Sons and Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

I have been getting emails from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers for a long time. These life stories are moving; they are filled with expressions of deep psychological pain experienced over many decades. In so many instances these children have suffered deprivation and psychological and emotional abuse of all kinds since they were small children. Narcissistic mothers cannot love their children. Some of these mothers appear to have a deep devotion to their child. In these cases the narcissistic mother finds certain qualities and talents in her child that can be developed to enhance her image and provide her with an unending source of bragging rights and narcissistic supplies. Having a gorgeous daughter, academically gifted son or daughter, standout athlete, pumps up the family image of perfection and high achievement. The narcissistic mother watches everyone turning to her as the source of such extraordinary progeny.

In this post I am speaking directly to those adult children of narcissistic mothers who are still suffering from the mother wound—the legacy of having a parent who is incapable of love, who cares only about herself and exploits and controls her children to satisfy her rapacious ego needs. I am reaching out to those who grew up in this highly dysfunctional and hurtful family constellation to stop blaming yourselves for the cruelties, coldness and traumas heaped upon you by your narcissistic mother. No matter what sacrifice you make, how many times you turn yourself inside out and relinquish the sanctity of your life, you cannot change your narcissistic parent.

What you can do is begin to recognize your own value as an individual who has endured and survived a very brutal childhood. Don’t expect most people to understand how deeply you have suffered. I find that very few individuals comprehend the pain of others unless they have consciously experienced deprivation and psychological pain in their childhoods and have worked hard with will and perseverance to unlock and heal these childhood traumas through quality psychotherapy or other healing modalities. You are no longer alone as you were as a small child at the mercy of a narcissistic mother. You now have options and pathways to transform psychological pain, to heal and move forward to lead the life that you deserve—-filled with insight, creativity, compassion, joy and inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email
: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Protect Yourself from the Narcissist’s Venom

Dealing with narcissistic family members is exceedingly difficult. After all, these are our brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, grandparents. We grew up with these individuals. In many instances we share a common gene pool. Even if we don’t, they are part of our family constellation. This thinking is ingrained in most of us, particularly when we were are very young. It is like breathing—father, mother, sister, brother—kin. We are told directly and indirectly to trust our family members. These are the people we can always count on. This is society’s message. But this is not always the truth about our closest relatives, especially if they are narcissists.

If we have narcissistic family members, we can count on this: they are narcissists first and family members, second, third, fourth–often last. This is a difficult and painful truth for those who suffer at their mercy and keep blaming themselves that their narcissistic brother or sister or parent(s) label them–defective, stupid, inept, worthless, naive, even evil.

The narcissist is a master of projection.We all have character deficits but when we are constantly berated with every step and move by the narcissist, we can be sure it is his/her projection. A projection is an unconscious defense mechnism in which the narcissist psychologically ejects his own self hatred and self loathing on to someone else. The highly charged, toxic unconscious feelings the narcissist has about himself are projected on to the sibling, parent, child or other victims who receive and internalize the venom.

Don’t take the bait or ingest the venom. Learning how to specifically identify narcissistic family members will open your eyes wide. Protect and distance yourself from them. Narcissists have neither psychological limits nor boundaries. Be clear about your own boundaries and do not allow yourself to be overrun by the narcissist. Build up your psychological immune system with your knowledge of narcissists, understanding and respect for your unique autonomy and developing strategies for quieting your mind and body as well as increasing your self assertion skills. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email
: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The Narcissist Wants You To Fail

Although he/she has succeeded greatly in the world and wields power there and controls his “intimates,” inside the narcissist feels empty and helpless. He obsessively watches the victories of others and is secretly envious. He despises the success of others. After all, he’s top dog, the king in his counting house. Why is your star rising? It’s a mistake, a fluke. If you are a sibling, spouse or ex-spouse of a narcissist, develop specific knowledge and maintain a keen awareness of the narcissist’s inner psychological workings. Get acquainted with his/her specific MO. The narcissist may throw bouquets of compliments to you as a ploy to take you off guard. Don’t buy into these fake ego boosters. He wants something from you that will be valuable to him: power access, social/business contacts, creative ideas. If you don’t give him what he wants, he could throw a two year old type tantrum. He is waiting for you to be intimidated by this kind of a response. He is gleeful at the thought of scaring and shocking you. It is time to disappoint him and to take the reins of your life in your capable hands.

Stop seeking the narcissist’s approval–it’s a losing battle, a waste of time, energy and a source of stress and distress. Even if you were perfect with a capital P, it will never be enough for the narcissist. Part of solving this puzzle is to “approve of yourself.” Come out of the shadow of your narcissistic family member. His/her knowing that you will no longer be the victim and recipient of his abuse is a powerful arrow in your quiver. On an unconscious level, the narcissist knows that you are on to his act. You’re not buying it anymore. You are not part of his audience. You are writing and directing your own life. Taking these steps is the beginning of freeing yourself from the narcissist’s empty power. Reclaim and celebrate the life you were given; make the most of every moment. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Loathesome Narcissistic Daughters

There are narcissistic daughters who dictatorially rule over their entire families:mothers,fathers,siblings,grandparents,etc. They treat their parents like stupid lowly servants, who tremble when they bark out commands. One psychological scenario occurs when the parents of the future narcissistic daughter are both borderline personalities. Borderlines area characterized by their fear of abandonment, boundary issues, unstable psyches, dependency, lack of self confidence, emotional over reactions and lack of psychological insight. Borderlines are subject to wide swings in mood and emotionally and psychological fuse with those close to them like spouses. The budding female narcissist enters the picture when this couple has its first born. In this case example, it is a girl named Caterina. From the beginning Caterina is catered to. As an infant her mother ministers to her needs with consistency and care. By the age of eighteen months it is very clear that little Caterina is running the household. Mother and father make no effort to create boundaries of appropriate behavior for their child. Whenever Caterina wants something, she open her mouth, screams wildly, and instantly receives it—morning,noon and night. There are no rules in this household. Caterina is treated like a queen to be obeyed not a dependent child of parents who love her and act as consistent guides in her development. By three the first of her sisters arrived and Caterina becomes more enrage and self entitled. She is very cruel to her younger sister and neither parent intervenes to explain that she cannot act out her rage on the much younger sibling. By this time Caterina is in charge of the household, intimidating her parents. Whatever Caterina wants, she gets, regardless of her insensitivity to her younger sibling or her highly disrespectful behavior to her parents. Caterina has not been taught to treat others with respect. She has never learned that anyone else mattered or even existed in the world, except herself. Her parents have placed her on a high immovable throne where they worship their budding narcissistic daughter.

As a full blown narcissist, Caterina is still ruling the roost. Although she lives halfway across the country from her family and has a husband and children of her own, she directs and rules on family matters from her domain. Recently, she insisted on making decisions about her grandmother’s assisted living care. It is Caterina not her father or mother who is in the driver’s seat. Why would Caterina be so closely involved with a grandmother she doesn’t give a damn about. You guessed it—her grandmother’s inheritance. Caterina turned on the charm with subtle pressure in more recent years and grandmother has made “her decision” to leave over seventy five percent of her estate to Caterina. Never doubt the venality and greed of a narcissistic personality, especially when relatives with monetary assets are involved. For more information that will help you to specifically identify and assist you in successfully dealing with narcissists in your family and beyond, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Brother-Cock of the Walk

“Cock of the Walk” derives from the middle english, meaning a person who dominates others with his (her) overbearing manner. This describes many male narcissists who treat their brother(s) in humiliating and intimidating ways, constantly pouring vinegar into your open psychological wounds. Whether older or younger the narcissistic brother takes control of the household very early. He was always the attention getter, the One, the overwhelming presence. In many family scenarios he is mother or father’s favorite. From the beginning he is not taught to be aware or sensitive to other’s feelings. His parents give him the green light and tell him directly and indirectly that he is extraordinary Male siblings of narcissistic brothers describe their fear and trembling in the presence of their brother. Frequently, the parent(s) is unaware of the narcissist’s manipulation of them and the other children in the family. The narcissistic brother is often a bully who routinely terrorizes his brothers and sisters. I hear these stories frequently from the narcissist’s victims: “He was always cruel, made fun of me. ” “He lied and told dad that I stole something or hit a kid at school. My brother is a bully, pure and simple.” “He can get away with anything.”

The narcissistic brother will never stop abusing you. Narcissists are very unlikely to change. They are wildly rewarded for their grandiosity, extreme self confidence and for their cruel domination of others. I have heard first hand accounts of narcissistic brothers who turn treacherous and convince other family members that their brother is mentally and psychologically unstable. Often these brothers become the executors of the family estate, especially if there are large assets involved. They pretend to be attentive to the living mother or father for the purpose of brainwashing them into controlling the will and the trusts.

Narcissistic brothers get a perverse joy from digging at their siblings. They demean and humiliate their brother, embarrassing them in public or among other family members and friends. They take joy in inducing wounds–they are mercilessly sadistic, even treacherous. When you tell others about your narcissistic brother, don’t be surprised if you are not believed. Many people live in delusion, never wanting to face what is darkest in another because they cannot face their own psychological shadows.

In many cases the targeted brother must make a move to sever his ties with his toxic family member. Painful as this action can be, it is an opportunity for the once victimized sibling to break free from this narcissist and assert and celebrate his unique identity. For many this represents a personal transformation, a great victory! Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

No One Can Destroy You Psychologically II

If you survived your childhood—and that is a very tall order for many abused, neglected and deprived children— no one can psychologically harm you.It usually takes most of us a number of painful experiences to come to this realization. After all what we had to do to remain alive emotionally and psychologically meant that we had to become invisible, pretend who we weren’t, cower in a corner and hope that we would not be hit, hide from our parents at friends’ houses, disappear into libraries to escape the horrors of home and fill our minds with useful intellectual information. Libraries become a place of refuge for many children. In books we enter a world of enchantment where we can be transported to other worlds and away from the constant psychological pain of our dysfunctional families.

Those who have suffered abuse and neglect often choose as partners, individuals who will continue these kinds of behaviors. We are drawn back to what was familiar to us,even though it made our lives intolerable. Many children learn very early that they are unworthy of kindness or empathy. They become inured to cruelty and neglect. As they grow up they unconsciously expect this kind of treatment from others, including prospective partners.

At some point victims of emotional and psychological abuse wake up. Maybe the last time of being humiliated and shamed and even struck in the face by a spouse or partner was the last straw. They say to themselves: “I will not take this kind of treatment ever again.” This time they mean it and begin their journey toward healing and wholeness. No one can harm or destroy you psychologically. Learn to appreciate that you are a valuable unique human being who deserves respect and the reciprocation of love and appreciation. Send this message to others who are still suffering and trapped in this old cycle of abuse. Your life has begun anew—Keep your light shining day and night. You deserve to live with a spacious calm mind, the reciprocation of love and friendship and deep inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Project Self Loathing on to Spouses

From the classic descriptions of narcissists you would think that they are in love with themselves. They are supremely self entitled, self absorbed, grandiose, greedy and seek praise and adulation from those who act as their servants. Their self image is uppermost in their minds. Many of them appear to be externally impeccable. Those who are uninformed believe that the narcissist is an extraordinary human being. This is especially the case if the narcissist is a high achiever in business, entertainment, professional sports, politics, etc.

The truth deep down is that the narcissist unconsciously loathes himself or herself. The narcissist is unaware of these feelings of self hatred and psychological emptiness. Rather he projects these noxious overpowering feelings and beliefs as primitive projections on those closest to him, his spouse. Those wed to the narcissist or partnered with him get the brunt of his unrestricted volcanic rage, accusations, humiliations, verbal assaults. In this way the narcissist gets rid of the excess of psychological poison in him and ejects it on to someone else. (and never holds himself accountable for the severe pain this causes). Often those married to narcissists put up with the abuse, thinking that they deserve to be treated with such menace and disdain. Spouses make excuses for their mates “Oh, he’s under so much stress, he slipped and got out of control—It won’t happen again.” They tell themselves and even believe that the narcissist will change. This is not the case. Narcissistic personality disorder is a fixed character structure that is very unlikely to change. The projections of self hatred in the form of noxious abuse will continue. The narcissist is not in touch with the unconscious facets of himself/herself. As long as there is a human receptacle available, his self hatred will be spewed in that direction.

If you can’t take the abuse any longer, you can make the decision to detach yourself emotionally from your spouse or to permanently leave the relationship. Think carefully and study in depth about the narcissist’s personality structure and how it operates. Stop blaming yourself. You don’t deserve to live in misery and a constant state of siege. To learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: http://www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com/

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon and amazon kindle edition

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You are Evolving—The Narcissist is Regressing

The narcissist with his/her elaborate image of smooth self confidence, excessive self entitlement and an ability to manipulate others to bend to his will, appears to moving ahead in life at full speed. Continually in restless movement, making one business deal after another, influencing social and professional associates to invest in his projects, having a list of followers who admire and praise him, one would think that he/she is progressing at warp speed. If we judge the narcissist by his level of activity, it appears that he is always accelerating toward greater success.

Inside the narcissist’s psyche, this individual is a false deluded self. The real self of the narcissist is regressed back to early childhood. When we observe the narcissist at very close range, we are aware of this profound regression.This is evident from their attitudes and behaviors. The narcissistic rage that pours forth from them, the lack of psychological boundaries that overstep respect for others, the ruthlessness to obtain what he wants and must have at great price to others, the complete lack of empathy, the constant acts of deception, the lack of conscience—all of these traits tell us about the narcissist’s true nature. The narcissistic personality is a fixed personality disorder that is most unlikely to changed. At their core they are incapable in getting in touch with their authentic selves and therefore of evolving and moving toward psychological growth.

Those who have been involved with the narcissist—as children of a narcissistic parent, siblings of narcissistic brothers and sisters, married to and divorced by narcissistic spouses—have experienced a horrendous long ordeal at the mercy of the narcissist’s psychopathology. As you move each day to heal yourself, you are freed to grow and thrive in every aspect of your being: psychologically, mentally, physically and spiritually (in the way you define this concept) You have fought to maintain an authentic sense of self. The path ahead without the narcissist is welcoming you to now move forward with your life with renewed purpose, the flowering of your unique gifts, the freeing of your emotional expression, a sense of mental spaciousness and inner quietness. You are growing, moving forward every moment. Your horizons are expanded and open to every possibility. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book:
Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists-Making Others Do Their Dirty Work

Narcissists beneath it all are cowards and phonies. Despite their psychological shallowness they perpetrate tremendous damage on other human beings—emotional, financial, mental. Pernicious lying, deceptions and manipulations are part of their psychological dna. For most narcissists their image is uppermost in their minds at all times. How they appear to others, how many followers they are accumulating, how much praise and adulation they are receiving and how wonderful people believe they are—these are their touchstones. I have communicated with many of those who were married to narcissists who were stunned by their partner’s ability to maintain a pristine public image while privately causing severe trauma, emotional distress and even terror to members of his/her family, business partners, etc.

Narcissists who succeed in the world preserve their pristine images by having favored members of their tight inner circle do their dirty work. Whether it is bringing down a business competitor by stealth and intimidation, using corps of attorneys to break down a former spouse who is asking for child support and custody arrangements, narcissists find the best follower, the most devoted—to carry out their malicious goals. I have had contact with many of their victims, especially their discarded and broken spouses, partners and children. The damage that they do is immeasurable. Part of the insidious problem is that the current culture rewards narcissistic behaviors–”I’ve got mine; the hell with you.” The narcissistic style of acting superior, being over-entitled and a laser focus on outward appearance and “image” has become pervasive in many stratas of our culture today.

Those who have survived the narcissist and are prevailing by moving forward with their lives despite all of the pain they are suffered, deserve our deep respect and empathy. These individuals are real. They come without facade, artifice or hidden agendas. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Living with a Narcissist-Have You Had More than Enough

“Relationships” with narcissists cannot be genuine because of their true nature. A narcissist is a grandiose false self, focused completely on his/her own ego needs—adulation, praise, worldly power, subservience of others to his will. In the early stages the narcissist with his solid gold charm offensive is unstoppable to most. He/she knows exactly how to play people, almost hypnotize them to make them members of his court. He is at your service; you are indispensable; the perfect match. Some narcissists are so clever that they can anticipate your needs, know exactly what you want and get it for you. This is the wooing and seduction phase of the relationship.

Once you are in his possession, the mask starts to crumple and the other side of the narcissist’s personality is revealed. This is a perfectionist, manipulator, deceiver, chronic liar, exploiter of everyone, especially those whom he has chosen as a partner. Many individuals marry narcissists against their own better judgment. They say to themselves: “He is so special and brilliant, so charming; this ugliness is temporary, it will pass with time.” Another rationalization is: “I know he will change and I am the one he can count on to make that transformation.” A self destructive belief: “There must be something the matter with me. He/she is so successful and revered by many people. I need to give him a chance. I’m being too sensitive.”

Eventually the full weight of the psychological devastation perpetrated by the narcissist comes down upon you. He is in constant rages, blaming everything that goes wrong on you. You are incompetent. Some suffering partners take the blame upon themselves, never reflect that it is a pernicious psychological projection on the part of the narcissist. Once volleys of rage have bruised and beaten you down, you begin to wonder if you can take it any more. The ongoing verbal abuse and the absence of the smallest
shred of empathy have wearied and beaten you down. How much more will you take? Is it worth your psychological or physical well being? He much longer will you throw you life away and have it siphoned off by the narcissist’s insatiable ego needs? At some point in this recurrent pain, many decide to leave the narcissist and reclaim their lives. This is a tough challenge, especially if he/she has control of the finances. There is no perfect time to leave the narcissist. One thing you can count on for sure is that this personality disorder is not going to change. In making you calculus close consideration must be made if you have children with this person. Narcissists have devastating psychological effect on their children. They are incapable of parenting and in some cases, their progeny become narcissists.

Making the decision and following through can be very tough but well worth the effort and perseverance.
After the break and you have renewed your psychological equilibrium, you will finally breathe become the author of your life. Good psychotherapy, support groups and communication with trusted friends may all be part of your healing process. Now you observe and follow the new trajectory of your life, the inner peace that you have awaited so long and the renewal of hope and creativity. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book
:amazon and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com