Narcissists-Thickets of Lies

By the age of three a primitive conscience has begun to develop in the young child. The pathway this takes depends on the parents’ psychological attachment to the child, what the child is taught by example and through direct communication. At age eight or nine the conscience has developed considerably. The child can distinguish between right and wrong, possesses a sense of empathy for others or doesn’t.

Narcissists spend their lives lying in one form or another. Narcissistic children often emulate their narcissistic parent(s).Parents are models of behavior—good or bad, cruel or kind, truthful or untruthful. When a small child sees his parent tricking others and manipulating them through lies, it can become part of his psyche. The child watches his parent getting what he wants. Having it in your hand is the only thing that matters, not how you got it.

There are children of narcissists who observe from the time they are very young that what their mother or father was doing wrong. They have access deep within themselves—a moral compass, the ability to make fine discriminations between what is right, wrong, kind or cruel. I have been in communication with individuals who were in touch enough with themselves to understand that their parents were immoral, unethical and criminal.

When you marry a narcissist, conscience is not included in the package. Most spouses don’t recognize this vital part is missing in this person until they have been living with him/her for a while. Some partners make continual excuses for the the narcissist’s moral deficiencies.Narcissists lie every season of the year, night and day, to strangers, business associates, to friends, relatives, their children. Narcissists take lying to a new level, winding nimbly through the morass of lies they manufacture in split seconds. Narcissists tell a freshly manufactured story to different people within their circle. They create elaborate lies that work to maintain the relationship with a spouse whom they are choosing to keep for the moment. They may tell different lies to each of their children, depending on what they are expecting of them. If they favor one child above the rest, they pump this daughter or son with delusions of grandeur while demoralizing, demeaning and humiliating children who don’t make the cut from their perspective. They lie to wives, lies of omission about their mistresses and girlfriends. They lie to mistresses, telling them they will soon be signing the final divorce papers. Narcissists lie to business partners as they they make their power moves. They know precisely how to use the “right words” to damage the professional reputations of those whom they have called colleague for decades.

Some narcissists get caught in the thickets of this dark malevolence–too few, unfortunately. Most glide smoothly away, their “fine character” and professional capital neatly intact. This shows how gifted they are at the lying craft. The current narcissistic style, a valuable currency within today’s society assists them every time. This is especially the case if they are high level narcissists who are well connected to the power and economic sources within the culture.

Protect yourself from the narcissist’s lies and subterfuges. Study the narcissistic personality in detail, learning about all of tricks, games, ruses and acts in their vast personal armory. Take time to appreciate and understand who you are as a unique individual. This work can be done in a variety of ways: good psychotherapy, meditation practice, gentle yoga, restorative yoga, journaling thoughts, feelings, dreams, memories, fantasies, etc. Above all, be receptive to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth to you and tells you everything you need to know about others, especially those from whom you need psychological protection.

Intuition leads us to our creativity and to the calmness and peace of the spirit in the way that you define this for yourself. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists- Becoming More Cruel and Ruthless

The narcissistic personality disorder is fixed but not static. As the narcissist becomes more successful in the world, he/she activates greater and greater grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and ruthlessness. If he/she is at the top of his profession—finance, medicine, entertainment, politics, media, etc. he/she is surrounded by a circle of people who believe that he is far superior to them or anyone else. This protective circle provides the high level narcissist with a continuous circulation of narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, accolades, the highest monetary compensation. These individuals are insulated from any wrongdoing on their part. As these narcissists move to higher tiers of power and influence of great reach, they are almost untouchable in terms of being held accountable for their personal misdeeds and treacheries. The narcissist becomes more emboldened by his increasing reign of power, his control over others, his capacity to destroy them, his winning at all cost. At the highest levels he assures himself that he can make or break anyone. And often this is the case. Does it matter to him if he destroys someone else’s career. Absolutely not! This is business—hardball. Those who side with him (not knowing that they too are disposable) will vanquish his enemies. The narcissist becomes more and more ruthless and inhumane as he grabs more power and becomes more manically delusional.

If this narcissist is a waking nightmare at work, he is hellish at home. Here in the private space there is no need wear his false mask. It is ripped off by the time he reaches the front door.He screams, taunts, threatens,demeans, humiliates his spouse and children. The reign of narcissistic terror is endless. He has his spouse in a psychological stranglehold. If the marriage is going badly and the spouse suggests a divorce, the decree of threat comes down—”You will be left with nothing.” “I will get full custody of the kids.” “Everyone will know that you have instigated the divorce and take my side.” “I will hire a small group of attorneys who know exactly how to defeat you at every turn in the divorce process.” These threats are continuous and terrorize the non-narcissistic spouse. I have been in communication with men and women who are so frightened that they feel that their only recourse is to stay in the toxic marriage. If you make “nice” with the narcissist, he will always find ways to belittle and threaten you. In some cases he has complete power over the finances, leaving the non-narcissistic spouse at his mercy. Some spouses reach a breaking point—They are in severe distress–They cannot sleep; they are on red alert free floating anxiety all of the time; their physical health is suffering; their children are enduring emotional stress as a result of the narcissist’s constant eruptions of rage, outrageous demands and ongoing cruelties and humiliations.

Don’t wait for the narcissist to change course. He knows he can control and manipulate you at any time. He is eclipsing your life and the lives of your children. Some spouses take a courageous step to sever their relationship from these highly disturbed individuals. They strengthen themselves physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually. They surround themselves with a protective support group. I have heard from many of those who made this decision and successfully severed their relationship with the narcissistic spouse. All of their efforts—well thought out and skillfully done—paid off. They reclaimed their lives and changed the trajectories of their children’s destinies.This was not easy. It takes great courage and an abiding confidence in the self. To learn about every aspect of the narcissistic personality disorder and how to protect yourself from them, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narc issists are Envious of You—You are Real—Narcissist is Fraudulent

Envy is an emotion that is not discussed openly. People are secretive about their envy—This is a feeling of resentment that an individual has about wanting to possess the qualities of another person or what they control and own. As they puff themselves with circulating narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, social status, professional achievement–the narcissist holds his envy close. After all, he/she is perfect, unsurpassed. Why should he care about you and your petty achievements. Much of this envy is driven by his unconscious feelings of dark emotional emptiness. He has no resources to go inside himself and feel solid, secure and authentic. The narcissist is always competing with others to better them and defeat them. He views those who are perceived as more successful as his enemies. If they won’t capitulate to his will, he will obliterate those who stand in his way. These ruthless endeavors are played out in many divorce procedures where narcissists are involved.

Recognize that the narcissist is a vindictive human being who will not change. These individuals suffer from a severe personality disorder. Remove yourself from relationships with these individualsincluding family members, siblings, parents and spouses. This may mean divorcing a narcissist or separating from them permanently. No matter how many years, effort and time you have taken to improve your relationship with a narcissistic spouse, you are better off not colluding with this level of pathology. Wash you hands of these disturbed people so that you can be free to lead your own life, , expand and deepen your creative gifts and seek and achieve inner peace. To learn about the narcissisic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Psychological Detachment from Your Abusive Narcissistic Spouse

Narcissistic spouses are all abusive in one way or another. They operate in a climate of psychological intimidation. They have different communication styles. Some make constant demands. They expect to get what they want immediately on the spot. If they don’t receive the perfect solution or answer, they start screaming at the top of their lungs. Narcissists have very strong lungs and steel vocal cords. That could be because they have so much practice. Most spouses are very disturbed by these abusive non stop demands. The narcissist is not going to change. This is a severe fixed personality disorder. Some spouses believe that they can compromise with the narcissist. This is not going to happen. Narcissists are completely arbitrary. They must have it their way without exception.

While you are endeavoring to make a decision about staying with a narcissistic spouse or to leave them, learn how to psychologically detach from them. Focus on your own needs and develop a stronger sense of self entitlement. Work with yourself. Learn to calm your body and mind. This can be done with certain practices like gentle hatha yoga and forms of meditation–sitting and walking meditation. Learning to quiet the mind through a regular practice strengthens your capacity to experience yourself as separate from the narcissist. You learn to go deep inside by consistent practice. Consistency is the key. Dedication and discipline work alongside intention to gain all of the benefits of these practices. As the capacity to quiet your mind strengthens and steadies, you will find that you are more in tune with yourself and much less vulnerable to the theatrics and ruses of the narcissistic spouse. These ancient practices are highly applicable today in developing a sense of steadiness and psychological detachment and increase your capacity for mindfulness and clarity of focus. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition

Rising Strong and Steady After Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

You have spent years denying that you were married to a narcissistic personality. Don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t have known. You were serious about building and preserving your marital union. You tried so hard. It would seem to work for a while, then the narcissist would become difficult, even impossible and blame you for everything that went wrong in his life. Narcissists only care about themselves. Everyone else including spouses and children are living narcissistic supplies that will get them to their goals of ultimate control and winning.

Now that you know that you were married to a narcissist and have gone through the painful divorce process, you life is beginning anew. You are healing. Every kind of healing—physical, mental, emotional, spiritual–takes place when we provide the right environment and receptivity to it. Develop routines that focus on your healing every day. Don’t be judgmental. Be kind to yourself. Take time to be alone and quiet with yourself. You may want to meditate or write in a journal or do some gentle yoga poses. Listening to soothing music lifts us out of obsessional thought and feeling patterns and brings us into a positive state where we can begin anew and feel refreshed. Find or create a small support group of people with whom you can share the truth and who care about you. Be appreciative of what you have been through. Work with your creative gifts which have been in cold storage during your marriage to the narcissist. Do a form of cardiovascular exercise that works for you.This increases endorphins, strengthens the immune system and helps you to sleep. Many find that gentle yoga is a source of calming, strengthening and healing the body/mind. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will speak to you and offer wise words or present you with pictures or ideas, indicating the way forward for you. You deserve deep inner peace—claim it. It’s yours. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D>
TELEPHONE CONSULTATION:UNITED STATES AND INTERNATIONAL
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, barnes and noble and many others
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Leave the Narcissist’s Golden Circle

What price will you pay to remain a part of the golden circle with whom the narcissist surrounds himself/herself. This is a group of individuals who have been hand picked by the narcissist to enhance his image, maintain and grab more worldly power, to substantially inflate his grandiosity and extreme feelings of self entitlement. As the spouse of a narcissist you are head cheerleader. Many spouses are willing to play this role in exchange for an easy carefree lifestyle where one’s needs are fulfilled, you are waited on and treated with great deference, You are looked upon as a special person only because of the tremendous prestige of your spouse. This is good news and bad news. If you are looked upon as prominent, special person due to your choice of marital partner and your position in the family, you are treated with special care not because of yourself as an individual but solely due to your close association and relationship another person.

All of those within the golden circle–spouses, children, siblings, close business associates, decorative venerating friends—know how they must obey to remain part of this highly select group. Some members are truly mesmerized by the narcissist, believing that he can do no wrong and that his powers of persuasion and manipulation are limitless.

If you have been enraptured by your role in the golden circle of the narcissist as spouse, child or professional associate and finally recognize that this person is unfair, manipulative, incapable of empathy, deceitful and exploitive, this is your opportunity to take leave of this role to find yourself as an individual. Spouses become highly stressed and disgusted with the control of their lives by the narcissist. Some of them do research and discover that they are married to a duplicitous, severe personality disorder. If the spouse has children with this individual he or she may be very concerned about the negative influence of having a narcissist as a parent.

Waking up from the delusion of believing in the narcissist as a raison d’etre represents a positive shift that provides an opportunity to lead your life, using all of your creative gifts, protecting your children, living with deep inner peace. I have communicated with those who have left the golden circle, especially spouses. Although it can be difficult, these life shifts away from the psychological imprisonment to freedom , this is a positive life choice. With the help of quality psychotherapy, the encouragement and compassion of a strong support group and a deepened understanding of the true nature of the narcissist and all of the psychological nightmares they impose on all of those close to them, this represents ultimately a turn to emotional freedom and re-instituting your own life. Those who achieve this goal deserve our congratulation. They now can make all of their own life decisions—small and large, can move through expansive pathways of creativity and spirituality (in the way that this has meaning for you.) I hear very hopeful reports and a stories of gratefulness and victory when freedom has now become a realization. We celebrate your great accomplishment. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, etc.
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Malicious Narcissists—Convincing Others You are at Fault Or Crazy

Narcissists have a sinister side, especially if they want something that you have and you refuse to comply. This becomes very ugly during the severing of a marital relationship. Many non-narcissistic spouses who have been treated abominably still want to believe that when it comes to ending the marriage, the narcissist will be fair and amenable to negotiation in good faith. Be clear here—-Absolutely Not! This is what they do to their victims—Bring on the army of shark-toothed lawyers and go for the jugular. To protect yourself, study and research in-depth the true nature of the narcissistic personality including examples from real life. Get to know this personality profile intimately. It will be a strong reminder when you start to bend or buckle to the narcissist’s tricks, tactics, strong arming techniques and charm offensive.

Another dark ploy is that narcissists or their doubles, contact your relatives, in-laws, friends and anyone who will listen to broadcast blatant lies about your character. This doesn’t happen in all instances but it is remarkable the lengths these malicious individuals exceed to trash you, putting you at fault and even leading others to believe that you are “crazy.” Even people whom you have trusted —family members—can be flipped to the narcissist’s side, especially if he has influence where you have lived and deep pockets.

To successfully deal with these complex and stressful situations as you move toward divorce, be sure you hire an attorney who is not only an expert in family law but who is exceedingly savvy about the ruses, tricks and ploys of the narcissistic personality disorder. Your attorney needs to be highly professional but fearless in facing this relentless cruel and destructive individual. An excellent attorney in these situations must be like ultra-marathon runners. Regardless of any obstacle placed in front of them by the narcissist, they are undaunted. Their perseverance is golden.

A narcissist (male or female) will wage a custody battle for the sole purpose of trying to psychologically and financially decimate the former spouse. For the narcissist, revenge is sweet. It’s where they live in their delusional treacherous minds.

Surround yourself with individuals whom you can trust completely and who believe and understand the horrible ordeal you are going through. Be good to yourself. Know that you hold the truth. You are very wise. If some others around you don’t believe your life story, don’t associate with them. Don’t talk about your personal life. Be protective of your privacy. Another dirty offensive is to make you look “crazy” . This is so cruel and sadistic. Know that you are the sane one who is holding the truth. You are entitled to be treated with respect. You deserve it. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will always reveal the truth to you and help you to maintain a sense of steadiness and calm. To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, Online stores, etc.
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Healing After Marriage to a Narcissist

Those who are married to narcissists are constantly under siege. In the beginning it may be Kismet; in the end it is the lowest circle of Hell. The narcissistic spouse is relentless in his/her ability to make constant demands, falsely accuse you, brainwash your children, make you doubt yourself, threaten to take away all of your worldly possessions including the home in which you live. This list of transgressions is endless and would take up too many pages to count. If there is a way to hurt you psychologically and financially the narcissist leading the attack will find it. Narcissists are “gifted” at “gutting” the lives of others. They have been practicing and mastering this form of destruction all of their lives. If they are golden children the narcissistic parent taught them that they were perfect and superior, that there was neither right nor wrong—–only the goal of winning. They have heard this charge since early childhood. “You have no limits—Everyone around you is inferior. You can do whatever you want. To achieve great things, you have to step over others who are in your way.” These are the earliest messages from mother and/or father. These budding narcissists are molded to become to become false grandiose selves, to compete like gladiators, drawing psychological blood.

If you have recognized that you have been married to a narcissist and moved through the divorce process, give yourself all the space and time and self understanding to heal. First, give yourself credit for leaving this highly disturbed destructive person. Many stay in these marriages and are broken psychologically. Take time to be with yourself. This can take many forms. Get to know yourself–You have spent years being suffocated by the narcissist’s overwhelming personality. Now you can breathe. Some of those in the healing process take up a practice of gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath. Yoga when done with focus and self love is very healing. It eases the nervous system into a state of calmness and safety. Meditation is another form of healing–This can be practiced on any level as long as you are nonjudgmental and consistent. Spend time each day in solitude. Go outdoors, listen to the birds, watch a hummingbird gracefully move from flower to flower, feel the light mist, the sun warm your shoulders—-appreciate each moment. Working through the aftermath of marriage to a narcissist is a complex process. Be kind to yourself. A small support group that you form can be invaluable. You will be heard and understood. This can mean one person. That’s all you need. You will find that your life becomes simpler, quieter, calmer and feel grateful that you are moving toward a deeper inner peace. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, barnes and noble, many online bookstores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Narcissistic Sociopaths in High Places

There is a term that describes certain kinds of individuals who are very successful in the world, have many admirers if not adorers, have access to social/business connections we might all envy whom I call bloodless sociopaths. I use this term because they are without conscience, completely lack empathy, are among the cruelest and sadistic human beings but literally don’t draw blood. They commit numerous crimes throughout their lives and don’t get caught. That’s how well they have mastered their act. Often they have a high intelligence quotient and have achieved superlative marks throughout their schooling. From the time they are very young these sociopaths know that they are superior to everyone, including their parents, that there isn’t anything they can’t do or have. The world and people in it exist to be manipulated by them.

With the narcissistic style taking over much of our world today and becoming fully acceptable—self absorption, obsession with appearance, being in the A list social circles, coldness and disdain for those outside of this magic bubble—it becomes easier for the sociopath to move in and out of business and social circles undetected as a dreadful human being. We have narcissistic sociopaths who run some of our prestigious corporations. We have some members of the branches of government who fit this definition. When you look at some of the dirty deal making that takes place, the rip-offs of those who are without power or money, and the pure greed involved you find that many in the corporate, entrepreneurial, entertainment, media and government that fit this definition. No one wants to talk about sociopaths in high places. Most people have a problem believing that a person with such prestige and power who is given the highest respect and deference and even lionized could be so predatory.

Their family members may not be aware of their levels of criminality. They have become so deluded and accustomed to leading privileged lives that they close their eyes to anything that disrupts the perfect insular world they have created. There are plenty of spouses and children of narcissistic sociopaths who will tell you horror stories about their private lives. Family members describe themselves as prisoners, unable to make their own decisions, forced to follow their parent(s) commands to the letter. They view ugly violent scenes between their parents that are re-enacted frequently and put them in a chronic state of anxiety and apprehension. Spouses who willfully stay married to these reprehensible individuals put the lives of their children in psychological and emotional jeopardy. If you are the spouse of one of these individuals and finally recognize all of the damage that has been done, wake up and prepare to sever these pathological relationships if not for yourself for your children.

Narcissism and sociopathy in its bloodless form are becoming more acceptable in the society at large. You don’t notice many high level narcissists doing perp walks or losing court cases when they are clearly guilty or going out of business because they have been defrauding their business partners and clients for years.

To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality disorder and the narcissistic sociopath so that you recognize them quickly and know exactly how they operate. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, numerous
online bookstores
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Are You Still Buttering Your Narcissistic Husband’s Toast

I have actually witnessed a woman married to a narcissistic spouse in a restaurant, cutting up her narcissistic husband’s steak in perfect bite size pieces. She sat there throughout the meal, hanging on his every word. These women believe they have made a good bargain. Some of them have financial security which is crucial to them and they are willing to pay for it with their lives.

Narcissistic husbands have rules that their wives must obey. They are part of his elaborate image that keeps his ego inflated.

Being married to a narcissist narrows your mind and your life. Some wives learn to detach psychologically and pursue their own careers but this is not a marriage is a business arrangement.

Married to a narcissist you are living each day in the sympathetic nervous system. Hyper vigilant, apprehensive—you can never let down in your fight or flight mode. To preserve your psychological and emotional well being you need to learn to switch to the parasympathetic nervous system of calm, relaxation and ease.

Married to a narcissistic husband you are expendable, Even you have have been with him for fifteen to twenty years, it is very possible that your spouse has been cheating a you a number of times. Narcissists change partners and find women who are younger, more exciting and desirable to them. They need trophies not wives.

If you make the decision to separate from your narcissistic husband your healing begins. Some women seek high quality professional psychotherapy and find it very helpful. Be sure to take the time to find a good therapist. Interview several. Cardiovascular exercise is an excellent way to increase your stamina, strength, obtain endorphins which lift the mood and to gain a sense of inner peace. Gentle hatha yoga with its emphasis on the breath calms the body, mind and spirit. Some spouses that daily or weekly journaling offers them a cathartic way to express their feelings and thoughts openly, creatively and freely that is part of their renewed lives. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com, Barnes and Noble, widely distributed in books and e-Books
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com