Stop Blaming Yourself for Your Narcissistic Mother

All of your life you have been exposed to the psychopathology of your narcissistic mother. As a small child is it very unlikely that you realized that your mother was a serious personality disorder. These mothers are cruel to their children directly and indirectly. They constantly criticize, demean and undermine their children.The only exception are the chosen daughters and sons who become the golden child monster children.

Many adult children of narcissistic mothers have internalized toxic projections of this highly disturbed parent. They believe that they are defective and at fault. Narcissistic siblings unite with the mother and reinforce these feelings of being at fault, not being good enough, never adding up, ruining the family image. When adult children research the narcissistic literature they are surprised to learn that it is the narcissistic mother who is to blame not the child. Many of these adult children go on a quest to discover who they really are. They discover insights into their true natures. They learn to appreciate their individuality and gifts. Many of them separate physically and emotionally from the narcissist mother. They will no longer be stunted, blocked, brutalized, criticized and undermined by this person even though it is your mother. It is your decision to remain connected with the NM and whether to separate from this person who is psychologically toxic.

There are many ways to heal from the narcissistic mother that include practices of quieting the mind, hatha yoga, creative writing, walking meditation, making a companion of Nature. At this point you appreciate yourself as a solid, individuated person. Celebrate you freedom and your life. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses—Using You Up to the Max

I hear life stories every day about women and men who believed that the person they married genuinely loved them. What they didn’t know was that this individual was a narcissistic personality and that made all the difference. One of the common themes is for the non-narcissistic spouse to begin to see the psychological and emotional cracks in the partnership quite early. She overrides these observations and makes a greater effort to be more understanding and patient with her spouse. Inside she blames herself for letting her partner down. She takes the burden of her spouse’s severe pathology upon herself. (I am using the feminine gender since statistically most narcissists are still males–but the females are growing in numbers). There are some “good times” that are cherished by the spouse. She continues to believe that she can “fix the marriage.” She doesn’t understand the true dark nature of the narcissist. Why would she? Her assumption is that most people are genuine, honest and caring and that the marriage is a true partnership. Narcissists don’t marry—they create arrangements that work for them.

As the marriage deteriorates the narcissists makes more outrageous demands on his spouse. The bouts of bottomless rage increase. The recriminations and accusations are stepped up. If you have children, the narcissist is a father in name only. Often he portrays himself as a workaholic while he is having affairs on the side. He is a man of many identities—a consummate actor who always gets what he wants. Narcissists can exploit their partner to the breaking point. They don’t care if you are weak, exhausted, ill, depressed, anxious or desperate. They will use and abuse to the max. And when they are finished they will discard you. This can end in a very ugly divorce where the injured spouse is left with almost no financial resources. The narcissist has planned in advance and cunningly whisked them away.

Your marriage to a narcissist does not have to end this way. Identify these individuals as early as possible. Make your own plans to free yourself from them. Keep your exit strategy to yourself. Gather your support group around you–It only takes one loving person to help you through this ordeal and passed it to freedom.
Pay close attention to your intuition. Do not override this invaluable gift. It will tell you exactly who this person is whom you married. There is an indomitable spirit inside of you that is strong, steady and sure. Listen to that internal voice. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You are Stronger and More Genuine than Your Narcissistic Spouse

In the midst of listening to a narcissistic spouse screaming in your ear during one of his many tantrums, you wonder if you can take it anymore. You have been worn down by the daily verbal attacks, put downs and criticisms of your partner. At first many spouses believe that they can change their narcissistic partners. They make helpful suggestions, research how to create a happy, healthy marriage. Above all they give so much of themselves to solving the marital issues with the narcissist. Many non-narcissistic spouses go to couples therapy. The narcissist if he/she attends is inclined to sabotage the entire process. In some cases the narcissist convinces the therapist that his marital partner is unstable and flips this professional to his side. This is a nightmare. I do not recommend couples therapy with a narcissistic spouse. In many instances if there are financial assets involved the narcissist want to continue the relationship formally so that he can maintain his lifestyle and and not give the spouse her due. Narcissistic spouses use clever accountants to hide their monetary worth so that if a divorce eventually occurs there is nothing left for the non-narcissistic spouse. I hear these painful life stories frequently. They are exceedingly cruel.In the meantime the narcissist has found someone else to impress and draw into his web. This person will become another victim.

When you recognize that you are married to a narcissist through your research, by means of good psychotherapy and your fine intuition, it is time to take action. You cannot reveal to your partner that he is a narcissist. It is highly inflammatory (even if it if the truth). The narcissist will throw this in your face and call you histrionic and unstable.

As you research the narcissistic personality disorder, you will recognize the person to whom you are married.
Do not be judgmental with yourself. You could not have known that this person was a narcissist. They conceal their pathology so skillfully and the narcissistic society gives them every opportunity to activate their grandiosity, self entitlement, ruthlessness and chronic lying.

You win against the narcissist by identifying and standing by your solid, strong self. You hold the truth-the narcissist lives in delusion not attached to reality. Your genuineness is a powerful part of your personality that keeps you grounded. You care about understanding yourself and are empathic with others. These are great strengths that you hold to while severing yourself from the relationship with the narcissist and for the rest of your life. When you are free of this burden you will expand your creativity, deepen your sense of peace and expand your consciousness. You are deeply in touch with yourself—that wonderful human being you were always meant to be. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Toxic Narcissistic Couples—Sever these Relationships

When two high level narcissists become a couple and join forces they increase their power among those who are vulnerable to their many seductions. Narcissists don’t have relationships—they make deals that will create lucrative connections. They plot their rise to power. They have no mental limitations to their goals. They don’t have the burden of conscience or compassion to slow down their progress. Their “show” always goes on despite the psychological pain, angst, even emotional collapse they have caused family members, including their own children. They don’t carry within them the empathy, which would take up their valuable time. They have perfected a pseudo empathy which is believable. They use this act successfully with those in their inner circle from whom they extract more narcissistic supplies.

Many narcissistic power couples hate one another’s guts. Behind closed doors they battle and bruise one another. When it’s show time, they put on the elaborate makeup and costumes of their irresistible personas. They are masterful at interacting with people who will be highly impressed with them, to the point of becoming followers and members of their many social/business circles.

Learn to identify narcissistic couples quickly. Protect yourself from their allure and empty promises. Sever these pseudo relationships. They are psychologically toxic. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife..com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Wait for Your Narcissistic Spouse to Change

The narcissistic personality is fixed and impervious to change. Many of those who are on the receiving end of these “relationships” keep holding out the hope that if they fulfill the narcissist’s demands and wishes, he or she will change their controlling, abusive behavior.

Time after time the injured spouse goes to therapy to re-do herself, to learn to become more patient and understanding. In some cases if the spouse goes to the wrong therapist, she will be pressured to believe that the problem is within the client’s psyche. Some therapists assume that people who come to them are responsible for the problems in the marital relationship. They ask: “What are you doing that is irritating your husband/wife?” “How can you be more understanding?” “Why don’t you learn how to give a little?” Fortunately there are many excellent clinical professionals who are keenly aware of the psychological sabotage that the narcissistic spouse projects on his partner. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful and enlightening to the spouse who is considering leaving the marriage. The client comes face to face with the fact that he/she is married to a narcissistic personality disorder who is not going to change. She/he gets the message that the failed marriage is not all her fault. It is not possible to have a genuine marital union with a narcissist

Narcissists are conditioned early. As small children they are taught directly or indirectly that it is perfectly fine to believe that your are superior to others, that you can manipulate and exploit anyone who is an obstacle to your goal, that a perfect image trumps substance, that being ruthless and careless with the feelings of others is essential to success. Empathy and developing a conscience is not part of the budding narcissist’s vocabulary. They are given free reign to trample over others to win. Winning for the narcissist is everything. This parental influence becomes deeply embedded in the psychic structure of the growing narcissist. This disorder is fixed, rigid and disinclined to change.

If you are involved with a narcissistic partner or married to one, know that this individual will not change.  Stop making yourself sick over their constant spewing of toxic projections, their put downs, their verbal sabotage, their putrid secrets, their explotive deeds.

Take your life in your hands. Create a support group with a few individuals whom you trust. It can be one person with whom you can communicate. Think carefully about your own welfare for a change. Practice taking good care of yourself–for many victims of narcissistic abuse this is the first time in their lives that they are putting themselves first. . Appreciate and develop your many creative gifts. Embrace the beauty of your individuality and authenticity. Your healing process has begun. Let it flow, deepen and expand.

 

You deserve to lead a full rich life on your terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Predatory Narcissists—Stop Feeling Sorry for Them

When a narcissist has come a hair’s breath from destroying your life psychologically and emotionally, the focus must be on you and your welfare. Yes, it is tragic that most narcissists as children were conditioned to become cold, fraudulent false selves without empathy or conscience. But we must think about the incredible number of people they harm throughout their lives. One narcissists can emotionally endanger hundreds of individuals in very short order. First they don’t have a conscience that slows us down.We think about the consequences to others before we act. We make every effort not to hurt others.

The narcissist leaves people discarded, alone, psychologically injured, emotionally desperate and immobilized without a twinge of conscience. While you spend you nights staring at the ceiling with your guts roiling and your mind torturing you, the narcissist is fast asleep. He doesn’t have a conscience—his only concern is about getting caught.

Narcissists are predatory—they know when we are vulnerable and will be receptive to their wiles, baits and seductions. Their timing is impeccable–they are so cunning. When all else fails they play on your empathy and use every trick to pull you back into their delusional life. They want to possess you and control you. Many women get caught up in this self destructive cycle that can become a life pattern.

Learn everything you can about the true predatory nature of the narcissists in all of his masks, using every trick in the the book and more. You will recognize what he is doing—tricking you to fuse with him again–sending you off on a detour that interrupts your life. The narcissist is unconcerned about what his intrusions are doing to you. He is a demanding, petulant child who knows exactly what he wants right now and will not be denied.

Trust your true self and honor it. You have been through a difficult life passage. You are entitled to lead a life where you are the author. Your destiny is to continue to evolve, to use all of your creative gifts, to give and receive love and to help yourself and others to find inner peace. To learn about the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

One Narcissist Causes Pain to an Entire Family

If you know the narcissistic personality disorder well, especially if you have divorced one of these individuals or been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent, you know that this one person can cause extreme stress and psychological pain among the members of an entire family. (This blog refers to male and female narcissists).  Everyone victimized by the narcissist’s destructive traits-chronic lying, deception, betrayal, manipulation, exploitation, emotional sabotage–is

aware of the severe damage that this highly pathological individual can wreak. Narcissists do not care who you are–a stranger, an acquaintance, a close family member, even a child. If you get in their way, they will intimidate, threaten and retaliate if you buck their wills of steel. Some family members make excuses for these horrific people. “Oh that’s just the way he/she  is a perfectionist.” But he is so bright and accomplished–cut him some slack.” I don’t think so when this person is running roughshod over the minds, hearts and psyches of those closest to him. No one person has the right to invade your boundaries, demean you, humiliate you or taunt and terrorize you. I don’t care what this individual has accomplished in the world, how much power he wields, or the size of his material largess.

We are at a time now when narcissists are applauded because they are so driven—yes they move ahead trampling on everyone else. This is despicable behavior that not be tolerated. Those who have suffered under this treacherous treatment write about the terrors and tortures they have endured under the sadism of one narcissist. This happens all of the time but most people remain unaware of the severe psychological and emotional damage this one highly disturbed person has caused.

Research and become fully aware of the true nature of the narcissistic personality psychopathology. If you have a havoc wreaking narcissist in your family, you may have to make a 180 degree turn away and sever the relationship. This can be very  difficult but remember this severe personality disorder does not change.

The quality of your life–psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual–is invaluable. This is where you place your primary attention—on your self care.

Make sure that you get the sleep that you need and deserve. Take up the practice of gentle yoga which puts you in the calming part of the nervous system that brings peace and feelings of well being. Acupuncture also leads to a state of deep quiet. Exercising the way that works for you is strengthening.  Focusing on your unique creativity is an essential part of your healing. You will recover and prevail to lead the life that you deserve.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

 

 

Covert Narcissists: Martyrs in Sackcloth–Endless Pity Parties

Covert narcissists are so clever that they fool most people. They are like skilled double agents, trained to the highest level. They present themselves as humble, self-effacing and lacking entitlement. They praise you excessively, telling your how attractive you are, how much you have accomplished. They admire you–“I could never have achieved what you have done. You are talented and brilliant and beautiful besides.” These comments roll out of their mouths like watching your streaming breath on a cold winter night. They put you on the highest pedestal. They have never met anyone like you. They feel so lucky and are in awe. Many women lap this up because the level of acting is high. Covert narcissists have their scripts down to every gesture and word nuance. They know when you are at your most vulnerable and take advantage with perfect timing.

If you become involved with a covert narcissist and something goes wrong–he/she is not getting everything he wants, he will play the martyr in sackcloth role. “I have given you myself unconditionally and look how you have hurt me. I can’t take this kind of abuse.” You might as well reverse these words because it is the covert narcissist who has eclipsed your life, made outrageous demands, who constantly lies, breaks promises and humiliates you. And then there is the pseudo self pity. “I thought my life had changed when I met you. You make things so hard for me. You are so demanding I can’t stand it. You married me to get ahold of my money and leave me for someone else” There are too many pity parties to count. Some spouses and partners of covert narcissists feel guilty and believe that this person is the victim and that they must do everything they can (even if it disrupts their life horribly) to soothe and give in to the covert narcissist’s bottomless “needs.” These “needs” mean constant worship and adulation, jumping the minute he makes irrational demands, believing his chronic lies, returning for more verbal abuse, allowing him to exhaust your psychological and sometimes financial resources.

Take the time to learn how to quickly recognize the covert narcissist and to keep him out of your life. If he/she is part of your life now and you realize who this person really is, seriously think about severing this relationship. Take care of yourself first—the covert narcissist is only watching out for himself despite his sackcloth and ashes and endless pity parties. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Spouses Married to Narcissists—Step out of the Misery Role

There are many material perks to being married to a narcissist who is successful in his/her career. There is the image that you were chosen by this accomplished, bright, socially skilled person to be his partner. Many spouses are swept into this role. Eventually the dazzle and bling for many begins to fade and the person married to the narcissist recognizes the down side of this pseudo relationship. As you live with this person you recognize that he has a dark side that is selfish, cruel, cold, calculating, vindictive, exploitive, deceptive. Many non-narcissistic spouses decide by default that they must live in misery with this individual. Some of them have grown up in narcissistic families as scapegoats and targets of chronic verbal abuse. They spent their childhoods being criticized, demeaned, humiliated and projected upon. They were blamed for things they never did. A narcissistic brother or sister was always able to convince the narcissistic parent that the victim was the perpetrator. Children growing up in this family constellation feel helpless, frightened and that they are unworthy of leading a happy life. They are always anticipating misery since that is what they known from the beginning. It is not unusual for these individuals to repeat the childhood pattern by marrying a narcissist.And the nightmare begins anew. The abuse is horrendous but familiar to them. They expected to be treated cruelly and dismissively. That is what they know.

In many cases the non-narcissistic spouse wakes up and realizes that she/he has been play the part of the victim all of her life. She begins to feel that she deserves so much more: inner peace, affection, being understood and cherished, growth of her creative gifts. Eventually these victims discover that they are married to narcissistic personalities who are not going to change. But they are—They become more independent, begin to appreciate their individuality, participate in good psychotherapy and join support groups. They finally recognize that they are worth it—a valuable unique individual and step out of the Misery Role. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Let Your Narcissistic Mother Take You Down Again

Narcissistic mothers have more than nine lives. When they convince you they are weak and vulnerable and you are so worried about them that you can’t sleep at night, that’s when they strike. If you go to visit them to bring whatever they must have, they look at you dismissively as if to say: “Why are you here?” or “You never come to visit me. What do you want from me this time?” No matter what you do for a narcissistic mother it will never be enough. Even when you are the child in the family who has been most devoted toward her with your actions that take away you time and energy when other siblings will not share the burden, these narcissistic mothers will talk behind your back to her other children. They are so cruel. This is because they have a severe personality disorder that you can’t cure. They are not going to change. You can find ways to cope with them if you can remain psychologically detached. This is a tall order and takes a lot of training and discipline. When you were a child it was hellish growing up with your narcissistic mother screaming at your dad all of the time. It broke your heart to watch him cower with fear like a small child himself. But he kept coming back for more. Growing up with a narcissistic mother carries a pain all of its own. If you haven’t experienced it, it is hard to explain. There is neglect, abuse, control, rage, dismissiveness and the absolute knowledge the child has that she/he will never be good enough to meet mother’s standards.

After going through these battles for so many years and paying the price—psychological, physical health issues, marital problems of your own caused by these dynamics, it could be time to say:”Enough” I will not let her pull me back down again into this intolerable inner place. I don’t deserve this. My focus needs to be on healing and becoming individuated from my mother—psychologically separate from her. This can be done. It is not easy. Sometimes contact has to be severed. In other cases there is minimal contact with rules that involve being treated with respect.

In the aftermath of making this change in your life, whatever form it takes, begin to look up rather than down. Begin with small steps–allow yourself to enjoy something each day that you love to do. Got out into your yard or look at the birds that inhabit the spaces around you. Take a walk with a friend. Develop a few relationships with people who are capable of hearing you and helping you make this transition of movement toward separating from mother. Look at all of your creative gifts. Start to use them now. Begin without being judgmental. Learn to quiet the mind through meditation or gentle yoga. Some form of aerobic exercise helps in these transitions. Aerobics makes you strong and increases your endorphins and aids sleep. Write down your thoughts and feelings. This is a freeing experience and a very creative one. Be patient with the healing process. The self is always in the process of growth. Take the obstacles out of the way and it will happen. Have faith in yourself to do this. Don’t be judgmental. Give yourself the warmth and tolerance you are always giving to others. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenaricssistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com