The Narcissist In Your Life

Narcissists–Perfect Weddings–Disastrous Marriages

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Sat, 18 May 2013 20:46:36 +0000

Everything about the narcissist is image. For him or her image is reality, a reality based on grandiose delusions and visions of perfection. Observing the wedding plans and how they are impeccably created and executed can tell the tale to follow. It is understandable that couples want their wedding day to be very special and memorable. Here I am talking over the top perfectionism. Nothing is more important than the actual event where the narcissist plays the starring role, standing at the center of his universe, the emperor of his domain.

After the soft focus glow of the honeymoon the gorgeous masks of the narcissistic groom or bride slip and we begin to feel and see who this person we married truly is. There are pricks of criticisms that become more frequent and wounding. The other spouse waves them off, thinking: “Oh, he’s just having a tough time today–no point in making a case out of this” or “I am overreacting to him/her because I know how sensitive I am. He has told me so many times.” or “He is making a big adjustment to our being a married couple now. Give him a break.” These thoughts run through the head of the non-narcissistic spouse–always making excuses for the narcissistic spouse even when his vituperative comments are tearing you apart day after day. Next, the always sharp fangs appear when the narcissist lets go with full throated screaming fits that last long enough to cause your nervous system to go into fight or flight mode. Your adrenaline is pumping so fast that you are shivering, have a thundering headache, roiling intestines, feelings of doom.

Eventually the non-narcissistic spouse is worn down, beaten up emotionally, exhausted, spent and constantly on edge. The narcissist’s tricks and ruses become more frequent; the lies overflow and cannot be counted; the betrayals are ongoing; his hatred of you has congealed; his pathological projections are legion. Each attack has your name on it.

Finally, you are fed up. You do the research, go to therapy, check your intuitions that have been pounding at you for months and years and Yes—You are married to a narcissistic personality, a person without empathy, emotional intimacy, truth, conscience, a scintilla of compassion for another human being. You make your move to sever the non-relationship from this highly pathological individual. You will rescue yourself from this disastrous marriage. As you make the effort and do the hard work, the original self in you is celebrating—Freedom!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Spouses Activate Our Self Destructive Patterns

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Thu, 16 May 2013 21:52:48 +0000

It is dreadful enough being married to a person who is constantly criticizing you, emotionally bludgeoning you,humiliating you in private and public, lying about his secret forays and generally causing unbearable stress and chaos in your life. What makes it worse is the way that this sadistic cruel pattern of treatment activates your old self destructive patterns of thinking, feeling and behavior. If you feel “less than” deep inside his/her attacks and onslaughts cut to the quick and you are back into your four year old skin, listening to mother screaming at the top of her lungs: “You are worthless.” Why did I have you?” “You are stubborn and stupid and will never learn.” And on and on. You feel these old etched words and her horrible looks viscerally as if it is happening right now. You become a frightened little child all over again. You were never enough—not pretty, bright, energetic, social, –That’s what you are hearing as an adult decades later when your narcissistic spouse starts one of his chronic verbal attacks. It reinforces the misbeliefs you have about yourself.

When you can finally recognize who the narcissist is, identify him without a doubt and separate who you are from him/her, you have begun the process of healing. Now you can work with your core psychological issues. Until you make that distinction, you are left trapped in his/her toxic projections.

First, recognize that you are entitled to lead your life as an evolving human being, using all of your gifts, enjoying your own company and that of others, being independent and strong within yourself, feeling the healing grace of solitude, the excitement of learning something new and appreciating life in the moment.

You are up to this challenge. You will do the hard work of healing yourself. Some turn to psychotherapy but it must be highly skilled and the therapist must be truly empathic. Others find healing modalities like gentle yoga, tai chi, forms of meditation that work for you, finding a trusting support system and using creative gifts that are now open to you. You can win your real self back. This lovely person has been waiting to give you a hug and many blessings for a long time.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Mothers-in-Law and Their Narcissistic Sons Wreck Marriages

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Sat, 11 May 2013 23:43:00 +0000

You never suspected when you met your narcissistic husband that he was a pathological disorder who was going to turn your life upside down. You fell for him immediately and didn’t listen to the quiet murmurings of your intuition that said: ” this man is a phony, too good to be true. He’s making empty promises he will never keep. He is, beneath the smooth act, completely self absorbed, controlling and manipulative.” Oh those times when we do not listen to the Oracle of Intuition.

Along with this most charming of men comes his narcissistic mother-in-law. After you have been married for a short time you notice that your husband’s glorious mask has begun to slip, especially behind closed doors. You find him in a beet red rage over some very small oversight on your part. He criticizes you over nothing. You feel unsteady and confused and anxious. Where is the man whom you married? He stripped to the real him in private. In public he is a marvel of social grace–adorable, charming, impeccable manners. butter wouldn’t think of melting in his mouth. He is a deal closer par excellence, oozing with self confidence. Those who do not know the real man, adore him and would follow him through the endless dunes, barren plateaus and dry valleys of the god forsaken Sahara.

Enter the Source–His Narcissistic Mother. Those who have gone through hell week, years or decades with a narcissistic mother-in-law have horrid stories to tell of psychological battering, open disdain and rudeness, dismissive behaviors that say you don’t matter or even exist. Psychological pummeling and continuing ambushes are part of the daily sadistic fare. Narcissistic mother continually uses her clever drams of poison to assure that your husband will hate you even more. This mother/son narcissistic duo cannot be broken. As hard as you try to be the perfect wife and person to your narcissistic husband, this will never work. Remember, this man was molded by his mother. If he was the golden son, he could do no wrong, had no limits or conscience, could step on any ones’ toes. To the NM he was her perfect born–her magnificent creation. The psychological umbilical link between NM and NS cannot be broken.The narcissistic son has a love/hate relationship with mother that is lifelong. He hates being her possession; he despises being emasculated by her but he always returns to her no matter what. This unbroken pathological bond wrecks marriages.

If children are involved it gets more complex and ugly. The NMIL may turn your children against you secretly. Or she might ignore them completely. Her main obsession is her son, since she doesn’t have a life of her own. He is the perfect mirror of her–the one she lives through and for. There she is hidden in a corner, telling outrageous lies about your character and past that she spins and feeds to him like a delicacy. Her good boy possession believes narcissistic mama. This Gordian Knot cannot be cut, even by you. After all, she was the first woman in his life.

The pathological psychological fusion between NM and NS takes precedence over your marriage. As much as he unconsciously hates her possession of him, they remain locked together, keeping you out.

Study and learn to recognize this narcissistic dynamic and sever yourself from it to recover your own life. This can be a difficult process but it is well worth the effort to breathe your own freedom of body, mind and spirit once more–to lead a life in the full light of your self initiation, the use of your many gifts and talents and to feel a dynamic peace that you have always deserved.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Suffer Maternal Deprivation—The Void I Feel Inside

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Tue, 07 May 2013 22:12:42 +0000

Narcissistic maternal deprivation is difficult for most people to understand because it cannot usually be seen as bruises or welts or scratches. It is both a psychological wound and a void that the daughter of a narcissistic mother feels inside herself. This pain is the absence of nurturing, of loving care, of affection, of emotional and physical closeness, of hugs never given, of sweet glances from mother to daughter and back again. These daughters never experience the loving physical, emotional and psychological presence of their mother. If mom is physically there, she is either distracted and not paying attention or she is berating her daughter, criticizing her, humiliating her, blaming her for everything that went wrong in the narcissistic mother’s life.

The child takes this upon herself and internalizes the absence of positive feelings toward her. She is neglected and because she must survive she is not capable of knowing that this is true–that she is not wanted, respected, cherished. Narcissistic mothers often push their own daughters out of their way and are envious of them. They do everything they can to create emotional chaos in their lives. Some of the most profound wounds are the absence of attention. Some narcissistic mothers are like automatons, going about their days in a frenzy of work, social activities, shopping sprees, talking with friends, arranging parties, even going on trips–leaving their daughters alone to fend for themselves. I have heard of daughters as young as five who had to find a way to take care of themselves while mother partied throughout long weekends with boyfriends. Sometimes the party is carried on in the home and the young daughter is subjected to drunken scenes where sexual activity is taking place impulsively and wildly. The young daughter is shocked by these activities. In some cases the men who are there come on to the daughter sexually and she is terrified.

Some daughters of narcissistic mothers feel an emotional void inside of them. They long for and miss what they never had. Often they cannot define it but know they are in emotional pain. Many of them seek to find the answers and to heal. Some daughters of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent psychotherapy as well as learning to nurture themselves and to become receptive to the love and warmth that they have always deserved. I speak to those daughters now and say: You are so dear and lovely–You are whole–You are loving, kind, steady and strong. I celebrate you and your lives.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Learning to Trust After the Narcissist

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Sat, 04 May 2013 17:41:55 +0000

Erik Erikson, the great psychoanalyst, introduced what he called the Eight Ages of Man. The beginning phase he named Trust versus Mistrust. This stage takes place during the first year of life. How the child perceives himself inside as either secure and trusting of himself and his environment depends greatly on the maternal relationship. The mother communicates to her child through her attachment to him, her own trustworthiness and steadiness. As the result the baby internalizes these feelings of safety, security and of being cherished deep inside himself. This internalization “forms the basis in the child for a sense of identity.”

So many children as a result of poor or non-mothering develop a sense of mistrust from the beginning. The mothering figure was unreliable, emotionally unsteady, psychologically cold and distant, incapable of being affectionate and emotionally intimate with her baby and young child. This is a description of the narcissistic mother. Quite often those who have been through the ordeals of growing up with a narcissistic mother are attracted to men and women who are narcissists. They are returning to a pattern of psychological abuse, deprivation, unsteadiness, fight or flight mode, becoming again the recipient of cruel projections that are injurious to mind, psyche and body. This is what is familiar to the child who grew up with a narcissistic parent or within a narcissistic family.

The individual who survived under the ordeals of childhood with a narcissistic parent often repeats this self destructive pattern by marrying a narcissistic personality. What was left unknown and buried inside of us as children is often repeated as adults. Being married to a narcissist is a daily waking nightmare. You try to change this person and hope that his/her outrageous demands, demeaning criticisms and humiliations will come to an end but they don’t and will not. You are wearing yourself out trying to be perfect in response to this individual’s deep pathology. You are sacrificing yourself and your life to the narcissistic spouse. You ask yourself? Is it worth it? What is happening to my life, my state of mind, my emotional and physical health, my creative potential, my sense of security? The answer is that you have become the human object upon which all of the vituperative unconscious thoughts, feelings and impulses of the narcissistic spouse are constantly being projected on to you. This is unhealthy for you in every way. Some spouses awaken to this crisis they are in and take action by severing their relationship with this person who has taken over their lives, thoughts, emotions, feelings of hope, dreams, etc.

If you decide that you must end your suffering by breaking this “relationship” you will change your life. This is not easy but it can be done. Your steadfastness and courage will lead the way. Your strong sense of entitlement to lead your own life will prevail. In the process of healing after the narcissist many individuals return to work out their trust issues. Some benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing paths such as gentle hatha yoga as well as forming relationships with those whom you know are understanding and supportive of your healing process. You will learn to trust people who are worthy of it. You will become skilled at recognizing the narcissistic personality and never choose him or her as a partner. You will work to become calmer inside, to appreciate the unique person you are and to use your many gifts. You will become secure within yourself and appreciate who you were always meant to be.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Harming Yourself–Sever Pathological Cord to Narcissistic Spouse

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Thu, 02 May 2013 06:25:09 +0000

When you remain married to a narcissistic personality and you have spent years psychologically dancing on hot coals for him or her, you are injuring yourself. It is not only highly unpleasant–which is a gross understatement–it is chronic misery and even torture to continue to share your life with this highly dysfunctional person who will not change. Don’t let him convince you in a moment of vulnerability that the life that you share with him/her is ever going to be any different. As the years roll by, it gets tougher because you are becoming more exhausted from the cycle of abuse, distress to your psyche, a body and mind continually in fight or flight mode. Some spouses expect to be treated this way because they never had a different life experience starting in childhood. Being treated with disdain, cruelty and deception was part of everyday reality in their family. Life at home was unpredictable, could not be counted on to be steady and warm, was filled with wrenching criticisms and created deep personal feelings of psychological unsteadiness and free floating anxiety.

After leaving the family home and being relieved that the physical tie had loosened it didn’t take long for many of us to find ourselves hopelessly attracted to an individual who at first was so mesmerizing that we were reeling with excitement and runaway desire. If there is a strong sexual chemistry, the pull can be insurmountable. This is especially the case if the man or woman who will become the victim of a narcissist once again has not been able to work through narcissistic family issues and to recognize that they were abused throughout childhood and the years growing up.

We are drawn to what is familiar to us if we remain unconscious of the forces that lie below the surface of our life experience. We all have a tendency to repeat what is familiar even if it is disastrous to us. Marrying and re-marrying narcissistic spouses is a common thread that runs through the lives of many people.

For many, a series of moments accrue into an awakening—”What the hell am I doing to myself/” This man/woman doesn’t give a damn about me.” “He lives only for himself, lies continuously, exploits me, psychologically weakens me, baits me so that I can’t think straight, makes innumerable broken promises that I have believed in the past.” Finally this person awakens and realizes that the nightmare ride with the narcissist will have to stop—Now! No more of this hellish existence you say to yourself. Many victims of narcissists realize that they must stop harming themselves by severing the relationship with this person who is sucking the life out of them every moment they continue their involvement.

They gather their courage, make a firm commitment and specific plans to leave, make arrangements for a divorce, find an attorney who is up for the battle and be prepared to make the life changing transition from victim to victory of the self. This is not easy work but your emotional, psychological freedom and your physical health are worth all the effort. You will persevere and prevail. Reach out to people whom you trust and are with you for the full race and victory at the finish line and the beginning of your new life. You now know that you are entitled to the full use all of your gifts, to have access to your own thoughts and feelings without intrusion and to learn for the first time how to let down, to be at ease within your own being–body, mind and spirit.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Martyr Mother Controls through Guilt and Cunning

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Thu, 02 May 2013 00:49:40 +0000

You would never imagine that certain mothers who appear to give up their lives for their children and minister to others could be so malicious, destructive, even evil. When these narcissistic mothers are wearing their martyr robes, they are above reproach. Their selflessness cannot be questioned. She is admired by everyone within her social circle–other family members–aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces as well. . People look up to this selfless woman whom they view as a very devoted mother. She responds: “My children are my life, my top priority.” Indeed they are her focus for inflicting guilt, blame, relentless criticism and endless shame. The narcissistic mother is a master at inflicting guilt. Her children grow up convinced they are flawed, that there is something fundamentally very wrong about them and that they must obey or they will be severely punished and humiliated. These narcissistic mothers are extraordinarily cunning. Inside the home they are merciless. Their children don’t have room to breathe. Mother attempts to control their minds. These children always feel guilty because they are not perfect like she is. As hard as they try, her children can never measure up to mother’s perfection. Narcissistic martyr mothers play an ugly psychological card giving their children the message that their mother’s emotional and health welfare depends on their absolute obedience to her. One message is that mother could become very ill if her children do not obey her. She reminds them that what others think of them and the family is sacred. Living in this home is like being in prison on lock down. The child of the narcissistic martyr mother is confined within his own mind to believe this woman. After all, he or she must survive. When a child appears to stray from mother’s strict rules of conduct and proper thinking, she punishes them by inflicting more guilt. In a cunning manner she pits one child against the next, telling the more vulnerable ones that they are not measuring up to the goodness of their siblings.

This is a very painful way to go through childhood as a psychological prisoner. Some children finally recognize that their narcissistic mother is highly disturbed and that they have been brainwashed. Some with the help of excellent professional therapy and their own personal inner work come to these realizations and begin the road back to healing their original selves–that part of them that has been waiting since the beginning to live in mental, emotional and psychological freedom, to express their feelings without fear or guilt, to use their unique creative gifts, to open themselves to the love and affection of others and to learn how to trust for the first time. This is a healing process that they will follow throughout their lives. They renew their lives each day in gratefulness, psychological freedom and the deep knowledge and appreciation of their unique authenticity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Divorcing Your Narcissistic Family

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 05:51:53 +0000

Some families are so narcissistically toxic, being a part of this highly disturbed family tableau is intolerable. You have been a psychological punching bag most of your life. When one or both parents are narcissists together with one or two golden children, you are crowded out by egos so inflated that there is no room for you. As a young child you are at the mercy of these people from hell. What are you going to do? Walk out of the house at the age of five after you have been screamed out and pushed around most of your young life? You can’t. You have to stay because you are too young and vulnerable. Young children who grow up under these dire conditions are always in a state of siege. Some of them learn to become invisible among their own family members. The hide in their rooms and when they are older spend many hours in the homes of their friends. Narcissistic mothers love to choose favorites–a son who is handsome, dynamic, talented, bright, cocksure of himself. He moves through the house, treating you like a slave. The scapegoated child is subject to varieties of cruelties by their parents and siblings. In some cases two siblings will get close so that they can make protect one another from constant verbal onslaughts, intimidations, jaw dropping humiliations that sear through the heart of a child.

As the abused child in a narcissistic family grows up it can be difficult to feel entitled to lead your own life, to stop blaming yourself for not fulfilling your parents’ delusional demands, for being imperfect. Even if you had been perfect—this is never enough for the narcissistic personality. If you don’t fit into their image that mirrors them and whom they have chosen, you can’t win. So stop trying. Seek your psychological and emotional freedom from your highly dysfunctional, abusive family.

Adult children who take this step are very courageous and deserve our respect. This is not easy but it is essential to separating out of your highly disturbed family of origin. Some find that excellent psychotherapy will help them. As you stop contact with your family from hell and grow away from them and recognize and appreciate your uniqueness and your creative gifts, you will begin to sense a stillness inside of yourself. You will learn to appreciate your uniqueness and discover there are others whom you meet that enjoy your company and your authenticity. This individuality of yours is delightful. You discover your humor, your joy, your capacity for loving others and receiving this in kind. Enjoy your freedom, your lovely heart, your great creative gifts, your growing evolving self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Married to a Narcissistic Sociopath–Learn to Place Value on YOUR LIFE

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 19:27:17 +0000

If you are married to a man or woman without conscience, who hurts others without a scintilla of concern, who demeans and undermines you, who lives strictly for himself, who treats you with psychological abuse, constant criticisms that run through your body that put you in continual states of terror, who screams in your face at the top of his lungs, telling you how worthless you are, who leads a secret life and with great cunning is secretly trying to take away your financial security by lying about his plans for the two of you, if you are being blamed for everything that he is doing (not you), if you are the recipient of the putrid flow of his toxic projections, if you are always on edge waiting for the next tirade that feels like the tectonic plates and you can’t stand it one more moment, it is likely you are married to a narcissistic sociopath. The very clever and “successful” sociopath is smooth as imported silk. In the social whirl, he shines and glows. People are drawn to him. They melt like butter in his presence. They can’t say “no” to him. Remember when you first met him. You were captivated by this man (woman). You may have become obsessed and he took over your mind and heart. You married him and as time passed you realized that something was very wrong. You blamed yourself and worked harder at pleasing him. That didn’t solve the problem. The problem between the two of you became untenable but you wouldn’t give up, thinking you could fix it if you just tried harder. He (she) betrayed you and you forgave him. He mangled you with personal crushing comments. You were exhausted, spent, done, cooked.

Finally you researched and discovered who this man (woman) really is—a narcissistic sociopath, a pathologically fixed personality that will not change. You reached out to a friend who understood the hell you were going through. Some people respond very oddly to these situations. They act “nice” but they don’t want to hear it. They don’t believe you and think your imagination has taken over. They write you off in their minds. “She’s such a drama queen. She exaggerates everything”, they say to themselves. Forget those who don’t believe you. I do. I know this territory of the mind of the narcissistic sociopath and the treachery and darkness of their malevolent ways.

Your knowledge is powerful. Start Now to place value on YOUR LIFE. This often begins with severing your relationship with this person who has caused you dreadful suffering. Let your healing begin with taking good care of yourself and developing a strong sense of entitlement to lead your own life (not his/hers). Rebuild your body/mind with consistent times you take to be quiet, to meditate (in a way that is pleasant and works for you), journal and watch the words move through you. Let the river of feelings flow and know that you are healing in these precious moments. This is nature’s way–a letting go, a loosening, a softening, and finally a peace announces itself inside of you. Stay here and recognize that this is the real original you that has been waiting so long to announce its lovely presence. The peace speaks inside of you and says: “This is who you are. I have been waiting for you to find me. I am always with you. I cherish you. I love you.”

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Being Victim of Narcissistic Generational Abuse Stops with Me

Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 20:33:36 +0000

I hear from many men and woman who have endured and survived horrendous narcissistic abuse from their Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Siblings, Narcissistic Spouses. A number of them report narcissistic cruelties, betrayals, abandonment, scapegoating, bullying that was pathologically repeated from one family generation to the next. They speak of mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. who perpetrated every manner of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. These victims can remember how they were treated as if it was yesterday. They speak about several generations of relatives who coldly participated in a variety of cruelties including psychological and physical abandonment, maternal deprivation, the imposition of sadistic punishments, making terrified servants out of their children, the engagement of horrific punishments that caused constant terror within the household. They described that they were servants in their own homes, bowing to the whims, needs and wishes of tyrannical narcissistic family members.

Those who rise up and say No More to narcissistic abuse are courageous individuals. Despite being surrounded by members of their own families who are endangering their psychological welfare, they make the decision not to side with these cold narcissistic family members who share only their DNA and completely lack any empathy for them. Those who free themselves of narcissistic generational abuse work hard to re-stabilize themselves, to recognize that they deserve to lead a life that belongs to them and that they are not dictated by the pathological whims, obsessions and parasitic needs of their narcissistic family members. Many benefit from excellent psychotherapy. There are many healing pathways including the practice of gentle yoga with the emphasis on the breath that calms that nervous system, learning to focus on their own self care, to create an exercise program that is tailored to their needs, recognizing that they deserve to experience deep inner peace, to use their unique creative gifts, to form healthy close bonds with others who love them. You have made a very important commitment. Your identity has changed forever, moving from victim of narcissistic abuse to leading your life in independence and freedom. You are a great example to all of us.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.