Children of Narcissists Have a Right to Heal

So many adult children of narcissistic mothers and/or fathers hold on to their suffering—not on purpose but unconsciously because that has been their reality all of their lives. From the time they could barely walk and talk they were psychologically bruised and bloodied by the narcissistic parent. Every day there was a new accusation, a criticism that cut through to the bone, a smirk that said: “You are worthless; I wish you had never been born.” “Why can’t you be like your brilliant older sister who gets all A’s.” “You have an uneven nose and thin lips. We’ll have to take you to a plastic surgeon later on so you don’t embarrass the family.”

“Sometimes you smell; it disgusts me.” And on and on—an endless road of insults that wound the heart and shake the nerves. Yet you have survived this gulag of abuse. That is a great accomplishment and you have done it with you humanity intact.

Know that you have a right to heal—-completely. You can disengage yourself from all of the cruel, malicious blows of your narcissistic parent. You don’t have to carry these burdens any longer. Begin by recognizing that although you share the DNA of your narcissistic parent, you are a separate individual. You are entitled to develop all of your talents and gifts fully. You are entitled to feel a deep inner peace and a love for yourself. You are entitled to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. You have a separate life that is precious. You are entitled to resurrect your humor, the sing when you feel happy, to embrace others, to be spontaneous, to live fully in this moment. Some children of narcissistic parents benefit from psychotherapy.Do the research and make sure that your therapist is highly trained, devoted to her/his clients and very empathic. Make sure you don’t sense a money motive and especially check it out to rule out a narcissistic psychotherapist. They are out there, victimizing vulnerable clients. There are many healing pathways. Find the ones that work for you–gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, creative endeavors that put you in touch with the unlimited use of your imagination. Some form of exercise is very valuable in keeping your body strong, your nerves quiet and your mind clear. Become aware of the precious moment: the tiny sound of the hummingbird over your head–greeting you, the wind wafting through your nostrils, the full smile of a happy baby, the warm hug of a friend, the moon at night darting in and out of the clouds. the lake of stars above like a diamond tiara—-endless moments of beauty. You can and will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Endless Nightmare Married to a Sociopath

You notice the smooth talk that focuses on you alone, the penetrating gaze, the over-confident vibe, the irresistible physicality. You were seduced in style. He anticipated everything you always wanted. You never thought you would deserve such a catch. The sexual chemistry was incendiary. Like the pull of a strong tide, you couldn’t move away from him. In the first minutes, he had you. Your thoughts swirled and went askew. A small voice kept saying: this is too fast, be careful, watch out. But this voice is a tiny wail in a thunderous ocean of sound. Your temple pulses rush; your legs wobble. There is quick rising pleasure as you acquiesce to his presence. He wants to take you out. You say No at first, followed by your confusion and then Yes. This is the beginning of a relationship that seems magical–out of this world but will turn worse than ugly.

The courtship is fast and dizzying, a wild giddy ride of sensual appetites satiated and thrilling promises. You get married and know that this is the best moment of your life. For a while life is a living fantasy of having every need and want fulfilled. As the days move into months you notice subtle shifts in his behavior toward you. He becomes less attentive. He finds your questions about him intrusive and you hear the sharpness in his tone of voice. He spends vast amounts of time with his “investments”. You don’t know about his career other than something vague about a private investment fund that he owns and runs for clients. Clint spends less and less time with you. He is out late and doesn’t call. On occasion he is gone all night. “I had to meet an important client at the airport and it got to late.” That’s the kind of excuse he gave. You swallowed them but there was a doubt in your mind now. “I don’t think you can trust this person” it kept saying.

One night very late, he comes home and he is very pissed off. One of his deals fell through and he is in a fury. You try to help him talk through it. He grabs you by the arm, digging his fingers sharply and painfully into you. “This is none of your business. Shut up!” “If you keep talking, I’ll slam you against the wall, I promise.” You are shocked and terrified. Keep quiet, the frightened child’s voice says to you. Clint becomes more evasive and absent from home. He gets telephone calls late at night. He moves into the other room so you can’t hear him. One day you notice that he has withdrawn $50,000 from your bank account. You have put his name on your private account. Clint glibly makes excuses and promises to pay you back in a week. This never happens. Now you are very suspicious but afraid to confront him. After months of this destructive pattern of his behavior and your misery and horror (you can’t sleep at night and have headaches constantly) you tell a friend what is really going on. Fortunately, she helps you find a good therapist. The therapeutic work is painful but healing. You finally recognize that this man whom you have loved is highly disturbed—a sociopath. You discover with research that he has a long history of taking advantage of women financially and sexually. You choose an excellent Divorce attorney and make a detailed plan to leave. You don’t give a clue to Clint about your plans. During a weekend when he is heavily into a “Business Deal” you leave without a trace. You have chosen an excellent divorce attorney. All communications take place through the attorneys. One fine day the divorce is final. You have extricated yourself from an ultimate nightmare marriage to a sociopath. Not all life stories of marriages to sociopaths end as well as this one. Learn everything possible about the sociopathic personality and the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your LifeEmail: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Many spouses wait years , even decades on a wild, treacherous ride
with their narcissistic partner. As time passes they become more
miserable, weary and wary about their marital partner. There are many
rounds of couples therapy which do no good. In some cases the therapist
sides with the narcissistic spouse and convinces you that you have the
serious psychological problems that are causing problems with the
marriage. Narcissists are so clever and such fine actors that they fool
therapists with their charm and magnetism. After you have tried
everything possible and are at a turning point, you make the decision to
divorce your spouse.

I suggest you don’t announce your decision until you are fully prepared for every aspect of this event.
In some cases that are particularly acrimonious the spouse has her/his
attorney get in touch with the other side. Choosing the right attorney
is of utmost importance. It is wise to interview several lawyers who
specialize in divorce and family law. Get good referrals from your close
friends but remember that everyone is an individual. Don’t just agree to use the first lawyer you speak to, this is your future that you are trusting them with so you need to be sure the lawyer has your best interests at hear and not their billable hours. The best way to access a list of lawyers in your area is to carry out a search on your computer; if you live in Austin, Texas then you may want to search for Austin Divorce Lawyers. If it’s New York you call home, then search for NY Divorce Lawyers, and if you live in Los Angeles then you will want to search for LA Divorce Lawyers, for those who live in Massachusetts search for MA Divorce Lawyers, whevever you live just make sure to include your town, city or even state in your search term and that way you’ll be sure to find lawyers local to you, next you need to review some of their websites don’t just phone the first one you come across, make a list of the ones that you like the sound of and then call them, that way you are giving yourself the best chance to find a Divorce Lawyer that you will be comfortable in working with, one you can trust and one that you believe will have your best interest at heart. You should also consider their success rate; An uncontested divorce lawyer austin may make you more comfortable with what’s to come than one that isn’t. Don’t let others make your mind up for you, remember it is your
decision alone. In addition to the professional skills, knowledge and
expertise of the lawyer, consider his or her personality. This
individual must have a keen sense of the nature of the narcissistic
personality. You want a lawyer who is calm, competent and your loyal
advocate at all times. The attorney needs to be quick at perceiving some
new ruse the narcissist and his attorney have hatched to sabotage you.
One plan is to wear you down so far emotionally and physically that you
are not up for the challenge. Make sure you take very good care of
yourself especially during this time. Get your sleep, take time to be
quiet and calm each day through meditation, gentle yoga, exercise,
journaling—what works best for you. This is your time. Take full
advantage of it. Keep focused on your personal, creative and
professional strengths. Know that you will prevail.Turn to a few friends
whom you trust completely and allow yourself to be nurtured by them.
Some spouses that brief psychotherapy during this time is highly
supportive and informative. When you form a strong therapeutic alliance
with an excellent therapist it can make a great difference in moving
through this process. Interview several therapists if that is necessary.

Take the upper road but be keenly aware that the narcissist is a street
fighter who hits below the belt and can get down and dirty. You already
know this from being married to him/her. Don’t be surprised at the
outrageous lengths he will go to intimidate you or trap you or use a
well hatched trick to take the financial assets that are lawfully yours.
Protect your children by being tough and don’t lose your cool. The
narcissist want you off balance and out of control so he can show how
disturbed you are. He/she will lie about you. Know that the people who
are truly your friends know exactly who you are and the others who
believe him must be dismissed.

Give yourself credit.
You are about to become free after years of psychological imprisonment.
Call upon the warrior inside of you, the one who knows exactly who this
person is and also knows that you will prevail.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


You Can’t Fix Your Narcissistic Mother

If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you have worn
yourself out, trying to make her different. She suffers from a severe,
fixed personality disorder that does not change. Her lies, the terror
that she inflicts, her psychological and emotional blows upon you are 
unconscious projections of her self hatred. This is not about you; it’s
about her psychopathology.  Stop blaming yourself, if that’s what you
have been doing since you were a child. Free yourself of guilt.

If
a brother or sister of yours has been treated since birth as a prince
or princess, that’s because mother chose them to mirror her belief that
she is perfect. She aspired to create a clone of herself. Having a
chosen brother or sister in the family makes life more painful. You were
always compared with the perfect one and of course came up short. None
of this is true but how could you have known when you were a small
child. Now you know that this sibling is a full fledged narcissistic
personality—another person you want to avoid and who has a complete
lack of empathy.

We can heal and change our attitudes
toward ourselves. We must develop self mercy and look at the small child
inside of us who has suffered so much and soothe and give love to this
little one. Great healing takes place by going into the calming mode in
the nervous system. This is done in a variety of ways. Gentle yoga with
emphasis on breathing through the nostrils brings a feeling of deep
relaxation into the body/mind.

Cardiovascular exercise (what works
for you) removes obsessive thinking and brings us to a state of peace. 
Some people benefit from working with an excellent acupuncturist who
facilitates your dropping down into the most restful state. Listening to
calming music, sketching, journaling are all ways to switch us back to
where we belong–in a state of rest and peace. In this inner place you
leave all of your emotional pain behind. You are linked with a healing
dynamic that we have within us. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mother Severely Destructive to Her Children

The narcissistic mother is cold, robotic, ruthless and cruel. She has
no real feelings for her children except for the one who is most like
her–the golden one. This is the special boy or girl whom she has picked
as  a living god like a pharaoh. NMs live through these children who
can do no wrong, who have no limits and are allowed to abuse their
brothers and sisters without any consequences.

Unchosen
children live in constant fear, apprehension, always waiting for the
next catastrophe. Their nervous systems are always turned on the fight
or flight syndrome.  They don’t know what it means to feel safe. Many of
them have horrible insomnia or night terrors. They worry that mother
will come in and start screaming at them or even beating them. Secret
punishments that cause humiliation and constant terror are meted out
regularly. When you live with a narcissistic mother you exist in a kind
of gulag. There is no escape; you feel helpless and alone and there is
an enduring sense that this hell is never going to end.  Some children
of narcissistic mothers feel deep inside that they are bad and defective
human beings. “What have I done wrong?” What horrible things have I
done to mom that she hates me so much? “I can’t stop hearing her
screaming in my ears?” “I get scared every night that she’s coming in my
room to hit me and then send me away. Where will I go?’

Every
despicable word or deed you can imagine has been perpetrated by
narcissistic mothers, especially if they are sociopathic. They are
highly sadistic and smirk and smile when their children are most
terrified by them. They love to shock even a small child just to watch
the kind of power they have over him. They cram food down their throats,
put them on hunger regimens, make them eat food that has spoiled,
demand they  stand in their feces for hours. You name it, they’ve done
it!.

The psychological impact of having a narcissistic
mother is devastating. There are actually some people who don’t believe
these life stories. I say the hell with them. Don’t give anyone who
doesn’t believe you the slightest attention. You know exactly what you
have live through. There are so many people who are incapable of
empathy. If it didn’t happen to them, it doesn’t exist. How narcissistic
is that!

Adult children of narcissistic mothers can
continue to suffer in the aftermath of their abuse. Many of them find
healing by working with excellent psychotherapists, practicing healing
modalities like gentle yoga with its emphasis on the slow breath through
the nostrils, acupuncture can bring the quieting parasympathetic
nervous system experience to those who have suffered this level of
abuse. Many survivors of maternal narcissistic abuse find their way back
to inner peace, the loving acceptance of their real selves and the
activation of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic
personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Sociopaths are Dangerous in the Workplace

The narcissistic sociopath has become more socially acceptable in our
current society. The goal to “win” at all costs has become the mantra
of our times. There is a distinct lack of conscience among many in the
business world whether we are talking about large corporations, banking,
finance, government projects, the defense industry, entertainment,
media, etc. There are tremendous exceptions of individuals who are very
successful in their careers who have a strong conscience, are highly
competent and very ethical. We are fortunate that these people are part
of our society today.

Once the narcissistic sociopath
has gained sufficient power in a large corporation he builds fiefdoms
that are under his absolute control. Some of these individuals
purposely become involved in intimate relationships with their superiors
and those above them, to make sure that they are protected from any
reprisals. The boss or super boss of the narcissistic sociopath is
vulnerable to be extorted as a result of an intimate relationship with
this person. There are instances in which the NS has video and listening
devices set up in advance of the sexual liaison. He or she can hold
this over the boss’s head indefinitely. The NS can threaten to go to the
wife or husband and blow the secret wide open. The NS plans to trap the
boss or ultra boss so he can run the table and be free to do whatever
he wants.

If you run across the narcissistic sociopath
in your work environment, keep your distance if you can. You don’t want
to become involved with one of these individuals under any
circumstances. If this person is a colleague, be polite and professional
and go about your business. If he or she is your boss, then you have a
decision to make. Eventually there is a chance this NS will want to get
you involved in one of his unethical and illegal schemes. When this time
comes, don’t be surprised,  be prepared. You might want to work on a
lateral transfer to another department. Make your plans–save your money
to have in reserve. You might have to leave this job. It is not worth
being under the thumb of a NS. These people are very destructive to
everyone in their environment. Trust your intuition and listen to the
voice inside that tells you that you are in the presence of a malevolent
person, the narcissistic sociopath.  Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sing Your Own Tune Not the Narcissist’s

We all have music inside of us. It may be a small voice that calls
from inside that is barely heard. It may be a swelling sound like a
river held back too long that is bursting to go over its banks. When we
are little many of us sing to ourselves and if we are fortunate, others
share their voices with us. Song has been with us for thousands of
years. It is a part of our nature. We were meant to move to rhythm and
to hum and sing. Listen to very small children and you know that is part
of who we are.  When we sing and give power to our voices, we are whole
and free.

Those who are tied to the narcissist in a
charade marriage narrow their chances of becoming the person they were
meant to be.  The narcissist demands mirroring of him/her alone. He is
the master; you are the follower.

He is always right–impeccable.
You make all the mistakes. Every fine idea or creative endeavor evolves
out of him, even when its origin is yours. You can never win with a
narcissist. They may create a comfortable lifestyle that is consistent
with your external goals but where is the heart of the narcissist. It
can’t be found. Narcissists are masters of pseudo empathy and caring
when they have to play the part but once the drama is over and they have
gotten exactly what they wanted, they revert back to their fits of
rage, recriminations, constant lies and ruthlessness.

If
you have had more than enough and can hear your own song in your head
and it is getting louder and your intuition is messaging you frequently,
pay attention. You are being told to make a decision, to take a
different road, to activate yourself fully as an individual without
limitations.  We come to this earth in our present form once only. Make
this one count. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth,
visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No Longer In Shadow of Narcissistic Sister

I hear from many sisters who were psychologically dismissed because
they existed in the shadow of their older sister golden child. She was
beautiful and bright. Everyone paid attention to her. Her birth was long
awaited and she became the star of the family immediately. The
narcissistic mother worshiped gorgeous Sis. Second sister Alyce was not
an extrovert. She was quiet and  intelligent. Alyce learned to survive
by living in her older sister’s  shadow. She  tried to imitate her
manner of speech and gestures, thinking that she would be able to get
her mother’s attention and love if she succeeded. Instead Alyce was
laughed at, demeaned and humiliated. The narcissistic mother who was
psychologically fused with her older daughter would mimic Alyce, even in
front of company. Alyce was so hurt that she ran to her room and cried
uncontrollably. No one came upstairs to see how she was feeling. She knew
that her mother and sister didn’t care. They were too engrossed with
one another in mutual adoration mode. Alyce learned to keep very
quiet and become invisible to this duo. She didn’t have confidence in
herself and hid in her studying and books. When Alyce left for college she was relieved to get away from the narcissistic abuse.  

The psychological pain
remained with Alyce. She found excuses not to visit the family on
Holidays. After going through a rough period of depression, Alyce sought
psychotherapy. She developed a strong therapeutic alliance with the
therapist and went through the process of grieving for the mother
she never had and a sister that could do without her. It was difficult
work. Alyce emerged emotionally stronger and steadier, more clear about
her true identity as an individual and appreciative of her unique gifts.
As time passed Alyce severed her relationship with her narcissistic
mother and narcissistic sister.

She is no longer in the shadow of
her narcissistic sister nor does she fear the disapproval and cruelty of
her mother. She has gone through a process of personal transformation.
Alyce feels free to move ahead with confidence and optimism about her
present and future. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic
personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The Narcissistic Style Has Taken Over

The narcissistic style is obsessive self involvement sprinkled with
lack of empathy, compassion and doses of  of materialism and the need
for external perfection. There are countless individuals who lead their
lives with consideration for others and who will stop and help people
they don’t know. They provide comfort to their friends and are present
and loving to their families and people whom they have never met before.

I
am talking about what has happened to many individuals in the course of
a decade or so. The narcissistic style is being highly rewarded by
corporations, amid many social circles, in the media and entertainment.

Externals
of face, body, figure, clothing, connections, glamour and youth are
rewarded over kindness, consideration of others, thoughtfulness, empathy
and deep awareness. It has become a Darwinian world. Many people are
out strictly for themselves and brag about it with their constant self
references of success, monetary gain and, with regard to parents, the
perfection  and brilliance of their children.

Many
individuals need to wake up and realize that some people lead very
difficult if not impossible lives. They had it very rough as children.
They were dismissed, abused, neglected, beaten, psychologically
deprived, physically ill and poverty stricken. Never assume when you
meet someone that they have not had a very painful background and that
every moment of their life now is trying. I am sickened by the lack of
sensitivity and awareness of those who have taken up the narcissistic
style as a way of life. Learn to tune in to the other person before you
start bragging about yourself and all of your achievements and monetary
worth.  Keep still and listen and take the other person in. Then you
will know what to say about yourself and when to keep quiet.

There
are extraordinary human beings who are so empathic they restore your
belief in the goodness of people. We need more of them. If you are one
of these, appreciate yourself. Let your light shine. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sociopathic Narcissists Have The Killer Instinct

The grandiose narcissist needs to have his/her ego constantly
stroked. He knows how to reel people in. He plays to their dependency
needs, material desires, their aspirations for wealth and power. He can
take one look at a woman and know how to get her under his control. Many
women fall for this master of charm with all the gilded promises. With a
narcissist you are lead to believe that you life will be unlimited,
that you can have every high and pleasurable experience you’ve ever
wanted, that you will never have to worry about money, security, social
status. You will always be royal. Woman with very successful careers and
professions still fall for charming narcissistic men. They become
entranced, hypnotized.

The sociopathic narcissist is
several steps beyond his classic brother narcissist. He doesn’t have a
whiff of conscience. He is involved in illegal activities as part of his
lifestyle. He secretly leads a number of lives and has a keen killer
instinct. You get in his way and your life is toast. That is the force
of his dangerous darkness. He may threaten you openly or keep his plans
secret but watch out if you confront him. Those who go along with him
are not leading their own lives. They stay there because of all the
perks which are a constant distraction like a merry go round that is
moving faster and faster. The giddiness of having anything you want is
intoxicating.

Sociopathic narcissists are disastrous
parents. They are incapable of forming any kind of relationship with
them. Sometimes the child looks up to the father or mother because this
person is very successful and powerful. Some narcissistic sociopaths
choose one child to mirror him. He becomes the golden boy or girl and
can do no wrong.

Sociopathic narcissists are
psychological killers in business. They terrorize their rivals. They
have close allies and partners that make the lives of their competitors a
living hell. They step over ethical and legal boundaries all of the
time and don’t get caught because they have a coterie of killer instinct
sociopathic lawyers.

When you decide to divorce a
sociopathic narcissist, make your preparations secretly and take your
time to do a lot of research. Interview several attorneys who understand the way these people tick. The soon to be ex is out for blood and will stop at nothing to win.  Find an attorney who is
not intimidated in the slightest with these personalities, someone who
remains calm when the long knives come out. Use all of your resources to
get the support you need. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful
during this time. Find friends that are available to support you and
stick with this ordeal. You will prevail. Keep telling yourself that
this is a marathon and you are up to the race and will cross the finish
line with a smile on your face.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com