Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissistic Siblings

Treachery is a mortal betrayal of trust, especially among family members. Covert narcissists are sly, smooth and sneaky–very difficult to detect.

When the Covert Narcissist is your sibling, you are destined to have a painful and tumultuous relationship with him/her. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists). This is particularly galling if the sibling is the golden child of the family, the chosen one who can do no wrong, always wins and wears the family crown from birth. Mother and father never corrected their “darling” since he was viewed and treated as perfect–someone for you to emulate.

The life stories I hear from children who have had covert narcissistic siblings are horrific. From the beginning the scapegoated child was at the mercy of the covert sibling who taunted, tricked, terrified and threatened his victim. There are scenes of a small child being locked in a closet for hours while parents were away or oblivious. Getting pinched, scratched, smacked, dragged was the order of the day in some households. Of course the perpetrator was never caught and if it was obvious that the golden monster was guilty, the parent covered it up and in some instances blamed the victimized child for simply being present.

As the covert narcissistic sibling reaches adulthood, the psychopathology remains unchanged and the victimization of the sibling continues in a cruel, cunning form. Narcissists are often obsessed with money–It is their god, their compass, their identity.  They are convinced that any assets belonging to the parents belong to them alone. They spend years plotting how they will pilfer every cent belonging to the parents, leaving the other siblings without a penny.  I have witnessed this behavior often; it is ugly and dark. The covert narcissist through a series of cunning manuevers gains control of the family estate. Over time, using pseudo charm and empathy with just the right vintage of pressure and intimidation, convinces the parents that he is the only family member who can be trusted with financial matters. By the time that the other siblings discover that they have been divested of their inheritance, it is too late.

Narcissistic siblings stop at nothing to snatch the gold, the cash, the property, the jewelry, stocks, trusts, etc. Nothing slows them down. They are giddy grabbing the loot. They are devoid of shame, conscience or mercy. In the aftermath the sibling(s) on the losing end is shocked, exhausted and depleted. In some cases these individuals develop health problems as a result of the severe chronic stress of coping with the emotional, psychological and financial treacheries of the covert sibling.

Knowing now that your sibling has a severe personality disturbance is the beginning of unraveling, healing and reconstituting yourself. The first step is to appreciate that young child who survived despite the painful treacherous years and the innumerable ordeals and traumas that you experienced.

Recognize the strength and courage of your true self and know now that you will continue to heal, grow and evolve. Put yourself first and take time each day to move into the calming part of the nervous system where you feel deep inner peace. Get the nourishment, sleep, downtime, creative time, fun time that you need and deserve.

5 thoughts on “Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissistic Siblings”

  1. This is my sister in a nutshell. In fact, as I write this, these shenanigans and this very scenario is unfolding before our eyes. She is the most cunning and duplicitous con artist. My parents have no idea what she is up to.

    1. I feel your pain, “j”. I have lived my life as an outcast — “The Black Sheep” of the family (for those worried, in these goofy days, this is not a racial slur, but an old time fashionable English synonym describing a shunned or superlative family member).

      Family differences, like today’s political party ideologies, run deeper than religious roots. “The Black Sheep” is “wired” differently and thinks “outside the box” of mainstream expectations, often causing a rift or dissension among the traditionalists, especially pertaining to family norms.

      I have concluded that there are three divisional powers that supersede our constitutional right to a fair trial: the family, our churches (man-made institutions), and our employers. Within these entities, you can be punished, shunned, or excluded without being able to exercise any constitutional right to a fair trial, whatsoever.

      It is at this time, we all need the support and serenity of a loving God, for truth stands eternal, even when humankind falters.

      1. Understood. You are not alone and as you can see (poking around here) there are people coming out of the woodwork sharing their experiences and similar to your own. The family is, by far, the most complex to be dealt with. As for employers, going into business for yourself has been a blessing for me.

  2. Treachery is a mortal betrayal of trust, especially among family members. Covert narcissists are sly, smooth and sneaky–very difficult to detect.
    You are observant and wise. Your writing style helps to illustrate what lives solely in my mind. You bring to life that “being” who has stolen everything in the world from me, has everyone in my family fooled, yet she is easily detectable to me. I have tried to open people’s eyes, even the police, yet her actions are invisible to family, law and society. She has all the riches and I am left to die by the side of the road.
    To the world she is beautiful, fun-loving, rich and the family leader, while all the time I am the only person on the face of this earth who has had everything stolen by her and she vehemently denies it and lives a lie.
    No one cares. No one believes me. I am the ghost child. Left to die.

  3. Nickname “Bruge”… May 8, 2017
    So many parents are “conditioning” their kids to be a scapegoat, a golden child, a forgotten child, etc. Why do they ever have kids???
    I had two narcs as parents. I’m not telling you the things I had to endure as a “servant” (the 1 st born and having three brothers).
    I was the truthseeker! I was seeing too many unfair things going on. I had this psychologically traumatizing NM. At 17, confronted her about her abuses towards me,
    saying: “You know all you had done to me, I know all you had done to me, the LORD knows all you had done to me, ALSO…” BAM, another speechless narc!!! Promised myself I wouln’t ressemble that family I was born into. My intuition always told me the truth, ALWAYS. My spirituality was mine, and so was my individuality, identity, etc. I had some people who inspired me so much, outside family of origin.
    Father had grown five bank accounts, for decades. While he grew those, he wasn’t available to us. When he took a break, he wasn’t involving himself into our lives! So glad
    I never let him buy my affection in any ways. Got name called a “snob” by him when I started to earn my own money at 15. I can still hear him say: “Why didn’t you come to me, if you needed money?” Me, replying: “Why? I have my two arms and two legs, I can earn my own money… aren’t you proud of me for that?” He said: “You, damn snob.” Yap! The man was frustrated that he couldn’t dominate me!!! . We paid a huge price for each one of those “affection” crumbs that those narc parents were “graciously giving”, to us!!!!!
    My missing piece of that puzzle I had found last July 2016, was Dr. Linda’s work. So that thing had a name!!! I did everything Dr. Linda had said all my life, by INTUITION… It’s no wonder I went no contact, a lot. THEY went missing a piece of their narcissistic supply!!! BAM 💥!!
    I am this tall strong colored flower who grew through this huge “manure heap” of a family of origin. Baby brother felt I was more of a real mother to him than our own mother ever was. It says a lot.(Babysat 50 + kids in my early yrs, some of them often waited on the street corner to check if my school bus would finally show up!!! They felt good and safe, around me. Genuine presence and a lot of fun, playing baseball, hockey, etc, or even just talking.)
    Buying off someone’s affection with money or material stuff instead of choosing the human side of things is the worse thing one can do to another person. It destroys the psyche formation of a person very early and they (narcs) sure know it.
    Golden brother schemed my parents and the rest of us, siblings. He owns their house, today!!! Took advantage of the parents’ separation to scheme. Full-blown money obsessed narcs? OH YES!!! The more money they have, the less feelings for other human beings they have. Money is the root of all evil. As Dr. Phil often say: “For every rat you see, there’s 50 others you don’t.” It’s so true. Yes, we all have to make money to live. But, beware of those who are bank account growers, money collection people, or one who can “buzz” on 50$ bills (go figure why), there’s nothing to figure about, it’s a fixed personality. Human beings don’t mean a thing, to narcs. Yes, they hate to spend a dime, for you. But other people’s money (or goods) is always even better, to them. So is your time, your energy, your soul, your life (if you don’t have any money). Ask yourself if someone never shares a life equally with you and if one is growing a bank account or two onto your back, since yrs? -There, you have your answer. It’s their hidden agenda, since long. Then, they’ll drop life partners and kids, if there are any.
    Ultimate betrayal. They have no mercy, shame or guilt. ALL money obsessed full-blown narcs do just that. On what level is the narc in your life???Wake up, aim for equality in a relationship, or live to regret it one day. Human beings first, not money or material, EVER. No victim… no perpetrator. Accept no deal breaker, EVER. If you have to fight for this, you’re not with the right person. Save yourself a lifetime of pure waste of your your person, and deceptions. You were not born, for this! Study your own relationship, just to see. Test those narcs, if you have to. At 30, I got very sick. It lasted for 15 yrs until I got better. None of those narcs in my life had ever lifted a little finger to help me, EVER! Yes, narcs are VERY deceitful.
    Thank you so much, Dr. Linda, for helping others in the way you do, always. God bless you. XOXOX

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