“Misogyny … is a central part of sexist prejudice and ideology and…is an important basis for the oppression of females…” (There are women who are misogynistic toward other women.)
The narcissistic husband is convinced that he is superior to his wife. His self appointed role is to control her emotionally, psychologically, mentally. This may not what appears on the surface. Socially skilled narcissistic men appear to adore women. They charm them, wine and dine them, give them surprise gifts, offer effusive compliments and successfully seduce them. Some women become so entranced by narcissistic boyfriends that they marry them. After a honeymoon period that lasts varying lengths of time, the narcissist’s true nature emerges. (You may have had strong hints of the dark nature of the NPD before the wedding.)
When their volcanic rage is spewing forth, telling their spouses how inferior they are, how they constantly make dreadful mistakes, insult their intelligence, throw verbal barbs in rapid succession and wear you down with constant attacks on you as a person–a woman, you are in a state of fight or flight. This internal chaos inside of you can become chronic. You never feel at peace. You celebrate those times when your narcissistic husband is taking business trips or out with friends. You dread his presence and find ways to elude him. But as long as you are married to this man, you are subject to his abuse. It is very difficult to tune out the thunderous tirades. He is the ultimate hypocrite. In public he is a prince of a man. He is respected even venerated by some. You are congratulated at social and business events for choosing such an extraordinary man as your spouse.He’s getting the applause; you have the headaches, stomach aches, anxiety and depression.
Deep in the unconscious, the narcissistic husband is filled with self loathing and lives in a bleak, empty internal world. He is inauthentic and psychologically depleted. The narcissist, incapable of insight or introspection or empathy, is frantically searching his outer world for the psychological supplies that will fill his bottomless needs. He seeks others who venerate, even worship him. They provide him with constant praise, making him feel good. If he is a high level narcissist, others come to him to worship at his throne.
This dynamic is very different when you are married to narcissistic husband. Out of his public image and within the privacy of his home, this man is an ugly misogynistic tyrant. He thunders, bellows, screams through the house. He comes close to your face and you feel his foul breath and his disgusting words pierce your eardrums: “You are downright stupid. Women–they are idiots!” “My father was right. They are only good for sex and babies if you want them.. Otherwise, forget it.” “You cause me so much stress I can’t bear it.” (Actually the reverse is true. Narcissistic husbands cause spouses to be in a constant state of fight or flight; their nervous systems are continually on the alert. These ugly scenes occur year after year, decade after decade.
The narcissistic husband continually spews his unconscious venom on to you, his wife. This abuse will not stop. He hates himself but has put you in his place. These projections will continue. He is incapable of insight, true remorse, introspection or empathy. Remember, he is the ultimate bully and hypocrite.
Some abused wives of misogynistic narcissists dissolve their marriages. This divorce course can be difficult but I often hear positive reports from ex wives of narcissists that are very positive. These women are now free. No husband is accusing them of being inferior or treating them this way. They have inner peace which is invaluable. They re-discover their creative gifts. They renew their relationship with themselves and find relationships that are genuine and meaningful. You deserve and are entitled to be your authentic self and to choose how you wish you live each day and to look forward to each day.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.