Category Archives: narcissistic fathers

Vissisitudes of Living with Narcissistic Rage

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You have felt the ever sharp knifing through your body innumerable times if you are married to a narcissist, the son or daughter of a narcissist or sibling of a narcissist.  Narcissistic rage is always on a boil within this person. It explodes at full force without provocation. He/she is filled with charm, magnetism, grace, conversation that moves so skillfully—yet when you are alone, in private the dynamic changes 180 degrees.

Now he is rampaging through the house–yelling, screeching, howling like a person gone mad.If you are the child of a narcissist you remember too vividly how close your narcissistic mother got to your face, her eyes gone wild, her mouth fully open, your nervous system quaking–you telling yourself: “This time she is going to kill me.!” Being on the receiving end of a narcissist’s primal rage feels like imminent death. But you don’t die and wish you had because the primitive sound does not stop. It feeds on itself. You run and the narcissist pursues you in the house. You can’t get away. It’s like a recurring dream that haunts you every night.

Finally, this round is over for now but you know that it will return. The monstrous tone, the menacing look in the eyes, the body that feels like it will strike and flatten you will come again. That you know—but not when and there is the terror. There is a dreadful unpredictability about these seizures of rage. As a result you are awaiting annihilation.  Your nervous system is on vigil, in fight or flight mode at all times, even when you are asleep. There is no inner safety, no secure place in your mind and body where you can go when this human Vesuvius erupts.

As an adult who is healing from the narcissistic parent, spouse or sibling remember that you are entitled to change the way you feel inside. You did nothing wrong. You were victimized by a highly pathological human being. None of this is your fault. You could not have nor can you now change this person.Tell yourself each day that you are entitled to lead a life that offers you peace, security, a feeling of steadiness inside. The body/mind is prepared to heal. Be receptive to this process. You may find that excellent psychotherapy, gentle hatha yoga, forms of meditations, healing relationships, using your creative gifts, music, Nature and all of the ways that you intuit will make you whole. Gather your faith and hold it close. Do the work of healing every day. You deserve this inner peace.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Divorcing Your Narcissistic Family

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Some families are so narcissistically toxic, being a part of this highly disturbed family tableau is intolerable. You have been a psychological punching bag most of your life. When one or both parents are narcissists together with one or two golden children, you are crowded out by egos so inflated that there is no room for you. As a young child you are at the mercy of these people from hell. What are you going to do? Walk out of the house at the age of five after you have been screamed out and pushed around most of your young life? You can’t. You have to stay because you are too young and vulnerable. Young children who grow up under these dire conditions are always in a state of siege. Some of them learn to become invisible among their own family members. The hide in their rooms and when they are older spend many hours in the homes of their friends.  Narcissistic mothers love to choose favorites–a son who is handsome, dynamic, talented, bright, cocksure of himself. He moves through the house, treating you like a slave. The scapegoated child is subject to varieties of cruelties by their parents and siblings. In some cases two siblings will get close so that they can make protect one another from constant verbal onslaughts, intimidations, jaw dropping humiliations that sear through the heart of a child.

As the abused child in a narcissistic family grows up it can be difficult to feel entitled to lead your own life, to stop blaming yourself for not fulfilling your parents’ delusional demands, for being imperfect. Even if you had been perfect—this is never enough for the narcissistic personality. If you don’t fit into their image that mirrors them and whom they have chosen, you can’t win. So stop trying. Seek your psychological and emotional freedom from your highly dysfunctional, abusive family.

Adult children who take this step are very courageous and deserve our respect. This is not easy but it is essential to separating out of your highly disturbed family of origin. Some find that excellent psychotherapy will help them. As you stop contact with your family from hell and grow away from them and recognize and appreciate your uniqueness and your creative gifts, you will begin to sense a stillness inside of yourself. You will learn to appreciate your uniqueness and discover there are others whom you meet that enjoy your company and your authenticity. This individuality of yours is delightful. You discover your humor, your joy, your capacity for loving others and receiving this in kind. Enjoy your freedom, your lovely heart, your great creative gifts, your growing evolving self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

No One Believes You—Psychological Damage Caused by Narcissistic Parent

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There is a theme that runs through responses that I receive from children of a narcissistic parent(s). The child is subjected to unbearable levels of ongoing abuse–scalding criticisms, withering humiliations in front of other family members and alone, routine secret physical beatings and other horrendous acts of brutality including psychological and literal abandonment. When the child lets family members know what is happening to him, this person is not believed. When the victim of a narcissist tells the truth about his dreadful pathological parent, he is not treated with kindness or understanding. The family is shocked; the victim is treated with disdain and often told he/she is the sick one or that this is all lies to get attention. The narcissistic mother or father gets a complete pass. A masterful coverup takes place and remains ongoing. The child victims become family pariahs. Often the suggestion is whispered that they belong in a psychiatric institution or are in need of intensive psychotherapy.

In some cases the narcissistic abuse has been so severe that the victim needs to work with an excellent psychotherapist to deal with the painful aftermath of surviving a narcissistic parent. The child of the narcissist is doubly abused—Once throughout childhood and another round when he or she tells the truth about the narcissistic parent. After all the entire family must keep the secret intact especially if the narcissist is highly successful, has a high profile, is generous monetarily with certain family members or cravenly sets one child against the other. Does the narcissistic parent feel any guilt about what he has done to his children. Certainly not! He does not have a conscience. If the marriage and the kids don’t work out, he/she moves on to the next opportunity. What about a younger prettier wife with whom he can make more perfect children? Whom does he think he is? a god? The answer is Yes! These individuals are despicable especially when they disrupt and in some cases destroy their children’s’ lives.

Many children of narcissistic parents do survive although they have suffered horribly. They are courageous individuals who never give up even when they feel like they can’t go one more step. They learn the lessons of survival well. Many of them become hypervigalent and suffer from anxiety and depression. Many benefit from highly skilled empathic psychotherapy and other healing modalities: gentle yoga, a form of meditation that works for you, journaling, exercise that you enjoy and spending time with Nature.

I want you to know that I Believe You. I know what you have endured. You are courageous. You deserve to lead the life that was given to you originally. Keep healing. You are taking the path less traveled–the one with fewer travelers, the way that has deep meaning. Here you will find the peace that you have sought all of your life.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Sons and Their Narcissistic Fathers–Spreading the Misery

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Each narcissist has his own style. Some are brash, obnoxious, vicious, reptilian. Others are smooth, so sleek and clever that most people are taken in by them. On some occasions the narcissistic son is an absolute charmer. Bright, convivial, astute socially and driven to succeed this fellow goes far in his profession. He is capable of maintaining marital relationships as long as he is getting his necessities: obedience, praise, adulation, total agreement. He appears to care about his children as long as they come up to his high standards. He loves to brag about their exemplary school performance and their attractiveness. Socially you would never guess that this person is a narcissist. It is behind the stage after the performance that you know better. This smooth guy cannot stop talking about himself. There is no conversation with him. He regales you with his multitudinous stories that feature him as the lead actor. You hear about his professional triumphs ad nauseum. He has a loyal group of followers in  his close circle of Yes men. His focus in life is not insight, self knowing, compassion for others that he puts into action. It is economic success at the highest level. He doesn’t care whom he hurts or decimates as he climbs to the top. His ruthlessness is masked by his ready smile, quick jokes, rambling stories and his handsome appearance.

The narcissistic father is a different story. Cast as the golden child from toddlerhood he indeed is very bright. He has been tested and found to be intellectually gifted. The parents are hyper impressed. The other children in the family are ignored and left to fend for themselves.Bid Daddy Narcissist is brash, rude, insensitive and downright cruel. He makes the most cutting remarks when you are alone with him. The horrendous projections eject from his mouth like filthy vomitus. He hits you in the gut with his verbal blows. You learn to avoid his presence because you know he will corner you and let you have it. He is sadistic with his blows. Many of his family members go along with his outrageous treatment. They all say to themselves: “On, there he goes again.”  Really!!! These narcissists old or young should not be permitted to get off the hook. They are toxic and psychologically injure others, especially their unfavored children and their spouses.

Watch out for these fellows. Narcissists are increasing in numbers every day. Keep your distance from them. Maintain your ground and self respect. Keep them out of your life even if the rest of your social group or family thinks you are overly sensitive or even crazy. You know the truth about narcissists and the destruction that they cause throughout their lives.

You are taking a different path: learning about and activating your real self, using your many creative gifts, opening your heart and showing your kindness to others, learning how to quiet your mind by meditation, using your intuition to develop wisdom and inner peace. These are the real treasures and they are all available to you right now.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Patriarchs Destroy Their Families

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Wherever they go, narcissists are destroyers. Without conscience or psychological boundaries, they head straight for what they want, regardless of the people whom they hurt, wound or destroy. This is particularly painful for family  members. The patriarchal grandiose, ruthless narcissist in his role as father and spouse, turns family members against one another, plays favorites openly, is cruel to those who don’t measure up to his standards–meaning they must mirror him perfectly at all times. Narcissistic patriarchs rule with intimidation and threat. As a very young child the son or daughter of a patriarchal narcissist knows the sound of his/her father’s footsteps and terror courses throughout his small body. His mind is racing as he feverishly searches for a place to hide. “What have I done wrong this time?” the child asks himself. Some children of narcissistic parents internalize these feelings of always being wrong, of not being worthy, worthlessness–without value.

With their volcanic rage interrupting any possible peace in the home, the narcissistic patriarch holds on to his throne by instilling deep fear in his spouse and children.  Day and night his wife and children are in a state of flight. Their nervous systems are worn down by the constant stress hormones that race through their bodies and the obsessive thoughts that this time dad and husband will lose it completely and decimate all of them.

Surviving this childhood or marriage is truly miraculous. After you are free of the narcissistic patriarch and on your own, there is an essential time for healing, appreciating your true unique nature and acknowledging and using your special gifts. Some victims find that quality psychotherapy helps them to work through the painful legacy of those years of maximum ordeal. There are many practices that will teach you that you are entitled to and can feel safe, secure and calm within yourself.  Practicing deep breathing through the nose slows the nervous system and puts you in the parasympathetic mode. Be patient with yourself. Remember you are learning to shift your body from fear and intimidation to calmness, security and a deep feeling of well being.

Gentle yoga with emphasis of breathing through the nose an focusing on doing poses in the moment teaches us to concentrate on what is happening now. As your breath slows down, every system in your body begins to heal. Looking deep within  and discovering your special gifts is an essential part of your healing. By working each day on this new cycle in your life you will find yourself changing. Be patient with the pace of this shift in your new self perception. Pay close attention to your intuition. Don’t let the projections of others interfere with your insight. Move forward on your own path, appreciating the beauty of your personal transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Don’t Stop Trying to Destroy Others

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Narcissistic personalities have no psychological brakes. They have no sense of limits. If they want something and are compelled to go after it, they will pursue their goal even if it disrupts entire families, marriages, children, in-laws, etc. Narcissists are ego-driven not conscience driven. They don’t develop a full conscience. Their idea of right and wrong is based on whether they will get caught or not. When narcissists are crossed they become particularly vindictive and vengeful. If you are in the middle of a divorce they might call, text or email you 40 times a day or more to get your attention or to intimidate you.

They despise the happiness and peace of others. They are very restless people and determined to step over any number of “bodies” to reach their goal. If a male or female narcissist is sexually drawn to a married man or woman even if the spouse is their best friend, they will plunge into the liaison without blinking an eye. It is a thrill for them to have possession of this person whom they want with such passion. In the end they discard this person and move on to someone else.

Protect yourself from the narcissist by learning about them in detail and depth. Learn about your own vulnerabilities to them. Become so skilled that you can pick them out quickly no matter how attractive or irresistible they appear to be. You can become immune to these severely disordered individuals.

The narcissist is never going to change but you can and will. You will prevail by doing research, strengthening yourself psychologically and emotionally, paying close attention to your intuition and become more self entitled to a life of inner peace, the full use of your creativity and all of your other gifts.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Family Members Always Deny Truth

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If you a member of a narcissistic family–whether you are the child of a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father or both, or the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling or are married to a narcissist, always remember that you hold the truth. Narcissists live in a state of  grandiose delusion of their making. More powerful and influential narcissists in the family put pressure on those who are more dependent personalities to convince them to go along to get along with them. I have had contact with many victims of narcissistic family abuse who have spent years at the mercy of their narcissistic families, including their spouses. For years and even decades those individuals in these pathological families who are free of delusion and know and speak the truth are ostracized and become the target of disdain, humiliation and shunning. Often their family members let everyone know that they have a very sick and confused person in their midst. They spread rumors about you when you are the only one who knows the truth about yourself and them and their multitude of secrets and treacheries. In other cases the narcissists in the family pretend that you don’t exist and make you invisible and non-existent in their minds and through their actions.

Narcissists turn reality upside down and sideways and spin it in continuous circles of lies, deceptions, cruelties and betrayals. What they hate the most is the truth because deep in their unconscious they are psychologically empty, filled with rage and self hatred. They are incapable of self understanding or introspection or empathy. Their identity is a charade, a false self that developed when they were very young and will never change.

Remarkably, there are individuals who persevere, research, work through through their personal insights, develop practices that lead them to deeper awareness who come from these highly toxic families and marriages. They gain greater strength and thrive as they extricate themselves from their pathological relationships. It is a different path that they take and a difficult one. So often they feel completely alone. No one understands them or will listen. But they don’t give up. They pursue the pathway less traveled that leads to an ever evolving consciousness, increased creativity, a deep wish to share their truth with others who are receptive. I have deep respect and a special place inside for those who have won this battle for the truth. They are heroic extraordinary individuals. You are not alone. There are so many others who share you life experiences. Be receptive to finding these individuals. I have found that as the society becomes more narcissistic and even sociopathic, there are people whom you will meet that have a high consciousness that always seeks the truth, that welcomes it in you and with whom you can communicate deeply. Trust your intuition to know who these individuals are. Their numbers are growing. You will find them. Work with the loving parts of yourself and appreciate who you are every day, each moment. You are precious and no one like you will ever come into existence again. You are a singular human being. Celebrate this; use every part of yourself. You have resources deep inside that are waiting to be tapped, creativity that is spun gold and a heart that is both receptive and strong.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Nightmare of Having Children with a Narcissistic Spouse

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Marriage, especially these days, is usually not for life. It is not unusual for people to marry a second or third time. Divorce has become more prevalent in the last few decades. Many people have close partnerships and decide not to get married. These relationships are as deep and meaningful as those who are formally married.

Today we have an increasing number of narcissists in our population.  The qualities of the narcissistic personality are highly prized and richly rewarded in many professions and found to be socially popular. They involved great charm, social magnetism, tremendous self confidence, well developed pseudo empathy, articulateness, the ability to schmooze a person in a very convincing way, a gift for taking charge as a leader. Narcissists are so pervasive today that it is not surprising that women and men are discovering them as likely marital partners.  The narcissist can be irresistible. They know how to size you up. They are masters at seduction. Once they have decided that you are the one (of the moment of course) they fixate on you as the one that they adore. They buy you gifts, sweep you off your feet. They appear to read your mind, knowing what you want and desire. This occurs in the first stages of the seduction. It is living magic. You are mesmerized and out of your ordinary frame of reality.

Going through a divorce from a narcissist without having children is very painful and difficult. But when we have children that is a different matter. Having our children is forever. Every moment of our lives from then on will never be the same. We have brought individual lives into the world. We are responsible for them. . The same cannot be said about divorced wives or husbands.

I hear so many life stories of the dreadful nightmare of leading your life, sharing your children with a narcissistic spouse. When the marriage unravels, a decision is made to either stay with the narcissistic spouse or seeking a divorce. Those who stay with the narcissist have a tough road ahead. In some cases the spouse is gone much of the time due to their career. The primary parent is the one that raises the children. However, this is not always the case and the non-narcissistic spouse must cope with this very difficult situation that involves the lives of her/his children.

The cautionary tale here is to become highly informed about every trait of the narcissistic personality. Take you time to do the research. You don’t want to marry a narcissist if you can possibly avoid this. Once you are married and realize that your spouse is narcissistic, it is your decision to stay or leave. I strongly recommend that if you know that your partner is a narcissist, do not have children with this individual if you are informed. If you didn’t realized that you were having children with a  narcissistic spouse, don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t have known who this person really was. When you discover the truth about the true nature of the narcissist, make a wise decision. Often this option is divorce. You will be sharing custody with the narcissistic parent. This is very challenging. Your children know how much you love them. That is the most powerful truth of all. It is possible to navigate the tough road, sharing custody with a narcissistic ex.

So if there is any way that you can avoid having a child with a narcissist, do it. Be pro-active. Arm yourself with the truth.

Narcissistic Father-Running Off with Daughter’s Girlfriend

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Narcissists have no limits–moral, ethical, legal—They are indecent human beings on many levels. If you have a narcissistic parent you know how outrageous they will be. They have no shame. I have known of a number of instances in which the narcissist’s daughter had a close friend who was like part of the family. The young adult daughter of the narcissist was shocked to find out that her father was making passes at her best friend. She kept telling herself this couldn’t be happening. She idealized her father and thought of her mother as weak, an appendage of her father. She was unable to stand up for herself. When college time came father and mother divorced. Dad soon began dating, often seeing a couple of women in one evening. Alice (let’s call her) was shocked by her dad’s behavior. He was acting like a teenager. In walks Alice’s childhood friend, Gina for a college break. Alice feels the sparks fly and the chemistry stir between this man she calls dad and her best friend. Alice notices that Gina is becoming secretive with her. On a particular evening she discovers her father upstairs with her friend Gina in a compromising scene in the master bedroom. Alice is stunned. She can’t believe it. Her father announces that he and Gina love one another, have for some time and are planning to get married in the very near future. That is exactly what happens. Alice can barely tolerate getting through the ceremonies. She is humiliated and feels deeply betrayed. She has lost her father and best friend. This man she has known as an absentee workaholic dad is the husband of a young woman who is thirty years younger than his daughter. To make matters more painful, Gina was pregnant before the wedding and will soon deliver a half brother or sister to Alice. She is devastated. Alice gets a lot of benefit from excellent psychotherapy. She recognizes that her father is a narcissist who was never capable of loving anyone, who doesn’t have any psychological boundaries, who goes after what he wants, no matter whom it hurts, including his own daughter.

Alice severs her non-relationship with this man she called dad and her previous friend and current wife.

Working very hard with skilled psychotherapy and the support of close friends, Alice heals, moves through her grief of never having a real dad and is able to put her own life together. This takes time, patience and courage. She renews her relationship with her mother and forgives her for not being strong enough to stand up for herself. Alice is renewing her life on her own terms. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Family Members of Narcissists-Abused-Discarded-Abandoned

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The current societal climate rewards narcissists, especially high level ones, with stratospheric positions of power. Using their underplayed ruthlessness and a single minded focus they climb to the top by any means. Many in this culture worship economic status above personal character. It is fashionable even enviable to be a narcissist in some circles. Being overly full of oneself is expected—that’s called self confidence. Conscience is overrated. Why stay awake at night because someone who was naive was sacrificed for your benefit.

The painful destructive consequences to the personal lives of the narcissist’s victims don’t matter to a growing number in this culture. Children and spouses of narcissists pay a very high and often tragic price for being dumped and discarded. Narcissists never look back on their abandoned families. Once they are of no use, they cease to exist. Narcissists compartmentalize and have no real feelings of intimacy or compassion. With a whisper of conscience and a maniacal devotion to making money despite personal sacrifices of family members, the narcissist moves forward with warp speed, leaving misery, psychological devastation and tragedy in his/her wake.

Those who are left to put their lives together after the narcissist are psychologically bruised like soldiers who have been in the pitch of battle for years without respite. After the recognition and adjustment to being on their own, these brave warriors begin to reconstruct their lives. Their thoughts, feelings, inspirations, insights belong to them. No one is intefering with their mental processes or constantly criticizing them. They are free to make their own decisions and to seek those whom they can trust and who will facilitate their healing. Creating a life that is elegant in its simplicity, peaceful in its environment and embraces creativity, spontaneity, uses of the imagination and spirit represents the beginning of a renewed cycle of emotional and psychological growth. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com