“Paranoia is a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in an unfriendly and dangerous inner world..Inside, he is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)
All narcissists are paranoid on some level. They look over their shoulders, fortify their ramparts, create traps to assure their psychological safety. They are highly secretive about this. They don’t want anyone to know their secrets.
Narcissists have never developed Basic Trust–which is the human capacity to feel internally protected and secure within yourself and to learn how to develop meaningful relationships with others.
Narcissists throughout their lives have psychologically, emotionally and financially crushed countless people, especially those closest to them—their spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children. There is a pervasive pattern of narcissistic abuse that involves the stealing of financial security by the narcissistic spouse. I have heard and read innumerable life stories of spouses who believed that they could obtain a fair divorce settlement only to discover that monetary assets had been hidden and then placed under the control of the narcissist. In a number of cases the injured spouse is not able to obtain legal representation because they have no funds. The narcissist hires a very savvy high powered attorney who prevails in the divorce court. Some of these malicious narcissists end up with custody of the children. They don’t give a damn about their children. This is a form of revenge for them and a way of maintaining their image of “good father.”
Despite their success professionally in the world and lack thereof, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself.
The tragedy continues with those who are victimized by the narcissist and their number is legion. Those are the individuals to whom I reach out. Learn to protect yourself from the pathological paranoid narcissist.
I am so grateful for sites like yours that help me to understand the abuse I have endured and am still trying to get away from by divorce, and hopefully begin to heal from this truly devastating relationship. thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The book “How they Stash the cash” is an excellent resource.
My boys father even spent about $100,000 of their higher education funds.
This has been awesome for me … I have narccissic husband
And all that I have been reading has helped-me
I have this paranoia. I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother and our family fits into the
pattern you describe. My half- brother has even joked with me, “Yes! There’s a conspiracy!!” My question is, is it fair to criticize our mothers or fathers if we, as their children, have the same traits? Yes, my parents were the initiators of my problems dealing with life and the people in it, but then again, the paranoia is mine. And plenty of people have been hurt because of it.
Mozart had a very abusive father, and look what he did with his pain. I hope someday I can care enough about other people, or at the least express my pain in such a way that is cathartic and beneficial to others- even if at my paranoid
distance.
I cannot believe how accurately Dr. Martinez-Lewi describes the narcissistic personality and all the wreckage they leave in their wake. I have witnessed firsthand the pain left by my adopted mother and subsequent ex-husband, both of whom expressed interest in our relationship only as long as I submitted to their exploitation. My former spouse deserted me with our four children and left us destitute. Now, 15 years later as they have grown into educated, self-sufficient adults, he has reappeared to claim their accomplishments. There is no level to which they will not stoop and no lie they will not tell to save face and exploit those around them.
Narcissists are so charming and innocent when they want to be. Then you let your guard down. It’s hard to balance the energies of hyper vigilance versus the relief of finally figuring out you deserve to relax and be free!
Hello Linda,
We spoke on the phone a couple of years ago when I was very disturbed and upset because of my partner’s narcissistic abuse. I’m from Australia. I want to tell you that I finally left him. It’s been a year now since I left and I’m feeling so relieved and free now. I planned my departure, organised a removalist and moved out while he was at work. He had no idea. This was the only way I knew I could take my things from his house without him standing over me and refusing to let me have anything. I had the support of a close friend who helped me move out. Before I moved out I was clear in my purpose and as I had previously researched narcissism and what I could expect, I photocopied as many of his documents as possible as I knew he would lie and I would never see them again and I needed them to take him to court and prove my case against him and try to get back my money he has taken from me. I have so much evidence accumulated now and have a strong case to take to court next year in February. Thank God I did not have any children with this man. The last week in his house was a horrible nightmare of abuse and threats to destroy me and my home business by cutting off my power, ringing my employer, destroying my reputation with lies. He turned off the hot water, rampaged around the house yelling abuse and barricading me in rooms by blocking the doorway with his body and projecting his own behaviour on to me, yelling and accusing. I called the police a couple of times but all that achieved was my partner insinuating I had a mental health issue. The police weren’t helpful. I had my children from a previous relationship living there through this also and the police told me that if I didn’t do something about my situation they would ring the Department of Child Services which had the potential of me losing my children. I knew I had to go and once I decided that was what I wanted to do I secured a rental property (I was fortunate enough at that time I had tax return money in my account), and I took steps to remove myself. I am so much happier now but still have to go through court next year, but I feel as prepared as I can possibly be. Thank you for your advice to me years ago. Your advice along with my research and reading on narcissism all played a part in me reaching the big life-changing decision to leave.
Kind regards
Catherine
I have been married to a Maronite Christian Lebanese man for 20 years and we have two children a 16 y/o son and a 10y/o daughter. I thought his behaviors were because of the war in Lebanon that he had to bear arms and fight to defend his home. Then I saw that in his family was a learned behavior that kept repesting itself, disrepect towards one another and throwing of objects and cursing and spitting at each other. Domestic violence was covered up quite well, this is normal for us and nothing happened. After 20 years you see patterns of behavior and response that are not healthy. You are correct I have been taking care of the 10 year old daughter who was born prematurely with various medical needs, which had prevented me to work. I find myself with no money and looking for a lawyer. Amazing how since he has his own business there is no probono or legal aid. There is an asset so no legal aid. I have to go by myself to file for divorce. Collaborative law is an option because that way he comes out looking like the good guy. My smartest thing is to get out alive while I still have a chance. There behavior is so unpredictable. He wants me out in the streets.
I am alive. I am out x5 weeks. I am at least #4 on the list of previous psycho-bitches that attempted to build a life with him, never dreaming that this amazingly kind, compassionate, funny, brilliant and good-looking gentleman was only waiting for his chance to spew his deadly venom and weave the fabric of lies he creates to destroy his victims. I have been devastated physically, financially, and emotionally. Spiritually, never stronger. I will survive. I have had nothing but time to observe and absorb his manipulations and deceptions. The pain I feel for the current source of his ego-stroking web of duplicity is immense knowing they, too, will feel the fangs of deceit biting them. All living creatures are there for his use and abuse, until they are sucked dry, then they become garbage, unfit for further consumption. His prey, wrapped in paralyzing strands of fake silk, struggles for survival and escape. The left behind snippets and tapestries of life, my ‘things’, have been added to his sick trophy box. Things are never discarded. They may become dusty or relegated to a closet, but must be kept. Gifts he will bestow to the next vulnerability he ensnares; gifts he will gaze upon from time-to-time to remind himself of his prowess. Love and truth reside in my heart. I am recovering. I will do more than survive this brutally blindsiding assault; I will thrive.
i have kicked my x out 4 years ago , but still up till now i cannot get over what he has done , & yes he does not want any one to know what he has done ,.
i would love to hear from you ,.
Despite their success professionally in the world and lack thereof, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself.
I don’t believe this to be accurate, inasmuch as a narc mother imposes a ‘role’ on all her children, she never sees any of them as they really are. So, why is only one of my sisters a narc like mother, as none of us have been ‘seen’ for who we really are.
I, as a scapegoat child have never felt safe, cherished, or seen for myself, I cannot trust, yet, I am not narcissistic.
Why?
IMO most NPDs are born that way. My Narc sister was always ‘different’.
It cannot be all about neglect/abuse or not being ‘seen’ as if that was true I would be a narc.
Despite their success professionally in the world and lack thereof, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself.
I don’t believe this to be accurate, inasmuch as a narc mother imposes a ‘role’ on all her children, she never sees any of them as they really are. So, why is only one of my sisters a narc like mother, as none of us have been ‘seen’ for who we really are.
I, as a scapegoat child have never felt safe, cherished, or seen for myself, I cannot trust, yet, I am not narcissistic.
Why?
IMO most NPDs are born that way. My Narc sister was always ‘different’.
It cannot be all about neglect/abuse or not being ‘seen’ as if that was true I would be a narc.
Been treated badly and like I did not exist left me feeling depersonalised, depressed and lonely, no self esteem, suicidal ideation, with OCD and with other anxiety problems.
My N sister was chosen by mother as the favorite, the ‘Golden Child’. That adored and feted ‘dear’ child that can do no wrong. I believe mother chose her because she ‘sensed’ that this child was a creature like herself, another narcissist, this was the one she would mould into her mini me.
It is difficult with my older mother because I think all older people get a little paranoid about money. But she is way out there just like this post describes. She gets very angry and is extremely scared that something bad is going to happen with her money and her precious furniture. She loves them both more than me. Catastrophic thinking, black and white judgments and fear make for an insecure life. I sure wish it could be over for her but at 96 she seems to be doing just fine because she focuses on herself so much. Thank you for this very accurate post.
Just a simple question:
These types of people do they find out the morals and values of another and then eventually try to cross all the boundries until the other person has enough and then leaves? Then, the narc, is not to blame cause the victim walked out? Is this sort of on the right track ??
Just got through 3 year divorce with narcissist, and he bribed 16 year old daugher away with new car and his credit card. She is getting in a fair amount of trouble already, and has not visited me or called in 8 months except by text. Her hostile behavior is not consistent with anything that has happened between us.
Now he’s working on 14 year old son who stayed with me. Somehow the narcissist is creating a rift between my children and me that I cannot explain. I cannot get them to talk. Spouse never spent time with them when he was home, but now portraying himself as a great dad. Denies them nothing, no discipline. Constantly tells people no one can get along with me, including the children.
Do I have to let the children go and figure it out for themselves? Because my son is now “choosing” to go with him, I am back in court being coerced to sign a custody agreement to let him go with his dad. Same unexplained hostility toward me, and says “his dad lets HIM choose where he wants to stay.”
Is there anything I can do to thwart the tactics of the narcissist and save my children from the inevitable abuse once I am gone and he tires of them? Especially when my children won’t talk?
Please help!
I bought your book a while back, but have kept it hidden in fear of my husband’s wrath. My husband has been unreasonable all his life, especially with money issues. I made excuses for him, thinking he was burdened with a mental health issue and couldn’t respond the way normal people can. I suffered when my wants and needs were dismissed.
He served me with divorce papers recently after unjustly accusing me of infidelity. He is paranoid and delusional. He has convinced his present counselor that he is normal. He says his therapist told him that I want a doctor to label him as mentally ill to justify my affairs (there are none). I have now been accused of being the narcissist. Is this common? That someone suffering from a personality disorder decides they are fine, and their partner is bad?
This essay above describes my husband. I am getting screwed financially. He liquidated most assets behind my back. He took an early retirement without a pension, and depends on my meager income. He worked on an agenda for 9 months with his therapist to time his divorce to his convenience. He needed the gift of time to make himself whole…and my medical insurance.
I will feel better when this is over. Never thought I’d be broke at retirement age. He makes amazing money when he works, but he doesn’t want to work until after the divorce.
Hello,
I have been reading a lot about NPD. The narcissist victimizes, is someone who should be avoided. But how does a person become a narcissist? Hasn’t the person also suffered a lot as a result of which s/he has become a narcissist? Why is the Narcissist’s suffering undermined?
Is there no way to heal a narcissist? Is there no way to make them realize that what they are doing is wrong? Aren’t they themselves suffering somewhere deep down in their pshyche? Please answer. I’m looking for a cure/ a way to heal a narcissist.
Regards,
Bharati
I think a Narcissist cannot be cured from what I learn here. Only community can help and most people shun a narcissist and they push everyone away so it is hard to get them into a community. My mom is very isolated and I find I am isolating too. It is a personality disorder. Hers seems to come from trauma in her childhood and in WWII. I think she has some PTSD too. Post traumatic stress disorder.
Good luck. If there truly is no cure then all you can do is save yourself so that you can help them with their troubles and they have lots of them. Don’t give yourself away to them as then you are no help. Just keep healthy boundaries. Be wary. It isn’t going to change. Only you can change and be ok.
I would say get far away from him and be done. Healthy boundaries are so important with someone like that. Good luck! You deserve better!!
There are shelters for women who need a safe place to stay instead of the streets and they will take your daughter too and help you get a legal divorce. They have locked doors and security. Good luck. I hope you escape. Poor is better than what you have endured for twenty years.
Catherine, yes you are on the right track. The Narc that I’m with say he is tried of me accusing and blaming and he is through but I don’t have to leave he says. He haven’t touched me in a month and don’t want me to touch him. No matter what I do or say he get very abusive and when I defend myself I’m a crazy woman. He get up saying abusive things and lay down saying them.. Just anything I do is not right.. If I close the window he get mad if I turn on or off the air he’s mad.. But when I say something he don’t want to hear anymore… I know that I’m being very abused..
I’m not trying to put anybody down but do the narcissist have mental problems or evil… It’s really scary living with people that never think they are wrong… No matter what he say or do I caused it.. This has really taken me down and I don’t know why it’s so hard to just walk out and leave. I’m happy I found this site because right now I need Jesus and everybody else.. I need someone to talk to.
They are never wrong and act really nice in front of people.. They will cast the blame on you and have you self doubting yourself. They will tell people you are crazy and when they use you up they are through with you… I understand how you feel my sister. I feel your pain and your tears. It will get better just stay strong and if you can see my email address please feel free to email me..