From Budding Narcissist to Adult Narcissistic Scourge

Many of you have had the experience of watching a narcissist grow
from early childhood into adulthood. You heard the ear shattering
tantrums, saw the parents make no attempt to get their “golden child” to
behave. Their efforts were feeble because from the beginning he/she was
never corrected for inconsiderate and boorish behavior. This child was
considered special from the beginning–a little king or queen who was
raised to the highest pinnacles. I have been astounded and chagrined by
the outrageous behaviors of these chosen children. I have bitten my
tongue sore in social situations to not say: “Make that brat behave. He
is not the only one on  the face of the earth.” “You are growing a
monster who will come to hate you, exploit you and make the lives of
others intolerable.” But in social situations I have kept quiet in the
past. Now I refuse these invitations. I would be watching a parent
creating a mini monster who will grow into an abominable human being.
Adults especially  parents make excuses for their unempathic, selfish,
materialistic, cruel, sadistic children. And others in the family go
along with the charade. After all this child is so bright and
attractive, what could be wrong with him. He is excelling in school as
he charms everyone. What else can a parent want? You as a member of this
family are expected to believe this delusion and to adore the child as
much as his parents. Beneath the surface, the budding narcissist, day by
day is becoming more self obsessed, grabby about what he must have,
more grandiose that he is superior to everyone else and cannot make
mistakes. He lies impeccably to trick others and make fools of them. He
intimidates his brothers and sisters who live in sheer terror of his
footsteps. Mother and father are oblivious and reluctant to correct or
criticize the little prince. He has become a  reflection of their
perfection. They cannot be objective. The family image rides on the
their son’s perfect narcissistic facade. In the current societal climate
today,narcissists are ruling. They get away with their treacheries
because they exude confidence and are often very clever and forceful
personalities that no one will buck them.

If a member
of your family is a narcissist and you have known him/her since
childhood—-he is not going to change. Now as an adult he is a larger,
more ingrained, more vicious facsimile of his younger self. In fact many
narcissists become meaner with age, more duplicitous and malicious. Do
you need this person in your life? Is it worth all the  hurt feelings,
cruelties to be a part of this pathological drama. Ask yourself these
questions and trust your inner response. You don’t deserve this savage
treatment. Learn about the inner workings of the narcissistic
personality. This will help you in making discernments about the people
you want to include in your life.  Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers–All About Them All the Time

Being married to a narcissist, being the sister or brother of a
narcissist, having a narcissistic mother or father or being the member
of a total narcissistic family sucks the energy out of a person’s life.
No matter how you play it and under every circumstance–It is always
about them–their looks, their homes, their holidays, their parties,
their outward image, their financial successes, their victories over
enemies, their seductions, their cruelties to the weak and vulnerable—
I am reminded of the words from Ecclesiastes: ” Vanity of vanities,
saith the Preacher…all is vanity.” One can add the word ego here
to represent the overblown self absorption and exclusion of the
feelings and entire lives of others when we speak of the narcissist’s
true nature.

With narcissists in one’s family, little
children are aware that the focus of attention was always on someone
else, not them. They thought that was the way life went. There is a
powerful figure a narcissistic mother who rules. She is always right and
you are always wrong, stupid, slow, lazy, ugly, despicable,
unworthy—name any derogatory word and that’s what you were. Day and
night these words were etched inside of your consciousness. You even
drempt that mother was screaming them at you in your sleep. There was no
way of escaping her verbal lashings. Often you believed her. What else
could you do. You were a prisoner in her house of hell. 

Besides
the blatant abuse, the narcissistic mother is completely obsessed
with  her life- her career, her looks, her social influence, financial
security, the need to have anything she wanted. She put the attention on
herself compulsively. She expected her children to adore her and to
serve her. Some children of narcissistic mothers described themselves as
full time servants–cooking, cleaning, washing, fetching, ironing
clothes for mother so she could leave them for entire long nights by
themselves. Even children as young as two or three  years old have been
left alone to take care of themselves.

Some
narcissistic mothers would throw a bottle in the crib of her screaming
infant and slam the front door. Her only reservation and hope was that
no neighbor would hear the baby crying and find her out. She would
return late in the morning to find a child whimpering from sheer terror
or exhaustion or passed out from crying all night long. These things do
happen when children have narcissistic mothers. This is the epitome of
“It’s all about me.” These are crimes against children. I believe they
are unforgivable. I have heard too many life stories of these themes of
extreme maternal deprivation and abuse.

It is time to
recognize that maternal narcissistic abuse is occurring all of the time.
We need to shine a bright light on it. If you have been a victim and
have survived and are now living your own life in freedom, I applaud
your ability to save yourself and to prevail. We begin by learning
deeply about the nature of the narcissistic personality. Visit my
website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com





Don’t Let A Narcissist Make You Sick

You deserve to keep yourself healthy, to be free of excess stress, to
be able to relax, to think without interruption, to be treated with
respect. If you are living with a narcissist this is not happening. You
are in fight or flight mode day and night. You are constantly being
interrupted by his (her) demands, threats, belittlings, swipes at your
character, your looks, etc.

Your life is not your own
when you share it with a narcissist. They are as demanding as a two year
old having 24/7 tirades in a store, lying on the floor kicking and
screaming. I know of narcissists who have put on these public displays.
It is nauseating.

Take a good look at yourself. Appreciate who you
are. The narcissist is not going to change—ever. Couples therapy does
not work with these individuals because they are always right and you
are always wrong.

Learn to take care of yourself. This
may begin by thinking very carefully of severing your relationship
permanently with the narcissist.

Develop healing
practices–Eat balanced, healthy meals (slowly), exercise in the way
that is best for you, do gentle healing movements like yoga with
emphasis on the breath. Meditation for short periods of time can be very
helpful in stilling the mind and helping to calm your nervous system.

It
is time —past time—- to pay attention to your needs, inspirations,
creativity, new cycle of life that are coming your way. Learn to be kind
to yourself. Pay attention to the wisest voice of all: Your Intuition.

To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlifecom

Narcissists Never Stop Lying

There are outright lies told convincingly to your face. Spouses of
narcissists discover sometimes after decades that their husband has been
lying to them about all manner of things: finances, affairs,
illegitimate children, stealing assets, etc. during your entire
marriage. For the narcissist, lying is like breathing. Lies come out of
their mouths automatically. They are convenient. It makes the narcissist
feel in complete control. Narcissists don’t develop a conscience so it
is not pricked when they speak falsely. Then, there are their lies of
omission. They haven’t told you about investments they have made with
your joint assets. Some narcissists are secret gamblers. They win and
lose. They disappear and make excuses that the spouse believes. They are
known for their many affairs. They can hardly step out the door without
flirting with some attractive woman with the purpose of seducing her as
quickly as possible. Narcissists have so many excuses that they get
away with their lies, especially if they are married to a woman who
adores them and is willing to put up with them. 

If
you lead your life with the truth, don’t marry a narcissist. If you are a
person of integrity and seek the truth and are married to a narcissist,
you have a decision to make. You can stay in the relationship and
overlook your spouse’s horribly flawed character or you can make move
forward to sever the bond and get a divorce. This process can be
arduous  but it  can be done. There are many women (and men) who have
decided they will no longer share their lives with  a deceitful person
they cannot trust. There is no true bond here, no emotional intimacy, no
trust. And —You can’t change a narcissist. They believe they are
perfect, find lying to be natural and necessary and essential to worldly
success. If you are a person of integrity, you will find it very
difficult to remain in a relationship filled with betrayals and
perfidies. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit
my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Raising Compassionate Children–Non Narcissists

Today we live in a society surrounded by narcissists. Many of them
are highly successful in the world and they get what they want by
stepping over the needs and vulnerabilities of others. I have seen the
psychological and physical health of many undermined by the narcissists
in their lives–at home and at work. This is a disgrace. Those who sit
by and watch this happen and approve of it quietly are part of the
problem. There is a narcissistic style “It’s all about me.”  “Grab what
you can get.” “That person is a failure because he or she didn’t go to
the right schools.” “She is so unattractive. What’s the matter with
her.She needs to lose weight.” (This is an indication that this person
is defective because she doesn’t look perfect.) This is all part of a
current mind set that is present in much of our society today. Becoming
more powerful by hurting others has become absolutely acceptable in many
corporate circles. In fact it is accepted as the only way to function
is a ruthless world. The ruthless inherit the earth—I hope not. This
cold, cruel disgusting way of treating other people must be stopped by
those who see through the delusion of the narcissistic way of life.

This
begins with the way we raise our children. Manners and consideration
count. This begins early. Parents teach their small children that the
feelings of others matter, that those around us–family, friends and
those we meet must be treated with respect. I have had experiences and
I’m sure you have where an impudent child has blatantly made unkind
remarks to me to my face in front of his/her mother. The mother made no
correction. She didn’t even flinch. In this case the child pointed out
some flaw on my face—Was it a pimple, a line, a lack of symmetry. I
don’t remember. But I was outraged by this total lack of respect and
manners on the part of this child who was no longer a baby. This is the
mother’s fault. She believes that her children are perfect. She is the
narcissist, raising children who will carry the imprint of her serious
character disorder.

First, we are parents who are aware
of others—not just ourselves. Awareness is the key as is compassion.
Little children are capable of empathy. We need to tap in to this
ability in our children when they are very young. Our children watch us
and learn from example but we are required to do more. When they step
out of line and are inconsiderate and unkind, this must be pointed out
in a reasonable and civil way so that our children learn to always
consider the needs of others. As they teaching moments accrue,
understand and caring deeply about the feelings of others is
internalized in our children. This is a great gift to them that they
will carry all of their lives. They will bring this warmth of heart and
empathy to everyone who crosses their path.  To learn about the
narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Have You Had Enough Abuse From Your Narcissistic Mother

“How much more can I take?” You ask this question over and over again as you have for decades since you were a small child. Then you were so terrified you couldn’t think. Even in school you were preoccupied with new frightening ways mom would find to punish you for something you hadn’t done.She would make up your crimes and create your punishments.The days and nights were horrific. Many children of narcissistic mothers tell life stories of being like servants in their own homes. From the age of four or five they were forced to clean, sweep, even cook to the screaming fits of their narcissistic mother. As an adult you still hear those ear splitting commands and the hand that comes so close to making you nose bloody. Sometimes it did and you wondered if there were any teeth missing. You remember how revolting your mother’s face looked as she got closer to you. You shook with fear,sometimes wetting yourself.

Now as an adult you are still taking horrendous abuse in different forms from this she-devil excuse for a mother. What will it take to set yourself free. Do you care that your brothers and sisters defend her constantly.Do you care about getting access to her home and assets after she dies. Or do you want the life you never had.  You are entitled to that and much more. First, learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality and read some of my blogs about the narcissistic mother

 

Affairs With Narcissistic Men

Being seduced by a narcissistic man is not that uncommon. There are many life stories with unhappy endings that start with a major flirtation. The high level grandiose narcissistic man is irresistible. He gazes at you, won’t take his eyes off of you. And that’s only the beginning. There is a  strong dynamic–a vibration that surrounds a powerful handsome male narcissist. It is very difficult for most women to say “no” to them. Some women fall so fast and hard that they are willing to risk their marriages and their children to be with this man.

At the start it is pure magic–a living fantasy that we don’t want to disappear into a chimera.  The narcissist becomes obsessed with seeing you and you keep saying yes. He promises you everything–including marriage and you keep saying yes. Then the time comes when he is contacting you less often, unresponsive to your texts. He says he is traveling and has a very heavy work load. You miss him but don’t get it. He is finished with you; he has had his fun. Most likely he has found someone else for his favorite recreation—seducing women.

To protect yourself from these most tempting of men, do a lot of research on the narcissistic personality disorder. Study their character —They have no empathy; they are deceptive, they are chronic liars; they exploit everyone; they are highly critical and self entitled. They are incapable of any emotional attachment of any kind. You will be grateful that you have done this work and discovered the true nature of the narcissist.