The narcissist magnetizes people to him/her with his physical attractiveness, extraordinary confidence, drive, social skills, and personal appeal. In the presence of a narcissist who is very successful in the world, many of us feel uplifted, excited, more optimistic and alive. When the narcissist is at the top of his game, it is difficult to say "no" to him.

Those who are chosen to be intimates of a narcissist are picked for special reasons. Narcissists are incapable of genuine intimacy. Everyone is his possession, even a husband or wife. He is in charge and in control; he makes the rules and dictates the roles the person by his side will play. Narcissists choose individuals who are physically attractive, often younger than themselves. They are drawn to partners who are malleable, who can be modelled and worked with like pieces of clay. The narcissist's partner lacks a strong sense of self. Beneath their lovely exterior those who are destined to reside in the narcissist's shadow are emotionally dependent and suffer from deep feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. They are like frightened children. Even if they throw tantrums and tirades at times, they return to their psychological fusion with the narcissist. Hidden inside these partners are feelings of helplessness and fury. They have struck a losing bargain. In exchange for their loyalty, they have thrown their genuine selves aside. Often their need for financial security and a luxurious lifestyles outweighs the healthy drive toward individuation, a sense of entitlement and creativity.

The childhood background of narcissistic partners has several roots. Many of these individuals are raised by parents who were neglectful, cold and indifferent. These parents never respected or loved their child as a unique individual. This child never received loving attention from the parent(s). He was dismissed with cruel messages: "Go away, I'm too busy" or "Leave me alone; I have more important things to do" or "I'm overwhelmed; I can't take care of myself, let alone you." To survive, this child learned to be compliant and became emotionally frozen.

Spouses and partners who live in the shadows of the narcissist are psychologically trapped in the survival patterns of childhood. Extricating oneself is a tall order. Many partners decide either consciously or unconsciously that it is better to play pretend at life and enjoy the fruits of the narcissist's success and savor their role as consort than to break the fusion and be left adrift and alone without internal or external resources.