Leaving the High Level Narcissist’s Golden Circle

Setting the stage for the true nature of the high level narcissist, quote from my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life: “Like water cascading down a falls, compliments and tributes must flow to the narcissist at all times. ..The narcissist recounts endless stories of his triumphs and expects others to tell him “how wonderful he is.”

“Followers of the narcissist, especially those closest to him/her—spouses, mistresses, children, partners—squander their potential.” They have turned themselves over to a callous exploitative parental figure who makes all the decisions.

Members of this golden circle become exhausted by the outrageous demands of the high level narcissist’s constant rages and demeaning  humiliations. Living only to please and appease an imperious narcissist, combined with mounting erosions of their personal and professional opportunities wear very thin.

If you have been a member of the high level narcissist’s golden circle you remember the dreadful experience of what happened behind closed doors with one of these highly demanding, controlling and cruel individuals.

There comes a time when you recognize that you must choose  to separate and leave the tarnished golden circle of the high level narcissist and become free to be your true self, to rediscover your unique creative gifts, and develop healthy psychological and daily practices of  deep inner peace.

Give yourself tremendous credit for putting yourself first and choosing your unique invaluable individuality and creative gifts and healing, restoration and evolution.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Elite High Level Narcissists Do Not Awaken from Their Delusions of Grandeur and Omnipotence

We have an immense population of high level narcissists.  Our narcissistic society gives them huge passes especially if they hold wide and deep swaths of influence and power

Don’t try to wake up a high level narcissist from their slumber of intractable delusion and extreme self-entitlement.  They will scream in your face, shame you, mercilessly punish you with endless vile projections.

The high level narcissist has been lost in the desert of non reality throughout all of his years. This is particularly the case if he or she is the golden child. From the beginning this kid was selected as the special chosen one who symbolized the perfection, brilliance and promise of his parent(s).  He is a miraculous child, a demi deity, who,  from the beginning was venerated like a prince, princess, queen or king.

As a very young child this individual was not required to think of the welfare of others, how his or her presence was having a positive or negative effect upon others. The budding narcissist was given the run of the family, allowed, even encouraged to act out in the most outrageous ways. Cruel and mean, this little narcissist didn’t develop a working conscience or genuine empathy.

Rather the narcissist was encouraged to fulfill his wishes and desires without limit.

The elite from the beginning does not develop a sense of shame over committing a cruel act on another.

The golden boy or girl elite high level narcissist is so over entitled that their sense of self becomes pathologically inflated and highly delusional.

The mother and/or father of the narcissist continues to defend this individual regardless of his ugly cruel behaviors, betrayals, empty promises, habitual lies, double dealing.

In this zeitgeist of toxic pathological narcissism the elite golden boy or girl fits smoothly in the environments of extreme self-indulgence, an obsession with the perfection of one’s external environment and person, the frenetic search for “the best” whether this is in the form of exotic escapes, opulent lifestyles among the crème d’ le crème of society.  Elite high level narcissistic must have more’s wander the earth in a never ending fever of hunger and satiation.

There is the preciousness of your warm human heart that lifts you from the pain and dreariness of childhood wounds. This is the direction you are taking: authenticity, imagination, your creativity, the exquisite beauties of nature and art, the gift of inner peace, the quieting of the winds that reveal your essence, your sacred individuality.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Despicable Greed of High Level Narcissists

Today we are surrounded by countless greedy narcissists in a society that has become exceedingly materialistic, coarse, Darwinian, soulless.

There are outstanding exceptions in high consciousness individuals who are psychologically and emotionally evolved, with fine characters.  These are transparent, without act or artiface – No false selves. It is so comforting to know these people of the truth who are wise, transparent, kind with conscience. They can neither be bought nor compromised.

The high level narcissist is all act: false, cunning, acquisitive and very greedy.

Psychologically empty inside, he is always searching for more while he treats others without mercy or respect.

The greediest are the haves, the have mores and the have mosts always in an acquisitive state that feeds their hungry egos. They go after what you have – investments, properties, residences, businesses, valuable possessions, trusts, works of art.

They feed off of your creativity and steal your projects. – all the while leading you to believe that they are collaborating and contributing to your success.

Narcissists are never team players. This is a pretense, a strategy a ruse, a well honed act to gain your trust and ultimately to control you and the products of your unique creativity.

No matter how much they have for the high level narcissist it is never enough. The fever of acquisitiveness rises with every acquisition. You cannot win with these individuals if you stay partnered with them unless you are willing to become their psychological prisoners and forfeit your individuality, your unique gifts and your inner peace. Some of those who remain aligned with the high level narcissist are in a state of permanent delusion.  They have fused with the narcissist and unable to extricate themselves from this psychopathological state.

The high level narcissist doesn’t care if you are left with nothing. They get what they want, discard you and move on to the next shining prize.

High level narcissists get away with their dirty despicable greed.  Many in today’s society applaud them or turn a blind eye to their multiple cruelties.

There is hope and redemption with those who remain steady in their grounded fine characters, steady and rising in their creative gifts. We find them along the road less traveled, the pathway of the authentic self that speaks to you each day. Listen to the voice of your intuition.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Children of Narcissistic Parents – Living in the House of Desolation

The child of the narcissistic parent has been psychologically abandoned.  He/she lives not in a home but a “house of desolation.” This word originates from the twelfth century and essentially means devastation and hopelessness.

The baby and small child needs a deep meaningful and warm connection to the parenting figure to thrive psychologically.

Children of narcissistic parents may have their physical needs met but are starving for warmth, attention, kindness, understanding, positive attachment. Some children suffer from both physical, mental, emotional and financial deprivation.  Many were never wanted. Others were created to enhance the narcissist’s false self image and ego supplies for the narcissistic parent.

I hear from children of narcissistic parents. They have been through painful and complex ordeals. They speak of the cold cruelties of the narcissistic mother and/or father. They were exploited and abused, treated like objects, servants to their maternal and fraternal masters.

The house of desolation is not a home. It may have all of the accoutrements: the space, pleasant surroundings, comfortable ambience but beneath the material objects there is no vital core of human warmth or meaning here.  Some children are born into impoverished circumstances with narcissistic parents and suffer from many levels of narcissistic abuse and privation.

It is remarkable how these children who grew up in the houses of desolation coped and dealt with the cruel and ugly psychopathology of the narcissistic parent. Many learned how to hide in plain sight, went to Nature as an escape to Beauty, traveled to storied magical places with their imaginations, taught themselves how to paint and draw to create new visions of reality, sought spiritual avenues of meaning and solace, learned that movement and exercise through sports and dance built their stamina and deep inner strength.

Prominent British writer Rudyard Kipling was abandoned at the age of six along with his three year old sister Trix by his parents. Mother and father without the slightest announcement after leaving India on a trip to London left their young children with strangers whom  they contacted through a newspaper article. The caretaker was a cruel, cold abusive woman and her disturbed son. For six long years they were left at the mercy of these pathological individuals.  The parents returned unexpectedly and gave no explanation for their abandonment, absence or return.  Kipling’s mother had relatives in London but chose to put her children in psychological distress with unvetted disturbed strangers. Kipling suffered deeply from this abandonment and betrayal. He used his incredible creativity through writing to survive this horrendous extended traumatic experience of parental abandonment, particularly by his mother.

Are you the child of a narcissistic parent who grew up in A House of Desolation. I give you tremendous credit for your authenticity, integrity, stamina, grit and creativity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Seven Restorative Healing Practices

Daughters of narcissistic mothers are a unique courageous group of individuals. It is remarkable to me that they have survived the abuses and deprivations growing up as the daughter of a narcissistic non-mother. They have experienced psychological and emotional pain on the severest levels. These daughters speak of their mother despising them from the beginning. With her gazes, gestures and words it is clear that they were not truly loved.

Narcissistic pseudo mothers have hearts of stone. They are emotionally unreachable, inert, hollow,empty.

Daughters have no way of forming a genuine psychological attachment to the narcissistic mother. She is unavailable to them. There is no warmth, no refuge, no comfort or safety.  There are no hugs and embraces for this little daughter. She tries innumerable times to get mom to give her even the slightest sign that there is a connection between the two of them.

Rather, narcissistic mother has a built in enmity for her daughter. She is jealous of her, competitive even with the small child. She finds her daughter to be unacceptable even alien to her.

Contrary to this style is the narcissistic mother who creates a living ego supply out of her daughter, a Mini Me reflection of mother’s perfection, like the goose who laid the golden egg.

Mother psychologically fuses with golden daughter, coaching her to become her flawless replica.

The narcissistic mother adores her creation but is incapable of loving her daughter as a separate individual. The daughter exists to enhance mother’s image and to keep her ego fully inflated.

I find that these daughters are of fine character: clear thinking, responsible, compassionate, empathic, with a well-developed conscience.

You deserve to recover and heal completely from the narcissistic mother abuse.

Here are Seven Practices that will help you to recover and thrive as you move forward along your unique pathway of the authentic self:

  1. Sleep/Rest: As the daughter of a narcissistic mother you couldn’t rest or sleep well. Maybe you felt you didn’t deserve to feel at ease and quiet inside, to trust that you could let down and be safe and comfortable. Give yourself permission to have this essential downtime. Sleep and rest are essential to your physical and psychological health. We were meant to sleep and rest well. Embrace these essential activities.  When we sleep a natural restorative healing process takes place inside of the body/mind. You are naturally transported to the parasympathetic nervous system, a quieting, calming state of essential healing.
  2. .Movement/Exercise/Nutrition: We were designed to move, to exercise and to eat well. This is different for each person. Do the movements and exercise that are natural to you. Don’t compare yourself with anyone else. Respect your limitations and make no judgments. Learn about eating nutritious food. This is your essential body/mind fuel that provides you with energy, strength and stamina. Do your own research and discover how you can maintain wellness through these activities.
  3. Appreciating Your Solitude: Growing up the daughter of a narcissistic mother you felt like you were being watched and judged. You could not let down and simply be yourself. Even when you went off alone, thoughts about how your mother was reacting to you were on your mind. Now that you are free of this non-relationship you can openly explore your relationship with yourself, being in your own presence, in solitude. It is in solitude that we get to know ourselves: our feelings, thoughts, the seeds and flowering of creativity. There develops a self acceptance as you practice solitude. Creativity occurs in solitude as we commune with ourselves. The imagination soars and we are lifted beyond our personal histories. We leave them behind in solitude and create new meanings that align with the authentic self.
  4. Connection with Nature: Nature is a source of beauty, awe, inspiration, restoration. Nature renews our sense of being present and our appreciation of its majesty and mystery. The beauty of Nature calms the body/mind and brings forth metaphors and visions that awakens your creativity.
  5. Develop Your Intuitive Gifts: Intuition is a gift of insight and wisdom that speaks the truth. We are born with the capacity for intuition. Learn to nurture the powers of this kind of knowing. When you ego is dropped and you are receptive, intuitive messages will come through to you. Stay attuned to your intuition. It is a gift of knowing that is always with you.
  6. Creating a Circle of Trust – There are a few people whom we can trust. They are hard to find but continue your search. It is well worth it.
  7. Unleashing your creativity: You have waited so many years to feel the full force of your creativity. Choose a medium of creative expression that you have used in the past or that interests you: drawing, painting, collage, unedited writing, fiction and nonfiction writing, photography.

You have the reins in your capable hands.  Make the decisions that speak to your heart, soul and mind. Give yourself great credit for what you have accomplished, the greatest boon of all: the fulfillment of your authentic self, a person of deep integrity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists Believe They Are Godlike: Omnipotent, Omniscient

Narcissists have been accused of having the “god complex”, firmly believing that they are omnipotent – all powerful. Ironically in today’s barbarous culture of perverse self-entitlement, on the surface, for some, this appears to be the case. The high level narcissist has no limitations placed on him or her. Feted within their golden circles of influence and privilege, it can appear that these individuals can have whatever they want.
Deep inside in the unconscious the narcissist experiences a hollow, bleak, psychological emptiness, an arid wasteland of nothingness and meaninglessness. In brief moments the narcissist’s mask slips and he becomes consciously aware of this state. He uses powerful defense mechanisms of projection and denial to protect him from painful and disruptive feelings.

The narcissistic personality constellation is a defense against feelings of shame. Since the narcissist does not develop a conscience he or she is impervious to feelings of guilt.

With neither guilt nor shame “impeding” him, the narcissist moves adroitly along the pathways of his blind ambition. He lies constantly, betrays those who love him, steals their creative ideas and projects without a blink of conscience or regret, exploits those who are emotionally weaker as a means of controlling and forcing them to bend to his will.

The high level narcissist will wipe you out financially without a scintilla of concern about your psychological welfare. You are simply a steppingstone to his goals of ultimate power and control.

I hear from individuals who have partnered or married high level narcissits or children of narcissistic parents. Their stories are gut-wrenching.

Awakening to the true reality of the narcissistic personality you will separate out of these non-relationships, put yourself first and move forward along your own pathways.

Make full use of your gifts of creativity, resilience, insight, intuition and compassion.

Each day you are evolving. Start with the basics: sleep, rest, nourishing food, movement/exercise, Nature, Beauty, meditation your way.

Notes to Unique, Precious Empaths

You are the child who was never understood. You are a highly sensitive individual who perceives inner and outer reality on the most minute levels.
You remember from childhood often feeling overwhelmed. Loud noises and crowds were very distressing. While other family members were excited by social events, you had a very difficult time being in groups. You found many of the children to be aggressive and loud. Even attending a children’s birthday party was unsettling. The noise of groups was difficult for you from the beginning.

Some empaths as children find meaning and comfort in solitude, in their own company. They spend hours reading books, walking in Nature, writing in a journal, sketching and drawing. With a vivid imagination the child empath travels everywhere in his mind.

At night you were afraid of the dark and needed a night light on even as you grew older.
As a very small child you picked up the psychological and emotions and vibrations of others. You read their unconscious and knew what was hidden behind the mask of the face
Growing up in a narcissistic family is particularly difficult for the empath. The narcissistic mother or father imposed his will and chose roles for each child. There is the golden one who has been selected to mirror and represent the family image.
From the beginning you didn’t fit into your narcissistic family. You were so different from the other members. It was like you came from another world and wondered how you ended up with this group of people who shared your DNA. You never felt at home with the narcissistic family members.

As you moved into adulthood you began to appreciate your differentness. You appreciated your deep intuitions, inspirations and creativity.
Empaths never fit in to the society at large. This is particularly true currently. There are so many narcissistic personalities who are thriving in our aggressive culture. Without conscience the narcissist treats the empath with disrespect, viewing them as weak and fragile.

You come to a time of awakening, a deep appreciation of your true nature. You no longer care about being accepted by the society at large and its circles of influence.
You cannot compromise the pure gold of your authentic self. You find individuals who appreciate you true nature and whom you can trust. There are just a few but this is sufficient.

Your creative gifts expand and deepen. You find yourself creating whole worlds out of your imagination and intuition. You dispense with the notion that you need others to understand you. You are different and precious —the pearl of great price, the true authentic self. Embrace your individuality, deep compassion, intuition and fine perceptions.
Be kind and protective of yourself with: good sleep, rest, movement/exercise, spending time in Nature, nourishment, lovely music, following the unique pathway of your creativity in all of its forms.

Misogynistic Narcissists Cause Psychological Harm to Women

Before I begin this post I want to state that most men are not misogynists. There are female narcissists who cause great psychological harm to men and women. There are many individuals who are not narcissistic personalities and lead their lives with integrity, empathy and compassion.

There is a kind of male narcissist who is highly misogynistic. He appears to be above reproach. On the outside his image is sterling. He is perceived as a person of integrity and compassion. He can be highly successful in the world or not.

Misogynistic narcissists do their damage to you in secret when you are alone with them or no one else is paying attention. Being married to a misogynistic narcissistic spouse is one of the most difficult and painful human experiences. In some cases it is a form of torture.

The other intolerable situations have to do with children of narcissistic parents who had to endure cruel ongoing punishments when they were small, helpless and dependent. Another is siblings of sadistic narcissistic brothers or sisters who terrorized them throughout childhood and who to this day strike fear inside of them.

Often there is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde aspect to this personality. On the surface, pure gold charm is pouring forth on to you. The narcissist appears to be polite and engaged with fine manners. No one would suspect that he is a misogynist who chronically hurts women.

The most powerful and significant events that weigh heavily on the psyche during our lives often occur in secret. As children we are threatened if we reveal the truth about our parents or other adult family members.

You never know when a misogynistic narcissist is going to appear in your life. If you get intuitions, red flags flying high, gut reactions—pay very close attention–It’s about to happen.

I recall a small important business dinner event. I was required to be there as a result of a commitment I had made. People were greeting one another. I was introduced to the individual who was hosting the event. This man acknowledged me and he placed his hand out to shake mine. His grasp of my hand tightened very quickly and became a deep painful unrelenting grip. I thought he was going to stop but he didn’t. I said: “That hurts.” He didn’t let go right away. I said: “No one has done that to me before.” He released my hand and made an excuse by saying that he was very strong. He seemed proud of that statement. I was shocked about his complete disregard over what he had done to me. My hand was throbbing and the pain did not go away for some time.  No one saw what he did or heard the verbal exchange between the two of us. He was scot-free. I could not make a scene during this business meeting. I was trapped with a man who was capable of causing physical pain and I believe great psychological pain as well. This is a very small example of the way that a misogynistic narcissist can operate with impunity.

I have heard and read many life stories of women who have been victims of narcissistic men who are misogynists. Their lives are filled with perpetrated cruelties, degradations and humiliations. Many of them have broken free from their narcissistic husbands, begun the process of healing and recovering their  true selves to lead their own separate lives in freedom and inner peace.

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Narcissistic Matriarchs Control Family Members with Iron Fist

A matriarch is “a mother who is head and ruler of her family and descendants.” When you have a narcissistic matriarch in charge, everyone is going to suffer psychologically and emotionally, except those who are chosen as “Golden” and often become narcissistic personalities. Generations of narcissistic matriarchs run through some families.

I hear personal stories of those who have had to survive under the absolute control, manipulation, deceit and chronic criticisms of their narcissistic mothers. After years of horrendous pain they have finally discovered that growing up they were molded by a very pathological mother/matriarch who expected perfection from them. Not once in their lives were they hugged, given positive attention, recognized as valued individuals, given compliments, etc. Their lives were pure hell all the time. Other family members bent under the iron fist of “Mother, the Most Feared.”

Those who have awakened recognize their narcissistic mother’s true nature-her dark cruelty, her capacity to inflict lingering terror in the nervous system. As children they went to other family members for help and were scorned and turned away since aunts, uncles, siblings, etc. didn’t believe them. In fact, children who exposed the truth were savagely punished.

Now as adults many children of narcissistic matriarchs are breaking the bonds of the iron hold of this reign of terror. I hear from those who are in the process of self healing. They have started putting themselves first, to insist that they be treated with respect, that they are entitled to feel calm, to use their many creative gifts and to spread the word that you can be free of your narcissistic matriarch and lead the life that you deserve.

Linda Martine-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Parents Sabotage Their Children

By definition sabotage is a “treacherous series of actions. ”  Treachery when perpetrated upon a family member means destruction and annihilation. It is beyond ruthlessness.

Growing up in a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of a deadly fire fight twenty four hours a day. The child who survives these skirmishes and all out wars is truly remarkable. I hear and read life stories of those who found survival techniques. Many of them hid in their own hoes, spent time with friends to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video games, drawing, writing, other creative activities. Some children were fortunate to have a grand parent who would give them times of respite.

Some children who have this experience are in a constant state of anxiety–fight or flight syndrome.The narcissist–mother or father or both rule the household. Screams and demands–slaps and threats can be heard and experienced frequently in these homes. The narcissist lives for himself (herself) alone. Narcissists don’t love their children. They use them to prop up their egos if they perceive that a particular child can add to their perfect image. In this case the child is indulged. The rest of the kids are cast aside and neglected or treated abysmally. Some of these children find ingenious ways to save their sacred flame, to camouflage their creative gifts but continue to use them and to keep the inner fire of a sense of self burning brightly. I have known individuals who have been able to accomplish this despite all of the narcissistic pathology of their mother or father or both parents.

Adult children heal through a combination of pathways that they discover work best for them as individuals. There is no one way, given the trauma ridden childhoods that they sustain. Psychotherapy with highly empathic trained psychotherapists is one aspect of this healing for some. Bring the body/mind into balance is essential to this process. This takes many forms including the practice of gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, the re-awakening of your creativity, finding relationships of trust and respect, learning to put yourself first and to practice self love and self care. Learning how to received the affection that others have for you is all part of this healing phase. Healing is a lifetime process, an evolution of the self that takes as many forms as there are individuals.