Being married to a narcissist, being the sister or brother of a
narcissist, having a narcissistic mother or father or being the member
of a total narcissistic family sucks the energy out of a person’s life.
No matter how you play it and under every circumstance–It is always
about them–their looks, their homes, their holidays, their parties,
their outward image, their financial successes, their victories over
enemies, their seductions, their cruelties to the weak and vulnerable—
I am reminded of the words from Ecclesiastes: ” Vanity of vanities,
saith the Preacher…all is vanity.” One can add the word ego here
to represent the overblown self absorption and exclusion of the
feelings and entire lives of others when we speak of the narcissist’s
With narcissists in one’s family, little
children are aware that the focus of attention was always on someone
else, not them. They thought that was the way life went. There is a
powerful figure a narcissistic mother who rules. She is always right and
you are always wrong, stupid, slow, lazy, ugly, despicable,
unworthy—name any derogatory word and that’s what you were. Day and
night these words were etched inside of your consciousness. You even
drempt that mother was screaming them at you in your sleep. There was no
way of escaping her verbal lashings. Often you believed her. What else
could you do. You were a prisoner in her house of hell.
the blatant abuse, the narcissistic mother is completely obsessed
with her life- her career, her looks, her social influence, financial
security, the need to have anything she wanted. She put the attention on
herself compulsively. She expected her children to adore her and to
serve her. Some children of narcissistic mothers described themselves as
full time servants–cooking, cleaning, washing, fetching, ironing
clothes for mother so she could leave them for entire long nights by
themselves. Even children as young as two or three years old have been
left alone to take care of themselves.
narcissistic mothers would throw a bottle in the crib of her screaming
infant and slam the front door. Her only reservation and hope was that
no neighbor would hear the baby crying and find her out. She would
return late in the morning to find a child whimpering from sheer terror
or exhaustion or passed out from crying all night long. These things do
happen when children have narcissistic mothers. This is the epitome of
“It’s all about me.” These are crimes against children. I believe they
are unforgivable. I have heard too many life stories of these themes of
extreme maternal deprivation and abuse.
It is time to
recognize that maternal narcissistic abuse is occurring all of the time.
We need to shine a bright light on it. If you have been a victim and
have survived and are now living your own life in freedom, I applaud
your ability to save yourself and to prevail. We begin by learning
deeply about the nature of the narcissistic personality. Visit my
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life