Author: Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD

Don’t Let Narcissistic Charmer Seduce You

Sexual, sensual chemistry is very powerful–if not overwhelming. In a
moment we feel the magnetic pull race throughout out bodies and
psyches. It is thrilling, compelling, riveting. Attraction on this level
is primitive and does not retreat quietly. It is is force of human
nature and evolution itself.  Narcissistic men know exactly how to tap
into a woman’s attraction to them. They have had so much practice in
their lives they are masters of seduction. Most of us feel the first
waves hit us hard. It feels to good we want it to go on forever. There
will be moments when you mind awakens from the intoxication of this
chemistry. There is a part of you that is wise and intuitive and knows
who this man who sits so adoringly next to you. His eyes never leave
you. Wake up and start watching his attempts at seducing you.

There
is a strong intuitive sense inside of you that is protective, independent
and insightful. If you pay close attention to the messages of your
intuition you will hear a different tune than the one he is playing. It
will be telling you that this guy is too good to be true, that he is
after you for a reason of his own. Some of these fellows want to possess
you, like a lovely object, a jewel that they wear so that they can be
admired by everyone. Others seek complete control of your mind, psyche
and heart.

Narcissistic players don’t give up easily if
they want you for a living narcissistic supply. They will send dozens
of flowers to your office or home at unexpected times. They will present
you with lavish gifts. They understand just what language notes to play
with you to bring you closer and keep you in their aura.

Once
you understand that this man is a narcissistic personality, make your
exit. You don’t owe him an explanation. Go complete no contact. Don’t
worry he will find someone else. In fact he is probably juggling several
women at once. There is no point in compromising or dancing around with
this man. The best strategy is to not get started with him in the first
place. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality,
visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Never Stop Lying

There are outright lies told convincingly to your face. Spouses of
narcissists discover sometimes after decades that their husband has been
lying to them about all manner of things: finances, affairs,
illegitimate children, stealing assets, etc. during your entire
marriage. For the narcissist, lying is like breathing. Lies come out of
their mouths automatically. They are convenient. It makes the narcissist
feel in complete control. Narcissists don’t develop a conscience so it
is not pricked when they speak falsely. Then, there are their lies of
omission. They haven’t told you about investments they have made with
your joint assets. Some narcissists are secret gamblers. They win and
lose. They disappear and make excuses that the spouse believes. They are
known for their many affairs. They can hardly step out the door without
flirting with some attractive woman with the purpose of seducing her as
quickly as possible. Narcissists have so many excuses that they get
away with their lies, especially if they are married to a woman who
adores them and is willing to put up with them. 

If
you lead your life with the truth, don’t marry a narcissist. If you are a
person of integrity and seek the truth and are married to a narcissist,
you have a decision to make. You can stay in the relationship and
overlook your spouse’s horribly flawed character or you can make move
forward to sever the bond and get a divorce. This process can be
arduous  but it  can be done. There are many women (and men) who have
decided they will no longer share their lives with  a deceitful person
they cannot trust. There is no true bond here, no emotional intimacy, no
trust. And —You can’t change a narcissist. They believe they are
perfect, find lying to be natural and necessary and essential to worldly
success. If you are a person of integrity, you will find it very
difficult to remain in a relationship filled with betrayals and
perfidies. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit
my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Narcissistic Father-Running Off with Daughter’s Girlfriend

Narcissists have no limits–moral, ethical, legal—They are indecent
human beings on many levels. If you have a narcissistic parent you know
how outrageous they will be. They have no shame. I have known of a
number of instances in which the narcissist’s daughter had a close
friend who was like part of the family. The young adult daughter of the
narcissist was shocked to find out that her father was making passes at
her best friend. She kept telling herself this couldn’t be happening.
She idealized her father and thought of her mother as weak, an appendage
of her father. She was unable to stand up for herself. When college
time came father and mother divorced. Dad soon began dating, often
seeing a couple of women in one evening, meeting them from sites like doublelist. Alice (let’s call her) was
shocked by her dad’s behavior. He was acting like a teenager. In walks
Alice’s childhood friend, Gina for a college break. Alice feels the
sparks fly and the chemistry stir between this man she calls dad and her
best friend. Alice notices that Gina is becoming secretive with her. On
a particular evening she discovers her father upstairs with her friend
Gina in a compromising scene in the master bedroom. Alice is stunned.
She can’t believe it.  Her father announces that he and Gina love one
another, have for some time and are planning to get married in the very
near future. That is exactly what happens. Alice can barely tolerate
getting through the ceremonies. She is humiliated and feels deeply
betrayed. She has lost her father and best friend. This man she has
known as an absentee workaholic dad is the husband of a young woman who
is thirty years younger than his daughter. To make matters more painful,
Gina was pregnant before the wedding and will soon deliver a half
brother or sister to Alice. She is devastated. Alice gets a lot of
benefit from excellent psychotherapy. She recognizes that her father is a
narcissist who was never capable of loving anyone, who doesn’t have any
psychological boundaries, who goes after what he wants, no matter whom
it hurts, including his own daughter.

Alice severs her non-relationship with this man she called dad and her previous friend and current wife.

Working very hard with skilled psychotherapy and the support of  close friends, Alice heals, moves through her grief of never having a
real dad and is able to put her own life together. This takes time,
patience and courage. She renews her relationship with her mother and
forgives her for not being strong enough to stand up for herself. Alice
is renewing her life on her own terms. To learn about the narcissistic
personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers Divide and Conquer

Narcissistic mothers are one woman armies of human destruction. They
are an elite team of ninja killers of the psyches of their children. One
narcissistic mother does more psychological damage than you can
imagine. I read and hear life stories every day about those who have
survived the narcissistic battles of childhood. One of NM’s cruelest
tactics is turning one child against the other. She will assure her son
that he is the special one and then tell the older daughter that she has
been chosen. After all, she is gorgeous, bright and talented. What’s
not to worship. she pits one child against the other, starting when they
are very young. Often she does have a favorite whom she ties to herself
psychologically like an appendage. This child  suffers horribly
because he or she cannot separate out from mother, often for life. In
other circumstances narcissistic mothers create day by day a budding
narcissist who is her perfect reflection.  These children have special
privileges like the largest stake in her financial assets. The true
golden child learns from mom to taunt and terrorize the other children.
Between the two of them, it is a sinister game—a sadistic one.
In these families it is every child for himself. The brother or sister who
is savvy and has the opportunity, escapes as early as possible. Some
children find other adults whom they trust and help them to move, get
jobs, training, go to college, etc.

As the years go by, hatred between the siblings grows and hardens. The narcissistic
mother remains Ruler of the dissembling process. Some of her children
who are prisoners and possessions, defend her no matter what she has
done to them. They are lost souls and will never become individuals in
their own right.

I have discovered many courageous and strong human beings who have survived their narcissistic mothers. I think and feel about them with tenderness and great respect. You are victorious! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit
my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Raising Compassionate Children–Non Narcissists

Today we live in a society surrounded by narcissists. Many of them
are highly successful in the world and they get what they want by
stepping over the needs and vulnerabilities of others. I have seen the
psychological and physical health of many undermined by the narcissists
in their lives–at home and at work. This is a disgrace. Those who sit
by and watch this happen and approve of it quietly are part of the
problem. There is a narcissistic style “It’s all about me.”  “Grab what
you can get.” “That person is a failure because he or she didn’t go to
the right schools.” “She is so unattractive. What’s the matter with
her.She needs to lose weight.” (This is an indication that this person
is defective because she doesn’t look perfect.) This is all part of a
current mind set that is present in much of our society today. Becoming
more powerful by hurting others has become absolutely acceptable in many
corporate circles. In fact it is accepted as the only way to function
is a ruthless world. The ruthless inherit the earth—I hope not. This
cold, cruel disgusting way of treating other people must be stopped by
those who see through the delusion of the narcissistic way of life.

This
begins with the way we raise our children. Manners and consideration
count. This begins early. Parents teach their small children that the
feelings of others matter, that those around us–family, friends and
those we meet must be treated with respect. I have had experiences and
I’m sure you have where an impudent child has blatantly made unkind
remarks to me to my face in front of his/her mother. The mother made no
correction. She didn’t even flinch. In this case the child pointed out
some flaw on my face—Was it a pimple, a line, a lack of symmetry. I
don’t remember. But I was outraged by this total lack of respect and
manners on the part of this child who was no longer a baby. This is the
mother’s fault. She believes that her children are perfect. She is the
narcissist, raising children who will carry the imprint of her serious
character disorder.

First, we are parents who are aware
of others—not just ourselves. Awareness is the key as is compassion.
Little children are capable of empathy. We need to tap in to this
ability in our children when they are very young. Our children watch us
and learn from example but we are required to do more. When they step
out of line and are inconsiderate and unkind, this must be pointed out
in a reasonable and civil way so that our children learn to always
consider the needs of others. As they teaching moments accrue,
understand and caring deeply about the feelings of others is
internalized in our children. This is a great gift to them that they
will carry all of their lives. They will bring this warmth of heart and
empathy to everyone who crosses their path.  To learn about the
narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mother’s Lack of Emotional Attachment

The first stage of growth in the attachment of the newborn to the
mother. D.W. Winncott the great psychoanalyst calls this phase the
mother’s “preoccupation” with her baby. This is an essential process in
the baby’s secure attachment to mother. The “good enough mother” as he
describes it , for this period of time is constantly thinking, feeling
and acting through the days and night about her baby. The earliest weeks
and months are critical to the babies’ physical, mental, and
psychological development. There is a special relationship that develops
between the two. The father is a vital part of this process. Cuddling,
calming, speaking softly, caressing a crying baby, soothing a frightened
child is all part of this period. The baby has left the dark safety of
the womb and is now exposed to an unknown world filled with sounds,
colors, forms, scents, touch—all of this is new to his world. Mother
is the one through her attachment to the baby, creates a safe
psychological bridge for living in the world.

Children
raised by a narcissistic mother don’t have this experience. Mother is
incapable of attaching to her baby. She may pretend convincingly to
others but she has no real feeling. Narcissistic mothers believe they
are great mothers and that they can do it all. They count the days when
they can return from maternity leave and work during times when their
baby needs them desperately.

Some women must work to
keep their families together. There is no father. They are the ones who
are raising the children, paying the bills and putting food on the
table. This is another situation and these women deserve our praise.

The
narcissistic mother ignores and neglects her child. Her main focus is
on herself.  She spends inordinate amount of time on how she looks which
has to be “perfect.” Many of these mothers are highly materialistic.
What they wear, their external image, their home surroundings–all add
up to a perfect image. Narcissistic others are bored with their
children. They make no psychological connection with them and discard
them.

They pawn them off on baby sitters. Some of them have 24/7
help for their children because they are too busy to take care of them.
Children raised in this way do not attach to the mother and have a
difficult time attaching to another person. Fortunately, there are
instances in which a grand parent or other family member who steps into
the mothering role. This can make all the difference.

Some
children raise themselves. Some brothers and sisters form their own
families and take care of one another. Some children go their own way
and survive despite all of the emotional pain and maternal deprivation.
Adult children of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent
psychotherapy and other healing modalities—gentle yoga, meditation,
cardiovascular exercise. Remember, having a narcissistic mother is not
your fault. You are a separate individual and deserve to lead your life
in freedom and creativity. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists Play “I have Changed” Card

One of the repetitive themes that runs through the cycle of abuse
with the narcissistic spouse is: “I have changed. I want you back. I am a
different person now.”  This works very well for many narcissists. They
are such brilliant method actors that the abused spouse believes them.
She has been waiting to hear these words for years. She wants to believe
that this man has transformed himself. She still loves this husband who
has abused her for years. She takes him back and soon discovers that he
has returned to get something that he wants. In some cases it is a
financial ruse. He knows that you have been very successful at your
career or business and he has come to take you for every financial asset
you have. Another reason is that he doesn’t want to go through a
divorce because in the agreement he will lose too much of his monetary
worth. He would much rather have a pretend marriage with you as the
official spouse that leaves him lots of opportunities for his affairs.
He needs the image of the perfect marriage and family. Beneath the
surface he is still leading a secret life. 

Narcissistic
personalities do not change. This is a fixed characterlogical disorder.
Narcissists believe they are perfect. Don’t let the narcissistic spouse
back into your life. You don’t deserve this abuse and exploitation.
Free yourself. You will find your own way. You will use your creative
gifts. Your energy and emotional and psychological health will be
restored. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my
website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissitinyourlife.com

You are the Narcissist’s Possession

“Casting one’s lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer
belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are
invaded…The narcissist  creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates,
treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own
personality.”(Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

Narcissists
are driven to have what they want and must have regardless of the 
people whom they ruthlessly push aside (even their small children) lie
to, cheat, psychologically abuse, trick or cause psychological and
physical harm. They are bulldozers, juggernauts, human tsunamis.  You
can’t win with a narcissistic spouse unless you fuse with them and allow
them to eclipse your inner world of creativity and freedom and go along
for all of the perks and material upsides of one who is rising in power
and financial assets. Some spouses choose that direction. There is so
much to gain by having the next lovely object—a special article of
clothing, an irresistible piece of jewelry, a perfectly designed home, a
grand trip, the prestige to be married to a man or woman who is sought
after as a very special person in the world. This is so tempting to many
spouses that they can’t say ‘No”.  The deeper and closer the fusion
with the narcissistic spouse the less capacity to individuate out as a
separate person who is free to be genuine and to use their creative
gifts and full potential.

Some spouses decide that they
must sever this pathological relationship. Many of them do it for their
children. They recognize the damage that staying with the narcissistic
spouse is doing each day. They make the decision to divorce. This is a
difficult process with a narcissist but they are up for the fight. They
have confidence in themselves, have chosen an excellent, bright,
fearless attorney who knows how narcissists operate. In the aftermath
the spouse, now free from bondage, is free to renew his/her own life and
the endless opportunities that it holds. To learn about the
narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com



Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Have You Had Enough Abuse From Your Narcissistic Mother

“How much more can I take?” You ask this question over and over again as you have for decades since you were a small child. Then you were so terrified you couldn’t think. Even in school you were preoccupied with new frightening ways mom would find to punish you for something you hadn’t done.She would make up your crimes and create your punishments.The days and nights were horrific. Many children of narcissistic mothers tell life stories of being like servants in their own homes. From the age of four or five they were forced to clean, sweep, even cook to the screaming fits of their narcissistic mother. As an adult you still hear those ear splitting commands and the hand that comes so close to making you nose bloody. Sometimes it did and you wondered if there were any teeth missing. You remember how revolting your mother’s face looked as she got closer to you. You shook with fear,sometimes wetting yourself.

Now as an adult you are still taking horrendous abuse in different forms from this she-devil excuse for a mother. What will it take to set yourself free. Do you care that your brothers and sisters defend her constantly.Do you care about getting access to her home and assets after she dies. Or do you want the life you never had.  You are entitled to that and much more. First, learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality and read some of my blogs about the narcissistic mother

 

Affairs With Narcissistic Men

Being seduced by a narcissistic man is not that uncommon. There are many life stories with unhappy endings that start with a major flirtation. The high level grandiose narcissistic man is irresistible. He gazes at you, won’t take his eyes off of you. And that’s only the beginning. There is a  strong dynamic–a vibration that surrounds a powerful handsome male narcissist. It is very difficult for most women to say “no” to them. Some women fall so fast and hard that they are willing to risk their marriages and their children to be with this man.

At the start it is pure magic–a living fantasy that we don’t want to disappear into a chimera.  The narcissist becomes obsessed with seeing you and you keep saying yes. He promises you everything–including marriage and you keep saying yes. Then the time comes when he is contacting you less often, unresponsive to your texts. He says he is traveling and has a very heavy work load. You miss him but don’t get it. He is finished with you; he has had his fun. Most likely he has found someone else for his favorite recreation—seducing women.

To protect yourself from these most tempting of men, do a lot of research on the narcissistic personality disorder. Study their character —They have no empathy; they are deceptive, they are chronic liars; they exploit everyone; they are highly critical and self entitled. They are incapable of any emotional attachment of any kind. You will be grateful that you have done this work and discovered the true nature of the narcissist.