Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

Today we are surrounded by narcissists–in the media, entertainment, among our neighbors, acquaintances, in medicine, in psychiatry and psychology, in “spirituality”, the culture of many corporations. In the years since Christopher Lasch wrote his brilliant prescient work The Culture of Narcissism (1978) we are experiencing his predictions. We have arrived—-in the Narcissistic Culture. Long ago Lasch knew what would happen to many “relationships” –“Personal relations founded on reflected glory, on the need to admire and be admired, prove fleeting and insubstantial.” The narcissist demands that you are a mirror of his or her perfection. Many people follow the narcissist’s lead because he is holding the power, the force of personality, the delusion that you can become as overly confident, self entitled, as deceptive and exploitive as this person. We discover today that so much of career climbing to the top is based on being ruthless and amoral. This is becoming more the rule than the exception. “Work hard and play by the rules”—Really??? That doesn’t fit with the narcissistic style. In so many corporate venues it is those who are very attractive physically if not drop dead gorgeous–male and female, combined with blind ambition and a willingness to let others falter and fall by the wayside, who reach the highest positions within a corporate structure. These individuals operate without conscience. If someone doesn’t fit into their singular plan of victory, the narcissist will do everything possible to kick this person out of the way, even if this causes horrible distress and financial instability to them—They say to themselves: “You are weak and worthless; get out of my way. I have no obstacles, boundaries or limits. Get between me and my goal and I will annihilate you.” There are still extraordinary corporations and the people in all levels who work for them who have outstanding characters and who still work very hard and maintain the highest level of conscience and concern for the welfare of others.

On a personal level narcissists within the family–spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings–are making the lives of family members miserable, unbearable and bleak. I hear many life stories of those who were trapped in a narcissistic family and who had to survive by going along with the perfect mirroring , criticisms, intimidations and complete injustice of their situations. They have suffered greatly. I don’t think that most people understand, unless they have experienced the malicious face of a mother or father narcissist, know what this does to a child every single day. Know that these cruelties exist and that they are malevolent and in some cases, evil. That is not too strong of a word to describe the psychological damage sustained by many children raised by a narcissistic parent or a narcissistically abused spouse or sibling. These victims are telling the exact truth. Believe them.

Human nature is both sublime and very dark. Narcissists dwell within the prisons of their own psychopathology and that is a tragedy. But the damage that they do to others is incalculable. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand who this person is. Forget the external image–it is fleeting and meaningless. This is the world’s superficial appraisal. It is part of the delusion that has become even more prevalent than at any other time in recent western history. Facade has now become reality–That’s what we are being told constantly.

Pay attention to what is deep inside of you–your intuitions and insights that come quickly with the truth. When you call upon these gifts, you cannot be compromised or vanquished. You are riding with the truth throughout your life, gaining strength, psychological stamina, spiritual steadiness and laser focus. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many individuals have been married for some time before they discover they have an impossible narcissistic in-law. Most of us take people the way that they present themselves. If your spouse has a sister who has an intolerable personality it can be very difficult to decide how to interact with these individuals. As a couple it is essential that you protect your marital relationship. I have heard many stories of narcissistic in-laws who made the lives of the other families very uncomfortable and awkward. If you are recently married it can be challenging to mention that you husband’s sister is constantly snipping at you, gossiping about you to her friends and family members and treating you coldly when not in public. Many family members will believe the in-law if she is charming and highly convincing. This in-law is often jealous of you. She doesn’t not want you to be a member of the family and lays the groundwork for gossiping about you, telling lies about your family background and using other forms of damaging your character. All of these claims on based on lies and vindictiveness. You and your spouse must join together to resolve this problem. The narcissistic in-law is not going to change. Ask you spouse to read the research you have studied on the narcissistic personality. Work as a team. In the beginning it may be difficult for the sibling of the narcissist to acknowledge that she is highly disturbed and causing psychological pain and deep strains and unhappiness in the family. Make sure your spouse is on your side. If the spouse is on your side and highly involved in helping you, your relationship is solid. There is no point to telling your narcissistic relative that he or she has a serious personality disorder. This will simply get the narcissist’s back up and can bring some sympathy to this person in the role of vicitm.

Minimize all contact with the narcissistic in-law. The less contact you have with this person’s toxic projections, the better Discuss strategies with your spouse. Make sure that this person understands the seriousness of this disorder. Do not be concerned if other family members do not understand. In many cases they will wonder why you are not spending more time with this in-law. keep your own counsel and follow what is best for you and your immediate family. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Narcissistic men, especially those that know how to turn on the charm and male provocativeness on a moment’s notice appear to do very well with women in the romantic department. This is particularly true if they are successful in business or their profession. If they are physically attractive and in addition have that over-confident sparkle, women are drawn to them like honey. They have their pick of women and use it to their fullest advantage. However, they are incapable of forming a genuine relationship with a woman or anyone else.
Many narcissistic men, especially those who are golden boys of their narcissistic mothers are emasculated. They have psychologically fused with the mother very early and as a result mama own them. They were molded as very young boys, adored by the narcissistic mother, told they were superior and could do no wrong, allowed to be very cruel to their siblings and school mates and given no sense of limits. With some of these mothers there is an erotic tie between mother and son that the mother perpetuates. She chooses her son over her husband as an object of her female attention. These scenarios are not literally acted out but the psychological fusion is powerful. The narcissistic son is owned by his mother–she is his psychological partner.
This boy and then adult male cannot release himself from mother or his own narcissism. Deep inside he both fears and hates women. This, despite every woman he has seduce or claimed to love. This narcissistic maternal tie remains unbroken. Women married to these men are treated with psychological abuse—screaming rages, humiliations, accusations, threats and horrendous projections, are in a constant state of fear.

In many cases the spouse recognizes that she can no longer take this abuse, researches the narcissistic personality and recognizes that her narcissistic husband will always belong to mama.

Women who leave their emasculated narcissistic spouses are greatly relieved and move toward leading their own lives. Many of them find genuine men who are capable of loving women and sharing their lives with them. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

She may exude perfection in every way. She is articulate, bright, has impeccable manners and has command of herself. Before you go ahead with the engagement and marriage I suggest you take a very close psychological look at your mother-in-law to be. This is especially the case if you are already having small tremors about her self absorption, obsession with image and her iron control of her son—your future husband. People always give themselves away if you are watching carefully. If your intended is too close to mother and highly dependent on her for approval, this is a sign that he is not individuated from her. If he is still holding on to her and over-doing the need for approval by her, it is time to pay attention. Does mother have boundary issues? Is she very self entitled? Does she always speak about herself rather than listen. Do you viscerally sense that your husband to be is one of her living possessions—-a prized golden boy narcissistic supply? There are so many instances when women fall in love with a particular man only to find out that his mother is intruding herself upon the marriage. It is up to the mature son to have made the separation and to put his wife first. With a narcissistic matriarch this can be very difficult. If you buck these women they can become very nasty and make every effort to sabotage your relationship. Does you husband to be always bow to his mother’s wishes regardless of how outrageous they are? Pay attention to the signs and to your reaction to her. What are you feeling about her on a deep intuitive level. Is she wearing a thin veneer of graciousness and sociability that can be removed in an instant. Is she a surface person who is obsessed with her image rather than on developing as a genuine human being.

You are not marrying this man’s mother but if the strings have not been sufficiently severed and he is still holding on to her and she is constantly tugging at him and you sense there is no room for you in the equation, seriously consider taking a big step back. Trust your intuitive judgment. I have heard of too many cases when a woman knew instinctively that her spouse to be was too tied up with a narcissistic mother and went ahead with the marriage—which turned out to be a long nightmare. Have confidence in yourself to make these decisions. Do not feel pressured by anyone, including your parents or friends. Take hold of the reins of your life. You will know how to make this decision. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D
Telephone Consultation:: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

Narcissistic abuse is often generational. It is not genetic. Studies have not shown that there is a genetic marker for this severe personality disorder. However, with many individuals there is a destructive cycle of repetition that occurs. From narcissistic mother to narcissistic husband–from narcissistic parents to narcissistic wife–from narcissistic siblings to narcissistic spouse. There are many other combinations and permutations of these painful psychological patterns.

Having a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficulty psychological legacy you can have. You grew up without a parent who was capable of love, who blamed you for everything that went wrong (according to them) who undermined your taking initiative for yourself, who dismissed your feelings, even made fun of them and told you that you were weak and even crazy. You had a brother or sister who was venerated and adored because he or she was being groomed to be the family star–the chosen one–a young lord or lady of the manor. You were not even second best. In some cases when the narcissistic rage went out of control you were a punching bag–in some instances, literally.

After leaving this house of desolation you found someone you loved. You were swept up by the charm, the energy, the attention you were getting from this special man. It was like a fantasy that had come true. He was too good to be true but you were going for it. Sometimes early–for others late–into the marriage you recognized that you were married to a narcissistic personality. After years of suffering under his bubbling rage, outrageous demands and threats, lies and multiple cruelties, you divorce the guy. He doesn’t make it easy but you walk away to re-establish your life. Some of those who leave the narcissist benefit from excellent psychotherapy. If you decide to take this route be sure to do all of your homework. There are a some narcissistic psychotherapists who are out there for the money, even individuals who collect retainers in advance. Working with a strong therapeutic alliance with a gifted therapist can help you through the transition to becoming a person on your own again. Even if you have had a solid career throughout the marriage, there are adjustments to be made in your new role of running your own life completely without the narcissistic baggage. Give yourself credit for stopping the cycle of narcissistic abuse you have endured all of your life starting with the narcissistic parent. When past memories come to the surface especially those from childhood , be kind to yourself and recognize there and then that you are not to blame for having a narcissistic parent and that you were ripe to marry a narcissist. Let go of this past—do not let it hinder you.

Energize yourself in the new life you have chosen. No one can ever tell you how to lead your life again. You have won. Now use all of your creative gifts to the max and beyond. You will find friends and a support group of those who are not living in delusion like the narcissists. When you meet a narcissist you will recognize him/her immediately. Keep your distance—you know what they are all about–Using you to get what they want. Your life is different now. Some of those who prevail send out the message to others that they too can be free without excuses or guilt. Rev up your intellectual and creative engines–Your life has just begun. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“The narcissist has an incredible sense of self-entitlement. Everything is about him and belongs to him. He smoothly oversteps the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating them to bend them to his will and his desires.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). The narcissistic ego is so vast it cannot be measured. The narcissist must always keep his/her ego inflated at all times. He is always collecting narcissistic supplies in the form of adulation, praise even adoration from others. The narcissist feels completely entitled to disrupt and in some cases destroy the lives of others so that his needs and desires are met. Along with the extreme self entitlement is an unrelenting ruthlessness. If you are between a narcissist and his goal, even if you are his spouse or child—be prepared for this person to overrun you to get to where he deserves to be. The narcissist looks down on everyone and exploits people all of his life. For many narcissists life is all about money and power. Getting more and giving less is his motto. With his children, the narcissist is a dreadful parent. He or she may choose one standout child that is attractive, gifted and extroverted to become his clone. This is the prized one; the other children are treated like unpaid help. They don’t exist except to serve the narcissist.

The narcissist thinks nothing about a real marriage. He doesn’t have a marriage; it is a business deal. What’s in it for me? Many narcissists, male and female, purposely marry someone who is on their way up professionally or who comes from a family of wealth or who are (in the case of narcissistic women) decades older than they are and can be used to extract money and a great lifestyle out of their partner. Meanwhile they lead a secret life or several secret lives. This is thrilling to the narcissist who is living on the edge of great excitement. He or she is wanted by so many–This is proof of their perfection and greatness.

If you have a narcissistic spouse and recognize these personality characteristics along with a complete lack of empathy, exploitation, humiliations, ruthlessness, cruel controlling behaviors toward you, there are several directions you can take. Some spouses stay in the “relationship” because they feel secure in the material lifestyle and are afraid to be on their own. Others choose to sever the marriage and get a divorce and re-start their lives. Many have done this and report that after the difficulty of their divorce, they have made consistent steps toward turning their lives around. They are growing their creative gifts, making their decisions freely, determining their future. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

 

“The narcissist suffers from a hardened heart, and is incapable of empathy. Lack of empathy is a signature personality trait.. .of the narcissistic personality disorder.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). Many narcissists develop a convincing pseudo empathy. They are consummate actors who appear to care deeply about your feelings from your perspective. They put on a masterful performance and fool many people, especially those whom they have mesmerized to become marital partners.

The narcissist is incapable of putting himself emotionally and psychologically into another’s person’s place even if it is one of his own children. Long ago when he was a child, he/she never developed the capacity for empathy. I have witnessed very young children who are empathic—they are deeply moved by the pain that someone else is enduring. These little ones try to comfort the person who is suffering.

The narcissist is groomed to only think about himself, his superiority, brilliance and achieving all of his goals despite the grave psychological consequences for others whom he will hurt and betray.

Become aware of your capacity to know if someone is truly empathic. Being empathic is not based on what is convenient for us or the right time of day or night, or whether we’re going to impress someone or obtain material gain. Empathy comes from our deepest humanity and it is given freely. There are no time limits or measurements to its enduring force for healing. Living with someone who psychologically cold, will wear you down, pick away at your feelings of self confidence, make you feel isolated and feel that you cannot turn to your partner to deeply understand and care about you, especially when you are in a crisis and need help on the spot.

As these marriages go forward it becomes evident that the narcissistic spouse is incapable of empathy and to make it more severe, this person cannot show deep genuine concern for the children you share. He may pretend to be emotionally invested but much of this has to do with his need to control his spouse and children with an iron will. If you are married to a narcissist are becoming more acutely aware of this deficit in his personality, seriously consider your options. You can stay with the person who is very unlikely to change. You can have an arrangement with him that is a marriage in name only or you can divorce him/her.

Think carefully about remaining in a marriage with an individual is cannot genuinely give and receive love, a person who doesn’t give a damn about your feelings and your suffering. Do the research about the narcissistic personality. Knowledge is very helpful in clarifying what we want to believe from the truth. Leading a life with truth at your side frees you up and protects you from narcissistic influences–especially spouses who are laser focused only on their next acquisitions and triumphs. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Those who haven’t had narcissistic mothers cannot completely understand just how dreadful they are. Each narcissistic mother is ghastly in her own special way. Some are covert and pretend to be good, even holy. They walk around with golden coronas circling their heads. The family members are often impressed with their piety and spiritual devotion. Then there are the flamboyant, grandiose types who are socially very skillful and charming. They are often the center of attention. They magnetize many people to them who believe that they are superior. Above all, despite the outward persona the narcissistic mother always has certain attributes. She lacks genuine empathy and is incapable of feeling and understanding or caring deeply about another person’s feelings, including her own children. What great performances these women play. In private they are holy terrors who cause fear, anxiety, panic and immobilize their children. The exception is the child chosen by the narcissistic mother as the perfect reflection of herself. This son or daughter (in some cases more than one child is picked) gets free reign of the house, never learns how to treat others with respect, has a superior attitude toward himself and overrides the psychological boundaries of other family members. The children who are not chosen are under the heel of the rampaging narcissistic mother. She is hell to live with. Often these women emasculate their husbands and dominate them completely so that they have no say about their own children.

Adult children often report that they suffered from anxiety,tension even pains in the pit of their stomachs when in the presence of narcissistic mom. You never knew when she would threaten you with punishment or take a swipe at you. Narcissistic mothers are tyrannical and get away with it. In the world they are often considered to be wonderful human beings who are considerate and caring and very charming. This is their great acting job at work. So many people are fooled by them. When you tell someone the truth about a narcissistic mother, they will look at you quizzically as if you are being cruel or simply have something wrong with your thinking processes.

If you are the adult child of a narcissistic mother it is past time for you to get rid of the metaphorical or real pain in the pit of your stomach. To lead your own life, it is often necessary to sever the “relationship” because it has become impossible and abusive. Some victims find that excellent psychotherapy helps them to heal. Be careful in picking a therapist. Make sure they understand this personality disorder very well and be sure that they are not narcissistic personalities themselves.

Celebrate your individuality, learn to quiet your mind through gentle yoga practice, meditation–sitting and walking, opening up to your special creativity, finding friends who care deeply about you and are capable of empathy. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic sociopaths leave very few people with whom they form relationships–intact. I am speaking here about the sociopath who does not commit physically violent crimes but perpetrates psychological and emotional crimes that destroy the lives of others—especially his/her children, spouses and ex-spouses. The NS is without conscience of any kind. He is very clever at not getting caught. It is very rare that these individuals serve any time in jail or prison. They are often very bright intellectually and exceedingly quick in scouting out and discovering people whom they can dominate completely. All of their efforts are directed toward reaching the highest professional and social circles where they mingle and become friends with people of great prominence and power. Some of these NSs become big fish in smaller ponds (social milieus) where they their influence spreads throughout entire neighborhoods and small towns.

NSs have been magnetizing people and controlling others all of their lives. Often they are very attractive and learned by adolescence how to be irresistible to the romantic partners. It is not unusual for NSs to have a number of paramours at one time. They brashly take control of large sums of money and property from their family members by sweet talking and cajoling one of their parents to give them the role of executor of the estate, leaving brothers and sisters empty handed and broken hearted. This happens too many times to count.
Everyone the NS targets is harmed unless the prospective victim recognizes the depth of psychopathology he or she is dealing with in advance. The number of those who have been victimized by these horrendous individuals is legion. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The child of a narcissistic mother has no home, whether he or she lives in a humble flat or a mansion. When mother is bonded to her child, she has a special union with this tiny human being. From the beginning a baby and young child either feels secure or insecure. Feeling protected and cared for begins very early.

Narcissistic mothers are unable to nurture, protect, be attuned to or open their hearts to their children. They are obsessed with themselves. Even when they are going about feeding and taking care of their babie’s needs, this is done mechanically without feeling, tenderness or any kind of emotional contact. I have heard life stories of many children of narcissistic mothers say that the woman who was supposed to welcome them into her arms, pushed them away, avoided their tears, their smiles, their pain as if they were not present. These women did the minimum that was needed to keep the baby fed and clean. In some instances the narcissistic mother didn’t offer a basic level of care. She ignored her baby for hours at a time while the little one screamed at the top of his lungs, then gasped and finally fell asleep in total exhaustion. As a result there was no bonding to mother. She was like a statue–look but do not touch. There was no warm flesh to hold, no eye contact, no response to sorrow or pain, no help when the small child felt desperate and alone.

Children of narcissistic mothers are Dispossessed–they have no psychological home or any sense of emotional security.In many cases there are mother substitutes who come to the rescue. Often it is the other parent, an aunt, grandmother, a nanny who is capable of giving the child the affection, emotional sense of security and safety that he needs.

Some children of narcissistic mothers spend many of the growing up years trying to make up for the mother love they never received. Many of them repeat the pattern of being treated badly by marrying a narcissist. When that doesn’t work some of them go on to wed another narcissist.

Others are determined to heal themselves. They benefit from skilled psychotherapy and other healing modalities like gentle yoga, meditation and the pursuit of their creative gifts. Often these children are highly empathic and are involved with professions that involve helping individuals who are suffering psychologically and emotionally.

Adult children of narcissistic mothers have traveled a difficult road to wholeness. We congratulate you–You have made it against many odds. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com