Month: May 2013

Spouses of Narcissists–Fearful, Vigilant–Compromising their Authenticity

They may look lovely or handsome. They may be high achievers . They may be gracious and courteous publicly; they apply their social skills successfully. These individuals are married to narcissistic spouses. Beneath that pearly smile, gleaming face, the convincing look in the eyes that everything is “fine”, the narcissist’s spouse lives in fear, is highly vigilant of everything he/she does or says. This person has signed on for a life of psychological imprisonment.

The narcissistic spouses stipulates and insists on all of the moves. The wife or husband has no real bargaining power. Every idea that you bring up is shot down immediately and vehemently. Although it is not surprising that you concept will be commandeered by your narcissistic spouse later in a slightly revised form as “his brilliant idea.” Narcissists take credit for the work of others; this is part of their MO. Your original concepts and ideas belong to the narcissistic spouses.  They pay attention to you when something goes wrong,,especially when they make big mistakes. They blame them on you. The narcissist is never at fault. After all they don’t have a well-developed conscience. Spouses married to narcissists believe that they are the inadequate ones, especially if they grew up in a family with a narcissistic parent. They are accustomed to this drill; it is very familiar to them. Take all the blame on yourself

When you are married to a narcissist you cannot be true to yourself. You have a difficult time recognize and exercising your creative gifts; you live in a state of fear and vigilance. The narcissist sends volleys of rage at you at close range. You are the receptacle for these painful, humiliating irrational assaults. Some spouses learn how to “take it” and feel helpless and guilty all of the time. Others discover that they can no longer live this way and must get out of this non marriage from hell. If there are children this can be complicated but the newly awakened abused spouse is determined to be free.

After the divorce the recovery of your authentic self begins. Some benefit from psychotherapy and other healing processes like hatha yoga, forms of meditation, becoming active in support groups that reinforce your healthy sense of self entitlement. Continue on your journey of freedom and celebrate.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

 

 

 

Dropping the Burden of Image after Divorcing Narcissistic Husband

After you have divorced your narcissistic spouse and not discounting all the psychological, mental and financial hell you have endured, you are free to drop the image that he imposed on you, down a bottomless well, watch it go up in smoke, wave it an eternal goodbye, say the hell with it, yell with abandon–that was not me!

Narcissists wear their image like the skin on their bodies, the hair on their head, in their innards, especially their cold, reluctant hearts. They forced you to keep a perfect appearance and watched every hair on your head to make sure it was tilting in the just the right direction even when breezes blew. Some spouses say that they were forced to be made over by the narcissistic spouse. Under duress they went through all sorts of aesthetic procedures to make themselves look more perfect. Women who think they have a free will become enveloped under the power and force of the personality of the narcissist. They don’t know their own minds anymore and wonder if they ever did. Some are so enthralled by the life styles they have found with this new union that they are psychologically drunk with the material pleasures that they can now have. If they were raised in a poor or low middle class family this need to have more is part of their definition of “making it.” This of course does not fit all woman. Many of them understand that financial success is not the sine qua non of life. It is essential that we use as many creative and intellectual gifts that we are given and expand and deepen them throughout our lives.

Life is not about coasting along–“Summertime, and the living is easy..” Great lyric but not a blueprint for a mindful life.

When we become only pleasure seekers and avoid pain and the hard work of knowing ourselves, we are going nowhere. We are moving in the worn old tracks of repetition. The outward trappings look different but we are repeating over and over again, going in circles. I have known women even today who have dropped entire careers and found their prince. He adores her and she feels that every wish she drempt of will now come true. He will give anything to her and does. She has landed a very big fish–a prince charming with lots of monetary security and a bulging open wallet and a loyalty to her that will never quit–he needs her that much and she knows it and uses this to the hilt. All she has to do is look pretty, give him plenty of sex and be open to his “brilliant ideas.”  She has bought the entire package. These marriages are arrangements not true relationships. There is nothing deep going on here. No psychological or emotional growth is taking place.

Getting back to unburdening yourself of the narcissistic image demanded in your past marriage. You have defied the narcissist by divorcing him. You are saying: “I won’t live your delusion anymore or play your game.”  “I owe myself my authenticity, my inner and outer voice, the use of all of my gifts and the freedom to express myself as a unique individual.”  After the divorce deluge and the waters have receded, you look around as you heal and put your life back together in your style and way. Maybe this time you long for simplicity–no frills, no fancies, no trips to the moon.–Just you–that wonderful person you were always meant to be–that baby smiling and laughing because he or she exists right now in the world, that compassionate soul with the open heart that warms yourself and others. You are treading lighter on the earth. You feel flexible, supple, more grounded and surer inside yourself. You will learn to treasure your solitude, to embrace your creativity and to find others who are taking a similar path on the best road–the one less traveled.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Suffer Maternal Deprivation—The Void I Feel Inside

Narcissistic maternal deprivation is difficult for most people to understand because it cannot usually be seen as bruises or welts or scratches. It is both a psychological wound and a void that the daughter of a narcissistic mother feels inside herself. This pain is the absence of nurturing, of loving care, of affection, of emotional and physical closeness, of hugs never given, of sweet glances from mother to daughter and back again. These daughters never experience the loving physical, emotional and psychological presence of their mother. If mom is physically there, she is either distracted and not paying attention or she is berating her daughter, criticizing her, humiliating her, blaming her for everything that went wrong in the narcissistic mother’s life. 

The child takes this upon herself and internalizes the absence of positive feelings toward her. She is neglected and because she must survive she is not capable of knowing that this is true–that she is not wanted, respected, cherished. Narcissistic mothers often push their own daughters out of their way and are envious of them. They do everything they can to create emotional chaos in their lives. Some of the most profound wounds are the absence of attention. Some narcissistic mothers are like automatons, going about their days in a frenzy of work, social activities, shopping sprees, talking with friends, arranging parties, even going on trips–leaving their daughters alone to fend for themselves. I have heard of daughters as young as five who had to find a way to take care of themselves while mother partied throughout long weekends with boyfriends. Sometimes the party is carried on in the home and the young daughter is subjected to drunken scenes where sexual activity is taking place impulsively and wildly. The young daughter is shocked by these activities. In some cases the men who are there come on to the daughter sexually and she is terrified.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers feel an emotional void inside of them. They  long for and miss what they never had. Often they cannot define it but know they are in emotional pain. Many of them seek to find the answers and to heal. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent psychotherapy as well as learning to nurture themselves and to become receptive to the love and warmth that they have always deserved. I speak to those daughters now and say: You are so dear and lovely–You are whole–You are loving, kind, steady and strong. I celebrate you and your lives.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.