Renew Your Life–Go No Contact with Narcissistic Sister

All of your life, your older, younger or twin sister has been putting you through hell–The reason—She is a Narcissistic Personality and in some family constellations, she was chosen to represent its sterling image. You felt psychologically dispossessed, a stranger in your own house that was not a home to you. In every way your narcissistic sister undermined you. When she wasn’t doing that, she was scaring you, intimidating you, demeaning you, humiliating you, threatening you. She was going to get you into trouble with mom and dad no matter what. Not by telling the truth but by her very convincing lies. Narcissists lie about everything in order to get exactly what they want. This is easy for them since they do not have a conscience. And—They Get Away With It!

Now that you are an adult, your narcissistic sister has continued her Weird Sister act and she is never going to stop. The NPD is a fixed personality disorder that does not change.

It is time to stand up for yourself by focusing on taking very good care of yourself. I mean that you decide on the best program that helps you to heal from your narcissistic sister’s ongoing abuse over a long period.

Spend time in a quiet way with yourself. Listen to music that you love and has meaning to you. Get the sleep that you need and deserve. Sleep puts us into the quieting mode of the nervous system and is essential to healing on every level. Let your creativity flow. Write spontaneously every day or when you can, the thoughts and feelings that come through your mind without editing. Do exercise that you enjoy or at least can tolerate. Think of other ways that you relax–Cooking, Gardening, Sewing, Reading, etc.  Spend time with individuals whom you trust and that contribute to your healing. Go with the givers and cross out the takers.

This is the beginning of a new life cycle for you.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

15 thoughts on “Renew Your Life–Go No Contact with Narcissistic Sister”

  1. Comment: From Bea
    Linda – you always hit the nail right on the head! Please, please, please consider leading a retreat for survivors of narcissist sisters somewhere warm and beautiful!

  2. I have to live with a narcisstic sister because of a disability I was born with. After taking control of my life and having brain surgery to stop my epileptic seizures all hell broke loose. Then the beginning of my new life began when psychotherapy started and now I’ll always stay in control by seeing by cognitive therapist, volunteering, visiting my parents and going to the gym. I’m glad I’m strong because all the years she emotionally abused me I’m finally free, now I’m in control !

  3. Dr. Martinez-Lewi, I have your book “Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life.” I cannot tell you how much reinforcement and direction that it has provided. I recently discovered your blog and have read it from end to end.

    When my mother died my narcissistic sister did not call me to let me know. When I eventually found out, she offered no apology or explanation other than that she had to shop for items in connection with my mother’s funeral. I did not expect an apology: my sister *never* apologizes and *never* cries.

    I had been married to an abusive alcoholic. I left him when my daughter was only five months old. I returned to the family home and was grateful for the safe refuge. It wasn’t until a while later that my mother told me that my narcissistic sister did everything she could to keep my mother from allowing me to return home when I separated from my abuser. I had no place else to go.

    These are just two examples of the kind of evil with which my sister exudes. My sister is so toxic to me that I get an unbearable feeling in my stomach whenever I am in her presence. It feels as if a viper is coiling and uncoiling inside of my stomach. I actually become somewhat breathless. It’s the breathlessness produced by the fear of being in the presence of straight up evil. My sister is the personification of the viper and, given the chance, will strike at my very soul.

    If ever there was a messenger of intuition, that gnawing feeling in the gut cannot be denied. Now my narcissistic sister is wanting me to run errands for her; take her to the doctor/dentist; whatever. I simply cannot do it. When I am around her it takes me from three days to nearly a week to feel balanced again. She is extremely odious; in her old age she has become house-bound and has neglected herself. When I’m in her presence, she cackles with spiteful asides about me and other family members. I had graciously taken her to a doctor’s appointment recently, but my psychic well-being paid the price.

    I have asked for spiritual help in dealing with her. The only answer is to separate her out of my life once and for all. She will never change and I should not have to pay the price for her odiousness. My body knows this and so does my mind. Yet I still struggle with the established expectation that people ought to look out for family members. I simply cannot do this without destroying myself.

  4. This issue gives new appreciation for the hostile environment that women must function in. I too encountered a flaming narcissist and didn’t even understand what was going on for some time. My dealings with this individual were based on helping him out of trouble at work and continued on the cover of being a friend. After a while, it was phone calls from him every day and I found myself spending 6-8 hours a week talking to this person. I now see how he cleverly worked in the “Aren’t I wonderful” section during the conversation each day. Also worked into the conversation intermittently was bringing up a topic that would have me dancing on the end of string. Over time, I learned that he did this to all his other friends too, great mental masturbation for a narcissist! This abuse had a silver lining as it alerted my me that something was very wrong. Over time, and many phone conversations, I can reflect back and see that he fits perfectly most of the major components of NPD . I read several places that narcissistic behavior is hard to see coming, but much easier to see and understand going. That sure was true in my case. This blog is very helpful and my best wishes to all those ladies out there who are now getting smart and getting away from this sick abuse.

  5. Blessings to you! My identical twin sister is an extreme narcissist and so was my mother. I also struggled with the loyalty I felt to my family. My mother died this last July and I was there for her until the end. I immediately felt free at last; I have no contact with my sister because she is so toxic to me. Just as Dr. Martinez-Lewi predicted, my sister had my mother’s estate left to her. My sister made sure that any funeral would exclude me. The only option we have as family members in such a toxic family is to run the other way. I’m finally at peace. It’s been a long road!

    1. I was wondering if there was anyone else out there who had a narcissistic mother and twin sister.

      Its hard to be very concise about what has happended since I’ve returned to the small town where she and my family live. I have been living with her for four months at her insistance that I could stay here rent free to save money to buy a house. Of course she knows everyone here and I don’t. From the beginning she has painted me as her victim. She has shoved in a corner, lierally. When I moved in she told me I could use all these different spaces so I did. One by one I had to give them back to her. My living here rent free went from sharing the house and free rent to living in a small room, paying all the rent, buying all the food and doing all the housework. I went crazy on her today, throwing things and telling her what a manipulative lying bitch she is. I am sick, paralyzed and I feel like I could physically destroy everything in sight. So in a grandstand move, she has packed up and gone to one of her friends. They all know how “wonderful” she is and how “bad” I am. She has been using me as her excuse for every irresponsible thing she has done since Ive been here. I was looking for a place to live, but she convinced me everything would be okay so I stopped looking. Her problem is jealousy and that I have a retirement income and she doesn’t. I’m going to find a place to move and after that I will have nothing to do with her. My problem is her lies. She has convinced most people that I am a horrible person and she has been nothing but accommodating and I am unappreciative. No one knows the truth. I think my family knows the truth, they are just shaking their heads wondering why I would do this to myself. I could give you a long list of things she has done to make me crazy. Here is one example that I think epitomizes what she does. I have some projects in the yard that are unfinished. She says, “you don’t have to finish that.” What she will tell other people is “look at what a mess Karen has left me with.” It might sound like something trivial, but if you apply it to a lifetime of situations and events, it is not trivial, it’s devastating. I don’t feel like I can ever have a life if I am anywhere near her so does that mean I have to leave my small town like I have done so many times before? How do I stay here and survive my narcissistic sister? Will not having anything to do with her be enough?

  6. My unmarried, childless sister is seven years older than myself. I am married with three children. At the time of my youngest daughter,s wedding last year, I became acutely aware of how deeply she resented me. She was reluctant to praise anything about the wedding. She couldn’t, take anything away from the bride, who is a beautiful young woman, but her comments about my elder unmarried daughter have been nothing short of cruel.
    She looked lovely in the outfit that I had chosen for her but my sister couldn’t, bring herself to praise her, rather she commented that she had “put on weight”.After the umpteenth time of her criticising her usual hairstyle (I am convinced these criticisms are a particularly cruel way of getting at me )I told her that I found her comments hurtful. Rather than apologise, she beerily asserted her right to her opinion. Following an angry phone call during which she accused me of going behind her back. ( I was caught up in family politics and trying to avoid hurting her feelings ), I refuse to take calls from her or socialise with her. I feel it is the only way to protect myself. But the problem has ruined my health for over a year.
    My sister is very generous and popular with everyone and much loved. She reserves her bullying for me, just as our mother (who was also much loved) reserved her bullying for both of us when we were children. It would be nice to get rid of the anger by confronting her about her behaviour but they say “never confront a narcissist”. So I am left with the sleepless nights and the worrying. Does anyone have any suggestions?

  7. Dealing with someone who has a NPD or strong Narcissist traits, I have come to realize that they are operating in their own special physiological construct and will not respond as a normal person would. They feel entitled and expect you to automatically comply with their wishes and accept their bad behavior. That’s why Narcissism is called “crazy” behavior. No matter of logic will convince them of the need to change and they will never accept responsibility for their bad/destructive behavior. The NPD person’s empathy chip is damaged(or removed) and they just don’t relate in an emotionally healthy manner. I have come to accept this sad condition in a very matter of fact way. If you confront them with their bad behavior, you will have an enemy who will devote their personal energy in punishing you. I think you are right to pursue the no contact method as the best course of action. In past, when confronted with this crazy behavior, I found it shocking and upsetting. No more, I now realize you just can’t fix crazy and the real fix is to just get away from it. Once you have done that, you have done the right thing and can finally relax.

  8. My sister is one of the flying monkeys. The things she has done to me i will never forgive nor forget. My mum who is the narcissit has turned all my siblings against me except one but she is working very hard on that and getting closer. I hate my sister now the things she did to me i no longer consider her my sister nor my family

  9. I could have written most of these posts myself! I am a survivor of extreme mental, verbal, and psychological abuse from a malignant narcissist, my “sister”. I tried everything imaginable for 50 years to appease this person but came to the conclusion, at 55 years of age, that there is no conceivable way to have a relationship with a person like this, family member or not, so I went No Contact in order to preserve what was left of my gentle soul. And yes, I am the bad guy now but people just don’t see someone’s destructive personality because things have always been that way. They think she’s great!! and when I did mention horrible things she had said to me, about me, or done to me I heard “xxx WOULD NEVER DO THAT!!!!” so what do you do with that scenario?? Or “just ignore her”. This person I very unfortunately got stuck with is sheer hatred and pure unadulterated evil through and through. But I guess she was jealous of me so I was her target and nobody else ever seemed to “hear” or “see” the sheer evil she displayed to me.

    1. I know what you mean about a “malignant narcissistic sister”. My NPD sister is eight years older than me, I’m the youngest. I’m 59 and finally learned that this is a serious, evil condition. Thankfully she lives on the west coast, I’m on the east coast. Several weeks ago, she told me on the phone she wanted to “move out here to be by me”, I nearly fainted. I told her the weather was awful, and that she needed to move closer to her daughter and her grand kids, which she can’t stand. So she wants to move out here, have me fly out there to help her, just so she can continue to destroy any happiness I have. And to destroy my marriage of 20 years. There is no way…Since I told her this in a text message, we haven’t really spoken. She is insanely jealous of me, always has been. She has evil intentions and I don’t want anything more to do with her, period. This has been an eye experience to read everyone’s post’s. Your’s was closest to my situation, and I’m happy to finally be free from her “Jezebell Spirit”…God bless you and your healing.

      1. Trish, I also have gone no contact with 3 of my sisters. The toxic behavior is more than I want to deal with anymore. I have been NC for 6 months now. Still trying to heal. The last straw was setting me up and listening in on a phone conversation. she has stole from me so many times it unbelievable! I have always made excuses for her bad behavior. Not any more. Hoping now for peace in my remaining years. Best of luck to you on your new journey! Wishing you peace. Judy

  10. I have three narcissists in my family , one is my twin sister. She is malignant and if she could kill me, I think she would. I have come to the conclusion, like this article says, boundaries and limiting communication with them is the only thing that has helped me. acupuncture also. Take care of u and maintain boundaries.

  11. i made the decision to go no contact with my npd sister last christmas as i couldnt bare the thought of another year with the feeling that there was no escape but to lock myself in the garage with the car running. this scared me into the reality of what an impact this damaging relationship had been having on me and my world. lo and behold she decided to continue her emotional abuse by implementing self appropriated no contact at the same time!
    i had left the family home in my teens to escape the torture and unwisely let her back in at age 40yrs (she re-entered my world by seducing an old friend of mine, which incidentally she destroyed that relationship). it has taken a very long time (now in my fifties) and many sessions with the psychologist to finally see the light. my world has become its own again and it breaks my heart to see her relationships with her kids, our parents and others crumble at her feet. there is no getting through to her and i just have to suck it up that the relationship and all its potentials with my sister have landed in the garbage bin 🙁 i have recently moved house yet she remains in the same town, ignoring me when i see her in the street and that just feels wrong. she just traa laa laaa laaas on with life and feels powerful for punishing me. going no contact and the torture continues……..

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