Narcissistic mothers are ubiquitous and that is a mild comment about them. When we are little they either ignore us completely, devastate us with their cruel comments (worse than a slap in the face) undermine our imaginations by destroying all of our spoken words and making us prisoners of their ever-inflated egos. After we grow up they are still on our minds. When will they “pop’ in on us and start the interrogation about our most private lives. When will the criticisms and accusations begin. How will we defend ourselves against the barrage of abuse that they throw at us unrelentingly. They answer is never—-as long as we maintain contact with them. Narcissists never stop their efforts to bring us down unless we are their golden children that they turn into narcissists–these are false grandiose selves who go on to hurt every person in their lives.
Even after mother has died many still suffer as if she is a living presence. There are the memories of her countless cruelties; the opportunities that we had that she destroyed; the way she dashed our hopes and dreams when we were children; the way she betrayed us with our fathers (who loved us but were too weak emotionally and too afraid to buck her).
You can stop the haunting by your narcissistic mother—Only you can do this. It is not easy since mothers for good or ill have a profound impact on the development of our psyches. But remember, you are an individual although her DNA runs through your blood. You are not your mother and you are not a narcissist. That is what I tell so many people who contact me. They believe that they are narcissists. That is most likely untrue.
As long as you hold on to the “relationship” with mother you cannot be yourself–completely. That is one of the goals of our lives–to manifest our individuality with our unique gifts in this lifetime. We cannot wait for a magical shift to take place. Time is going by. You are not your mother. You are not responsible for what she did or didn’t do for or to you. When you were very little you were a prisoner of the NM. This wasn’t your fault; it was something that happened to you. You cannot change that. What you can do is understand this serious personality disorder and recognize that you re a separate human being of great value.
There are many ways of getting in touch with your real self. Learn how to go inside with brief meditations. Be as consistent as you can. Be nonjudgmental. If you miss a day or a week or a month,you can always get back to your practice. It is waiting for you. Some people use spontaneous writing as a way to use their imaginations and to be with themselves in a special way. Be sure to exercise–dance if you can or walk –Do what you can to take advantage of the endorphins that flow and are part of the calming parasympathetic nervous system of healing.
Don’t be judgmental–be self kind and patient. When you hear the negative self talk, take a breath and a break. Give yourself credit for the human being you have become. To learn about every facet from the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.