Category Archives: married to narcissist

Dropping the Burden of Image after Divorcing Narcissistic Husband

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After you have divorced your narcissistic spouse and not discounting all the psychological, mental and financial hell you have endured, you are free to drop the image that he imposed on you, down a bottomless well, watch it go up in smoke, wave it an eternal goodbye, say the hell with it, yell with abandon–that was not me!

Narcissists wear their image like the skin on their bodies, the hair on their head, in their innards, especially their cold, reluctant hearts. They forced you to keep a perfect appearance and watched every hair on your head to make sure it was tilting in the just the right direction even when breezes blew. Some spouses say that they were forced to be made over by the narcissistic spouse. Under duress they went through all sorts of aesthetic procedures to make themselves look more perfect. Women who think they have a free will become enveloped under the power and force of the personality of the narcissist. They don’t know their own minds anymore and wonder if they ever did. Some are so enthralled by the life styles they have found with this new union that they are psychologically drunk with the material pleasures that they can now have. If they were raised in a poor or low middle class family this need to have more is part of their definition of “making it.” This of course does not fit all woman. Many of them understand that financial success is not the sine qua non of life. It is essential that we use as many creative and intellectual gifts that we are given and expand and deepen them throughout our lives.

Life is not about coasting along–”Summertime, and the living is easy..” Great lyric but not a blueprint for a mindful life.

When we become only pleasure seekers and avoid pain and the hard work of knowing ourselves, we are going nowhere. We are moving in the worn old tracks of repetition. The outward trappings look different but we are repeating over and over again, going in circles. I have known women even today who have dropped entire careers and found their prince. He adores her and she feels that every wish she drempt of will now come true. He will give anything to her and does. She has landed a very big fish–a prince charming with lots of monetary security and a bulging open wallet and a loyalty to her that will never quit–he needs her that much and she knows it and uses this to the hilt. All she has to do is look pretty, give him plenty of sex and be open to his “brilliant ideas.”  She has bought the entire package. These marriages are arrangements not true relationships. There is nothing deep going on here. No psychological or emotional growth is taking place.

Getting back to unburdening yourself of the narcissistic image demanded in your past marriage. You have defied the narcissist by divorcing him. You are saying: “I won’t live your delusion anymore or play your game.”  “I owe myself my authenticity, my inner and outer voice, the use of all of my gifts and the freedom to express myself as a unique individual.”  After the divorce deluge and the waters have receded, you look around as you heal and put your life back together in your style and way. Maybe this time you long for simplicity–no frills, no fancies, no trips to the moon.–Just you–that wonderful person you were always meant to be–that baby smiling and laughing because he or she exists right now in the world, that compassionate soul with the open heart that warms yourself and others. You are treading lighter on the earth. You feel flexible, supple, more grounded and surer inside yourself. You will learn to treasure your solitude, to embrace your creativity and to find others who are taking a similar path on the best road–the one less traveled.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Vissisitudes of Living with Narcissistic Rage

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You have felt the ever sharp knifing through your body innumerable times if you are married to a narcissist, the son or daughter of a narcissist or sibling of a narcissist.  Narcissistic rage is always on a boil within this person. It explodes at full force without provocation. He/she is filled with charm, magnetism, grace, conversation that moves so skillfully—yet when you are alone, in private the dynamic changes 180 degrees.

Now he is rampaging through the house–yelling, screeching, howling like a person gone mad.If you are the child of a narcissist you remember too vividly how close your narcissistic mother got to your face, her eyes gone wild, her mouth fully open, your nervous system quaking–you telling yourself: “This time she is going to kill me.!” Being on the receiving end of a narcissist’s primal rage feels like imminent death. But you don’t die and wish you had because the primitive sound does not stop. It feeds on itself. You run and the narcissist pursues you in the house. You can’t get away. It’s like a recurring dream that haunts you every night.

Finally, this round is over for now but you know that it will return. The monstrous tone, the menacing look in the eyes, the body that feels like it will strike and flatten you will come again. That you know—but not when and there is the terror. There is a dreadful unpredictability about these seizures of rage. As a result you are awaiting annihilation.  Your nervous system is on vigil, in fight or flight mode at all times, even when you are asleep. There is no inner safety, no secure place in your mind and body where you can go when this human Vesuvius erupts.

As an adult who is healing from the narcissistic parent, spouse or sibling remember that you are entitled to change the way you feel inside. You did nothing wrong. You were victimized by a highly pathological human being. None of this is your fault. You could not have nor can you now change this person.Tell yourself each day that you are entitled to lead a life that offers you peace, security, a feeling of steadiness inside. The body/mind is prepared to heal. Be receptive to this process. You may find that excellent psychotherapy, gentle hatha yoga, forms of meditations, healing relationships, using your creative gifts, music, Nature and all of the ways that you intuit will make you whole. Gather your faith and hold it close. Do the work of healing every day. You deserve this inner peace.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists–Perfect Weddings–Disastrous Marriages

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Everything about the narcissist is image. For him or her image is reality, a reality based on grandiose delusions and visions of perfection. Observing the wedding plans and how they are impeccably created and executed can tell the tale to follow. It is understandable that couples want their wedding day to be very special and memorable. Here I am talking over the top perfectionism. Nothing is more important than the actual event where the narcissist plays the starring role, standing at the center of his universe, the emperor of his domain.

After the soft focus glow of the honeymoon the gorgeous masks of the narcissistic groom or bride slip and we begin to feel and see who this person we married truly is. There are pricks of criticisms that become more frequent and wounding. The other spouse waves them off, thinking: “Oh, he’s just having a tough time today–no point in making a case out of this” or “I am overreacting to him/her because I know how sensitive I am. He has told me so many times.” or “He is making a big adjustment to our being a married couple now. Give him a break.” These thoughts run through the head of the non-narcissistic spouse–always making excuses for the narcissistic spouse even when his vituperative comments are tearing you apart day after day. Next, the always sharp fangs appear when the narcissist lets go with full throated screaming fits that last long enough to cause your nervous system to go into fight or flight mode. Your adrenaline is pumping so fast that you are shivering, have a thundering headache, roiling intestines, feelings of doom.

Eventually the non-narcissistic spouse is worn down, beaten up emotionally, exhausted, spent and constantly on edge. The narcissist’s tricks and ruses become more frequent; the lies overflow and cannot be counted; the betrayals are ongoing; his hatred of you has congealed; his pathological projections are legion. Each  attack has your name on it.

Finally, you are fed up. You do the research, go to therapy, check your intuitions that have been pounding at you for months and years and Yes—You are married to a narcissistic personality, a person without empathy, emotional intimacy, truth, conscience, a scintilla of compassion for another human being. You make your move to sever the non-relationship from this highly pathological individual. You will rescue yourself from this disastrous marriage. As you make the effort and do the hard work, the original self in you is celebrating—Freedom!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Spouses Activate Our Self Destructive Patterns

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It is dreadful enough being married to a person who is constantly criticizing you, emotionally bludgeoning you,humiliating you in private and public, lying about his secret forays and generally causing unbearable stress and chaos in your life. What makes it worse is the way that this sadistic cruel pattern of treatment activates your old self destructive patterns of thinking, feeling and behavior. If you feel “less than” deep inside his/her attacks and onslaughts cut to the quick and you are back into your four year old skin, listening to mother screaming at the top of her lungs: “You are worthless.” Why did I have you?” “You are stubborn and stupid and will never learn.” And on and on. You feel these old etched words and her horrible looks viscerally as if it is happening right now. You become a frightened little child all over again. You were never enough—not pretty, bright, energetic, social, –That’s what you are hearing as an adult decades later when your narcissistic spouse starts one of his chronic verbal attacks. It reinforces the misbeliefs you have about yourself.

When you can finally recognize who the narcissist is, identify him without a doubt and separate who you are from him/her, you have begun the process of healing. Now you can work with your core psychological issues. Until you make that distinction, you are left trapped in his/her toxic projections.

First, recognize that you are entitled to lead your life as an evolving human being, using all of your gifts, enjoying your own company and that of others, being independent and strong within yourself, feeling the healing grace of solitude, the excitement of learning something new and appreciating life in the moment.

You are up to this challenge. You will do the hard work of healing yourself. Some turn to psychotherapy but it must be highly skilled and the therapist must be truly empathic. Others find healing modalities like gentle yoga, tai chi, forms of meditation that work for you, finding a trusting support system and using creative gifts that are now open to you. You can win your real self back. This lovely person has been waiting to give you a hug and many blessings for a long time.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Harming Yourself–Sever Pathological Cord to Narcissistic Spouse

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When you remain married to a narcissistic personality and you have spent years psychologically dancing on hot coals for him or her, you are injuring yourself. It is not only highly unpleasant–which is a gross understatement–it is chronic misery and even torture to continue to share your life with this highly dysfunctional person who will not change. Don’t let him convince you in a moment of vulnerability that the life that you share with him/her is ever going to be any different. As the years roll by, it gets tougher because you are  becoming more exhausted from the cycle of abuse, distress to your psyche, a body and mind continually in fight or flight mode. Some spouses expect to be treated this way because they never had a different life experience starting in childhood. Being treated with disdain, cruelty and deception was part of everyday reality in their family. Life at home was unpredictable, could not be counted on to be steady and warm, was filled with wrenching criticisms and created deep personal feelings of psychological unsteadiness and free floating anxiety.

After leaving the family home and being relieved that the physical tie had loosened it didn’t take long for many of us to find ourselves hopelessly attracted to an individual who at first was so mesmerizing that we were reeling with excitement and runaway desire. If there is a strong sexual chemistry, the pull can be insurmountable. This is especially the case if the man or woman who will become the victim of a narcissist once again has not been able to work through narcissistic family issues and to recognize that they were abused throughout childhood and the years growing up.

We are drawn to what is familiar to us if we remain unconscious of the forces that lie below the surface of our life experience. We all have a tendency to repeat what is familiar even if it is disastrous to us. Marrying and re-marrying narcissistic spouses is a common thread that runs through the lives of many people.

For many, a series of moments accrue into an awakening—”What the hell am I doing to myself/” This man/woman doesn’t give a damn about me.” “He lives only for himself, lies continuously, exploits me, psychologically weakens me, baits me so that I can’t think straight, makes innumerable broken promises that I have believed in the past.” Finally this person awakens and realizes that the nightmare ride with the narcissist will have to stop—Now! No more of this hellish existence you say to yourself. Many victims of narcissists realize that they must stop harming themselves by severing the relationship with this person who is sucking the life out of them every moment they continue their involvement.

They gather their courage, make a firm commitment and specific plans to leave, make arrangements for a divorce, find an attorney who is up for the battle and be prepared to make the life changing transition from victim to victory of the self. This is not easy work but your emotional, psychological freedom and your physical health are worth all the effort. You will persevere and prevail. Reach out to people whom you trust and are with you for the full race and victory at the finish line and the beginning of your new life. You now know that you are entitled to the full use all of your gifts, to have access to your own thoughts and feelings without intrusion and to learn for the first time how to let down, to be at ease within your own being–body, mind and spirit.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Married to a Narcissistic Sociopath–Learn to Place Value on YOUR LIFE

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If you are married to a man or woman without conscience, who hurts others without a scintilla of concern, who demeans and undermines you, who lives strictly for himself, who treats you with psychological abuse, constant criticisms that run through your body that put you in continual states of terror, who screams in your face at the top of his lungs, telling you how worthless you are, who leads a secret life and with great cunning is secretly trying to take away your financial security by lying about his plans for the two of you, if you are being blamed for everything that he is doing (not you), if you are the recipient of the putrid flow of his  toxic projections, if you are always on edge waiting for the next tirade that feels like the tectonic plates and you can’t stand it one more moment, it is likely you are married to a narcissistic sociopath. The very clever and “successful” sociopath is smooth as imported silk. In the social whirl, he shines and glows. People are drawn to him. They melt like butter in his presence. They can’t say “no” to him. Remember when you first met him. You were captivated by this man (woman). You may have become obsessed and he took over your mind and heart. You married him and as time passed you realized that something was very wrong. You blamed yourself and worked harder at pleasing him. That didn’t solve the problem. The problem between the two of you became untenable but you wouldn’t give up, thinking you could fix it if you just tried harder. He (she) betrayed you and you forgave him. He mangled you with personal crushing comments. You were exhausted, spent, done, cooked.

Finally you researched and discovered who this man (woman) really is—a narcissistic sociopath, a pathologically fixed personality that will not change. You reached out to a friend who understood the hell you were going through. Some people respond very oddly to these situations. They act “nice” but they don’t want to hear it. They don’t believe you and think your imagination has taken over. They write you off in their minds. “She’s such a drama queen. She exaggerates everything”, they say to themselves. Forget those who don’t believe you. I do. I know this territory of the mind of the narcissistic sociopath and the treachery and darkness of their malevolent ways.

Your knowledge is powerful. Start Now to place value on YOUR LIFE. This often begins with severing your relationship with this person who has caused you dreadful suffering. Let your healing begin with taking good care of yourself and developing a strong sense of entitlement to lead your own life (not his/hers). Rebuild your body/mind with consistent times you take to be quiet, to meditate (in a way that is pleasant and works for you), journal and watch the words move through you. Let the river of feelings flow and know that you are healing in these precious moments. This is nature’s way–a letting go, a loosening, a softening, and finally a peace announces itself inside of you. Stay here and recognize that this is the real original you that has been waiting so long to announce its lovely presence. The peace speaks inside of you and says: “This is who you  are. I have been waiting for you to find me. I am always with you. I cherish you. I love you.”

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Accuse You of Being Crazy–Not True

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Narcissistic mothers, spouses and siblings accuse their victims of being “crazy”. That can mean anything–that you express your feelings, think independently, call the narcissists out on his mistakes, that you are creating a life of your own, that you have talent and tremendous creativity.  Wherever you don’t fit into the mold that the narcissist has created for you, there will be a target of his/her volcanic rage. Narcissists are so intimidating to most family members that we tend to believe what they are saying to us—even though it is a lie, figment of a deluded person. You are not fitting into the narcissist’s image of how he has molded you.  There’s the rub. Being yourself is not part of his repertoire. Since all reality revolves around him/her, you cannot step out of this very confined psychological space or the doors of Hell will open right before your eyes.

Narcissistic siblings are often sadistic with the chosen victim brother or sister. Having mother or father in your back pocket is a big plus if you want to put your sibling in constant turmoil. He or she gets the blame always for things that the budding narcissist, the golden child has done. The victimized child is not crazy. He lives in terror from one moment to the next.

Narcissistic spouses dispense with their perfect images when they enter the confines of their private spaces and all Hell breaks lose with their screaming demands, their false accusations, their threats to expose you for something you never did. This is crazy making but you are not crazy. The narcissistic spouse is creating chaos inside of you that is intolerable. You don’t think you can live through one more moment. Some husbands and wives on the receiving end are so afraid that they go along with the narcissist and even blame themselves and agree with his delusional accusations.

You are not crazy; you are being severely abused and treated with disrespect, dismissiveness and a complete lack of empathy or compassion. In these instances the narcissist is inhumane. Stop blaming yourself if that has become your pattern of survival–identifying with the aggressor.  Seek excellent professional help and make sure you do all of the research on finding a therapist who is worthy of your trust. Reach out to friends whom you can count on. You only need one. Know deep down that you will prevail over living in a narcissistic family or being married to a narcissistic spouse or having a narcissistic sibling. There are so many alternatives waiting for you. Start to recognize the beauty inside of you–the original self that you always were. There are many pathways to freedom. Trust your intuition to find the one that is suited for you. Listen carefully and let yourself be guided. Meditation in a form that works for you deepens intuition and the guides that lead us to freedom and rediscovering our real selves. You will find individuals whom you can trust along the way. They will help you. Be receptive to the gifts of knowing that don’t come from the intellect. You are learning that you can be calm, that the body, mind and soul are always in the process of healing.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

You are Wiser than Narcissistic Spouse–Sever the Cord

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Narcissists are clever at attempting to make us doubt our inner wisdom. They intimidate and tempt us at the same time. Those with narcissists are in a state of chronic apprehension. “What will he/she do next?” “What have I done wrong?” “Am I as stupid as he/she keeps telling me?”On the other side of the coin are what the narcissist brings to the table and offers us. For some there are financial benefits and lifestyle perks connected with being the spouse of a narcissist. He has no ambition limits (nor does the narcissistic  woman) . He knows exactly how to climb, with whom to become indispensable and whom he must get rid of that blocks his ruthless path.  The narcissist throws anyone overboard to attain his grandiose ambitions, including his so-called friends. These can be individuals whom he has known for years. He has no loyalty to anyone, including you.

Always remember, you are wiser than your narcissistic spouse. You will see many red flags and ignore a lot of them. You will hear the clear voice of intuition, telling you the truth about your narcissistic spouse. Pay attention to what you hear. It is telling you the truth. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled back in with his/her seductive offerings. They are designed to make you more dependent on him and to keep you from achieving your full personal and professional potential.

Once you know who this man/woman really is, create a step by step plan to extricate yourself from the relationship. Cut the cord. If you wait too long, you will become more entangled in his lies, insidious psychological traps and mind bending.

Acknowledge and own your wisdom. This is the key along with your intuition—the ace that you have been hiding at the bottom of your deck. Use it now and for the rest of your life. The more that you activate these gifts the more powerful they become. The narcissist is a weak coward, a false grandiose self, “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”  Develop a practice of stilling the mind. This can take any form that works for you. Make an effort each day. If you miss a day or weeks, return to your practice. This can be formal meditation, sitting and walking, writing each day spontaneously, working with plants in a garden or small space, sketching, painting, walking in a quiet place, doing gentle yoga movements with emphasis on breathing through the nose which calms the nervous system.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Spouses Can Make You Physically Ill

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I want to add to the title here and say: “Narcissistic Spouses Can Make You Physically Ill If You Let Them” It can be very difficult to know if you are married to a narcissist. There are some individuals who see through this personality disorder but they are rare. They don’t marry this person because they sense the red flags of extreme self entitlement, self absorption, bubbling rage and lack of empathy. Others are starry eyed going into the marriage and have been tricked by the narcissist’s incredible charm and special promises to you that your life will change forever as his partner. As the years go by you begin to notice that your spouse is very demanding and creates a lot of stress within you. You have headaches, stomach aches, back aches. You look forward to the time that he/she is away from you so that you can take a deep breath without feeling his constant criticisms and intrusions. You feel the picking away at your self confidence. There is no place to go to have a moment of peace. Some partners are super screamers and go off at a moment’s notice. It’s one thing to hear babies crying; it’s quite another to hear and watch a grown man throwing himself around and yelling at the top of his lungs almost every day or evening. Anything will set him off. Remember the narcissist is always enraged. It takes almost nothing to send these folks over the top and you into internal chaos.

You are the object of this daily stress that builds up day by day, year by year. You find that your body is tight, your digestion is effected and that you have trouble sleeping. You dread waking up to early morning tirades or late night blowups.

Years of living with a narcissistic spouse can take a heavy toll on your physical health. Under these conditions you are constantly in a state of fight or flight–the sympathetic nervous system. Your adrenals become worn down and depleted and can go into adrenal exhaustion. Many spouse recipients of this abuse feel that they are to blame for this dreadful onslaught and it is their fault. That is not the case. You are married to a narcissistic personality, a serious character disorder that will not change. As long as you are with this person you will be the subject of continuous abuse.

Think about your physical, mental and psychological health and the value of your own life. You are not a possession of this person. You belong to yourself and deserve respect as a human being. Wake up to a sense of being entitled to some peace, comfort, your own unfiltered thoughts, creative ideas, quiet time uninterrupted. And always remember that your maintaining your physical health and strength is vital to you.

No one is allowed to make you feel sick—NO ONE!

Recognizing that they have been subject to narcissistic abuse that they do not deserve and will no longer tolerate, many spouses divorce the narcissistic husband or wife. This can be challenging but it well worth it. Many report back to me that they have felt secure, comfortable, without physical tension or pain for the first time in many years. They celebrate their freedom to be their original selves, to be spontaneous with those who appreciate them, to laugh out loud and feel joy, to show affection toward those they love without criticism, to express their feelings in freedom. You can change your life and restore your real self, the person who has been waiting to emerge and be re-born for many years.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

 

I Will Lead My Life Not the Narcissist’s

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We are separate individuals, unique and precious—Our genetic patterns, dispositions, crinkling of our noses, infectious humor, our special hugs, deep thought, creative excursions–and millions of other workings inside of us and outside will never be repeated again. Our time on the earth is given to us. We didn’t ask to be here. And sometimes we wonder why we are, especially when our lives become very tough and seem impossible. This can be the case if we are involved with a narcissistic personality in a marriage, divorce, the child of a narcissistic mother or father, or a narcissistic sibling.

Narcissists cannot have relationships. They are experts at using others, manipulating them, seducing them, exploiting them and in the end, discarding them. If you have been the object of narcissistic abuse, determine that you will put this behind you. You have researched this severe personality disorder. You know that this person cannot and will not change.  He is getting all of his needs met by diminishing the lives of those closest to him.

If you were raised in a family where you always felt less then it makes sense that you would not feel worthy or entitled. That is probably why many women and men are fooled by the charm and magnetism of the narcissist who promises you everything.  Once you know who this person is, start to initiate your own plan to free yourself. From a practical point of view this can be challenging, especially if you unwittingly let him/her have charge of the finances. Nevertheless, remember that you are in charge of yourself and your reactions to this person. No one can possess you, think you thoughts, feel your feelings or be you.

Vow to lead your life your way. Value who you are and find a few people who appreciate you and can be trusted. Work to get physically strong by routinely exercising. Exercise is a practice of strengthening and freedom. It requires some discipline but becomes an essential part of our lives. We are in charge of ourselves. Learning is power. Give yourself all of the tools you need to understand the narcissistic personality in-depth. I have written over 900 blog posts on this subject.

Gather hope inside from your knowledge. Take time each day, even a few minutes, to check in with yourself. Take a few deep breaths in and out through the nostrils and you will feel the relaxation start to flow. Learn to enjoy your own company. Activate the creative part of yourself in whatever form it takes. There is no judgmentalness here, only freedom and the excitement of discovery. You are growing, living, thriving within yourself. The original self is getting stronger each day. Look inside and smile.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.