Category Archives: narcissistic mother-in-law

Narcissistic Mothers-in-Law and Their Narcissistic Sons Wreck Marriages

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You never suspected when you met your narcissistic husband that he was a pathological disorder who was going to turn your life upside down. You fell for him immediately and didn’t listen to the quiet murmurings of your intuition that said: ” this man is a phony, too good to be true. He’s making empty promises he will never keep. He is, beneath the smooth act, completely self absorbed, controlling and manipulative.” Oh those times when we do not listen to the Oracle of Intuition.

Along with this most charming of men comes his narcissistic mother-in-law. After you have been married for a short time you notice that your husband’s glorious mask has begun to slip, especially behind closed doors. You find him in a beet red rage over some very small oversight on your part. He criticizes you over nothing. You feel unsteady and confused and anxious. Where is the man whom you married? He stripped to the real him in private. In public he is a marvel of social grace–adorable, charming, impeccable manners. butter wouldn’t think of melting in his mouth.  He is a deal closer par excellence, oozing with self confidence. Those who do not know the real man, adore him and would follow him through the endless dunes, barren plateaus and dry valleys of the god forsaken Sahara.

Enter the Source–His Narcissistic Mother. Those who have gone through hell week, years or decades with a narcissistic mother-in-law have horrid stories to tell of psychological battering, open disdain and rudeness, dismissive behaviors that say you don’t matter or even exist. Psychological pummeling and continuing ambushes are part of the daily sadistic fare. Narcissistic mother continually uses her clever drams of poison to assure that your husband will hate you even more. This mother/son narcissistic duo cannot be broken. As hard as you try to be the perfect wife and person to your narcissistic husband, this will never work. Remember, this man was molded by his mother. If he was the golden son, he could do no wrong, had no limits or conscience, could step on any ones’ toes. To the NM he was her perfect born–her magnificent creation. The psychological umbilical link between NM and NS cannot be broken.The narcissistic son has a love/hate relationship with mother that is lifelong. He hates being her possession; he despises being emasculated by her but he always returns to her no matter what. This unbroken pathological bond wrecks marriages.

If children are involved it gets more complex and ugly. The NMIL may turn your children against you secretly. Or she might ignore them completely. Her main obsession is her son, since she doesn’t have a life of her own. He is the perfect mirror of her–the one she lives through and for. There she is hidden in a corner, telling outrageous lies about your character and past that she spins and feeds to him like a delicacy. Her good boy possession believes narcissistic mama. This Gordian Knot cannot be cut, even by you. After all, she was the first woman in his life.

The pathological psychological fusion between NM and NS takes precedence over your marriage. As much as he unconsciously hates her possession of him, they  remain locked together, keeping you out.

Study and learn to recognize this narcissistic dynamic and sever yourself from it to recover your own life. This can be a difficult process but it is well worth the effort to breathe your own freedom of body, mind and spirit once more–to lead a life in the full light of your self initiation, the use of your many gifts and talents and to feel a dynamic peace that you have always deserved.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Being Victim of Narcissistic Generational Abuse Stops with Me

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I hear from many men and woman who have endured and survived horrendous narcissistic abuse from their Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Siblings, Narcissistic Spouses. A number of them report narcissistic cruelties, betrayals, abandonment, scapegoating, bullying that was pathologically repeated from one family generation to the next. They speak of mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. who perpetrated every manner of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. These victims can remember how they were treated as if it was yesterday. They speak about several generations of relatives who coldly participated in a variety of cruelties including psychological and physical abandonment, maternal deprivation, the imposition of sadistic punishments, making terrified servants out of their children, the engagement of horrific punishments that caused constant terror within the household. They described that they were servants in their own homes, bowing to the whims, needs and wishes of tyrannical narcissistic family members.

Those who rise up and say No More to narcissistic abuse are courageous individuals. Despite being surrounded by members of their own families who are endangering their psychological welfare, they make the decision not to side with these cold narcissistic family members who share only their DNA and completely lack any empathy for them. Those who free themselves of narcissistic generational abuse work hard to re-stabilize themselves, to recognize that they deserve to lead a life that belongs to them and that they are not dictated by the pathological whims, obsessions and parasitic needs of their narcissistic family members. Many benefit from excellent psychotherapy. There are many healing pathways including the practice of gentle yoga with the emphasis on the breath that calms that nervous system, learning to focus on their own self care, to create an exercise program that is tailored to their needs, recognizing that they deserve to experience deep inner peace, to use their unique creative gifts, to form healthy close bonds with others who love them. You have made a very important commitment. Your identity has changed forever, moving from victim of narcissistic abuse to leading your life in independence and freedom. You are a great example to all of us.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Mother-in-Law Breaks Up Marriages

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There are countless victims of psychological abuse perpetrated by the narcissistic mother-in-law. She is the controlling matriarch. One classic situation is the triangulation of the narcissistic mother, her son and his wife. In the beginning she pretends to care deeply about the new member of the family. The NMIL praises her son’s choice of a partner and skillfully pretends that she wants the marriage go to be successful. But this can never be the case with a narcissist in any family role.

The narcissistic matriarch spreads lies about her daughter-in-law, beginning with subtle digs and innuendos about her character and family background. These lies are dropped like pedals on a lawn–meant to be barely noticed. In secret she goes to her son and slowly and skillfully drops poisonous bits of gossip about his wife. She puts doubts in his mind about her. At the same time the narcissistic mother is intimating that his ultimate loyalty belongs with her where it has always been. The wife becomes slowly aware that she is not welcome in this family. She feels a coldness and is ostracized by the narcissistic mother’s inner family circle. She turns to her husband who feels conflicted between loyalty to his mother and love and duty to his wife.

After years of hurt feelings, attempts at bending to the will of this impossible woman, being on the receiving end of insults and false accusations, the daughter-in-law is forced to make a fateful decision. She can stay in the painful triangle, make further attempts to break her husband’s pathological attachment to his mother or she will leave the marriage. These are difficult choices, especially if there is a strong pathological fusion between mother and son. These ties that bind are made of steel and cannot be unraveled.

There are successful  outcomes that involve the wife freeing herself by separating and divorcing her spouse. This is a difficult path but can be accomplished. The individual leaving the marriage often benefits from highly skilled psychotherapy, a support group of close friends and her own family of origin. It is better to be true to yourself than to struggle under the yoke of a woman who is out to destroy your individuality and peace of mind.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.