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Don’t Let A Narcissist Make You Sick

You deserve to keep yourself healthy, to be free of excess stress, to
be able to relax, to think without interruption, to be treated with
respect. If you are living with a narcissist this is not happening. You
are in fight or flight mode day and night. You are constantly being
interrupted by his (her) demands, threats, belittlings, swipes at your
character, your looks, etc.

Your life is not your own
when you share it with a narcissist. They are as demanding as a two year
old having 24/7 tirades in a store, lying on the floor kicking and
screaming. I know of narcissists who have put on these public displays.
It is nauseating.

Take a good look at yourself. Appreciate who you
are. The narcissist is not going to change—ever. Couples therapy does
not work with these individuals because they are always right and you
are always wrong.

Learn to take care of yourself. This
may begin by thinking very carefully of severing your relationship
permanently with the narcissist.

Develop healing
practices–Eat balanced, healthy meals (slowly), exercise in the way
that is best for you, do gentle healing movements like yoga with
emphasis on the breath. Meditation for short periods of time can be very
helpful in stilling the mind and helping to calm your nervous system.

It
is time —past time—- to pay attention to your needs, inspirations,
creativity, new cycle of life that are coming your way. Learn to be kind
to yourself. Pay attention to the wisest voice of all: Your Intuition.

To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlifecom

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–You are Not Alone

When you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother you feel like you
are screaming underwater and drowning at the same time. Many daughters
don’t realize for years the truth about this woman who projects hatred
on to you daily. If you are scapegoated among the siblings, your
childhood is exceedingly harsh. You are at the mercy of a sadistic, cold
mother. On the outside there are acquaintances and friends of hers that
think she is the best human being on the face of the earth. She is so
devoted to her children despite her outside career. She works constantly
on this external image to make sure that everyone knows how wonderful
she is.

Inside the home she is monstrous. Many of the narcissistic
mothers literally beat their children. They make sure that the marks
won’t show so there will be no obvious evidence of their cruelties.
Other mothers try to annihilate their children mentally and emotionally.
They pit one child against the other. They are cold and unexpressive.
They never have a moment to speak to their daughter. They are always
busy, rushing to work, spending evenings completely out of touch with
their children. Some daughters idealize their mother as a way of
surviving and keeping themselves protected from the truth of her nature.
When we are little we must do what we have to for survival purposes.

 

There
are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are always in conflict with
her. They make efforts to stand up for themselves. But there is the
narcissistic mother’s revenge. These daughters then become a constant
target of scorn, recriminations and threats. Mother promises that she
will help her daughter go to college and at the last moment she pulls
out, saying that she simply can’t afford it. This is an all out lie. She
has gotten her revenge. One of the reasons for the narcissistic
mother’s horrendous cruelties besides her own self hatred is that she is
exceedingly jealous of her daughter. Often she picks one daughter whom
she targets for the worst abuse. I have known these daughters and they
have weathered horrible abuse–daily intimidations and humiliations. She
constantly undermines this daughter, telling her that she is ugly, that
she smells, that no one is really her friend, that they are pretending
to like her, that no one will ever want to marry her, that she is not
bright enough to go to college, that she has no talents and on and
on—endlessly undermining this child.

There are daughters of
narcissistic mothers that say: “enough” and leave their households
early. This is very difficult but they find other family members who can
be of some assistance. Sometimes families of their friends provide them
with support. And then there are daughters that do it all on their own.
They leave home, find a job, work hard, find ways to educate themselves
and become independent.

 

Whatever stage of dealing with
your narcissistic mother you are in, I congratulate your courage and
fortitude. You know the truth. You are a fine human being. Your mother
is a severe personality disorder. You have prevailed. You are free. Fly
and glide like the Monarch butterflies who complete their migration over
three generations and thousands of miles–so beautiful so determined,
so wonderful.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Abandon Their Families and Re-Invent Themselves

Narcissistic men (and women) cannot be parents. These men are too
obsessed with themselves and their images.They act out with women,
having multiple affairs, and children from these unions. They have no
shame from their reprehensible behaviors.  If they have power in the
world as high level executives, A- list entertainers–movie stars, etc
or members of the social elite, they get away it.  These days , living
in a narcissistic society, most people simply shrug about these matters.
It is so pervasive. Others think that it is perfectly fine that this
narcissistic man has put shame on his wife and especially his children.
He is their father in name only. Psychologically, he has a severe
personality disorder that is never going to change. Their is no
motivation since he believes that he is perfect and everyone else falls
into place on his side. In this current narcissistic social climate,
highly placed individuals can get away with just about anything. 

After
causing all of this trauma and distress to his ex-wife and children, he
moves on to re-invent himself and burnish his image.  It is
reprehensible that a famous narcissist with an endless group of
followers and adorers is given “kudos” to move on with his life despite
the horrendous psychological damage he has done.  

Study
the narcissistic personality in-depth so that you don’t become involved
with one in a partnership or marriage. The narcissistic style —-“It’s
all about me!” –is becoming more normalized every day. To learn about
every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com


Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Don’t Let Narcissistic Charmer Seduce You

Sexual, sensual chemistry is very powerful–if not overwhelming. In a
moment we feel the magnetic pull race throughout out bodies and
psyches. It is thrilling, compelling, riveting. Attraction on this level
is primitive and does not retreat quietly. It is is force of human
nature and evolution itself.  Narcissistic men know exactly how to tap
into a woman’s attraction to them. They have had so much practice in
their lives they are masters of seduction. Most of us feel the first
waves hit us hard. It feels to good we want it to go on forever. There
will be moments when you mind awakens from the intoxication of this
chemistry. There is a part of you that is wise and intuitive and knows
who this man who sits so adoringly next to you. His eyes never leave
you. Wake up and start watching his attempts at seducing you.

There
is a strong intuitive sense inside of you that is protective, independent
and insightful. If you pay close attention to the messages of your
intuition you will hear a different tune than the one he is playing. It
will be telling you that this guy is too good to be true, that he is
after you for a reason of his own. Some of these fellows want to possess
you, like a lovely object, a jewel that they wear so that they can be
admired by everyone. Others seek complete control of your mind, psyche
and heart.

Narcissistic players don’t give up easily if
they want you for a living narcissistic supply. They will send dozens
of flowers to your office or home at unexpected times. They will present
you with lavish gifts. They understand just what language notes to play
with you to bring you closer and keep you in their aura.

Once
you understand that this man is a narcissistic personality, make your
exit. You don’t owe him an explanation. Go complete no contact. Don’t
worry he will find someone else. In fact he is probably juggling several
women at once. There is no point in compromising or dancing around with
this man. The best strategy is to not get started with him in the first
place. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality,
visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Never Stop Lying

There are outright lies told convincingly to your face. Spouses of
narcissists discover sometimes after decades that their husband has been
lying to them about all manner of things: finances, affairs,
illegitimate children, stealing assets, etc. during your entire
marriage. For the narcissist, lying is like breathing. Lies come out of
their mouths automatically. They are convenient. It makes the narcissist
feel in complete control. Narcissists don’t develop a conscience so it
is not pricked when they speak falsely. Then, there are their lies of
omission. They haven’t told you about investments they have made with
your joint assets. Some narcissists are secret gamblers. They win and
lose. They disappear and make excuses that the spouse believes. They are
known for their many affairs. They can hardly step out the door without
flirting with some attractive woman with the purpose of seducing her as
quickly as possible. Narcissists have so many excuses that they get
away with their lies, especially if they are married to a woman who
adores them and is willing to put up with them. 

If
you lead your life with the truth, don’t marry a narcissist. If you are a
person of integrity and seek the truth and are married to a narcissist,
you have a decision to make. You can stay in the relationship and
overlook your spouse’s horribly flawed character or you can make move
forward to sever the bond and get a divorce. This process can be
arduous  but it  can be done. There are many women (and men) who have
decided they will no longer share their lives with  a deceitful person
they cannot trust. There is no true bond here, no emotional intimacy, no
trust. And —You can’t change a narcissist. They believe they are
perfect, find lying to be natural and necessary and essential to worldly
success. If you are a person of integrity, you will find it very
difficult to remain in a relationship filled with betrayals and
perfidies. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit
my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Narcissistic Father-Running Off with Daughter’s Girlfriend

Narcissists have no limits–moral, ethical, legal—They are indecent
human beings on many levels. If you have a narcissistic parent you know
how outrageous they will be. They have no shame. I have known of a
number of instances in which the narcissist’s daughter had a close
friend who was like part of the family. The young adult daughter of the
narcissist was shocked to find out that her father was making passes at
her best friend. She kept telling herself this couldn’t be happening.
She idealized her father and thought of her mother as weak, an appendage
of her father. She was unable to stand up for herself. When college
time came father and mother divorced. Dad soon began dating, often
seeing a couple of women in one evening. Alice (let’s call her) was
shocked by her dad’s behavior. He was acting like a teenager. In walks
Alice’s childhood friend, Gina for a college break. Alice feels the
sparks fly and the chemistry stir between this man she calls dad and her
best friend. Alice notices that Gina is becoming secretive with her. On
a particular evening she discovers her father upstairs with her friend
Gina in a compromising scene in the master bedroom. Alice is stunned.
She can’t believe it.  Her father announces that he and Gina love one
another, have for some time and are planning to get married in the very
near future. That is exactly what happens. Alice can barely tolerate
getting through the ceremonies. She is humiliated and feels deeply
betrayed. She has lost her father and best friend. This man she has
known as an absentee workaholic dad is the husband of a young woman who
is thirty years younger than his daughter. To make matters more painful,
Gina was pregnant before the wedding and will soon deliver a half
brother or sister to Alice. She is devastated. Alice gets a lot of
benefit from excellent psychotherapy. She recognizes that her father is a
narcissist who was never capable of loving anyone, who doesn’t have any
psychological boundaries, who goes after what he wants, no matter whom
it hurts, including his own daughter.

Alice severs her non-relationship with this man she called dad and her previous friend and current wife.

Working very hard with skilled psychotherapy and the support of  close friends, Alice heals, moves through her grief of never having a
real dad and is able to put her own life together. This takes time,
patience and courage. She renews her relationship with her mother and
forgives her for not being strong enough to stand up for herself. Alice
is renewing her life on her own terms. To learn about the narcissistic
personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers Divide and Conquer

Narcissistic mothers are one woman armies of human destruction. They
are an elite team of ninja killers of the psyches of their children. One
narcissistic mother does more psychological damage than you can
imagine. I read and hear life stories every day about those who have
survived the narcissistic battles of childhood. One of NM’s cruelest
tactics is turning one child against the other. She will assure her son
that he is the special one and then tell the older daughter that she has
been chosen. After all, she is gorgeous, bright and talented. What’s
not to worship. she pits one child against the other, starting when they
are very young. Often she does have a favorite whom she ties to herself
psychologically like an appendage. This child  suffers horribly
because he or she cannot separate out from mother, often for life. In
other circumstances narcissistic mothers create day by day a budding
narcissist who is her perfect reflection.  These children have special
privileges like the largest stake in her financial assets. The true
golden child learns from mom to taunt and terrorize the other children.
Between the two of them, it is a sinister game—a sadistic one.
In these families it is every child for himself. The brother or sister who
is savvy and has the opportunity, escapes as early as possible. Some
children find other adults whom they trust and help them to move, get
jobs, training, go to college, etc.

As the years go by, hatred between the siblings grows and hardens. The narcissistic
mother remains Ruler of the dissembling process. Some of her children
who are prisoners and possessions, defend her no matter what she has
done to them. They are lost souls and will never become individuals in
their own right.

I have discovered many courageous and strong human beings who have survived their narcissistic mothers. I think and feel about them with tenderness and great respect. You are victorious! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit
my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Raising Compassionate Children–Non Narcissists

Today we live in a society surrounded by narcissists. Many of them
are highly successful in the world and they get what they want by
stepping over the needs and vulnerabilities of others. I have seen the
psychological and physical health of many undermined by the narcissists
in their lives–at home and at work. This is a disgrace. Those who sit
by and watch this happen and approve of it quietly are part of the
problem. There is a narcissistic style “It’s all about me.”  “Grab what
you can get.” “That person is a failure because he or she didn’t go to
the right schools.” “She is so unattractive. What’s the matter with
her.She needs to lose weight.” (This is an indication that this person
is defective because she doesn’t look perfect.) This is all part of a
current mind set that is present in much of our society today. Becoming
more powerful by hurting others has become absolutely acceptable in many
corporate circles. In fact it is accepted as the only way to function
is a ruthless world. The ruthless inherit the earth—I hope not. This
cold, cruel disgusting way of treating other people must be stopped by
those who see through the delusion of the narcissistic way of life.

This
begins with the way we raise our children. Manners and consideration
count. This begins early. Parents teach their small children that the
feelings of others matter, that those around us–family, friends and
those we meet must be treated with respect. I have had experiences and
I’m sure you have where an impudent child has blatantly made unkind
remarks to me to my face in front of his/her mother. The mother made no
correction. She didn’t even flinch. In this case the child pointed out
some flaw on my face—Was it a pimple, a line, a lack of symmetry. I
don’t remember. But I was outraged by this total lack of respect and
manners on the part of this child who was no longer a baby. This is the
mother’s fault. She believes that her children are perfect. She is the
narcissist, raising children who will carry the imprint of her serious
character disorder.

First, we are parents who are aware
of others—not just ourselves. Awareness is the key as is compassion.
Little children are capable of empathy. We need to tap in to this
ability in our children when they are very young. Our children watch us
and learn from example but we are required to do more. When they step
out of line and are inconsiderate and unkind, this must be pointed out
in a reasonable and civil way so that our children learn to always
consider the needs of others. As they teaching moments accrue,
understand and caring deeply about the feelings of others is
internalized in our children. This is a great gift to them that they
will carry all of their lives. They will bring this warmth of heart and
empathy to everyone who crosses their path.  To learn about the
narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mother’s Lack of Emotional Attachment

The first stage of growth in the attachment of the newborn to the
mother. D.W. Winncott the great psychoanalyst calls this phase the
mother’s “preoccupation” with her baby. This is an essential process in
the baby’s secure attachment to mother. The “good enough mother” as he
describes it , for this period of time is constantly thinking, feeling
and acting through the days and night about her baby. The earliest weeks
and months are critical to the babies’ physical, mental, and
psychological development. There is a special relationship that develops
between the two. The father is a vital part of this process. Cuddling,
calming, speaking softly, caressing a crying baby, soothing a frightened
child is all part of this period. The baby has left the dark safety of
the womb and is now exposed to an unknown world filled with sounds,
colors, forms, scents, touch—all of this is new to his world. Mother
is the one through her attachment to the baby, creates a safe
psychological bridge for living in the world.

Children
raised by a narcissistic mother don’t have this experience. Mother is
incapable of attaching to her baby. She may pretend convincingly to
others but she has no real feeling. Narcissistic mothers believe they
are great mothers and that they can do it all. They count the days when
they can return from maternity leave and work during times when their
baby needs them desperately.

Some women must work to
keep their families together. There is no father. They are the ones who
are raising the children, paying the bills and putting food on the
table. This is another situation and these women deserve our praise.

The
narcissistic mother ignores and neglects her child. Her main focus is
on herself.  She spends inordinate amount of time on how she looks which
has to be “perfect.” Many of these mothers are highly materialistic.
What they wear, their external image, their home surroundings–all add
up to a perfect image. Narcissistic others are bored with their
children. They make no psychological connection with them and discard
them.

They pawn them off on baby sitters. Some of them have 24/7
help for their children because they are too busy to take care of them.
Children raised in this way do not attach to the mother and have a
difficult time attaching to another person. Fortunately, there are
instances in which a grand parent or other family member who steps into
the mothering role. This can make all the difference.

Some
children raise themselves. Some brothers and sisters form their own
families and take care of one another. Some children go their own way
and survive despite all of the emotional pain and maternal deprivation.
Adult children of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent
psychotherapy and other healing modalities—gentle yoga, meditation,
cardiovascular exercise. Remember, having a narcissistic mother is not
your fault. You are a separate individual and deserve to lead your life
in freedom and creativity. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Play “I have Changed” Card

One of the repetitive themes that runs through the cycle of abuse
with the narcissistic spouse is: “I have changed. I want you back. I am a
different person now.”  This works very well for many narcissists. They
are such brilliant method actors that the abused spouse believes them.
She has been waiting to hear these words for years. She wants to believe
that this man has transformed himself. She still loves this husband who
has abused her for years. She takes him back and soon discovers that he
has returned to get something that he wants. In some cases it is a
financial ruse. He knows that you have been very successful at your
career or business and he has come to take you for every financial asset
you have. Another reason is that he doesn’t want to go through a
divorce because in the agreement he will lose too much of his monetary
worth. He would much rather have a pretend marriage with you as the
official spouse that leaves him lots of opportunities for his affairs.
He needs the image of the perfect marriage and family. Beneath the
surface he is still leading a secret life. 

Narcissistic
personalities do not change. This is a fixed characterlogical disorder.
Narcissists believe they are perfect. Don’t let the narcissistic spouse
back into your life. You don’t deserve this abuse and exploitation.
Free yourself. You will find your own way. You will use your creative
gifts. Your energy and emotional and psychological health will be
restored. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my
website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissitinyourlife.com