The Narcissist In Your Life
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Narcissistic Personality Clinical Expert
No such email address is registered.
I feel like I’m going crazy and that everything is my fault. I feel like I made him do what he did. I had a miscarriage and he was horrible to me the whole time. Told me why does he have to suffer just because I suffered etc. It disrupted his sleep and his day. Not even week later he accused me of forgetting his birthday, but I didn’t. I wanted to surprise him when he got home. He just assumed I forgot and told me he doesn’t want me anymore and threw me away infront of his friend and told me that I’m excluded from his birthday. Left me home alone dealing with the trauma of the miscarriage and his cruelty toward me. He told me I made him that way. I still feel it’s all my fault, because I did fight with him a lot for blaming me for his mistakes, perhaps I pushed too much :(. I can’t get him out of my head. Please help
Perhaps I’m a narcissist and don’t know it. I’m going insane and drowning in guilt
Dear Monica, your fault?? Yeah, about 3% – the other 97% is peewee’s doing. You, Monica, are human – as for peewee, who knows what that sick effer is. Take care of youself.
Can you make someone treat you like that? I still think he is a good person
el Vaya sipmaicidld te has escrito. Que no sepas lo que es core capital no quiere decir que lo sepan los empleados de una entidad financiera. Cuando quieras quedamos y te explico el entorno, la situaciÃ³n y el contexto.
Monica, the way someone treats you is more a reflection of them than of you. We all have choices and even if you were rude and offensive, his reaction to you is HIS reaction to you. He can choose to be rude and offensive or he can choose to be kind and just extract himself. Absolutely nothing that he does is because of you: first, because he is responsible for his own behavior and, second, because he doesn’t even see you as an individual. You are an extension of him and his rage is a response to how he feels about himself. He’s just taking all his pain out on you.
We’re not people to them. We are tools they use to get whatever it is they want. We’re a means to an end and only they know what “the end” is…and then not even always because “the end” changes according to their whim and to the current circumstances.
Normal people, obviously, feel like they’re going crazy living on that merry-go-round of madness.
I still feel crazy…I can’t wait to feel normal again. Then again, I don’t even know what my normal is anymore. smh
Please get some professional help. You can’t do this on your own. It’s too much. You deserve to be happy and healthy… don’t wait for it to happen. He’ll never let it.
What about children with narcissist stepmothers who treat them badly but then call the child the narcissist???
He belittled the death of your child and humiliated you in front of his friend. There is no coming back from that. If you think that he is a “good person,” you’re very sick. Get help from a therapist and get away from him -yesterday. He’s not going to change, but you can change if recognize that there is a problem.
Hi. I just came across this website in searching for info on NPD. My wife accuses me of being a narcissist and of being abusive. However for years I’ve felt as though I’m the one being controlled and emotionally abusive. I’m constantly blamed for everything wrong in our marriage and for any bad behavior that our kids display. She calls me a loser, swears at me tells me to go take myself out among other things. She tells me she’s justified in saying these things because I treat her badly by not listening and not paying attention to her nor do I give her what she needs. I feel like all I ever do is try harder to please her but it’s never enough. I’ve gone to several therapists trying to “change” and every time she tells me I’m not getting the right treatment and that I’m worse. I’m beginning to feel insane! She also hates my family and says they are manipulative and toxic and doesn’t like me talking to them. I have also dropped all of my friends because she said the same about them. She has explanations for all of it that sound reasonable when she’s giving her reasons for not wanting me to talk to them but then later on I’m always left feeling like it’s not ok. Can it be possible that I do have NPD? Am I in denial about having serious issues? Or is this how you start to feel from abuse? I feel confused 24/7.
My son’s father tried to poison our 9 year old son last year. He sent my son to school with a bottle of tainted water that was carefully mixed and poured back into the original container. My son would not have noticed the slight difference in the appearance and would have chugged it down without any clue as to what he was actually drinking. It was by shear luck that he didn’t drink it. I found it because I’ve been checking everything for years. He packed items from my house that he saved up from previous lunches my son brought home because he intended to frame me for his crime.
He was going (I’m pretty sure this was the intent) to blame me and then file an emergency custody dispute in family court in order to get custody of my son for the upcoming summer vacation.
He was also going to use this as a platform for just about everything a nasty narc can suck from this heinous act… attention, sympathy, the destruction of ME along with my rep, my cred, and my ability to care for my child….you guys know the deal.
His response and behavior since then are SO obvious , even morons would know the truth.
My son is in danger, and so am I. The police won’t do a thing. It’s been 5 months and no one has even asked him a question. The bottle has been in the ppd crime lab and is still untested. I need help!
I’ve gone to every agency and authority on earth and no one will take this seriously. The cops pretend it didn’t happen because they don’t think they can score a conviction. So, my son is at risk and his father is now aware that the police don’t care.
I tested the liquid using an in home kit. It smelled like bleach and tested very high for acid. Sounds like drain cleaner.
My son could have been killed and I might have been charged. Someone please please tell me what to do? I even went to our city’s D.A…. they treated me like a nuisance. I have the ability to expose him to the world which would destroy him professionally (he has no social life) as an attorney but I’m afraid I WILL be punished in the end…
YOu need to leave this loser
I am forever indebted to you for this inaromftion.
One of the things about narcissists is that they are empty inside. Whatever childhood trauma caused the NPD leaves them terrified of looking inward, and so they never do.
They’re also very good at spinning reality to absolve them of guilt or hedge their own bets so they never appear to lose, and this makes the victim question the nature of their reality.
The fact that you’re seeking answers here is my first indication that you’re likely not the narcissist in the relationship.
Also, the fact that your wife is accusing you of the very thing you suspect her of is typical narcissist reality bending that.
I don’t know you, and I don’t have your wife’s side, but based on what you’ve presented here I’m going with my gut reaction that you’re not the one with NPD.
If you stay he will destroy your self worth. I am not sure how old you are but you may have been raised by a narcissist and have chosen one for a husband. I did that too. But you need to open your eyes to his harm of you and you need to get away as soon as possible and don’t have kids with him. Please save yourself and your future. Seek councelling, go to therapy.
You need to divorce this woman as soon as you can. You need to provide for your kids a safe place to be, if you continue to expose yourself and your kids to this person on a daily basis you will expose them to untold psychological damage.
Be brave and leave, life is so much better without them in your life. You may need to take a restraining order against her, because she will hate the fact she will be left alone.
First of all you need to be one step ahead of him. If he will blame you, the YOU need to go to yours doctors and have a psychological check. Tell your doctor abut your fears with your husband. They will do the keck and it will be on your file, for the future, for the custody courts.
Secondly after you do above, separate from him.
Thirdly, employ a good lawyer.
I would like to keep updated with you Linda so please add my email to your list. I so appreciated your phone call a couple years ago when I had just left an overt sociopathic-narcissistic relationship. You were kind, understanding, listened attentively (although you had probably heard stories just like mine a hundred times before)and offered direction for healing without judgment or condemnation. Just what I truly needed at that time. I knew you knew just what I was going through. YOU related to my experience and I knew I was not alone. And that made all the difference.
I studied up on narcissism and narcopaths for awhile in the midst of healing and then got involved into the day to day journey of life with my previous love interest and fiancee (who I shall refer to as CLA) who had come to “rescue me” and her family. You may recall her mother was in the beginning stages of dementia when we spoke and I was essential in helping with the nursing care then hospice care for her while handling all the day to day aspects of running the household and keeping the family fiscally on track. Her mother passed away a year later. The same week I was helping them move into their own home, fulfilling her last request.
The demands of care giving apparently took a toll on my friend and so rather than exiting on my own I remained and eventually helped her and her father secure a home of their own and was there to help with their grieving process. Additionally I took on the remainder of CLA’s responsibilities as I found myself care-giving for her and running my best friend, CLA, from medical appointment to medical appointment and her father as well. I began the laborious process of helping them both back to health and re-organizing their lives so they could once again become independent and self-sustaining. I had became a very integral part of the family (and as you no doubt have already surmised very enmeshed and co-dependent sacrificing nearly all of my own needs save the most essential to just keep me going so I could be there for them day after day , month after month).
CLA and I “re-kindled our love” and were engaged to be married on the 21st of this December. She began opening up to me about her childhood sexual abuse among other abuses at the hands of her father and the next few months became very tense as other things began to be revealed. (Devaluation phase had already begun as had the covert smear campaign while i was yet caring for them 24/7 and I was nowhere the wiser because I had as yet not realized she was a narcissist though I knew her father had strong narcissistic tendencies that could no longer be passed off as just the sufferings from grief and the loss of his wife). The Discard was already being planned out and I had no idea of that yet either but I began seeing signs of clear triangulation between the three of us at the hands of CLA. Signs I passed off as her confusion and her trying to deal with the loss of her mother and new found illnesses. I suppose I should have known better but in my studies of narcissism I had not as of yet delved into the Covert Narcissist. And she was my friend who had “rescued me” so of course i had naturally exempted her form the possibility of being a narcissist let alone of ever doing anything truly harmful or destructive to me. I implicitly trusted her.
When I was notified my sister had stage four cancer and after being assured by CLA that she was fully willing to try handling things on her own ( I had already been releasing responsibilities and tasks back to her over the last month little by little) but would call if she needed help, I left her in the capable hands of mutual church friends so I could go visit my sister and help her and her family. She was looking forward to a maser bathroom being built to make chemotherapy easier on her and I certainly could not refuse that request not the opportunity to see my sister who I may not ever see again, especially considering the extreme lengths I had already gone to for CLA and her family. So I left but had a horribly uneasy feeling about leaving and almost turned around and came back several times on the twelve-hour drive to my sisters. I stayed for the agreed 2-3 weeks, which turned into a little over four weeks total. And all that time I was speaking, emailing and texting CLA numerous times a day and sending her cards and letters an d every week. Her numerous calls to me seemed to just be for some reassurance and a couple questions on financial decisions along with the I love you’s and wedding plans we were putting in place. I didn’t see the call and text messages as incessant given the fact this were her first time in 3 years to be operating fully independently and I was ecstatic at what appeared to be her return to health and more independence. This was the women I had first met 4 years ago. Our future marriage life together was even so much more appealing and hopeful and exciting to look forward to. All seemed well with the world.
But the day I was to return and spoke with CLA she seemed distant and distracted. A chill literally went down my back. Things were very, very wrong. And there was no reason I could see nor had she shared anything with me that would explain this. I had a very bad feeling about what I was going to find when I got back home to the people I had now been living with and sacrificing everything in my life for nearly three years. I had a very really dread of returning home. Within 10 days of my return home, following some complex conversations with her and her father, paying for her car to be repaired, smogged and registered, deep cleaning the entire household, moving furniture and touch-up painting, driving her to medical appointments, along with filling the household with groceries and water for a month, I found myself forced to move out for my own protection. Yes, everything had changed. I had been played and had been gas-lighted and smeared with friends at church only to learn some of my closest friends had moved over to her side. She had successfully left with me nearly nothing, nowhere to go, no vehicle. This was immediately followed by false accusations, restraining orders, court, more expenses than I i could possibly imagine and no real supportive people…. AND WELL YOU KNOW THE STORY, RIGHT?
More searching and looking for answers only to realize I had left an overt narcissist and fallen into the arms of an introverted covert narcissist. A not too unusual (although highly regrettable) situation form what I have read and seen. I will spare everyone reading this the sordid details of the rest being done. The utterly evil, despicable and unthinkable things that can be done at the hands of a truly malignant being are incredible, unfathomable and something honestly I never want to experience again.
Way worse than any malevolent overt narcissist! Talk about a woman scorned, hell hath no fury like a covert narcissistic woman unmasked (of course i couldn’t just let things go without revealing the truth and little by little it is coming out). I bet even the devil thinks twice before doing anything to tick her off. My sweet angel, who I still have the text saying “I am so sorry for the way people have treated you after all you have done for them. Please believe me when I say I will never ever do that to you. I love you and respect you so much”! And she was right. CLA did treat me like the rest. She so surpassed the worst I had ever been treated by all the others put together that had ever mistreated or abused me.
So now it is the hard and deep thought provoking work with myself to ensure this never happens again, looking for the holes in myself that need to be filled, the negative thinking that needs to be changed and the inner child that needs to be healed so I can be the True Self I was always meant to be. A process your phone call a couple years began and that I had still been working on, even if only minimally, so although I am going through the worst pain I have ever known in my life I am not a complete train wreck and am doing better than just merely functioning.
I have determined that this is my last week of actively researching narcissism, looking for answers and validation or looking for closure. I have found enough to put this behind. It’s time to really focus on me and prepare to help others with my own better boundaries set in place so I do not ignore my own health care or needs. I have a ways to go. It will not be easy. But is is achievable and wholeness is not all that far away. I can see it.
I just wanted to share with you and thank you for that call, for your site and blogs and for all the individuals who continue to speak out both on the dangers of narcissism as well as the need for real healing and not settling for putting a band-aid on the wounds. I look forward to the day where I can have my own site and additionally help people through their understanding and recovery of this very real malevolent force we call narcissism and refer them to solid well-founded sites, such as yours.
Thank you again.
P.S. God is good and faithful. The same day I was let go I found a place to live where i have peace and calm and am encouraged to heal in safety. A month to the day I was kicked out, I was able to acquire a vehicle I actually had been wanting by a friend who purchased it out right for me, allowing me to make payments and trade off hours working for him. And before going to court I found Christian attorneys who represented me marvelously and allowed me to make payments. Additionally, although I was in court for over 5 ours (thanks to her and her “witnesses”) and on the witness stand for over three hours myself, her false charges were dropped in full, the “witnesses” were found to be lying while refuting each other’s testimonies and the judge (who is known not to favor men in these hearings) was considering perjury charges against CLA. So, there has been good even in the bad. I wanted the readers to know that even though the gas-lighting, smear campaign and run-ins with her “flying monkeys” continues, some people have come forward to support me and some relationships have been rebuilt. And the others? I am better off without them. Its better to have a family of true friends and real people any day! And that is my last word. At least for now. God bless each of you and keep going. Don’t quit! Light will ultimately prevail over darkness. Its only a matter of time, and I believe that time is very soon indeed.
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