Narcissists are Shameful but Shameless

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion most of us experience. When we are shamed, we feel like we want to disappear, to become invisible. Shame is an intolerable feeling. We are humiliated and feel very small, even non-existent. Children who have been shamed by their parent (s) often carry these feelings into adulthood. Deeply ingrained shame can lead to a sense of inadequacy, unworthiness and not having a solid resilient sense of self.

The narcissistic personality is the opposite. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) He or she can commit the cruelest acts and say the meanest words to another with the intention of hurting them and feel absolutely no shame or guilt as a result. A narcissist can watch the withering blows that his raging has on his victim and not even blink. He views this person as weak and insignificant, someone who is worthless. Narcissists have no sense of limits. They lead their lives without the borders of decency, compassion or conscience. Their speed on life’s highway is always full throttle even when their malicious and careless behaviors psychological, financially and emotionally harm the lives of others, even their own families. Narcissists go to any lengths to get what they want. If a sibling is in the way of their collecting on a parent’s will, they will make sure that they become very cozy with their elderly relative, spread convincing lies about the brother or sister and successfully pressure the aging parent to let them take charge of all of their financial matters. This happens all the time.

Narcissists are particularly shameful when it comes to personal, intimate relationships, including marriage. To most narcissists, marriage is not a true union—it is a one sided business deal. Narcissists write their own marriage vows–“I will do what works for me. When you (my spouse) no longer fulfill my needs or desires or my narcissistic supplies, I will discard you without notice.” This is the unstated but true marriage deal that one makes with a narcissist. Even if a marriage lasts for several decades you can be sure that the narcissistic partner is doing a lot of “sexual free-lancing” on the side. Narcissists are highly skilled at juggling women. If the narcissistic partner is exposed, he tells an easy lie and moves on.

Narcissists are not good parents. They are too self absorbed, greedy and self entitled to give their attention and care to a small child. They will make sure that the family photos are seen by all of those who count. This is part of their elaborate image that must be perpetuated. They are not hands on parents. Children of narcissistic parents often speak of how they were abandoned, forgotten or never remembered. Mother or father was too busy working and having a good time to be with kids. Some narcissistic parents buy their kids off, offering them gifts rather than affection, attention or empathy. The narcissistic parent believes that he is a good human being and has done everything possible for his children.

In some instances the narcissistic mother or father chooses one child who is a standout–pretty, handsome, very bright, talented–to be the perfect reflection of themselves. They mold this child in their likeness and believe that he or she can do no wrong and is superior to the other children. Unfortunately, some of these children become narcissists who grow up to be shameful and shameless, cruel and duplicitous like their parent (s).

Become knowledgeable about the narcissistic personality. Appreciate who you are as an individual. Draw clear psychological boundaries, especially with narcissistic personalities. Take very good care of yourself. Use your creative gifts. You will find and nourish relationships of genuine caring and trust.

6 thoughts on “Narcissists are Shameful but Shameless”

  1. So true. My mother was a Covert Narcissist so her behaviors were more subdued and extremely passive aggressive. She was a master at making you feel worthless, yet at the same time those who saw the behaviors sincerely believed she was in the right. These creatures are so adept at making themselves appear as perfect beings that most cannot, will not believe that their persona is nothing more than a perfected facade while beneath is a sadistic, self-centered, spiteful, hurtful beast. There is only one way to not be affected…learn to recognize them and then avoid at all costs. I was born to one and unfortunately it took me 50 yrs to escape her. I doubt that I’ll ever be the person I want to be, I’ll never reach my true potential, or have a true relationship, but I can and will find happiness now that I understand the illness and in doing so I’ve also found some medicine.

  2. Hello,
    I’m 33 and have been abused by my narc parents my entire life.My violent father recently hit me.Immediately after that and whenever i remember the event,i feel a suffocating,overwhelming shame.On a logical level,my mind knows that the shame really belongs to them,not me.Still,i can’t stop feeling shame.I can’t look myself in the mirror,i lost my dignity and my self-respect.It’s as if i were raped,but emotionally,not sexually.I know that my parents are the problem,not me.That’s why i don’t feel guilt,but shame.Can you tell me why i feel shame and how to get rid of it? Thank you.

  3. “If a sibling is in the way of their collecting on a parent’s will, they will make sure that they become very cozy with their elderly relative, spread convincing lies about the brother or sister and successfully pressure the aging parent to let them take charge of all of their financial matters. This happens all the time.”

    This has been my situation for the past two years, my narcissistic (and Golden Child) sister totally monopolised mother after she had a stroke, omnipresent, conniving, manipulating, she plotted and lied.
    ‘Oh mum, why don’t you, sell your house to me? I will look after it—————and wouldn’t it be nice if it stayed in the family mum? You know you can trust me’ .
    Read; I want the house cheap, I want, deserve EVERYTHING mother, because *I* am SOOO special.
    She and her N husband told mother she was to cut me out, that I was undeserving, you know how it goes.
    But mother and father had decided years ago when they wrote their will that everything would be shared equally. This drove narc sister crazy, over two years she became increasingly incensed, bitter and twisted. The lies became more and more ridiculous.
    Then, one day narc sister put mother in a care house, without informing anyone, even mother didn’t know this had all be arranged until the day came!
    Wow.
    Mother had never wanted to go in a home. I told her to say NO to N sister to tell her in no uncertain terms that she would NOT go into the home. But she wouldn’t, she did as N sister demanded.
    She hated it, within 3 weeks she was dead, killed by her precious golden child who could do no wrong.
    Its been a very distressing two years.

  4. Thanks so much for writing all that you know about narcissists here. It really helps to read the facts so I can set boundaries with my narcissistic mother. I deserve better.

  5. Its so unreal how narcissists r. They r Ruthless.ive been dating a N 4. 1 1/2 yrs. I made him mad so 2day is 28 days of silent treatment, 4rom him. He did me a favor cuz this is ENOUGH…. NO CONTACT 4ROM NOW ON.

  6. Do narcissists really feel no Shane’s whatsoever? Or are they so completely disconnected from their authentic self that they cannot acknowledge ‘shame’, or actively avoid feeling ‘shame’.
    The narcissist formerly in my life, a ‘friend’, verbally abused and behaved in ways that I have never ever experienced in my life. Truly outrageous and despicable, unspeakable. This is not personal to me, I realise, as he is a total mispgynist and views ‘women’ as the enemy. It seems that there is no level that the narcissist won’t stoop to in order to ‘win’, whatever inexplicable game he is playing.
    Ruthlessly explorative; he still owes me a large amount of money and yet comes up with all sorts of nonsensical and illogical accusations to deflect away from this fact. If anyone had told me that such a person existed I’d never have believed it.
    I am mostly emotionally and mentally free now from the narcissist due to pretty rigorous no contact for a good while. The only control he thinks he had over me is that he withholds my own money from me. Despite that I am happier and healthier than I have been since I crossed paths with this sociopath.

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