Category Archives: narcissistic wife

Narcissists–Perfect Weddings–Disastrous Marriages

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Everything about the narcissist is image. For him or her image is reality, a reality based on grandiose delusions and visions of perfection. Observing the wedding plans and how they are impeccably created and executed can tell the tale to follow. It is understandable that couples want their wedding day to be very special and memorable. Here I am talking over the top perfectionism. Nothing is more important than the actual event where the narcissist plays the starring role, standing at the center of his universe, the emperor of his domain.

After the soft focus glow of the honeymoon the gorgeous masks of the narcissistic groom or bride slip and we begin to feel and see who this person we married truly is. There are pricks of criticisms that become more frequent and wounding. The other spouse waves them off, thinking: “Oh, he’s just having a tough time today–no point in making a case out of this” or “I am overreacting to him/her because I know how sensitive I am. He has told me so many times.” or “He is making a big adjustment to our being a married couple now. Give him a break.” These thoughts run through the head of the non-narcissistic spouse–always making excuses for the narcissistic spouse even when his vituperative comments are tearing you apart day after day. Next, the always sharp fangs appear when the narcissist lets go with full throated screaming fits that last long enough to cause your nervous system to go into fight or flight mode. Your adrenaline is pumping so fast that you are shivering, have a thundering headache, roiling intestines, feelings of doom.

Eventually the non-narcissistic spouse is worn down, beaten up emotionally, exhausted, spent and constantly on edge. The narcissist’s tricks and ruses become more frequent; the lies overflow and cannot be counted; the betrayals are ongoing; his hatred of you has congealed; his pathological projections are legion. Each  attack has your name on it.

Finally, you are fed up. You do the research, go to therapy, check your intuitions that have been pounding at you for months and years and Yes—You are married to a narcissistic personality, a person without empathy, emotional intimacy, truth, conscience, a scintilla of compassion for another human being. You make your move to sever the non-relationship from this highly pathological individual. You will rescue yourself from this disastrous marriage. As you make the effort and do the hard work, the original self in you is celebrating—Freedom!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Spouses Activate Our Self Destructive Patterns

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It is dreadful enough being married to a person who is constantly criticizing you, emotionally bludgeoning you,humiliating you in private and public, lying about his secret forays and generally causing unbearable stress and chaos in your life. What makes it worse is the way that this sadistic cruel pattern of treatment activates your old self destructive patterns of thinking, feeling and behavior. If you feel “less than” deep inside his/her attacks and onslaughts cut to the quick and you are back into your four year old skin, listening to mother screaming at the top of her lungs: “You are worthless.” Why did I have you?” “You are stubborn and stupid and will never learn.” And on and on. You feel these old etched words and her horrible looks viscerally as if it is happening right now. You become a frightened little child all over again. You were never enough—not pretty, bright, energetic, social, –That’s what you are hearing as an adult decades later when your narcissistic spouse starts one of his chronic verbal attacks. It reinforces the misbeliefs you have about yourself.

When you can finally recognize who the narcissist is, identify him without a doubt and separate who you are from him/her, you have begun the process of healing. Now you can work with your core psychological issues. Until you make that distinction, you are left trapped in his/her toxic projections.

First, recognize that you are entitled to lead your life as an evolving human being, using all of your gifts, enjoying your own company and that of others, being independent and strong within yourself, feeling the healing grace of solitude, the excitement of learning something new and appreciating life in the moment.

You are up to this challenge. You will do the hard work of healing yourself. Some turn to psychotherapy but it must be highly skilled and the therapist must be truly empathic. Others find healing modalities like gentle yoga, tai chi, forms of meditation that work for you, finding a trusting support system and using creative gifts that are now open to you. You can win your real self back. This lovely person has been waiting to give you a hug and many blessings for a long time.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Learning to Trust After the Narcissist

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Erik Erikson, the great psychoanalyst, introduced what he called the Eight Ages of Man. The beginning phase he named Trust versus Mistrust. This stage takes place during the first year of life. How the child perceives himself inside as either secure and trusting of himself and his environment depends greatly on the maternal relationship. The mother communicates to her child through her attachment to him, her own trustworthiness and steadiness. As the result the baby internalizes these feelings of safety, security and of  being cherished deep inside himself. This internalization “forms the basis in the child for a sense of identity.”

So many children as a result of poor or non-mothering develop a sense of mistrust from the beginning. The mothering figure was unreliable, emotionally unsteady, psychologically cold and distant, incapable of  being affectionate and emotionally intimate with her baby and young child. This is a description of the narcissistic mother. Quite often those who have been through the ordeals of growing up with a narcissistic mother are attracted to men and women who are narcissists. They are returning to a  pattern of psychological abuse, deprivation, unsteadiness, fight or flight mode, becoming again the recipient of cruel projections that are injurious to mind, psyche and body. This is what is familiar to the child who grew up with a narcissistic parent or within a narcissistic family.

The individual who survived under the ordeals of childhood with a narcissistic parent often repeats this self destructive pattern by marrying a narcissistic personality. What was left unknown and buried inside of us as children is often repeated as adults. Being married to a narcissist is a daily waking nightmare. You try to change this person and hope that his/her outrageous demands, demeaning criticisms and humiliations will come to an end but they don’t and will not. You are wearing yourself out trying to be perfect in response to this individual’s deep pathology. You are sacrificing yourself and your life to the narcissistic spouse. You ask yourself? Is it worth it? What is happening to my life, my state of mind, my emotional and physical health, my creative potential, my sense of security? The answer is that you have become the human object upon which all of the vituperative unconscious thoughts, feelings and impulses of the narcissistic spouse are constantly being projected on to you. This is unhealthy for you in every way. Some spouses awaken to this crisis they are in and take action by severing their relationship with this person who has taken over their lives, thoughts, emotions, feelings of hope, dreams, etc.

If you decide that you must end your suffering by breaking this “relationship” you will change your life. This is not easy but it can be done. Your steadfastness and courage will lead the way. Your strong sense of entitlement to lead your own life will prevail. In the process of healing after the narcissist many individuals return to work out their trust issues. Some benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing paths such as gentle hatha yoga as well as forming relationships with those whom you know are understanding and supportive of your healing process. You will learn to trust people who are worthy of it. You will become skilled at recognizing the narcissistic personality and never choose him or her as a partner. You will work to become calmer inside, to appreciate the unique person you are and to use your many gifts.  You will become secure within yourself and appreciate who you were always meant to be.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Harming Yourself–Sever Pathological Cord to Narcissistic Spouse

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When you remain married to a narcissistic personality and you have spent years psychologically dancing on hot coals for him or her, you are injuring yourself. It is not only highly unpleasant–which is a gross understatement–it is chronic misery and even torture to continue to share your life with this highly dysfunctional person who will not change. Don’t let him convince you in a moment of vulnerability that the life that you share with him/her is ever going to be any different. As the years roll by, it gets tougher because you are  becoming more exhausted from the cycle of abuse, distress to your psyche, a body and mind continually in fight or flight mode. Some spouses expect to be treated this way because they never had a different life experience starting in childhood. Being treated with disdain, cruelty and deception was part of everyday reality in their family. Life at home was unpredictable, could not be counted on to be steady and warm, was filled with wrenching criticisms and created deep personal feelings of psychological unsteadiness and free floating anxiety.

After leaving the family home and being relieved that the physical tie had loosened it didn’t take long for many of us to find ourselves hopelessly attracted to an individual who at first was so mesmerizing that we were reeling with excitement and runaway desire. If there is a strong sexual chemistry, the pull can be insurmountable. This is especially the case if the man or woman who will become the victim of a narcissist once again has not been able to work through narcissistic family issues and to recognize that they were abused throughout childhood and the years growing up.

We are drawn to what is familiar to us if we remain unconscious of the forces that lie below the surface of our life experience. We all have a tendency to repeat what is familiar even if it is disastrous to us. Marrying and re-marrying narcissistic spouses is a common thread that runs through the lives of many people.

For many, a series of moments accrue into an awakening—”What the hell am I doing to myself/” This man/woman doesn’t give a damn about me.” “He lives only for himself, lies continuously, exploits me, psychologically weakens me, baits me so that I can’t think straight, makes innumerable broken promises that I have believed in the past.” Finally this person awakens and realizes that the nightmare ride with the narcissist will have to stop—Now! No more of this hellish existence you say to yourself. Many victims of narcissists realize that they must stop harming themselves by severing the relationship with this person who is sucking the life out of them every moment they continue their involvement.

They gather their courage, make a firm commitment and specific plans to leave, make arrangements for a divorce, find an attorney who is up for the battle and be prepared to make the life changing transition from victim to victory of the self. This is not easy work but your emotional, psychological freedom and your physical health are worth all the effort. You will persevere and prevail. Reach out to people whom you trust and are with you for the full race and victory at the finish line and the beginning of your new life. You now know that you are entitled to the full use all of your gifts, to have access to your own thoughts and feelings without intrusion and to learn for the first time how to let down, to be at ease within your own being–body, mind and spirit.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Being Victim of Narcissistic Generational Abuse Stops with Me

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I hear from many men and woman who have endured and survived horrendous narcissistic abuse from their Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Siblings, Narcissistic Spouses. A number of them report narcissistic cruelties, betrayals, abandonment, scapegoating, bullying that was pathologically repeated from one family generation to the next. They speak of mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. who perpetrated every manner of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. These victims can remember how they were treated as if it was yesterday. They speak about several generations of relatives who coldly participated in a variety of cruelties including psychological and physical abandonment, maternal deprivation, the imposition of sadistic punishments, making terrified servants out of their children, the engagement of horrific punishments that caused constant terror within the household. They described that they were servants in their own homes, bowing to the whims, needs and wishes of tyrannical narcissistic family members.

Those who rise up and say No More to narcissistic abuse are courageous individuals. Despite being surrounded by members of their own families who are endangering their psychological welfare, they make the decision not to side with these cold narcissistic family members who share only their DNA and completely lack any empathy for them. Those who free themselves of narcissistic generational abuse work hard to re-stabilize themselves, to recognize that they deserve to lead a life that belongs to them and that they are not dictated by the pathological whims, obsessions and parasitic needs of their narcissistic family members. Many benefit from excellent psychotherapy. There are many healing pathways including the practice of gentle yoga with the emphasis on the breath that calms that nervous system, learning to focus on their own self care, to create an exercise program that is tailored to their needs, recognizing that they deserve to experience deep inner peace, to use their unique creative gifts, to form healthy close bonds with others who love them. You have made a very important commitment. Your identity has changed forever, moving from victim of narcissistic abuse to leading your life in independence and freedom. You are a great example to all of us.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Spouses Busy Shattering Your Self Confidence-Demeaning You-Leading a Double Life

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Narcissists are exceedingly ruthless human beings. They move through life racing  toward their goals:complete control over others, the assertion of their perfection, psychologically destroying all of those including spouses, children, siblings who get in their way, creating narcissistic tintypes of their children, having multiple series of affairs, secretively putting joint monetary assets in their names and creating financial entities that protect their illegal deeds. When they are behind closed doors and no one from the outside can hear them, they dress you down like a naughty child. You are humiliated and demeaned constantly. Whatever you do for them is never enough and you are always accused of making mistakes even if you performance is perfect. God help you if you are a business partner with your narcissistic spouse. This is nightmarish since the narcissist spend his days lambasting you for everything that goes wrong–even the tiniest mistake. Often these errors are his fault. He adroitly shifts the blame on to you, screams ugly epithets in your face. Your reaction inside is intolerable psychological and emotional pain. In front of your eyes you are experiencing a monster, a man or woman who has morphed into the consummate charmer in public to an absolute fiend in private. Eventually the narcissistic spouse wears down your confidence in yourself. You feel emotionally depleted, deflated, spent. That is the deleterious effect of these toxic spouses. They don’t give a damn; they don’t have a conscience. If you don’t perform for them exactly as they wish, they will eventually dispose of you. They already have someone in mind with whom they will replace you (probably several).

Never underestimate the cold maliciousness of the narcissistic personality. Within him or her are the remnants of gruesome characters of the great atavistic themed novel “Lord of the Flies”.  This Darwinian tale is an archetype of the most primitive core of mankind. Within the narcissist we feel and experience this “lets rip everyone to shreds” attitude. Much of our current society today shares these “values.” They may do it quietly with elegant manners but the effect is the same. They have gutted out your life and left you with nothing.

Learn as much as you can about the venal nature of the narcissistic personality. Once you have seen the horror and darkness of their core structure you will muster the courage to break away and escape from your imprisonment.  Remember who you were before you encountered the big N. If you have people around you that you can trust, form a support group even if it is one other person. The knowledge that you have about the true nature of the narcissistic personality is powerful. Now you know that you are not to blame, that you deserve respect not psychological battering and sadistic humiliations. Create a plan to gather all of your resources together to sever your toxic relationship with your narcissistic spouse.

You are not alone. There are countless others who have broken the bonds and are proceeding with their lives. Develop a strong sense of self entitlement. Learn to still your mind so that you think clearly and have access to one of the greatest gifts—your intuition. You are going to win back your peace, sense of control over your life, your confidence in your self, feelings of emotional security and the beautiful smile you have deep inside that is struggling to come to the surface.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Pathological Regressions of Narcissistic Spouse Pull You Down

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When you are married to a narcissist you are subject to the whip lashing mood swings. One moment they are manically high on their grand new vision that will bring outlandish success. The next moment they are verbally striking you in the gut. Restless, ruthless, completely self absorbed, the narcissist is taking you along for the ride while you suit his needs. When you cease to inflate his enormous ego, serve him in every way that he demands and swallow his abuse, he will dispose of you and find others who will better fulfill your role.  No spouse is indispensable. Narcissists often choose a man or a woman as a partner because he/she has the right social/business connections, family background and large monetary and property assets.

The narcissistic spouse can be highly secretive.The narcissist is always in a state of psychological regression despite his professional or work achievements. Deep within he/she is very infantile. The narcissistic psychic structure is fixed and unchangeable. This individual is psychologically regressed at the developmental age of two or even younger. The psychic structure of the real self has been severely damaged and overwhelmed by a false self that creates the illusion of grandeur and superiority. Essential to the NPD is the external image that he assiduously crafts and maintains. As his spouse you are the victim of a highly regressed damaged real self full of rage and secret paranoia.  You continue  to be psychologically injured by your narcissistic spouse through non stop verbal battering, gaslighting, lies and deception.

How long do you deserve to be treated like this? How much more can you take? Is he/she making you feel physically ill? Are you waking up in the middle of the night with a pounding heart? With rage? With terror?

How long will you tolerate the horrific effects this treatment has on your nervous system, immune system, quality of life? It is time to say No to him/her–Yes to Yourself.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Start Healing Now from Narcissistic Ex-Spouse

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Many of those who have suffered psychological and emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic spouse report that even after the divorce they still feel the deleterious effects of their mistreatment. It lingers with them. Some even wish for the “good days” when life with the narcissist was exciting. They remember the highs not the horrendous lows of those times. In some cases the recipient of narcissistic abuse has endured a chronic pattern of trauma and deprivation in childhood. This individual expects to be demeaned, criticized and humiliated. This is familiar, the norm. It is not unusual for a person who has been abused to move from one abuser to the next in an unending cycle. When you divorce a narcissist you have an opportunity to redefine yourself as a person who deserves to be treated with deep respect.  As you finish the formal process of divorce promise yourself that your healing has already begun. Going through a divorce from a narcissist is a great achievement in itself.

The growing self is always in a process of moving forward. You have suffered more than enough. You are entitled to feel differently about who you are and how you are treated.

You can begin by learning how to calm your body and mind. Taking yourself out of the day to day presence and toxic vibrations of the narcissist is an opening step. Learning how to quiet the mind with a form of meditation that works for you, performing simple yoga poses with emphasis on the breath, journaling your thoughts, feelings, inspirations, poems and insights allows you to let go and become uncensored to yourself. You have held yourself in check for so many years, turning yourself inside out to please the narcissist, you will be amazed at the power that you have to find a calmness and freedom that you have been waiting for.  Taking time regularly to immerse yourself in nature whether through gardening, hiking, watching and listening to the birds near you, sketching outside—is an enormous source of healing the body, mind, emotions and psyche.

Develop a solid healing relationship with yourself. For so long you have been overshadowed by the narcissist. He has stolen your light and eclipsed your creative ideas, your sense of optimism and hope, your life dreams. Vow that no one will ever do this to you again. You are the author of your own life. Seize your sense of self entitlement and deep inner peace. The time to re-start your life is now.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Women Grabbing Highly Successful Men

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There are narcissistic women who spend most of their time seeking and finding the “right man.” to marry. This means a guy with a lot of monetary assets and properties whom they can completely control. (Of course there are narcissistic men with the same plan). Narcissistic women are predatory. If the man they have in their sights is married, this is no problem for them—even if this “right guy” is married to her best friend or even her sister. They are brazen and conscienceless. In fact narcissistic women luxuriate in being outrageous. They always get away with it, especially if they are very attractive. Naturally these women need to brand their men by insisting on getting married without a pre-nup if at all possible. If the man in mind is not cooperative, they move on to someone else who is much more receptive. Some narcissistic women purposely marry men three or more decades older than they are who have immense wealth and worldly prestige. This is a perfect setup for them. If the guy is old enough, they find a boyfriend or two on the side to satisfy their need for excitement, frivolity, escape and sexual fun.

Men who marry these women often fall hopelessly in love with them and will shoulder limitless amounts of abuse, including constant demands for every material possession imaginable. These women are in charge of their unsuspecting husbands. They are incapable of loving them and don’t invest emotionally in their spouses or want to. Using their seductive wiles, the narcissistic femme fatale can always bring her man back instantaneously if his attention wanders. Some spouses of narcissistic women become obsessed with them and put up with every level of verbal abuse. They are enthralled with this woman and would never give her up. On the other side the narcissistic woman is having a grand time playing the role of partner to a prominent, highly successful man who wields great influence. Despite their accomplishments, education and professional achievements, this particular kind of narcissistic woman gets most of her narcissistic supplies being aligned so closely with the lifestyle that this highly affluent man provides.

When the marriage falters and the narcissistic woman has total control of her husband’s assets and feels restless, she moves forward to another relationship (which has often been going on for some time outside of the marriage) with a another man who will make all of her material dreams come true. The narcissistic woman never looks back to view all of the psychological and financial damage she has done. She moves in the unfettered fast lane of life where she creates her own rules of the road and fashions her life according to her extraordinary wishes and desires.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Embracing Treachery–Married to Narcissistic Sociopath

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Treachery causes an annihilation of the self. Its natural course is psychological danger to you, betrayal and deceit. When you live and are married to a narcissistic sociopath, treachery shadows you day and night. You are never safely alone with your private thoughts and feelings. The treachery of the NS creeps cunningly into your dreams that often reoccur, warning you to get away, get out, save yourself. But you cannot listen because you are ensnared by the sociopath’s seductive ways–his promises, his rewards for “good behavior”–meaning that you do exactly what he expects of you, even if this goes against your personal principles and values. Many women are psychologically fused with socialized psychopaths and find them addictive. They flee from their lover or marital partner, only to return again and again. Each time they are a little weaker psychologically and less aware that the price they pay is with their lives–the dilution of their emotional energy, creative gifts, core sense of self, the initiative to follow their professional and personal dreams and to experience an abiding inner peace.

When you are twined with NS your life is in his hands, your thoughts are his thoughts, your heart belongs to him not yourself. He screams at you when he is projecting his noxious venom into your face. He humiliates you emotionally and psychologically when he is enraged. He gets a thrill out of hurting you as you cower and beg forgiveness for what he has done to you. The cycle of destruction is endless until women married or tethered to these men wake up and recognize that their mate suffers from a severe pernicious personality disorder that will not change. The experience with the NS leads you to the lowest depths of your being.

It is when we are at a very low ebb that the urgency of “Waking Up” becomes strong and persistent. The voice of intuition speaks clearly: now is the time to sever the non relationship with this man/woman.  You are a strong independent, capable and gifted human being.Leave this regressive, pathological non relationship. Get back in touch with your real self—-the person you were meant to be.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.