Everyone is faced with emotional and psychological issues with family members. Those who say their family is perfect, are either fabricating a story or sharing a delusion. Ancient sibling rivalries, feuds among in-laws, disagreements on religious and political principles, long held unacknowledged secrets, painful residues of favored siblings over other family members—these are some of the many issues affecting most families. Enter the narcissist or narcissists in a family constellation. Now you are dealing with serious issues that often cannot be resolved and become intolerable. From babyhood on, the narcissist rules his/her kingdom. Often it is the narcissistic parent who perceives one particular child as the special one, the savior of the family. The parent views this child as perfect, superior,incapable of making mistakes. These children are not expected to be aware of or understand the feelings of other family members or anyone else. The narcissistic brother or sister usurps the power in the household and everyone, including the parents,are beholden to him or her. These young tyrants grow into impossible adult narcissists. The structure of the narcissistic personality becomes more deeply ingrained and hardened as the child moves into adolescence and adulthood.

Siblings who have suffered at the hands of their cruel, churlish, dismissive, demeaning, and in some cases, sadistic narcissistic brother or sister, find that any interaction with them is exceedingly painful. The adult sibling, in-law, cousin of the narcissist, discovers that these individuals who were so superior and self satisfied and critical as children are more venomous as adults. Ugly, hurtful comments spew forth from their mouths, uncensored by any humane or merciful filter. Verbal attacks, petty criticisms, recriminations are catapulted forward in non-ending barrages by the narcissist. At the same time he or she is obsessively telling you grandiose stories of career achievement, monetary success, awards bestowed, honors given.

If you’ve ever been at a family gathering and become the recipient of a narcissistic relative’s blast, you understand the cunning cruelty of their intent and their swift, unexpected shocking delivery. Narcissists are particularly skilled at the verbal ambush and it is especially wounding if you are alone with this viper. Narcissists are brazen and will deal out harsh deluded criticisms in front of family members and strangers alike. Narcissists are double agents and regularly sabotage one family member against the other.

At some point on the horizon, some individuals decide that they are unwilling to take any more abuse or be subjected to the narcissist’s primitive cruel projections. This person says “No” by removing his physical, emotional and mental presence from the narcissist. Other family members stay put, circle the wagons and make excuses for the narcissist: “He’s brilliant, just a little eccentric, loses his cool once in a while. It’s no big deal.” This group closes ranks around the narcissist and preserves the fictitious family fairy tale.

It is your choice to remove yourself permanently from the narcissist’s presence in your life. Some of us make this decision to restore peace of mind and psychological equilibrium. They recognize that there never has been a genuine relationship with this individual in the first place so there can be no meaningful exchange in the present or future.

If you want to learn more about the specific nature of the narcissistic personality–family member, sibling, spouse, ex-spouse, in-law, etc and how to deal with these difficult complex individuals, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi,Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@gmail.com

You might think that this theme is taken directly from a British turn of the century novel. It is both classic and tragic. A scheming family member takes control of the family estate through the psychological manipulation of the parent, acquires executorship and as a consequence his/her siblings are left with nothing but emotional pain, deep resentments and a bitter taste of betrayal. Narcissists have been stealing family fortunes for thousands of years and they continue this form of treachery to this day.

Often a favored narcissistic child engages is a special kind of subterfuge with the parent who views him as perfect and godlike. This child proves to be indispensable to the parent—priceless. As an adult the narcissist begins a complex series of schemes and maneuvers to convince the adoring parent that he is the only responsible and fair one among his siblings to execute the family estate after the parent is deceased. The narcissistic adult child plays into the grandiose fantasies of superiority and brilliance that the mother/father and child mutually share. The narcissist convinces his parent that all of the other siblings either cannot be trusted with large sums of money, are unsophisticated about investments and ignorant or that they are disinterested in the finance realm and would create a failed economic outcome for all the children. The narcissist works with stealth to obtain the role of executor. He assures and convinces the other family members that the disbursement of the inheritance will be absolutely fair. When the occasion arises after the death of the last surviving parent for the inheritance to be distributed, it has already been spirited away to an unreachable haven by the narcissist. In another scenario the narcissistic parent is pressured and psychologically seduced into giving the entire inheritance to the narcissistic golden child, leaving only dregs to the remaining siblings. The conniving is done over many years in secret and stealth.

The finale for the non narcissistic siblings is psychologically devastating. The narcissist often takes a flyer, even to a foreign country where he/she lives a life of monetary self indulgence. For the narcissist, there are no regrets or pulls of conscience. After all, he deserves this fortune. It was the fruit of many years of labor, convincing the parent that he/she was entitled to everything. It was his due,his birthright. Developing a deeper understanding of the ruthlessness and treachery of the narcissistic personalities in your life, including family members, will provide you with the knowledge to protect yourself and to prevail with these complex and voracious individuals. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists always cause psychological and emotional pain. Those who are harmed the most are members of their family: spouses, ex-spouses,children, intimate partners, siblings,friends. Narcissists leave a wake of misery throughout their lives. Some narcissists are sadistic. A sadist is “someone who obtains pleasure from inflicting pain on others.” The narcissist usually doesn’t engage in physical assault although there are cases in which these individuals cross the line. Narcissists are so consumed by projecting a perfect image that they are clever about how they inflict their damage.

An example of when a narcissist’s sadistic tendencies come to the surface is during a contentious divorce. The narcissist often starts off with the commitment that he(she) will be cooperative. He puts the spouse off guard and leads her to believe that the settlement and the decisions about custody will be fair. The word “fair” is not part of the narcissist’s vocabulary. Do not gauge the narcissist’s plan of action or plot based on your moral standards or ethics. During a divorce the narcissist uses intimidation, stalling, empty promises, psychological manipulations and hidden agendas. If he or she is affluent, the narcissist will employ the sharpest attorneys who know and will use every legal loophole to win. When the narcissist thinks he has his soon to be ex-partner up against the wall, he turns the screws—counting on your vulnerabilities and your fears to acquiesce and let him have his way. No matter what the agreement is at the time, the narcissist will always find flaws: “I need one more form; I need more time.” When the narcissist sees that you are scared by his tactics, he feels pleasure inside; he’s got you. He is controlling you and enjoying every moment of it. The sadist is in full view.

The strongest force you have in dealing with the narcissist is yourself and all of your inner resources. Another factor of strength is your precise knowledge of the nature of the narcissist. Studying the psychodynamics of the narcissistic personality, how they interact with others to get what they want, their cruel manipulations and exploitations, will provide you with a solid foundation. Assess your psychological and mental strengths. Embrace your capabilities and know that you are a force to contend with in dealing with the narcissist. Practicing how to be calm, to not overreact to the narcissist’s drama, to act with insight and intuition and to be unwavering in your personal resolve. Your commitment is to yourself and your personal integrity. You will prevail. Celebrate your continued personal growth. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I have been getting emails from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers for a long time. These life stories are moving; they are filled with expressions of deep psychological pain experienced over many decades. In so many instances these children have suffered deprivation and psychological and emotional abuse of all kinds since they were small children. Narcissistic mothers cannot love their children. Some of these mothers appear to have a deep devotion to their child. In these cases the narcissistic mother finds certain qualities and talents in her child that can be developed to enhance her image and provide her with an unending source of bragging rights and narcissistic supplies. Having a gorgeous daughter, academically gifted son or daughter, standout athlete, pumps up the family image of perfection and high achievement. The narcissistic mother watches everyone turning to her as the source of such extraordinary progeny.

In this post I am speaking directly to those adult children of narcissistic mothers who are still suffering from the mother wound—the legacy of having a parent who is incapable of love, who cares only about herself and exploits and controls her children to satisfy her rapacious ego needs. I am reaching out to those who grew up in this highly dysfunctional and hurtful family constellation to stop blaming yourselves for the cruelties, coldness and traumas heaped upon you by your narcissistic mother. No matter what sacrifice you make, how many times you turn yourself inside out and relinquish the sanctity of your life, you cannot change your narcissistic parent.

What you can do is begin to recognize your own value as an individual who has endured and survived a very brutal childhood. Don’t expect most people to understand how deeply you have suffered. I find that very few individuals comprehend the pain of others unless they have consciously experienced deprivation and psychological pain in their childhoods and have worked hard with will and perseverance to unlock and heal these childhood traumas through quality psychotherapy or other healing modalities. You are no longer alone as you were as a small child at the mercy of a narcissistic mother. You now have options and pathways to transform psychological pain, to heal and move forward to lead the life that you deserve—-filled with insight, creativity, compassion, joy and inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Dealing with narcissistic family members is exceedingly difficult. After all, these are our brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, grandparents. We grew up with these individuals. In many instances we share a common gene pool. Even if we don’t, they are part of our family constellation. This thinking is ingrained in most of us, particularly when we were are very young. It is like breathing—father, mother, sister, brother—kin. We are told directly and indirectly to trust our family members. These are the people we can always count on. This is society’s message. But this is not always the truth about our closest relatives, especially if they are narcissists.

If we have narcissistic family members, we can count on this: they are narcissists first and family members, second, third, fourth–often last. This is a difficult and painful truth for those who suffer at their mercy and keep blaming themselves that their narcissistic brother or sister or parent(s) label them–defective, stupid, inept, worthless, naive, even evil.

The narcissist is a master of projection.We all have character deficits but when we are constantly berated with every step and move by the narcissist, we can be sure it is his/her projection. A projection is an unconscious defense mechnism in which the narcissist psychologically ejects his own self hatred and self loathing on to someone else. The highly charged, toxic unconscious feelings the narcissist has about himself are projected on to the sibling, parent, child or other victims who receive and internalize the venom.

Don’t take the bait or ingest the venom. Learning how to specifically identify narcissistic family members will open your eyes wide. Protect and distance yourself from them. Narcissists have neither psychological limits nor boundaries. Be clear about your own boundaries and do not allow yourself to be overrun by the narcissist. Build up your psychological immune system with your knowledge of narcissists, understanding and respect for your unique autonomy and developing strategies for quieting your mind and body as well as increasing your self assertion skills. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Although he/she has succeeded greatly in the world and wields power there and controls his “intimates,” inside the narcissist feels empty and helpless. He obsessively watches the victories of others and is secretly envious. He despises the success of others. After all, he’s top dog, the king in his counting house. Why is your star rising? It’s a mistake, a fluke. If you are a sibling, spouse or ex-spouse of a narcissist, develop specific knowledge and maintain a keen awareness of the narcissist’s inner psychological workings. Get acquainted with his/her specific MO. The narcissist may throw bouquets of compliments to you as a ploy to take you off guard. Don’t buy into these fake ego boosters. He wants something from you that will be valuable to him: power access, social/business contacts, creative ideas. If you don’t give him what he wants, he could throw a two year old type tantrum. He is waiting for you to be intimidated by this kind of a response. He is gleeful at the thought of scaring and shocking you. It is time to disappoint him and to take the reins of your life in your capable hands.

Stop seeking the narcissist’s approval–it’s a losing battle, a waste of time, energy and a source of stress and distress. Even if you were perfect with a capital P, it will never be enough for the narcissist. Part of solving this puzzle is to “approve of yourself.” Come out of the shadow of your narcissistic family member. His/her knowing that you will no longer be the victim and recipient of his abuse is a powerful arrow in your quiver. On an unconscious level, the narcissist knows that you are on to his act. You’re not buying it anymore. You are not part of his audience. You are writing and directing your own life. Taking these steps is the beginning of freeing yourself from the narcissist’s empty power. Reclaim and celebrate the life you were given; make the most of every moment. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I have heard countless life histories of children who grew up with a narcissistic sibling. They have suffered horribly and been neglected by their parents. Many of them have benefited from quality psychotherapy and have triumphed to lead their own lives, out of the shadow of their narcissistic brother or sister.

A typical scenario is that of the older brother athlete. In one family the father (Gerald) knew when his son was born that he would become a professional star athlete. The son (Brett) was physically strong and very well coordinated. Gerald began training his son at the age of three. He spent all of his waking hours, working with Gerald at developing his athletic potential. For Gerald it was an obsession. Gerald was a frustrated athlete. The mother (Janice) was so intimidated by her husband that she had no influence over how her son was raised. As long as Brett performed, he was never taught to treat others with dignity and respect. When he was cruel to his sister Pamela and talked back to his mom, Gerald never corrected him since he saw his son as perfect. As Brett grew he did become a superior player and eventually became professional. Growing up, Brett’s trophies dominated the house. In every corner, there were altars to his athletic excellence.

Brett’s sister Pamela was a non-entity in the house. She felt like a stranger living there. Pamela was on the sidelines permanently. Although she was an excellent student, Gerald never acknowledged the value of his daughter’s gifts. Women in all forms were a nuisance to him, including his wife and daughter. Pamela succeeded academically and became a university professor. She left home early and never looked back. She benefited from good psychotherapy and was able to deal with the psychological deficits she endured during childhood. She studied the narcissistic personality intensely and understood that her brother and her father suffered from this severe personality disorder.

Today she keeps her brother at a safe distance. Pamela maintains her psychological boundaries with him. She is neither overwhelmed nor intimidated by him anymore. She is aware of all of his manipulative games and hidden agendas. Pamela is a success story, an inspiration. She has worked very hard to experience herself as a whole, evolving and secure individual. To learn more specifics about the narcissistic personality disorder and how to deal with these individuals, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com