Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

The narcissistic personality is fixed and impervious to change. Many of those who are on the receiving end of these “relationships” keep holding out the hope that if they fulfill the narcissist’s demands and wishes, he or she will change their controlling, abusive behavior.

Time after time the injured spouse goes to therapy to re-do herself, to learn to become more patient and understanding. In some cases if the spouse goes to the wrong therapist, she will be pressured to believe that the problem is within the client’s psyche. Some therapists assume that people who come to them are responsible for the problems in the marital relationship. They ask: “What are you doing that is irritating your husband?” “How can you be more understanding?” “Why don’t you learn how to give a little?” Fortunately there are many excellent clinical professionals who are keenly aware of the psychological sabotage that the narcissistic spouse projects on his partner. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful and enlightening to the spouse who is considering leaving the marriage. The client comes face to face with the fact that he/she is married to a narcissistic personality disorder who is not going to change. She/he gets the message that the failed marriage is not all her fault. It is not possible to have a genuine marital union with a narcissist.

Narcissists are conditioned not born to this psychopathology. As small children they are taught directly or indirectly that it is perfectly fine to believe that your are superior to others, that you can manipulate and exploit anyone who is an obstacle to your goal, that a perfect image trumps substance, that being ruthless and careless with the feelings of others is essential to success. Empathy and developing a conscience is not part of the budding narcissist’s vocabulary. They are given free reign to trample over others to win. Winning for the narcissist is everything. This parental influence becomes deeply embedded in the psychic structure of the growing narcissist. This disorder is highly fixed and rigid and disinclined to change.

If you are involved with a narcissistic partner or married to one, know that this individual will not change, ever. Stop making yourself sick over their constant spewing of toxic projections, their put downs, their verbal sabotage, their putrid secrets, their explotive deeds.

Take your life in your hands. Create a support group you can count on. It can be one person with whom you can communicate. Think carefully about your own welfare for a change. Learn to appreciate all of your creative gifts. Embrace the beauty of your individuality. You deserve to lead a full rich life on your terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

If you know the narcissistic personality disorder well, especially if you have divorced one of these individuals or been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent, you know that this one person can cause extreme stress and psychological pain among the members of an entire family. Everyone surrounded by the narcissist’s destructive traits—chronic lying, deception, betrayal, manipulation, exploitation, emotional sabotage—is highly aware of the severe damage that this highly pathological individual can wreak. Narcissists do care who you are–a stranger, an acquaintance, a close family member, even a child. If you get in their way, they will intimidate, threaten and retaliate if you buck their wills of steel. Some family members make excuses for these horrific people. “Oh that’s just the way he is—a perfectionist.” But he is so bright and accomplished–cut him some slack.” Really—-I don’t think so when this person is running roughshod over the minds, hearts and psyches of those closest to him. No one person has the right to invade your boundaries, demean you, humiliate you or taunt and terrorize you. I don’t care what this individual has accomplished in the world, how much power he wields, or the size of his material largess.

We are at a time right now when narcissists are applauded because they are so driven—yes they move ahead trampling on everyone else. This is despicable behavior and will not be tolerated. Those who have suffered under this treacherous treatment write about the terrors and tortures they have endured under the sadism of one narcissist. This happens all of the time but most people remain unaware of the severe psychological and emotional damage this one highly disturbed person has caused. Become fully aware of the nature of the narcissistic personality psychopathology. Listen to those who have suffered under its iron boot and merciless treatment. If you have a havoc wreaking narcissist in your family, you may have to make a 180 turn away and sever the relationship. I know this can be difficult but remember this severe personality disorder does not change. The quality of your life–psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual–is invaluable. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert narcissists are so clever that they fool most people. They are like skilled double agents, trained to the highest level. They present themselves as humble, self-effacing and lacking entitlement. They praise you excessively, telling your how attractive you are, how much you have accomplished. They admire you–“I could never have achieved what you have done. You are talented and brilliant and beautiful besides.” These comments roll out of their mouths like watching your streaming breath on a cold winter night. They put you on the highest pedestal. They have never met anyone like you. They feel so lucky and are in awe. Many women lap this up because the level of acting is high. Covert narcissists have their scripts down to every gesture and word nuance. They know when you are at your most vulnerable and take advantage with perfect timing.

If you become involved with a covert narcissist and something goes wrong–he/she is not getting everything he wants, he will play the martyr in sackcloth role. “I have given you myself unconditionally and look how you have hurt me. I can’t take this kind of abuse.” You might as well reverse these words because it is the covert narcissist who has eclipsed your life, made outrageous demands, who constantly lies, breaks promises and humiliates you. And then there is the pseudo self pity. “I thought my life had changed when I met you. You make things so hard for me. You are so demanding I can’t stand it. You married me to get ahold of my money and leave me for someone else” There are too many pity parties to count. Some spouses and partners of covert narcissists feel guilty and believe that this person is the victim and that they must do everything they can (even if it disrupts their life horribly) to soothe and give in to the covert narcissist’s bottomless “needs.” These “needs” mean constant worship and adulation, jumping the minute he makes irrational demands, believing his chronic lies, returning for more verbal abuse, allowing him to exhaust your psychological and sometimes financial resources.

Take the time to learn how to quickly recognize the covert narcissist and to keep him out of your life. If he/she is part of your life now and you realize who this person really is, seriously think about severing this relationship. Take care of yourself first—the covert narcissist is only watching out for himself despite his sackcloth and ashes and endless pity parties. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are many material perks to being married to a narcissist who is successful in his/her career. There is the image that you were chosen by this accomplished, bright, socially skilled person to be his partner. Many spouses are swept into this role. Eventually the dazzle and bling for many begins to fade and the person married to the narcissist recognizes the down side of this pseudo relationship. As you live with this person you recognize that he has a dark side that is selfish, cruel, cold, calculating, vindictive, exploitive, deceptive. Many non-narcissistic spouses decide by default that they must live in misery with this individual. Some of them have grown up in narcissistic families as scapegoats and targets of chronic verbal abuse. They spent their childhoods being criticized, demeaned, humiliated and projected upon. They were blamed for things they never did. A narcissistic brother or sister was always able to convince the narcissistic parent that the victim was the perpetrator. Children growing up in this family constellation feel helpless, frightened and that they are unworthy of leading a happy life. They are always anticipating misery since that is what they known from the beginning. It is not unusual for these individuals to repeat the childhood pattern by marrying a narcissist.And the nightmare begins anew. The abuse is horrendous but familiar to them. They expected to be treated cruelly and dismissively. That is what they know.

In many cases the non-narcissistic spouse wakes up and realizes that she/he has been play the part of the victim all of her life. She begins to feel that she deserves so much more: inner peace, affection, being understood and cherished, growth of her creative gifts. Eventually these victims discover that they are married to narcissistic personalities who are not going to change. But they are—They become more independent, begin to appreciate their individuality, participate in good psychotherapy and join support groups. They finally recognize that they are worth it—a valuable unique individual and step out of the Misery Role. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers have more than nine lives. When they convince you they are weak and vulnerable and you are so worried about them that you can’t sleep at night, that’s when they strike. If you go to visit them to bring whatever they must have, they look at you dismissively as if to say: “Why are you here?” or “You never come to visit me. What do you want from me this time?” No matter what you do for a narcissistic mother it will never be enough. Even when you are the child in the family who has been most devoted toward her with your actions that take away you time and energy when other siblings will not share the burden, these narcissistic mothers will talk behind your back to her other children. They are so cruel. This is because they have a severe personality disorder that you can’t cure. They are not going to change. You can find ways to cope with them if you can remain psychologically detached. This is a tall order and takes a lot of training and discipline. When you were a child it was hellish growing up with your narcissistic mother screaming at your dad all of the time. It broke your heart to watch him cower with fear like a small child himself. But he kept coming back for more. Growing up with a narcissistic mother carries a pain all of its own. If you haven’t experienced it, it is hard to explain. There is neglect, abuse, control, rage, dismissiveness and the absolute knowledge the child has that she/he will never be good enough to meet mother’s standards.

After going through these battles for so many years and paying the price—psychological, physical health issues, marital problems of your own caused by these dynamics, it could be time to say:”Enough” I will not let her pull me back down again into this intolerable inner place. I don’t deserve this. My focus needs to be on healing and becoming individuated from my mother—psychologically separate from her. This can be done. It is not easy. Sometimes contact has to be severed. In other cases there is minimal contact with rules that involve being treated with respect.

In the aftermath of making this change in your life, whatever form it takes, begin to look up rather than down. Begin with small steps–allow yourself to enjoy something each day that you love to do. Got out into your yard or look at the birds that inhabit the spaces around you. Take a walk with a friend. Develop a few relationships with people who are capable of hearing you and helping you make this transition of movement toward separating from mother. Look at all of your creative gifts. Start to use them now. Begin without being judgmental. Learn to quiet the mind through meditation or gentle yoga. Some form of aerobic exercise helps in these transitions. Aerobics makes you strong and increases your endorphins and aids sleep. Write down your thoughts and feelings. This is a freeing experience and a very creative one. Be patient with the healing process. The self is always in the process of growth. Take the obstacles out of the way and it will happen. Have faith in yourself to do this. Don’t be judgmental. Give yourself the warmth and tolerance you are always giving to others. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenaricssistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There is a common thread that runs through many marriages to narcissists, especially when rumblings of a divorce are in the air. Before the lightening strikes it is not unusual for the narcissistic spouse to have taken all of the joint assets and whisked them away. The other partner is shocked that the narcissistic husband/wife claims that he doesn’t have any money. The non-narcissistic spouse on the other end of this dreadful dilemma is left with confusion and anxiety. The spouse who has cunningly spirited away the financial assets is a master of control who knows where every penny is. This, despite the fact that he/she may be making a huge amount of money, be it through their job or through other means, like the stock market. Trading those nio shares may have paid off bigtime for them, as it can for many. Narcissists love to brag about their wealth but when it comes down to sharing it, forget it. They dole out small sums of money to the spouse, telling them how lucky they are to be leading such a fine lifestyle. They complain if you spend even a few dollars over what you are “allotted.” Some narcissistic spouses will tell their wives that they will just have to sacrifice because times are rough. Meanwhile, the narcissistic spouse is indulging himself in every way–the more the better. Narcissists are chronic liars and betrayers—This is immutable. You cannot change these characteristics and don’t try to discuss these matters with them. They will go into projection mode and blame everything on you. Every horrible thing that ever happened to them is your fault. You don’t want to stir this up. You might not even need to stir–narcissists are projecting their venom all of the time.

Besides the financial matters, the narcissist is psychologically and emotionally eclipsing your life. With constant irrational demands, volcanic rages, criticisms that cut you to the quick and phoney crying jags–why would you waste the rest of your life with this person. Your vitality is sapped; your creative gifts are lying fallow; your sleep is disrupted. You have no inner peace.

If you decide the marriage is no longer working with the narcissist (and they don’t) create your own plan well in advance of any statements about a separation or a divorce. Make sure that you have access to all of the information about your shared finances. I have heard too many times about women in particular that have been married to a narcissistic man for decades and who didn’t know how much money was coming in from her spouse’s wages, investment or properties. Many women are financially independent today and that is terrific. But in so many instances I hear very sad stories about women who are left with no means of support. They have a few rough choices. They can remain in the hellish marriage to the narcissist or they can leave with a paltry sum of money and start all over. Many of these women are well up in age and it would be very difficult for them to find a job that will sustain them. Be wise. Beat the narcissistic spouse at his/her own game. When you have hints or intuitions that the marriage is going south, start doing your research into the finances. Before that make sure that you have as much access to community property as your narcissistic spouse. Narcissists are cunning; they can “smell” divorce papers coming. So be clever, wake up, create your plan of action in detail. Talk with an expert attorney who knows how these conniving individuals operate and how divorce law works. Become highly informed. This way you have an edge on this man or woman who will leave you (and your children) with nothing as he moves on to his next big business deal and another woman (or man) whom he will engage in the same treacherous dance. Money plays a huge part in some marriages, especially if one spouse has more than the other, or is the only one working during that time. In some cases, after getting divorced, the spouse who has access to social security benefits may have to provide financial support for the other through social security. The rules on divorce and Social Security are varied and depends on each situation, they must be gone over with by an attorney and the professionals who deal with government benefits. You can get out of this marriage, but you can also get some help along the way, it could be what you deserve after all these years.

Recognize your value as an individual. Keep yourself healthy–physically, psychologically and emotionally. Don’t wait for the narcissist to change. That is not going to happen—ever. These folks are great actors and they are clever at drawing you back in. Don’t buy it. Once you know who the narcissist is, decide if you can tolerate sharing your life with this person or if it is time for you to make the move to sever the so-called partnership. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

It is remarkable that some extraordinary individuals survive their narcissistic families. With a narcissistic mother as matriarch and a favorite narcissistic daughter who is her top lieutenant, it becomes impossible for the other children to have the psychological space and peace to grow and become accepted for themselves. Non-narcissistic brothers and sisters are both dismissed and severely punished. Behind the closed gates and doors of the narcissistic family, horrible deeds occur. The narcissistic mother exploits her children–That is the “relationship”. Those who are favored by mother are adored, indulged and given no limits–including physical and emotional abuse they perpetrate upon the younger children. A budding narcissist in this kind of perverse family constellation is often highly sadistic–taking pleasure from the pain he/she inflicts on a brother or sister. In some egregious situations, mother narcissist joins in on the abuse, even laughing and making fun of a child who is being terrorized, who is hysterical and being hurt both physically and emotionally. In some cases there is an unspoken pact between the favorite narcissistic child and the mother that cannot be broken. This union is highly pathological and represents a crime against the children who are victims. Children who grow up in these environments learn to survive by going along with the horror occurring inside of their homes every day. Often the father is psychologically weak and will turn a blind eye to the abuse perpetrated on his children by the narcissistic matriarch. These ugly confrontations by the narcissistic mother and the golden children occur frequently. Children victimized are terrified of going home. They dread what will happen to them when they close their front door and are in the midst of a chamber of horrors when anything can happen. With some children–violence begets violence and some of the brothers and sisters become physically and psychologically abusive to the other children. Everything is kept secret from the public image of the narcissistic matriarch. She is well respected in her social or church group. Her neighbors look upon her favorably. The narcissist is a consummate actor who publicly waxes sublime about how much she loves her children. She brags about how brilliant and special they are. She plays the role of devoted mother to the hilt. And most people believe her—This is astounding but true.

For many children of narcissistic matriarchs the time of reckoning comes. These children feel themselves faltering. They can no longer take the extreme abuse, the constant lies and accusations, the beatings in some cases, the unending humiliations. They make the decision to leave this very sick family. Some of them marry to escape the war zone. Others simply leave the hell home and struggle to find their way to become independent and free of this mire of psychopathology. Some children never escape and spend their lives as victims of the sadistic narcissistic matriarch and her cruel narcissistic adult children.

Those who save themselves are to be deeply commended. You have made the break. You have changed your life path. You have prevailed as an individual. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Some families have generations of narcissists who seem to pop up everywhere. There is no narcissistic gene but it is amazing to discover how they proliferate in some families. Those of you who have been emotionally and psychologically abused by narcissists in your family understand all to well.

You think of a grandmother as a loving, open and helpful person. Someone who extends herself to take care of your children–a person of great integrity–someone who can always be counted on. Enter the narcissistic grandmother and watch out. Narcissistic grannies are on a power trip that won’t stop. They may be deep into their seventies or eighties or even older but that doesn’t stop their malevolent deeds. Besides they have an advantage–they can play the super senior call. “Why would anyone pick on me. I’ve given my life to this family and what do I get, a lot of damn abuse–ungrateful children and grandchildren.” This is grandma’s skillfully honed act. (Most grandmothers are terrific. Many of them are raising their children’s kids. They are kind, highly competent, strong and have great wisdom. Many of them have important careers and many accomplishments). I am talking about the highly pathological narcissistic grandmother who runs everyone into the ground, except her pet people who are her followers and servants.

Many of these grandmothers are holding the purse strings–they control the family assets that have been accumulated. So family members feel beholden to them to get their share of the monies and properties during Grannie’s life and afterward. Children and grandchildren are treated like servants in Her Presence. Everyone is expected to be highly differential to this woman of stone or else you will be cut out of the will or lose face in the family and be exiled forever. NGs set one generations against another, brother against brother, sister against sister by telling cascades of lies constantly. She is the puppet master–a sinister trickster–playing games with the emotional and psychological well being the members of her family. Many members are in for the long haul despite all of the abuse they must take. How can they be sure that this unempathic cruel woman will ever do anything for them. After all, she plays favorites all of the time. These grannies love play “unpredictable” and causing apprehension and fear. They glory in watching everyone jump when she opens her mouth.

You have a choice with a narcissistic grannie. You can sever the relationship or let your life be eclipsed or even ruined by this prevaricating ruthless sadistic human being. You might say:”She will mellow; she is getting older.” Oh, contrarie! As narcissistic grannies advance in age they tighten up their hands and absolutely will not help or give. They must have everything for themselves and their favored children and grandchildren. For them a relationship is about money and property not feelings, love, loyalty, kindness, devotion. These words are not part of their vocabulary.

You have a decision to make. You can stay part of this ugly play written by NG or you can sever the relationship with this malicious narcissist. Leaving these family arrangements even the worst of them is difficult but not impossible. A time will come when you realize that you cannot let someone –a cold narcissist to trample on your life or your children’s or spouse. The game is over for you. You know that you have great individual worth inside yourself. You are genuine and have integrity. You will make the break despite what the rest of the family thinks of you. What matter is how you measure yourself, your growth, creativity and the genuine relationship you have with your close family. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many children of narcissists have played the scapegoat role in order to survive childhood. This is chronically hurtful, painful and demeaning to a child. When other siblings are representing a narcissistic supply to the parent, these kids are shoved in a corner, told they are worthless, even that they were never wanted and should have been an abortion—Yes I have heard this more than once—It is despicable.

Surprisingly, many of these children find their way. They survive by keeping out of target range. Some of them spend large amounts of time with the families of friends. Others engage in solitary activities—spending time in the library, fantasy games, spending healing time with Nature, creating imaginary friends, drawing, painting, computers, writing, etc. They have creative gifts and are using them. They still take the blows of their dreadful “parents” and the budding narcissistic brothers and sisters who torture them with cruel words and threats. If this child is fortunate he has a brother or sister who protects him by communicating that he loves this person and will always be there for him.

One of the greatest days is the one when you decide you are a victim of your narcissistic parent no more. You will take no more abuse no matter what the consequences. Some young adults leave their home, go it alone and find their way. It is very difficult and frightening to be by oneself without resources but they are scrappers who are determined to make it on their own. As they grow into adulthood they recognize that they were placed into the middle of a psychological cesspool. They have left the toxic stew of the narcissistic family. We congratulate them. They have left a dreadful prison. Those set free spend time healing themselves psychologically. Many find help from excellent therapists. (A piece of advice–Be very discerning about the therapist you choose—Some psychotherapists are narcissists and will project their unconscious feelings and thoughts on to you. It’s worth taking the time to find a great therapist). Standing at the top of the hill, you have won the battle. You are strong despite the scars of your wounds. Feeling those old scars is empowering. Don’t expect other people to understand where you are coming from unless they have been through life and death battles of their own. Most individuals are in deep delusion and only want to hear “happy talk”, phony superficial chatter. You are on a road less traveled. Celebrate!!! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissitinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.

Many women and some men speak about their traumatic and turbulent marriages to narcissists. Some of them have been married to these individuals for decades and continue to return to this abusive environment. The narcissistic spouse makes empty promises often after one of these egregious blow-ups. He might even cry and tell you what a horrible person he has been. Now he is so sorry and he desperately wants to change. He will even go into therapy to get professional guidance. ( If a narcissist goes into therapy it is for a very short time and changing himself is not the motive.)

Narcissistic spouses stray frequently and find various partners–often more than one at a time. Wives often suspect this but put it out of their minds as too painful to acknowledge. They rationalize and say—“It’s just my imagination–it couldn’t be true.” “I know he loves me.”

If you don’t go by the narcissist’s stringent rules, he/she will punish you and if you refuse to bow to his will, he will threaten to leave you and take all of the assets. This is enough to scare a lot of spouses,especially if they have been married to one of the pariah’s for a long period of time. In some cases there has been physical abuse perpetrated by the narcissist. Mostly it is a constant barrage of criticism, humiliations, barked orders, perpetual disappoint with you because you are not perfect like him. At times the narcissist goes his own way and threatens divorce, leaving you alone for weeks at a time while he is on business trips. When he returns, you are still walking on pins and needles, wondering if he is serious about a separation. Women who are financially independent often have great difficulty deciding to sever the relationship with their narcissistic spouse. They have become accustomed to the abuse. Sometimes it is a familiar reprise of their victimization as children. Beneath it all, they don’t feel worthy of someone who is empathic and kind to them.

There comes a time for many non-narcissistic spouses when they make the decision that they cannot and will not play the back and forth recycling game of the narcissistic spouse. This time they have had more than enough. They quietly make their plans without revealing them to the narcissistic spouse. They make sure that their personal finances are in order and plan their separation from this non-partner. Some of them fair well with skilled psychotherapy, the help of their friends and family and finally a focus on their own lives– professional and personal. They realize that they deserve to be respected, to live with inner peace and to utilize all of their creative gifts to the utmost. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com