Good mothers allow their children to be themselves—to be authentic and real. They are not threatened by a child who does not agree with the parent’s every thought and opinion. Narcissistic mothers vary in their styles—not in their natures and basic characters. They are solely obsessed with their perfect image, getting all of their needs and desires met, being the center of attention and controlling others. These traits are the opposite of being a good mother. When you are the small child of a narcissistic mother, you have to go along with the demands placed on you in order to survive. Despite a child’s age, he or she is often able to detect that there is something fundamentally wrong with mother. She is demanding, cold, distant, manipulative and unwilling to allow her children to be genuine and free to express their true selves. Small children in these situations are virtual prisoners in their own homes.

As children of narcissistic mothers grow and become aware that they are being treated with cruelty and dismissiveness, recognize that this environment is psychologically unhealthy. They find outlets of study, good friends whom they can trust and spend time away from the home which has become a lock down prison.

As adults some daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers repeat the patterns of childhood by marrying narcissistic spouses. This is most unfortunate but does occur quite often. Those who have been able to preserve enough mental, emotional and psychological independence are capable of thinking for themselves. They clearly recognize that they can no longer blame themselves for being the child of a narcissistic mother. These children follow their powers of observation, the pain of their maternal experiences and the need to know the truth about themselves and their disturbed parent. Many of them come to the conclusion that there is nothing they can do to change the narcissistic mother. This is clinically the case.

Some children have sufficient psychological and emotional stamina and will to separate and distance themselves from the narcissistic mother. They find other adults who are protective of them and respect and honor their authenticity. These are often adult family members who protect the child from the corrosive effects of narcissism. Many children grow up and finally recognize that they were never allowed to be their true selves, that they were manipulated and treated cruelly as a result of their psychologically disturbed parent and that this is not their doing or their fault. Some seek quality psychotherapy and heal the narcissistic mother wound. They now stand on the strength and grounding of their authenticity. They have come full circle—free from the obstructive oppression of the narcissistic mother and now true to themselves. This is a great victory that deserves our respect and understanding. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You cannot be the spouse of a narcissist and be free to be yourself. I don’t care how independent and talented you are. The narcissist takes space in certain crevices of the mind and heart that cannot be overlooked. Even those with concentration and focus are disturbed on some level by sharing their lives with a narcissistic personality disorder. They nibble away at our hope, creativity and optimism. They are not only completely self absorbed, they insist on taking chunks of us, picking here and there. For spouses who are more dependent and vulnerable, they can leave this person completely helpless, unable to make their own decisions, immobilized psychologically.

Narcissists emotionally and mentally drain those close to them. They suck life out of their children, creating little narcissists out of those whom they think have the best inherent material. They weaken, deride, humiliate and endeavor to psychologically annihilate the ones who don’t come up to their standards. Those left behind, when they survive, can become very strong, individuated and creative. They have been through the worst, having a parent who was incapable of loving them authentically but now they are overcoming this and fulfilling their dreams and potential.

Those who stay with narcissists in endless empty marriages continue to narrow their life options. Always in the back of the their minds they are wondering what he or she is going to demand of them next. It’s like constantly fighting a rip tide. There are no breaks, no respite. The narcissist will never change. Many spouses make rationalizations about the “good times”—the lifestyle, the excitement of having lovely possessions, the romantic thrall of the narcissistic partner, the over the top promises, the dreams spun of pure gold, the going to the heights fantasies that linger in the mind. This is the delusion that the narcissist sells to his/her spouse.

As the years go by—sharing them with a narcissist– becomes more difficult to keep your life options free and creative. Many spouses wake up–sometimes on the brink of a psychological or physical breakdown and finally know that they must get out, even if they have to leave everything behind them. I have communicated with many spouses who have been through this process. It is difficult and and can be frightening. Recognize that as you move through this, there is a part of you that has been screaming at the top of your lungs to be free. After the formal proceedings are over, your time will come. You will return to your original self and find that you beginning to walk, then jog, then run toward all the opportunities that have been waiting for you. Now you have the wind at your back. Enjoy the beautiful view and breathe in glorious freedom. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Growing up in a narcissistic family is one of the most difficult and painful legacies. You have been surrounded by some family members whom you thought you could trust and who cared about you. But that is not the case. In some instances one of the parents is able to give his/her children enough love and attention to be spared. In others, the child is on his own to make his way. Sometimes, brothers and sisters stick together to protect themselves from the narcissistic parent and the golden child that has been chosen and created. Those who discover early that they must fend for themselves have a very hard road ahead. They use everything inside of them to remain strong and move ahead. Some of these children have to pretend that they are going along with the narcissistic parent and obeying them to keep the peace. Inside their minds, they know that the narcissist is cruel and deluded. Other children are less fortunate. They keep thinking that it is their fault that the parent does not love them. I have known of adult children of narcissists who are still suffering, looking for love from a parent who will never give anything to them.

What is extraordinary is the child of a narcissist who becomes a compassionate empathetic human being. Against all odds, this person not only survived the horrendous abuse and neglect of this family but they became a solitary force of love, kindness and compassion to all of those who touch their lives. They carry the scars of what happened in this cauldron of cruelty and neglect but are determined to make their lives different—and they have. These individuals deserve our respect. They are people of high consciousness that bring needed light into a world. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

If you have been psychologically, financially and/or emotionally damaged by a sociopathic narcissists, sociopath, don’t wait for for him or her to be brought to justice –formal or informal–in this lifetime. It is chilling to watch how these non-blood drawing criminals get away with destroying the lives of others.

I am in communication with individuals whose lives have been eclipsed, diminished and disrupted by these people. They are so clever at covering their tracks and if they live and work at the higher reaches of a current society where many value absolute power and materialism, they are assured of being protected by business and social associates that give them praise, veneration and blind loyalty. These tight groups of deceit and exclusivity reflexively close ranks and protect destructive and abominable behaviors.

On the opposite side of the divide are individuals of the finest character. Despite their professional achievements, their socioeconomic status and all of the praise they receive, they never forget that they are no more important or valuable than any other human being. In fact, they are grateful for what they have achieved. They are aware of the suffering and difficulties of others who are not as fortunate as they are.

If you are still involved with a sociopathic narcissist, you know deep inside that your life is compromised and and you are being whittled down by this controlling, demanding personality. I hear from women who for decades have been married to these men and will not leave them. They are paying a very high price for this decision. Their identities have been blurred, their creative opportunities have been squelched and their nervous systems are worn from the chronic harsh criticisms, constant demands, intimidations and betrayals by their partners.

When you make the decision to sever the relationship from the sociopathic narcissist, this is an enormous step in reclaiming your life. It takes tremendous courage. You are demanding to have what belongs to you: a life that is filled with hope, creative energy, the possibilities of reciprocal love and respect and inner peace. Gather your support group around you. Research the best attorneys and interview them in depth. Call upon your spiritual practice if you have one, keep yourself physically strong through consistent exercise. Stay in the present but envision the freedom and all of the opportunities that await in this next phase of your life. Take hold of your destiny with open arms. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are compulsive liars—-they can’t help themselves. This is not an excuse for their abominable behavior. It is part of their psychopathology. Narcissists spend their lives in a state of delusion, a world of their making. They find others to share this delusion with them. If they are highly successful they have no difficulty finding those who are willing to “play with them” and share their lifestyles. At the core of it, the narcissist is a very small petulant child who has major tantrums if he doesn’t get everything he wants.

One of the chief ways the narcissist reaches his goals is through lying—overt and covert lies. He/she often bad mouths others, makes efforts to destroy their characters and professional status to move themselves foreword up the ladder. They have no compunctions about lying to everyone. They have clever concocted stories for each person in their inner circle and for the world at large. They lie to their spouses all of the time, to their children—promising them they will spend time with them and then making excuses at the last minute. Narcissists never show up for their children unless it is the favorite golden child that they have picked to be their alter ego. They are very keen at inventing “truths”—intricate stories out of whole cloth. People believe them, even highly sophisticated individuals who should know better. It is the charm and magnetism that camouflages their perfidy every time. Once the narcissist has established power in the world he continues with his lies. He says the opposite of what he does. He promises constantly and never honors these proclamations. He knows that he can create his own reality and if this involves ripping people off for millions of dollars over and over again, or destroying the lives of his children because he was neglectful and cruel, causing so much stress that his spouse becomes very ill—-none of this matters. He faces those who confront his lying with more lies. And this works for the high and mighty these days. We live in a highly narcissistic age where these people are running most of the show. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Protect yourself from these highly disturbed predatory individuals. Lead your own life, using your many creative gifts. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There are large numbers of children who were “raised” by narcissistic mothers. I use the word raised with question because these individuals are incapable of true mothering. Psychoanalyst Alice Miller describes the psychodynamics between the narcissistic mother and her child: “The child…was the narcissistically cathected object. What these mothers had once failed to find in their own mothers they were able to find in their children: someone at their disposal who can be used as an echo, who can be controlled, is completely centered on them, will never desert them, and offers full attention and admiration.” So many adult children of narcissistic mothers continue to play this role of servant and adorer throughout their lives. Every energy, gift, thought, sense of initiative is quashed by the narcissistic mother. They grow up knowing only that they survive by being and remaining attached, fused and loyal only to mother.

Some of these individuals awaken at some point in their development and recognize that they have been imprisoned in a psychological and emotional gulag. The walls of their psychological cells are thick with emotional brainwashing; their minds are taken over only by thoughts of what the narcissistic mother demands of them. They feel anger and frustration but that disappears when they are enveloped by the darkness and delusion of their mother’s hold on them. This is a tragic life course.

Some adult children through their own self analysis, psychotherapy, personal support groups, the working of their insights—discover that they deserve to be released from this nightmare of captivity. They awaken, shake themselves and start moving slowly toward healing and transformation. They expand the use of their creative energies and gifts that have been locked in cold storage. They begin to fledge with practice like a young eagle from branch to branch. They falter at times. But this is all part of self strenghtening. At some point they are ready to fly from the tallest tree in their environment. Now they feel entitled and deserving to become and manifest themselves both inside and in the world. They launch with strong wings that ride the winds, unstoppable and free now to participate in the beauty and meaning of their own lives. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

On a visit to my favorite green grocer where the fruits and vegetables are locally grown, I was briefly introduced to a woman with her two and half year old son. The child was constantly asking for things and mother was giving him whatever he wanted. He was picking up vegetables and fruits and putting them on different shelves. I moved to another section of the store. Out of the corner of my eye I began to notice a cardholder spinning out of control like a whirling dervish. I noticed that cards were flying out of their spaces on to the floor which was not very clean. The young boy was having a grand time and mother was no where in sight. He had also made a complete mess of some fruits he had taken off the shelves and stomped on. The store owner came and started to pick up the cards. Some of them were soiled. Mother finally appeared. She said nothing. It was if if she had been in a trance. She didn’t apologize; she didn’t question her son; she didn’t leave in embarrassment. Afterward, I told the owner how appalling this scene had been. he said: “It happens all of the time.”

This reminded me of what is going on with children and many adults in this age of over-entitlement. Parents aren’t teaching their children any sense of limits, consideration for others, awareness and respect and good manners. This is another attitude: “I’ve got mine; the hell with you.” Another symptom is the addiction to appearances. There is a plethora of plastic surgeries not only among those who are growing older and want to look fresher and more youthful but by the very young—those in their twenties who must look perfect at all times.

There are many narcissistically inclined who look down on others who don’t own their homes, don’t wear the finest clothing, wear used clothing and drive older cars. No One—–is more important than anyone else—not a person of title, degrees, a member of royalty or the head of a church.

Beneath all of the elaborate show in these individuals are deep unconscious feelings of emptiness and restlessness. What is most unfortunate is that narcissists have no insight and they make other people’s lives miserable. .

There are many exceptions—people who are remaking their lives, who are compassionate, considerate, who are living more simply, who are going deep into themselves and becoming more open with themselves and others and above all, are developing deeper empathy for all beings. I find this very encouraging.

To learn to protect yourself form the narcissist and become informed about every facet of this personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Beneath the surface the narcissist is always seething with rage. Some narcissists are clever concealers. No one in their external environment would ever suspect that in the privacy of their homes they are out of control screamers. It is not unusual for them to literally get in your face. You watch the veins of the face and neck bulging, wondering when they’re going to pop. I have heard many horrendous stories of a narcissistic parent’s menacing ways. Some narcissists carry out physical beatings on their children. Others prefer the psychological torture of maintaining an environment of terror and panic. By keeping the anxiety temperature at the highest levels, children and spouses are in a constant state of uneasiness. This makes them easy pawns for manipulation.

One of the most unpleasant varieties is that of the narcissist who creates ugly public scenes to get what he wants, when he wants it. He will accept no authority other than his own. When he is in restaurants, stores, at meetings and his argument is not going well, he simply turns up the volume to full blast. The people around him are first shocked. Then they become frightened. I have seen many narcissists get their way with this full throated approach.

The opposite is the covert narcissist–that charming, gracious, attractive, “humble” individual who pretends to be a saint but has been plotting your occupational, marital or psychological demise for a very long time. These are the tricksters, those double agent narcissists who present themselves as saviors and then go into all out combat to destroy you when the right moment arises. They are the schemers. You may even believe they are your ally. Never be surprised among family members. When it comes to wills and trusts there is often treachery and betrayal. An aunt, parent or sibling has plotted most of his life to acquire the family wealth, leaving crumbs to everyone else. He or she plays up the aging matriarch or patriarch, tells lies about the other family members, fabricates scandals, even crimes. These fictional tales are believed by the aging parent. The villain here makes sure that he maintains his role as savior to the parent holding the bulging purse of gold. He goes out of his way to be unusually attentive. He orchestrates his meticulous moves in such a way that he is trusted completely and given complete control of the estate and all of its holdings. This knowledge remains secret until the parent is deceased.. All hell breaks loose when the other family members learn the truth of the betrayal. But it is too late. This treacherous deed is a way of obtaining the maximum of narcissistic supplies for himself and at the same time disrupting and eclipsing the lives of other family members. The narcissist has achieved his only goal—winning at any cost. This is the circuitous route his rage has taken—the web of lies, deceits, plotting, secrecy, revenge and destruction. These narcissists have no conscience and never look back on what they have done. They easily justify all of their evil moves. They deserve to have everything. They are entitled to all of the spoils and winnings. That’s the way they play their dirty game, stepping on friends and family members to reach their goals.

One particularly egregious type of narcissistic rage is revealed in the endless fight for custody of children that is waged for years. The narcissists doesn’t give a damn about his children with the exception of a child he can use as an echo of himself. His children are possessions to be used to take revenge and destroy the life of the ex-wife or ex-husband. I have witnessed too many occasions in which the narcissist has used loopholes and machinations of the justice system to obtain a substantial amount of custody of his children. This is not done out of love but spite. Even further, it speaks of sadistic measures on his part that are meant to land a final blow to the non-narcissistic spouse who truly loves the children.

Waging these battles is very tough and requires the support of an excellent attorney who has mastered family law and understands the dark meanderings of the narcissistic mind. If you are in this position, do not give up or give in. Gather support around you from every quarter. You may lose some of your financial assets (or not) but you will have saved your children. That is the greatest achievement of all—creating a peaceful, emotionally consistent and calm, affectionate and loving, affirmative and creative life for your children. This is their legacy–the demonstration of the depth of your love. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many men and women marry narcissists without knowing the truth about their personality structures. This is not surprising. Narcissists appear to have it all—the image of physical attractiveness, smooth social skills, charm, even charisma combined with great self confidence. What’s not to fall for. In the beginning the narcissist is very attentive to the partner he/she has chosen. Many of these masterful manipulators bend to your every wish, even anticipating what you want before you ask for it. They are lavish in their attention and giving. As time moves on, the emotional scene changes and you notice how demanding, perfectionistic, cunning and deceptive they are. For many spouses a time comes when the non-narcissistic spouse has reached a point where she can no longer tolerate marriage to this self absorbed unempathic partner. Some spouses want to save the marriage. They unwittingly believe that they are dealing with a normal person—someone who is willing to go into therapy with the best intentions and try to sort out the mutual and individual issues that will improve their marriage. This happens frequently and doesn’t have a favorable result.

It is your decision to enter couples therapy. My clinical experience has been that narcissists believe that they are superior, have no imperfections, that problems with the marriage belong to their partner. They will either refuse to go to therapy or if they do will sabotage the process. In some cases, they persuade the therapist to take their side. That’s the cunning of the narcissistic personality disorder.

Rather than trying to fix or change your narcissistic spouse, it would be more helpful to you, if you are seeking therapy, find an excellent counselor and see them one on one. It is important that this professional has studied narcissistic personality disorder in depth and has counseled many spouses who are married to these individuals. Think about your emotional and psychological welfare first and that of your children. There are solutions. They may not preserve the marriage but they will help you to reclaim your life, your emotional and psychological well being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com