Category Archives: narcissistic spouse

Being Victim of Narcissistic Generational Abuse Stops with Me

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I hear from many men and woman who have endured and survived horrendous narcissistic abuse from their Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Siblings, Narcissistic Spouses. A number of them report narcissistic cruelties, betrayals, abandonment, scapegoating, bullying that was pathologically repeated from one family generation to the next. They speak of mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. who perpetrated every manner of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. These victims can remember how they were treated as if it was yesterday. They speak about several generations of relatives who coldly participated in a variety of cruelties including psychological and physical abandonment, maternal deprivation, the imposition of sadistic punishments, making terrified servants out of their children, the engagement of horrific punishments that caused constant terror within the household. They described that they were servants in their own homes, bowing to the whims, needs and wishes of tyrannical narcissistic family members.

Those who rise up and say No More to narcissistic abuse are courageous individuals. Despite being surrounded by members of their own families who are endangering their psychological welfare, they make the decision not to side with these cold narcissistic family members who share only their DNA and completely lack any empathy for them. Those who free themselves of narcissistic generational abuse work hard to re-stabilize themselves, to recognize that they deserve to lead a life that belongs to them and that they are not dictated by the pathological whims, obsessions and parasitic needs of their narcissistic family members. Many benefit from excellent psychotherapy. There are many healing pathways including the practice of gentle yoga with the emphasis on the breath that calms that nervous system, learning to focus on their own self care, to create an exercise program that is tailored to their needs, recognizing that they deserve to experience deep inner peace, to use their unique creative gifts, to form healthy close bonds with others who love them. You have made a very important commitment. Your identity has changed forever, moving from victim of narcissistic abuse to leading your life in independence and freedom. You are a great example to all of us.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Seduction Cycle with Narcissistic Men

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Before you find yourself romantically obsessed with another narcissistic man, think clearly and review the  pathological character traits of these irresistible charmers. Beneath the smile, the eyes that never stop glancing at you, that rivet you with their allure, the seductively clever talk that stirs all your senses— remind yourself that deep inside the narcissist is psychologically running on empty. His internal world is bleak and he is filled with self loathing. He is not capable forming true intimate reciprocal relationships.

The narcissist lives to fulfill his wishes and desires. If you fit his plan he might choose you to play a role in his life. Narcissists are incapable of loyalty so they are unable to make a genuine commitment to another human being. He is a chronic convincing liar who is so good at perfidy that he has many women believing him. That’s how fine a method actor he is.

Grandiose narcissists love to create drama and excitement. This keeps their egos inflated. Their extreme sense of self entitlement soars. They make promises to you and spin tales that are hypnotic.

This time you will not be ensnared because you are highly informed about the true nature of the narcissist and have learned from your previous emotionally painful life experiences. During this process, practice self care. By this I mean learn to respect yourself and your own sense of entitlement to be treated as a worthy person of integrity who deserves respect. Developing a routine that makes yor stronger physically (through a form of exercise that you enjoy) and psychologically grounded will help you immeasurably to see right through a narcissistic man who begins to make overtures to you. You will recognize the verbal and nonverbal signals that tell you that this fellow is trouble. Detach yourself from the external image and watch carefully. Expand your powers of observation and objectivity. You will be surprised at how accurately you make the appraisal that this man is a narcissistic personality disorder.  You will be able to say “No” to him with certainty and grace. Give yourself a lot of credit for changing this previous pattern of being taken in by these infantile, self absorbed men that do not and never will have one of the greatest human traits—Empathy. This is the jewel in the crown of character traits. You now know that it is worth aligning yourself with those who are capable of compassion, genuineness, warmth, humor and who and who recognize you as a unique individual with whom they want to share their true selves.

Linda Martinez-Lewi,,Ph.D.

Pathological Regressions of Narcissistic Spouse Pull You Down

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When you are married to a narcissist you are subject to the whip lashing mood swings. One moment they are manically high on their grand new vision that will bring outlandish success. The next moment they are verbally striking you in the gut. Restless, ruthless, completely self absorbed, the narcissist is taking you along for the ride while you suit his needs. When you cease to inflate his enormous ego, serve him in every way that he demands and swallow his abuse, he will dispose of you and find others who will better fulfill your role.  No spouse is indispensable. Narcissists often choose a man or a woman as a partner because he/she has the right social/business connections, family background and large monetary and property assets.

The narcissistic spouse can be highly secretive.The narcissist is always in a state of psychological regression despite his professional or work achievements. Deep within he/she is very infantile. The narcissistic psychic structure is fixed and unchangeable. This individual is psychologically regressed at the developmental age of two or even younger. The psychic structure of the real self has been severely damaged and overwhelmed by a false self that creates the illusion of grandeur and superiority. Essential to the NPD is the external image that he assiduously crafts and maintains. As his spouse you are the victim of a highly regressed damaged real self full of rage and secret paranoia.  You continue  to be psychologically injured by your narcissistic spouse through non stop verbal battering, gaslighting, lies and deception.

How long do you deserve to be treated like this? How much more can you take? Is he/she making you feel physically ill? Are you waking up in the middle of the night with a pounding heart? With rage? With terror?

How long will you tolerate the horrific effects this treatment has on your nervous system, immune system, quality of life? It is time to say No to him/her–Yes to Yourself.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Start Healing Now from Narcissistic Ex-Spouse

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Many of those who have suffered psychological and emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic spouse report that even after the divorce they still feel the deleterious effects of their mistreatment. It lingers with them. Some even wish for the “good days” when life with the narcissist was exciting. They remember the highs not the horrendous lows of those times. In some cases the recipient of narcissistic abuse has endured a chronic pattern of trauma and deprivation in childhood. This individual expects to be demeaned, criticized and humiliated. This is familiar, the norm. It is not unusual for a person who has been abused to move from one abuser to the next in an unending cycle. When you divorce a narcissist you have an opportunity to redefine yourself as a person who deserves to be treated with deep respect.  As you finish the formal process of divorce promise yourself that your healing has already begun. Going through a divorce from a narcissist is a great achievement in itself.

The growing self is always in a process of moving forward. You have suffered more than enough. You are entitled to feel differently about who you are and how you are treated.

You can begin by learning how to calm your body and mind. Taking yourself out of the day to day presence and toxic vibrations of the narcissist is an opening step. Learning how to quiet the mind with a form of meditation that works for you, performing simple yoga poses with emphasis on the breath, journaling your thoughts, feelings, inspirations, poems and insights allows you to let go and become uncensored to yourself. You have held yourself in check for so many years, turning yourself inside out to please the narcissist, you will be amazed at the power that you have to find a calmness and freedom that you have been waiting for.  Taking time regularly to immerse yourself in nature whether through gardening, hiking, watching and listening to the birds near you, sketching outside—is an enormous source of healing the body, mind, emotions and psyche.

Develop a solid healing relationship with yourself. For so long you have been overshadowed by the narcissist. He has stolen your light and eclipsed your creative ideas, your sense of optimism and hope, your life dreams. Vow that no one will ever do this to you again. You are the author of your own life. Seize your sense of self entitlement and deep inner peace. The time to re-start your life is now.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Women Grabbing Highly Successful Men

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There are narcissistic women who spend most of their time seeking and finding the “right man.” to marry. This means a guy with a lot of monetary assets and properties whom they can completely control. (Of course there are narcissistic men with the same plan). Narcissistic women are predatory. If the man they have in their sights is married, this is no problem for them—even if this “right guy” is married to her best friend or even her sister. They are brazen and conscienceless. In fact narcissistic women luxuriate in being outrageous. They always get away with it, especially if they are very attractive. Naturally these women need to brand their men by insisting on getting married without a pre-nup if at all possible. If the man in mind is not cooperative, they move on to someone else who is much more receptive. Some narcissistic women purposely marry men three or more decades older than they are who have immense wealth and worldly prestige. This is a perfect setup for them. If the guy is old enough, they find a boyfriend or two on the side to satisfy their need for excitement, frivolity, escape and sexual fun.

Men who marry these women often fall hopelessly in love with them and will shoulder limitless amounts of abuse, including constant demands for every material possession imaginable. These women are in charge of their unsuspecting husbands. They are incapable of loving them and don’t invest emotionally in their spouses or want to. Using their seductive wiles, the narcissistic femme fatale can always bring her man back instantaneously if his attention wanders. Some spouses of narcissistic women become obsessed with them and put up with every level of verbal abuse. They are enthralled with this woman and would never give her up. On the other side the narcissistic woman is having a grand time playing the role of partner to a prominent, highly successful man who wields great influence. Despite their accomplishments, education and professional achievements, this particular kind of narcissistic woman gets most of her narcissistic supplies being aligned so closely with the lifestyle that this highly affluent man provides.

When the marriage falters and the narcissistic woman has total control of her husband’s assets and feels restless, she moves forward to another relationship (which has often been going on for some time outside of the marriage) with a another man who will make all of her material dreams come true. The narcissistic woman never looks back to view all of the psychological and financial damage she has done. She moves in the unfettered fast lane of life where she creates her own rules of the road and fashions her life according to her extraordinary wishes and desires.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Patriarchs Destroy Their Families

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Wherever they go, narcissists are destroyers. Without conscience or psychological boundaries, they head straight for what they want, regardless of the people whom they hurt, wound or destroy. This is particularly painful for family  members. The patriarchal grandiose, ruthless narcissist in his role as father and spouse, turns family members against one another, plays favorites openly, is cruel to those who don’t measure up to his standards–meaning they must mirror him perfectly at all times. Narcissistic patriarchs rule with intimidation and threat. As a very young child the son or daughter of a patriarchal narcissist knows the sound of his/her father’s footsteps and terror courses throughout his small body. His mind is racing as he feverishly searches for a place to hide. “What have I done wrong this time?” the child asks himself. Some children of narcissistic parents internalize these feelings of always being wrong, of not being worthy, worthlessness–without value.

With their volcanic rage interrupting any possible peace in the home, the narcissistic patriarch holds on to his throne by instilling deep fear in his spouse and children.  Day and night his wife and children are in a state of flight. Their nervous systems are worn down by the constant stress hormones that race through their bodies and the obsessive thoughts that this time dad and husband will lose it completely and decimate all of them.

Surviving this childhood or marriage is truly miraculous. After you are free of the narcissistic patriarch and on your own, there is an essential time for healing, appreciating your true unique nature and acknowledging and using your special gifts. Some victims find that quality psychotherapy helps them to work through the painful legacy of those years of maximum ordeal. There are many practices that will teach you that you are entitled to and can feel safe, secure and calm within yourself.  Practicing deep breathing through the nose slows the nervous system and puts you in the parasympathetic mode. Be patient with yourself. Remember you are learning to shift your body from fear and intimidation to calmness, security and a deep feeling of well being.

Gentle yoga with emphasis of breathing through the nose an focusing on doing poses in the moment teaches us to concentrate on what is happening now. As your breath slows down, every system in your body begins to heal. Looking deep within  and discovering your special gifts is an essential part of your healing. By working each day on this new cycle in your life you will find yourself changing. Be patient with the pace of this shift in your new self perception. Pay close attention to your intuition. Don’t let the projections of others interfere with your insight. Move forward on your own path, appreciating the beauty of your personal transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Don’t Let Narcissist Get His Selfish Way

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Narcissists are bullies that come in different styles. Some are socially sophisticated and make you feel torn inside out. Others are openly menacing and show their canine teeth. Concealed narcissists sabotage you with passive aggressive ploys, pretending they are humble and good.One way or another a narcissist will take advantage of you, even when he tells you he adores you and you are the most important person in his/her life.  Narcissists convince most people that they are telling the truth. Narcissists are chronic liars. The words rolling off of their tongues are designed to deceive you so they can get their way. They have no sense of limits, nor do they  have a conscience. Narcissists wear many masks and have multiple lives–many of them secret. Their moral compass is based on how much narcissistic supply they can get for themselves–image, money, power, social and business contacts, etc.

Narcissists go beyond the limit with people, causing tremendous emotional and psychological stress. This is particularly the case when it involves their spouses and children. Narcissists don’t care whether they hurt your feelings, demean you, humiliate you, make you feel sick or even put you in the hospital. With a narcissist you can never count on them to have empathy—ever. They effect a pseudo empathy which can be convincing. Once they get what they want they are back to their old ways of exploitation, duplicity and manipulation.

Many narcissists are like volcanoes–always in a state of endless blowing off rage. They are not like Old Faithful where you can time when the great steams will rise in the air. They are unpredictable which sets your nervous system on constant edge. Living with a narcissist you are always in the sympathetic nervous system —the fight or flight system of survival. Being the recipient of this kind of treatment puts you on constant edge, always waiting for the next vituperative eruption.

You can’t change the narcissist but you can change yourself. Recognize that you are a separate valuable human being. Develop practices that lead to calming your nervous system–gentle yoga, a form of meditation that works for you, listening to music, going to tai chi classes, doing cardiovascular exercises that lower stress and get your endorphins working and that strengthen your immune system. Develop a support system of people whom you can trust. They don’t have to understand the narcissist in your life but if they are truly empathetic they will help as they listen and care deeply about you. Do what you love–photography, sketching, writing each day with freedom and lack of judgment, spending time in Nature, gardening, cooking–whatever appeals to you and introduces beauty into your life.

If you are married to a narcissist it is possible that you will make the decision to divorce this person. Often it is impossible to live with this kind of psychopathology. If the narcissist is a mother, it may be necessary to sever the relationship and go no contact. This is your decision. Remember, now is the time to finally think about your own needs. You have never done this in your life before. Take very good care of yourself. You are entitled.

Get Out of Narcissistic Spouse’s Clutches

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Some narcissists remind me of carnivorous creatures who are called ambush predators. They ingeniously use camouflage to blend into their environment. The stone fish lies on the ocean floor and takes on the look of a rock. Fish swim too close by him and are bitten and inflicted with deadly toxins.

The narcissist is filled with psychological toxins that are dangerous to everyone, especially those who are vulnerable to his charm, grandiose promises, fulfillment of old dreams of being adored and taken care of. It is difficult for many of us to acknowledge that we have been waiting to be rescued. As children many individuals are neglected, discarded, made scapegoats, and severely abused. It is not unusual when we look at these life histories to understand how someone can so easily become enraptured by a narcissistic personality and become trapped by leading his/her life not their own. The narcissist takes you as a possession. Everything belongs to him. He/she decides the trajectory of your life. I have seen very capable and accomplished women drop their creativity, talents and drive to seek and find a man who will take care of them in every way. They are willing to eclipse their lives because of these early deep psychological needs.

As time moves forward the spouse of the narcissist either deludes herself that she is very happy to be waited on and taken care of and have whatever she wants or she begins to recognize that she is trapped with a very demanding, overwhelming, enraged man who views her as his possession.

Those who wake up and realize that they are imprisoned and that their lives are eclipsed, have strong misgivings about their marriages to narcissists. The fairy tale has faded. It has become tawdry, painful –” full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” (Shakespeare, Macbeth) Recognizing that this person is controlling your life has hit you in the face. You know that you must get out of his/her clutches.

You deserve to lead a life that is free, creative, loving and unencumbered by the cruel delusions of narcissists. Find the help that you need. Some individuals free themselves in various ways: highly skilled psychotherapy, gentle yoga, regular exercise that works for you, times of solitude, finding your own creative pathway, meeting people whom you can trust and who are genuine and have empathy.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses Addicted to Pornography

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There are many individuals addicted to pornography who are not narcissistic personalities.  I have come across a population of narcissistic personalities who are. Some of them are obsessed with it–day and night.

This causes additional problems for the spouse of the narcissist. If there are children in the picture this complicates the matter. Narcissists are very blase’ about these addictions, thinking nothing of them. They are not concerned about protecting their children from exposure to images and sounds that could be shocking and disturbing to them. They do not genuinely love and care about their children. Their concern is about getting caught and having their perfect image impaired in some public way. That is the worst punishment for them. Narcissists have no sense of limits so if they want to watch porn, they deserve to enjoy it and not be disturbed by anyone else in the household. I have heard of cases in which a child was sick, the mother was very concerned but the narcissistic husband and father was too “busy” with his extensive porn collection to offer support or even attend to his child’s physical pain. In some instances, the child had to be taken to an emergency room by the mother and dad stayed home with his favorite pastime. This illustrates how infantile and unempathic these individuals are. It illustrates their extreme sense of self entitlement and no limits or boundaries beliefs about themselves.

Eventually there is a time of reckoning with the narcissistic spouse. As the only responsible adult and parent in the family, it is up to you to make the call about severing the marriage and seeking a divorce. Some spouses are unable to make this decision and drag out the emotional and psychological pain to themselves and their children. Once the truth about the narcissistic spouse is clearly in your  mind together with all of the damage he has done and knowing that he will never change, step forward, make you plan to sever the relationship. I hear from those who have made this decision and they feel that they have started living again.

They are motivated and act to make the final shift from being a victim to leading a full solitary creative life for yourself (and if you have children for them).

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses Ripping You Apart Piece by Piece

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Piece by piece, some small others large, your narcissistic spouse is ripping your apart psychologically and attempting to destroy your singular life. When we are married we expect some autonomy. This is not possible with a narcissistic partner. They are fused with husband/wife even when they are having affairs, ignoring your feelings, pretending like you don’t exist. You are their possession to be used according to their delusional whims and obsessions. When you put you life’s fate in with a narcissist you have made a deal with the devil. Many spouses who remain in these relationships decades later look back at what has become of their lives. They are worn out, depressed, lack energy and hope and feel desperate much of the time. Every once in a while they will have a crumb dropped on them out of the blue by the narcissistic partner. “Let’s take a trip, dear.” “I bought this outfit just for you.” Let’s go out to dinner, just the two of us.” Often these are empty promises to bring you back into their camp—prison camp. Many go for this bait time after time.

The narcissist is not going to change—ever. You are married to a severe fixed personality disorder. You are the one who will make the decisions and the changes. You cannot trust the narcissist to do what he/she says in a moment of conjuring up the early days of glowing seduction and no limits life possibilities.

You now see through the delusion but are afraid to leave the narcissist. Many with whom I have been in contact, reach inside and make the decision to sever the marriage and reclaim their lives. This is a tremendous challenge but those who have made this step report that now they lead their own lives and are not overshadowed by the narcissist’s possessiveness, intimidations, humiliations, betrayals and exploitations. Take heart, you can turn on to a different pathway and lead the life to which you are entitled.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com