Category Archives: interpersonal relatationships

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

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Many spouses wait years , even decades on a wild, treacherous ride
with their narcissistic partner. As time passes they become more
miserable, weary and wary about their marital partner. There are many
rounds of couples therapy which do no good. In some cases the therapist
sides with the narcissistic spouse and convinces you that you have the
serious psychological problems that are causing problems with the
marriage. Narcissists are so clever and such fine actors that they fool
therapists with their charm and magnetism. After you have tried
everything possible and are at a turning point, you make the decision to
divorce your spouse.

I suggest you don’t announce your decision until you are fully prepared for every aspect of this event.
In some cases that are particularly acrimonious the spouse has her/his
attorney get in touch with the other side. Choosing the right attorney
is of utmost importance. It is wise to interview several lawyers who
specialize in divorce and family law. Get good referrals from your close
friends but remember that everyone is an individual. It is your
decision alone. In addition to the professional skills, knowledge and
expertise of the lawyer, consider his or her personality. This
individual must have a keen sense of the nature of the narcissistic
personality. You want a lawyer who is calm, competent and your loyal
advocate at all times. The attorney needs to be quick at perceiving some
new ruse the narcissist and his attorney have hatched to sabotage you.
One plan is to wear you down so far emotionally and physically that you
are not up for the challenge. Make sure you take very good care of
yourself especially during this time. Get your sleep, take time to be
quiet and calm each day through meditation, gentle yoga, exercise,
journaling—what works best for you. This is your time. Take full
advantage of it. Keep focused on your personal, creative and
professional strengths. Know that you will prevail.Turn to a few friends
whom you trust completely and allow yourself to be nurtured by them.
Some spouses that brief psychotherapy during this time is highly
supportive and informative. When you form a strong therapeutic alliance
with an excellent therapist it can make a great difference in moving
through this process. Interview several therapists if that is necessary.

Take the upper road but be keenly aware that the narcissist is a street
fighter who hits below the belt and can get down and dirty. You already
know this from being married to him/her. Don’t be surprised at the
outrageous lengths he will go to intimidate you or trap you or use a
well hatched trick to take the financial assets that are lawfully yours.
Protect your children by being tough and don’t lose your cool. The
narcissist want you off balance and out of control so he can show how
disturbed you are. He/she will lie about you. Know that the people who
are truly your friends know exactly who you are and the others who
believe him must be dismissed.

Give yourself credit.
You are about to become free after years of psychological imprisonment.
Call upon the warrior inside of you, the one who knows exactly who this
person is and also knows that you will prevail.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com


You Deserve to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse

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The beginning of healing is recognizing that you are worthy and that
you have unique value as an individual. This can be difficult for those
who not only married narcissists but grew up with a narcissistic mother
or father. From the beginning of life you were treated like an object or
less. No one gave you the special attention you needed, even as a small
child. Your basic physical needs may have been taken care of  (or not)
but there was no emotional contact or understanding with the
narcissistic parent. This person was so preoccupied to himself/herself 
that you were invisible to them. In other cases you were the punching
bag. The narcissistic parent was constantly enraged and you were
conveniently there to receive the blows–the humiliations, criticisms,
threats, intimidations. You can still remember the primal sounds of your
narcissistic mother’s screams; the way she looked at you with pure
hatred. You felt yourself grow cold. Your intestines roiled inside. You
thought you were going to die on the spot. Some children become
emotionally frozen and feel numb. They learn to go into this state to
protect themselves. Some narcissists parents have special sadistic
punishments–putting you in a locked closet most of the day. There you
sat and cried, unable to breathe, not knowing when you would be
released. You felt terror roar throughout your body and mind. Finally
you whimpered yourself to sleep. Some narcissistic parents treat their
children like servants. Small children must clean the house, wash the
clothing and wait on the narcissistic mother or father. There is no
mercy behind the walls of this house. Those on the outside never know
that this malevolent treatment is taking place.

You
can and will heal from your narcissistic mother, father, spouse,
sibling. One of the most significant roles here is in putting your
healing first–make it a priority. You have been living in the fight or
flight mode most of your life. It is essential that you begin to have
experiences within your self that feel safe and calm. Each person finds
his own pathway to healing. We take from different disciplines and
practices. One that helps many people is the use of the breath to calm
the body/mind. This can work through the practice of gentle hatha yoga
poses with emphasis on the breath moving in and out of the nostrils.
When we do a pose we are gentle with ourselves. There is no need to
strain or push. There is nothing to attain. Be present with yourself and
pay attention to your breath. If you are unfamiliar with yoga it might
be helpful to find a class with a teacher who is skilled but also highly
empathic and calm. True yoga is uncompetitive. It is a practice that
has developed over thousands of years and is very effective for many in
achieving greater calmness within the body and mind. Another method of
treatment is acupuncture. This is not for everyone. Some people are
afraid of needles (although they are very thin). Finding the right
practitioner is very important. This is someone who is highly skilled
and experienced and whose ego is dropped. Besides this, you want to see
an acupuncturist who does not have a money motive but a healing motive
in treating patients. Acupuncture treatments lead the patient to
experience the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is
very calm and feels safe and protected. We rest in a deep security as we
let go and ground with the experience.

Writing regularly for
yourself alone is another form of healing from the narcissist. It frees
up your mind and emotions. You are expressing feelings as you release
them. There are no judgments to make as you write. It flows from you.
Spending time with Nature is also very healing. We see the intricacies
and beauty of the natural world and are amazed by them. Some people have
small gardens and find that focusing in the present on their plants and
flowers is part of their healing process. Meditation for some of those
who are recovering can be a source of comfort, quieting the mind and
focus. Do not be judgmental when you meditate. Meditation is not the
absence of thought. It is the effort that matters the most, not the time
you put in. One minute of meditation or prayer is invaluable. Some form
of exercise releases body tensions and calms obsessive thinking. Choose
what works for you. Find your own ways of healing. Trust yourself. You
know so much about how to find you way back. The body/mind is always
moving naturally toward healing. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Do Not Bother with Suffering of Others

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Narcissists are obsessed with their own lives. If you fit into their
their picture as part of an adoring audience that keeps their ego
inflated, that works very well for them. There are followers who don’t
have an identity of their own and feel and believe (especially with high
level narcissists) that they can participate in the glory, adulation
and power of this other person. They psychologically fuse with the
narcissist so completely that they are always finding ways to emulate
him, to make him pleased, to serve him, to seek his approval, to be part
of his elite inner circle. There are many sacrifices that the devotee
make to achieve this purpose. The first being that you give up your own
life to him (her). When you get older, are less attractive, have jowls
beginning to show, there is an excellent chance that you will be dropped
from his presence. Will he care that you have been run out of paradise.
Will it disturb him (her) that you are having a financial or medical
crisis and need his assistance. Absolutely not! Even if you have known
him for decades.

Narcissists are bored by the
suffering, difficulties, illnesses and tragedies of others. They give
you a quick clipped message and that is the end of it. Your problems are
a bother to the narcissist if you ask him for help. After all, the
focus is his life not yours. Some narcissistic fathers and mothers are
aggravated when their children become ill. They might tell this child
that he or she is lying or exaggerating. The narcissist blames the child
for becoming ill and tells the little one he or she is a weakling.

When
you know a narcissist whether as part of your family or as a friend or
acquaintance, have you noticed their complete disinterest in what you
are experiencing in your life, especially if it is heartbreaking or
tragic or a difficult protracted problem. Narcissists cannot process the
suffering of others, even their spouses and children. The are
completely insensitive to what you are feeling. They don’t and won’t
understand your experiencing and are bored by it. They either play it
all down or ignore you completely. Never think you can count on a
narcissistic spouse or parent to come and stand by you when you are in
emotional, psychological or physical pain. This state of yours is
non-existent to them or it is an inconvenience or interruption in their
plans. I have heard life stories of spouses who were very ill and had to
call upon others to take them to the emergency room because the
narcissistic spouse was too busy or away on a trip and incommunicado.

If
a person cannot stop and  acknowledge that you are having a very
difficult or impossible time with an illness, psychological problem,
financial or family crisis, then he or she is not completely human. This
individual is not worthy of your respect. Narcissists don’t change so
don’t wait for the magical transformation. It is not going to happen.

You
can change by recognizing your worth, your meaning and your creative
gifts. Rediscover yourself by severing psychologically toxic
relationships with narcissists. To learn about the narcissistic
personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Men Despise Independent Women

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Narcissists control others with the back of their hand. They have
learned this from childhood. Male narcissists were often controlled by
their mothers. Momma, mom, mother—adored them to use as her puppet and
her psychological partner. She chose her son over her husband. Some
adult male narcissists report that mother comes to visit the family and
in secret tells her son that she wants to go to dinner with him for a
“date.”  The narcissistic male is often psychologically possessed by his
mother. Unconsciously he grows to hate her. There is always an
ambivalence with mother,  a love/hate relationship. The male child
cannot be free and is emasculated.

Ironically,
narcissistic men love the chase and the seduction of women. If they are
married they often have numerous affairs, even hidden children in the
shadows. With each conquest they move on to the next. They never tire;
they are hungry for more females they can conquer.  If they are powerful
in the world and good looking and completely charming, they succeed on a
superficial level. They are voracious in their need to seduce.

Narcissistic
men despise women who are independently minded—those they cannot fool
and know instantly who they really are. Some women are so astute that
after a few flirtatious rounds they have picked up the scent of the
narcissist and turn their heads away. The narcissist cannot have them,
cannot bargain with them, cannot possess them. They are contained and
control their own lives—they are psychologically independent women.
Narcissistic men hate what they cannot own and control and abuse. The
narcissistic man is never free of the mother who controls him even after
her death.  She has put her imprint on his soul and it is indelible.

Narcissistic
men despise all women and independent ones in particular. If you are in
this category, celebrate. If you have been fooled by a narcissistic man
(and that includes a lot of us) but now know who they really are, give
yourself a hand. If you are just finding out that the man you are with
is a narcissist, keep doing your research. It is worth the effort. There
is a celebration ahead for you. Never stop digging for the truth.

Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Leaving Narcissistic Family–Leading Your Life

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Some individuals are surrounded by narcissists from
birth–Imagine—narcissistic mother, narcissistic father, and
narcissistic siblings sprinkled throughout the family pool. What a life
challenge!  I have known of a number of adult children in narcissistic
families who have survived and are now leading their lives in freedom. A
narcissistic mother alone can be psychologically lethal. Those cold,
dismissive women of deprivation who secretly (or not so secretly)
despise their children are quite common. Little children in these
circumstances usually don’t know that they are being raised by highly
deluded people. They are treated with various forms of cruelty. Some
children are completely ignored. They have to even seek their own food
wherever they can. Mother can’t be bothered to provide regular meals for
them. She is too busy obsessing with her image. The only time they
receive any attention is when it is “showtime”. This occurs when
narcissistic mom is presenting herself as “super mom.” There are
the impeccable photographs of the perfect family. The children stand
their with glued on smiles and empty frozen eyes. They are wearing their
best clothing and mother has made sure that everyone she knows will
have this picture of her family. She is the mother sublime, the selfless
one who will do anything for her children. The opposite is true but no
one knows because this is the secret kept within the walls of the house.
Then there are narcissistic brothers and sisters that must be survived.
That is another nightmare. They are forever bullying the scapegoated
child and getting away with it. Often the father is very weak, like
another child whom the narcissistic mother controls and possesses.

 

There
comes a time of reckoning when children surrounded by narcissistic
family members decide that they can no longer be part of this deluded,
cold, cruel group of people to survive. Many of these children leave
home early, find supportive friends, or simply strike out on their own.
This is quite remarkable and these individuals deserve our deep respect.
These are the courageous ones. We are inspired by these extraordinary
people.

 

If you know that you are trapped in a
narcissistic family and understand this psychopathology, you understand
that these people are never going to change. You are different even
though you share the same DNA. I have heard from many who have left
their narcissistic families behind and are now leading their lives in
psychological, mental and emotional freedom. They are using their
creative gifts, discovering true friendships and re-starting their
lives. Take heart—You can do this. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Love–Hate Relationships–Sons of Narcissistic Mothers

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Sons of narcissistic mothers are possessed by them. Their lives are
never their own. Thoughts and feelings of “mother” is always pulsing
through their heads. They are never free of the narcissistic mother. She
is always present even if she is physically absent. The son of a
narcissistic mother has internalized this woman who “adores” him.  In
many cases, he has been her psychological possession for his entire
life. The icon Frank Lloyd Wright had a classic love-hate relationship
with his mother. She called him “her prince”. He maintained the
relationship for most of his life and was extremely ambivalent about
her. She was constantly meddling. She became an albatross for Wright.
Frank was an incredible grandiose narcissist–highly talented but
irresponsible, cruel, unempathic,and outrageous.

The
narcissistic mother creates a false self of her son. She decides who he
is and will become. If he is the golden child, he can do no wrong, does
not develop a conscience, takes advantage of others, is merciless and
cruel to others, treats even his family like dirt. These mothers
emasculate their sons who end up having highly pathological
relationships with women. They truly hate women even through they may be
great flirts and womanizers.

Avoid marrying the
narcissistic son of a narcissistic mother. You will be grateful that you
have learned to recognize a narcissist. To learn about every facet of
the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Let Narcissistic Charmer Seduce You

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Sexual, sensual chemistry is very powerful–if not overwhelming. In a
moment we feel the magnetic pull race throughout out bodies and
psyches. It is thrilling, compelling, riveting. Attraction on this level
is primitive and does not retreat quietly. It is is force of human
nature and evolution itself.  Narcissistic men know exactly how to tap
into a woman’s attraction to them. They have had so much practice in
their lives they are masters of seduction. Most of us feel the first
waves hit us hard. It feels to good we want it to go on forever. There
will be moments when you mind awakens from the intoxication of this
chemistry. There is a part of you that is wise and intuitive and knows
who this man who sits so adoringly next to you. His eyes never leave
you. Wake up and start watching his attempts at seducing you.

There
is a strong intuitive sense inside of you that is protective, independent
and insightful. If you pay close attention to the messages of your
intuition you will hear a different tune than the one he is playing. It
will be telling you that this guy is too good to be true, that he is
after you for a reason of his own. Some of these fellows want to possess
you, like a lovely object, a jewel that they wear so that they can be
admired by everyone. Others seek complete control of your mind, psyche
and heart.

Narcissistic players don’t give up easily if
they want you for a living narcissistic supply. They will send dozens
of flowers to your office or home at unexpected times. They will present
you with lavish gifts. They understand just what language notes to play
with you to bring you closer and keep you in their aura.

Once
you understand that this man is a narcissistic personality, make your
exit. You don’t owe him an explanation. Go complete no contact. Don’t
worry he will find someone else. In fact he is probably juggling several
women at once. There is no point in compromising or dancing around with
this man. The best strategy is to not get started with him in the first
place. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality,
visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com