Category: Children of Narcissistic Mothers

The narcissistic mother’s shares the stage with no one—not even her lovely daughter. There are a some NMs who choose a daughter that will mirror the mother’s perfection and who becomes her living clone. The daughter’s beauty, mental brightness and other gifts are the reason that she is chosen as the quintessential narcissistic supply to keep mother’s ego fully inflated.

Daughters who are not chosen are treated very differently. Some are discarded out of hand and neglected—left to fend for themselves from the time they are young.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers refuse to be forced to play the role that mother has written. These daughters are are often very bright, attractive and have a mind of their own. Narcissistic mothers hold a deep envy of these offspring. They view this daughter as a threat to her power and control. They are obsessively envious of the daughter who can think for herself and is not willing to play the role of clone or discard. This daughter becomes mom’s enemy. Mother fears that this child will surpass her. As she becomes older (narcissists are terrified of aging) her daughter develops into a very attractive, intelligent young woman. The narcissistic mother tries every put down, verbal ambush, humiliation in her book of cruelties. Mother starts to call her the “problem daughter” who is unstable and unpredictable, causing the entire family horrific problems. These are mental inventions on the part of the narcissistic mother’s attempt to demean and diminish her daughter’s identity.

On an unconscious level the narcissistic mother cannot deal with her feelings of emptiness and self loathing. She projects these toxic feelings on to her child. Some daughters recognize early that they are the targets of their mother’s envy and recognize the pathology of their family. Many of them spend as much time away from mother’s psychopathology as possible. Some find other female figures –teachers, aunts, grandmothers–who appreciate them for their authentic selves and give them a secure place to express their feelings and thoughts.

Many of these daughters benefit from quality psychotherapy and work through the core issues of having an envious narcissistic mother. They recognized their entitlements as unique individuals capable of using all of their creative gifts and to participate in giving and receiving love and affection–becoming the human beings they were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers are intolerant and disdainful of their daughter’s individuality from the beginning. Narcissistic mothers have the same psychopathological core but different styles of “mothering.” Putting this word in parentheses is meant to convey that these women are pseudo mothers. They are incapable of deep affection, emotional bonding or allow their child to be herself. They make every attempt to impose a false persona on their daughters. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly cruel either through neglect or abuse or a combination of the two. The force of their lives is centered around themselves. Their daughters, if they are chosen for their intellectual gifts, beauty or talent, are molded to become perfect replicas of mother. They are forced to become puppets who will mirror back to the narcissistic mother her sublime image. Narcissistic mothers don’t permit their daughters to develop their own true identities. They are insensitive to their child’s special temperament and disposition. They have no understanding that they may have a daughter who is highly sensitive and intuitive. Narcissistic mothers often make fun of and deride the daughter who is finely tuned emotionally and psychologically and who is highly empathic. They tell this daughter she is weak; she needs to toughen up and be strong. She screams at her daughter:” You are too emotional. You are overly sensitive and react to everything that happens. What’s the matter with you? You cry about the smallest things; I’m beginning to think you have severe emotional problems–and on and on.

The chosen daughter gets all of the praise and adulation because she fits into the perfect narcissistic mother mold. As long as she stays in this role she is given the nicest room, lovely clothing, social opportunities—her mother’s perpetual blessings. In conversation the narcissistic mother always talks about this splendid “star” daughter “not the other ones.”

Unchosen daughters are either forgotten and often treated very abusively. Daughters of narcissistic mothres are always the target of their mother’s primitive unconscious projections. She pours her psychological venom on to them—nonstop.

Many of these daughters grow up not knowing who they really are. Mother has rejected them. Often the father is intimidated by the NM and when push comes to shove, he relinquishes his authority and steps in line with her because he fears his formidable wife.

Some of these daughters learn very early that mother doesn’t care about them even that she is hated; that she is being cruelly pushed aside. There are daughters who secretly maintain their true identities. They turn to books, to art, to writing, to journaling, to Nature to find respite and peace and to nurture and preserve the fire of their individuality.
These daughters are true heroes. Some of them find mentors and mother substitutes—other family members–aunts, grandmothers, teachers, mothers of friends to whom they can turn to share their true selves. These women listen, take them in, understand them and nourish them.

Some daughters of NMs leave home early to escape from this psychologically poisonous environment. They learn to chart their own course. They use their unique gifts. There is a small voice inside of them that says: ” You are a unique individual who deserves respect and understanding.” “I am not my mother; I am myself and I accept and love myself.”

Sometimes the ability to see themselves this way involves going through psychotherapy with an excellent clinician. The daughter of a narcissistic mother takes a journey back to the original self. There she discovers that her horizons are unlimited, that her creative gifts are intact, that she is capable of giving and receiving love and kindness and deserves to experience deep inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

We are always in the process of evolving. We feel the internal gashes, blows and deep bruises of childhood cruelty and maternal deprivation, especially if we are children of a narcissistic mother. This is one of the greatest challenges in life. There are those who have that moment of awakening and recognize that there mother is a narcissistic personality. Something deep inside them stirs and says they must free themselves of this deep wound. They are determined to break from the psychological and emotional shackles of the parent who never was.

This insight about your narcissistic mother puts you on the path to healing yourself. Your are a unique human being—an invaluable one. Although you may share the DNA of your mother and father and your ancestors, you are not them. You will never be on the face of the earth again–Your special imprint will never appear again past, present, future. You have time left to fulfill the evolution of your original self–the person you were meant to be.

Healing often begins with grieving the mother you did not have. You feel like crying. You are infuriated by all of the years of brainwashing, cruelties, put-downs, constant verbal abuse that has made you wonder if you are too blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Always remember this. You didn’t ask to be the child of this mother. An aspect of your healing very many is to sever the “relationship” with this non mother. Other members of the family may object or wonder what you are doing. WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, NOT THE OTHER PARENT,NOT OTHER SIBLINGS, NOT IN-LAWS –MATTERS. THIS IS YOUR DECISION TO HEAL.

Individuals heal in different ways. Let yourself cry, Give yourself the solitude and time that it takes to move through this process. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Make sure that you interview a couple of therapists and make sure that are not narcissists or people who have a strong money motive.

There are a number of healing modalities including gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on the breath, sitting and walking meditation, the company and contact with a couple of friends who care deeply about you and are available at any time. Spontaneous writing done consistently without editing gives your a portal to your feelings and access to your creativity. If you draw and paint, do this–Start a healing art book. Remember, no judgements. Look at yourself. Give yourself love and credit for your psychological survival under horrendous childhood circumstances. I have a deep commitment to those who are children of narcissistic mothers. I am amazed by their compassion and kindness. I am honored by their presence in the world.
Keep evolving–there are no limits—keep loving–Keep giving solace to others as you have all of your life.
You will find peace and your gifts will expand and deepen. We are so fortunate to share a place with you in the world. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph..D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@the narcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by lmlphd

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult life experiences. From the time you were born, you could not be properly nurtured and cherished because your mother was a narcissist. Her touch was rough, insensitive or non-existent. Some narcissistic mothers are unable to hold their babies and only give them a quick bottle that is propped up. There is no contact or it it brusque, brisk and without any positive emotion. In fact some narcissistic mothers resent their daughters so much they can bearable stand to look at them. When they do it is an expression of disdain and anger that the little daughter sees on her mother’s face. “Mama doesn’t love me.” This is the loud message that many daughters have imprinted on their consciousness very early. If the father is capable of affection and emotional connection this can be the saving grace—And a grandparent or aunt can make all of the difference. In some cases an older sibling is the person who mothers this child. For some there is no one in the family and I have discovered some daughters who have literally raised themselves. This is truly remarkable but not without the psychological wounds that are unseen on the outside but cause deep psychic pain in the inside.

Narcissistic mothers haunt their daughters. These daughters often question themselves and even blame themselves for a lack of maternal love. This is due to the earliest imprinting of maternal deprivation and psychological abuse. Some daughters go on to marry narcissistic men and the cycle of repetition continues. When we grow up with this level of pathology–that is our reality. We needed to do what was necessary to survive–Never blame yourself for that–ever! Be grateful for the dear child who moment by moment, week by week, year by year–was determined to survive. That is an incredible achievement.

Some daughters remain under the thumb of the narcissistic mother terror. They are fused with her. They love her and hate her simultaneously. This pattern can be very powerful. However, it does not have to remain in place.

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers finally recognize that their mother is a person who suffers from serious psychopathology that will not change. They make the break with the narcissistic mother. They recognize that they were given a life and are entitled to lead it according to their own unique natures, to use their creative gifts, to find deep peace inside, to give and receive love. Many of these daughters find help an change working with an excellent therapist. (Make sure you don’t choose a narcissistic psychotherapist who has a money motive at the top of her/his list).

There are many healing paths that will appeal to you. Find the ones that work for you alone. Gentle hath yoga with its emphasis on the breath through the nose is very calming. It expands our consciousness and has an impact on bringing the nervous system into balance. Journaling for many is a way of putting your spontaneous feelings and thoughts on the page without editing. Different forms of artistic expression are very freeing and creative. Exercise your way and find that you become physically stronger, steadier and more emotionally balanced. Develop a relationship(s) with what I call the 2 am friend–someone you can call when you are feeling down or scared or indecisive. These loving people can make all of the difference in our lives.
Meditation in a form that works for you –walking, sitting, solitude in any activity where you will not be interrupted is also a way of quieting the mind and nervous system.

For those who have deceased narcissistic mothers– learn how to put her to rest in your mind and heart. This can be part of a grieving process for a woman who was a non-mother. It is a grieving for the mother you never had and this is so sad it makes you cry. Crying is a way of releasing psychological and emotional pain and saying goodbye to the mother we never had. This can be done and it is a journey—a journey to the real self. I hear from daughters of narcissistic mothers who are in the process of healing. This is very encouraging and true. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissistic mother abuses her children by her presence alone. She is cold, disingenuous, hyper critical, emotionally unavailable, completely self absorbed and unempathic. Babies immediately know who their mother really is. Babies of narcissistic mothers internally know that their mother is incapable of loving them of caressing them of holding and bonding with them. They feel this deep inside although they are too young to speak or even think rationally because they are too young. As the child of the narcissistic mother grows, this woman has a stronger grip on her child. She has high expectations especially if you are the chosen golden child. She doesn’t care how you are feelings and thinking. She has plans for you. You must become a doctor, an attorney, a CEO–You must rise to the heights or you are a failure. She fuses with you psychologically. You cannot get away from her. Even when she is not present in the room you feel her tugging at you, criticizing you–forcing you to go in the direction she has chosen for you. Growing up with a narcissistic mother it is difficult to maintain your own thoughts and feelings. That’s how much she has taken over. She decides who your friends should be. She meddles in your life on every level.

The child who is discarded by the narcissistic mother is ignored and often scoffed at or even laughed at. He or she is compared with the golden child and always comes up wanting. “Why can’t you be bright like your brother.” “You are stupid and lazy. I have always known that about you.” You will always be a failure. You should be ashamed of yourself.” These psychological blows are unrelenting. These children are always suffering under the heel of the cruelty of the narcissistic mother.

The golden child is psychologically fused with the narcissistic mother and is revered and even considered as some kind of deity.

As you grow up you try to undo the shackles of the narcissistic mother. This is a very difficult thing to do. You are already enmeshed with her. You have a love/hate relationship with her. It’s not real love; it is an obligation and a kind of imprisonment.

These forms of psychological haunting can go on for generations until someone breaks the pattern. Will you be the one who will or has done this. There are daughters and sons of narcissistic others who have freed themselves from their bonds. They are leading their own lives on their terms. They have permanently disengaged from the cruel matriarch of their recurrent nightmares. Many of them have benefited from quality psychotherapy, healing modalities like gentle yoga, walking or sitting meditation, health enhancing exercise and good diet, etc.Take heart. You can change this horrific pattern. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“Paranoia is a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in an unfriendly and dangerous inner world..Inside, he is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

All narcissists are paranoid on some level. They look over their shoulders, fortify their ramparts, create traps to assure their psychological safety. They are highly secretive about this. They don’t want anyone to know their secrets.

Narcissists have never developed Basic Trust–which is the human capacity to feel internally protected and secure within yourself and to learn how to develop meaningful relationships with others.

Narcissists throughout their lives have psychologically, emotionally and financially crushed countless people, especially those closest to them—their spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children. There is a pervasive pattern of narcissistic abuse that involves the stealing of financial security by the narcissistic spouse. I have heard and read innumerable life stories of spouses who believed that they could obtain a fair divorce settlement only to discover that monetary assets had been hidden and then placed under the control of the narcissist. In a number of cases the injured spouse is not able to obtain legal representation because they have no funds. The narcissist hires a very savvy high powered attorney who prevails in the divorce court. Some of these malicious narcissists end up with custody of the children. They don’t give a damn about their children. This is a form of revenge for them and a way of maintaining their image of “good father.”

Despite their success professionally in the world, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself. This is tragic.

The tragedy continues with those who are victimized by the narcissist and their number is legion. Those are the individuals to whom I reach out. Learn to protect yourself from the pathological paranoid narcissist. Study the personality traits and recognize the red flags of the narcissistic personality. Trust your genuine self always to know the truth about the nature of these pathological individuals. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Growing up the daughter or son of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult roles in life. These non mothers cause both emotional and psychological abuse as well as maternal deprivation. These women can’t mother. They suffer from a severe personality disorder that is fixed and will likely never change. It is unfortunate that they become mothers in the first place. In some cases the father takes the role of both parents and the children bond with him and receive affection and love from this person. We only need one parent and often dad is the one. Some children are raised by a grandparent who takes on the mothering role.

Narcissistic mothers are very mean in different ways. Some of them completely ignore their children and treat them like servants, making them become little adults very early—learning how to cook, clean and fetch and carry anything mama wants and needs on the spot. These women often scream incessantly at their children and are not above cuffing them in the face when their low impulse control takes over. They are never sorry. They put on the perfect act in public and neighbors and friends often think they are wonderful mothers. Cruelties, maternal deprivation, deceitfulness, turning one child against another–you name it and they perpetrate these unspeakable deeds and emotional wounds upon their children. These psychological wounds linger in the mind and heart for children of narcissistic mothers. However, there are many who heal. They permanently break the tie literally and emotionally with their non-mother. Some of them find healing through excellent psychotherapy and learning to get out of the fight or flight mode through gentle hatha yoga and meditation and other healing modalities. Some of the most compassionate individuals I have known are children of narcissistic mothers. Always take good care of yourself, cherish your kindness and feel your heart open. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by lmlphd@th

Maternal psychological attachment is the secure, loving bond that the mother forms with her baby. This provides the child with a feeling of safety and predictability. Mother becomes the child’s psychological home base. Narcissistic mothers do not bond with their children. They are incapable of forming a genuine relationship. Their focus is on themselves. They may go through the motions but their feelings are not invested in their infant. In some instances if the narcissistic mother has chosen a particular child to use as a narcissistic supply then she will become a puppet in the mother’s hands.

Daughters of narcissists talk and write about how coldly and dismissively they were treated as children and adults. Mother was the Queen Bee; she always came first. She had no way of attuning to the needs of her child. Being a mother was an encumbrance to her, a burden. Some narcissistic mothers are so cruel and vain that they were sorry they ever had children who kept their figure from remaining perfect or took time away from their personal enjoyments, trips, shopping, professional advancement.

As a result daughters of narcissistic mothers have not bonded with their mothers. Some of them find that their father is the one to whom they can attach. Others look to siblings who serve in the maternal role. Others have no one and simply grow up psychologically on their own. They may have every material advantage in the world but they don’t have a real mother.

Lack of maternal attachment can cause problems with daughters later on in their intimate relationships. They tend to pick men who are not protective of them, who are unstable and abusive. They don’t feel worthy of being in a relationship with someone who is capable of loving them.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are capable of attaching to others and forming deep relationships. This is often possible through the hard work they have done with themselves and through excellent psychotherapy. Part of the healing here is in recognizing that your mother was incapable of psychological attachment, that this was not a reflection of your worthiness or value as an individual and that you are highly capable of loving other human beings deeply. You are not your narcissistic mother. You are yourself–a unique wonderful human being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You have heard the expression that blood is thicker than water–that our “kin” is closer to us than anyone else because we share the same DNA and family history. This is not the case, especially when we grow up in a family of narcissists. If you were raised in this type of pathological family constellation, you knew early that your mother, father, siblings, etc. were not on your side. You knew that you would be betrayed if you dared to share confidences with them. You could not depend on your narcissistic mother to nurture, protect or care about you. Your siblings were highly competitive against you. These young narcissists saw you as weak and inferior and treated you in kind. There are innumerable life stories of brutal childhoods that the victims of narcissistic family members endure.

Narcissistic relatives pull the rug out from under us as often as possible. They absolutely can’t be trusted. You may think you know them–even a mother or father or spouse but they have secret agendas. They make empty promises, drawing you in to believe in them. The time comes and they revoke what they have sworn they would do. They make excuses; they tell you there was a misunderstanding and you were wrong. They accuse you of fabrications. Narcissists live in total delusion of their own making They never deal with the truth.

To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality in-depth. You will discover some family members in all the pages of your reading. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will always tell you the truth. Believe in your perceptions and know that your narcissistic relatives will never change. You cannot have genuine relationships with them. You will form other relationships that are meaningful. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Whether they are very successful business women or stay at home “mothers” narcissistic women are incapable of mothering. It is tragic that so many of them have had children. I am making this statement as a result of my clinical knowledge of the psychic structure of the narcissist. The narcissistic woman who becomes a “mother” cannot fulfill this role. In some cases these women don’t become mothers and that is very fortunate. Especially at this time—Not every woman must become a mother–especially if this person is not going to be capable of making a secure loving attachment to her child. Lack of attachment, anxious attachment and disturbed attachment will have a profound negative on the child’s psyche.

For the narcissistic woman, giving birth to a child is a great narcissistic supply. If she is a professional, climbing the heights, there area extra bonuses–She does it all! No, that is not the case. If she stays home as the “devoted mother”, then her life revolves around her dear children and the home. Not the case again. Remember, this is a narcissist. Having a child and children raises the narcissistic mother to another level. This creates an indelible image in the minds of others. Her children are so perfect; she is so loving; the family is wonderful. This is all fiction and delusion. The photographs with the smiles and perfect background don’t tell the tale. The real stories come from the women with whom I have communicated who tell me about the horrors of their life histories as daughters of narcissistic mothers. The cruelties, deprivations, insensitivities, dismissive coldness and treacheries are immeasurable. Many of these daughters slowly heal but it is a difficult and long road they travel. These women deserve our respect. They have prevailed over their highly disturbed, malicious, envious narcissistic “mothers.” To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com