Narcissistic spouses are unrelenting in their focus of destruction upon you if you are married to one of these exceedingly cruel individuals. I hear and read innumerable stories of the narcissistic spouse’s attempts to destroy the life of their spouse. I am talking about men and women who are their targets. Living with the constant flow of putrid, toxic projections by the narcissist is injurious to the victimized spouse. Day after day and as the years accumulate, the insults to the nervous system, the mind, the creative process, the hope about life itself become greater. Some spouses continue to believe that the narcissist is going to change. This is not the case—ever. Narcissistic personality is a fixed disorder that is not inclined to change. Do not wait for this to happen. You are not to blame. Pay attention to what your intuition is shouting at you–Get Out and Save Yourself So that You Can and Will Lead the Life that You Deserve.
Focus on your self healing. Take time each day to be with yourself–even for a few minutes. Listen to guided meditation, go into Nature, listen to the birds, feel the wind and sun, or the sleet and snow. Learn to to take deep slow breaths through the nose. Listen and allow great music to take you into another world where you can feel quiet and peace. Some benefit from excellent psychotherapy especially when they are making the decision to break from the narcissistic spouse. The therapist is your ally and will help you to appreciate who you are as a unique, valuable individual. Talk to a friend whom you trust and lay your burden there. Share your feelings and let yourself cry. Above all, listen to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth, always.
Know that you are a valuable, loving, talented human being who deserves a different life, the one you are creating.
Comment: From Cindy
I used to be such a strong person. I have been whittled into a piece of clay. I need out. 20 years and I need out! The lies, the drinking, the jealousy, the selfishness, arrogance. I look at him with such contempt. I am sad, angry. I feel like a fool. I feel like I am the crazy one. Am I overreacting? Thousands of thoughts. Hundreds of excuses. I need out.
Comment:
Hi Cindy,
It sounds like you’ve gone a long time w/blinders on, which is what gets us into these situations in the first place. It did for me, at least. But, as bad as it seems, it’s really good that you’re seeing some harsh realities now, possibly for the first time, and I know, it’s like watching a train wreck, with you in it! Don’t let yourself feel foolish though, you aren’t the one responsible for all those narcissistic traits you described. The hard part is trying to re-program yourself, because it’s deep seeded and automatic. If we aren’t watching out for it, it sneaks past us. Those blinders are hard to get rid of, and I don’t know if we can ever dispose of them completely, we just get better at being watchful, and that takes a lot of time, and a lot of work. I pray that you have the strength and fortitude to carry on, and reclaim your life. It ain’t over till it’s over. I believe that our host, Ms. Martinez – Lewi, has a good handle on all the particulars, and can offer some great advice and insights. Godspeed to you.
Within my 11 year marriage to my NPD wife I have gained 60lbs, am near destitue financially, suffer with high levels of stress, anxiety and depression, have had 10+ jobs and endured systematic verbal, physical and mental abuse.
Until this past year I had no knowledge of NPD and the tactics used on it’s victims. I am a “caregiver” by nature which is a match made in heaven for a person with NPD. I am constantly berated, critqued and disrepected because I am the problem.
I’ve fantasized about packing up and leaving so many times but have never actually done it. We have 3 kids together. I want to stay for them but I am now realizing that it’s doing more harm to them than good. I recently realized that my wife has created the same dysfunctional dynamic within our family that she grew up in.
By educating myself on NPD I realize now that she is incapable of change. She’s made veiled attempts at counseling but she always ends up coming home with suggestions of things “we” should do when “we” aren’t the problem. I know now that my kids need an alternative reality other than the one created in this dysfuntional environment. Over time I have lost my drive and enthusiasm for life due to the constant abuse. I know I can regain it but not within the same environment that is extinguishing it. My only recourse is to leave and rebuild myself up for the reward of a better life for me and my kids.
I wish it were that simple. I attempted to escape my mothers relentless lies and abuse that always have resulted in loss of self worth, friends, jobs worst of all after attempting for 8 years c.p.s. Apologizing for being at my door time after time. My mother and three lawyers stole my sons after I got custody back. She black mailed my boss which was my landlord and he illegally evicted me. I was on the streets for two years and she refuses to let my sons talk to me, shuts the door in my face and all this got worse after we appeared on the Dr. Phil show in April. She is the epitome of evil and she hits my sons, tells them they have nobody but her. Their life is hell and she wants to put me in prison or wants me dead.