Leaving Narcissistic Family–Leading Your Life

Some individuals are surrounded by narcissists from
birth–Imagine—narcissistic mother, narcissistic father, and
narcissistic siblings sprinkled throughout the family pool. What a life
challenge!  I have known of a number of adult children in narcissistic
families who have survived and are now leading their lives in freedom. A
narcissistic mother alone can be psychologically lethal. Those cold,
dismissive women of deprivation who secretly (or not so secretly)
despise their children are quite common. Little children in these
circumstances usually don’t know that they are being raised by highly
deluded people. They are treated with various forms of cruelty. Some
children are completely ignored. They have to even seek their own food
wherever they can. Mother can’t be bothered to provide regular meals for
them. She is too busy obsessing with her image. The only time they
receive any attention is when it is “showtime”. This occurs when
narcissistic mom is presenting herself as “super mom.” There are
the impeccable photographs of the perfect family. The children stand
their with glued on smiles and empty frozen eyes. They are wearing their
best clothing and mother has made sure that everyone she knows will
have this picture of her family. She is the mother sublime, the selfless
one who will do anything for her children. The opposite is true but no
one knows because this is the secret kept within the walls of the house.
Then there are narcissistic brothers and sisters that must be survived.
That is another nightmare. They are forever bullying the scapegoated
child and getting away with it. Often the father is very weak, like
another child whom the narcissistic mother controls and possesses.

 

There
comes a time of reckoning when children surrounded by narcissistic
family members decide that they can no longer be part of this deluded,
cold, cruel group of people to survive. Many of these children leave
home early, find supportive friends, or simply strike out on their own.
This is quite remarkable and these individuals deserve our deep respect.
These are the courageous ones. We are inspired by these extraordinary
people.

 

If you know that you are trapped in a
narcissistic family and understand this psychopathology, you understand
that these people are never going to change. You are different even
though you share the same DNA. I have heard from many who have left
their narcissistic families behind and are now leading their lives in
psychological, mental and emotional freedom. They are using their
creative gifts, discovering true friendships and re-starting their
lives. Take heart—You can do this. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Love–Hate Relationships–Sons of Narcissistic Mothers

Sons of narcissistic mothers are possessed by them. Their lives are
never their own. Thoughts and feelings of “mother” is always pulsing
through their heads. They are never free of the narcissistic mother. She
is always present even if she is physically absent. The son of a
narcissistic mother has internalized this woman who “adores” him.  In
many cases, he has been her psychological possession for his entire
life. The icon Frank Lloyd Wright had a classic love-hate relationship
with his mother. She called him “her prince”. He maintained the
relationship for most of his life and was extremely ambivalent about
her. She was constantly meddling. She became an albatross for Wright.
Frank was an incredible grandiose narcissist–highly talented but
irresponsible, cruel, unempathic,and outrageous.

The
narcissistic mother creates a false self of her son. She decides who he
is and will become. If he is the golden child, he can do no wrong, does
not develop a conscience, takes advantage of others, is merciless and
cruel to others, treats even his family like dirt. These mothers
emasculate their sons who end up having highly pathological
relationships with women. They truly hate women even through they may be
great flirts and womanizers.

Avoid marrying the
narcissistic son of a narcissistic mother. You will be grateful that you
have learned to recognize a narcissist. To learn about every facet of
the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–You are Not Alone

When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you
are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time. Many daughters
don’t realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred
on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your
childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold
mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that
think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so
devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly
on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful
she is.

Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic
mothers literally beat their children. They make sure that the marks
won’t show so there will be no obvious evidence of their cruelties.
Other mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally.
They pit one child against the other. They are cold and unexpressive.
They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always
busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with
their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of
surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature.
When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.

 

There
are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with
her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the
narcissistic mother’s revenge. These daughters then become a constant
target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she
will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls
out, saying that she simply can’t afford it. This is an all out lie. She
has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic
mother’s horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is
exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom
she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they
have weathered horrible abuse–daily intimidations and humiliations. She
constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that
she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending
to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not
bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and
on—endlessly undermining this child.

There are daughters of
narcissistic mothers that say: “enough” and leave their households
early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can
be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them
with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.

 

Whatever stage of dealing with
your narcissistic mother you are in, I congratulate your courage and
fortitude. You know the truth. You are a fine human being. Your mother
is a severe personality disorder. You have prevailed. You are free. Fly
and glide like the Monarch butterflies who complete their migration over
three generations and thousands of miles–so beautiful so determined,
so wonderful.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers Divide and Conquer

Narcissistic mothers are one woman armies of human destruction. They
are an elite team of ninja killers of the psyches of their children. One
narcissistic mother does more psychological damage than you can
imagine. I read and hear life stories every day about those who have
survived the narcissistic battles of childhood. One of NM’s cruelest
tactics is turning one child against the other. She will assure her son
that he is the special one and then tell the older daughter that she has
been chosen. After all, she is gorgeous, bright and talented. What’s
not to worship. she pits one child against the other, starting when they
are very young. Often she does have a favorite whom she ties to herself
psychologically like an appendage. This child  suffers horribly
because he or she cannot separate out from mother, often for life. In
other circumstances narcissistic mothers create day by day a budding
narcissist who is her perfect reflection.  These children have special
privileges like the largest stake in her financial assets. The true
golden child learns from mom to taunt and terrorize the other children.
Between the two of them, it is a sinister game—a sadistic one.
In these families it is every child for himself. The brother or sister who
is savvy and has the opportunity, escapes as early as possible. Some
children find other adults whom they trust and help them to move, get
jobs, training, go to college, etc.

As the years go by, hatred between the siblings grows and hardens. The narcissistic
mother remains Ruler of the dissembling process. Some of her children
who are prisoners and possessions, defend her no matter what she has
done to them. They are lost souls and will never become individuals in
their own right.

I have discovered many courageous and strong human beings who have survived their narcissistic mothers. I think and feel about them with tenderness and great respect. You are victorious! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit
my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Narcissistic Mother’s Lack of Emotional Attachment

The first stage of growth in the attachment of the newborn to the
mother. D.W. Winncott the great psychoanalyst calls this phase the
mother’s “preoccupation” with her baby. This is an essential process in
the baby’s secure attachment to mother. The “good enough mother” as he
describes it , for this period of time is constantly thinking, feeling
and acting through the days and night about her baby. The earliest weeks
and months are critical to the babies’ physical, mental, and
psychological development. There is a special relationship that develops
between the two. The father is a vital part of this process. Cuddling,
calming, speaking softly, caressing a crying baby, soothing a frightened
child is all part of this period. The baby has left the dark safety of
the womb and is now exposed to an unknown world filled with sounds,
colors, forms, scents, touch—all of this is new to his world. Mother
is the one through her attachment to the baby, creates a safe
psychological bridge for living in the world.

Children
raised by a narcissistic mother don’t have this experience. Mother is
incapable of attaching to her baby. She may pretend convincingly to
others but she has no real feeling. Narcissistic mothers believe they
are great mothers and that they can do it all. They count the days when
they can return from maternity leave and work during times when their
baby needs them desperately.

Some women must work to
keep their families together. There is no father. They are the ones who
are raising the children, paying the bills and putting food on the
table. This is another situation and these women deserve our praise.

The
narcissistic mother ignores and neglects her child. Her main focus is
on herself.  She spends inordinate amount of time on how she looks which
has to be “perfect.” Many of these mothers are highly materialistic.
What they wear, their external image, their home surroundings–all add
up to a perfect image. Narcissistic others are bored with their
children. They make no psychological connection with them and discard
them.

They pawn them off on baby sitters. Some of them have 24/7
help for their children because they are too busy to take care of them.
Children raised in this way do not attach to the mother and have a
difficult time attaching to another person. Fortunately, there are
instances in which a grand parent or other family member who steps into
the mothering role. This can make all the difference.

Some
children raise themselves. Some brothers and sisters form their own
families and take care of one another. Some children go their own way
and survive despite all of the emotional pain and maternal deprivation.
Adult children of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent
psychotherapy and other healing modalities—gentle yoga, meditation,
cardiovascular exercise. Remember, having a narcissistic mother is not
your fault. You are a separate individual and deserve to lead your life
in freedom and creativity. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com