Category Archives: narcissistic sister

Narcissists Accuse You of Being Crazy–Not True

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Narcissistic mothers, spouses and siblings accuse their victims of being “crazy”. That can mean anything–that you express your feelings, think independently, call the narcissists out on his mistakes, that you are creating a life of your own, that you have talent and tremendous creativity.  Wherever you don’t fit into the mold that the narcissist has created for you, there will be a target of his/her volcanic rage. Narcissists are so intimidating to most family members that we tend to believe what they are saying to us—even though it is a lie, figment of a deluded person. You are not fitting into the narcissist’s image of how he has molded you.  There’s the rub. Being yourself is not part of his repertoire. Since all reality revolves around him/her, you cannot step out of this very confined psychological space or the doors of Hell will open right before your eyes.

Narcissistic siblings are often sadistic with the chosen victim brother or sister. Having mother or father in your back pocket is a big plus if you want to put your sibling in constant turmoil. He or she gets the blame always for things that the budding narcissist, the golden child has done. The victimized child is not crazy. He lives in terror from one moment to the next.

Narcissistic spouses dispense with their perfect images when they enter the confines of their private spaces and all Hell breaks lose with their screaming demands, their false accusations, their threats to expose you for something you never did. This is crazy making but you are not crazy. The narcissistic spouse is creating chaos inside of you that is intolerable. You don’t think you can live through one more moment. Some husbands and wives on the receiving end are so afraid that they go along with the narcissist and even blame themselves and agree with his delusional accusations.

You are not crazy; you are being severely abused and treated with disrespect, dismissiveness and a complete lack of empathy or compassion. In these instances the narcissist is inhumane. Stop blaming yourself if that has become your pattern of survival–identifying with the aggressor.  Seek excellent professional help and make sure you do all of the research on finding a therapist who is worthy of your trust. Reach out to friends whom you can count on. You only need one. Know deep down that you will prevail over living in a narcissistic family or being married to a narcissistic spouse or having a narcissistic sibling. There are so many alternatives waiting for you. Start to recognize the beauty inside of you–the original self that you always were. There are many pathways to freedom. Trust your intuition to find the one that is suited for you. Listen carefully and let yourself be guided. Meditation in a form that works for you deepens intuition and the guides that lead us to freedom and rediscovering our real selves. You will find individuals whom you can trust along the way. They will help you. Be receptive to the gifts of knowing that don’t come from the intellect. You are learning that you can be calm, that the body, mind and soul are always in the process of healing.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Older Sister Torments Her Younger Sibling

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Standing in the shadow of a narcissistic older sister is a very difficult and painful role. We didn’t ask to be placed in our birth order. Often there are rivalries among siblings but when you are the younger one who must answer to an impossible older sister, you live in a state of anxious suspension. Some younger sisters look up to the elder one, viewing her extreme self confidence and feelings of entitlement as something to be  admired and emulated. When her mood shifts darkly the narcissistic older sister turns very ugly. The narcissist views her sister as inferior, defective, inept and unattractive. In fact she is ashamed of her younger sibling. In reality the opposite is true. The younger sister(s) is often quite bright, creative, considerate of others and appealing. In fact it is older sister who is so envious that she seethes with a rage that boils within her and at times erupts in uncontrollable verbal attacks and recriminations. Alone with the narcissist, the younger one is humiliated and screamed at, told she is worthless, that mother never wanted her and she is the favorite. “You were an afterthought, an accident of fate.”

These cruelties continue throughout childhood and often beyond. Many younger sisters believe these horrendous projections and internalize them. They view themselves as “less than”, “not enough”.  When the mother is emotionally unavailable or a narcissist herself, it is impossible for the child who has been emotionally hurt to find a safe personal alliance, a loving person to whom she can go and seek refuge. The younger daughter feels lost and alone. Some younger daughters hide their deep hurt feelings and numb themselves so that they can perform in school, make an effort to have friends and dismiss the innumerable cruelties dispensed by the older sister whom they once loved and admired. Some sisters are so desperate that they continue their search for love and acceptance, finding other narcissists who end up disposing of and hurting them all over again. Some younger sisters follow this destructive pattern through marriage to a narcissistic man. It can take them a long time to recognize that they are repeating a familiar pattern that hurts them and eclipses their lives.

There is a time of reckoning that occurs to many victims of narcissistic overbearing, cold, cruel older sisters. They search and find the answer. They realize that they have been playing the role of victim all of this time. They research the narcissistic personality, see their life pattern clearly and decide to stop the cycle of abuse.

With the help of high quality psychotherapy in some cases, finding friends whom they trust and know that appreciate them as unique and valuable, spending solitary time quieting the mind and learning to calm the nervous system, these sisters come into their own. They assert themselves. They are proud of who they are and own their true identities. The narcissistic familial thicket of thorns has been left behind. The pathway to a renewed life has begun.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

My Older Sister-Narcissist Supreme

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I have been told this story too many times. “When I was little I looked up to my older sister. She was so smart and very pretty. I liked to watch her and always wanted to be like her. She treated me pretty well when I was very young but then she became very involved with her friends and forgot about me completely. I was not born pretty.I did ok in school but I was not a superior student like my sister. Mom constantly asked me why I couldn’t be more like her. “We don’t know what to do with you. Susan (my older sister) is such a great role model. She is superior at school and very popular with the kids. What’s the matter with you. You don’t see to have any friends and your grades are only fair.”

On and o these wounding words go to the daughter who is not golden or chosen and who is constantly bombarded by the narcissistic mother telling her how inferior she is.

As the narcissistic sister grows, her ego gets bigger, her ruthlessness harsher, her vanity greater, her sense of superiority tremendous.

Often narcissistic mothers of these star daughters join forces to make the non-narcissistic daughter’ life absolutely miserable. These forgotten and abused daughters want to disappear on the spot. They are so ashamed of themselves, feel so inferior. This not their fault. This is the extreme cruelty of the narcissistic mothers and older sister duo and their dirty work.

Some non-narcissistic daughters find their way out of these psychological prisons. Others don’t. They keep blaming themselves for not being perfect, not being good enough , not being their older sister.

If your are this younger daughter, recognize and appreciate the struggle you have been through. You have survived. Now it is time to claim your individuality, your creative gifts, to resonate with yourself as unique and valuable. Healing modalities like gentle yoga and meditation are practices that calm the mind and nervous system so you are in touch with a self that is at peace. Some benefit from high quality psychotherapy. Choose your therapist after a lot of research and interview several until you find the right one. Expand and deepen your unique self. Learn to love yourself. Treat yourself with respect and bring joy into your life. Expand and deepen your consciousness and your horizons. You deserve to lead a life that belongs to you. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You Deserve to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse

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The beginning of healing is recognizing that you are worthy and that
you have unique value as an individual. This can be difficult for those
who not only married narcissists but grew up with a narcissistic mother
or father. From the beginning of life you were treated like an object or
less. No one gave you the special attention you needed, even as a small
child. Your basic physical needs may have been taken care of  (or not)
but there was no emotional contact or understanding with the
narcissistic parent. This person was so preoccupied to himself/herself 
that you were invisible to them. In other cases you were the punching
bag. The narcissistic parent was constantly enraged and you were
conveniently there to receive the blows–the humiliations, criticisms,
threats, intimidations. You can still remember the primal sounds of your
narcissistic mother’s screams; the way she looked at you with pure
hatred. You felt yourself grow cold. Your intestines roiled inside. You
thought you were going to die on the spot. Some children become
emotionally frozen and feel numb. They learn to go into this state to
protect themselves. Some narcissists parents have special sadistic
punishments–putting you in a locked closet most of the day. There you
sat and cried, unable to breathe, not knowing when you would be
released. You felt terror roar throughout your body and mind. Finally
you whimpered yourself to sleep. Some narcissistic parents treat their
children like servants. Small children must clean the house, wash the
clothing and wait on the narcissistic mother or father. There is no
mercy behind the walls of this house. Those on the outside never know
that this malevolent treatment is taking place.

You
can and will heal from your narcissistic mother, father, spouse,
sibling. One of the most significant roles here is in putting your
healing first–make it a priority. You have been living in the fight or
flight mode most of your life. It is essential that you begin to have
experiences within your self that feel safe and calm. Each person finds
his own pathway to healing. We take from different disciplines and
practices. One that helps many people is the use of the breath to calm
the body/mind. This can work through the practice of gentle hatha yoga
poses with emphasis on the breath moving in and out of the nostrils.
When we do a pose we are gentle with ourselves. There is no need to
strain or push. There is nothing to attain. Be present with yourself and
pay attention to your breath. If you are unfamiliar with yoga it might
be helpful to find a class with a teacher who is skilled but also highly
empathic and calm. True yoga is uncompetitive. It is a practice that
has developed over thousands of years and is very effective for many in
achieving greater calmness within the body and mind. Another method of
treatment is acupuncture. This is not for everyone. Some people are
afraid of needles (although they are very thin). Finding the right
practitioner is very important. This is someone who is highly skilled
and experienced and whose ego is dropped. Besides this, you want to see
an acupuncturist who does not have a money motive but a healing motive
in treating patients. Acupuncture treatments lead the patient to
experience the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is
very calm and feels safe and protected. We rest in a deep security as we
let go and ground with the experience.

Writing regularly for
yourself alone is another form of healing from the narcissist. It frees
up your mind and emotions. You are expressing feelings as you release
them. There are no judgments to make as you write. It flows from you.
Spending time with Nature is also very healing. We see the intricacies
and beauty of the natural world and are amazed by them. Some people have
small gardens and find that focusing in the present on their plants and
flowers is part of their healing process. Meditation for some of those
who are recovering can be a source of comfort, quieting the mind and
focus. Do not be judgmental when you meditate. Meditation is not the
absence of thought. It is the effort that matters the most, not the time
you put in. One minute of meditation or prayer is invaluable. Some form
of exercise releases body tensions and calms obsessive thinking. Choose
what works for you. Find your own ways of healing. Trust yourself. You
know so much about how to find you way back. The body/mind is always
moving naturally toward healing. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Do Not Bother with Suffering of Others

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Narcissists are obsessed with their own lives. If you fit into their
their picture as part of an adoring audience that keeps their ego
inflated, that works very well for them. There are followers who don’t
have an identity of their own and feel and believe (especially with high
level narcissists) that they can participate in the glory, adulation
and power of this other person. They psychologically fuse with the
narcissist so completely that they are always finding ways to emulate
him, to make him pleased, to serve him, to seek his approval, to be part
of his elite inner circle. There are many sacrifices that the devotee
make to achieve this purpose. The first being that you give up your own
life to him (her). When you get older, are less attractive, have jowls
beginning to show, there is an excellent chance that you will be dropped
from his presence. Will he care that you have been run out of paradise.
Will it disturb him (her) that you are having a financial or medical
crisis and need his assistance. Absolutely not! Even if you have known
him for decades.

Narcissists are bored by the
suffering, difficulties, illnesses and tragedies of others. They give
you a quick clipped message and that is the end of it. Your problems are
a bother to the narcissist if you ask him for help. After all, the
focus is his life not yours. Some narcissistic fathers and mothers are
aggravated when their children become ill. They might tell this child
that he or she is lying or exaggerating. The narcissist blames the child
for becoming ill and tells the little one he or she is a weakling.

When
you know a narcissist whether as part of your family or as a friend or
acquaintance, have you noticed their complete disinterest in what you
are experiencing in your life, especially if it is heartbreaking or
tragic or a difficult protracted problem. Narcissists cannot process the
suffering of others, even their spouses and children. The are
completely insensitive to what you are feeling. They don’t and won’t
understand your experiencing and are bored by it. They either play it
all down or ignore you completely. Never think you can count on a
narcissistic spouse or parent to come and stand by you when you are in
emotional, psychological or physical pain. This state of yours is
non-existent to them or it is an inconvenience or interruption in their
plans. I have heard life stories of spouses who were very ill and had to
call upon others to take them to the emergency room because the
narcissistic spouse was too busy or away on a trip and incommunicado.

If
a person cannot stop and  acknowledge that you are having a very
difficult or impossible time with an illness, psychological problem,
financial or family crisis, then he or she is not completely human. This
individual is not worthy of your respect. Narcissists don’t change so
don’t wait for the magical transformation. It is not going to happen.

You
can change by recognizing your worth, your meaning and your creative
gifts. Rediscover yourself by severing psychologically toxic
relationships with narcissists. To learn about the narcissistic
personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Siblings Are Small Tyrants that Get Bigger and Crueler

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Narcissistic siblings do not change. As little children they already
have become self entitled to the hilt. I remember visiting one of these
dysfunctional families. It was startling. Soon after I arrived the
parents’ three year old was hitting her little brother mercilessly and
landing punches. The parents said nothing to her. They finally “woke up”
for a moment and in a frail voice the mother said: “Dear, that’s not
very nice.” That’s it.

I remember that the tiny she- devil
demanded ice cream on the spot. She was a broken record. I was not able
to converse with the parents because her voice rose when she didn’t get
what she wanted. She threw herself all over the furniture and finally
started a frenzied dance on the coffee table. Mother ran to the kitchen
and quickly appeared with a heaping bowl of ice cream. But that was not
enough. She had to have some cherries on top. Mother ran back and got
them. I was dumbfounded and almost screamed myself. I shortened my visit
since it was impossible to communicate with these parents of a budding
narcissist.

I got reports from other relatives and
friends of the family that Angelica had gotten worse. Her brother was
the constant target of physical and emotional abuse. The parents still
did not intervene. It was as if they were afraid of the tyrant in their
midst. Her demands and cruelties continued and became more serious. The
little brother often hid in his room to avoid Angelica the Hun. 
Surprising that she didn’t have a collection of ancient swords in her
bedroom.  I never returned to this house nor did I renew my acquaintance
with this family. Many years later I was invited to daughter’s wedding.
Angelica was Bridezilla on steroids. Her maids of honor were criticized
and psychologically beaten down and told exactly what they could do and
not do. They were intimidated by the bride.This full grown narcissist
was now running the entire family. Her brother was still traumatized
from the years of abuse by her and obliviousness by the parents. He fortunately moved away, married and had very little contact with the eternal Bridezilla.

If
you have a narcissistic sibling, these life stories are no mystery to
you. The question is: How much more are you going to take? Narcissists
don’t change. They  grow older and crueler. Learn to give priority to
your own life, to your talents, your dreams, your personal
relationships, your creativity. Research the true nature of the
narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Step Out of Your Narcissistic Sister’s Shadow

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In narcissistic families some children are more “equal” than others,
even “superior.” Of course this is not true; it is a delusion, a tale of
parental narcissistic psychopathology. When we are very young we are
helpless and must do whatever we can to survive. Some kids play the
game; some know how to be skilled actors; others hide and wither. If you
have lived in the deep shadow of your sister’s pathological narcissism,
you have weathered great emotional and psychological pain. Very likely
one of your parents was a narcissist. In many instances it is the
narcissistic mother who chooses her favorite child to carry the family
banner of perfection. She has picked the one who will give her the most
narcissistic supplies and bragging, bravado. She will wear the family
coat of arms and be crowned as royalty. This child can do no wrong and
is given no limits of behavior. As a result this golden sister does not
develop a conscience or empathy or compassion. she may be sadistic and
enjoy causing you emotional pain. She gets you in trouble with her lies.
Mother believes her because they are psychologically fused with one
another. This ghastly delusional arrangement can move all the way into
adulthood.

At some point many of these victims of the
narcissistic sister decide they are carrying too much pain. They can no
longer endure it. They have tried everything to be accepted by their
narcissistic mother and sister. But nothing ever works (and it never
will–That’s how serious disturbed these individuals are. You have the
insight and know that you will now sever this relationship with
narcissistic mother and her twin the narcissistic sister. You will no
longer be living in her shadow.

Many individuals in
this situation move forward to separate from this pathological family
origin with the help of excellent psychotherapy and other healing
methods that include gentle yoga, meditation, finding supportive
friends, using your creative gifts and watching them blossom in full
light. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit
my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com