Narcissists Alive and Very Well Among Spiritual Healers

Posted on April 20, 2013 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

The Unsuspected—A goldmine of pathological narcissism is among those you would never imagine share this disorder—”Spiritual Healers” —those received as royalty and great holy masters through their million dollar book sales, endless rotating seminars that encompass the globe, their cds, dvds, audios, internet classes and trainings they offer. Their schedules are so full it is remarkable that they are able to move through each crowded day. But remember this is a narcissistic personality who never tires from being on center stage, viewed as superior even semi-divine, a super mentor, a saint in human form.

There are individuals of high consciousness who truly help people to heal: physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually. These people have their egos dropped, are not after a money motive. They charge fees that are fair. Some of them are very successful and do produce books and seminars and dvds that sell very well. I am not talking about these individuals. I am speaking about pathological narcissistic personality.

Today many people are looking for a quick mystical fix. They want an instant miracle, a tectonic shift in their lives–right now. The pseudo narcissistic healer cunningly offers that tantalizing potion through his charisma, charm, clever magic words in a well rehearsed presentation. After someone is hooked by him or her, the seduction is complete. It’s like opening up your heart and giving it away, opening up your wallet and bank account and saying: “Take what you want.”, breaching your mind and psyche and saying, “I believe you; I will follow you.” The pseudo spiritual healer practices a form of brain washing that is very effective with a substantial segment of human beings.

Narcissistic spiritual healers ensnare the most vulnerable–those who are fresh from a personal tragedy or loss, the very lonely who have been abandoned by family or spouses, those with intolerable feelings of anxiety, those who feel depressed and depleted by the burden of their lives, the dependent ones who are always looking for someone to cling to because they cannot tolerate another moment of their raw unrelenting pain of psychological emptiness.

Learn how to identify these pseudo spiritual con artists. Listen to their sweet talk pitch, the eyes that appear to melt with your sorrow, the nonverbal cues that reach out to console, the vacant promise that you will be completely healed and your life will be resurrected (if you sign up for thousands of dollars of course sessions). Watch how much money you are being asked to invest in this “spiritual” project. Is it multi-level? Will there be other courses required? How much are you being cleverly pressured? Listen to the voice of your intuition first in a whisper, then like a mighty wind that cries: “Don’t do it!’ “Don’t sign up!” “These people are parasites exploiting you.” “Back away.” “Say “No” now.”

Identifying the narcissistic spiritual healer before you take the bait is highly empowering. If you have fallen for these tricks and ruses in the past, don’t blame yourself. Now you are wise to the game. You are in charge, walking your own path, listening to the wisdom that flows through you.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Posted on October 31, 2012 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

Many spouses wait years , even decades on a wild, treacherous ride
with their narcissistic partner. As time passes they become more
miserable, weary and wary about their marital partner. There are many
rounds of couples therapy which do no good. In some cases the therapist
sides with the narcissistic spouse and convinces you that you have the
serious psychological problems that are causing problems with the
marriage. Narcissists are so clever and such fine actors that they fool
therapists with their charm and magnetism. After you have tried
everything possible and are at a turning point, you make the decision to
divorce your spouse.

I suggest you don’t announce your decision until you are fully prepared for every aspect of this event.
In some cases that are particularly acrimonious the spouse has her/his
attorney get in touch with the other side. Choosing the right attorney
is of utmost importance. It is wise to interview several lawyers who
specialize in divorce and family law. Get good referrals from your close
friends but remember that everyone is an individual. It is your
decision alone. In addition to the professional skills, knowledge and
expertise of the lawyer, consider his or her personality. This
individual must have a keen sense of the nature of the narcissistic
personality. You want a lawyer who is calm, competent and your loyal
advocate at all times. The attorney needs to be quick at perceiving some
new ruse the narcissist and his attorney have hatched to sabotage you.
One plan is to wear you down so far emotionally and physically that you
are not up for the challenge. Make sure you take very good care of
yourself especially during this time. Get your sleep, take time to be
quiet and calm each day through meditation, gentle yoga, exercise,
journaling—what works best for you. This is your time. Take full
advantage of it. Keep focused on your personal, creative and
professional strengths. Know that you will prevail.Turn to a few friends
whom you trust completely and allow yourself to be nurtured by them.
Some spouses that brief psychotherapy during this time is highly
supportive and informative. When you form a strong therapeutic alliance
with an excellent therapist it can make a great difference in moving
through this process. Interview several therapists if that is necessary.

Take the upper road but be keenly aware that the narcissist is a street
fighter who hits below the belt and can get down and dirty. You already
know this from being married to him/her. Don’t be surprised at the
outrageous lengths he will go to intimidate you or trap you or use a
well hatched trick to take the financial assets that are lawfully yours.
Protect your children by being tough and don’t lose your cool. The
narcissist want you off balance and out of control so he can show how
disturbed you are. He/she will lie about you. Know that the people who
are truly your friends know exactly who you are and the others who
believe him must be dismissed.

Give yourself credit.
You are about to become free after years of psychological imprisonment.
Call upon the warrior inside of you, the one who knows exactly who this
person is and also knows that you will prevail.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You Deserve to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse

Posted on October 26, 2012 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

The beginning of healing is recognizing that you are worthy and that
you have unique value as an individual. This can be difficult for those
who not only married narcissists but grew up with a narcissistic mother
or father. From the beginning of life you were treated like an object or
less. No one gave you the special attention you needed, even as a small
child. Your basic physical needs may have been taken care of (or not)
but there was no emotional contact or understanding with the
narcissistic parent. This person was so preoccupied to himself/herself
that you were invisible to them. In other cases you were the punching
bag. The narcissistic parent was constantly enraged and you were
conveniently there to receive the blows–the humiliations, criticisms,
threats, intimidations. You can still remember the primal sounds of your
narcissistic mother’s screams; the way she looked at you with pure
hatred. You felt yourself grow cold. Your intestines roiled inside. You
thought you were going to die on the spot. Some children become
emotionally frozen and feel numb. They learn to go into this state to
protect themselves. Some narcissists parents have special sadistic
punishments–putting you in a locked closet most of the day. There you
sat and cried, unable to breathe, not knowing when you would be
released. You felt terror roar throughout your body and mind. Finally
you whimpered yourself to sleep. Some narcissistic parents treat their
children like servants. Small children must clean the house, wash the
clothing and wait on the narcissistic mother or father. There is no
mercy behind the walls of this house. Those on the outside never know
that this malevolent treatment is taking place.

You
can and will heal from your narcissistic mother, father, spouse,
sibling. One of the most significant roles here is in putting your
healing first–make it a priority. You have been living in the fight or
flight mode most of your life. It is essential that you begin to have
experiences within your self that feel safe and calm. Each person finds
his own pathway to healing. We take from different disciplines and
practices. One that helps many people is the use of the breath to calm
the body/mind. This can work through the practice of gentle hatha yoga
poses with emphasis on the breath moving in and out of the nostrils.
When we do a pose we are gentle with ourselves. There is no need to
strain or push. There is nothing to attain. Be present with yourself and
pay attention to your breath. If you are unfamiliar with yoga it might
be helpful to find a class with a teacher who is skilled but also highly
empathic and calm. True yoga is uncompetitive. It is a practice that
has developed over thousands of years and is very effective for many in
achieving greater calmness within the body and mind. Another method of
treatment is acupuncture. This is not for everyone. Some people are
afraid of needles (although they are very thin). Finding the right
practitioner is very important. This is someone who is highly skilled
and experienced and whose ego is dropped. Besides this, you want to see
an acupuncturist who does not have a money motive but a healing motive
in treating patients. Acupuncture treatments lead the patient to
experience the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is
very calm and feels safe and protected. We rest in a deep security as we
let go and ground with the experience.

Writing regularly for
yourself alone is another form of healing from the narcissist. It frees
up your mind and emotions. You are expressing feelings as you release
them. There are no judgments to make as you write. It flows from you.
Spending time with Nature is also very healing. We see the intricacies
and beauty of the natural world and are amazed by them. Some people have
small gardens and find that focusing in the present on their plants and
flowers is part of their healing process. Meditation for some of those
who are recovering can be a source of comfort, quieting the mind and
focus. Do not be judgmental when you meditate. Meditation is not the
absence of thought. It is the effort that matters the most, not the time
you put in. One minute of meditation or prayer is invaluable. Some form
of exercise releases body tensions and calms obsessive thinking. Choose
what works for you. Find your own ways of healing. Trust yourself. You
know so much about how to find you way back. The body/mind is always
moving naturally toward healing. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Ex-Spouses Psychologically Poison Their Children

Posted on October 21, 2012 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

Remember that narcissists are without conscience or shame. They will
never apologize for some horrible trauma they have caused you or your
children. In fact, they blame every calamity on you. They twist the
truth like a warm pretzel. Some spouses believe their lives are great because they
have been brainwashed over the years. Others are
immersed in the lifestyle that he/she provides for them. There are too
many trips, parties, lovely possessions, gifts and all the other
distractions that keep them deluded by the fantasies of having what they
want. They are like children in a candy store with unlimited amounts of
money to buy every treat they can reach.

When the
marriage disintegrates and the nasty divorce dance is over, there are custody arrangements. These always cause problems. With half and half custody the narcissistic ex-spouse
spends enough time with his/her children to psychologically poison them
against the other parent. They tell outright lies to the point of
describing an affair that the other spouse had. None of this is true.
The children find this information very alarming. What makes this even
worse is the narcissistic ex-spouse swears the children to secrecy.
Don’t say a word; this is between you and me. Narcissists thrive on
secrets. It makes them feel powerful. They control others with this
mendacity. It pits one person against the other and weakens them. They
are sadistic and love to watch others twist in the wind and lose their
psychological footing.

Maintaining a loving, open,
close relationship with your children is key to offsetting the
psychological poison of the narcissistic ex-spouse. When the
relationship is solid and loving, your children will tell you exactly
what is going on when you are not in their presence. We only need one
good loving parent or a parent surrogate.

Use your intuition and you will know what your ex-spouse is cooking up. You can smell the aromas of his deceptive stew of lies. You have the drop on him. You know the truth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Do Not Bother with Suffering of Others

Posted on October 21, 2012 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

Narcissists are obsessed with their own lives. If you fit into their
their picture as part of an adoring audience that keeps their ego
inflated, that works very well for them. There are followers who don’t
have an identity of their own and feel and believe (especially with high
level narcissists) that they can participate in the glory, adulation
and power of this other person. They psychologically fuse with the
narcissist so completely that they are always finding ways to emulate
him, to make him pleased, to serve him, to seek his approval, to be part
of his elite inner circle. There are many sacrifices that the devotee
make to achieve this purpose. The first being that you give up your own
life to him (her). When you get older, are less attractive, have jowls
beginning to show, there is an excellent chance that you will be dropped
from his presence. Will he care that you have been run out of paradise.
Will it disturb him (her) that you are having a financial or medical
crisis and need his assistance. Absolutely not! Even if you have known
him for decades.

Narcissists are bored by the
suffering, difficulties, illnesses and tragedies of others. They give
you a quick clipped message and that is the end of it. Your problems are
a bother to the narcissist if you ask him for help. After all, the
focus is his life not yours. Some narcissistic fathers and mothers are
aggravated when their children become ill. They might tell this child
that he or she is lying or exaggerating. The narcissist blames the child
for becoming ill and tells the little one he or she is a weakling.

When
you know a narcissist whether as part of your family or as a friend or
acquaintance, have you noticed their complete disinterest in what you
are experiencing in your life, especially if it is heartbreaking or
tragic or a difficult protracted problem. Narcissists cannot process the
suffering of others, even their spouses and children. The are
completely insensitive to what you are feeling. They don’t and won’t
understand your experiencing and are bored by it. They either play it
all down or ignore you completely. Never think you can count on a
narcissistic spouse or parent to come and stand by you when you are in
emotional, psychological or physical pain. This state of yours is
non-existent to them or it is an inconvenience or interruption in their
plans. I have heard life stories of spouses who were very ill and had to
call upon others to take them to the emergency room because the
narcissistic spouse was too busy or away on a trip and incommunicado.

If
a person cannot stop and acknowledge that you are having a very
difficult or impossible time with an illness, psychological problem,
financial or family crisis, then he or she is not completely human. This
individual is not worthy of your respect. Narcissists don’t change so
don’t wait for the magical transformation. It is not going to happen.

You
can change by recognizing your worth, your meaning and your creative
gifts. Rediscover yourself by severing psychologically toxic
relationships with narcissists. To learn about the narcissistic
personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses Seek Revenge Taking A Pound of Your Flesh

Posted on October 19, 2012 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

Narcissists are always on the take. They are aggressive, unempathic, merciless and driven to get exactly what they want. If you have been married to one for years or decades, you must know that they don’t care about your feelings. They are using you for their own purposes. Everyone in their lives is expendable. They can and will replace you. Narcissistic spouses wear you down to the nub. If you are emotionally and psychologically vulnerable, you are at particular risk.

If you want to stay in the narcissist’s favor, you must mirror them perfectly. Regardless of how perfect you are and how well you follow their orders, it is never enough. If you cross them and become more independent, they seek revenge. Since they don’t have a conscience to slow them down, they go right for the jugular. They take their pound of your flesh. They kick you when you are down and take control of mutual financial assets. They know how to whisk them away in secret, leaving you vulnerable and at their mercy.

If you wait too long to divorce them and they have the upper hand, the narcissist holds the best cards. He slaps you when you are down. I know of situations of narcissistic husbands refusing to help a spouse who was physically ill. She had to drive herself to the hospital.

Narcissistic husbands and narcissistic wives out of revenge will work the mediators and courts to get custody of your children. They hire attorneys who are slick, hungry beasts.

Arm yourself with research about the true nature of the narcissist. Recognize that this person cannot change. This is a fixed personality disorder. Don’t be pulled back into the pseudo marriage by his empty promises and pitiful martyr performances. Be prepared for his tawdry act but know that he will seek revenge, get it and never look back. The narcissist is hard and cold, like a piece of stone.

Make your move to sever the relationship soon rather than later. You have courage and talents and your life ahead of you. Many before you have made this break and discovered that at the end of the tunnel there is freedom, inner peace and an expansion of your creative gifts. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sadistic Narcissistic Mothers Aim Knives at Your Heart

Posted on October 17, 2012 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

Some narcissistic mothers hated you before you were born. They didn’t
want children. They were obsessed with their careers and climbing to
the very top. (Every woman who climbs to the top in her career is not a
narcissist.) This often includes finding a man that will be a
reflection of their perfection. Narcissistic women often choose weak men
whom they can completely control.

Narcissistic women
have no substance, conscience, compassion or empathy. They are highly
ambitious, very bright, exceedingly driven and determined to reach the
pinnacles of power. Narcissistic women have children not because they
are capable of love but to use as narcissistic supplies that will
burnish their external image. They can say they have it all and can do
it all. Their children are often taken care by babysitters and nannies
from the beginning of their lives. Their children are narcissistic
supplies, especially the kid that is chosen as the golden child. This
child is claimed perfect from the beginning and often becomes a budding
narcissist.

The worst narcissistic mothers are highly
sadistic. They obtain pleasure from terrifying you. When you are a baby
they startle you with their loud voice or allow the other children to
pinch you and pretend that this is a funny game. Narcissists
unconsciously despise themselves. They project their self hatred on to
their children, especially those she has placed in the role of
scapegoat.

Some of the children of narcissistic
mothers describe their childhoods as unbearable. They were constantly
hanging on by an emotional thread waiting the moment of annihilation.
Narcissistic mothers aim knives at your heart. They attempt to
de-humanize you, to take away your integrity, to humiliate you. This
works with some children who simply give up the fight and hide in the
shadows and escape deep into their minds. Some children numb out and
freeze their feelings. The very sensitive child feels his/her sadistic
narcissistic mother’s knife pointed at her heart. She is a child caught
up in combat who feels her life psychologically endangered. The sadistic
mother thrills at watching her child in primal terror. Now she has
complete control over this person.

Keep your heart
open, secure and free. As the adult child of a narcissistic mother you
can heal. The process can take a long time. It requires consistent work
and some adult children find healing through professional psychotherapy.
Other strategies involve gentle hatha yoga, meditation in the form that
works for you, finding emotional support from friends whom you trust.
You can prevail and heal your psychological and emotional wounds and
strengthen yourself. To learn about every facet of narcissistic
personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sadistic Narcissistic Mothers Aim Knives at Your Heart

Posted on October 17, 2012 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Siblings Are Small Tyrants that Get Bigger and Crueler

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

Narcissistic siblings do not change. As little children they already
have become self entitled to the hilt. I remember visiting one of these
dysfunctional families. It was startling. Soon after I arrived the
parents’ three year old was hitting her little brother mercilessly and
landing punches. The parents said nothing to her. They finally “woke up”
for a moment and in a frail voice the mother said: “Dear, that’s not
very nice.” That’s it.

I remember that the tiny she- devil
demanded ice cream on the spot. She was a broken record. I was not able
to converse with the parents because her voice rose when she didn’t get
what she wanted. She threw herself all over the furniture and finally
started a frenzied dance on the coffee table. Mother ran to the kitchen
and quickly appeared with a heaping bowl of ice cream. But that was not
enough. She had to have some cherries on top. Mother ran back and got
them. I was dumbfounded and almost screamed myself. I shortened my visit
since it was impossible to communicate with these parents of a budding
narcissist.

I got reports from other relatives and
friends of the family that Angelica had gotten worse. Her brother was
the constant target of physical and emotional abuse. The parents still
did not intervene. It was as if they were afraid of the tyrant in their
midst. Her demands and cruelties continued and became more serious. The
little brother often hid in his room to avoid Angelica the Hun.
Surprising that she didn’t have a collection of ancient swords in her
bedroom. I never returned to this house nor did I renew my acquaintance
with this family. Many years later I was invited to daughter’s wedding.
Angelica was Bridezilla on steroids. Her maids of honor were criticized
and psychologically beaten down and told exactly what they could do and
not do. They were intimidated by the bride.This full grown narcissist
was now running the entire family. Her brother was still traumatized
from the years of abuse by her and obliviousness by the parents. He fortunately moved away, married and had very little contact with the eternal Bridezilla.

If
you have a narcissistic sibling, these life stories are no mystery to
you. The question is: How much more are you going to take? Narcissists
don’t change. They grow older and crueler. Learn to give priority to
your own life, to your talents, your dreams, your personal
relationships, your creativity. Research the true nature of the
narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Men Despise Independent Women

Posted on October 15, 2012 by Linda Martinez Lewi Ph D

Narcissists control others with the back of their hand. They have
learned this from childhood. Male narcissists were often controlled by
their mothers. Momma, mom, mother—adored them to use as her puppet and
her psychological partner. She chose her son over her husband. Some
adult male narcissists report that mother comes to visit the family and
in secret tells her son that she wants to go to dinner with him for a
“date.” The narcissistic male is often psychologically possessed by his
mother. Unconsciously he grows to hate her. There is always an
ambivalence with mother, a love/hate relationship. The male child
cannot be free and is emasculated.

Ironically,
narcissistic men love the chase and the seduction of women. If they are
married they often have numerous affairs, even hidden children in the
shadows. With each conquest they move on to the next. They never tire;
they are hungry for more females they can conquer. If they are powerful
in the world and good looking and completely charming, they succeed on a
superficial level. They are voracious in their need to seduce.

Narcissistic
men despise women who are independently minded—those they cannot fool
and know instantly who they really are. Some women are so astute that
after a few flirtatious rounds they have picked up the scent of the
narcissist and turn their heads away. The narcissist cannot have them,
cannot bargain with them, cannot possess them. They are contained and
control their own lives—they are psychologically independent women.
Narcissistic men hate what they cannot own and control and abuse. The
narcissistic man is never free of the mother who controls him even after
her death. She has put her imprint on his soul and it is indelible.

Narcissistic
men despise all women and independent ones in particular. If you are in
this category, celebrate. If you have been fooled by a narcissistic man
(and that includes a lot of us) but now know who they really are, give
yourself a hand. If you are just finding out that the man you are with
is a narcissist, keep doing your research. It is worth the effort. There
is a celebration ahead for you. Never stop digging for the truth.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The Narcissist In Your Life

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Clinical Expert on the Narcissistic Personality

Category Archives: personality disorders

Narcissists Alive and Very Well Among Spiritual Healers

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

You Deserve to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Ex-Spouses Psychologically Poison Their Children

Narcissists Do Not Bother with Suffering of Others

Narcissistic Spouses Seek Revenge Taking A Pound of Your Flesh

Sadistic Narcissistic Mothers Aim Knives at Your Heart

Sadistic Narcissistic Mothers Aim Knives at Your Heart

Narcissistic Siblings Are Small Tyrants that Get Bigger and Crueler

Narcissistic Men Despise Independent Women