Category Archives: narcissistic rage

Narcissists–Perfect Weddings–Disastrous Marriages

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Everything about the narcissist is image. For him or her image is reality, a reality based on grandiose delusions and visions of perfection. Observing the wedding plans and how they are impeccably created and executed can tell the tale to follow. It is understandable that couples want their wedding day to be very special and memorable. Here I am talking over the top perfectionism. Nothing is more important than the actual event where the narcissist plays the starring role, standing at the center of his universe, the emperor of his domain.

After the soft focus glow of the honeymoon the gorgeous masks of the narcissistic groom or bride slip and we begin to feel and see who this person we married truly is. There are pricks of criticisms that become more frequent and wounding. The other spouse waves them off, thinking: “Oh, he’s just having a tough time today–no point in making a case out of this” or “I am overreacting to him/her because I know how sensitive I am. He has told me so many times.” or “He is making a big adjustment to our being a married couple now. Give him a break.” These thoughts run through the head of the non-narcissistic spouse–always making excuses for the narcissistic spouse even when his vituperative comments are tearing you apart day after day. Next, the always sharp fangs appear when the narcissist lets go with full throated screaming fits that last long enough to cause your nervous system to go into fight or flight mode. Your adrenaline is pumping so fast that you are shivering, have a thundering headache, roiling intestines, feelings of doom.

Eventually the non-narcissistic spouse is worn down, beaten up emotionally, exhausted, spent and constantly on edge. The narcissist’s tricks and ruses become more frequent; the lies overflow and cannot be counted; the betrayals are ongoing; his hatred of you has congealed; his pathological projections are legion. Each  attack has your name on it.

Finally, you are fed up. You do the research, go to therapy, check your intuitions that have been pounding at you for months and years and Yes—You are married to a narcissistic personality, a person without empathy, emotional intimacy, truth, conscience, a scintilla of compassion for another human being. You make your move to sever the non-relationship from this highly pathological individual. You will rescue yourself from this disastrous marriage. As you make the effort and do the hard work, the original self in you is celebrating—Freedom!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Spouses Activate Our Self Destructive Patterns

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It is dreadful enough being married to a person who is constantly criticizing you, emotionally bludgeoning you,humiliating you in private and public, lying about his secret forays and generally causing unbearable stress and chaos in your life. What makes it worse is the way that this sadistic cruel pattern of treatment activates your old self destructive patterns of thinking, feeling and behavior. If you feel “less than” deep inside his/her attacks and onslaughts cut to the quick and you are back into your four year old skin, listening to mother screaming at the top of her lungs: “You are worthless.” Why did I have you?” “You are stubborn and stupid and will never learn.” And on and on. You feel these old etched words and her horrible looks viscerally as if it is happening right now. You become a frightened little child all over again. You were never enough—not pretty, bright, energetic, social, –That’s what you are hearing as an adult decades later when your narcissistic spouse starts one of his chronic verbal attacks. It reinforces the misbeliefs you have about yourself.

When you can finally recognize who the narcissist is, identify him without a doubt and separate who you are from him/her, you have begun the process of healing. Now you can work with your core psychological issues. Until you make that distinction, you are left trapped in his/her toxic projections.

First, recognize that you are entitled to lead your life as an evolving human being, using all of your gifts, enjoying your own company and that of others, being independent and strong within yourself, feeling the healing grace of solitude, the excitement of learning something new and appreciating life in the moment.

You are up to this challenge. You will do the hard work of healing yourself. Some turn to psychotherapy but it must be highly skilled and the therapist must be truly empathic. Others find healing modalities like gentle yoga, tai chi, forms of meditation that work for you, finding a trusting support system and using creative gifts that are now open to you. You can win your real self back. This lovely person has been waiting to give you a hug and many blessings for a long time.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Mothers-in-Law and Their Narcissistic Sons Wreck Marriages

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You never suspected when you met your narcissistic husband that he was a pathological disorder who was going to turn your life upside down. You fell for him immediately and didn’t listen to the quiet murmurings of your intuition that said: ” this man is a phony, too good to be true. He’s making empty promises he will never keep. He is, beneath the smooth act, completely self absorbed, controlling and manipulative.” Oh those times when we do not listen to the Oracle of Intuition.

Along with this most charming of men comes his narcissistic mother-in-law. After you have been married for a short time you notice that your husband’s glorious mask has begun to slip, especially behind closed doors. You find him in a beet red rage over some very small oversight on your part. He criticizes you over nothing. You feel unsteady and confused and anxious. Where is the man whom you married? He stripped to the real him in private. In public he is a marvel of social grace–adorable, charming, impeccable manners. butter wouldn’t think of melting in his mouth.  He is a deal closer par excellence, oozing with self confidence. Those who do not know the real man, adore him and would follow him through the endless dunes, barren plateaus and dry valleys of the god forsaken Sahara.

Enter the Source–His Narcissistic Mother. Those who have gone through hell week, years or decades with a narcissistic mother-in-law have horrid stories to tell of psychological battering, open disdain and rudeness, dismissive behaviors that say you don’t matter or even exist. Psychological pummeling and continuing ambushes are part of the daily sadistic fare. Narcissistic mother continually uses her clever drams of poison to assure that your husband will hate you even more. This mother/son narcissistic duo cannot be broken. As hard as you try to be the perfect wife and person to your narcissistic husband, this will never work. Remember, this man was molded by his mother. If he was the golden son, he could do no wrong, had no limits or conscience, could step on any ones’ toes. To the NM he was her perfect born–her magnificent creation. The psychological umbilical link between NM and NS cannot be broken.The narcissistic son has a love/hate relationship with mother that is lifelong. He hates being her possession; he despises being emasculated by her but he always returns to her no matter what. This unbroken pathological bond wrecks marriages.

If children are involved it gets more complex and ugly. The NMIL may turn your children against you secretly. Or she might ignore them completely. Her main obsession is her son, since she doesn’t have a life of her own. He is the perfect mirror of her–the one she lives through and for. There she is hidden in a corner, telling outrageous lies about your character and past that she spins and feeds to him like a delicacy. Her good boy possession believes narcissistic mama. This Gordian Knot cannot be cut, even by you. After all, she was the first woman in his life.

The pathological psychological fusion between NM and NS takes precedence over your marriage. As much as he unconsciously hates her possession of him, they  remain locked together, keeping you out.

Study and learn to recognize this narcissistic dynamic and sever yourself from it to recover your own life. This can be a difficult process but it is well worth the effort to breathe your own freedom of body, mind and spirit once more–to lead a life in the full light of your self initiation, the use of your many gifts and talents and to feel a dynamic peace that you have always deserved.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Learning to Trust After the Narcissist

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Erik Erikson, the great psychoanalyst, introduced what he called the Eight Ages of Man. The beginning phase he named Trust versus Mistrust. This stage takes place during the first year of life. How the child perceives himself inside as either secure and trusting of himself and his environment depends greatly on the maternal relationship. The mother communicates to her child through her attachment to him, her own trustworthiness and steadiness. As the result the baby internalizes these feelings of safety, security and of  being cherished deep inside himself. This internalization “forms the basis in the child for a sense of identity.”

So many children as a result of poor or non-mothering develop a sense of mistrust from the beginning. The mothering figure was unreliable, emotionally unsteady, psychologically cold and distant, incapable of  being affectionate and emotionally intimate with her baby and young child. This is a description of the narcissistic mother. Quite often those who have been through the ordeals of growing up with a narcissistic mother are attracted to men and women who are narcissists. They are returning to a  pattern of psychological abuse, deprivation, unsteadiness, fight or flight mode, becoming again the recipient of cruel projections that are injurious to mind, psyche and body. This is what is familiar to the child who grew up with a narcissistic parent or within a narcissistic family.

The individual who survived under the ordeals of childhood with a narcissistic parent often repeats this self destructive pattern by marrying a narcissistic personality. What was left unknown and buried inside of us as children is often repeated as adults. Being married to a narcissist is a daily waking nightmare. You try to change this person and hope that his/her outrageous demands, demeaning criticisms and humiliations will come to an end but they don’t and will not. You are wearing yourself out trying to be perfect in response to this individual’s deep pathology. You are sacrificing yourself and your life to the narcissistic spouse. You ask yourself? Is it worth it? What is happening to my life, my state of mind, my emotional and physical health, my creative potential, my sense of security? The answer is that you have become the human object upon which all of the vituperative unconscious thoughts, feelings and impulses of the narcissistic spouse are constantly being projected on to you. This is unhealthy for you in every way. Some spouses awaken to this crisis they are in and take action by severing their relationship with this person who has taken over their lives, thoughts, emotions, feelings of hope, dreams, etc.

If you decide that you must end your suffering by breaking this “relationship” you will change your life. This is not easy but it can be done. Your steadfastness and courage will lead the way. Your strong sense of entitlement to lead your own life will prevail. In the process of healing after the narcissist many individuals return to work out their trust issues. Some benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing paths such as gentle hatha yoga as well as forming relationships with those whom you know are understanding and supportive of your healing process. You will learn to trust people who are worthy of it. You will become skilled at recognizing the narcissistic personality and never choose him or her as a partner. You will work to become calmer inside, to appreciate the unique person you are and to use your many gifts.  You will become secure within yourself and appreciate who you were always meant to be.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Harming Yourself–Sever Pathological Cord to Narcissistic Spouse

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When you remain married to a narcissistic personality and you have spent years psychologically dancing on hot coals for him or her, you are injuring yourself. It is not only highly unpleasant–which is a gross understatement–it is chronic misery and even torture to continue to share your life with this highly dysfunctional person who will not change. Don’t let him convince you in a moment of vulnerability that the life that you share with him/her is ever going to be any different. As the years roll by, it gets tougher because you are  becoming more exhausted from the cycle of abuse, distress to your psyche, a body and mind continually in fight or flight mode. Some spouses expect to be treated this way because they never had a different life experience starting in childhood. Being treated with disdain, cruelty and deception was part of everyday reality in their family. Life at home was unpredictable, could not be counted on to be steady and warm, was filled with wrenching criticisms and created deep personal feelings of psychological unsteadiness and free floating anxiety.

After leaving the family home and being relieved that the physical tie had loosened it didn’t take long for many of us to find ourselves hopelessly attracted to an individual who at first was so mesmerizing that we were reeling with excitement and runaway desire. If there is a strong sexual chemistry, the pull can be insurmountable. This is especially the case if the man or woman who will become the victim of a narcissist once again has not been able to work through narcissistic family issues and to recognize that they were abused throughout childhood and the years growing up.

We are drawn to what is familiar to us if we remain unconscious of the forces that lie below the surface of our life experience. We all have a tendency to repeat what is familiar even if it is disastrous to us. Marrying and re-marrying narcissistic spouses is a common thread that runs through the lives of many people.

For many, a series of moments accrue into an awakening—”What the hell am I doing to myself/” This man/woman doesn’t give a damn about me.” “He lives only for himself, lies continuously, exploits me, psychologically weakens me, baits me so that I can’t think straight, makes innumerable broken promises that I have believed in the past.” Finally this person awakens and realizes that the nightmare ride with the narcissist will have to stop—Now! No more of this hellish existence you say to yourself. Many victims of narcissists realize that they must stop harming themselves by severing the relationship with this person who is sucking the life out of them every moment they continue their involvement.

They gather their courage, make a firm commitment and specific plans to leave, make arrangements for a divorce, find an attorney who is up for the battle and be prepared to make the life changing transition from victim to victory of the self. This is not easy work but your emotional, psychological freedom and your physical health are worth all the effort. You will persevere and prevail. Reach out to people whom you trust and are with you for the full race and victory at the finish line and the beginning of your new life. You now know that you are entitled to the full use all of your gifts, to have access to your own thoughts and feelings without intrusion and to learn for the first time how to let down, to be at ease within your own being–body, mind and spirit.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Martyr Mother Controls through Guilt and Cunning

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You would never imagine that certain mothers who appear to give up their lives for their children and minister to others could be so malicious, destructive, even evil. When these narcissistic mothers are wearing their martyr robes, they are above reproach. Their selflessness cannot be questioned. She is admired by everyone within her social circle–other family members–aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces as well. . People look up to this selfless woman whom they view as a very devoted mother. She responds: “My children are my life, my top priority.” Indeed they are her focus for inflicting guilt, blame, relentless criticism and endless shame. The narcissistic mother is a master at inflicting guilt. Her children grow up convinced they are flawed, that there is something fundamentally very wrong about them and that they must obey or they will be severely punished and humiliated. These narcissistic mothers are extraordinarily cunning. Inside the home they are merciless. Their children don’t have room to breathe. Mother attempts to control their minds. These children always feel guilty because they are not perfect like she is. As hard as they try, her children can never measure up to mother’s perfection.  Narcissistic martyr mothers play an ugly psychological card giving their children the message that their mother’s emotional and health welfare depends on their absolute obedience to her. One message is that mother could become very ill if her children do not obey her. She reminds them that what others think of them and the family is sacred. Living in this home is like being in prison on lock down. The child of the narcissistic martyr mother is confined within his own mind to believe this woman. After all, he or she must survive. When a child appears to stray from mother’s strict rules of conduct and proper thinking, she punishes them by inflicting more guilt. In a cunning manner she pits one child against the next, telling the more vulnerable ones that they are not measuring up to the goodness of their siblings.

This is a very painful way to go through childhood as a psychological prisoner. Some children finally recognize that their narcissistic mother is highly disturbed and that they have been brainwashed. Some with the help of excellent professional therapy and their own personal inner work come to these realizations and begin the road back to healing their original selves–that part of them that has been waiting since the beginning to live in mental, emotional and psychological freedom, to express their feelings without fear or guilt, to use their unique creative gifts, to open themselves to the love and affection of others and to learn how to trust for the first time. This is a healing process that they will follow throughout their lives. They renew their lives each day in gratefulness, psychological freedom and the deep knowledge and appreciation of their unique authenticity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Divorcing Your Narcissistic Family

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Some families are so narcissistically toxic, being a part of this highly disturbed family tableau is intolerable. You have been a psychological punching bag most of your life. When one or both parents are narcissists together with one or two golden children, you are crowded out by egos so inflated that there is no room for you. As a young child you are at the mercy of these people from hell. What are you going to do? Walk out of the house at the age of five after you have been screamed out and pushed around most of your young life? You can’t. You have to stay because you are too young and vulnerable. Young children who grow up under these dire conditions are always in a state of siege. Some of them learn to become invisible among their own family members. The hide in their rooms and when they are older spend many hours in the homes of their friends.  Narcissistic mothers love to choose favorites–a son who is handsome, dynamic, talented, bright, cocksure of himself. He moves through the house, treating you like a slave. The scapegoated child is subject to varieties of cruelties by their parents and siblings. In some cases two siblings will get close so that they can make protect one another from constant verbal onslaughts, intimidations, jaw dropping humiliations that sear through the heart of a child.

As the abused child in a narcissistic family grows up it can be difficult to feel entitled to lead your own life, to stop blaming yourself for not fulfilling your parents’ delusional demands, for being imperfect. Even if you had been perfect—this is never enough for the narcissistic personality. If you don’t fit into their image that mirrors them and whom they have chosen, you can’t win. So stop trying. Seek your psychological and emotional freedom from your highly dysfunctional, abusive family.

Adult children who take this step are very courageous and deserve our respect. This is not easy but it is essential to separating out of your highly disturbed family of origin. Some find that excellent psychotherapy will help them. As you stop contact with your family from hell and grow away from them and recognize and appreciate your uniqueness and your creative gifts, you will begin to sense a stillness inside of yourself. You will learn to appreciate your uniqueness and discover there are others whom you meet that enjoy your company and your authenticity. This individuality of yours is delightful. You discover your humor, your joy, your capacity for loving others and receiving this in kind. Enjoy your freedom, your lovely heart, your great creative gifts, your growing evolving self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Spouses Busy Shattering Your Self Confidence-Demeaning You-Leading a Double Life

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Narcissists are exceedingly ruthless human beings. They move through life racing  toward their goals:complete control over others, the assertion of their perfection, psychologically destroying all of those including spouses, children, siblings who get in their way, creating narcissistic tintypes of their children, having multiple series of affairs, secretively putting joint monetary assets in their names and creating financial entities that protect their illegal deeds. When they are behind closed doors and no one from the outside can hear them, they dress you down like a naughty child. You are humiliated and demeaned constantly. Whatever you do for them is never enough and you are always accused of making mistakes even if you performance is perfect. God help you if you are a business partner with your narcissistic spouse. This is nightmarish since the narcissist spend his days lambasting you for everything that goes wrong–even the tiniest mistake. Often these errors are his fault. He adroitly shifts the blame on to you, screams ugly epithets in your face. Your reaction inside is intolerable psychological and emotional pain. In front of your eyes you are experiencing a monster, a man or woman who has morphed into the consummate charmer in public to an absolute fiend in private. Eventually the narcissistic spouse wears down your confidence in yourself. You feel emotionally depleted, deflated, spent. That is the deleterious effect of these toxic spouses. They don’t give a damn; they don’t have a conscience. If you don’t perform for them exactly as they wish, they will eventually dispose of you. They already have someone in mind with whom they will replace you (probably several).

Never underestimate the cold maliciousness of the narcissistic personality. Within him or her are the remnants of gruesome characters of the great atavistic themed novel “Lord of the Flies”.  This Darwinian tale is an archetype of the most primitive core of mankind. Within the narcissist we feel and experience this “lets rip everyone to shreds” attitude. Much of our current society today shares these “values.” They may do it quietly with elegant manners but the effect is the same. They have gutted out your life and left you with nothing.

Learn as much as you can about the venal nature of the narcissistic personality. Once you have seen the horror and darkness of their core structure you will muster the courage to break away and escape from your imprisonment.  Remember who you were before you encountered the big N. If you have people around you that you can trust, form a support group even if it is one other person. The knowledge that you have about the true nature of the narcissistic personality is powerful. Now you know that you are not to blame, that you deserve respect not psychological battering and sadistic humiliations. Create a plan to gather all of your resources together to sever your toxic relationship with your narcissistic spouse.

You are not alone. There are countless others who have broken the bonds and are proceeding with their lives. Develop a strong sense of self entitlement. Learn to still your mind so that you think clearly and have access to one of the greatest gifts—your intuition. You are going to win back your peace, sense of control over your life, your confidence in your self, feelings of emotional security and the beautiful smile you have deep inside that is struggling to come to the surface.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

No One Believes You—Psychological Damage Caused by Narcissistic Parent

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There is a theme that runs through responses that I receive from children of a narcissistic parent(s). The child is subjected to unbearable levels of ongoing abuse–scalding criticisms, withering humiliations in front of other family members and alone, routine secret physical beatings and other horrendous acts of brutality including psychological and literal abandonment. When the child lets family members know what is happening to him, this person is not believed. When the victim of a narcissist tells the truth about his dreadful pathological parent, he is not treated with kindness or understanding. The family is shocked; the victim is treated with disdain and often told he/she is the sick one or that this is all lies to get attention. The narcissistic mother or father gets a complete pass. A masterful coverup takes place and remains ongoing. The child victims become family pariahs. Often the suggestion is whispered that they belong in a psychiatric institution or are in need of intensive psychotherapy.

In some cases the narcissistic abuse has been so severe that the victim needs to work with an excellent psychotherapist to deal with the painful aftermath of surviving a narcissistic parent. The child of the narcissist is doubly abused—Once throughout childhood and another round when he or she tells the truth about the narcissistic parent. After all the entire family must keep the secret intact especially if the narcissist is highly successful, has a high profile, is generous monetarily with certain family members or cravenly sets one child against the other. Does the narcissistic parent feel any guilt about what he has done to his children. Certainly not! He does not have a conscience. If the marriage and the kids don’t work out, he/she moves on to the next opportunity. What about a younger prettier wife with whom he can make more perfect children? Whom does he think he is? a god? The answer is Yes! These individuals are despicable especially when they disrupt and in some cases destroy their children’s’ lives.

Many children of narcissistic parents do survive although they have suffered horribly. They are courageous individuals who never give up even when they feel like they can’t go one more step. They learn the lessons of survival well. Many of them become hypervigalent and suffer from anxiety and depression. Many benefit from highly skilled empathic psychotherapy and other healing modalities: gentle yoga, a form of meditation that works for you, journaling, exercise that you enjoy and spending time with Nature.

I want you to know that I Believe You. I know what you have endured. You are courageous. You deserve to lead the life that was given to you originally. Keep healing. You are taking the path less traveled–the one with fewer travelers, the way that has deep meaning. Here you will find the peace that you have sought all of your life.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Misongynistic Narcissistic Husbands Full of Self Loathing

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“Misogyny … is a central part of sexist prejudice and ideology and…is an important basis for the oppression of females…” (There are women who are misogynistic toward other women.)

The narcissistic husband is convinced that he is superior to his wife. His self appointed role is to control her emotionally, psychologically, mentally. This may not what appears on the surface. Socially skilled narcissistic men appear to adore women. They charm them, wine and dine them, give them surprise gifts, offer effusive compliments and successfully seduce them. Some women become so entranced by narcissistic boyfriends that they marry them. After a honeymoon period that lasts varying lengths of time, the narcissist’s true nature emerges. (You may have had strong hints of the dark nature of the NPD before the wedding.)

When their volcanic rage is spewing forth, telling their spouses how inferior they are, how they constantly make dreadful mistakes, insult their intelligence, throw verbal barbs in rapid succession and wear you down with constant attacks on you as a person–a woman, you are in a state of fight or flight. This internal chaos inside of you can become chronic. You never feel at peace. You celebrate those times when your narcissistic husband is taking business trips or out with friends. You dread his presence and find ways to elude  him. But as long as you are married to this man, you are subject to his abuse. It is very difficult to tune out the thunderous tirades. He is the ultimate hypocrite. In public he is a prince of a man. He is respected even venerated by some. You are congratulated at social and business events for choosing such an extraordinary man as your spouse.He’s getting the applause; you have the headaches, stomach aches, anxiety and depression.

Deep in the unconscious, the narcissistic husband is filled with self loathing and lives in a bleak, empty internal world. He is inauthentic and psychologically depleted. The narcissist, incapable of insight or introspection or empathy, is frantically searching his outer world for the psychological supplies that will fill his bottomless needs. He seeks others who venerate, even worship him. They provide him with constant praise, making him feel good. If he is a high level narcissist, others come to him to worship at his throne.

This dynamic is very different when you are married to narcissistic husband. Out of his public image and within the privacy of his home, this man is an ugly misogynistic tyrant. He thunders, bellows, screams through the house. He comes close to your face and you feel his foul breath and his disgusting words pierce your eardrums: “You are downright stupid. Women–they are idiots!” “My father was right. They are only good for sex and babies if you want them.. Otherwise, forget it.” “You cause me so much stress I can’t bear it.” (Actually the reverse is true. Narcissistic husbands cause spouses to be in a constant state of fight or flight; their nervous systems are continually on the alert. These ugly scenes occur year after year, decade after decade.

The narcissistic husband continually spews his unconscious venom on to you, his wife. This abuse will not stop. He hates himself but has put you in his place. These projections will continue. He is incapable of insight, true remorse, introspection or empathy. Remember, he is the ultimate bully and hypocrite.

Some abused wives of misogynistic narcissists dissolve their marriages. This divorce course can be difficult but I often hear positive reports from ex wives of narcissists that are very positive. These women are now free. No husband is accusing them of being inferior or treating them this way. They have inner peace which is invaluable. They re-discover their creative gifts. They renew their relationship with themselves and find relationships that are genuine and meaningful. You deserve and are entitled to be your authentic self and to choose how you wish you live each day and to look forward to each day.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.