Narcissistic Spouses Make You Feel Badly About Yourself

No one can make us feel one way or the other. It is up to us to know who we are—positive and negative. This is how we evolve as individuals. When you are married to a narcissist, your life is taken over by a powerful, controlling negative personality. The spouse may be very upbeat, friendly and charming at times. He or she make plans. They tell you how much they love and care about you. These are the “good times” with the narcissist and usually occur in the beginning of the relationship. The narcissist’s mood can change in a flash. He or she can flip and become Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde at any moment. These quick changes are due to what is happening inside of the narcissist’s psyche. The narcissist doesn’t understand himself at all. He has massive defense mechanisms that he uses to unconsciously project his self hatred on to those closest to him–wives and children, and in some instances co-workers. Deep inside the narcissist is psychologically empty. He must constantly go out into the external environment to seek praise and adulation to feel more grandiose and superior.

Most often if you are married to a narcissist you are psychologically embattled most of the time. This person is continually telling you that you are defective, stupid, incompetent and their favorite word, crazy. Even when you know one hundred percent that you are not crazy, this kind of accusation can be very frightening. Actually the narcissist is telling us a lot about the chaos in his own mind.

If you were psychologically abused as a child or had narcissistic parents (which always means a form of abuse) you are likely to internalize these cruel comments and feel badly about yourself. Studying the narcissistic personality disorder is the beginning of your freedom and feeling differently about yourself. You will make the psychological separation from his/her psychopathology and yourself. You are not perfect–no one is–but you do not deserve to be the object of the narcissist’s primitive projections. They do not belong to you. They are all about the narcissist. You will begin to unravel this puzzle and release yourself from the pain you have endured so long. I know you can do it. You deserve to live in freedom, inner peace and to use all of your unique gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Seek to Destroy Those Who Get in Their Way

Today we are surrounded by narcissists–in the media, entertainment, among our neighbors, acquaintances, in medicine, in psychiatry and psychology, in “spirituality”, the culture of many corporations. In the years since Christopher Lasch wrote his brilliant prescient work The Culture of Narcissism (1978) we are experiencing his predictions. We have arrived—-in the Narcissistic Culture. Long ago Lasch knew what would happen to many “relationships” –“Personal relations founded on reflected glory, on the need to admire and be admired, prove fleeting and insubstantial.” The narcissist demands that you are a mirror of his or her perfection. Many people follow the narcissist’s lead because he is holding the power, the force of personality, the delusion that you can become as overly confident, self entitled, as deceptive and exploitive as this person. We discover today that so much of career climbing to the top is based on being ruthless and amoral. This is becoming more the rule than the exception. “Work hard and play by the rules”—Really??? That doesn’t fit with the narcissistic style. In so many corporate venues it is those who are very attractive physically if not drop dead gorgeous–male and female, combined with blind ambition and a willingness to let others falter and fall by the wayside, who reach the highest positions within a corporate structure. These individuals operate without conscience. If someone doesn’t fit into their singular plan of victory, the narcissist will do everything possible to kick this person out of the way, even if this causes horrible distress and financial instability to them—They say to themselves: “You are weak and worthless; get out of my way. I have no obstacles, boundaries or limits. Get between me and my goal and I will annihilate you.” There are still extraordinary corporations and the people in all levels who work for them who have outstanding characters and who still work very hard and maintain the highest level of conscience and concern for the welfare of others.

On a personal level narcissists within the family–spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings–are making the lives of family members miserable, unbearable and bleak. I hear many life stories of those who were trapped in a narcissistic family and who had to survive by going along with the perfect mirroring , criticisms, intimidations and complete injustice of their situations. They have suffered greatly. I don’t think that most people understand, unless they have experienced the malicious face of a mother or father narcissist, know what this does to a child every single day. Know that these cruelties exist and that they are malevolent and in some cases, evil. That is not too strong of a word to describe the psychological damage sustained by many children raised by a narcissistic parent or a narcissistically abused spouse or sibling. These victims are telling the exact truth. Believe them.

Human nature is both sublime and very dark. Narcissists dwell within the prisons of their own psychopathology and that is a tragedy. But the damage that they do to others is incalculable. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand who this person is. Forget the external image–it is fleeting and meaningless. This is the world’s superficial appraisal. It is part of the delusion that has become even more prevalent than at any other time in recent western history. Facade has now become reality–That’s what we are being told constantly.

Pay attention to what is deep inside of you–your intuitions and insights that come quickly with the truth. When you call upon these gifts, you cannot be compromised or vanquished. You are riding with the truth throughout your life, gaining strength, psychological stamina, spiritual steadiness and laser focus. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Are You Marrying the Son of a Narcissistic Matriarch

She may exude perfection in every way. She is articulate, bright, has impeccable manners and has command of herself. Before you go ahead with the engagement and marriage I suggest you take a very close psychological look at your mother-in-law to be. This is especially the case if you are already having small tremors about her self absorption, obsession with image and her iron control of her son—your future husband. People always give themselves away if you are watching carefully. If your intended is too close to mother and highly dependent on her for approval, this is a sign that he is not individuated from her. If he is still holding on to her and over-doing the need for approval by her, it is time to pay attention. Does mother have boundary issues? Is she very self entitled? Does she always speak about herself rather than listen. Do you viscerally sense that your husband to be is one of her living possessions—-a prized golden boy narcissistic supply? There are so many instances when women fall in love with a particular man only to find out that his mother is intruding herself upon the marriage. It is up to the mature son to have made the separation and to put his wife first. With a narcissistic matriarch this can be very difficult. If you buck these women they can become very nasty and make every effort to sabotage your relationship. Does you husband to be always bow to his mother’s wishes regardless of how outrageous they are? Pay attention to the signs and to your reaction to her. What are you feeling about her on a deep intuitive level. Is she wearing a thin veneer of graciousness and sociability that can be removed in an instant. Is she a surface person who is obsessed with her image rather than on developing as a genuine human being.

You are not marrying this man’s mother but if the strings have not been sufficiently severed and he is still holding on to her and she is constantly tugging at him and you sense there is no room for you in the equation, seriously consider taking a big step back. Trust your intuitive judgment. I have heard of too many cases when a woman knew instinctively that her spouse to be was too tied up with a narcissistic mother and went ahead with the marriage—which turned out to be a long nightmare. Have confidence in yourself to make these decisions. Do not feel pressured by anyone, including your parents or friends. Take hold of the reins of your life. You will know how to make this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation:: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Stop the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse and Win

Narcissistic abuse is often generational. It is not genetic. Studies have not shown that there is a genetic marker for this severe personality disorder. However, with many individuals there is a destructive cycle of repetition that occurs. From narcissistic mother to narcissistic husband–from narcissistic parents to narcissistic wife–from narcissistic siblings to narcissistic spouse. There are many other combinations and permutations of these painful psychological patterns.

Having a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficulty psychological legacy you can have. You grew up without a parent who was capable of love, who blamed you for everything that went wrong (according to them) who undermined your taking initiative for yourself, who dismissed your feelings, even made fun of them and told you that you were weak and even crazy. You had a brother or sister who was venerated and adored because he or she was being groomed to be the family star–the chosen one–a young lord or lady of the manor. You were not even second best. In some cases when the narcissistic rage went out of control you were a punching bag–in some instances, literally.

After leaving this house of desolation you found someone you loved. You were swept up by the charm, the energy, the attention you were getting from this special man. It was like a fantasy that had come true. He was too good to be true but you were going for it. Sometimes early–for others late–into the marriage you recognized that you were married to a narcissistic personality. After years of suffering under his bubbling rage, outrageous demands and threats, lies and multiple cruelties, you divorce the guy. He doesn’t make it easy but you walk away to re-establish your life. Some of those who leave the narcissist benefit from excellent psychotherapy. If you decide to take this route be sure to do all of your homework. There are a some narcissistic psychotherapists who are out there for the money, even individuals who collect retainers in advance. Working with a strong therapeutic alliance with a gifted therapist can help you through the transition to becoming a person on your own again. Even if you have had a solid career throughout the marriage, there are adjustments to be made in your new role of running your own life completely without the narcissistic baggage. Give yourself credit for stopping the cycle of narcissistic abuse you have endured all of your life starting with the narcissistic parent. When past memories come to the surface especially those from childhood , be kind to yourself and recognize there and then that you are not to blame for having a narcissistic parent and that you were ripe to marry a narcissist. Let go of this past—do not let it hinder you.

Energize yourself in the new life you have chosen. No one can ever tell you how to lead your life again. You have won. Now use all of your creative gifts to the max and beyond. You will find friends and a support group of those who are not living in delusion like the narcissists. When you meet a narcissist you will recognize him/her immediately. Keep your distance—you know what they are all about–Using you to get what they want. Your life is different now. Some of those who prevail send out the message to others that they too can be free without excuses or guilt. Rev up your intellectual and creative engines–Your life has just begun. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist’s Outrageous Self Entitlement

“The narcissist has an incredible sense of self-entitlement. Everything is about him and belongs to him. He smoothly oversteps the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating them to bend them to his will and his desires.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). The narcissistic ego is so vast it cannot be measured. The narcissist must always keep his/her ego inflated at all times. He is always collecting narcissistic supplies in the form of adulation, praise even adoration from others. The narcissist feels completely entitled to disrupt and in some cases destroy the lives of others so that his needs and desires are met. Along with the extreme self entitlement is an unrelenting ruthlessness. If you are between a narcissist and his goal, even if you are his spouse or child—be prepared for this person to overrun you to get to where he deserves to be. The narcissist looks down on everyone and exploits people all of his life. For many narcissists life is all about money and power. Getting more and giving less is his motto. With his children, the narcissist is a dreadful parent. He or she may choose one standout child that is attractive, gifted and extroverted to become his clone. This is the prized one; the other children are treated like unpaid help. They don’t exist except to serve the narcissist.

The narcissist thinks nothing about a real marriage. He doesn’t have a marriage; it is a business deal. What’s in it for me? Many narcissists, male and female, purposely marry someone who is on their way up professionally or who comes from a family of wealth or who are (in the case of narcissistic women) decades older than they are and can be used to extract money and a great lifestyle out of their partner. Meanwhile they lead a secret life or several secret lives. This is thrilling to the narcissist who is living on the edge of great excitement. He or she is wanted by so many–This is proof of their perfection and greatness.

If you have a narcissistic spouse and recognize these personality characteristics along with a complete lack of empathy, exploitation, humiliations, ruthlessness, cruel controlling behaviors toward you, there are several directions you can take. Some spouses stay in the “relationship” because they feel secure in the material lifestyle and are afraid to be on their own. Others choose to sever the marriage and get a divorce and re-start their lives. Many have done this and report that after the difficulty of their divorce, they have made consistent steps toward turning their lives around. They are growing their creative gifts, making their decisions freely, determining their future. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers-A Pain in the Pit of Your Stomach

Those who haven’t had narcissistic mothers cannot completely understand just how dreadful they are. Each narcissistic mother is ghastly in her own special way. Some are covert and pretend to be good, even holy. They walk around with golden coronas circling their heads. The family members are often impressed with their piety and spiritual devotion. Then there are the flamboyant, grandiose types who are socially very skillful and charming. They are often the center of attention. They magnetize many people to them who believe that they are superior. Above all, despite the outward persona the narcissistic mother always has certain attributes. She lacks genuine empathy and is incapable of feeling and understanding or caring deeply about another person’s feelings, including her own children. What great performances these women play. In private they are holy terrors who cause fear, anxiety, panic and immobilize their children. The exception is the child chosen by the narcissistic mother as the perfect reflection of herself. This son or daughter (in some cases more than one child is picked) gets free reign of the house, never learns how to treat others with respect, has a superior attitude toward himself and overrides the psychological boundaries of other family members. The children who are not chosen are under the heel of the rampaging narcissistic mother. She is hell to live with. Often these women emasculate their husbands and dominate them completely so that they have no say about their own children.

Adult children often report that they suffered from anxiety,tension even pains in the pit of their stomachs when in the presence of narcissistic mom. You never knew when she would threaten you with punishment or take a swipe at you. Narcissistic mothers are tyrannical and get away with it. In the world they are often considered to be wonderful human beings who are considerate and caring and very charming. This is their great acting job at work. So many people are fooled by them. When you tell someone the truth about a narcissistic mother, they will look at you quizzically as if you are being cruel or simply have something wrong with your thinking processes.

If you are the adult child of a narcissistic mother it is past time for you to get rid of the metaphorical or real pain in the pit of your stomach. To lead your own life, it is often necessary to sever the “relationship” because it has become impossible and abusive. Some victims find that excellent psychotherapy helps them to heal. Be careful in picking a therapist. Make sure they understand this personality disorder very well and be sure that they are not narcissistic personalities themselves.

Celebrate your individuality, learn to quiet your mind through gentle yoga practice, meditation–sitting and walking, opening up to your special creativity, finding friends who care deeply about you and are capable of empathy. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Sociopaths—Counting the Victims

Narcissistic sociopaths leave very few people with whom they form relationships–intact. I am speaking here about the sociopath who does not commit physically violent crimes but perpetrates psychological and emotional crimes that destroy the lives of others—especially his/her children, spouses and ex-spouses. The NS is without conscience of any kind. He is very clever at not getting caught. It is very rare that these individuals serve any time in jail or prison. They are often very bright intellectually and exceedingly quick in scouting out and discovering people whom they can dominate completely. All of their efforts are directed toward reaching the highest professional and social circles where they mingle and become friends with people of great prominence and power. Some of these NSs become big fish in smaller ponds (social milieus) where they their influence spreads throughout entire neighborhoods and small towns.

NSs have been magnetizing people and controlling others all of their lives. Often they are very attractive and learned by adolescence how to be irresistible to the romantic partners. It is not unusual for NSs to have a number of paramours at one time. They brashly take control of large sums of money and property from their family members by sweet talking and cajoling one of their parents to give them the role of executor of the estate, leaving brothers and sisters empty handed and broken hearted. This happens too many times to count.
Everyone the NS targets is harmed unless the prospective victim recognizes the depth of psychopathology he or she is dealing with in advance. The number of those who have been victimized by these horrendous individuals is legion. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Dispossessed–Children of Narcissistic Mothers

The child of a narcissistic mother has no home, whether he or she lives in a humble flat or a mansion. When mother is bonded to her child, she has a special union with this tiny human being. From the beginning a baby and young child either feels secure or insecure. Feeling protected and cared for begins very early.

Narcissistic mothers are unable to nurture, protect, be attuned to or open their hearts to their children. They are obsessed with themselves. Even when they are going about feeding and taking care of their babie’s needs, this is done mechanically without feeling, tenderness or any kind of emotional contact. I have heard life stories of many children of narcissistic mothers say that the woman who was supposed to welcome them into her arms, pushed them away, avoided their tears, their smiles, their pain as if they were not present. These women did the minimum that was needed to keep the baby fed and clean. In some instances the narcissistic mother didn’t offer a basic level of care. She ignored her baby for hours at a time while the little one screamed at the top of his lungs, then gasped and finally fell asleep in total exhaustion. As a result there was no bonding to mother. She was like a statue–look but do not touch. There was no warm flesh to hold, no eye contact, no response to sorrow or pain, no help when the small child felt desperate and alone.

Children of narcissistic mothers are Dispossessed–they have no psychological home or any sense of emotional security.In many cases there are mother substitutes who come to the rescue. Often it is the other parent, an aunt, grandmother, a nanny who is capable of giving the child the affection, emotional sense of security and safety that he needs.

Some children of narcissistic mothers spend many of the growing up years trying to make up for the mother love they never received. Many of them repeat the pattern of being treated badly by marrying a narcissist. When that doesn’t work some of them go on to wed another narcissist.

Others are determined to heal themselves. They benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing modalities like gentle yoga, meditation and the pursuit of their creative gifts. Often these children are highly empathic and are involved with professions that involve helping individuals who are suffering psychologically and emotionally.

Adult children of narcissistic mothers have traveled a difficult road to wholeness. We congratulate you–You have made it against many odds. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Are Great Liars

Narcissists lie to everyone, including themselves. If a narcissist is highly successful and socially smooth he/she can lie as easily as he breathes. When most people lie you can perceive certain downward eye movements, twitching of the mouth, wide eyed looks, blinking, body movements that indicate discomfort.When a clever narcissist lies he looks right into your eyes and tells you with every inflection of his voice, every crinkle of his lids, the direct glance that doesn’t avert that he is telling you the truth. These people are beyond good–They are masters of every type of lie you can imagine.Along with this is no sense of guilt or regret. If you are married to a narcissist you have been lied to incessantly.If you are the sibling of a narcissist, he or she never tells the truth.If you are the child of a narcissist you never could believe what dad or mom said because you were being manipulated by falsehood. Narcissists are incapable of real relationships because they are duplicitous,completely self absorbed, extremely self entitled and have no conscience.They lie by commission and omission. They lie because it is convenient. They lie to maintain their power over you.

Once you have studied the narcissistic personality you will recognize these traits in your spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father or sibling. You will then understand why you have had such a painful time with this person even though he or she is a member of your family.This provides you with valuable knowledge and the power to make a decision if you want to continue a pseudo relationship with someone who cannot be genuine in any way. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist’s Perfected Image–Inner Emptiness and Volcanic Rage

Narcissists are always working on their external image—their faces, clothing, accessories, homes, cars, etc. Part of this image that they constantly announce to the world is the perfection of their wives and children. After all they must be on display as a mirror of the narcissist’s perfection. Children who are attractive, talented and bright are highly prized by the narcissist since they are indicative of his/her superiority and extraordinary image in the world. Narcissists are about the surface of reality not the internal meaning. They are clever at manipulated other people, especially their spouses and children, but this is their extreme cunning not any intellectual, psychololgical or emotional depth. The narcissist suffers from an unconscious psychological emptiness. This is often demonstrated in his frequent bouts of vituperative rage. re famous for their volcanic rage which flows out of them and on to their spouses in particular with great fury. This noxious rage is projected on to spouses like an attack of snake venom. What is happening here is that the toxic contents of the narcissist’s unconscious are vomited out on to the victim—spouses, ex-spouses, children. The outer world gives the narcissist a pass especially if he is very successful and prominent. The other reason is that the narcissist plays his good guy magnetic hero role to the hilt in public, including church, business and socially. When a spouse complains to anyone, she is considered to ungrateful or psychologically unbalanced.

The narcissist fools even more people during this current narcissistic age in which everything is externalized—life is a performance. What we wear, where we live, the kinds of investments we have, the brands of our clothing, our shoes, the jewelry we wear, the dewy youthfulness of our faces—–This what matters to so many in the current public mode. The media creates stars out of people who look physically gorgeous and extremely handsome. Many people are so deluded that they believe that how you look and act is the real you—They are WRONG! Trust in your true inner self. Do your research on the narcissistic personality disorder. You are meeting them every day. Recognize them quickly so that you can be self protective. You can say to yourself: ” I know who you really are. You can’t fool me or control me. I know that you project your venom on to others—Don’t try that with me. It won’t work!” To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com