Narcissistic Queen Bee Daughters Rule over Mother, Father, Siblings

It is difficult to imagine that a little girl can control an entire household. Those of you who have been tyrannized by a sibling of this kind understand all too well. From early childhood this daughter was allowed by her parents to kick, demand, scream, bribe, cajole and threaten her parents. If they didn’t cave in to her wishes all hell would break loose. The parents were terrified of “upsetting” their little darling and capitulated to her wishes. This relinquishing of their roles was pivotal in creating a narcissistic personality disorder. With a sense of no limits, “You can do nothing wrong attitude”, “we are afraid to impose respectful behavior on you”—she grew in size, outrageous demands and reprehensible behavior.

Queen Bee narcissists are physically abusive and emotionally cruel to their siblings. They perpetrate their treachery on the younger, weaker ones. When the parents are out of sight, they are free to shove, push, squeeze and hit their younger siblings. The secret threat to this terrified child is: “If you say one word to mom or dad—I will hit you even harder. Mom and dad believe me not you. Shut your mouth, don’t say a word–If you disobey me, you will be very sorry.” Some Queen Bees lock infant siblings in closets for hours when mom and dad are out. The wretched screams of sheer terror coming from the locked dark space doesn’t phase the QB. In fact she gets a certain pleasure and feeling of complete control from these heinous acts.

I have had communications with those who were trip-wired throughout their childhoods and adulthoods by these cruel, ruthless narcissistic queens of the household. These little girls who grow up to be psychological monsters have spent much of their time making the lives of their siblings a daily living hell.

I have known of Queen Bees who wouldn’t invite a sibling to her wedding because she was ashamed of his/her lack of education or how they looked. The Queen Bee always wins these battles. She still has the parents under her control and intimidation. In some cases one sibling will become her servant—a Queen Bee Wanna Be. She follows in her shadow, lapping up any compliments and commands she can collect.

Healing from the wrath and malevolent behaviors of the QB sibling can be done. It first requires the recognition that you were victimized by a very disturbed human being. You are not weak. Your sibling is a severe narcissistic personality disorder and in some cases, a sociopath. Your parents are weak and ineffective and allowed themselves to be taken over by one of their own children. They helped to create a monster who still walks the earth.

This is your time to detach and sever your relationship from the narcissistic Queen Bee. When you take this step, you are renewing your own life, valuing yourself as a unique individual and gaining a sense of respite and inner peace that you deserve. Do this for yourself. Do not be concerned what other family members think or say. This is your business not theirs. If mother and father are perplexed about your decision that is their issue. They never protected you from this dreadful person. Some adult children of Queen Bee sisters find that quality psychotherapy is helpful to them. Be sure you get an excellent therapist. It is worth taking the time and effort and research to do this. Learning how to calm you body and mind through yoga, tai chi and various forms of meditation get you in touch with that interior part of yourself that is at peace and feels secure.

10 thoughts on “Narcissistic Queen Bee Daughters Rule over Mother, Father, Siblings”

  1. My sister is two years older than me and she’s a text book narcissist. though most of my life i didn’t know this. It took me walking away from her to realize what a monster she really is. I always wondered why certain family members treated me like i was a filthy wh@#$. The lies and character assassinations. And who knows how long it’s been going on. When we were children she would walk by and punch you in the head for no reason. I have two older brothers who have physically smacked her around. She seemed to like it because it never stopped her. My oldest brother, when he was 12 or 13, sat down to have some eggs and my n sister came up behind him took her fingers and tore up his eggs. He was so angry he swung his fork back and it landed in her knee. to this day she still has four small puncture wounds in her knee. She and i were fighting, I was 8 or 9, and she ended up breaking my wrist. Then my n mother let me lay there in agony for hours cause she had a dinner party to go to. I always wondered why my sister would get so upset when i would bring up that she broke my wrist. I now know why. It’s something she can’t deny happened. She can’t gaslight and say “you never had a cast on your wrist for 6 weeks” They are the master’s of “i never said or did that”. From what i understand these people do wrong knowing it’s wrong and enjoy it. There is no malfunction with their brain rather a diseased perception of reality. They are well aware of right and wrong. It makes them feel smart to fool you. Living in a world that they’ve created where the only rules they have to adhere to are their own. They can change the stage and the players at any time. And it’s true what they say about being raised in a home with narcissist’s, yep i married one. For the first time in my life i realize that I’ve been surrounded by wolves and then married one. And you think “how could i be so stupid?” But i will never take responsibility for another persons bad intentions. I’m not naive, just a perfect target. When i made this discovery i was beyond angry. I asked god “what do i do?” and he referred me to joseph and the coat of many colors. I have no contact with these people. Although they try to triangulate and send the flying monkees their tentacles can’t reach me. Well, narcissist’s are good for one thing. How to spot other narcissist’s. It’s hard to believe such soulless predators walk among us, but i am free from the oppressive psychological stalking. I can walk into my future knowing the truth.

  2. This is extremely well written. Going through this is actually a soul snatching event , and unless you live through this what I called “a warped and abusive hidden reality”, many will not know what this is. I can tell you , this is very dangerous in particular during developmental years. It takes time to realize what is truly going on. I had to move far away from – and still have fears of any family reunion.. where there is sure to be a non-rationale hysterical rage fueled attack, and childlike hysterical crying by one of my siblings – even after 50 years. I was never protected from her, and never will be . Her friends have no idea who she really is, even after all these years. Once the door is shut , and her friends leave –the monster in destructive mode leaves nothing but sorrow in the wake.

    The only way to win , is to stay true to who you are, pray and move very far away. Have as little contact as you can, and never ever try to rationalize the craziness. You can not rationalize crazy. Never feel bad for protecting yourself, it is your duty. The control starts with a little girl manipulating a parent at a very early age, extreme dishonesty without a conscience, and a belief that you need to be destroyed if you tell the truth, or just for being yourself.

  3. This site was a real revelation to me. I have recently moved back to my birth state only to find that the actions of my narcissistic sister are repelling me and making me want to leave. For years I have struggled with her overbearing insulting personality, and when I originally left my family I now know why. Coming back has only made me want to leave again and its because of the constant abuse, and the constant roller coaster of emotions that she projects on people she is around. Her behavior is always changing and made worse by her drinking as well. Now that I can step back I can see how all of my life she has insulted me, along with my parents who also joined in on insulting me. Its no wonder that I wish to leave again as I feel I have no support from my immediate family. It feels like the only thing they really want from me is money for their college aged children. I do not have the support that I wanted to have moving back here, but the reality is that I will never have it. I am really glad that you have opened up my eyes to the personality disorder that exists in my family and now I know that I am making the best choice for my own best self preservation. Thank you for this revealing site.

    1. I also moved back to my home state in 2000. 16 years later divorced, missed kids growing up and being their mom, moved multiple times, struggle financially, emotionally. Have trouble making friends as no one would believe what this evil sister has done to me. Brother is somewhat of a flying monkey. Narcissist sister gaslighted me from day one. Mom in denial. Mom punishes me for not moving near her and my narcissist sister. After being gaslighted from day one I moved on the other side of town. As punishment, I am cut out of control of all of mom’s stuff. And so now I get abused by the narcissist who is in control. And I am going to be arrested if I try to stick my nose in mom’s business, and put in mental institute. As she has already done this to her own daughter I have no reason to doubt she would do to me; with joy and laughter. I can hear her threats in my sleep, she projects her narcissism onto me as if I am the evil one. Lies about me, will stop at NOTHING to retain control of mom and the family. She is an abuser. I feel your pain. And it’s 95% about mom’s assets which she plans on keeping for herself as she is the only one who lives near mom and does everything for mom…(Ohhhhhh You’re right you are so great and so knowing and we should just call you the anointed one), that’s all she really wants is for people to believe in her see how much she has been right all these years….and mom’s money of course. Which she will likely get, she is not beyond signing mom’s name to anything and taking everything she ‘deserves’. Poor dear, she has suffered so much. No one has been though as much pain and suffering as she has. Reality Check::::::Mom retired so she could be narcissist sister full time babysitter for nine years for free. Narcissist sister has trouble paying her bills and never buys anything unless she ‘borrows’ the money from mom. Narcissist sister has been planning her retirement based on procuring anything mom has left. And I mean step by step by step she has been planning this for years. The pain and suffering she has stuffed on me over the last 16 years all so she can be in control of all family matters is criminal. I tried to move also, even bought property next state over. Didn’t work out, family stuck their nose in so bad, mom protested the move, stuck her nose in my life. I am divorced now. never moved out of state. Just divorced and went broke. Narcissism s…ks. People not exposed to this demonic behavior have no clue what you are talking about. and oh yeah, my narcissist sister born on Hitler’s birthday, raised Catholic.

  4. [How do you repair relationship w/non-narcissistic sibling under narcissistic influence?]

    I initially blogged this site about 5 years ago regarding my narcissistic Queen Bee sister Darien, my very elderly Mom (She passed on 1-19-13 age 98), and my middle sister (Anne) who’s still somewhat brainwashed out of fear by Darien .

    I am 58 now. My sisters are 6 and 8 years my elder. Since we last corresponded, I went back to New York several times towards the end of my Mom’s life when she was in the hospital; at Mom’s funeral 1-21-13; and the Unveiling on Columbus Day, 2013. Darien’s vindictive vengeance, meanness and cruelty seems to me to be worse than when we grew up. For example…the day we buried my mom, she wanted me out of her house after the company left. My friend stuck up for me. Darien impeded my efforts to stay in my vacant Mom’s apartment when she was hospitalized. I got the Chaplain Rabbi to call Darien on my behalf. He successfully intervened. Darien won’t give me back my bar mitzvah album nor my Mom’s Will. Anne stuck up for Darien too. Darien claimed Mom was broke. She instigated Anne to harass me to contribute $$ for Mom’s living expenses. I’m on Social Security Disability now. These are just a few recent cruelty stories.

    My middle sister Anne has shown me some signs of recognizing Darien’s brutal behavior. At other times Anne still shows signs of continued brainwashing out of fear. She has confided with me occasionally about Darien’s control-freakish behavior. Anne claims to shy away and back down when it happens. i.e. Darien tried coercing/intimidating Anne into moving her family to NY to help her take care of my Mom. When I confided with Anne about Darien’s acts of cruelty, she had no emotional reaction, however she offered and helped me out with monetary expenses with airfare and hotel. I respected the kind gesture, however I suspect she is offsetting certain feelings of gullt here. On the other hand Anne still vigorously sticks up for Queen Bee Darien even regarding her cruelty acts I mentioned herein. About a year ago, Anne accused me of deserting a family that she claimed was totally there for me. I could only think of how her capitulated servitude to the Queen Bee has impacted her life. I tried to tell Anne my reasons leaving, but I don’t think she got it.

    I am hopefully trying to see if I can become closer with Anne. Darien is 100% hopeless. I can only see success in my efforts only if Anne can empathize with what I have been through for nearly 50 years, thus pull away from her fears and recognize the brainwashing by seeing it from above. I think she would need to have an emotional breakthrough. It would take a series of calls. I have discussed it with my psychologist too. I know it’s a long shot but I have nothing to lose by trying. I feel like I have sort of one shot at the emperor though. For now, I have been trying to improve continuity w/Anne via phone and email. I welcome any input by any bloggers. Thank you for reading my blog.

  5. My narcissistic sister held our family in terror for years with her constant rowing. My parents succumbed to her many demands, expecting me to clear up afterward.

    It is difficult to comprehend how a sibling appears to hold nothing but contempt and hatred for you. Sadly this unthinkable truth must be confronted as it is not far from the truth.

    She seems to enjoy causing upset and then playing the victim, unfortunately limited contact is the only route. She seems to have mastered the skill of turning friends aand colleagues against me, making sure her children are my parents priority, and suggesting I leave my home because she wants it,

    Anybody else that can empathise?

  6. My Sister was very abusive, what can I say she was aggressive and teamed up with my older half brother hanging on his words and echoing is hate for my Dad. He worked hard and sometimes worked very long hours in physically demanding jobs even adopting my older brother and tried as he might to treat him as his own son my half brother dripped poison into her ears and moved goal posts constantly.

    My sister likes to act the victim and as we could not afford the things other families could this made things worse, As soon as my father was home from work she would act up or give a tirade of verbal abuse. Now before I go any further it is important to understand we also shared a bedroom so when she made false and terrifying claims against my father (of whom none of this was true) and unfounded. She became so toxic and aggressive she was even gloating about splitting the family up and seeing an innocent man put behind bars.

    Eventually she put herself in care and we moved out of a village that between them had set off false rumours that brought my Dad and Mum to tears. Myself and my little brother became subjected to the bullies that they had created and I was nearly beaten by a gang of kids all because of their lies (I actually had to hide under a nissan micra to avoid the beating that day).

    Although alot of this is a potted history and I tried to become friends with her I then lost contact. My older half brother even used her name as a swearword until I pointed out that his daughter may become a bully because there maybe a child, parent or teacher with the same name. His wife even joked she had ‘sworn’ and the midwife happened to have the same name as my sister so was as you can understand a little confused at this once I explained this they stopped as far as I was concerned despite the violence and deceit my sister had she was after all still my sister.

    I guess the other reason why mending bridges didn’t work and this is a sad part of the story was as a broken teenager and my sister came home after making things tricky for herself I had a short relationship with her boyfriend of whom was on the verge of breaking up with her. It was a terrible thing to of happened I am not a spiteful person and looking back I realised I was more vulnerable than I realised and I will never forgive myself and for that she threatened me with a knife and he went on to cheat again on her with someone else.

    So anyway, 10 years go by I even work out where she lives and hope she has a good life and not messed herself up any more and somehow finds peace as I gradually did until her interest is sparked by something in the press. She gets back in contact and as soon as she befriends the half brother again my significance vanishes into side swipes and quotes on a well known website even trying to have my other sister in-law sacked from her job by sending a false letter of complaint to her boss and my Half brother from being in regular contact unable to speak to the family as his dormant hatred rises again leaving his wife to contact the family when he is out.

    The metaphorical measuring tape is back out again about their hard lives and how they have been treated blaming politics for most of the common man’s woes and also how they were raised. This time the roles are reversed where he is wrapped around her finger and congratulating one another over this and that hanging on one another’s words and now dripping poison into their children’s ears.

    Even if she visits the area of the country that I live it is always to see my half brother and family. I even offered to take her out for a coffee and slice of cake an olive branch if you may with no other purpose than offering a coffee and a piece of cake but even this is splashed over the popular site as if I had far more sinister plan.

    I am too old for stupid games and politics should remain in parliament. I don’t care for one-upmanship. I have had several brushes with death which makes life too short for s***t. She isn’t all the bad stuff written here there were times when we were close but only on her terms.

    She posts about her day and I have to admit I laugh at how humanitarian or liberal she thinks she is when she then has swipes at people of certain beliefs immediately backing it up with a trite post about everyone is equal and ‘ists’ of this and that are terrible (yet she hates a certain Christian group) only because my parents in the past few years converted to it.

    She hates it if anyone disagrees with her of has a different belief system or ethos to her own. All I want is my sister to be my sister. I know what I admitted to most would never forgive and I get that now. I don’t want forgiveness I just want her to realise I love her.

    I love her but the devastation she leaves behind is a bit like rolling an armed grenade into a room and shutting the door after herself. I wish her well but I am considering removing all contact with her. Both of our parents are very ill but she posts how she doesn’t care with her trite sayings and probably how it affects her or quips about this and that. I’d keep one avenue possibly open but when the day comes I don’t even think I’ll want them at their inevitable funerals encase the days become more about her than the actual participants.

    So yes she is a violent narcissist that may have calmed down but she is my sister she seems to keep her days occupied about her kids and politics, studying and losing weight. I like to think as she adds her threads she is a good person behind the wake of devastation she has a habit of leaving I just prey her and the half brother don’t end up living closer than the 300 miles that are between them or heaven help their own respective families.

    Because if they could nearly break mine and we were strong enough to forgive the torrent of abuse both of them inflicted many others would not.

  7. This accurately describes one of my older sisters and my youngest sister. I believe the youngest is a full blown sociopath and the other is a narcissist. They probably develop in different ways. The younger probably admired our dad’s verbal abusiveness and ability to get his way by bullying. The older seems to have admired those qualities as well but she was probably verbally abused more so she has some denial/self-defence thing going on. The younger will steal or attack you and have no remorse at all. The older one will steal from you and then deny it ever happened. The more evidence you present the louder she screams and cries about her innocence.

    I decided two or three years ago to exclude them from my life completely. My life has changed for the better in many ways.

    Thank you for the time you put into this blog. Siblings or kids of narcissist develop their own issues and blogs like your help us to understand, heal and forgive.

  8. This describes my sister. My mom passed away (my dad passed 10yrs ago) and i have been accused of stealing from my mom, not caring for her, etc. I took care of my mom, her health etc.
    I was kicked out of the hospital when she passed, the funeral and viewing. Im seeing a councelor but i dont think she believes me about my sister. Its not normal sibling rivalry.
    Thank you for your article. Its helped me not doubt what i know.

  9. Hi everyone.
    I am so relieved to read all of these replies that give me more ‘evidence’ that I am not exaggerating nor overreacting to what I see happening. It is also so comforting to read that I am not the only one starting to see the whole picture only at a quite mature age.

    I just turned 50, and my 5 years elder sister has always had quite extreme behaviour and extreme demands for everyone around her. As a child she was the shining bubbly princess, and I was to kneel and become the ugly duckling. I was constantly put down and ridiculed, and tortured until I cracked into tears. She convinced me that if our father ever saw any signs of crying he would beat me for it. My skin was full of with blues form constant pushing and pinching, but my parents somehow never saw anything. When I pointed this out one day not long ago to her, she replied lightly that she just wanted to get me moving as I was so slow.
    As a teenager I would stand and watch how my sister convinced my parents to push me to continue my piano lessons when I had just told them that I would like to leave the hobby as I didn’t really enjoy it. My new boyfriend was ‘either a bit stupid or quite childish’ to date me…and so on and on and on…

    After countless uncomfortable family gatherings over the adult years I slowly started to stay away as much as I could, and finally we rarely contacted each other which I found a bit sad at times but always remembered after another contact why I preferred the distance.
    Now when our mother with Alzheimer’s has needed to return to her flat in Finland after spending years in Spain, my sister has started to show very alarming patterns of behaviour after realising how little our mother really can remember and handle on her own anymore. My mother had earlier, naturally, pointed my sister as the caretaker over her financial and overall wellbeing, and you can probably imagine the rest…
    I have been blamed for owing to mother both money wise as well as mentally, not caring for her enough of late -nor in the future! She has started to pull the carpet out under my feet where ever she has been able to, but luckily she has very little to pull. Mother’s Spanish will should be cancelled before any sales, she says, mother’s layer says otherwise… Mother doesn’t wish to sell, mother says otherwise… I can’t even begin to imagine where this will lead…

    I am convinced that I would be better off and so much healthier when cutting the ties for good, even if I then lost my possible inheritance. But leaving my mother to this cold calculator who could not care less…?? Mother is so vulnerable and her long term gentleman friend has just been diagnosed with a painful cancer and they have to live in separate towns… Sister claims these is not enough money for much anything else than the basic care (which of course is because my fault), but sister’s own wealth does not come to play, naturally. I really don’t know what would be the wisest thing to do.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *