear from those who have been through hell with narcissists, sociopathic narcissists and sociopaths. They know exactly what can happen when you allow them to rule your lives. Those who have survived have rebuilt their lives, become strong on every level, re-discovered their unique gifts, found friends and partners who share their humanity. We applaud and celebrate their lives. Stay fully awake, trust your intuition that always speaks wisdom. Listen to that voice that guides all of your days. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Let Your Narcissistic Spouse Run Off with Your Assets

Knowledge is power. You have heard that many times.When it comes to a narcissist this is particularly important. When you begin to intuit that your spouse is a narcissist, pay attention. Then, do your homework and inform yourself about the serious nature of this severe personality disorder. Many women stay married to narcissistic men—Let’s stay together for the children–We have a great lifestyle–There are no financial worries; I feel stable and secure. You can never be secure with a narcissist. They are never straight or true. They lie, cheat, convincingly put on the act of the “good person”, They are connivers and schemers.

Narcissists are exceedingly greedy. They love money and the status that can bring them in business and social circles. Narcissists conceal their money from their spouses. They make secret deals. They are super controllers. If you don’t protect yourself the narcissistic spouse will make all of the demands on you, treat you like dirt and eventually leave you. Narcissists change their wills without your knowledge. They buy and sell properties. They gamble it away. They are restless human beings that must always be entertained.

Protect yourself financially from your narcissistic spouse by insisting that you share all of the assets to which you are entitled. When the marriage goes south at least you will have the material means to take care of yourself. During a divorce in particular narcissists hide valuable assets and pretend that they are flat broke. They have been creating this scheme for a long time. Get ahead of them with your knowledge of their true nature, the assistance of highly informed professionals who can obtain the truth about your mutual finances and by keeping yourself psychologically and emotionally at a distance. These are tall orders but essential to your present and future. You are entitled financially, psychologically and emotionally to lead a life in which you use your potential, creative gifts, have meaningful relationships and feel deep inner peace. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The Rise of High Level Sociopaths

In this post I am not speaking about the anti-social personality disorder who has been stealing cars since adolescence and has moved on to crimes of physical assault and robbing banks and eventually hard core jail time. The sociopath I am focusing on sits at the upper echelons of power in the private and public sectors of this country. To most people they are unrecognizable in this role. These individuals are beyond clever and cunning. They are masters of image, disguise and deceit. Many of them attend our finest universities, have the highest credentials in many professional fields. They are exalted in the highest levels of society, given honors and awards for their important work and looked up to as role models by their peers, communities and friends.

These sociopaths are a special breed of men and women. They often have a high intelligence quotient, have earned several degrees and have entered, climbed and succeeded to the pinnacle of their professions. Almost everyone is fooled by them. They have so many admirers and followers. Their main focus is in making enormous amounts of money and wielding ultimate power. There are no limits on their ambitions—It is endless. They are socially well placed and have learned the art of sizing up people early, have mastered all of the social skills and ways of flattering people into falling for them. They wield power and influence in their work over their associates. They act like team players but behind the scenes they are using others who will do their dirty work to plot and destroy their next competitor. They spread lies, create ugly scenarios, defame and eventually destroy anyone who gets in their way. I have heard many stories from their victims of lives decimated by these fawned over criminals in disguise.

The truth comes from those who have shared their private lives with this monsters. Some husbands and wives sacrifice their lives and sell their souls to share the public adulation, lifestyle and raw power that these sociopaths hold in the palms of their hands. Others finally discover that they can no longer live with the abuse, suspect that there is too much illegal, immoral and unethical behaviors occurring that they can no longer stomach and that they must sever these treacherous relationships to save themselves and their children. Divorces from these high level sociopaths are ugly to the max. Those who go forward and survive are relieved and finally free of the imprisonment and secrecy that has haunted them for decades.

Many in the current society, hyped by the media and entertainment empires, believe that those who ultimately win—even if other human beings are thrown to the wolves in the process, is perfectly ok—-even admired. Those who don’t or won’t or can’t play this brand of hard ball are wimps. The increase of narcissistic personality disorders over the last few decades is astounding. Along with this is the acceptance and rise of the highly skilled, charismatic, high level sociopath. They are seated in the midst of many power venues. All sociopaths are narcissists. Some narcissists are sociopaths. Both of these severe personality disorders fool most people, including some psychotherapists. To protect yourself from these highly destructive individuals, study these personality disorders in depth. There are many highly successful people in different kinds of professions who are humane, have great integrity and command respect. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Message to Narcissistic Mothers-Stop Putting Me Down

Narcissistic mothers are beyond difficult and they don’t become more civilized as they age. They play the dependent, “take care of me” card to the hilt (when they don’t need any assistance at all). If you are the child of a narcissistic mother, your life has been very difficult. It is hard for some people to recognize the extent and depth of their cruelties, betrayals and manipulations. If you are not the chosen child–God help you. Those who have had this experience have endured horrible abuse at the hands of the narcissistic mother. Often this mother is the matriarch of the entire family. The father is put in the background. Mother rules over him and the other members of the family. She forms alliances with children whom she can mold into clones of herself or those whom she can use as willing servants who will adore her despite their abuse of them. Then there are the sons and daughters who recognize that this woman whom they call mother doesn’t deserve this name.. She exists only for herself. She is cruel and vindictive with her children—even infants and her very young children. Some children of these dreadful mothers are fortunate to be raised by kind nannies and babysitters. Often these children call these surrogates mother. The biological narcissistic mother doesn’t have an authentic relationship with her children. She is incapable of any kind of intimate relationship.

Years of maternal narcissistic abuse are endured. Some children of these families survive by leaving the home early and seeking education on their own. Some are fortunate to find other family members who will take them in

Even well into adulthood some children of narcissistic mothers are constantly disturbed by the cruel comments, the lies spread about their characters and the direct insults that these non-mothers project on their children. They send constant emails and texts, uninvited calls. The adult child of this abuse discovers that he or she is the source of malicious rumors. Often the motive of the narcissistic mother is sadistic She want to bring down her own child. The visual image I am reminded of in thinking of these women is that of the ancient Greek goddess Medusa who horrifies us with her ferocity and fills us with dread as we watch her wearing writhing coils of live snakes encircling her head. The snakes in the narcissistic mother’s hair cannot be removed. They are a vital part of her. It is time to take a stand and separate from her psychologically for good. This isn’t easy but necessary to your psychological and emotional health.

Stop letting her put you down. Don’t be present or the volleys of criticisms, the malicious lies, the psychological ambushes, the toxic innuendos. Use your intuition to wisely tell you how and when to leave her and all of the suffering behind. I have been in contact with many sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers who have made this journey of separation and have found that they now are finally free for the first time in their lives to make their own decisions, to think creatively, to make their own plans, to use their talents and gifts, to form relationships with those whom they choose. You deserve the comfort of deep inner peace, a spacious mind, the freedom of using your creativity and the comfort and compassion of those who care deeply about you. Visit my website: wwwthenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses of Narcissists-Narrowing All of Your Life Options

You cannot be the spouse of a narcissist and be free to be yourself. I don’t care how independent and talented you are. The narcissist takes space in certain crevices of the mind and heart that cannot be overlooked. Even those with concentration and focus are disturbed on some level by sharing their lives with a narcissistic personality disorder. They nibble away at our hope, creativity and optimism. They are not only completely self absorbed, they insist on taking chunks of us, picking here and there. For spouses who are more dependent and vulnerable, they can leave this person completely helpless, unable to make their own decisions, immobilized psychologically.

Narcissists emotionally and mentally drain those close to them. They suck life out of their children, creating little narcissists out of those whom they think have the best inherent material. They weaken, deride, humiliate and endeavor to psychologically annihilate the ones who don’t come up to their standards. Those left behind, when they survive, can become very strong, individuated and creative. They have been through the worst, having a parent who was incapable of loving them authentically but now they are overcoming this and fulfilling their dreams and potential.

Those who stay with narcissists in endless empty marriages continue to narrow their life options. Always in the back of the their minds they are wondering what he or she is going to demand of them next. It’s like constantly fighting a rip tide. There are no breaks, no respite. The narcissist will never change. Many spouses make rationalizations about the “good times”—the lifestyle, the excitement of having lovely possessions, the romantic thrall of the narcissistic partner, the over the top promises, the dreams spun of pure gold, the going to the heights fantasies that linger in the mind. This is the delusion that the narcissist sells to his/her spouse.

As the years go by—sharing them with a narcissist– becomes more difficult to keep your life options free and creative. Many spouses wake up–sometimes on the brink of a psychological or physical breakdown and finally know that they must get out, even if they have to leave everything behind them. I have communicated with many spouses who have been through this process. It is difficult and and can be frightening. Recognize that as you move through this, there is a part of you that has been screaming at the top of your lungs to be free. After the formal proceedings are over, your time will come. You will return to your original self and find that you beginning to walk, then jog, then run toward all the opportunities that have been waiting for you. Now you have the wind at your back. Enjoy the beautiful view and breathe in glorious freedom. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com