I am reminded again and again, constantly, from the victims of narcissistic mothers, fathers, spouses, ex-spouses, siblings that narcissists don’t ever have genuine relationships. Their false relating is based on What They Want From You–money, use of your creative gifts, your adulation, your life service to them, your role as the ongoing, endless recipient of their abuse. They intend to take your life psychologically and They Do.
You are the one who is not sleeping, who is anxious all of the time, exhausted, even physically ill. So often I see that the narcissist does not become sick but his spouse, child, sibling does. Yes, the person who loves this psychological vulture for decades is the one who has chronic illnesses or surgeries or stress reactions.
The narcissist goes about his/her life without any illness whatsoever. He is projecting his venom constantly and it is being absorbed by his victims. I know of a number of narcissists (who probably have great health genes) who have rarely been ill. Everyone around them is suffering emotionally, psychologically and physically but they continue to go about their business of aggressively, treacherously, even criminally making their way in the world splendidly while those around them are dropping like flies.
Narcissists are rewarded in our world today for the very qualities that destroy those closest to them. This is a time of an epidemic of pathological narcissism, the rise of the ego to the highest crest of the wave, the idolization and endless pursuit of power and material possessions, the complete lack of empathy and a horrendous disdain for those who have not succeeded, who have become weak as a result of the burdens, tragedies and tenuous fate of their lives. Narcissists eye you and make judgments. You are a winner or a loser. There is no humanity in their distinctions, no mercy, no compassion. They take and take and never stop until they destroy you unless you identify them, sever your relationship with them and begin the work of self healing for the rest of your life.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Comment:From Sophie
You are a lifesaver! I had a therapist say to me when I was about 20 that I would be better off if my parents were dead, rather than dealing with the abuse. They are both still alive but I only respond when they call me. My relationship with them is over. Sometimes I feel I just don’t have the energy or time left (I’m over 50) to start living properly and without depression. But just started an anti-depressant, so WILL get on with it soon. I hope my experience with a truly scary narcissistic family may help someone else someday.
Comment:From Valda
Hi! My extreme narcissistic sister attempts to get attention through illness or injury. She absolutely is unable to relate to anyone else that has health problems and tries to out do another person if they mention being ill. It’s her need for constant attention. This has been difficult for me in the past due to me being an RN and dedicating my life to the service of others. Unfortunately it has meant that I must shrink to almost nonexistence. I have since retired and have cut off contact with my sister and now I can finally provide care for myself and my complex health issues. Better late than never!
Comment:From Valda
Hi! I think the most difficult part of cutting off contact with parents, siblings, spouse, and/or children is that there is no family left and you are left feeling as though you are an orphan. I spend time each day basking in the peace that I feel now that I know why my family has been so abusive and volatile. But I do miss not having a family and I’m sure that you do too. I am 61 years old and I finally found that place of peace and happiness. Take good care!
Comment:From Doug
I do relate, Sophie. Although it was just my mother who was the Narcissist. My father was her victim as well as her children were. He overworked and eventually died of a massive coronary at 43. My father loved his children more than any father I’ve ever known, but she kept him from being that Dad to us. Because of her, he overworked and was over stressed and died early. I will always blame her. This is what these emotional vampires do. Take, take take and take until you have nothing left and then they bury you and move on. Your counselor was right, you’d have been better off, as I would have been better off. My best to as you heal. I’m just about 50 and my healing is just beginning as well. If you’d like to talk, I’m available.