Severing Relationships with Adult Narcissistic Siblings

Growing up in narcissistic families is one of the most difficult and traumatic situations for children. When we are very young, many of us believe the family story. We are from a good family. Mother and father are great parents and love their children. They care deeply about each individual child. When the mother or father is a narcissist this is never the case. Narcissists by nature cannot be true parents. They wear the elaborate image of parent but this is false. Many friends, other family members and acquaintances are impressed with what they perceive as a loving family. It all looks so perfect from their vantage point. No one views or experiences what is actually occurring in the privacy of the home. I have communicated with a number of adult siblings of narcissists. They tell stories of great emotional and psychological ordeals—one after the other.

These children often live in the shadow of the chosen narcissistic brother or sister. From early childhood throughout adulthood the non-narcissistic child who is not favored is treated with disdain, humiliation and various forms of cruelty. The narcissistic child does not change and neither does his parent(s). Narcissistic parents treat their other children as inferiors. There is no justice in these households. You would think that as adults this pattern would change. This is not the case. The narcissistic parent continues to favor his/her adult narcissistic golden one.

The less favored adult children often go along with the perfect family image of love and devotion. They swallow their words, pretend that everything is normal and even make excuses for the cruel manipulative narcissist in their midst. They close ranks and say: “Oh, he/she is just being his eccentric self.” He/she is awkward socially. Don’t take him/her so seriously.” The narcissistic personality traits which cause such pain to others in the family are considered to be quirks not character traits that are psychologically toxic to their adult siblings, their children and all of those who come into contact with them.

At some point there are siblings who have had enough. They are worn down with the callousness with which they have been treated their entire lives with no consequences to their hateful words, behaviors and attitudes toward everyone but themselves and their golden circles of admirers. When you have recognized your narcissistic sibling and have suffered more than enough, you will make a decision of whether to stay in the family tableau and play your role or to sever the relationship with a very cruel human being. Other members of the family may be on board with the narcissist and will never the truth of his nature. You may be ostracized for deciding to sever this relationship. These are your personal decisions and can be very difficult. At times these decisions divide families.It is vital that we live with the truth. This can mean that we understand on a deep level that we must free our lives from the burden of the narcissistic siblings cruelties, manipulations and deceits. Some siblings minimize their interactions with the narcissistic brother or sister. Often it is difficult because the adult narcissist is constantly causing pain and chaos among every member of the family. He/she keeps the fires of hatred burning.

Those who choose to sever this relationship, do so with careful thought. As they move through their lives each day, they are unburdened and now free to move forward without always wondering when the next psychological ambush, outrageous remark or bursts of rage will take place. We can choose that we will lead our lives as unique individuals who deserve to use our creative gifts, to form and nourish loving relationships and to be true to ourselves. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
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Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists have double standards

Narcissists have “standards” for themselves and different one’s for others, especially those who are not within their privileged inner circle. The narcissist experiences himself as perfect regardless of all of his/her shortcomings, malicious acts, chronic lies, hurtful manipulations and belittling of those who are in disfavor.
This often includes their family members: spouses,children, siblings and those whom they view as rivals they are plotting to defeat. If the narcissist becomes fixated on you because he knows in advance what you can do to enhance his image or fatten his pocketbook and stock portfolio, for a while you are the answer to his dreams and desires. Once he has deluded you and gotten what he has wanted, you are discarded in exchange for someone else whom he fancies will fulfill another grand delusion. If you area married to a narcissist you know how it works with them. They are always right, perfect, without mistake and you are always wrong (even when you are incredibly competent).

When you are a child growing up in a narcissistic household you must do what is necessary to survive.When you are grown and begin to recognize the narcissist as a severe personality disorder, you will recognize with research and your own observations that these individuals are incapable of any real relationships. Narcissists always live by double standards. If you are living with one of these disturbed individuals it becomes necessary in many instances to sever your contact with them. After going through this process which is often difficult and takes a lot of perseverance, you find yourself in charge of your own life, enjoying the freedom of your personal thoughts and feelings and an upsurge in your unique creativity and your pathway to inner peace and personal growth. Visit my website www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Stepmothers-Ultimate Nightmare for their Step Children

There are tales of wicked stepmothers going back hundreds of years. Ancient fairy tales tell the truth of their nature. There are step mothers who are wonderful parents to their step children. I am talking about those who are narcissists.

Narcissistic step mothers cause emotional chaos and psychological distress within the family. When they have children with their new spouse, they often cut off the original family, the children of their spouse’s first family. Narcissistic step mothers are cunning and clever, appearing to be considerate and cooperative with the new family constellation. But they have the upper hand over their spouse. The narcissistic wife slows turns turns very ugly. She has hatched a plan to rule over all of the children and to ultimately control her husband. She caters to this man to making sure that she is indispensable to him, that he cannot make decisions without her. Eventually, these husbands capitulate their control and decision making. They go along with their wife’s wishes on the children of the second marriage. When the husband is highly successful, the second or third wife becomes obsessed with the heady lifestyle, controlling money properties and all assets. The narcissistic stepmother is exceedingly greedy. She favors and give her biological children with her spouse every material advantage. The children of the first marriage have to fend for themselves without the aid of their parent. The narcissistic step mother has won the battle. She is now in charge of everyone.

Don’t wait for the narcissistic stepmother to change. This is a pathologically fixed personality disorder. Study these individuals intently. It is vital that you protect and separate yourself from them. Work changing yourself. Respect your strengths, creativity, the blooming of your potential and every aspect of your unique personality. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Marital Counseling with Narcissistic Spouses-Taking a Big Chance

Many men and women marry narcissists without knowing the truth about their personality structures. This is not surprising. Narcissists appear to have it all—the image of physical attractiveness, smooth social skills, charm, even charisma combined with great self confidence. What’s not to fall for. In the beginning the narcissist is very attentive to the partner he/she has chosen. Many of these masterful manipulators bend to your every wish, even anticipating what you want before you ask for it. They are lavish in their attention and giving. As time moves on, the emotional scene changes and you notice how demanding, perfectionistic, cunning and deceptive they are. For many spouses a time comes when the non-narcissistic spouse has reached a point where she can no longer tolerate marriage to this self absorbed unempathic partner. Some spouses want to save the marriage. They unwittingly believe that they are dealing with a normal person—someone who is willing to go into therapy with the best intentions and try to sort out the mutual and individual issues that will improve their marriage. This happens frequently and doesn’t have a favorable result.

It is your decision to enter couples therapy. My clinical experience has been that narcissists believe that they are superior, have no imperfections, that problems with the marriage belong to their partner. They will either refuse to go to therapy or if they do will sabotage the process. In some cases, they persuade the therapist to take their side. That’s the cunning of the narcissistic personality disorder.

Rather than trying to fix or change your narcissistic spouse, it would be more helpful to you, if you are seeking therapy, find an excellent counselor and see them one on one. It is important that this professional has studied narcissistic personality disorder in depth and has counseled many spouses who are married to these individuals. Think about your emotional and psychological welfare first and that of your children. There are solutions. They may not preserve the marriage but they will help you to reclaim your life, your emotional and psychological well being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Live in Psychological Darkness

The external image of the narcissist is the polar opposite of his/her internal world. On the outside the classic narcissist is frequently physically attractive, highly self confident, overflowing with charm. You feel the strong handshake, the eyes that penetrate your gaze, the rising of the jaw that tells you they are sure of every step. They are in command of their lives, unafraid and sure-footed. They spin phenomenal visions that are fueled by their grandiosity. Many people are fascinated by the narcissist in full bloom, exhibiting all of his persuasive gifts. When you are with a master narcissist you believe that anything is possible and can be accomplished with ease. The narcissistic view of life has no limits. They inspire awe in most people if they are high level narcissists who have mastered control and manipulation of others.

Beneath the glittery, irresistible surface, the inner world of the narcissist is empty, bleak and dark. There is a lifeless quality to the inner narcissist. These individuals are unacquainted with their unconscious feelings about themselves. They have no insight and believe their finely spun delusions. They convince others that they are superior and super human. Their followers are blindly loyal and believe they can do no wrong. Deep in the unconscious the narcissist is drowning in his self loathing and fraudulence.  He feels empty and emotionally rudderless.

Pressure, self hatred, psychological lifelessness, unending restlessness and rage build up in the narcissist within the unconscious. The narcissist cannot contain these overpowering feelings so he projects them like bilious vomit  on to those in his close environment. This includes his/her spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings and in-laws. When they seethe with volcanic rage, the sounds emitted are bestial. Some of them let loose in public. Others save these ugly, rancorous scenes for private venues.

If you share your life with a narcissist, despite the role that you play, know that this person is never going to change. This is a severe personality disorder that is fixed and rigid. The narcissist lives in a psychological darkness that pulls others down into its depths. His/her demands, hatreds, treacheries, mounting cruelties, crimes of the heart mount as the darkness envelops him. He is unconcerned since the narcissist is out of touch with himself. It is those around him who are devastated by his internal psychological poisons. At the core he is putrid like a corpse that has been lying in the sun, giving off the lingering odor of death and decay. How long will you stay and be disastrously affected by this individual. Are there enough material rewards to cover up the stench of his vile deeds and deceits. Listen and you will hear the voice of your intuition rising, speaking to you in a compelling tone, telling you: “Get out now. Leave. Don’t stay or you will be trapped and lose yourself.”

There are many who have successfully removed themselves from the narcissist’s dark inner world. They have re-discovered themselves as individuals. The cracks of light have lengthened. They are in full light now and traveling a different road. Know that you can leave this dark place, that you don’t belong there.

Like our prehistoric ancestors who carried the miracle of fire from place to place, you have opened the warmth and light that has been waiting to manifest itself. This incandescence cannot be extinguished.  Your life has been restored. You are free and open to all that is deep within you. Celebrate, you are re-born. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlifecom 

Narcissistic Women Still Use Sex To Gain Ultimate Power

It may be tens of thousands of years old but there are women today, some highly educated and career competent who use their youth, great looks, perfect figures and their seductive skills  to gain ultimate power over men who they stealthily choose as their targets. There are many more women who are  intelligent, well educated, self confident and highly competent who never take this route and reach powerful positions in their fields on their own merit, intelligence, advanced education, perseverance and very hard work.

The women I speak about are conniving narcissists. Some of them go many steps further down the spectrum of ruthlessness and treachery and are sociopaths. Most people do not recognize the socialized sociopath. These individuals are often very attractive physically, have magnetic charm, are very articulate and are very persuasive about their indispensability. They are also relentless. Once they have decided that a particular man, a very successful one with a resume of high level accomplishments will further their career and satiate their grandiose visions, they hatch a complex plan that will lead them directly to their goal. They are unconcerned if this man is married, has children, must protect himself against liaisons due to his professional position. None of this matters. The narcissistic woman who is married with children easily sets her familial  roles aside without a moment’s hesitation, and moves at top speed to seduce and possess her targeted male. There is nothing else in her mind. She is relentless. You have seen the female cheetah in the tall grasses sizing up her choices of prey. When the timing is right and the winds are in her favor and her mark has shown vulnerability, she slowly gathers indomitable speed that cannot be surpassed and easily brings down her victim for the perfect kill.  With animals these violent actions are essential to survival.

Human beings are more complex. The narcissistic woman who pursues, seduces and vanquishes her target man has been developing into a narcissistic personality most of her life. If you look into her background you will often find that she always took advantage of others–in class, on the playground, with her friends and even adults. She did this with both charm and a special kind of intimidation. Some narcissistic women have many gifts. They are very attractive, bright, quick, athletic and have mastered the skill of manipulating people with their charm, tremendous confidence and their incredible nerve. They are steely creatures who throw all the rules to the winds to get exactly who and what they want.

Sexual attraction and the promise of hot sex is still one of the most powerful tools a woman can use on a man. Most men can’t say No to this level of temptation. The predatory female who is determined to control this man sexually is thrilled by the prospect of “getting him” but her ambitions go much higher. If he is a very big fish, she has already planned how she will use this intimate association to increase her professional power. That’s the operative word–Power. Ultimately, when he falls, she doesn’t give a damn about him. He is a fool like all of the other men she has seduced, possessed and discarded. She will get the most out of her conquest. Soon she will move on to another mark. When she is called notorious, she secretly smiles inside. Notorious–that has a glamorous, forbidden, mysterious, powerful ring to it.  I like the feel of that word inside my skin,  She says to herself.  To learn about the narcissistic personality disorder in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Husbands Juggle Sexual Partners

 Narcissistic husbands are masters at creating the image of the dutiful spouse. They are very convincing on the subject of loyalty to their spouses. The majority of narcissistic husbands stray all of the time. In fact they have multiple affairs going strong at any given time. Some are one night stands; others are mistresses that go in and out of their lives. There are special women that they can’t resist and keep as a sexual security blanket just in case they need to get through the night of their sexual desires. It is amazing how adept these fellows become at juggling many women. If they travel as a result of their business, the sky is the limit. One or two women a night is not unusual. Some professional men including narcissistic physicians, dentists, corporate leaders have ongoing affairs with their female patients. Sex in the office–no problem. It’s after hours–why worry. There are many narcissistic physicians. Our society rewards them with big money, prestige, even worship. Obviously, there are incredibly fine physicians who are completely ethical and professional. I am not speaking about them. If you think your narcissistic husband is playing around on you, why would you stay married. These days it is dangerous to your physical health. Think of the cascade of stds you can contract as a result of having sex with a husband who is having intimate relations with so many different women. When you have sex with this husband, you are having sex with every woman he has shagged. Not a pretty picture. Self care is essential. The next factor is your psychological and emotional health and what is the effect of this kind of marital arrangement on your children. Marriages with narcissistic men don’t work because these men are highly pathological and do not change. Make a wise decision. Sever the relationship. Consider a formal separation and a divorce. This can be a difficult process. You are entitled to be married to someone who truly loves and protects you. Part of your healing can be facilitated by excellent psychotherapy. Be sure you interview several psychotherapists. Get support from those you trust and can call upon at any time. There are many healing techniques like gentle yoga, meditation, and creative pursuits that can become an integral part of your healing. Be kind to yourself. Anyone can make the decision to marry a narcissist. They are slippery fellows, difficult to detect. Learn from this life experience and be grateful that you are taking assertive movement toward your personal evolution. Learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

One Narcissist Causes Pain to an Entire Family

If you know the narcissistic personality disorder well, especially if you have divorced one of these individuals or been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent, you know that this one person can cause extreme stress and psychological pain among the members of an entire family. (This blog refers to male and female narcissists).  Everyone victimized by the narcissist’s destructive traits-chronic lying, deception, betrayal, manipulation, exploitation, emotional sabotage–is

aware of the severe damage that this highly pathological individual can wreak. Narcissists do not care who you are–a stranger, an acquaintance, a close family member, even a child. If you get in their way, they will intimidate, threaten and retaliate if you buck their wills of steel. Some family members make excuses for these horrific people. “Oh that’s just the way he/she  is a perfectionist.” But he is so bright and accomplished–cut him some slack.” I don’t think so when this person is running roughshod over the minds, hearts and psyches of those closest to him. No one person has the right to invade your boundaries, demean you, humiliate you or taunt and terrorize you. I don’t care what this individual has accomplished in the world, how much power he wields, or the size of his material largess.

We are at a time now when narcissists are applauded because they are so driven—yes they move ahead trampling on everyone else. This is despicable behavior that not be tolerated. Those who have suffered under this treacherous treatment write about the terrors and tortures they have endured under the sadism of one narcissist. This happens all of the time but most people remain unaware of the severe psychological and emotional damage this one highly disturbed person has caused.

Research and become fully aware of the true nature of the narcissistic personality psychopathology. If you have a havoc wreaking narcissist in your family, you may have to make a 180 degree turn away and sever the relationship. This can be very  difficult but remember this severe personality disorder does not change.

The quality of your life–psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual–is invaluable. This is where you place your primary attention—on your self care.

Make sure that you get the sleep that you need and deserve. Take up the practice of gentle yoga which puts you in the calming part of the nervous system that brings peace and feelings of well being. Acupuncture also leads to a state of deep quiet. Exercising the way that works for you is strengthening.  Focusing on your unique creativity is an essential part of your healing. You will recover and prevail to lead the life that you deserve.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.