Ever-Present Narcissistic Rage Projections–Psychologically Dangerous

In dealing with a narcissistic spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father, sibling, you are on a tightrope without a net.  You feel the anxiety building inside of your nervous system each time you anticipate an interaction.  You brace yourself for these events.  Sometimes you are surprised that the narcissist has pulled in his/her horns and comes across as emotionally neutral or stable.  (This post refers to male and female narcissists). At times you lower your guard only to find yourself in the middle of an explosive ugly scene. Once again, you are at fault; you made the huge mistake; you were stupid; you are insensitive and thick headed, etc. These abusive projections of narcissistic rage are endless.  Each time you think that the narcissist has changed and will be different, even civil.  These beliefs keep you tied to the narcissist, his or her source of supply that endangers you psychologically.

Children of narcissists grew up in these trauma producing families. Early on they were victims of narcissistic parental rage that never seemed to end.  To this day you can hear the narcissistic mom or dad or both screaming through your head, hurling accusations, epithets, insults and humiliations. I hear from many of them and it is surprising how empathic these adult children are.  They have survived this cauldron of pain and terror at great cost. Yet, they are remarkable human beings.

Narcissistic personality is fixed.  It does not change.  Along with it comes narcissistic rage.  There is no way around this.  Often narcissistic rage deepens with age and becomes more volcanic since the narcissist is living in psychological delusion and incapable of personal insight.

Separating out and individuating from the narcissist is essential to your personal, creative and spiritual growth. Appreciate who you are, act on your intuition and the knowledge that you have obtained about the true nature of the narcissist.

Free yourself, heal and recover.  You deserve to be at peace, to have relationships of trust and deep caring and the full use of your many creative gifts.







Socialized Sociopaths in High Places

Socialized sociopaths are often exceedingly successful in the world and wield great raw power, have many admirers and loyal sycophants.  They have social and business contacts that are worthy of envy. (This post refers to male and female socialized sociopaths).

Socialized sociopaths draw psychological and emotional blood from their victims, leaving them mortally wounded. Without conscience or empathy, they commit numerous crimes throughout their lives and never get caught. (Don’t wait for karma to catch up with them).

Socialized sociopaths often have a high intelligence and a fine formal education.  From a young age the socialized sociopath knows he is superior to everyone: parents, siblings, friends.  The world and every individual is at their disposal.  People exist to provide them with whatever they want. When you have a “relationship” with a socialized sociopath, you are not in charge. These individuals are constantly projecting their venom on you, using cruel manipulations and deceits, using the ultimate weapon—Treacheries that destroy the lives of others.

With the sociopathic style taking over much of our world today and becoming fully acceptable with their excessive self indulgences, extreme self absorption, image obsession, projections of cold, dark disdain for those outside of their magical, delusional bubble, it has become smooth and easy for the socialized sociopath to move in and out of any social environment, undetected as a psychologically dangerous human being.

Socialized sociopaths are running our prestigious international corporations.  Some members of government fit this definition. There are so many venues where the socialized sociopath thrives: churches, spiritual growth programs, media, global finance, the healing professions. No one wants to speak too openly about socialized sociopaths in high places lest they be questioned and criticized.  When you observe the destruction that these individuals wreak it is shocking  and frightening but time to Wake Up!

Many people have a problem believing that a highly esteemed individual with great prestige and power, commanding respect and deference, could be so predatory and destructive to others.

Family members of socialized sociopaths are often unaware of the emotional and psychological criminality perpetrated in their private lives. The suffering they cause is monumental. As they lead privileged lives, they maintain their Deal with the Devil that remains intact.

Victims of socialized sociopaths–children, spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, business partners, tell horrific stories of their imprisonments at the hands of these merciless individuals. They spend their days in terror, apprehension, always waiting to see when and how they will be punished. Many victims remain in captivity–continuing to blame themselves for the evil perpetrated by the socialized sociopath. When we view them in terms of the horrors that they create, the word “socialized” begins to fade.

Those who free themselves from these vipers never look back. They come to love and understand the true self inside of them that has been waiting so long to move forward.  There is no perfect time to leave. Gather your strength, learn everything you can about their true nature, trust your intuition, take care of your physical health, turn to individuals whom you can trust for support and comfort, listen to the wisdom of your heart and soul.  Soar!

Concealed Narcissists Fool Everyone

Concealeds are the most clever, cunning forms of narcissists. They hide behind their impeccable images of pseudo empathy, self effacement, even holiness.

These individuals fool a lot of clinical professionals even while they are in treatment when their marriages have gone awry. Concealeds pretend like they want to work on and save the marriage. On some occasions they convince the couples therapist that the other party is to blame for the failure of the marriage and flips him or her to their point of view. (This post refers to male and female narcissists).

Concealed narcissists are every where. Some are found in spiritual groups and churches. The spiritual narcissist is a special breed who is masterful at deceit. These individuals magnetize others to them with their pseudo empathy, fake thoughtfulness and persuasion of their devotion to your well being and spiritual growth. There are numerous narcissistic spiritual teachers who fool their followers, take their money, brain wash those closest to them and tell outright harmful lies camouflaged with empty promises. Beneath the holy surface, it is always about them and what they want and must have to fill their psychological emptiness with constant narcissistic supplies of praise, adulation and respect.

Most important—Don’t blame yourself for being fooled by a concealed narcissist. This happens to the most experienced clinical experts.

Practice self care each day. Putting yourself first is not selfish; it is essential. It is possible that if you have been raised by narcissists you may not understand that you are entitled to lead your life with deep inner peace, to have loving and caring relationships that are authentic and to claim and manifest the full use of your many creative gifts.

Self care takes many forms. Get the sleep to which you are entitled; exercise your way; pay very close attention to and act upon your intuitive insights; make friendships only with those who are worthy of your trust; discover a way for you to quiet the body/mind through meditation, prayer or some other form of slowing the thinking process, write spontaneously each day even if this is a few sentences. This stokes the creative process.

Be kind to yourself at all times.

Narcissistic Parents–Terrorizing Their Kids to Be Perfect!

Narcissistic mothers and fathers are on endless rampages to make their children ultra perfect.  No little child can meet the “standards” of these highly disturbed parents. Sometimes there is only one narcissistic mother or father—-Other children are thrown into the impossible role of having duo raging narcissistic moms and dads.  I have had heard from many of these adult children and the horror stories of their childhoods, at times Hitchockian, are chilling–and this is an understatement.

Everything on the surface appears to be in absolute order. In many of these homes one would not find a spot of dirt, dust, particle of food, mud, smudge, grit, grim–even a grain of cereal, sand, rice or a small thin sample of one human hair. And speaking of human–these children grow up in a tidy, sterile inhumane environment.

On the outside, narcissistic mothers and fathers are often regaled as sterling examples of individuals and parents in their communities and the wider world.  They are feted for their accomplishments, creativity, professional excellence, their moral bona fides. These individuals wear many convincing masks that fool entire worlds of people, including psychotherapists, teachers, physicians, neighbors, friends, professional associates. They are beyond judgment because of the perfection of their impeccably masked false selves.

In a society that is breeding narcissism faster than we can imagine, these individuals are raised up to the highest places in their societal groups. No one would ever know that in private they create a chronic horrific living nightmare for their infants, young children and adult children.

One of the toughest problems with these cruel, treacherous narcissistic parents is that the child who speaks up about the reality of his or her hidden frightening world is severely punished, demeaned, humiliated and threatened. “No one believes me”  —-that is what I am often told by the victims of the narcissistic parents. “They think I am crazy, weak, deluded.” After a while some children come to believe that something is intrinsically wrong with them.  This is so painful—like constantly screaming into a cyclone and feeling yourself being ripped away into oblivion.

Narcissistic parents are not affectionate with their children unless it is in front of a camera for a family portrait or on display at social events or church. There is no real hugging, holding or being soothed. These arms are hard and cool, even cold. The parental eyes show no feeling, depth, warmth or compassion. They are blank, menacing, judging and at times deeply  threatening. Parental abuses take place in the imprisonment of the family home. While the physical arrangement can be very attractive and neat to the extreme, the emotional and psychological environment is hard edged, apprehension charged, waiting for the footfall that will strike fear in a child’s entire nervous system. These children never feel safe—Why would they? They aren’t and can never let down. There is no emotional and psychological space for private reveries, pleasant daydreams, flights of fancy.  Night time is a special horror to these children. Alone in their rooms they are doubly fearful. They know that no matter how desperate or even how ill they are,  they cannot call out to mom or dad because either they will be completely ignored or if the parent comes, a great loud storm will appear rather than a comforting mom or dad. Left alone, the child whimpers and cries for the parent who will never come to them in the time of their greatest need. Their fears increase and some children develop phobias, symptoms of post traumatic stress, anxiety disorders.  On the surface, of course, they must morph into mother and father’s perfect little darlings.

As the years go by, children of narcissistic parents suffer horribly. Some of them learn to conceal and protect their true feelings and to wall off their precious authentic original selves.  Other kids get the message that in order to survive they must play the roles assigned to them: scapegoat, golden child, forgotten child, unwanted child, stupid child, crazy kid.

I have spoken and communicated with many adult children of narcissistic parents who have survived these endless wars on their psyches, bodies, minds and spirits. Listening to these survivors is profound. I am deeply moved beyond words by their grit, strength, courage, creativity, compassion, insight and deep humanity. Many find their own pathways to healing and recovery.  This is a long journey with many detours, switchbacks and roads less taken. Here they are—Deep affection, gratitude and joy to those who are on this path each day, moment by moment.


Narcissist’s Hair Trigger Rage

Narcissists dish out their cruel visceral pathological projections. Their rage is always bubbling beneath the surface. When you criticize them in the mildest way they attack you back with a vengeance.  They eviscerate you emotionally and psychologically. Those married to narcissists have to watch them every moment to see when this person is going to erupt into overwhelming rage that knows
no end. This refers to male and female narcissists.

Over and over again the narcissist attacks unmercifully in a verbal manner that is primitive and dirty.  He/she gets in every dig and then some. He brings out your whole history and every transgression he can manage to make you the bad guy, the stupid one, the evil person, the malicious secretive spiteful human being whom he detests and that is so unlike him. (After all he is perfect). The incoming fire lasts an eternity. You can’t stand it. You are feeling sick from the impact of this bombardment. It feels like it will never end. You can’t escape–you are desperate.

You never know exactly when the narcissist will explode on to you. You watch the eyes that pierce through you, the brows  furrow, teeth are barred, the body posture that becomes militant and scary. You wait for the first verbal salvo. When the uproar begins, it is tsunamic—overwhelming everything in its pathway is swept away.

Nothing is sacred to the narcissist’s out of control rage. It doesn’t matter if you are physically ill, if the children are very young and emotionally fragile, if you are completely innocent and not at fault, if you have done your best to give this person the best part of your life–nothing matters, except this prolonged attack on you at this time.  This is the unleashing of the self-hatred of the very badly damaged real self of the narcissist in the form of psychological and emotional vomiting.

In some cases the narcissist starts trashing your home, throwing any item about that is within reach. He/she becomes manically carried away with the rage that controls every part of his being. Volcanic rage has a life and energy of its own. Just when you think it has subsided, it resumes with another cycle of assault and horror.

Those who are children of narcissists, who are married to them, divorcing them or siblings of narcissists, understand up close what it is like to be the recipient of this level of traumatic chaos.

At some point those who have suffered from the narcissist’s hair trigger rage will re-assess what this individual has done to them, the cruelties perpetrated, the years of your life they have stolen, the days and months of terror and struggle you sustain just to get up in the morning and go through the day and to repeat this routine each day, knowing that you are not free to be yourself, authentic, experience joy or calm, spontaneity or creative spirit.

You now know that the narcissist is not capable of changing and that you deserve a life separate from them. Put yourself first each day.  Go no contact. If you are married to a narcissist, do your research regarding a divorce. Do not share what you have learned with the narcissist. Do not let a lot of time go by. So often I hear from women and men who waited it out too long and either kept thinking that they were to blame or that the narcissist would change eventually if they were understanding enough.  None of this will work with them. This is a very fixed personality disorder that does not change. It gets more entrenched as the years go by.

Honor your own life.  Trust your intuition, your knowledge and your higher self.  Know that you can recover, heal and be free.

Narcissistic Stepmothers–Ultimate Nightmare for Stepchildren

There are tales of wicked stepmothers going back hundreds of years. There are stepmothers who are wonderful parents to their stepchildren. I am speaking specifically about narcissistic stepmothers.

Narcissistic stepmothers cause emotional chaos and psychological distress within the family. Narcissistic stepmothers are cunning and clever. They are masters at appearing to be considerate, cooperative within the new family constellation and even kind. But this is a major deceit, a ruse that is designed to tear the original family apart and to obtain the central power within the household. Throwing the original children of their father to the wolves doesn’t matter to the narcissistic stepmother since she has neither conscience nor compassion.

Narcissistic stepmothers have the upper hand over their spouses. They pick men who can be controlled, manipulated, fooled, deceived and emotionally coerced to obey them. They are masters of sexual and emotional seduction. In many cases they have been having an affair with their spouse to be long before the husband is divorced from the previous wife.

These women have no conscience—They have their eyes and the full force of their personalities on the prize–their next highly successful husband. Some narcissistic stepmothers repeat this pattern over several marriages–always moving upward on the social, economic, lifestyle and prestige scales.

The narcissistic stepmother begins by becoming indispensable to her spouse. She makes extradinary promises to him that she loves his children and will treat them as her own. Using her powers of seduction and charm and the full force of her magnetic, unyielding personality, the spouse turns a blind eye to the darkness of her nature and the cruelties of her deeds.

Eventually, these husbands capitulate their control and decision making. They go along with their wife’s wishes. They are both beguiled and intmidated by her.

This is a lifestyle and power arrangement for the narcisisstic stepmother, not a marriage. She controls the money, properties and assets. She quickly has a couple of biological children with her new spouse to anchor the “contract.”

The narcissistic stepmother is greedy. She favors and gives her biological children with her spouse every material advantage. The children of the first marriage have to fend for themselves. In some instances they become permanently estranged from their family of origin. The burden of their sorrows, resentments, regrets is incalculable.

The child of a narcissistic stepmother has a road that will take them to recovery and restoration. You begin by learning to put yourself first. Practice self care by getting the rest and sleep that you need. the food and exercise that is best for you, the individuals that you bring into your life that are supportive and caring. Accessing your creative gifts is a major part of your healing and transformation. Take time each day to have a quiet time with yourself. For some this means a form of meditation, prayer or contemplation. For others this is sitting in solitude and silence or it can mean listening to music that is calming and beautiful. You will find the kind of practice of calmness and restoration that works for you. Be patient and nonjudgemental with yourself. This is a journey to your invaluable true self

Concealed Narcissists Induce Shame in Their Children

Shame is a dreadful, intolerable feeling, a visceral reaction that goes deep inside of us. Often, children carry their shame into adulthood, especially if they are raised by narcissistic parents. When we feel ashamed we want to disappear, to hide where no one can find us.

The narcissistic parent expects perfection from his child. A child learns how to feel about himself through the loving attachment of the parent–the empathy, affection, acceptance of the son or daughter as a unique human being. The good parent accepts his/her child’s true authentic self.

The narcissistic non-parent expects the child to mirror him perfectly and to obey without question and become a source of narcissistic supply. This occurs frequently through the narcissistic parent’s tapping into what he perceives as a child’s  “good qualities” — physical attractiveness, high intellectual capacity, athletic prowess, social skills.

The child with this highly dysfunctional parent is never permitted to be his authentic self–that wonderful spontaneous, creative,  joyful individual that is expressing the real self.  Instead, the concealed narcissist projects shame into his small child from the beginning–telling them that they are always wrong, stupid, unworthy, worthless.  The messages the child receives are:  ” You must do what I say perfectly or you will be severely punished because you are bad.”  “You are an embarrassment to me, a  disgrace, a nothing, a nobody.”  “All you do is make mistakes. What is the matter with you.”  “You are a cry baby. Stop your whimpering, you stupid kid.”  These and other horrid messages are hurled at the child each day. Sometimes they come through nonverbal cues, looks of disdain and hatred in the face of the narcissistic parent directed at the child.

Children raised in this psychological environment of being demeaned and humiliated feel deep shame inside themselves very early.

On the surface the concealed narcissistic parent is all smiles, lovely manners, impeccable image,  lauded, praised and worshipped as an outstanding human being by professional peers, social acquaintances, other family members not privy to their dark, cruel secrets. Those who do not know this mother or father would never guess that beneath the surface is a psychological and emotional monster who is terrorizing and shaming his children.

I hear from many children of concealed narcissists who have suffered throughout their lives with inflicted shame. They have a very difficult and challenging road that they travel to healing, recovery and the fulfillment of their creative and spiritual gifts.

I have spoken to and heard from many of you who are in the process of healing the shame that has bound you and are on the road to rediscovering your true self and leading the life that you deserve. Remember to put the emphasis on taking very good care of yourself for the first time.  Continue to pay close attention to your intuitive gifts and your creative energies.