Covert Narcissists—Doing their Dirty Work in Secret

When we think of narcissists the grandiose, man or woman of the hour, magnetic figure comes into our minds. Certainly there are many highly successful narcissists who fit this description.

There is another kind of narcissist I call covert whom most people would never think possesses the same fixed and destructive psychopathology as his extroverted relative. Coverts are always under cover. They appear to be meek. We see them blending into the background–always at our service. Some of them drip with compliments to us. They become instant followers. They are full of compliments They ask us questions that make us look very smart. Their body gestures are humble and self-effacing. They appear to be embarrassed by their own presence.

Covert narcissists are very sneaky. They get as much inside personal information they can about you.. They put this in their back pocket so they can use it on you later when they decide to make a power move and wipe you out. They thread themselves closer and closer into your life. This happens in many romantic relationships. The CV has done some research and realizes quickly that you are a great catch—short or long range–a week, a month or even a marriage. Coverts like to see their plans become successful. This is all done with deliberately. Narcissists don’t love anyone–always remember, they are incapable of any real real feelings for another human being that denotes affection, love, caring, etc. With their quiet ways, they draw you in. You may even feel sorry for the CV who is making a play for you He or she is awkward and you think this is innocent and charming. Finally you fall hard, especially if the intimacy card is well played. If you are just coming off of a painful divorce and breakup, all the better for the CV. You are very vulnerable.

The CV treats you like royalty–Anything you want honey? I’m here for you 24/7. This is so appealing to most women. “What a selfless kind person this is?” “Finally, someone I can trust.” None of this is true but you don’t know that yet. Months go by and everything is wonderfully intense and exciting. Not long and the marriage plans are made. After you have been together for a while you start to notice that the sarcastic remarks are pointed at you more frequently, the accusations are coming more rapidly; you see his lips curl more often. But then he’s all sweetness again and you are thrown off. He tells you a story that you believe. He has been having a rough time financially—some bad breaks due to unscrupulous people that took advantage of him. You believe him and give him access to your private bank accounts. They are placed in both of your names. He has already researched your family’s monetary worth and becomes very chummy with your parents. They trust him completely as well. Time moves forward but the nature of the narcissist does not change. You are being betrayed and keep making excuses for his lack of attention to you, his dismissiveness. One day when you least suspect it, he decides you are causing him too much stress and the answer is a divorce. You can’t believe it but it is true. You have been set up all of this time. He hires a very tough attorney and fights you cunningly. As a result he ends up with half of all the assets. Weeks later in the aftermath while you are wiped out from the horror of this experience, he has flown out of town on the winds–of course with the goods he intended to take from you minutes after he met and seduced you. This happens frequently with CVs. They have such great cover and a masterful act. To protect yourself from the covert narcissist, research the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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Stop Your Narcissistic Mother from Haunting You

Narcissistic mothers are ubiquitous and that is a mild comment about them. When we are little they either ignore us completely, devastate us with their cruel comments (worse than a slap in the face) undermine our imaginations by destroying all of our spoken words and making us prisoners of their ever-inflated egos. After we grow up they are still on our minds. When will they “pop’ in on us and start the interrogation about our most private lives. When will the criticisms and accusations begin. How will we defend ourselves against the barrage of abuse that they throw at us unrelentingly. They answer is never—-as long as we maintain contact with them. Narcissists never stop their efforts to bring us down unless we are their golden children that they turn into narcissists–these are false grandiose selves who go on to hurt every person in their lives.

Even after mother has died many still suffer as if she is a living presence. There are the memories of her countless cruelties; the opportunities that we had that she destroyed; the way she dashed our hopes and dreams when we were children; the way she betrayed us with our fathers (who loved us but were too weak emotionally and too afraid to buck her).

You can stop the haunting by your narcissistic mother—Only you can do this. It is not easy since mothers for good or ill have a profound impact on the development of our psyches. But remember, you are an individual although her DNA runs through your blood. You are not your mother and you are not a narcissist. That is what I tell so many people who contact me. They believe that they are narcissists. That is most likely untrue.

As long as you hold on to the “relationship” with mother you cannot be yourself–completely. That is one of the goals of our lives–to manifest our individuality with our unique gifts in this lifetime. We cannot wait for a magical shift to take place. Time is going by. You are not your mother. You are not responsible for what she did or didn’t do for or to you. When you were very little you were a prisoner of the NM. This wasn’t your fault; it was something that happened to you. You cannot change that. What you can do is understand this serious personality disorder and recognize that you re a separate human being of great value.
There are many ways of getting in touch with your real self. Learn how to go inside with brief meditations. Be as consistent as you can. Be nonjudgmental. If you miss a day or a week or a month,you can always get back to your practice. It is waiting for you. Some people use spontaneous writing as a way to use their imaginations and to be with themselves in a special way. Be sure to exercise–dance if you can or walk –Do what you can to take advantage of the endorphins that flow and are part of the calming parasympathetic nervous system of healing.

Don’t be judgmental–be self kind and patient. When you hear the negative self talk, take a breath and a break. Give yourself credit for the human being you have become. To learn about every facet from the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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You Are Not Crazy—Narcissistic Spouse is Projecting His Venom

We all project unconscious feelings, thoughts and impulses at various times. If we are self aware we are capable of acknowledging at least to ourselves that what we said to someone was more about what was coming out of our unconscious then about them. We made a flip or cruel remark that spontaneously ejected out of our mouth on to them When we can catch these projections, acknowledge them to ourselves and to those on whom they are aimed, then we have made great progress in become more aware, more awake.

The narcissist is in a constant state of projecting in various forms. He/she is grandiose, telling us in every way how wonderful he is. This is the positive side of the projection. Narcissists always have one way non conversations–monologues on their decorative stages. In many cases, if they are highly successful and magnetic they garner quite an audience.

In private in particular narcissists are continually spewing their nasty projections on those closest to them. They are unstoppable. They have completely tuned you out. You don’t exist and if you do you are only one of their possessions. Listening to one of these individuals day and night as a spouse is intolerable. Some wives and husbands blame themselves for these verbal assaults. What’s the matter with me? I must be kinder, more patient, more helpful and on and on. That is not what is happening. The narcissist uses primitive unconscious projections to rid himself of the toxic contents of his psyche which he cannot bear. Beneath the surface of the perfect facade, deep within, this person is empty, full of rage and self loathing. But he is not consciously in touch with this. You Are—-because you are with him or her behind closed doors. Others in his circle of business and personal acquaintances never see this Mr Hyde presentation. He must protect his image above all.

Remember that when you think you are going crazy while your narcissistic spouse is on one of his tirades and accusation runs—-it is what he or she is doing, not you. You are the unfortunate recipient of this verbal excrement. Protect yourself by learning about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Take good care of yourself. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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Choose Wholeness and Healing after Surviving Narcissistic Family

Growing up in a narcissistic family is one of the toughest life pathways. When we are very young we don’t know exactly what is wrong. We feel insecure and unhappy and frightened much of the time. Some children in these families feel isolated surrounded by their narcissistic families. These are families in name only. Narcissists are incapable of genuine relationships. Children are used as narcissistic supplies that provide a powerful enchanted image for the narcissistic parents. If the children are attractive, bright, have talents, these can all be used as a source of powerful narcissistic supply for the parents. Many narcissistic parents no no effort to raise their children. They can’t be bothered. They are too busy with their careers, social lives, traveling, having parties and keeping their physical image at a high state of perfection. Looking great takes a lot of time, especially if we insist on being impeccable and that is what many narcissists focus on–how beautiful, flawless, elegant they appear. Narcissists do absolutely no work on their inner selves. They have no conscious access to their person. They are incapable of having an internal life. They will never know themselves. Rather they spend tremendous energy impressing people about how superior and wonderful they are.

Children who survive the narcissistic family are to be commended. They have achieved a harrowing journey and come through as real individuals. What a feat!. After you extricate yourself from this toxic family allow yourself time to heal. Some adult children participate in high quality psychotherapy which helps them to re-orient themselves and recognize what they have been through and who their family really is—highly narcissistic and toxic. They do the work of healing and begin to individuate from these pathological people who are parents and siblings in name only. Be patient with your healing. Many find that forms of meditations, gentle yoga, tai chi, your choice of exercise as well as creative pursuits and finding great friends is all part of the healing process that brings you into your own. Now you are free to define yourself, to recognize that you are a loving human beings capable of empathy and capable of emotional intimacy. You find friends and a support system who help to support you. You are evolving toward becoming your real self. Celebrate your great achievement. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation:United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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Stop Making Excuses for Narcissistic Spouse’s Abominable Behavior

Many people repeat the traumas and horrors of childhood by marrying individuals who are highly abusive, explosive, cruel, cold, manipulative and duplicitous. Those who survived the wars of abusive childhoods don’t always escape from this gross mistreatment in adulthood. Many start the cycle again by marrying a narcissist. Eventually, despite his charm, allure, accomplishments and smooth talk, you will be faced with the real nature of the narcissist you have married. He will start critically picking at you for no reason. One moment he is telling you how wonderful you are. In the next he is pointing the finger at some small mistake or oversight or better yet, inventing terrible character flaws that you have that exist only in his deluded mind. You are confused; you take the blame. You are confused. You might even think that you are mentally unbalanced. Narcissists love to tell their spouses that they are not thinking clearly. It is a clever cruel accusation. There is something about being told that we are not in our right minds that strikes a chord that has a mighty charge. Narcissists are incapable in introspection but they know like a great predator just when and where to strike. Narcissists are dirty underhanded players. They constantly lie to their spouses. They convince you they are loyal and they have their eyes all over the place. They tell you they are flat broke and they have bulging hidden bank accounts. They tell you they are spiritual and they spend most of their time, cheating other people. In fact the narcissist cheats you out of your life.

If you are a kind person your tendency is to make constant excuses for the narcissist. Many spouses are terrified of being on their own. Others expect the incoming fire of abuse since they have been accustomed to this since childhood—It is all too familiar. When we have been in a constant psychological war of survival since birth, there is a tendency to repeat this pattern in other relationships.

There comes a time for many victims of marital narcissistic abuse—a reckoning–when the spouse can no longer and will not take it any more. It is over. The fork in the road has come. The deep intuition of the victim has been telling the abused spouse over and over again to sever the relationship and finally the message has been heard. Many spouses listen and follow up on this knowledge. It is not easy; it is challenging but they make the break from the narcissistic spouse. This is a great victory, a necessary and positive change in a life that now begins anew. I have seen this happen many times. It is different for each individual. The freedom of mind and heart and the creativity that springs forth and the making of new friendships and other real relationships is waiting at the end of this process. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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Don’t Let Narcissistic Spouse Psychologically Detour Your Life

Narcissists are always seeking what they want and must have. They zone in on people who will get them to the winner’s circle. Whether it is money, power, sexual attraction, stealing your creative ideas—the narcissist is always there to take from you. Narcissists are craven–They feed off of others. It is part of their nature to bring you into their psychological sphere with their charm, promises and allure, to use up all that you have to offer and then to disregard you. This is an all too familiar pattern. It is important to understand that no matter what they promise—whether it is material comfort, financial stability, making your dreams come true—they will in the end fail you and worse they can make your life a living hell day and night. This is as predictable as phases of the Moon. It ‘s only a matter of when the dark side of the narcissist will show the horrific side he has hidden from you. Often there are hints even in the beginning. You will notice the need to control you, to want everything to look perfect–including you. You will observe the demands that the narcissist makes on other people whom he intimidates.

If you stay with the narcissist you are in some way taking a detour from your own life. Some spouses manage to create a zone of detachment around themselves for protection. But is this an authentic, loving relationship?

Those who decide that they must lead their own lives, grow psychologically and emotionally on their own terms and expand their creative gifts in freedom, take the step toward divorce. This can be daunting since narcissists are very clever at hiding assets, blaming everything that went wrong with the marriage on you, and telling relatives and friends outlandish lies about you. Those who believe them are not your supportive relatives or your friends. Nevertheless, I have seen many partners make this decision and move through the process of freeing themselves. They have endured and prevailed. They are now directing their own lives and discovering that they are moving forward toward greater individuation and the use of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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Narcissistic Spouses Make You Feel Badly About Yourself

No one can make us feel one way or the other. It is up to us to know who we are—positive and negative. This is how we evolve as individuals. When you are married to a narcissist, your life is taken over by a powerful, controlling negative personality. The spouse may be very upbeat, friendly and charming at times. He or she make plans. They tell you how much they love and care about you. These are the “good times” with the narcissist and usually occur in the beginning of the relationship. The narcissist’s mood can change in a flash. He or she can flip and become Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde at any moment. These quick changes are due to what is happening inside of the narcissist’s psyche. The narcissist doesn’t understand himself at all. He has massive defense mechanisms that he uses to unconsciously project his self hatred on to those closest to him–wives and children, and in some instances co-workers. Deep inside the narcissist is psychologically empty. He must constantly go out into the external environment to seek praise and adulation to feel more grandiose and superior.

Most often if you are married to a narcissist you are psychologically embattled most of the time. This person is continually telling you that you are defective, stupid, incompetent and their favorite word, crazy. Even when you know one hundred percent that you are not crazy, this kind of accusation can be very frightening. Actually the narcissist is telling us a lot about the chaos in his own mind.

If you were psychologically abused as a child or had narcissistic parents (which always means a form of abuse) you are likely to internalize these cruel comments and feel badly about yourself. Studying the narcissistic personality disorder is the beginning of your freedom and feeling differently about yourself. You will make the psychological separation from his/her psychopathology and yourself. You are not perfect–no one is–but you do not deserve to be the object of the narcissist’s primitive projections. They do not belong to you. They are all about the narcissist. You will begin to unravel this puzzle and release yourself from the pain you have endured so long. I know you can do it. You deserve to live in freedom, inner peace and to use all of your unique gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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Narcissists Seek to Destroy Those Who Get in Their Way

Today we are surrounded by narcissists–in the media, entertainment, among our neighbors, acquaintances, in medicine, in psychiatry and psychology, in “spirituality”, the culture of many corporations. In the years since Christopher Lasch wrote his brilliant prescient work The Culture of Narcissism (1978) we are experiencing his predictions. We have arrived—-in the Narcissistic Culture. Long ago Lasch knew what would happen to many “relationships” –“Personal relations founded on reflected glory, on the need to admire and be admired, prove fleeting and insubstantial.” The narcissist demands that you are a mirror of his or her perfection. Many people follow the narcissist’s lead because he is holding the power, the force of personality, the delusion that you can become as overly confident, self entitled, as deceptive and exploitive as this person. We discover today that so much of career climbing to the top is based on being ruthless and amoral. This is becoming more the rule than the exception. “Work hard and play by the rules”—Really??? That doesn’t fit with the narcissistic style. In so many corporate venues it is those who are very attractive physically if not drop dead gorgeous–male and female, combined with blind ambition and a willingness to let others falter and fall by the wayside, who reach the highest positions within a corporate structure. These individuals operate without conscience. If someone doesn’t fit into their singular plan of victory, the narcissist will do everything possible to kick this person out of the way, even if this causes horrible distress and financial instability to them—They say to themselves: “You are weak and worthless; get out of my way. I have no obstacles, boundaries or limits. Get between me and my goal and I will annihilate you.” There are still extraordinary corporations and the people in all levels who work for them who have outstanding characters and who still work very hard and maintain the highest level of conscience and concern for the welfare of others.

On a personal level narcissists within the family–spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings–are making the lives of family members miserable, unbearable and bleak. I hear many life stories of those who were trapped in a narcissistic family and who had to survive by going along with the perfect mirroring , criticisms, intimidations and complete injustice of their situations. They have suffered greatly. I don’t think that most people understand, unless they have experienced the malicious face of a mother or father narcissist, know what this does to a child every single day. Know that these cruelties exist and that they are malevolent and in some cases, evil. That is not too strong of a word to describe the psychological damage sustained by many children raised by a narcissistic parent or a narcissistically abused spouse or sibling. These victims are telling the exact truth. Believe them.

Human nature is both sublime and very dark. Narcissists dwell within the prisons of their own psychopathology and that is a tragedy. But the damage that they do to others is incalculable. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand who this person is. Forget the external image–it is fleeting and meaningless. This is the world’s superficial appraisal. It is part of the delusion that has become even more prevalent than at any other time in recent western history. Facade has now become reality–That’s what we are being told constantly.

Pay attention to what is deep inside of you–your intuitions and insights that come quickly with the truth. When you call upon these gifts, you cannot be compromised or vanquished. You are riding with the truth throughout your life, gaining strength, psychological stamina, spiritual steadiness and laser focus. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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Severing Relationships with Narcissistic sister-in-laws

Many individuals have been married for some time before they discover they have an impossible narcissistic in-law. Most of us take people the way that they present themselves. If your spouse has a sister who has an intolerable personality it can be very difficult to decide how to interact with these individuals. As a couple it is essential that you protect your marital relationship. I have heard many stories of narcissistic in-laws who made the lives of the other families very uncomfortable and awkward. If you are recently married it can be challenging to mention that you husband’s sister is constantly snipping at you, gossiping about you to her friends and family members and treating you coldly when not in public. Many family members will believe the in-law if she is charming and highly convincing. This in-law is often jealous of you. She doesn’t not want you to be a member of the family and lays the groundwork for gossiping about you, telling lies about your family background and using other forms of damaging your character. All of these claims on based on lies and vindictiveness. You and your spouse must join together to resolve this problem. The narcissistic in-law is not going to change. Ask you spouse to read the research you have studied on the narcissistic personality. Work as a team. In the beginning it may be difficult for the sibling of the narcissist to acknowledge that she is highly disturbed and causing psychological pain and deep strains and unhappiness in the family. Make sure your spouse is on your side. If the spouse is on your side and highly involved in helping you, your relationship is solid. There is no point to telling your narcissistic relative that he or she has a serious personality disorder. This will simply get the narcissist’s back up and can bring some sympathy to this person in the role of vicitm.

Minimize all contact with the narcissistic in-law. The less contact you have with this person’s toxic projections, the better Discuss strategies with your spouse. Make sure that this person understands the seriousness of this disorder. Do not be concerned if other family members do not understand. In many cases they will wonder why you are not spending more time with this in-law. keep your own counsel and follow what is best for you and your immediate family. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

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Emasulated Narcissistic Men Fear and Despise Women

Narcissistic men, especially those that know how to turn on the charm and male provocativeness on a moment’s notice appear to do very well with women in the romantic department. This is particularly true if they are successful in business or their profession. If they are physically attractive and in addition have that over-confident sparkle, women are drawn to them like honey. They have their pick of women and use it to their fullest advantage. However, they are incapable of forming a genuine relationship with a woman or anyone else.
Many narcissistic men, especially those who are golden boys of their narcissistic mothers are emasculated. They have psychologically fused with the mother very early and as a result mama own them. They were molded as very young boys, adored by the narcissistic mother, told they were superior and could do no wrong, allowed to be very cruel to their siblings and school mates and given no sense of limits. With some of these mothers there is an erotic tie between mother and son that the mother perpetuates. She chooses her son over her husband as an object of her female attention. These scenarios are not literally acted out but the psychological fusion is powerful. The narcissistic son is owned by his mother–she is his psychological partner.
This boy and then adult male cannot release himself from mother or his own narcissism. Deep inside he both fears and hates women. This, despite every woman he has seduce or claimed to love. This narcissistic maternal tie remains unbroken. Women married to these men are treated with psychological abuse—screaming rages, humiliations, accusations, threats and horrendous projections, are in a constant state of fear.

In many cases the spouse recognizes that she can no longer take this abuse, researches the narcissistic personality and recognizes that her narcissistic husband will always belong to mama.

Women who leave their emasculated narcissistic spouses are greatly relieved and move toward leading their own lives. Many of them find genuine men who are capable of loving women and sharing their lives with them. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

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