Dispossessed–Children of Narcissistic Mothers

The child of a narcissistic mother has no home, whether he or she lives in a humble flat or a mansion. When mother is bonded to her child, she has a special union with this tiny human being. From the beginning a baby and young child either feels secure or insecure. Feeling protected and cared for begins very early.

Narcissistic mothers are unable to nurture, protect, be attuned to or open their hearts to their children. They are obsessed with themselves. Even when they are going about feeding and taking care of their babie’s needs, this is done mechanically without feeling, tenderness or any kind of emotional contact. I have heard life stories of many children of narcissistic mothers say that the woman who was supposed to welcome them into her arms, pushed them away, avoided their tears, their smiles, their pain as if they were not present. These women did the minimum that was needed to keep the baby fed and clean. In some instances the narcissistic mother didn’t offer a basic level of care. She ignored her baby for hours at a time while the little one screamed at the top of his lungs, then gasped and finally fell asleep in total exhaustion. As a result there was no bonding to mother. She was like a statue–look but do not touch. There was no warm flesh to hold, no eye contact, no response to sorrow or pain, no help when the small child felt desperate and alone.

Children of narcissistic mothers are Dispossessed–they have no psychological home or any sense of emotional security.In many cases there are mother substitutes who come to the rescue. Often it is the other parent, an aunt, grandmother, a nanny who is capable of giving the child the affection, emotional sense of security and safety that he needs.

Some children of narcissistic mothers spend many of the growing up years trying to make up for the mother love they never received. Many of them repeat the pattern of being treated badly by marrying a narcissist. When that doesn’t work some of them go on to wed another narcissist.

Others are determined to heal themselves. They benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing modalities like gentle yoga, meditation and the pursuit of their creative gifts. Often these children are highly empathic and are involved with professions that involve helping individuals who are suffering psychologically and emotionally.

Adult children of narcissistic mothers have traveled a difficult road to wholeness. We congratulate you–You have made it against many odds. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Are Great Liars

Narcissists lie to everyone, including themselves. If a narcissist is highly successful and socially smooth he/she can lie as easily as he breathes. When most people lie you can perceive certain downward eye movements, twitching of the mouth, wide eyed looks, blinking, body movements that indicate discomfort.When a clever narcissist lies he looks right into your eyes and tells you with every inflection of his voice, every crinkle of his lids, the direct glance that doesn’t avert that he is telling you the truth. These people are beyond good–They are masters of every type of lie you can imagine.Along with this is no sense of guilt or regret. If you are married to a narcissist you have been lied to incessantly.If you are the sibling of a narcissist, he or she never tells the truth.If you are the child of a narcissist you never could believe what dad or mom said because you were being manipulated by falsehood. Narcissists are incapable of real relationships because they are duplicitous,completely self absorbed, extremely self entitled and have no conscience.They lie by commission and omission. They lie because it is convenient. They lie to maintain their power over you.

Once you have studied the narcissistic personality you will recognize these traits in your spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father or sibling. You will then understand why you have had such a painful time with this person even though he or she is a member of your family.This provides you with valuable knowledge and the power to make a decision if you want to continue a pseudo relationship with someone who cannot be genuine in any way. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Trapped in the Narcissistic Vortex–Spouses of Narcissists

Narcissists know what and whom they want. They marry those who will keep them filled with narcissistic supplies. Their qualifications for spouse include: include physical beauty, professional achievements, polished social skills, impressive family credentials, a compliant temperament and willingness to absorb inordinate amounts of narcissistic abuse: full throated volcanic rage, blatant lying and withering humiliations (public and private). Taking orders is another role of the non-narcissistic spouse. Delusional narcissistic demands flow endlessly.

A vortex is a gravitational pull that draws you into its center–It can be a way of life that is “irresistibly engulfing.” The narcissist is the central force in his life. He charms and magnetizes those he has chosen to become his human possessions. Narcissists don’t have marital relationships since they are incapable of emotional intimacy or empathy. They are consummate actors who play the role of bringing you into their vortex. They display tremendous skill in impressing and wooing you to become part of their lives. Successful narcissists use their power in the world, their connections and lifestyle with all of its seductive trappings to seal the deal. Those who are taken in by the narcissist believe that they have found someone who can make them feel financially secure and important as an elite member of the narcissist’s inner circle. These pseudo relationships work on a surface level if you have one narcissist marrying another. In this case they have made a deal that will feed both of them with narcissistic supplies.

In the case where a partner has fallen for a narcissist and is unaware of his severe psychopathology, there is entrapment in the narcissistic vortex. This individual’s life and talents are eclipsed by the long shadow of the narcissistic spouse. The narcissist takes the spouse deeper and deeper into his delusional center. Spouses who have been incapable of separating themselves out psychologically as separate individuals, are swept up and fuse with the narcissist. They equate financial status and material perks with emotional security. They are trapped in the narcissistic vortex.

Some spouses wake up, do the research about the narcissistic personality and rescue themselves. They separate out from the narcissist, break through the vortex and move forward to lead their lives in psychological, emotional, creative and spiritual freedom. Many of these individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Others find their way through friends who form a strong support group. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist’s Perfected Image–Inner Emptiness and Volcanic Rage

Narcissists are always working on their external image—their faces, clothing, accessories, homes, cars, etc. Part of this image that they constantly announce to the world is the perfection of their wives and children. After all they must be on display as a mirror of the narcissist’s perfection. Children who are attractive, talented and bright are highly prized by the narcissist since they are indicative of his/her superiority and extraordinary image in the world. Narcissists are about the surface of reality not the internal meaning. They are clever at manipulated other people, especially their spouses and children, but this is their extreme cunning not any intellectual, psychololgical or emotional depth. The narcissist suffers from an unconscious psychological emptiness. This is often demonstrated in his frequent bouts of vituperative rage. re famous for their volcanic rage which flows out of them and on to their spouses in particular with great fury. This noxious rage is projected on to spouses like an attack of snake venom. What is happening here is that the toxic contents of the narcissist’s unconscious are vomited out on to the victim—spouses, ex-spouses, children. The outer world gives the narcissist a pass especially if he is very successful and prominent. The other reason is that the narcissist plays his good guy magnetic hero role to the hilt in public, including church, business and socially. When a spouse complains to anyone, she is considered to ungrateful or psychologically unbalanced.

The narcissist fools even more people during this current narcissistic age in which everything is externalized—life is a performance. What we wear, where we live, the kinds of investments we have, the brands of our clothing, our shoes, the jewelry we wear, the dewy youthfulness of our faces—–This what matters to so many in the current public mode. The media creates stars out of people who look physically gorgeous and extremely handsome. Many people are so deluded that they believe that how you look and act is the real you—They are WRONG! Trust in your true inner self. Do your research on the narcissistic personality disorder. You are meeting them every day. Recognize them quickly so that you can be self protective. You can say to yourself: ” I know who you really are. You can’t fool me or control me. I know that you project your venom on to others—Don’t try that with me. It won’t work!” To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses—Succumbing to Narcissistic Spouse’s Delusion

The narcissist lives in a complex psychopathological world, dominated by impenetrable delusions: supreme superiority to everyone, belief in his perfection, limitless self entitlement, massive denial, total lack of conscience, a drive to severely damage those who obstruct his goals.

A delusion is a series of false beliefs that the narcissist holds as his reality.Immersed in deep delusion the narcissist has no access to self truth. His psychological defenses are like reinforced layers of steel.

When you marry a narcissist it is likely that you are unaware of his true nature. You have fallen in love with a highly believable false self individual. Narcissists are often physically attractive. They are obsessed with their physical appearance and display a compelling outer image. Once they make the decision they rivet their attention on you, making you feel special, irreplaceable. Narcissists move in very quickly at the seduction game and wrap up “the deal” –the marriage—with great aplomb. The spouse of the narcissist is fully entranced. As the years go by and the abuse and cruelties mount there are rough spots. Along with these are interspersed huge upsides—money, properties, travel, the royal treatment—that always brings the prodigal partner back into the fold.

The non narcissistic spouse has lost touch with her own identity despite a successful professional career of her own. She/he dives deeper and deeper into the solid belief that material goods, high social status and worldly clout matter the most. She has the freedom to do whatever she wants.

Spouses who now are permanently attached to their narcissistic mates are belted in for the full ride. The curtain of delusion has fallen over this spouse as she fully embraces the false regressive reality, a full eclipse of her real self. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissistic Spouses Max Out Stress Levels

Covert narcissists are a rare breed whom most people believe are fine human beings. While they are showing their spiritual bonafides and everyone is buying their story and heaping on praise, you are married to this impossible person. Very few outside of the family home ever find out how psychologically toxic the covert narcissist is.

Spouses are victims of narcissistic abuse–veiled threats to ruin your reputation, constant put downs and stunning humiliations, being told that you are at fault (when it is the narcissist who has made egregious mistakes), bout after bout of Vesuvian narcissistic rage. Some spouses feel that they deserve this horrendous treatment because they think little of themselves. They have been emotionally pummeled all of their lives and don’t know the difference.

Others know that the marriage is a travesty, that they are suffering from serious symptoms of stress–They are maxed out with chronic headaches, free floating anxiety, hyper-vigilance, insomnia, intestinal discomforts and obsessive self doubt and lack of confidence.

Fortunately many of these victims finally acknowledge to themselves that they can no longer live in these dreadful, life draining circumstances. They want their psychological and physical health back and their stamina and finally, to return to themselves, their lives, their creative gifts, solitude and a promise of peace. Many sufferers of the convert narcissist study the literature and discover that they have been married to one of these severe personality disorders. Some are helped by quality psychotherapy, support groups and friends who are supportive and available at all times. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcisistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mother’s Pernicious Envy of Daughter

The narcissistic mother’s shares the stage with no one—not even her lovely daughter. There are a some NMs who choose a daughter that will mirror the mother’s perfection and who becomes her living clone. The daughter’s beauty, mental brightness and other gifts are the reason that she is chosen as the quintessential narcissistic supply to keep mother’s ego fully inflated.

Daughters who are not chosen are treated very differently. Some are discarded out of hand and neglected—left to fend for themselves from the time they are young.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers refuse to be forced to play the role that mother has written. These daughters are are often very bright, attractive and have a mind of their own. Narcissistic mothers hold a deep envy of these offspring. They view this daughter as a threat to her power and control. They are obsessively envious of the daughter who can think for herself and is not willing to play the role of clone or discard. This daughter becomes mom’s enemy. Mother fears that this child will surpass her. As she becomes older (narcissists are terrified of aging) her daughter develops into a very attractive, intelligent young woman. The narcissistic mother tries every put down, verbal ambush, humiliation in her book of cruelties. Mother starts to call her the “problem daughter” who is unstable and unpredictable, causing the entire family horrific problems. These are mental inventions on the part of the narcissistic mother’s attempt to demean and diminish her daughter’s identity.

On an unconscious level the narcissistic mother cannot deal with her feelings of emptiness and self loathing. She projects these toxic feelings on to her child. Some daughters recognize early that they are the targets of their mother’s envy and recognize the pathology of their family. Many of them spend as much time away from mother’s psychopathology as possible. Some find other female figures –teachers, aunts, grandmothers–who appreciate them for their authentic selves and give them a secure place to express their feelings and thoughts.

Many of these daughters benefit from quality psychotherapy and work through the core issues of having an envious narcissistic mother. They recognized their entitlements as unique individuals capable of using all of their creative gifts and to participate in giving and receiving love and affection–becoming the human beings they were meant to be. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–Healing Your Identity

Narcissistic mothers are intolerant and disdainful of their daughter’s individuality from the beginning. Narcissistic mothers have the same psychopathological core but different styles of “mothering.” Putting this word in parentheses is meant to convey that these women are pseudo mothers. They are incapable of deep affection, emotional bonding or allow their child to be herself. They make every attempt to impose a false persona on their daughters. Narcissistic mothers are exceedingly cruel either through neglect or abuse or a combination of the two. The force of their lives is centered around themselves. Their daughters, if they are chosen for their intellectual gifts, beauty or talent, are molded to become perfect replicas of mother. They are forced to become puppets who will mirror back to the narcissistic mother her sublime image. Narcissistic mothers don’t permit their daughters to develop their own true identities. They are insensitive to their child’s special temperament and disposition. They have no understanding that they may have a daughter who is highly sensitive and intuitive. Narcissistic mothers often make fun of and deride the daughter who is finely tuned emotionally and psychologically and who is highly empathic. They tell this daughter she is weak; she needs to toughen up and be strong. She screams at her daughter:” You are too emotional. You are overly sensitive and react to everything that happens. What’s the matter with you? You cry about the smallest things; I’m beginning to think you have severe emotional problems–and on and on.

The chosen daughter gets all of the praise and adulation because she fits into the perfect narcissistic mother mold. As long as she stays in this role she is given the nicest room, lovely clothing, social opportunities—her mother’s perpetual blessings. In conversation the narcissistic mother always talks about this splendid “star” daughter “not the other ones.”

Unchosen daughters are either forgotten and often treated very abusively. Daughters of narcissistic mothres are always the target of their mother’s primitive unconscious projections. She pours her psychological venom on to them—nonstop.

Many of these daughters grow up not knowing who they really are. Mother has rejected them. Often the father is intimidated by the NM and when push comes to shove, he relinquishes his authority and steps in line with her because he fears his formidable wife.

Some of these daughters learn very early that mother doesn’t care about them even that she is hated; that she is being cruelly pushed aside. There are daughters who secretly maintain their true identities. They turn to books, to art, to writing, to journaling, to Nature to find respite and peace and to nurture and preserve the fire of their individuality.
These daughters are true heroes. Some of them find mentors and mother substitutes—other family members–aunts, grandmothers, teachers, mothers of friends to whom they can turn to share their true selves. These women listen, take them in, understand them and nourish them.

Some daughters of NMs leave home early to escape from this psychologically poisonous environment. They learn to chart their own course. They use their unique gifts. There is a small voice inside of them that says: ” You are a unique individual who deserves respect and understanding.” “I am not my mother; I am myself and I accept and love myself.”

Sometimes the ability to see themselves this way involves going through psychotherapy with an excellent clinician. The daughter of a narcissistic mother takes a journey back to the original self. There she discovers that her horizons are unlimited, that her creative gifts are intact, that she is capable of giving and receiving love and kindness and deserves to experience deep inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses—Psychological Abuse Must Stop

Narcissistic spouses are known for taking their husbands or wives beyond the point of endurance. They don’t care one whit if you are becoming emotionally fragile, have post traumatic stress, physical symptoms–headaches, gastrointestinal problems, bouts of debilitating depression, insomnia and hundreds of others disturbances. They live strictly for themselves. In fact if you go to them for mercy and tell them you are suffering they will tell you ¬†any of the following: ” you are weak and too sensitive”, It’s all in your mind” “your imagination is too vivid” “You’re making it up to upset me” “You’re a drama queen (or king)”,”you’re mentally unbalanced” and innumerable labels and cruel retorts. How many times have you told yourself you can’t take this abuse any longer. You’re not sleeping; you are jumping with nerves every time you know you husband will be at home. You dread having to be near this person. You are always waiting for the next verbal assault–It can come any time of day or night. Some narcissistic spouses awaken their partners in the middle of the night and go on verbal rampages for hours nonstop.
A point of reckoning is to know through your research and insight that the person to whom you are married is a narcissistic personality. This individual is not going to change. You have suffered for too long and your quality of life, including your physical energy, mental focus, feelings of emotional security and concerns about your children are negatively effected by continuing in the marriage. The time has come and the decision is yours. You long to take back your own life, your own mind, your individual gifts and energies. You can decide how you want to live—starting this moment. Pay close attention to your inner self. You can leave the narcissist and lead the life that you deserve. You have that strength, faith and perseverance. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorce Narcissistic Husband—You Deserve a Real Lfe

When you are married to a narcissist you life has been commandeered by a selfish, demanding, egotistical and unempathic man. In the beginning he will dazzle you and sweep you up in his grandiose dreams. You believe them and want to share every aspect of your life with him. This is especially true if the narcissist is high-level, meaning that this person is highly gifted with charm, a keen intellect, professional success and the capacity of persuasion. These men are masters of disguise. When you meet them, you feel an automatic pull to them. Your body responds erotically to them; you can’t say no. You may hear a small voice inside telling you that this is dangerous but you override it and proceed with the romantic drama. Many women have a dream of the man who will complete or rescue them. Even women who are fiercely independent and successful in their own rights are taken off guard by these master method actors of irresistible charm. They weave you into their web. They tell you that you are the chosen one–that they have been looking for you all of their lives. They are very clever with words and nonverbal moves. They know when to rush in to cinch the deal. They are at the top of their game when they are seducing the chosen woman—You.

A few years after the wedding or even sooner, the relationship falters. The sharp barbs and sarcastic remarks directed at you becoming a daily occurrence. The times of any peace in the house lessen. You notice that you are being treated as an object—-There is no respect for you as an individual. As the months and years accrue, the venomous projections mount. You feel their sting. You are emotionally wounded and doubt yourself. You try to change–to go along with your spouse’s demands. This doesn’t work. You realize that this man is in love with himself. The deception and lies escalate. There is verbal abuse and at times physical abuse. In many cases the husband takes over the finances and starts to spirit away your collective financial stability.

Finally the wife of the narcissist wakes up and recognizes that she has been exploited brutally. She is both wasting her life and despising herself. Often there is a major blowup that reveals in colored lights that you are married to a narcissistic personality disorder. Many wives have been reading about narcissistic personality for some time. They put the puzzle pieces together and with shock see on the page that they are reading that their husband has a very disorder–narcissistic personality. She also comes to terms with the fact that these personalities cannot change. They are fixed as a grandiose false self. Narcissists believe they are perfect and superior to everyone, that they never make mistakes, that they are terrific people, that they are invincible.

A time of reckoning comes when the psychologically besieged spouse must make a decision whether to stay in the marriage or seek a divorce. In most cases the latter decision is the better choice. It takes a lot of effort and can be very complex and difficult, but there are so many instances of success for the non-narcissistic spouse and the improvement of her entire life on every level after the divorce and severing a relationship that was never a true marriage. The partner is free now to lead her own life, to breathe deeply in solitude, to ramp up the use of her creative gifts, to explore genuine relationship, to say Yes to life on her terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email
: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com