Oops! Your Covert Narcissism Is Showing

Individuals who are adult children of narcissistic parents, spouses of narcissists, ex-spouses and siblings of narcissistic personalities are often victimized for long periods of time before they recognize that they are not to blame for the the psychological and emotional pain perpetrated by them. (This blog post refers to male and female narcissists).

So often we wave off the intuitive truth about the intrinsic nature of the covert narcissist who is making our lives a moment to moment excruciating experience. Over and over again we are mired in the mud of deceit, manipulation, exploitation, endless lying, psychological ambushes of every length and degree of agony.

All along the covert narcissist expands the velocity and depth of his psychological assaults on his victims. These individuals become mired in anxiety, fear and guilt. They are slowly worn down and exhausted. As they become more emotionally fragile, they are likely to bow to the steel willed, merciless, ruthless machinations of the covert narcissist.

Eventually, you become clearly receptive to incredible moments of repeated insights along with reading in depth about the true nature of the covert narcissist.  During this time, victims of these cruelties finally say to themselves – “Oops, your covert narcissism is showing!” This is the moment of truth that comes through your consciousness to rescue you from years of repetitive psychological, emotional and financial abuse.

Hold on to the golden cord of your intuitive insights, the diligence of your research and your courageous, strong, fine character.

This is the time of reckoning. Your life is turning around and now you have the opportunity to move on the road to your psychological, emotional and spiritual evolution.

Give yourself tremendous credit for the life experiences you have endured and survived. You deserve every great kudo! Take very good care of yourself each day. Get the best sleep, hydrate, balance great nutrition with exercise that works for you. Align yourself with individuals of character who care about you. Rest when you need it, listen to lovely music and always laugh at each magic opportunity. You are terrific!

 

Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissistic Siblings

Treachery is a mortal betrayal of trust, especially among family members. Covert narcissists are sly, smooth and sneaky–very difficult to detect.

When the Covert Narcissist is your sibling, you are destined to have a painful and tumultuous relationship with him/her. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists). This is particularly galling if the sibling is the golden child of the family, the chosen one who can do no wrong, always wins and wears the family crown from birth. Mother and father never corrected their “darling” since he was viewed and treated as perfect–someone for you to emulate.

The life stories I hear from children who have had covert narcissistic siblings are horrific. From the beginning the scapegoated child was at the mercy of the covert sibling who taunted, tricked, terrified and threatened his victim. There are scenes of a small child being locked in a closet for hours while parents were away or oblivious. Getting pinched, scratched, smacked, dragged was the order of the day in some households. Of course the perpetrator was never caught and if it was obvious that the golden monster was guilty, the parent covered it up and in some instances blamed the victimized child for simply being present.

As the covert narcissistic sibling reaches adulthood, the psychopathology remains unchanged and the victimization of the sibling continues in a cruel, cunning form. Narcissists are often obsessed with money–It is their god, their compass, their identity.  They are convinced that any assets belonging to the parents belong to them alone. They spend years plotting how they will pilfer every cent belonging to the parents, leaving the other siblings without a penny.  I have witnessed this behavior often; it is ugly and dark. The covert narcissist through a series of cunning manuevers gains control of the family estate. Over time, using pseudo charm and empathy with just the right vintage of pressure and intimidation, convinces the parents that he is the only family member who can be trusted with financial matters. By the time that the other siblings discover that they have been divested of their inheritance, it is too late.

Narcissistic siblings stop at nothing to snatch the gold, the cash, the property, the jewelry, stocks, trusts, etc. Nothing slows them down. They are giddy grabbing the loot. They are devoid of shame, conscience or mercy. In the aftermath the sibling(s) on the losing end is shocked, exhausted and depleted. In some cases these individuals develop health problems as a result of the severe chronic stress of coping with the emotional, psychological and financial treacheries of the covert sibling.

Knowing now that your sibling has a severe personality disturbance is the beginning of unraveling, healing and reconstituting yourself. The first step is to appreciate that young child who survived despite the painful treacherous years and the innumerable ordeals and traumas that you experienced.

Recognize the strength and courage of your true self and know now that you will continue to heal, grow and evolve. Put yourself first and take time each day to move into the calming part of the nervous system where you feel deep inner peace. Get the nourishment, sleep, downtime, creative time, fun time that you need and deserve.

Breaking the Pattern of Marrying Covert Narcissists

I have communicated with many clients and readers and people whom I meet who tell me that they keep marrying, divorcing and then marrying another covert narcissist. How could they have known that they would repeat this hurtful psychological pattern. They should not blame themselves. It is extremely difficult to recognize a covert narcissist, especially if he is at the top of his game. (This post refers to male and female narcissists). By this I mean that the Covert has been practicing his superb part since he was very young. Whether he was the golden child, the forgotten one or even the scapegoat–this individual has identified as a false self most of his life. The covert narcissist learned early to camouflage his true feelings and thoughts. Even more so, as a golden child he was from birth, regal. Everything is handed to the child of pure gold. He or she can never do wrong. These kids are perfect even when they bully their siblings, treat playmates cruelly and make unseemly demands on everyone in their lives.

You as the current or former spouse of a covert narcissist feel confused and dismayed that you continue to be attracted to and then marry covert narcissists. This is a current familiar theme that runs through many of my conversations with those who have repeated this pattern in their relationships. First, give yourself credit for recognizing this pattern of behavior. Know that you will be able to spot the Covert next time and not become involved with him as a partner of any kind, even a friend. Narcissists are incapable of any kind of emotional and psychological empathy. I find that many of those who are attracted to and then marry covert narcissists are highly empathic individuals. What a mismatch! For the narcissist this makes great sense; he can have anything he wants from you and give nothing in return. The covert narcissist makes incessant demands, demeans you, tears you down when you are at your lowest ebb.

After going through painful ordeals throughout a number of years, many of those chronically victimized in their marriages recognize that they must separate and divorce the covert narcissist.  After the divorce is final and you have moved forward with your life, you will be grateful that you made this decision. As you renew yourself you will never look back.  Finally, you have learned to value your unique individuality and your many gifts.

Continue to grow as an individual and learn to appreciate your authenticity and uniqueness. Spend as much time as you can in the recovery, healing, transformative part of the nervous system. Here you will feel deep inner peace, security and optimism. Embrace the flowering of your unbounded creative gifts and energies.

 

 

Covert Narcissists Re-Traumatize Their Victims

The covert narcissist is a dark genius at re-victimizing his/her human targets.  Whether you are married to or divorcing a covert narcissist, you feel riddled with terror and dread most of the time. You are stuck in the fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system zone and feel neither safety nor comfort.

I have spoken and communicated with many individuals who are suffering horribly – emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually as a result of the accumulation of stress and distress over years of being the object of vile, pernicious projections by the Covert. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists.)  The pain is deepened by the fact that the covert is gifted at concealing his multiple cruelties, manipulations and deceptions.  Lies roll off of his tongue automatically and everyone believes  him.  You are always left holding the bag. Even your own family may not believe that you know and are telling the truth about this covert viper.

After listening carefully to your intuition and doing your research, have faith in yourself to take action to remove yourself from the hellish life that you are leading.  You are in a no win, non-relationship. The covert narcissist cannot and will not change.  It is your call to press the reset button and begin to make your plans in secret to leave this individual. Be careful about the people with whom you share this information. You will find a few individuals (even one is good) whom you can trust and who will support you.

Take time to appreciate who you are as an individual, a wonderful human being who deserves to lead a life in inner peace, freedom and emotional and psychological security.

Take time to do your form of prayer and meditation, listening to healing music, doing spontaneous writing, exercise in the way that works for you, getting the sleep that you deserve and taking rests when you need them.  This is very important because you must  fill up your reserves so that you will move through this period of your life to a new tempo, one that is calmer, kinder, beautiful and loving.

I know so many wonderful individuals who have taken this journey to freedom and dynamic peace. Climb aboard – We are waiting for you to ride with us.

Covert Narcissists: Scheme Your Downfall in Secret

Covert narcissists are incapable of forming and maintaining genuine relationships.  So often I speak with clients who have unwittingly married a covert narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)

There is no way the innocent party could have known that this individual is a narcissist.  In the case of the Covert it is exceedingly difficult to discern the true nature of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.

The covert narcissist is masterfully clever at concealing his malicious, dark, cruel traits.  The Covert is an expert at presenting himself as charming, giving, kind, genuine, empathic and psychologically grounded.  The charm offensive of the Covert is acted out with perfection: a Broadway level performance.

The Covert is above all, Secretive.  These individuals lead several lives at one time.  You have been chosen by them to provide the maximum in narcissistic supplies. You offer an excellent external image. You come from a fine family, are well educated, physically attractive, are socially adept, professionally successful– and the long list goes on and on. You are the perfect “catch” for this person who has calculated your value to him from the beginning.

Soon after the marriage, trouble begins with the narcissist’s drumbeat demands, devaluing, demeaning manner. He picks away at your “faults.” These are manufactured by the narcissist to weaken your sense of self, to lower your self respect, feelings of optimism.

The Covert narcissist knows who you are and exactly how he will tear down your psychological and emotional reserves.  He must extract the maximum amount of narcissistic supplies out of you before he discards and replaces you with someone else.

All the while the covert narcissist is plotting and scheming to control, manipulate and eventually bring you down emotionally, financially, psychologically and physically.  Some of those who are married to Coverts develop chronic illnesses as a result of the accumulated stress, fear, depression and trauma that they have internalized over many years.  At these times that the covert narcissists doesn’t want to deal with you anymore.  When you are at your lowest ebb, he is tap dancing with high energy and a complete lack of care or concern for your well being.

After the narcissist has taken everything from you and more, you are left alone, discarded, disheartened and in some cases, physically ill.

The covert is so secretive and clever that the victim remains unaware of what has happened to them.  Some of those who contact me even say that it was all their fault. Never blame yourself for marrying a covert narcissist.

Know that you can heal from this dreadful series of ordeals, that you will recover fully: emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually.

Begin by putting yourself first. Start getting the sleep you need and deserve.  Eat in a balanced way that works with your biochemistry.  Exercise in the way that works best for you. As you recover, always remember to pay close attention to your intuition–it is the voice of the absolute truth.  Some healing modalities are acupuncture which balance the body, mind and spirit, restorative yoga, gentle walking, being in Nature, finding people who respect you as an individual and whom you trust.  Take time each day to put yourself in the calming part of the nervous system through some form of meditation, prayer, affirmations, etc.  You decide what opens the doors to being calmer, more comfortable and gentler inside of yourself.

You are entitled to heal fully and to use your many creative gifts.  You have turned on to a new pathway: one of hope, health, beauty and a source of continued evolution and transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Act Now to Stay Healthy While Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Divorcing a narcissist is often a ghastly version of Hell on earth. I have spoken to so many clients and heard from those who read this blog about the psychologically and emotionally draining and horrific skirmishes and all out wars that take place during this process. Narcissists love to torture those whom they divorce–sadistic!.   They are merciless and vengeful.  They come at you when you are the most vulnerable.  You know the depth of their secret cruelties.  Their goal is to vanquish you and leave nothing standing—except them!

I give all of you tremendous respect and credit for learning everything you can about their dirty tactics, sly games and nasty exploitations.

Once you know that you are dealing with a narcissist and understand what makes them tick it is much clearer how to proceed.  Of course this is no cakewalk—it is a grinding marathon up many treacherous hills and hair raising curves.

Begin by putting yourself and your physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual health first. Don’t answer every phone call. Learn to say No and mean it not only to the narcissistic spouse but to all others who would disrupt your peace.

Speak in a kind voice to yourself and know that you deserve quality sleep, good nutrition, a feeling of quiet and inner peace that comes from your form of meditation or prayer or just being with Nature or your friends or pets.  Listen to music that you love that is comforting and uplifting.  Make your life simple. Do not rush–slow it down.  Do calm yogic breathing: Inhale through the nose to a count that works for you and exhale slowly through the mouth longer than the inhale. Do simple restorative yoga poses that open the heart chakra and center the mind.  Take short breaks during the day when you can to focus that attention on yourself and what you are needing at that moment.  Take time to drink a slow cup of tea.  Listen to a book on dvd that takes you to different characters and time.  Remember to appreciate the beauty of the night,  the sun that warms you, the smiles of friends,  the shifts of the winds and the quiet that brings you peace.

You are up to this journey.  You have already begun.  You will prevail and be victorious!

I will be writing regularly again now.  I have been working on a book and it is now published: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self.

 

Ever-Present Narcissistic Rage Projections–Psychologically Dangerous

In dealing with a narcissistic spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father, sibling, you are on a tightrope without a net.  You feel the anxiety building inside of your nervous system each time you anticipate an interaction.  You brace yourself for these events.  Sometimes you are surprised that the narcissist has pulled in his/her horns and comes across as emotionally neutral or stable.  (This post refers to male and female narcissists). At times you lower your guard only to find yourself in the middle of an explosive ugly scene. Once again, you are at fault; you made the huge mistake; you were stupid; you are insensitive and thick headed, etc. These abusive projections of narcissistic rage are endless.  Each time you think that the narcissist has changed and will be different, even civil.  These beliefs keep you tied to the narcissist, his or her source of supply that endangers you psychologically.

Children of narcissists grew up in these trauma producing families. Early on they were victims of narcissistic parental rage that never seemed to end.  To this day you can hear the narcissistic mom or dad or both screaming through your head, hurling accusations, epithets, insults and humiliations. I hear from many of them and it is surprising how empathic these adult children are.  They have survived this cauldron of pain and terror at great cost. Yet, they are remarkable human beings.

Narcissistic personality is fixed.  It does not change.  Along with it comes narcissistic rage.  There is no way around this.  Often narcissistic rage deepens with age and becomes more volcanic since the narcissist is living in psychological delusion and incapable of personal insight.

Separating out and individuating from the narcissist is essential to your personal, creative and spiritual growth. Appreciate who you are, act on your intuition and the knowledge that you have obtained about the true nature of the narcissist.

Free yourself, heal and recover.  You deserve to be at peace, to have relationships of trust and deep caring and the full use of your many creative gifts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Socialized Sociopaths in High Places

Socialized sociopaths are often exceedingly successful in the world and wield great raw power, have many admirers and loyal sycophants.  They have social and business contacts that are worthy of envy. (This post refers to male and female socialized sociopaths).

Socialized sociopaths draw psychological and emotional blood from their victims, leaving them mortally wounded. Without conscience or empathy, they commit numerous crimes throughout their lives and never get caught. (Don’t wait for karma to catch up with them).

Socialized sociopaths often have a high intelligence and a fine formal education.  From a young age the socialized sociopath knows he is superior to everyone: parents, siblings, friends.  The world and every individual is at their disposal.  People exist to provide them with whatever they want. When you have a “relationship” with a socialized sociopath, you are not in charge. These individuals are constantly projecting their venom on you, using cruel manipulations and deceits, using the ultimate weapon—Treacheries that destroy the lives of others.

With the sociopathic style taking over much of our world today and becoming fully acceptable with their excessive self indulgences, extreme self absorption, image obsession, projections of cold, dark disdain for those outside of their magical, delusional bubble, it has become smooth and easy for the socialized sociopath to move in and out of any social environment, undetected as a psychologically dangerous human being.

Socialized sociopaths are running our prestigious international corporations.  Some members of government fit this definition. There are so many venues where the socialized sociopath thrives: churches, spiritual growth programs, media, global finance, the healing professions. No one wants to speak too openly about socialized sociopaths in high places lest they be questioned and criticized.  When you observe the destruction that these individuals wreak it is shocking  and frightening but time to Wake Up!

Many people have a problem believing that a highly esteemed individual with great prestige and power, commanding respect and deference, could be so predatory and destructive to others.

Family members of socialized sociopaths are often unaware of the emotional and psychological criminality perpetrated in their private lives. The suffering they cause is monumental. As they lead privileged lives, they maintain their Deal with the Devil that remains intact.

Victims of socialized sociopaths–children, spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, business partners, tell horrific stories of their imprisonments at the hands of these merciless individuals. They spend their days in terror, apprehension, always waiting to see when and how they will be punished. Many victims remain in captivity–continuing to blame themselves for the evil perpetrated by the socialized sociopath. When we view them in terms of the horrors that they create, the word “socialized” begins to fade.

Those who free themselves from these vipers never look back. They come to love and understand the true self inside of them that has been waiting so long to move forward.  There is no perfect time to leave. Gather your strength, learn everything you can about their true nature, trust your intuition, take care of your physical health, turn to individuals whom you can trust for support and comfort, listen to the wisdom of your heart and soul.  Soar!

Concealed Narcissists Fool Everyone

Concealeds are the most clever, cunning forms of narcissists. They hide behind their impeccable images of pseudo empathy, self effacement, even holiness.

These individuals fool a lot of clinical professionals even while they are in treatment when their marriages have gone awry. Concealeds pretend like they want to work on and save the marriage. On some occasions they convince the couples therapist that the other party is to blame for the failure of the marriage and flips him or her to their point of view. (This post refers to male and female narcissists).

Concealed narcissists are every where. Some are found in spiritual groups and churches. The spiritual narcissist is a special breed who is masterful at deceit. These individuals magnetize others to them with their pseudo empathy, fake thoughtfulness and persuasion of their devotion to your well being and spiritual growth. There are numerous narcissistic spiritual teachers who fool their followers, take their money, brain wash those closest to them and tell outright harmful lies camouflaged with empty promises. Beneath the holy surface, it is always about them and what they want and must have to fill their psychological emptiness with constant narcissistic supplies of praise, adulation and respect.

Most important—Don’t blame yourself for being fooled by a concealed narcissist. This happens to the most experienced clinical experts.

Practice self care each day. Putting yourself first is not selfish; it is essential. It is possible that if you have been raised by narcissists you may not understand that you are entitled to lead your life with deep inner peace, to have loving and caring relationships that are authentic and to claim and manifest the full use of your many creative gifts.

Self care takes many forms. Get the sleep to which you are entitled; exercise your way; pay very close attention to and act upon your intuitive insights; make friendships only with those who are worthy of your trust; discover a way for you to quiet the body/mind through meditation, prayer or some other form of slowing the thinking process, write spontaneously each day even if this is a few sentences. This stokes the creative process.

Be kind to yourself at all times.

You Deserve Recovering Psychologically, Emotionally and Spiritually After the Narcissist

It is the life experiences of my readers and clients that led me to speak directly to their suffering and the process of healing and restoration in my new book: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self.  I specifically write to those who have experienced multiple cruelties, deprivations, and humiliation and offer a program to those who live in the aftermath of the narcissistic cataclysm—spouses, ex-spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings. Those who live under these horrific conditions  suffer deep pain. They are desperate, confused, suffer from self blame, are exhausted, feel lost and at times  even crazy.

The narcissist took so much of your life—You deserve to get it all back and then some.

For those who have experienced narcissistic abuse in its innumerable cruel forms, know that you deserve to recover in every aspect of your life, to thrive and use your many creative gifts and discover your true self.  Throughout life we are in a process of separating and individuating from our families of origin.  This is your psychological, emotional and spiritual birthright as a precious individual.

Your healing and recovery involve breaking destructive survival patterns.

The survival tactics we develop become ingrained into us.  Like a familiar song that spontaneously reprises in our minds, distinct patterns of thoughts, feelings memories, fantasies and wishes emerge…Most people continue to listen and respond to the old family life song first heard in childhood.”   (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering your True Self)

“The destructive life repetitions that we engage in are innumerable and particular to each individual.  They are found in a repeated cycle of returning to narcissistic individuals who injure us emotionally and psychologically. It is surprising, but often the child that was raised in a narcissistic family with narcissistic parents and siblings returns to this environment that created his greatest suffering by marring a narcissist.” (From Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist:Discovering Your True Self)

Your healing begins with a deep understanding that: There is a center within us that is always seeking the truth about ourselves…Cracking the code of psychological repetition begins with waking up…When we are awake we see things as they are, without delusion. There is no veil, wall or barrier that separates us from what is true.”  (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self).

Full access to your true self occurs with a specific, consistent practice of self care and the full use of your many creative gifts. As you heal in the aftermath of sharing your life with a narcissist, writing is one of the most powerful methods for loosening up, expressing your thoughts and emotions and igniting your imagination. All you have to do is open yourself up to writing..The practice of spontaneous writing is a gift that never wears out, has no restrictions or boundaries, and is always available. (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self) Writing regularly is a significant part of your personal transformation.

Nurturing deep friendships where trust and comfort are part of your life,are an essential part of your healing process. We only need a couple of individuals with whom we can communicate, let down and be completely ourselves. These relationships are pure gold.

Rediscovering your creative self is an essential part of your life journey toward recovery.  Creativity is occurring ever moment we are alive, whether we are awake, asleep or dreaming or in joy, sorrow or doubt..It is a transpersonal experience that redeems us from our life histories, .We jump into the roaring, ecstatic stream, swept up in the current that created the cosmos…(From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self)

Learning to meditate your way with consistency heals with the gift of inner stillness.  Be patient and kind with yourself in starting a meditation practice. Remember, this is your unique experience that belongs to no one else. Meditation is the key to insight, healing and breaking unproductive and destructive cycles of repetition…With meditation we reach the mind beyond mind, thought beyond thought–the source of knowing. In deep meditation we experience a vibration of peace…Meditation creates a spaciousness of mind. When we are at peace, even for a few moments, we expand and deepen.  (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self)

Tapping into the healing restorative part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic is a key toward healing and recovering your true self. “All Healing begins by consistently accessing the parasympathetic nervous system. This is a state of letting go as you bathe in physical and psychological security, peace and body and mind grounding. This calm waking state is natural and built into your being. In the parasympathetic you float down a gentle river, letting the waters take you in a direction of their own. You feel receptive to the freedom and ease you’re experiencing. As you consistently visit this state of calm, the healing of psyche, body and mind accumulates and moves forward at a steady pace.” (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self)

Becoming open to the souls of other individuals is a profound experience of healing and transformation.  Meeting a soul, you attune yourself to that person on a spiritual and psychological level. They feel your empathy In this interchange, the souls meet and healing takes place. (From: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self)

You deserve to heal, recover, transform your life, manifest your unique creative gifts, develop psychologically and spiritually to the fullest and to live in the beauty, peace, comfort and strength of the true self.

You can read portions of my new  book and purchase it at amazon.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.