Narcissistic Siblings Cause Psychological and Financial Family Ruptures

You have known this brother or sister all of your life–at least you thought you did. This individual as far back as you can remember was demanding, self absorbed, highly competitive and didn’t care about how you felt. Yet, mom and/or dad thought this budding narcissist was just fine–even superior. (This post refers to male and female narcissistic siblings.)

You remember as you think back how intimidated you were by this sibling despite his birth order. In some families the oldest son is the Prince and King in waiting. In others it is the younger daughter who is so “adorable” and talented–always taking center stage and demanding constant attention (which she gets.) These siblings were budding narcissists and now are full fledged.

You have known the truth about them most of your life but were unable to put a name or description to the feelings of discomfort, emotional pain, betrayal, confusion, shame or inadequacy you experienced when compared with them. “Why can’t you be more organized and disciplined like James?” “Why are you always daydreaming and not getting to your chores or homework like your brother?” “Your beautiful sister is so outgoing and has tons of friends–Everyone likes her. Why can’t you be more sociable and friendly?” These comments from parents echo in your memory down the years. You have been compared to certain siblings all of your life.

No one accepted you for your true nature and priceless individuality, your creativity and spontaneity, your kindnesses and appreciation of beauty. These attributes were not prized in your family. No, it was the narcissistic traits that were rewarded–like all A’s in every class, becoming the top athlete in several sports, having the smoothest of social skills, etc., being an extrovert with driving confidence and total self entitlement.

Throughout your lives narcissistic siblings cause psychological pain and often financial ruptures within a family. They take sides to get What They Want!! You are not part of their goal equation. They want much more than their fair share of the family assets both while the parents are living and afterwards. There are constant power plays that are instigated by the narcissistic sibling. If the family has financial assets the narcissistic sibling places himself in a position to control them and eventually seize them. Sometimes they choose a sibling who will align with them in these power plays. They use the weaker brother or sister as an ally. Actually the narcissist is exploiting everyone, including this hand picked “ally.”

The classic situation is the narcissist’s plan to become indispensable to the parent who controls the financial assets. This sibling over time forms a special relationship of confidence with mother or father and makes sure that he will get the biggest piece of the family money and financial pie ultimately. Some of these cases go legal and become very ugly. Sometimes it becomes necessary follow the legal route with narcissistic siblings who demand everything and where there is a clear case that you are entitled to your fair share.

Family ruptures can occur as a result of the greed and venality of narcissistic siblings. This is a very painful complex situation. First, recognize who you are as an individual and know that despite everything you know the truth about your family and its narcissistic members.

Learn to value yourself and your talents and gifts and wonderful personal qualities. Take very good care of yourself and form alliances with friends that you trust and who are psychologically family to you. Protect yourself from the primitive projections of narcissistic brothers and sisters. Don’t let them control your emotions. Remember they are ejecting their unconscious feelings of self loathing on to you. This is a sign of their psychopathology not your inadequacy, deficits, etc. You may need to cut off contact with them since narcissists do not have psychological boundaries and lack empathy.

Take time each day to appreciate who you are. Spend moments quieting your body and mind through some form of meditation. This can be very short–a couple of minutes or less. Try to be consistent. Be unjudgmental as you go on this journey. I have found some very good guided meditations on You Tube. One is by the Honest Guys called Guided Meditation-Blissful Relaxation. It is 18 minutes long.  Listen as long or short as you wish.  The Honest Guys are British and their meditations have good production values and I find their accents to be calming and relaxing. Find what appeals to you and works for you.

Trust your intuition and the insights that come through to you during the day and the night. You will find others who share the truth with you. Sometimes we feel so alone and that no one understands us. There are a few individuals –and I think a growing group who are seeking the truth that is inside of them and from whom you will find resonance and validation.

 

 

45 thoughts on “Narcissistic Siblings Cause Psychological and Financial Family Ruptures”

  1. Yes, this is so true.
    My Narc sister has set herself up in my family home, with my Mum.
    Hoping my Mum is strong enough to not fall for any of my sisters tricks.
    Very worrying and stressful.
    It’s empowering to realise why I have been unable to find love for my sister.
    She hasn’t been nice to me,ever.Only pretends, when there’s something in it for her.
    That was confusing for me,as a kid…as an adult,I know I can’t trust her.

    1. Hi Joy, I am the third reply on this post. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this situation! I had read Linda’s posts regarding the narcissistic sibling taking the family estate when both parents die prior to my mother’s death. Well, my narcissistic identical twin sister (imagine that) manipulated my narcissistic mother and has taken everything in the estate. There’s really not much that can be done, at least here in the U.S. Take good care of you and blessings to you!

      1. Hi Everyone. I want to tell you what I did, because our stories are virtually the SAME STORY. I’m 60 years old and put up with my N. twin brother’s madness most of my life. My brother lives with mum who isn’t well, and still defends him, even though mum and dad had to endure his insane rages and the other narcissistic cruel traits. When dad died [we were 48 years old], things became unbearable for me. My brother was fairly okay with mum now, because he wanted her house. [He has a house of his own.] For the next 10 years he now directed ALL his terror to me. I was physically and mentally, a wreck. The depression and anxiety immobilised me. [I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t even peel an onion because I knew I couldn’t finish cutting it. The same with pegging out laundry. I was unable to finish]. This was my life. Still, I had to be there to do things for mum, acting like things were okay. [I got on medication], But still putting up with his insanity when I walked into her house. He would come rushing at me and screaming “I’ll kill you, you f……g slut.” Throw things at me and even put his hands around my throat “I’ll strangle you, you f…..g slut”. [always because he ‘believed’ I’d done something wrong, or didn’t do something etc. – I never knew what would set him off – walking on egg shells!] I’d already given my half of mum’s inheritance to him [when mum dies], thinking that it would make things better. It didn’t. At 58 years old, my husband said to me, “If you don’t leave, they will kill you”. By now I’d researched, and knew my brother was a narcissist, and he wouldn’t/couldn’t change. So, one weekend, we drove down the coast and ‘bought’ a modest house. I moved in there with our two dogs and a few belongings. [My husband has to stay at old place because of work.] I just want to tell you it was the best thing I ever did. I still talk to mum on the phone, but have NC [no contact] with my brother. [My husband comes down often]. It has taken two years for my mental health to come good. Not perfect, but in a nice place. Physically, I’m eating well and exercising and cooking! But I still smoke and drink. [Starting to work on those two now.] And I don’t regret for a second, letting my brother have my share of inheritance. It’s like a great weight off my shoulders. Financially poorer, but mentally richer. I’m telling you, if you can, LEAVE! [Or they WILL kill you – mentally, at least]. I wish you all the very best. Please take care of yourself. ♥

  2. THank you for the specific suggestion of a guided meditation on Youtube. I find an insidious aspect of myself knows what to do but feels incapable of filling in the missing parts. This aspect wanted to stop reading your blog at the point where you suggest taking care of myself. My TRUE self is winning the battle and read the rest, woohoo! allowing myself the direction and support I need. thank you Linda.

  3. As you have predicted, my narcissistic sister has seized everything in my mother’s estate since her recent death. My mother was a narcissist too and was abusive, but became even more abusive when my father died and I was in line to be her next victim. I contacted a lawyer to determine if I would be able to fight my sister regarding my mother’s estate. I was informed that the cost of this would be approximately $80,000. So unless the estate is worth a great deal of money it is prohibitively expensive to fight this unfair outcome. The most terrible part of all this is the fact that many of us developed a Highly Sensitive Personality (HSP) and a chronic illness. Mine is Fibromyalgia. We are frequently disabled with our chronic illness and have high medical bills and some money would be helpful. Life just isn’t fair and that’s a given. Our celebration is that we are finally free! For those narcissistic family members that are left, I follow Dr. Martinez-Lewi’s advice — cut off contact completely and forget about them. Blessings to all of you!

    1. Hi Valda, I could’ve written your comment myself! Narcissistic mother, narcissistic older sister, 8 years my senior, that is a martyr to my mother. My chronic illness is Multiple Sclerosis. My biggest problem now is that my narcissistic sister is 69 and never had had children. She is working her way in between my children and myself, and I’m in no position to fight her. She lies, tells them things that are not true, and tries to manipulate them with money. She has a lot of it! When my mother passes away, she’ll have more. She has told me out right she thinks of “THE (my) children as her own children”. She will not even use the word “your”. My oldest son rarely talks to me anymore because of what she said and done. She’s a great actress! She has everyone convinced that I’m the problem, because I won’t help her with my 90-year-old mother. I live three hours away and my husband is still working and I can’t drive due to MS. My husband and I go up once a month and spend time with mom, and I was taking two weeks a year to go out and spend with her which I have quit doing because I don’t want to run into my sister while I am alone. She has always been domineering with me, and last time she hit me I was 50 years old! She hit me in front of my eldest daughter whom we were visiting together. I don’t want to be left alone with her. I have just put my faith in God and I am out of it now. I have no idea what she has convince my mother to do. I was co-executor with her of my dad’s and mom’s wills, and she hid everything from me. She manipulated me into signing things that she needed my signature for with the promise that she would show me after she got things organized. She never did. She had lied to me on three separate occasions. She change my mother’s lawyer to her own lawyer and friend without telling me, and I had no idea what was happening. I wouldn’t have even known where to start if anything it happened to my sister because I was not in on anything. I was given no information. I’m so sorry for ever including her in my life.

  4. The same things are happening with me-my sister is trying to steal my inheritance, my mother is getting forgetful and my sister has always been able to manipulate her to see me as the “undeserving”one. When I finally confronted my sister a couple years ago on her lies and manipulation she turned on me with all the toxic nastiness that I always knew she had in her, I had just been hoping that I would be spared. But no. Now I’m HSP with PTSD and Chronic Pain. I’m working on forgiving mentally and in my heart to heal but my personal sense of self, my trust in life and my self, and my creativity have been utterly shattered

  5. Thanks ! Two and a half years since my Mothers death and a narcissistic sister who screwed me financially as well as emotionally your article gave validation to my story. I am still struggling but I am strong and true to my self. I have not spoken to my sister in two years. She decided to call me last month but I am tsking things very slowly. I do not trust her. Although I do know she can never yurt me like that again.
    Thank you for your articles they put things in a perspective place.
    Deb Heiss

  6. Well, it will take time, but with enough self care your creativity will slowly come back.
    I have found this site very comforting. In my case as well, my narcissistic mother became much worse after my father died.
    I don’t have siblings but my ex- husband positioned hself as if he were my mother’s son. When she died he got control over all family assets. It has been a nightmare.

    1. Sharon, I feel for you,, I have a sister who has wrecked our whole family,, when my father died she moved into our home and ruined every piece of joy any of us had, crushing my fathers memory and making us all move out and I had to marry a man I hardly knew just to get away.. (disaster). She was always taking things that did not belong to her and hated any attention I or my brother received. She, like your ex controlled everything and in a very cruel way.. not even any discussion. She has turned her own children against me and my brother now and the hits just keep on coming, All conversation and ties are severed now with her for my own health. I just stay away from the temptation of any contact which is always a mistake.
      You are better off without them. My brother and I communicate in secret but my brothers daughter tells my sisters daughter we are talking and the lies start flying so we don’t talk but once a year.. its so sad. No one can trust anyone!

      1. Oh boy, I’m so glad I found this website! I’m sorry that any of you have Narcs in your life.
        My Dad died 2 1/2 years ago. I have PTSD and other chronic illnesses. My Dad was my hero and a very loving man. His death tore me apart along with finally figuring out that my mother is a Narc. She is horrible and abusive, much worse now that Dad is dead. As she sees it, all must pay for her being left alone.

        Dad made sure that I was the executor of my parents estate. I am prepared to divide the estate to the proper heirs and protect the estate from my family. My Dad left me in a nest to narcissists. My mother, brother and sister. I’m trying to prepare my self for the my mother’s death when the estate will be divided. Because I know there will be plenty of Narcs traps happening which boggles my mind. My sister is trying to be close to me, I know she is doing this to get on my side to get at the the estate. That hurts because I’m sure like most of us on this site, we wish for good relationships with our family…
        I fear my brother will take me to court for some reason and try to ruin my life. I can’t trust anyone in my family, which makes me lonely and overwhelmed.
        With all this being said I still yearn for a relationship with my siblings. They make me feel like an outcast, lie, manipulate, are cruel and always make me feel inadequate. It literally hurts to be around them. So I must prepare my self for no contact.
        My Husband helps me with these issues. I have no kids. When I read about the Narcs in others’ lives turning the kids against their own parents, my breaks for the parents.
        Only people who truly deal with narcissist understand the abuse, manipulation, and the hurt that comes with narcissists.
        My heart is heavy with the burden of my parents estate on me. Most days I just want to walk away from it all. I’m not looking forward to Narcissistic rages and manipulation that my siblings will put upon me. Someday I will walk away?
        Happy New Year to all

  7. This story sounds like a broken record. My narc sister swirled around my father in his illness like a vulture. And she swiped my inheritance. To lock horns in court with these kind is an emotional nightmare. Yes we are better off walking away. And never look back.

  8. Hello? I’ve never written on a blog in my life…..but I need you all. Oh my it’s a long story! From the start he was the Golden Boy. I was naughty….yet even though I was really smart…..I ‘wasted my talents’, according to my mother. The first memories I have I craved my brother’s affection. But the early years passed by and I felt unsafe around him and distanced myself. He was so strange. He never spoke to me directly like I was a human. He always spoke ABOUT me to my mother. It’s like I was invisible. A few more years went by and the physical beatings continued (as soon as mom left the house). I hid in the closets, under beds, in the shed. Needless to say I left home as soon as I could.
    More years went by. My mother died. The 3 years before she died, she and I developed the best relationship we could. I had gone to a lot of counselling and I found a way to be at peace with her. In 2010, 8 months before she died, I married (2nd time) and she gave me a number of things to help me start my life over with my new husband. From the very moment she died, my brother has been suing me….over her will….over gifts she gave me that he believes are his….over everything and anything he can think of. It’s been 4 years.
    I’m so tired. So tired.
    Why can’t he go away? It’s like I’m his drug. I have backed off….but he pursues. I just want to be left alone.
    Can someone out there relate?

    1. Just walk away. I went through similar, not understanding what was happening. Thinking there was something wrong with me..I’m up against the smear campaign too. I ended all contact with my now late brother, as my health would have really gone downhill. It was the best decision I ever made.

    2. I can relate to this. I have had a hard time all my life trying to have a normal relationship with my older sister. She is a bullying, domineering and toxic person and always causing arguments and trying to make me out to be the one who is at fault. I have finally put her out of my life. narcissists never change because they don’t think there is anything wrong with them. Break all contact. That is is only way.
      Good luck.

    3. I really feel for you. You need to cut ties. Ignore him. Like a dormant germ, if you don’t respond, he has nothing to feed off. Keep away and surround yourself with true friends you trust and love you for who you are, they will help you rejuvenate. I know because I am the subject of the corrosive nature of an older, narcissistic sister. She walked out of our elderly mother’s life nearly 4 years ago coinciding with mum having a fall. Everything landed in my lap. I have felt frustrated, exhausted and sorry for mum. Sister was/is the golden girl. I’ve always gone the extra mile, working hard for mums love. The respect has not been equal. The prodigal has just returned I confronted her on her selfishness, but was received with anger, manipulation and finally 2 vitriolic messages sent on social media under a pseudonym. The contents were all lies but its the hatred and motivation to destroy me which was disturbing. She knows my vulnerability and those buttons were pressed. l have kept silent and intend to forever. Equally so, she has very recently moved in on my mother whilst I’ve had surgery in hospital. As a result, mum is hooked. Her golden girl is back. This is hard to come to terms with, mum has been manipulated even though I’ve been there constantly. I am taking time out. Cut my losses and mend emotionally surrounded by the people who love me. It’s taken its toll for too long and feel used and humiliated.

  9. My narc brother is the golden child of my narc mother. He is as juvenile as she is, and yet, can manipulate people as well as she has. I still am in awe of how well he manipulates and charms his way through every situation, if I were not his sister, I would be impressed. It’s almost like magic to watch – and sinister. He can do no wrong, I can do no right.

    He was an athletic, handsome, arrogant, insecure, self-centered, needy and naughty child – but I was always told to “let your brother be himself” “it’s important that he is able to express himself”, etc. etc. I was their servant. I was also my fathers shield. Intelligent and sensitive, my Dad still would rather stay out of the situation than fix it. I still struggle with that. Dad abandoned me. It was better I got the brunt of Mom’s crap than my father. I could tell stories of the strange and impulsive things brother did – things that would have gotten me kicked out of the house. But not him, her golden boy.

    Now he is married and his wife is a baby machine. My mother couldn’t be happier. My brother’s income is shady at best, but my mother is always impressed “with his hard, dedicated work”. I have chronic illnesses and now my husband is sick. My mother’s response to this was “well, you guys always seem to get through it.” That’s it. Recently, I was informed by my favorite aunt that my bro and wife are expecting kid number 4 in 5 years. She wasn’t told, but found out by going to my grandmothers funeral and my sister-in-law was showing (I was smart and skipped the drama trauma I knew it would be – Grandma hadn’t gone to church in years, but you can bet my mom and brother planned the whole thing. Bro’s pastor did the service. Mom did the flowers and program. And this was my father’s Mom mind you and he has 6 sisters!!!). I was told by my mother later that they didn’t dare share it with me as I am “not a supportive person.” Ha, ha, ha.

    I have had to support all of their grandiose parties over the years, my brothers “lion king” party for his firstborn – all the embarrassing “look at me” moments where they get support from the entire family and demand I be there by phone, while I lay in the hospital in treatment and no one visits or bothers to call my hubby and see if he needs help with kids, etc. I have two autoimmune diseases, adrenal fatigue and digestive disorders – I have been told by two doctors emotional stress is almost always a factor. My poor husband was just diagnosed with diabetes. My parents and sibling acted like it was just an inconvenience and proceeded to share with me the dates for this summers family get-together at the lake. I thought my mother was bad, but dealing with my brother; his constant manipulation of people, his never-ending supply of praise from everywhere and the validation of his sickness has brought me to the edge. I have two kids and they desperately want to be at Grama’s and to see the cousins – and I just don’t think it’s safe. I am not sure what is worse either, their behavior or the constant comments I get from other people about how “amazing” they are. Having narc’s in your life is constant torture. It’s the ultimate mind screw.
    Sorry for such a long post. Lots to unload.

  10. I am in a no way out situation. My younger brother is a narcissist and I didn’t know. He, my mother and sisters live overseas. My sister throw my mother (78 yo) to his arms since he was her golden boy and my sister got sick of it. (Both, the sister who lived with her and the one who is married, kids and independent household).

    Living overseas and didn’t know the real problem, I took side by my mother and brother and recriminated my sisters. I am paying for my mother housing and food and my N-brother is taking care of her since he “can’t afford” a caretaker.

    I went to expend time with them, back in January and February and I did notice a kind abuse from him (Non considerate and non-respectful) with both of us, my mother and me even sabotaging our telephone conversations.

    I was in disbelief when I realized but all the articles and books I read gave him 8.5 out of 10 possibilities he is a Narcissist.

    I am emotionally drained dealing with him by phone and he even steal money that I send to my mother for various expenses. (He is a lawyer but he argues he doesn’t have much work and he can’t even buy the newspaper for Mom). He has sued my sisters to collect money from them to help taking care of my mother. (My mother just suffer of high blood pressure and losing her memory as a 78 y.o. lady, for the rest she is fine).

    I don’t know how to deal with his abusive behavior and my sisters doesn’t want to know anything about the situation. I am in his hands but, most terrible, is my mother.

    I would like to have some tips on how to deal with this psycho. I have explaining him and beg him, to behave and to do it for our Mother but he is incapable of feelings, remorse or guilt. He denies the most evident facts, he can even put the shame on my mother, etc. (It is just so hurtful for me).

    My salary doesn’t permit me to pay a psychologist.

    Please provide some guidelines.

    Thank you,

    Jay

    1. Jay,
      So upsetting to hear that. I am from overseas as well (Zimbabwe), and my mother is alone at home. I have a very selfish sister who stole my mother’s money many years ago. She was saving money and wanted to buy a house in a verybgood neighbourhood n my sister stole the money to buy clothes. She was working n earning good money so I don’t know know why she did that. When i found out what she was doing I was so upset n knew it would break my mum’s heart when she found out. My mum just wanted to have a stable home for us because we had both finished high school n I was at college. She took us to expensive private schools (no help from absent father) and looking back I realise that she had a good plan by saving her salary for a house deposit. She already had a property in mind and only 4 months left of saving as she later told me everything.
      It still breaks my heart to this day. My mum never managed to buy the house. Instead we got kicked out of the flat we lived in.
      Anyway mine is long story.
      What I want to say is how about you bring your mum to live with you. She might be very well miserable everyday with your brother. Only that as a mum she can’t tell you. Or if it’s too hard then go back home and live with her. But try very hard to get your own place in your name. Save some money so you can establish yourself. Trust God for the rest. But I would say you must be physically closer to your mum. I want to do the same. The only difference is my sister is overseas here with me but all the expenses of caring for my mum are all on me. They have been for all the years I have been here, sister has never taken responsibility for her actions. She has always denied stealing the house n even lies to people that she gives my mum money. I have all (well most) of the western union receipts to prove it.

      Go to your mum, she needs. Help her so that her life isn’t so stressful.

      I wish you all the best. Hard decision to make but be strong a little bit more just one more time.

    2. You don’t need a psychiatrist, just walk away and go No Contact. My late brother (narcissist) took me to see a Psychiatrist, I had started to believe that there was something wrong with me. Pure rubbish. I finally saw the light, as to what he was. He has caused so much family conflict, and stole the inheritance that was meant for me. I had a horrendous time. I never went to his funeral earlier in the year. I felt relief that he couldn’t hurt me any more and try and drive me crazy.

  11. I have survived the abuse, manipulation, lies and cruelty from my narcissistic sister all my life. We knew she was mean and cell-entered but did not understand any of it! Today since both my parents have passed, I have made the decision to remove her completely from my life. A narcissistic revenge is a high price to pay. She is spreading lies about me to anyone she can manipulate and is ANGRY. I do not regret my decision as I have some peace in my life now and she can find another host to feed off of!!! Totally done!!

  12. I totally relate.

    My twin sister, who used to be the shy and quiet one when we were young started modeing at age 16 and is unbearable.

    We are now both 25.

    She had moved on to fetish modelling and has become so self obsessed, spends hours in front of the mirror, constantly on whether phone and Facebook and is poor company. Whenever we go or drinking I end up drinking too much, and when I say I don’t want to drink with her and that we should get coffee instead, her reply was that I’m sucking the fun out of everything.
    Everything has to be on her terms.

    I have to miss school to join family holidays but when she comes to visit me in my country she spends most of the time doing her own modelling work out here and I barely see her as she would rather go out meeting strange men she found on tinder.

    She is very difficult to talk to or confront about anything.
    Just today I asked her to remove a picture of us that she posted on her public and modelling page: she said fuck you to me in response.

    She cares more about her fans on the internet who perve over her than my feelings of not wanting people jacking off to her pictures and seeing my face there next to hers.
    Her modelling has gotten worse and worse, she recently got a breast enlargement and loves showing them off. It’s her life she can do what she wants but I should have a say on whether I want my pictures up on her public profile. Especially since creepy comments have been made.
    She took it down but she also deleted and blocked me from her public account.

    Things are tense and she feels I’m in the wrong for this.

    Ps whenever we fight she said to me how dare you say this but then when confronted with a serious issue she shows abuse.
    I don’t recognise my sister, haven’t done for years, slowly her modelling image took over her personality and is unbearable to confront when there is an issue.
    Also she slapped my boyfriend one night when all went out drinking and she didn’t like how he spoke to me when he said lets go outside to talk I can’t hear you down here.

    She also slept with someone who i slept with within hours of it happening and when I confronted her months later (she kept it a secret but a friend told me) she said it was no big deal.

    She walks all over men, has sugar daddies pay for everything and generally takes advantage of people; which again is not something I can control but all these things have had an effect on her and she is not somebody I recognise. Yet at the same time we are close.
    She then tells me when things are good that she loves me more than herself and wants the best for me and I told her not to say that. That it can’t even be true. But I don’t know how to deal with her personality pushing decisions on me, and treating me bad. I’m always giving in to her. She is selfish and materialistic and my parents drive me mad because they encourage me to call her etc but I don’t see much effort from her, only when she wants on her time. Nobody else has lives!

    Feels good to vent.

    1. Sounds like you might benefit from seeking advice from a professional, and reading up on borderline personality disorders. You are your sister’s yo-yo and from what you describe so are your parents. It may be a long painful road, but worth the journey.
      My family has at least 2 of these manipulative sociopaths. You may need to cut ties.

  13. I care for parents by empowering them to do what they can for themselves, providing support when asked or welcomed. One parent (father) is in a care facility and the other (mother) at home. They are 85 and 83 years old. We have lived part time together for years. When dad went into hospital and to care my older siblings told me i was doing a good job at that end and that they would look after what they could from a distance. Another said, “you are good at the health stuff and i am good at the financial” another thing said to me was ” you know how they got (our) Grandma into a nursing home”. In response to telling my mother’s sister dad had gone into care my aunt said to me “you stay out of it, they’ve got plenty of money”. Many of the things said and done shocked me. My father was worried where to find his will. I found the office and told him it was ok, it was there. I asked him did he want me to tell my brother? My dad said in a quit stern tone “it’s up to you.” Confused i took the leap of faith and told my brother. Brothers response shocked me. He said, “it doesn’t matter, it’s old, it’s useless, it’s redundant, dad will write a new will.” His wife paid a visit to mum while i was staying at mum’s place. Sister in law accused me of isolating my mother, told me i was sick and better see my doctor, told me i had many enemies in our town. She later told my brother that i upset her, that i said something hurtful about their son and about my brothers deceased best friend. She also told one of my sister’s that i wouldn’t let her out of the house, and that she was afraid i was going to hit her. When i asked her why she was doing this and said to her i thought you wanted our family to be together, she smirked at me.
    I was holding down the jobs at this time but had a past mental health diagnosis. When i described my sister in laws visit to my dr, he said your sister in law is a psychopath. That the female psychopath was violent in a different way to what is portrayed in media as physically aggressive.
    My mother has power of attorney, my father is blind and immobile and in care. My mom is frail but can drive and is determined. My siblings all look up to my sister in law and brother. My father is charmed by my sister in law.
    I have tried to help mum clean up 5 generations of material stuff whilst we both tend to day to day needs of our own and dad’s. There is often still many things to do to make sure someone in care have they’re needs met. One sister helps when and where there is an audience for it. The others stay away except 2to3 visits per year. Another stays in touch by phone and reports to oldest.
    All cast dispersion on my recall among other things. At first when dad got sick, i would hear the problem was that i had too much influence over dad. Then when they learned mum had power of attorney it was that i had to much influence over mum.
    All along i have felt damned if i stick around and help my parents and damned if i don’t, not to mention fear of what i would be looking back to see that they do to our with my parents if i did walk away.
    My father has always been privileged, spoilt and controlling, but he is still my dad and has a kind and funny Sadie to him. Both my parents deserve to live without age discrimination or anyone trying to accelerate their aging and passing by unnecessarily restricting their freedoms.
    Meanwhile, sometimes my heart and spirit hurt. I know mum sometimes feels the same.
    My mum and dad have given me something that although their lawyer tells them won’t effect anything, i just believe i am screwed when all goes to court. Worst thing is seeing and hearing the socially correct but ruthless icy cold edge to my siblings since my dad got sick and my sister in law went into action. I am so sad. I try not to be but it’s hard to stay and act positive.
    Narcissism is there in varying degrees among my family. The psychopath who attached themself to the family when my then societally known to be wealthy grandmother was in care scares me. My siblings who follow her will probably be next on her list after she gets me out of the way. Then her son in laws wealthy unaware family. When i met that family, the mother said to me, oh your family is just like ours. This sticks in my head now that I’m aware of my sister in law. So charming, so clever, so influential etc

  14. My sister – for 22 years of my life (0-22) my folks have devoted their entire energies in placating to her every demand. They were love – hate. I was the youngest (6 years younger). Whatever she wanted she got – car, a full year paid trip to overseas, an apartment for her think space, a fully paid fashion show that went flopp – her friend bailed on her at the last minute. She then left the premises and our folks were left there to pay off the entire thing. I was left at home on my own all the time while they were chasing after her. She used to throw things (heavy things) at me, hit me, swear at me, humiliate me in front of friends. Anytime I raised it with our folks, they asked me to ‘try and understand’. She ran off from home – my folks went crazy. They would continually ask me to explain to them why she was like this. I didn’t understand I was 16. My birthday parties my sister would laugh at me and my friends. My folks pretended not to see. My 16th my sister was no where to be seen. When my grandma died my sister two day after that, came screaming into the house that she was going to get a divorce. My folks were then off consoling my sister. Two years prior to that she had accused our folks of not understanding how much she lived this guy who she had just met 3 weeks ago. It was when she realises that our folks were unconvinced, she suddenly started giving me attention – starved of attention from anyone in our family I thought ‘oh maybe a breakthrough’ – she started telling me her love for this person and if only mum and dad could somehow accept him. In my starvation for her attention, I spoke to them and became the mediator yoyo until one day they agreed. As soon as they agreed I was back on scrap heap. Then the wedding preparations. The whole time she spent ignoring me. She had become bff with her fiancé’s sister. She used to make jokes about me and my sister would crack up laughing. Again when I spoke to our folks about it they asked me to try and understand.

    The wedding day – 400 guests. (Her 21st was 200 random people – she had handed out invites to local places and anyone who RSVP yes was a friend of hers. They rocked up – drank ate danced my sister gave a speech – I was not mentioned at all by her nor our folks. I was not on the bday table) so the wedding – I was not on the table. Not mentioned at all ever. No close hug or anything. She hugged her new sister and they cried as she left for her honeymoon. Everything funded by our folks. They came back and one of the gifts was a house. Her gratitude was to only permit us to visit once every couple of weeks. She would cook and the understanding was we were to tell her how fantastic everything was. Slowly cracks happened. My bro in law approached my father and mother politely and asked if they could speak to my sister as something didn’t seem right. He was told to be patient. This progressed more and more. Until one day my sister came to our house slamming and swearing at me and my folks about us not being there to support her as she was being beaten by her husband. Anyway, her husband when he was approached by my father with me and my mother nearby (my sister had gone shopping) was completely in utter shock. When my father saw the look of shock in his face well we all knew this person didn’t do that. We went home – my folks asking me to explain why my sister did such stuff. Anyway, we wait for my sister to get back. She doesn’t. The next day she calls us at home. Demands to speak to my father and basically accuses my father of threatening her husband for no good reason. He gets off the phone shaking. My folks look at me this time they threaten me ‘if you ever put us through what your sister has we will die! And it will be all your fault! You can’t even tell us why your sister is this way!’ Anyway it continues final straw a couple of days after my grandma dies she announces she’s getting a divorce. My folks go to speak to them both only to discover that her husband had left a few days earlier. So our folks call him and he says ‘under no circumstances will he reconcile.’ Our folks give him money and ask him to be respectful of their wishes to not go into details of the separation/divorce.

    Then 3 weeks after that (so a total of about 4 weeks after grandma had died – which we couldn’t bring up in front of my sister as her response the first and second time we asked her to wait a bit until dad (his mother who had just passed could mourn) she shouted just before storming out of the house ‘why doesn’t anyone give a crap about me!!!’ Slamming the door and skidding off. After the second time that happened (one of the times she threw a glass jar of honey at me) we moved on from mourning grandma and it became about my sister. So yeah 3 weeks later a guy moves into the house. Two weeks after that she declares undying love. Thankfully they’ve been together ever since. But boy did we go through weekly screaming matches and more of trying to explain to our folks and now him why she’s that way. I don’t know. This is how she was from the minute I arrived to the day I left for the opposite side of the world.

    She would demand that we accompany her on her cross country selling trip – washing up liquids etc., where she could become her own boss and later sell a franchise. I objected to joining the trip and she threw such a wobbly. That our folks then blamed me because she was upset. I joined begrudgingly. She spent the whole 9 hours in the car describing to everyone how shit I was. I nudged mum and she whispered into my ear ‘try to understand your sister’. A fricjfn nightmare.

    When I left the country. She refused to accept I was leaving. She called me an attention seeker. I got on that plane – one way ticket out of hell.

    I met someone. We were planning on getting married but he insisted on doing it the right way by speaking to my dad. So we took a flight to go back. When we got there, my folks spent the whole time ignoring him. He was beyond parient. When we went to my sisters house. She spent the whole time telling him how pathetic I am. When he defended me, she stood up and started shouting ‘get out of my house you animal’. We left. At night he said to me ‘this is your family? I would never have guessed’ I didn’t know what to say except ‘this is why I didn’t want to come back’. We had planned to stay two weeks. By the end of the first week, my then boyfriend soon to be fiancé pleaded with me for us to go and visit another part of the country. As soon as I mentioned it to my folks. They started screaming ‘you’re just liked your sister you let anyone come between us and you. If you leave you’re killing us’. I walk into the other room. My boyfriend having heard it all I say to him, it’s just one more week. He replies – if I stay one more night I fear I will become so depressed. I’m going to find a hotel. He leaves. Between that day and the last day of the trip, he and I are shattered. He can’t look at me the same way. We go back and within a year we break up – he tells me ‘I love you very much, but your family control you by remote control. You’re a puppet. When you don’t speak to them we are so happy and life is happy. As soon as you’ve spoken to them, you become so down. I wish you could walk away’. I respond I can’t they’re family.

    Fifteen years on and after much pain. I accepted this reality: they’re devoid of empathy. Devoid. In my challenging moments abroad their responses have ranged from ‘and how does this affect me’ (as in them) to ‘you’re killing me with this. All I want to hear is you’re fine that’s it.’ When I’d tell them all’s good, they’d say that I’m so insensitive to their needs. When I’d ask them let me know what I can do. They’d say ‘nothing. What can you do. Nothing. Nothing. Your sister is here for us’. Throughout the 15 years I had travelled to see them every couple of years. My sister would ignore my visits after shouting on the phone to me ‘you’re such an attention seeker!!’ Shortly afterwards my folks would be on this phone trying to calm her.

    My time overseas. I have probably sent 50 emails a year to her. Responses – 1 telling me that I never want to know about her life. Each one of my emails have ended ‘I know you’re flat out, so let me know whatever time is convenient and I will make time. I want to. Face time Skype whatever works.’ Each email.

    Then this year, I get an email from her telling me how selfish I am and to take a look at her photos of her fabulous life that I’m missing out on the opportunity to view in person

    My whole 15 years here apart from you first boyfriend my sister has never asked once ‘how’s it going’. Not once.

    Growing up being told to explain her behaviour and/or to understand her meaning to shut up and turn off any of my own emotions, yes I put up with a lot.

    But the email was the final clincher and wake up call. It’s taken me a good chunk of my life to figure it out conclusively. Devoid of empathy.

    So I have severed ties with the three of them. Yeah I live with guilt. But that is easier than living psychologically anyway with three indescribables.

  15. This article is spot on. I knew that my younger sister’s behaviour was ruthless, destructive, greedy, mean for the joy of it, and that she lied, lied, lied to my single mother to manipulate everything, from a very, very young age. It was awful. The only joy I gained was that three months after I moved out of home my mother saw who she really was….ooops…and shunted her off to boarding school. She acted shocked…even after years and years of watching her treat me awfully….now as a grown up she drains our Dad in every way….all the $$#, all his time, all his energy. I have accepted that that is just how it is. She will never work again (because there is always some other person who is a problem….high conflict exit..from…every…single….job…yawn) and I just focus on acceptance and making my own life great. Luckily, I started this process around age 9, so it has been a very long time since I held the illusion that it would ever be resolved or fair. Some people are just toxic…to others and mostly themselves. I would not trade places for anything….yikes…..if people can be that ugly in their external behaviour, how ugly must they be inside?

  16. I have an older sister (14 years older) who is narcisstic. She recently decided, along with her daughters, to eliminate me from the family. This started and Christmas when my son and I were no longer invited to family functions. She had hoped to get our 90 year old mother on board with it as well, however, it has all backfired on her and her daughters. My mom doesn’t want to have anything to do with any of them. My mom has seen my sister’s narcisstic rage all because my mom wasn’t going along with what she wanted. She has also poisoned my nieces against me. All three of them lie and have denied things I have done over the years to help them, i.e.: loaning money, giving clothes, being a good listener when they or their children were having issues, etc. I never in my life would have thought that my sister could harbor such hate, bitterness, and resentment towards me. But, in fact, she doesn’t have a good word to say about anyone and is extremely jealous of others.

    1. Thank God I’m not alone. I’m the youngest of 6. I always looked up to my middle sister. She looks like me and I thought I want to be like her. How wrong was I. My mum had a nervous breakdown and that excuse of a sister took over. Mum was released into her care and everything was fine. She announced that mum wants her to look after her finaces. But when I look back mum didn’t no which end of herself was up. So being made greatful of my sisters kind offer we said nothing. She would take over everything. Borrow money of all who had it. Starting up her own business which by the way I worked for her and never took a penny of her because she said that she was making money so the whole family could benefit?? What a load of crap!!! She staged a burglary in her own home so she couldnt pay the rent on the shop she opened. Her children and mum were in the house at the time. My sister was crying all dramatic Oscar winning performance. Which I sucked in.
      Little did I no apart from mums money and money from the business and also money from TV loans she had fxxk all to show for it. Actually told people she bought my car for me yet she had an eviction notice served on her and lost a house that she manipulated her boyfriend to buy. How can you lose a house that someone else bought????. Her marriage to her son’s dad only lasted a year because she couldnt chose between the other guy she was seeing. Her wedding was paid for by me as she took out a loan in my name and never paid it back. I was up the walls thinking that my ex had took this money out and not thinking it was her and she actually came to the solicitors office with me to see who it was from knowing full well it was her.
      She has now cut of all contact with me and my sister’s because now she’s the victim and tells people lies to make her look good. It still hurts me to this day at how stupid I was to think I wanted to be like that. When really I was played like a fiddle. She is jealous of us and what we have. She slept with my sisters husband then told me he was beating my sister. Just to cover her what she had done. I hurt inside because of all the lies and deceit and the way she has now divided our whole family. Someday people will wake up to her and hopefully won’t be as hurt as I am.

  17. Thank you for reinforcing that this is not that I am a natural born Job from scripture. I have suffered at the hands of my narc brother. I’m not even sure if he’s aware of what he does but I do know he actually takes pleasure in my suffering some of which he has gone out of his way to cause. He has an amazing way of manipulating situations where he will destroy another human being and somehow make it look like he’s the good guy and then turn around and actually have the nerve to tell me I cause my own problems. He is so skilled at what he does I can’t even see or determine any specific point or points of how he has manipulated me or a circumstance to hit me or others so he can gain from it. In the end I know he did it and he gained from it but I’m not sure how he did it.

    My whole life, he has done this. If I am involved in something I enjoy he get involved somehow turn friends against me befriend them and leave me devastated. He has continued this well into our adult lives it would make people sick to see what he does to me, if you intuitively know how to spot these narc behaviours.

    Now I have made the choice in my life to remove all negative aspects influencing my life he is one. I have always been told to accept your family and love them unconditionally even if they hurt you. And I will, I will love from afar.

  18. My older half sister worked two years to force our mom to Granbury Texas. Diabas a pro in 2011 she sawed through our kitchen faucet.Dug through our pantry tossed mom and my food out with my go a longer sister.2012 sent Human Services to our house on triumphed up lies. I had just transfered to Luther A college carrying a full class load. Diana told Human Services that if they went to see mom when I was home there lives would be at risk . Diana told them Human Services Val withholds food from mom and I abuse her . Then Diana after the second visit from Human Services burnt moms house and kill her cat. Now she gas mom changing her will No one believes the trueth my younger sister knows the truth but doesn’t want to loose mom two years later this December I went from bullied to bullier and Diana went to savoir nie with me out of the will she has moms money . Now there’s no use for mom but to die. Moms healthy only wanted yo live out her life in Iowa . Where’s our help?

  19. To Valda Garner—- I am in the exact same boat– unfortunately for my ng to siblings who I have to keep at Bay.. I became my own person. The worst part is how they will also undemine you as a parent and try to influence your children… so it is important to keep them away… and they will keep coming back now and then when they need something, Don’t let them IN!

    These siblings need to be fought, and while the Probate process is extremely complex, you are entitled to an accounting! Learn how to get your case online, and how to answer probate notes. I am handling my own request right now, but I have a strategy too. File a VERIFIED requesting a validation and request for an accounting. You can do this on your own. Get the judge to order an accounting so you can see where the monies went, and then go through the accounting. see this case and refer to it…David v. Hermann (2005) 129 Cal.App.4th 672, 679..

    You are alone, but being wiith these siblings is far worse because they WILL destroy you!..Dont talk about the case much to friends, but you will need their support because they are your family!

    Get professional help! This will help you keep you afloat, and insurance can cover it.

    My mother got far worse after my father died too. She would verbally and emotionally abuse. My sister would do it too and add physical abuse too. My sister has used my brother as an ally, and he has been stupid enough to go along thiinking it will bring the family closer. He is wrong.

    They moved my mom to a convalescent home so it is almost impossible for me to see her unless I have a whole day to give. It takes me 2 hours to get there, and when she does see me, she tells me I am not her mother.. “what is wrong with you?”

    Rely on faith. go to a church, temple, mosk, whatever and find a new family there. My greatest heartache is that my sister has used her evil ways to suck in my children and almost turn them away…. use what ever opportunity you have to get them out of your life…. and keep them OUT!

  20. Thank you all for posting your stories. My Mom passed away in 2008 and my Dad in 2015. My My father had a will/trust done after my mother passed making me executrix/trustee when he passed away. My younger brother has been holding my father’s house/belongings/vehicles hostage since my father had a stroke in January last year and had to go into a nursing home. I have been in the house twice since then – once in January when my Dad told me to go out there and get his checkbook and bills so that I could pay them and the next time was the day before Thanksgiving 2015 when my lawyer set it up with my brother’s lawyer. When I was there with my lawyer, my brother had put up no trespassing signs with my name, my husband and my son’s name. My brother lied numerous times in court about me saying that neighbors told him that me and husband were going in the house while he was at work and removing items…..Really!!!??? He’s been driving my father’s vehicles for over year now, and insurance lapsed because I could renew it without putting the vehicles in my name. And I just couldn’t do that so he could drive them around for free. He’s been living in a 300,000 house now for over a year for free and is completely livid with me because I have control over the money. I have only spent money on taxes and insurance for the house. He says I have stolen thousands of dollars. I couldn’t do that. My dad entrusted to take care of his business and one day I will have to stand before God Almighty and my Dad and I want to be able to stand there knowing I did the right thing. All I want to do is finalize this estate and give my brother his half. Once that’s done, I don’t want any contact with him.

  21. I have only recently learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think I have been raised in a dysfunctional family. I am now 53yrs of age. I haven’t ever been able to do anything right in my mother’s eyes. I have been criticised for everything – my personality, character, the way I dress, do my make-up, the boyfriends I’ve chosen, whether I’ve put on weight, my artwork. I cannot please my mother in any way. She is only interested in herself. My sister who is 3 yrs younger had anorexia aged 12yrs & nearly died. She has since become very controlling of people & situations. Currently she isn’t speaking with me because I crossed her (she had spoken badly to me in respect of our younger sister which I found awful/unacceptable. I tried to take my own life aged 21 as a result of the way my mother treated me. She refused to attend my degree show when I graduated, possibly because I was in the spotlight, not her. I have struggled ever since with severe depression. My mother & sisters have treated me as a scapegoat saying they pay their taxes for me. I find it hugely cruel. My son and I have autistic spectrum disorders and life has been very difficult for us. People seem to want to bully at every possible opportunity. In my life I’ve found it terribly difficult forming relationships because I always think that people aren’t going to like me. I just hope and pray that I have not perpetuated the dysfunctional narcissistic family traits. I decided to have counselling in order to try to create a healthy and functional way forward for the remainder of my life. I was on antidepressants for 24 years and am now free of these too. It has been tough going but very necessary in my healing. I wish everyone healthy and happy lives and the strength to go forward with positivity.

  22. Wow!
    I just finally realized that my sis is a flaming narcissist. We come from a dysfunctional but loving family.

    She’s quite a bit younger than me and my sibs. Our parents are gone and we just lost our oldest brother who left without a will.

    I am a 35 year retired social worker and a successful business woman with rental property and an antique business. I am perfectly capable of managing this estate, but my sister has me pegged as mentally ill and she has her raging attorney harassing me and my brother, who is disabled.

    It is her way or the highway so we finally gave in to her and settled on an expensive fiduciary to manage the estate. She is out of state and couldn’t possibly mess up her princess boots to come and help with the cleanup (our brother was an extreme hoarder).

    No, she wants everything cleaned and sorted before she brings her ethereal being to town. She has already listed a litany of items she wants. My brother and I told her she can have whatever she likes; neither he nor I need any more stuff. I’m actually relieved that a third party is involved to see her greed.

    We went to an attorney ourself who easily pegged our sis as a narcissist after speaking to her attorney who sang our sis’s praises loud and clear. She is stunningly perfect, don’t you know! We chose not to try to fight in court because we knew she would spare no expense to defeat us in an ugly court battle.

    She was raised in the lap of luxury, unlike my older brothers and me. She had a horse when she was 10 and a sports car when she was 16. She went to Spain in high school, then went to school all over Latin America, on our parents’ dime. She actually got mad at our generous father for not paying for her law school.

    I predicted to my ma that she was getting spoiled and we would suffer for it some day. She is an attorney but she only practiced about 7 years as a legal aid attorney before she married her wealthy husband. He immediately paid off her 60,000 student debt and bought her a new car. He treats her like gold and showers her with her narcissistic supply. Now, she is a self taught jewelry artist, or, as I put it, she has an expensive hobby. She also adopted a daughter who is a sad extension of herself. She sent her son to art school, which I now realize was another extension of herself because SHE wanted to go to art school.

    I’m in my sixties and it finally dawned on me that she is clearly a narcissist. She has berated me my entire life yet says I’m toxic to her. She is better and smarter than me about everything. She has been mean to me forever, so I finally started fighting back a couple years ago.

    That’s when I became the enemy. Oh my! I heard every negative thing I’ve ever done thrown back in my face like acid. The more I apologize, the more she determined I was a bad person. Why else would I apologize if I wasn’t bad and wrong?

    She has never apologized to me for anything in my life because she “never did anything to me that would require an apology”. I reminded her of times when she hurt my feelings. She said my feelings were not hurt. That’s when I knew.

    My brother and I will have nothing to do with her once the estate is settled. I feel sorry for her terrorized family and especially her young daughter.

    This too shall pass. I think everything happens for a reason. I thought I could reconcile with her but now I am certain I never will.

    Yes, it does feel good to vent.

  23. I didn’t believe for the longest time that I experienced abuse growing up. I think for a lot of reasons beyond my parents’ control, we were pretty much screwed as a family unit.

    I had a pretty good early childhood, although I was spanked and love was conditional to good behaviour, it wasn’t extreme or that different from many people. It was a set up, though, to what came.

    My sister was born and quickly developed an unseen, undiagnosed, painful chronic disease. She was eventually diagnosed in her teens, after I left home. From the time she could talk, she complained of pain. Doctors couldn’t find anything physically wrong with her, and my sister, in pain, resorted to tantrums.

    We had a calendar on the wall, and each day was divided into four sections. If my sister could get though a three hour period without a tantrum, she’d get a star. At the end of the week, she’d get a quarter for every star on the calendar. This was a behaviour modification technique recommended by a specialist after she was mis-diagnosed ADD. Our house was ruled by my sister’s behaviour, and this method reduced her tantrums by maybe one MAYBE two per day. There was an average of three full-blown screaming tantrums every day.

    I don’t blame her. Imagine being in constant physical pain and no one will help you, and everyone’s telling you there’s something psycologically wrong with you.

    The result was a constantly tantruming sister who eclipsed me. I was the well-behaved kid, and I had to modify my behaviour to make room for, compensate for, my sister. I had to subjugate my needs because my sister’s needs were greater. I had to not set off my sister. My sister’s needs were greater than mine. I had a lot of unaddressed needs, growing up, and I’m coming to understand from reading books like “Childhood Disrupted” that what I experience was emotional neglect.

    By the time I was 12 or so, I was pretty much on my own, raising myself. When I was 15 I tried to run away because I believed my family didn’t love me. By this time, my parents tried to up the ante a bit for me, my Dad took me on a bike ride once, (he used to take me on a special trip just the two of us, once a year and those are happy memories.) I was suicidal by the time I was 19. I thought something was wrong with me.

    I experienced this because there was nothing leftover for my parents to give me. By the time I was a teenager, both of my parents had chronic fatigue syndrome. A decade of multiple tantrums per day will break down your immune system. They had even less energy for me. One heartbreaking memory is they left my highschool graduation ceremony early (shortly after I accepted my diploma.) They were too tired to do anything to celebrate. I went out to dinner with a family of a friend.

    That’s how it was for me. I’m grateful that the families of friends filled in some of the gaps left by my family. I was taken on vacations with friends’ families. They liked taking me because I was a well-behaved kid and was good at entertaining their kids. I got to travel a bit and had time going to camp, cottages, fishing, canoeing, going to swimming lessons. Lots of enrichment I have my friends’ families to thank, and the final heartbreak was high school graduation, when we went out to dinner to celebrate the only formal graduation I’d experience with someone else’s family. I’m grateful I had so many other community members draw me into their kids’ experiences, but the loss is there too.

    I left home at an early age, moved 4 hours away, reduced contact with my family instinctively, and now I live 4,000 km away. The distance helps.

    What made me realize that my sister has become a narcissist was how the insanity around my mother’s terminal illness played out. As I live very far away, my sister visited frequently, and was much more involved in my mother’s care. Quickly, I felt shut out, as my offers to help with internet research and phone calls were repeatedly rebuffed.

    My mother’s personality shifted and while she wasn’t capable of being affectionate without it being praise for performance, her personality became unpredictable and emotionally abusive later in life, before her diagnosis. I would frequently end up in tears after talking to her on the phone which is why I seldom called. While I distanced myself, my sister installed herself as the family martyr and savior. I was quickly seen as the absent daughter. Every time I called to talk to my parents, I hung up in tears, so I called less often.

    Then my mother went into hospice care and no one told me. I emailed the family mailing list to ask if someone could let me know when something happened with my mother, since I only found out a few days after it had happened. It was not a pissy or dramatic email, I was careful, just a “hey if people with boots on the ground out there could email me when there’s a development, I’d appreciate it, because I’m just finding out now Mom went into hospice.” Then it got really abusive and completely crazy. My sister forbade me to talk to anyone about my mother, or her illness. She had to control how the news was spread in the family. My father called me and said he was too exhausted to have my sister pitching a fit about this and could I just do as she said?

    My needs didn’t matter, my sister’s needs were top priority. It was like living in a time warp, back to my childhood.

    My sister decided to get married to a guy she’d been dating for less than a year, and hadn’t even lived with. It seemed to most people like a sweet thing to do, and it would have been if she’d had a small ceremony in the hospice center.

    But she had a huge wedding with 200 people. It took her two weeks to plan – that’s got to be a record. The photos of my sister sparkling with happiness and my father dancing with her with huge circles under his eyes are heartbreaking to me. I see that photo and think here’s an evening my Dad should have been with his wife, and instead my sister throws this circus of a wedding, last-minute. There are no photos of my mother at the wedding, although I know she was transported out of the hospice home, in a wheelchair, catheters and all, and she didn’t want to take off her coat. She went back to the home shortly after the ceremony.

    At this point, my sister started saying things to me about how she’s closer to my father and mother than I am. She started controlling everything, and has become ruder and crueler in what she says to me. Shortly after my mother’s funeral, she hung up on me because I wasn’t going to follow her specific this-sweater-to-this-specific-relative instructions regarding the dissemination of my mom’s clothing. My father, seeing my shocked tears, excused her behavior, saying she’s under a lot of pressure. Story of our life. Sister is having a tantrum, therefore I have to suck up my own needs and absorb the abuse and neglect.

    I couldn’t understand any of this, until I started reading about NPD. Certainly, what’s going on in my family isn’t as extreme as other’s stories here, and I thought I’d share mine since there are degrees between happy family and full-on narcissist abuse.

    As I learn more about NPD I delve into my mother’s relationship with her family, my father’s relationship with his. My parents were doing their very best to end cycles of abuse, and, aside from getting spanked, I’d say both parents made great progress considering they came from families with extreme physical and psycological abuse.

    It makes me wonder how life would’ve been different if my sister weren’t sick. Once my sister came into the picture, with a painful illness NOT HER FAULT, and not my parent’s fault, and the abuse she experienced I’d say is equivalent to extreme physical and emotional abuse, even though it was unintentional.

    The result, for my sister, is she learned that having tantrums is a great way to control people and get what she wants. In the final years of my mother’s life, whether it was her physical illness or a psycological trauma of her own finally roaring to the surface, my mother became emotionally abusive to everyone in her immediate family, my father, my sister and me. Of course we don’t talk about it, beyond blaming menopause. It wasn’t menopause.

    But my mother martyred herself in her family in a similar way I see my sister doing. She was the primary care-giver to her mother in the last few years of her life – a woman who had failed to protect her in so many ways, and I know who was the product of abuse and passed that along to her mother.

    All of this, the legacy of abuse and my sister’s illness and resulting extreme personality disorder blew back on me. And while I didn’t experience physical or emotional abuse, and despite everything I do believe I had a “better” childhood than my sister and many people, the emotional neglect I experienced and the ostracism / emotional punching bag role I’ve been relegated to now is very real and I need to deal with it as an adult, so that I can see a healthy way forward.

    It helps to know that you can’t do anything right to fix the situation in your family. If you feel like it’s your responsibility to make it right, that’s just part of the abuse. I have dialed back contact with my sister to once a year. I call her a week before her birthday, and then I spend the next two months processing the nasty little comments she says to me. I make this call for my father’s benefit, and maybe one day I’ll openly address the elephant in the room, which is my sister, and that it’s just a matter of time before my sister and I make a permanent break.

    My sister has said things like, “I promised mom I would take care of Dad” and “Dad tells me things he doesn’t tell you.” It’s all bullshit. it’s what she believes, but it’s not up to me to change what she thinks, or believe what she says is true. My relationship with my father has gotten better in the year since my mother died. We’ve gotten closer, I think, than we’ve ever been, which has made me realize how negative a force my mother could be in our lives. If I had only called to speak specifically to my Dad?

    Oh well. There you have it. Healing is a journey, and it starts with acknowledging the pain, while working to shift out of victim mode, which was a big source of misery to me.

    I have been helped with reading books about narcissism, books on recovery from childhood abuse such as “the body remembers”, (even if you haven’t experienced the extreme abuse, even if the abuse you intuitively feel is difficult to name) books like “Childhood disrupted” and several therapists over decades. I’ve also been helped with holistic modalities like working with a nutritionist to optimize support for my physical health, participating in reiki sharing groups, Buddhist meditation groups and spiritual exploration.

    You have the rest of your life to explore healing, and there are many, many options out there. Just try and do a little at a time, and it adds up over the years. <3

  24. It’s a nightmare to have narcisists in your life with whom you have an emotional attatchment because they are your family.You are taught to trust them just because of this,and then you slowly learn you can’t trust them,and it’s very painful.

  25. So painful. My brother is 13 years older than me. I was raised to respect this man because my dad thought he was so great. As soon as Dad died, my daughter and I were excommunicated. He started stealing all of mom and Dads life savings. Then he teamed up with my brother and stole my 91 yr. old mom. Didn’t let me see or speak to her for 3 months. She has a stroke. They put her in assisted living and now he’s going to sell her home. He is evil. Never did a damn thing for her ever and seems to have no conscience. He turned everyone against me and I to this day don’t know what I did to deserve this. My bitterness has turned to hate. You are the 1st person ever to hit the nail on head. Wish I could destroy him. Thanks for explaining it to me.

  26. My younger sister was born a sociopath. She has lied and manipulated all of her life. My father was an overt malignant narcissist amd my mother a covert “christian” narcissist with aspergers. As a child I was gifted academically, athletically and very creative. I was well behaved. She was a poor student and never created anything but trouble for me. From my earliest memories shemwas able to portray me as a bully and her as the inmocent victim. She would eithermprovoke me into,a fight or just make up a lie and stand by with a shit eating grin on her face watching as I was beaten mercilessly by my sick disturbed father. She has never been held accountable for any of her actions. She has sabotaged every thing in my life for as long as she could. She has always maneuvered herself into the role of confidante and protector to my hopelessly lost mother ( PEOPLE WITH ASPERGERS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO RAISE CHILDREN). She is a waitress who lives in my mothers basement. Very plain looking, no real talents or achievements but has convinced the mother figure that the other siblings are evil. She has set herself up to inherit anything the mother leaves. My sister can have everything. I want NOTHING from these venomous snakes. I know she has done all this -every bit of it- over the years because she has no real sense of self. She is empty inside of anything good and filled with spite and jealousy and blackness. She needs it as she will never accomplish anything in her wretched life and her waitress job does not come with a retirement plan. My parents were always her retirement plan. She has isolated my mother -whomdeserves whatever she gets-and I have no doubt will do whatever it takes to get everything. She probably has already had the property transferred into her name. I knowmfor a fact that she will stop at nothimg to get what she wants. She is completely devoidmof any empathy or humanness and is incapable anymore of even pretending. I have no doubt she could and would murder anyone in her way.
    After years of pain suffering and having my life destroyed by these monsters I have a message to everyone who has posted here.
    GET AWAY- RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. There is NO amount of money worth having your soul health and livelihood sicked away by these vampires.
    I hope there will come a time when these living dead people will be recognized for what they are and quarantined away from society but will not hold my breath waiting since many of the people who have the power to make those kinds of laws are narcissistic monsters themselves.
    Get away with no guilt. Save yourselves. The worst thing you can do to them is expose them and abandon them. When younare gone they will starve. They feed on your pain and their ability to cause it.
    DONT FEED THE MONSTERS

  27. I wanted to add a post script to my earlier comment above.
    NEVER EVER under any circumstances allow your children to interact with the monsters in your life. A child is like prey to a narcissist, fresh meat and they will use and manipulate the child to hurt you. They will stop at nothing tomdestroy you, your kids and your parental relationship with your children. Do not be fooled- the narcissist sees your child as nothing more than a tool to use against you and then discard. As I said before -GET AWAY
    and keep your kids away. You may lament the loss of a grandparent in your childs life but these cold blooded snakes are not caring loving grandparents and you cant lose what you never had. Remember -SUCCESS IS THE BEST REVENGE

  28. My quiet part tells me it’s only a phase, my loud part slaps some sense into my quiet part. I’m 34 and have a younger narcissistic brother, he’s a grade A typical asshole (rivalry, petty jealousy, egotistical) at this point in his life he’s way past PTSD and he’s a psychology major. Funny how that works really, all the crazy ones like working with the crazy people maybe it’s their way of self fulfillment in finding oneself. Then again I could say similar things about the rest of my family but then I would be the one sounding insane and dillusional.

    Where do I begin, my family is quite odd they believe themselves to be involved with my life. Yet have never done an ounce to actually live up to (I would like to say standards) but that doesn’t sound right. More like they have an image of me as something that really isn’t me at all if that even makes sense.

    Yes I have a father/mother yet I feel this wall between us not like the connection is broken more like the connection is miss wired. I had a learning disability in my youth which they never could understand, on top of that the parental advice was very polar opposite to what I was doing or going through. Lets just say they were no help.

    It’s like I’m living in the present and they deem it prudent to conjure up a dead past that simply isn’t me anymore. Imagine having to explain to elderly parents why your son is no longer a teen that you’re in your thirties and have some white hair. I sometimes feel lied to and cheated, but I hope that isn’t just me that I haven’t made a grave error. In my twenties I over heard a conversation between my dad and my brother, it went like this (your brother “me” had a twin who died seconds after my birth) I felt anger at the fact I wasn’t told this at face value rather having to overhear it from the sidelines.

    For the most part I toiled with the idea of what it would have been like having an older sibling, but I’m not known for brash thinking I’m more of a collected individual. The answer I arrived at was it doesn’t matter what matters is you’re alive and there is good in that. In my later life I have had several dental surgeries and even had my wisdom teeth removed. I was even recently diagnosed with latent thyroid disease, a disease I never even heard of but had it my whole life. Because my dad at some point made a dumb move and never allowed to have me diagnosed as child. Worse still my illness hell even my dental is genetic. I feel exhausted, tired, but I will never give up.

    My parents problem is that they sacrificed their children’s future to quell the extended family’s future. Instead of having taught us the lessons of life, I feel they simply force shoved the idea you’re in the woods all alone naked and afraid now find your path. In that respect I feel their discipline and sense of morality is very jaded. My old man still tries to give me advice on career and starting a family of my own. When he doesn’t even understand the difficultly of that wisdom. It’s like that old saying goes “the right tool for the right job….” except it doesn’t apply here at all sad really.

  29. Just starting to learn about narcissism after much heartache and confusion with my family who are all I believe narcissist! All of them, really? Father, Mother, three sisters and one brother (to certain degrees). How can that be? I really looked at myself to see if I could be one too and happily, I am many things (co-dependent, have struggled with addiction etc., but not a narcissist). What I’ve read is the highly sensitive children become co-dependent, vs. a narcissist. Thank you God.

    So it starts out with my self-absorbed younger sister making her way in with Father and pretends to enjoy his company while taking his money for her nursing school. She then starts a campaign within the family to hate on my husband. It works with Father, so he takes me out of the will, because heaven forbid he leave me money and I share it with my husband. He then stops talking to me. Really a blessing, but what a snake my sister is. Then she moves to Texas for a few years and we stop talking. She moves back and gathers up the troops (her siblings) and befriends the middle sister (side note, they never had a really good relationship and had just started talking again). She never calls me or wants to discuss the situation that she created originally with Father and her dislike for my Husband. That’s fine, because I will NEVER trust her AGAIN!

    So now, my middle sister the one my younger sister (BFFs) is having problems in her 25 year marriage and younger sister gets involved giving bad advice. This is the stuff she lives for. Turmoil and drama. Now my middle sister turned against me because all I want to do is live my life in peace without the drama and have my marriage without their comments or interference. Is that too much to ask?

    Unfortunately I can’t have any of them at our home (NEVER my younger sister), because they either ignore him OR make rude remarks to him. NOT COOL! Can’t you people behave for a few hours?

    Sometimes I feel so alone.

  30. My lil sis 6 years younger (34) is excatly that. Thank you. I have peace with the inner me hiding out with in my own soul. I used to be so confused and thought it was me. She recently hooked up with my close friend but she caused divison on purpose which is immature. She even asked him do you want me or my sister? then told me she used to head thrash her ex husband about wanting me and now I am expired and the jealous one. I couldnt believe she is still this out of order in her thinking process- she choose me as her ally coz in her thinking I am the weak one who gives everyone a go! However Ive been paying close attention to her mannerisms toward me for years and reading these blogs has encouraged me its. Thank you for sharing.Her intentions are clear now. Both parents passed away keep in mind. This is her way in my life, business and privacy for her own self-pity to be recognized needing validation of herself for the past 16 years so at this point this is when She rocks up with her 3 children unannounced on our mums anniversaries and birthdays as well as our dads. Then she says I need, I want.. but it is a warm up, its a prefomance for a baby sitter she acts it out when she lashes out at her children with awful bullying trash talk to them to make drama in my home only to leave them to go party. When I told her no more. She said I am going to show you up. Your not perfect and I can bring you undone, if I like.. so I guess It never stops so Im walking away and not looking back. I feel this is my moment to take it in my stride, keep my head up high and take back my joy through just knowing I know the true nature of a narcissist who wants me to believe I am unstable,no fun to be around (coz I dont want to party), tells my friends Im bad,mad,sad even queer. This is her need to make her self feel justified.

  31. I am 47 years old and I didn’t know that narcissism was the culprit to my brothers behavior. It surfaced for me when I became his target at the time our mother was dying from cancer. I suppose he feared that I would be the one who stood to gain the most financially because she lived with me and my husband. As her condition worsened and was hospitalized my brother was able to manipulate her finances in her weakened state. When I finally became aware of it he started his smear campaign against me and was able to manipulate our older brother to go along. I was completely blindsided. They both even refused to mourn her passing with me. I was forced to memorialize her without siblings. I have been devastated by this cruel and undeserving behavior. I am trying to cope since it will be a year soon since my mothers passing.

    I have read all of your stories of betrayal and will pray for our healing and spiritual guidance.
    Many blessings!
    Dani

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